Of Leaves and Lilac
by Dark Pulse
Summary: A year after Tsukihime, Tohno Akiha is still living life as she always has. Even with all of the events of last year, her life is, for the most part, unchanged. But, can she remain this way forever...? Re-rated M for Graphic Violence/Sex. Updated Sundays.
1. Autumn Night

_**PREFACE: A WARNING**_

It is **STRONGLY** advised that you have, at the very least, played and beaten the original Tsukihime in its entirety - that is, having gotten all the endings for all five heroines - before reading this story. _**If you have not, THIS STORY WILL MASSIVELY SPOIL THE GAME**_, beginning literally at the fourth line in on the first chapter. It is written in such a way that, if you have not played Tsukihime, you will very likely not know what is going on. It also contains some more minor spoilers for the Tsukihime PLUS+DISC as well as Kagetsu Tohya, but not nearly to the point that it does for Tsukihime. Seeing the (non-existant...) anime does ***NOT*** count for this - please play the game if you only saw that!

If you choose to read this story anyway despite that, be warned that it will likely harm your enjoyment of reading the original visual novels as a result, and as stated above, you will be in the dark about quite a few things. Obviously, I cannot control whether people play the game before reading this, so a warning will have to do. Consider yourselves warned in advance - you read at your own peril.

For those of you who have played the game, this story is based off of the very last ending - that is, this story is based off of the Far-Side route, Kohaku's path. In terms of what "happens," the story will assume this path was the "true" path - however, other elements from other paths are also mixed in as well.

Playing the PLUS+DISC and Kagetsu Tohya will give you familiarity with several characters who appear in the story; namely, Akiha's classmates at her school. This is not required, and I have done my best to flesh them out for the benefit of those who haven't played those games, but I'd still recommend it, because Akiha's sidestory in Kagetsu Tohya was, in some ways, the idea for this fanfiction, and some story elements do discuss events that happen in it. I believe you will enjoy the story considerably more if you have played all three games before reading it.

Also, if you do not like novel-length stories, this probably isn't a fic for you. Each chapter is approximately 2500-3000 words long, but I have written 75 chapters in all, plus an epilogue. This will be a long story. If you are looking for a quick little story, this will not be it.

That said... if none of this throws you off at all, then please, sit back and enjoy it. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it... usually. :)

And so, it begins.

* * *

Chapter 1: "Autumn Night"  
Friday, October 25, 2002

* * *

"I hate you, Otou-sama!"*

I do not know why these are the only words I can use to express this. I should not be using such language, and yet, no other words that I can think of sufficiently capture the feeling for him that I have inside.

The man who raised me to be head of the Tohno household.  
The man who forced his inversion impulse on Kohaku.  
The man who kept me apart from Nii-san.  
The man...

With a slight hiss, I throw my pen at the wall and watch as it bounces off. Such a childish action, I think in the back of my head, but I know full well what the power of hatred can do to someone.

I knew someone who gave into that. But that person does not exist anymore. They are no longer of consequence or significance. They are a simple memory, and I would prefer if they were not even that, but for now, a memory they remain.

I sigh, and pick up my pen from the floor, and set it down on the stack of papers I am signing and giving assent to. The contents rarely matter; even though I skim every single paper, I know the content within a sentence or two. Can this branch of the family do this, profit report that.

I look at the small stack of papers. Tonight's finished work. Mechanically, they are signed "Tohno Akiha."

I look at the large stack of papers. Tonight's unfinished work. Another sigh, this one of frustration.

Nii-san will not be back for some time. Today is Inui-san's birthday, and to celebrate, he and Nii-san will be celebrating for at least this weekend, and then on Monday Nii-san will be leaving to assist Ciel-san with something. It was difficult to see him off earlier, since usually by the time he returns home, he is not in the best of shape, and the back of my mind always worries that one day, he will not return.

Unlike Nii-san, I do not have such time to waste partying with friends, but a five-minute stretch will not delay me very long. I slide the chair into the desk for the time being and walk over to the window in my room. The sky still contains a faint hint of daylight, but the sun has set, and soon night will be setting in. I extend my arms to the sides, pushing them apart from my body as far as I can. I can feel the tension extend, and then melt. It feels refreshing.

My door opens after a soft knock. I can tell who it is based on the knock.

"Good evening, Kohaku," I tell her.

"Good evening, Akiha-sama," she replies. "I have brought a drink and a small snack to keep your strength up." I can hear that ever-present smile in her voice as she sets down the tray.

It is strange. This woman who had made Nii-san and I fight. This woman who I had sheltered when I found out what Otou-sama was doing to her. And yet... she comes of her own free will. I do not force her to, and I have told her as much several times since, but she just smiles and says "It is my choice, Akiha-sama."

As stubborn as I am, I know full well that when someone's mind is that set, there is no changing it. Nii-san taught me that. No amount of complaining, yelling, arguing, sulking... none of it changed him or his ways.

So to love him, was to accept that. And so I did. As I did for Kohaku.

"...Akiha-sama?" I feel a hand touch my shoulder slightly, and instinctively flinch. The hand quickly withdraws, and I turn to her.

"...I am sorry, Kohaku. My mind is preoccupied with a lot of things tonight. I did not mean to startle or worry you."

She smiles softly. "It is alright, Akiha-sama."

I usually do not discuss my thoughts or feelings with others. But yet, Kohaku is... well, was... my personal servant. After Nii-san and I nearly killed each other last year, I decided things needed to change. So I called a meeting together, the four of us, and in a rare moment of allowing others to see my inner thoughts, I asked them what they wanted me to do.

The answers were simple... and yet surprising.

Nii-san said he did not want me to change a bit, that he loved me as I was. Accepting my faults and flaws even better than I do... I feel fortunate to have him in my life, and I think without him I would truly be lost. I... admittingly still wonder if I would be better or worse off if me and him were more than that, but it would be quite difficult to explain to those who did not know of Nii-san's history. And admittingly, society at large would not approve of such a relationship. It would be bad publically, and we would have to hide such behavior, or run the risk of getting caught, so perhaps it is for the best.

Hisui stated that she wished to stay here and help out. I think she takes pride in her work with Nii-san. I think it is also possible that she loves him at some level, for she tries to go out of her way to gain his approval sometimes. Perhaps Nii-san loves her too, but in a platonic way, not an emotional way.

That would be reserved for Kohaku.

Kohaku was really the reason I had asked the three of them to sit down with me. Nii-san was recovering from our fight and me nearly draining his life from him, to a lesser extent I also had injuries, and I knew Kohaku was feeling quite guilty for what she had done. It was what Nii-san had given her - a ribbon - that changed her mind. Perhaps her original plan was to have sex with him to give him the strength to fight, but him giving her that ribbon saved the three of us. It snapped her out of her mental illness, her being alive kept me from thrusting Nii-san's knife into my heart, and it also returned Nii-san to his usual personality, that of Tohno Shiki and not Nanaya Shiki.

All she asked to do was for me to grant her request to move to another branch of the family. It was the least I could do to accept her request. With what she went through... well, I could see why Nii-san did not want her to suffer, and I thought he was right. And yet she comes every weekend since, occasionally over for longer, ensuring Hisui does not miss her, and that Nii-san gets a nice meal, and that I do not miss her so much and overload Hisui, in actual work as well as emotionally.

Kohaku has been training me in things such as cooking and cleaning a little. I really do not mind doing it as much as I thought I would. In fact, I took an odd feeling of pride as I finally managed to peel and slice an apple for Nii-san without disfiguring it or cutting my fingers. It was quite an unusual sensation, one of exhilaration.

Perhaps this is what Hisui and Kohaku feel when they are complemented...?

I am startled out of my thoughts when I am lightly shaken. I turn. Kohaku is still there, looking concerned.

"Akiha-sama, it is not good for you to be spacing out like that. Perhaps you are overworked?"

I shake my head. "Of course not, Kohaku. I have just had a lot on my mind, but it does not matter."

She gently places her hand on my shoulder, and smiles. It troubles me slightly. I know it is real now, but it still appears like how she was when she was "a doll." Seeing it makes me remember those times...

"Akiha-sama, I know you too well for that." Her smile dips slightly. "You are thinking about last year again, aren't you?"

"No, I am not," I lie. Kohaku knows that all too well, though. She leads me gently to my bed, and sits me down on it, before sitting in a chair herself.

"Akiha-sama," she begins. "I think it's wonderful that you still worry about my feelings and well-being, even though it's been so long. But please... don't stress yourself out over it. My past is my past, yes, and it's an ugly one. I still relive it in my nightmares sometimes. But Shiki-san was what kept that one little flicker of humanity in me left alive for all those eight years... and it was worth it. It should be me apologizing and worrying about things, Akiha-sama, and not you."

I sigh. I suppose it is only natural that Kohaku can tell when I am lying. Once Otou-sama died, she became my servant. She has known me longer than Nii-san has; it has been some nine years now. It is only natural that she can tell when I make such falsifications.

I also promised myself to be more truthful to her as a result.

"I cannot help it sometimes, Kohaku. What Otou-sama did to you was unspeakable. It makes me curse my name and my blood in my body. It makes me curse the fact that I had to drink your blood, and continue hurting you like I did..."

She stops my speech by leaning forward slightly and pressing a finger lightly to my lips. I look up at her. She is smiling.

"Makihisa-sama was a demon, yes. But once I came to my senses, I knew that even for all of what he did to me, Makihisa-sama was an even worse victim. I was raped, but he wouldn't even remember it, and when he had control of himself, he tried to comfort me, but when I screamed he kept his distance as much as he could. Akiha-sama, Makihisa-sama suffered worse than you or I have. He was losing his humanity, and he desperately wanted to hang on so he could train you as much as he could before his death. I like to remember Makihisa-sama, and not the demon that looked like him. So please, Akiha-sama, do not hate him like you do. He could not help it, and you know that."

I look away. I do not want Kohaku to see the tears trying to form in my eyes. She is right, and deep down inside... deep down inside, I know it.

Otou-sama was a strict, stern man. Strict and stern, but fair. The real changes in his personality came about when Nii-san was nearly killed by "him" and Otou-sama then hid "him" rather than kill "him."

It would have saved me and Nii-san a lot of trouble if he had, that much was certain. But for years, after I found out what he did to Kohaku, all I could see Otou-sama as, is a demon.

I wanted to avoid becoming a demon myself, but keeping Nii-san alive made me feel so cold. So cold and painful. My lips would turn blue, and my body wracked with pain, pain so intense it felt like every single cell in my body was ripping in half, at the exact same instant. But I suffered. I suffered because I had a purpose, a love for Nii-san, a desire to have him close and thank him for saving my life.

Or to put it more succinctly, something that allows you to go on even as you suffer.

Just like Kohaku.

My chin is tilted up. I cannot help but look in Kohaku's eyes, even though mine are swollen with tears. Once again, a kind smile crosses her lips.

"Akiha-sama, you're almost too kind sometimes, you know. You care about me, even if you don't admit it, so I know there is good and forgiveness in your heart. If you care about me at all, Akiha-sama, then please stop hating Makihisa-sama for what he did... and if you can't, then at least stop hating yourself. Tohno Akiha might be your name, and a demon might be in your blood, but it does not mean you are a demon, Akiha-sama. You're a demon only if you want to be a demon. Shiki-san no longer needs your life, and you know that your own demon blood is too weak to overtake you now that Shiki-san's life no longer hinges on your supporting it."

I look away. She is right. Since I killed "him" once and for all, the lifeforce he had stolen from Nii-san could be returned rightfully to him. I no longer had to support Nii-san's life, and so I would be able to retake the half I had given him, and with that retaken I regained my dominance over my Tohno blood.

It was liberating. More liberating than I had ever been after killing "him." Killing "him" was both my greatest success and my greatest failure.

Success, because I had put an end to "him" once and for all. I had ensured he would hurt Nii-san no longer.

Failure, because I had become nearly as much of a monster as he had, to the point where I had nearly killed Nii-san myself. When "he" died, Nii-san's lifeforce did not return directly to him - it went to me, instead. As a result, it temporarily increased the amount of demon blood inside my veins. Worse, his soul took up residence inside my body... and due to my emotional state at the time, he found it very easy to influence my thoughts. And so... rather than return Nii-san's lifeforce to him, I kept it for myself, leaving him a breath from death.

And for what? Jealousy? Jealousy because Nii-san could not help but look at me as just his sister? How imprudent of me. Even if we are truly not brother and sister, the fact I still call him Nii-san to this day, and the fact I will not even acknowledge "him" proves that perhaps it was just the foolish hopes and desires of a silly girl.

A finger snaps within my vision. I startle at it slightly. Kohaku is frowning as she withdraws her hand.

"Jeez, you're really out of it, Akiha-sama." She sighs a bit.

I shift slightly. "It is nothing to worry about, Kohaku. I will be fine. I am just... thinking a lot."

"Probably because it has been nearly a year, Akiha-sama," she offers. "That is why I've got a little surprise planned~~~❤"

I cross my arms and glare at her a little. "I do not appreciate surprises, Kohaku."

She giggles a bit, and leans over and hugs me. Well, it has been awhile, but I have to get back to work, so I quickly embrace her so it can be done and over with.

And then her lips press against mine.

Needless to say, my eyes - and lips - widen slightly in surprise. That is when I feel something enter my mouth.

Not blood. Something solid. Dropped carefully so that my body instinctively swallows it before I can manage to spit them out.

She pulls away, smiling. My eyes narrow with anger... but a sudden, deep drowsiness quickly overcomes my body.

"K...Kohaku... what... did you...?"

I feel myself lose my balance, and I feel my body collapse onto the bed. Her voice sounds distant and faint. The world is already spinning. My eyes feel so heavy...

"Sorry, Akiha-sama. But you will thank me later... I promise."

And then my consciousness fades.

* * *

* Otou-sama: A very polite way of saying "Father."

* * *

Kohaku drugging me? Why?  
What are her motives?  
Is she going to take advantage of the situation... and of me?

Next Week (6/13/10) - Chapter 2: "Akiha's nap has to end!"


	2. Akiha's nap has to end!

Chapter 2: "Akiha's nap has to end!"  
Saturday, October 26, 2002

* * *

My eyes flutter open and slowly begin to focus as I wake up in my bed. My head is still spinning slightly.

"...Aproned Devil," I slur slightly.

Kohaku slipped me some drugs, definitely. For it is now the next morning...

"...‼"

I leap out of my bed and dash over to my desk. Those papers...

...Are all done?

I try to remember last night. I began work. I threw my pen at the wall. Kohaku came in. We talked briefly. I thought a lot. She slipped me drugs in the guise of a kiss...

...I cannot remember finishing them. Falling back onto my bed after I was drugged is the last thing I recall.

I leaf through the stack that is perhaps nearly a foot high.

They are all signed as I expect I would sign them. Tohno Akiha. It is definitely my handwriting, right down to the flourishes I add to the characters. Kohaku learned a lot of things from Otou-sama, but forgery was not one of them.

...At least, not as far as I know.

I set the papers back down and hold my head a bit as I walk up to the mirror, looking at myself.

Tohno Akiha looks back. Long black hair, which is good. No hint of red. Bright blue eyes that are not quite fully open due to the effects of grogginess from the drugging. Same blouse and red dress she always wears. Nothing is out of order, although it is considerably wrinkled due to sleeping in it.

I will have to find something else to wear today, it seems. As well as bathe. I usually bathe when I get up, so the the only thing abnormal about this routine is the fact I am doing it so late.

I walk into my closet, looking for something I can wear in the meanwhile. It is a Saturday, so thankfully I have time to relax a little bit today. It is always a nice thing to have a little bit of time to myself for a little bit of quiet. It helps keep Tohno Akiha human.

A light blue sweater and a long black dress catch my eye. Well, it is not my usual choice, but for some reason it just seems... right, for a reason I cannot possibly explain. As it is late October, it would be wise to wear such warmer and longer clothing.

A clean bra. I sigh slightly. It looks more like the bras Seo is starting to wear. We are approximately the same bust size, so this is unsurprising. What depresses me slightly is the fact she is approximately 20 months younger than me, and yet we have evenly-sized chests. If her chest swells further than mine, I will have to make sure I keep the fat inside of her chest and not let it get to her head.

Underclothing and socks. Well, of course those are needed. According to Souka though, some of the girls at the academy do such daring things as visiting boys on the weekends without underclothing on. What sort of thrill they gain from this, not only do I not wish to understand it, I do not wish to even think about it. I would never let anyone catch me, dead or alive, without some form of undergarments on. And if they take them off when I am dead, I will haunt them straight to hell.

Satisfied with my choice of garments for now at least, I walk off with it to my bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me, setting the clothing neatly on the edge of the sink.

I begin to unbutton my blouse. It undoes easily enough, as I am quite used to buttoning my blouse, and I let it slide off my back and arms.

...I sigh as I look in the mirror.

They are still there. They are still in their bra. They are still small. Much, much smaller than I would like them to be.

The real reason, according to Sion, and one that makes sense, I think, is that since I took upon keeping Nii-san's life alive with some of my own, is that the energy normally reserved for allowing my body to grow was instead pushed towards that purpose.

Nii-san and I are both rather small, and he is also fairly frail in constitution. As his life was "gone," Nii-san could not grow his body properly. As half of my life was supporting his, mine could not grow properly, either.

In theory, I could still grow somewhat, but not to the extent I would have had I not been under that burden. That is why I have seen my bodily proportions increase a bit over the last year.

However, they are not quite decently figured like Kohaku or Hisui, and they certainly will never approach the levels of Arcueid-san or Ciel-san. Even at best, I shall be a bit smaller than average, and have a body more like a girl's than a woman's.

...And for some reason, that bothers me like few things manage to do.

Breasts are silly things to worry about. They serve one functionary purpose and that is all — to provide milk for a child. But, of course, I have no child to breastfeed. Nor, for that matter, have I had sex... much less a pregnancy. Therefore, the size of my breasts are useless and I should not care about it so much.

And yet... I am oddly aware of my chest, or lack thereof.

Perhaps that is one of the reasons Hanei is so popular at our school — she has easily the largest breasts I have ever seen on someone... not that I have looked especially hard, of course, but it is rather hard not to notice such a thing, especially when she, herself, points out her talented genetic gift on occasion.

Then again, there is always a downside to having such an accentuated bust. Her back will likely be in bad shape in about twenty or thirty years, for one. Plus hers would sag far more than mine would in old age.

...Not that I am very likely to ever live to old age due to my cursed blood. But that is irrelevant.

...Nii-san did seem to like women who had bigger breasts. Perhaps that is why he chose her over—

...No. I cannot allow myself to think that. Nii-san's choices are Nii-san's, not mine. It is rude to expect him to be a part of such fantasies that he has proven he has no interest in.

They have grown slightly since the last year, yes, but even then... they are not nearly as large as I would like them to be. If they were even Kohaku's size, that would be acceptable. As it is, I remain smaller than her.

Then again, my body is not made for such proportions, either. The birth of a female Tohno is a very rare event, and according to Otou-sama, most Tohno women who are born, are of slim builds such as mine.

Well, I cannot change my genetics. If I could, I probably would have purged the Tohno blood in me some time ago.

I unzip and step out of my red dress, leaving me clad in just bra and underwear. Of course, what is there is perfectly fine from a biological standpoint. I can see the black hair, a sign of maturity, on my body through them if I look carefully enough. Slight, but there, just as my breasts are.

I hmm slightly to myself, and stick my thumbs through the bands on the sides as I lower them, examining a bit. It will need to be groomed soon. Not that I expect anyone to look there, of course, but it is a simple matter of hygiene and cleanliness. I used to like shaving it very carefully, but now such an act to me just seems like one does not think they are mature, or are attempting to appear younger for some reason. I step out of my underwear, moving them to the pile of worn clothing with my left foot.

I do not want to appear younger. I want to appear my age. I am 17 now, and women are not so... bare. Only children.

So I stopped. I groom it now. Besides, it means there is less of a chance to cut myself there, and cutting myself in such a sensitive place is not an experience I particularly enjoyed, especially since it had a fair tendency to itch as it healed. Obviously, a lady cannot and should not scratch such a place in public.

I shrug slightly to myself as I unclasp my bra and pull my arms out of it, and then take off my hairband and set it down, throwing my hair behind my shoulders as I look at my nude form in the mirror. I am now bare to the world, in the manner I came into it, more or less. The only people to have ever seen me like this were Kohaku, rarely Hisui...

...And Nii-san in my dreams.

I sigh. I do love him. I love him as more than a sister loves a brother. I love him, romantically. As a wife would love a husband.

I would do anything for him. I can aver that he is the one person who can take the cold, bossy Tohno Akiha and make her positively and completely melt to his whim. Truth be told, I... I am not fully sure why he has this effect on me, I just know that he does.

For eight years, I had thought of him night and day. The hurt slowly stopped as the years went on, partially due to me growing used to the pain of him being gone, as well as growing numb to the physical pain and chills, and partially due to my mind being so preoccupied with what Otou-sama was doing that I could not spare the time to think of him as much, but still... at night, when my mind was drifting off to sleep, Nii-san was in my thoughts. Nii-san was in my dreams.

The boy who had come to my home one day out of nowhere, looking rather like he was lost in the world, quickly grew accustomed to the space and splendor of the manor. He lived in the detached, Japanese-style house we have on the grounds. And every day, we would play, at any chance I could get... and sometimes even when I did not.

He would grab my hand, and we would run, and run, and run. And he would laugh, and he would jump, and sometimes I would even find myself doing these things, trying my very hardest to keep up with him, savoring every second of this strangely joyous feeling. Otou-sama would berate me most terribly if he caught us and especially if I had soiled my dresses with dirt or mud, but still...

...It was worth it, for that. To be with that boy. To experience a tiny slice of a childhood that I was otherwise denied. It was worth it every time — none of the punishments I ever received dissuaded me from partaking in these activities with him whenever I could.

Then, one day, a terrible tragedy befell us. That day, someone died. History will say that it was this boy, but I have chosen to reject that reality and substitute my own. To me, that day, "he" died. And Nii-san barely survived.

But then, right after he had recovered well enough to be sent home from the hospital, Otou-sama sent him away the very next day. The joy was gone. Now it was just the work. And not long after, the chills and pains began. Chills that would make me feel like I was standing outside completely naked. Pains that would make me scream like I was being ripped apart, cell by cell, and beg to die.

When I did not feel like dying, hatred boiled in my veins. Hatred for Otou-sama. The sort of hatred that would drive one with less willpower and fortitude than myself into nothing less than committing patricide.

But... I suffered them both.

For Nii-san, because that is how much I loved him. The hope that he would come back one day... that was enough to keep Tohno Akiha alive.

And for Otou-sama... because he informed me that with Nii-san and "him" gone, that I would now become head of the Tohno family one day, and that all of this would be mine, and as stern as he was, I knew I would need every ounce of wisdom I could gain from him to be an acceptable head.

The days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, the months into years. Some days, the chills were so unbearable that all I could do was sit in a very hot bathtub all day. Others, the pain was so searingly intense it blinded my senses and it took Hisui, Kohaku, and Otou-sama to keep me held down and in bed, my body twisting and contorting in ways that made it look like I had been thrown off a building or crushed between things, resembling a victim of Minamata Disease, with hands like claws and my body twisted so violently that it is nothing less than a miracle that I have a normal posture. I have seen the pictures; they were not pleasant to look at in the slightest. I burned most of them.

Then, Otou-sama died, and I immediately requested Nii-san to return from the Arimas. And he returned. And I found the pain insignificant and the chills just a triflesome bother. He could take them all away, just by his mere presence...

As much as I try not to, I still think of him sometimes. I dream of his embrace, and of the smell of his skin, and of the feel of his hands as he rubs my back. I dream of hearing him whisper my name into my ear. I dream of him never wanting to let me go, of saying "Forget your work for now, Akiha, it is time for just you and me."

I blush at the thoughts. I can feel my body reacting to them already. I realize I have not breathed for a few moments, and so I force myself to inhale air. A slight warmth has formed in my cheeks and stomach. I place my hand over my left breast to ensure my heart is beating, having sworn I felt it stop for a moment, and instead, it is beating slightly faster, as if I had exerted myself.

Such impure thoughts, having an effect like that on my body... it is disgusting.

And yet.

It is also what my body desires. Filthy, impure desires. Most would say illegal ones, as although Nii-san and I are not blood related, it is only he, Hisui, Kohaku, and I that know that. Even to the Arimas, he was always — ALWAYS — Tohno Shiki.

But... between us, to me, he will always be Nii-san. And to him, I will always be Akiha... his little sister.

I believe someone said you cannot help whom you fall in love with, and that it is pointless to fight it.

Visibly, I must fight it. To Nii-san, Hisui, and Kohaku, I must appear that I do not long for him anymore in that way. And usually, I do not.

But sometimes...

I turn the water on, and step into the tub. I shirk back slightly at the water's initial coldness, and quickly turn up the hot water faucet. Within moments, the water changes from cold to lukewarm to a very pleasant heat, and I carefully guide my body down into the tub, shivering slightly as I lay my back and shoulders on the edge of the cold porcelain, and then sigh as I feel the warmer water beginning to surround my body. Heat pours into me, and as always, it is wonderful, delicious.

Even though I no longer have to support Nii-san's life, I still like to take exceptionally hot baths. They are one of the few times I can truly relax... but now is not the time to do so. I am already delayed.

I turn on the shower attachment, and lower my head so that the water soaks into my hair.

* * *

An absorption of my own consciousness.  
A past I can never forget.  
A life I must continue living regardless...

Next Week (6/20/10) - Chapter 3: "Scrambled Slice of Life"


	3. Scrambled Slice of Life

Chapter 3: "Scrambled Slice of Life"

* * *

I walk out into the dining room, having washed my body and calmed myself down. I do feel better. A hot bath or shower is something I truly enjoy, for it allows me to absorb high amounts of heat. Even without having to support Nii-san's life anymore, I still prefer to be as warm as possible. I no longer have the chills or spasms that I did before, but this is, once again, a habit I have had for almost nine years now. Such a habit is difficult to break.

That said... I do enjoy a breeze on my skin sometimes, especially when I am too warm, which does happen on occasion. Usually, it occurs after a long soak in the bathtub.

Feeling a cool breeze taking my body heat away... is an oddly pleasant feeling.

Many times I think of this as I close my eyes, feeling the cool wind against my skin as I listen to the rustle of autumn leaves swirl in the evening air. It is a very pleasant sensation and experience, fitting for a woman named Akiha, I think.

It is easy for me to plunder heat from things, but getting rid of such heat, I am like any human — I can only do it so fast. It can be accelerated by cool things such as a breeze or ice, but I cannot absorb cold out of an ice cube. My abilities simply do not work that way.

A small black object in a chair catches my eye. I turn to it.

"Ah. Len."

The child succubus familiar looks up at me, in her cat form. She blinks wordlessly.

Let it be said right now that I generally dislike cats. Initially, I also disliked Len due to her nature. However, she cannot help either of those things. It is not as if she had chosen to be a familiar, or a succubus, or even revived. Therefore, I cannot hate her for what she cannot control. Her existence, like mine, was something neither of us requested — we are both of cursed blood, and both of us must live with this fact.

Therefore, it would be hypocritical of me to abhor her so. After all, I am just as much a product of an unnatural union as she is.

This makes her probably the only "cat" I shall ever tolerate in my life. But, it is not just for that reason. It is because she is also Nii-san's familiar.

Nii-san had gotten her last summer, after Arcueid-san requested he look after her. She has since become a member of our household as much as the rest of us. Although still a generally silent child, she does speak on occasion if it is necessary to do so, having slowly began to learn how to speak. Reading Len is much like reading Hisui, only if Hisui were silent. It is quite possible to tell what she is saying after you know her for awhile. Like Hisui, it is becoming easier as she learns to adjust — in Hisui's case, in simply opening her emotions; in Len's case, it is her being able to associate words with emotions. "Happy" is currently her favorite.

Nii-san and her are very close, as a matter of necessity. A succubus lives on the sexual fluids of others, ideally their master. As Nii-san is her master... well, it is obvious they have sex.

Still... she is smaller than me. And even flatter-chested. How can he like her, but not—

I shake my head. No, Tohno Akiha. Stop thinking about such jealousy. The contract between Len and Nii-san is mostly a platonic one, being sexual only for the purposes of restoring her prana. Besides, you know he loves Kohaku as a partner, not Len.

I walk up and gently scratch the underside of her chin. She purrs slightly.

"Len, I am hungry. I am going to make something to eat. Would you like to share some breakfast with me?"

The cat wordlessly hops off the chair and walks towards the kitchen, agreeing to my request. I can hardly blame her; it is impolite to turn down a meal when offered.

Kohaku is likely to be doing shopping for the week or some other errand, so I have learned how to at least prepare small meals for myself. I am not as good a cook as Kohaku is, but I know enough so that I do not have to give Hisui the terrible task of cooking anything overly complex, nor do I have to force Nii-san to stay home just so we can eat. A Tohno must be self-sufficient, if nothing else. Granted, I am not sure if I could simply eat cold sandwiches day after day, or if I could tolerate ramen night after night as Nii-san could. My palate is constantly changing, and after a day or two of even my favorite foods it would be dead to it for a little while.

So, I cook. It is nothing much, really — A western-style breakfast today. I do not eat western-style food very often, but it is far simpler to scramble some eggs than it is to prepare a traditional Japanese breakfast. One starts small, and then works their way up. I could not run before I could walk, I could not walk before I could crawl, and I could not crawl before I could hoist myself onto my hands and knees.

Attempting to cook a Japanese breakfast would probably result in me burning the mansion down. Hisui would perhaps just make it full of smoke. Either way, it would be very inconvenient, and very costly. As proud as I am, I know my limits, and dare not cross them.

"Len, do you like scrambled eggs?"

She tilts her head slightly. Her way of saying she is not sure, or she does not know, or a variety of other responses based upon the context. In this case, it is "I do not know."

"If you will like, I will give you some to try," I say as I begin gathering what I need to cook.

She nods a bit, assenting. This gives me extra motivation to make my cooking turn out acceptable to her palate.

I throw myself wholly into the work. Getting the eggs out. Cracking them lightly on the counter. Opening the shell so they drop into the bowl. Whisking the eggs. Adding milk. More whisking. Buttering the pan. Pouring them into the pan. Carefully turning the eggs with a spatula.

Before long, I have a pan full of scrambled eggs. It looks... quite good, honestly. Nearly as good as when Kohaku makes them. They are a very light yellow color, with slight white marbling streaks due to the milk.

I take the pan and carefully dish out the eggs onto a larger plate for me, and a smaller plate for Len, then I set her plate down on the floor. She takes a few sniffs, then a cautious nibble, and then more fully immerses herself into eating the food.

...Well, it is not poisonous, at least. Although even if it were, she would have been quite unlikely to fall stone dead from it. She would likely have a very nasty stomachache and be in a very bad mood, however.

I take a fork and hold onto my plate as I lean back slightly against the counter. Saying "Itadakimasu"* to nobody in particular, I begin to eat my own eggs.

...

...Well, it is certainly the best batch I have made yet. My first attempt was a horribly unappealing, almost rubberlike congealed mass. I ate them anyway, even as I did my best to avoid vomiting them back up, as it is a waste of food otherwise, and it gave quite a good deal of encouragement to remember that one must butter the pan BEFORE putting the eggs in, not after. I told myself this with every forced swallow of egg, and especially with every forced swallow of partially digested egg trying to make its egress from my mouth.

I have not made the same mistake since.

These, however, are quite good. I do not have eggs very often, but Kohaku has made them several times before, and I think these are nearly as good as her cooking. I smile slightly with inner pride, feeling more confident that my lessons in cooking are beginning to pay off.

Len finishes her eggs before too long. She must have been fairly hungry. She walks up and rubs herself slightly against my legs and ankles. Her way of saying "thank you" usually.

I squat carefully to pet her with my hand after setting down my fork and dish. She purrs slightly, and walks out of the kitchen, leaving me to finish my eggs in solitude.

I finish quietly and neatly, and after dabbing my lips with a napkin, I wash my dish and fork and place them in the draining board to dry. After discarding the napkin into the garbage, I decide to read the news.

Kohaku or Hisui has left it where I always seek it, on one of the small tables in the sitting room. I sit down and begin to read it, with the first section I read always being the financial section. As expected, our stock has gone up approximately 26.5 points in the last week. A very good growth.

My eyes now turn to the general news. "All-time low in murder rates in the city." I laugh slightly to myself. If only they knew why...

It is because of the four of us, of course. Myself, Nii-san, Arcueid-san, and Ciel-san. We do a little bit of patrolling now and again. Usually it is Arcueid-san and Ciel-san, but if they need help or backup, they call upon myself and Nii-san. Arcueid-san naturally takes the most dangerous jobs due to her immortality. Ciel-san is second; she is likewise immortal for reasons we are not sure of. She should no longer be after the events of last year, but she still is, somehow. This depressed her for awhile, but Nii-san cheered her up quite effectively, leading her to view it as less of a damning curse and more of something she can use to do some good.

This then leaves myself and Nii-san. While we both, of course, have our powers — that is, Nii-san's eyes and my origami abilities — we are considerably easier to kill, in theoretical terms, at least. Realistically a foe would find us much the same difficulty as Ciel-san, in terms of how difficult it is to strike a fatal blow. But while she would rise again, we would not. Arcueid-san, of course, is a different matter entirely. It is rare for one to exist who could kill her — permanently, anyway. Nii-san could by stabbing her point, but obviously he has no desire to do so, and I would be quite angry with him if he did. Arcueid-san is a very valuable ally, and the Tohno need all the allies we can get.

I relish the ability to go out and do a patrol, truthfully. I am usually quite busy here at my home, keeping up my public image of a regular teenaged girl, or attending to any of a myriad of duties, but this city is still my birthplace, and I do feel a sense of patriotism towards it. I often find the walks during the night to be excellent for my mental health – they seem to be the perfect medicine for clearing up whatever is bothering Tohno Akiha's mind.

But more than that, it also allows me to practice my abilities — and more importantly, my ability to keep them in complete control even as I allow my demon blood to take higher control of my senses and thoughts. Any sort of supernatural enemy who takes up residence here will find not just one, but several capable foes here who are all powerful enough to bring them down.

Arcueid-san, by her sheer overwhelming power and force.

Ciel-san, by damning them with the Seventh Holy Scripture. Or "Nanako" as Inui-san calls it.

Nii-san, by cutting or stabbing their lines or points, thus cleaving them or destroying their entire concept.

...Or myself, by literally sucking all of the heat from their body in a matter of moments.

While initially I could not stand Arcueid-san or Ciel-san for being influences on Nii-san's life, I have changed over the last year. It has gone from nonacceptance, to dislike, to tolerance, to acceptance. I will not say I have admiration yet, but I do have high respect for the work they put in, as well as their assistance, and obviously it is naturally better for us all if we can keep our city safe from mutual enemies. There are few people whom I would rather be back-to-back with in a fight than Arcueid-san and Ciel-san.

Nii-san... is a different story. Not only because I would panic if he got severely attacked and risk being taken over, but...

...Well... it would be our rears. And we are family.

...Only because we both choose to be, but I still call him Nii-san, and once in a great while he will call me "Imouto."** Usually he simply calls me by my name, Akiha, but that is fine — he is, after all, my older brother, and so does not have to use such honorifics.

But... besides that... I enjoy hearing how he says it. How he clearly pronounces the "ha" instead of slurring it slightly. A-ki-HA. I will never tire of hearing my name as long as it comes from the lips of Nii-san.

...Plus, speaking of lips... I think about him all the time romantically. If Nii-san were to be touching my rear, I would rather he be doing it with his hands—

I blush furiously and feel something drool down my upper lip. Blood. A nosebleed.

Gah! I, I excited myself it seems. I sniff hard, and swallow the blood that slides down my throat as a result. I get a tissue from the table, wiping my lip and pinching my nose shut with the tissue in place as I tilt my head forward.

...I know it is wrong to love him that way if I truly consider him my brother... but I cannot help it. I love him. I love him with every single cell of my being.

I think, in this situation, one would not be able to help but feel this way for someone. It seems to be a natural reaction, to love someone and want to be one with them, after they do such a tremendous thing as save your life. The only difference is... this was Nii-san. Even though my love for him would override so, so much of what I would otherwise never break... society would never accept, nor understand such a relationship, even with what occurred. To them, the "fact" we are siblings would overrule all other reasons for such a relationship... even if we are not brother and sister by blood, us believing ourselves and reaffirming that we are makes it just as incestuous to society as if it were by blood.

But... to me, none of that matters. All that matters is that ever since he saved my life, I have had these feelings. To most people, this boy is named Tohno Shiki, and always was.

But not to me. After all, I know the truth. And that truth is the day I lost "him" I gained Nii-san. A very good trade, if I may say so.

I unpinch my nose and wipe the inside of my right nostril slightly with the tissue. Seeing no liquid blood on it, I get up and walk over to the wastepaper basket, discarding the used tissue into the garbage. I then sniff slightly once more just to be completely sure the blood has stopped flowing as I walk over and pick up the paper again, sitting down in my chair. How are our business rivals doing, I wonder...?

My thoughts are interrupted as the phone rings — naturally, right after I had sat down. I get up from the chair with a sigh of displeasure and set aside the paper, and then I answer the phone, calmly.

"Tohno residence. Tohno Akiha speaking."

"Ah, Tohno-senpai!" It is Seo Akira.

I glance slightly at the clock. It is shortly after noon. "Good afternoon, Seo. What is it?"

"Ah, well, Souka-san and Hanei-san and I were going to go out to go shopping, since it's a nice day out. But ah, you probably wouldn't be able to, would you, Tohno-senpai? You're awfully tied up in work and stuff, right?"

Hmph. The fat is indeed going to her head after all, if Seo is assuming I am some kind of deviant workaholic! Well, good, less for her chest I suppose.

"Actually, I have finished my work last night," I state. Well, it cannot be a lie, since the papers were done, and the handwriting was definitely mine. Perhaps I "spaced out" as Kohaku put it, and simply do not remember finishing it upon awakening. "Where are you three going to be? I shall meet you there."

"Oh?" She sounds a little surprised.

I almost wish I could reach through the phone and choke her, just a little. She acts as if I never go anywhere or do anything! I am not a hermit, after all — that would be Kishima Kouma.

"Ah, well, we should be at the Midori-chou Mall in about a hour or so," Seo states.

"Alright," I tell her. "I shall be there. Thank you for informing me, Seo."

"Yeah! See you soon, Tohno-senpai!"

She hangs up, as do I. I sigh a bit.

We will have to do our best to keep a good eye on Seo inside of the mall — if she finds something she likes, then we will have to make sure she does not run so far ahead of us that we lose her, and force us to track her down. This is one of the downsides of Seo's excitable personality. Hopefully Hanei and Souka can assist me in reeling her in.

I finish reading the paper, and prepare for my trip.

I go to my room and unlock the safe inside, gathering some money. Since it is only a small trip, I see no reason that I should need more than 50,000 yen, but just in case, I take one of my bank cards as well. It cannot hurt.

I make sure my clothing is perfect. My sweater has no creases in it, my dress is not skewed, my hairband is not allowing my hair to stick out at odd angles. Nothing else will do.

I gather a small purse and put the money and my bank card inside. It is unlikely to be snatched, and if it is, well... that thief had better hope they run into a maze immediately after they do, because if I see them, they will immediately regret taking my purse.

After leaving Hisui and Kohaku a note, I call my driver and await him outside in front of the gate.

It is a nice day today — not too cool, not too warm. Just right. A perfectly flawless late autumn day.

I will cherish every second of it.

* * *

* Itadakimasu: Literally "I (humbly) receive." Often said when eating food prepared by another, especially to the cook.

** Imouto: Literally "Little Sister." When written with different kanji, the same word can also mean "Younger sister-in-law."

* * *

Though reality for all is relatively relative,  
I can have at least the illusion of normalcy.  
That, alone, is enough to keep me alive...

Next Week (6/27/10) - Chapter 4: "To Good Friends..."


	4. To Good Friends

Chapter 4: "To Good Friends..."

* * *

Exactly an hour later, my driver, Ishizaki, pulls me up to the mall.

"Thank you, Ishizaki," I say as I exit. "I will call you when I am done." With a nod and a "Understood, Akiha-sama," he drives off, and I walk inside the mall, brushing my hair back over my shoulders with my hands.

Inside, I look around at the crowd. As it is Saturday, it is a very busy day. Whole families seem to be shopping. Young children are examining every storefront, eyes wide at the treasures therein. The cacophony of a thousand conversations creates a din that echoes throughout the floor.

Of course, those three are nowhere to be found. I pull my cell phone out from my purse, and begin to dial Souka's number. "Those—"

"Senpai!"

I whirl around. Seo is frantically waving her arms over her head. Hanei and Souka are on either side of her.

"...Idiots," I mumble as I close my phone back up and return it to my purse. I begin to walk toward them, and they, toward me.

I stop a few feet away from them. "Seo. Hanei. Souka." I nod at them each in turn.

Seo gives an enthusiastic wave. Hanei smiles warmly. Souka gives a small wave. This is typical behavior for them all. Hanei and Souka are my roommates at Asagami Private Girls Academy, and Seo is a kouhai* of mine who is a good friend. The four of us often do things together, and we have all been doing things together for a few years now.

Seo Akira is a good girl, generally likable, but perhaps a bit too excitable. She also has a knack for blundering into words that make one want to strangle her. She definitely uses, if not abuses, her cuteness to her advantage. Still, she does have some admirable traits. Intelligent. Cheerful. A rather talented artist who draws her own doujinshi** in her spare time. She can hold her liquor, as well, but that is only natural considering her father is a famous brewer. She seems to hold Nii-san and myself to an almost idol-like level of worship. I am unsure how to feel about that, but she is a bit too young for Nii-san, I think.

Misawa Hanei, or as she is affectionately called on occasion, "Hanepin," is a rather attractive girl. Some would say she is the embodiment of physical beauty. She also has, admittedly, the largest bust I have ever seen in my life, at 90 centimeters. She is generally considered the school idol, and never turns down a request for help, being an extremely dependable girl. However, she is a bit slow on the uptake, as the expression goes. Nonetheless, Hanei is a genuinely nice girl, and she has plenty of admirable traits that will make her a fine wife someday, if her husband is a patient man. Her attitude is quite contagious, almost to the point of infectiousness, and it is hard to feel depressed for long with her around.

Tsukihime Souka... is an acquired taste. At first glance, due to a lack of feminine proportions, her somewhat androgynous looks, and the fact she does not dress in feminine attire unless she must, she would easily be mistaken for a boy, and Nii-san has done this. She dresses most often in cotton hoodies and casual pants. She cares little for feminine things, nor does she act feminine, to the point that I sometimes believe she is a male in a female's body. She wisecracks constantly, and her manners, while not slovenly, are inelegant for someone of the female sex. However, I cannot help but admire the way she carries herself – she is truly a free spirit, and does not judge people by appearance or birthright, but by the content of their character. Her favorite color is blue, once again breaking with the "traditional" female color of pink, which is fortunate for her, as her hair and eyes are blue as well. That is probably why she took a liking to me — I have bright blue eyes.

Hanei looks me over. "You're wearing something different, Akiha-chan. Wow... I've never seen you in clothing like that. You should wear stuff like that more often, Akiha-chan!" Hanei smiles and gives a thumbs-up in approval.

"Ah... yes. My usual outfit was not able to be cleaned before I went to bed last night, so I decided to wear this for today. Is it acceptable?" I spin in a slight circle, allowing them to see the entirety of the outfit.

"Acceptable?" Souka slithers into the conversation like a serpent. "It's nice on ya. I like the sweater, especially." Her eyes travel over the sweater covering my upper body, and she nods in approval as well.

The sweater, of course, is blue. I had not remembered that until Souka mentioned it. That is probably the easiest way to get Tsukihime Souka to notice you — wear something blue.

"Souka," I begin, "You say the same thing about my eyes. Are you sure you are not a boy?"

She gives me a bit of a dirty look. I give her a look right back and smirk slightly.

"And you, are you sure you're a woman?" Her eyes move over to my sweater as she walks up directly in front of me... specifically, to my chest.

"...What did you just say?" I clench my fists firmly.

"Ah, you two, stop fighting already!" Seo tries to muscle into the staredown, laughing nervously. "C'mon, we're here to go shopping and stuff, not fight!" She tries to very gently push us both apart.

We both glare at her and speak as one.

"Stay out of this, Seo!" I say.  
"Stay out of this, Akira!" Souka says.

The purple-haired girl looks like she is about to burst into tears, but she quickly backs off. She knows that the air has gotten rather hot and it is time to leave.

Souka returns her gaze to me, and I return my gaze to her in kind. The daggers in her eyes seem to be honed to an excellent sharpness, but mine are not blunt, either.

She smirks slightly, almost devilishly. I return it as well. I feel my hands slowly balling even more tightly into fists. I glance momentarily and see her flexing her fingers before she presses her knuckles against her hip and thigh, soft popping noises emitting as she cracks them. Just waiting...

Then...

"Uwahhh, Akiha-chan and Sou-chan are gonna rape each other in public!" The voice of Misawa Hanei rings out.

This makes Souka chuckle slightly. Even I cannot help but feel a smile cross my lips.

Souka and I were not really going to go at it, of course — we are great friends. It is just our unusual way of showing it, I suppose. It is one of the few unladylike acts I allow myself to indulge in.

"Seriously, Tohno. It looks good on ya," Souka says. "You should wear stuff like that more often. I think blue suits ya more than red."

"Thank you for the compliment, Souka," I reply with a slight smile. "But I have always simply felt more content around the color red, as it reminds me of autumn. Anyway... shall we get to shopping, then?"

"Shopping!" Seo chimes in. "I know the perfect store to visit first!" With this, Seo Akira takes off like a bullet, nimbly avoiding running into the crowd that is ahead of her with an array of hops, skips, and jumps.

The three of us all whip our heads as Seo runs off, and we all break out in pursuit. It is going to be a longer trip than we all thought...

Were she to get lost, I would be the one most directly responsible by default due to my status. I am thankful that few enough people recognize the face of Tohno Akiha so that I am able to go out in public... although a few people did look at me as I stepped out of the limousine.

The way Seo is running, however, it seems like she knows exactly where it is going. Hopefully to the art shop. There is one other place I can think of, but I am hoping I am wrong...

I watch as she darts inside a shop. As we get closer, I can see the stacks of doujinshi in the windows. Inwardly, I groan, my suspicions having been proven to be correct after all, and begin to mentally prepare myself. I already know what we are preparing for the second we go in there, and I quickly say a small prayer in my head for the poor workers inside. They are about to have a difficult day...

By the time the three of us catch up to Seo in the store, several circle members are staring at her in shock.

"...Of this, and one of this, and oh! One of these... wait... Issue #1? You're going to make this into a **_series_**_**?**_ TWO of this, then! I'll have to get one of them sealed..."

I sigh in exasperation. Souka scratches her head a bit sheepishly. Even Hanei seems to have caught on to the situation, and she picks at her blouse. All three of us just watch as the circle artists and assistants stare at her, wide-eyed and slightly slack-jawed.

"...Souka. Who picked out the mall?"

Souka immediately thumbs in the direction of Hanei without saying a word. I turn to her.

"...Hanepin," I say, calling her by her nickname. "Did you know this mall had a doujinshi shop?" I have a feeling I already know the answer, making this a rhetorical question.

"Ummmmmm... not really, no." My suspicions are confirmed once more — two for two, today, and these are bets I do not wish to keep winning on. Not that I would expect Hanei to know such a thing...

"Well, from now on, either we go to malls without doujinshi shops, or we will have to hold Seo's hand," I say as I cross my arms.

"...Right." Even Hanei understands the situation that we are all in. "I'll keep that in mind next time. Sorry, Akiha-chan."

"It is okay, Hanei. Just... remember this next time we all go shopping." I sigh once more.

We all look back towards Seo Akira, who is happily throwing her new doujinshi into the arms of one of the shop attendants. They are well over two feet high, and it looks like if she throws any more on, his arms will buckle, sending them to the floor. Seo just grabs more, ranting on, throwing them at the top of the pile. "...And this one, and... oh, hey! You're one of my favorite artists! Can we talk for a second?" The naturally blond-haired man blinks, but nods, unable to resist the onslaught of a cute teenaged fangirl gone wild. After all, it is rare for even a male manga fan to walk in and buy _**EVERYTHING**_ up for sale.

I calmly walk over to the attendant and whisper in his ear. "Now is the time to get those to a counter and start bagging, while you have the chance. Trust me, she will be buying every one - I know her too well." He looks at me for a moment, then quickly hustles to the counter. I watch him as he re-tightens his fingers along the bottom, to regain his grip, and lean the stack against his stomach and chest so they cannot tip forward.

The attendant, who is perhaps not much older than Seo himself, arrives just in time. No sooner did he get there than his arms gave out. Had he waited five more seconds, there would be a mountain of semi-ruined doujinshi at his feet, and Seo would have literally leapt out of her skin. Needless to say, I do not feel like chasing the bleeding, flayed form of Seo Akira all over a mall all day, dragging her skin behind me as I do, because she taxed the limits of a human's muscular strength to the breaking point.

"...Handcuffs next time, Souka."

She clears her throat. "Got it, Tohno."

* * *

After we drag Seo rather painfully out of the doujinshi shop by her arms, we decide it would be a good idea to get something to eat.

The problem is, of course, now we have four bags of doujinshi to carry around, no thanks to the enthusiasm of the amateur mangaka, Seo Akira.

Fortunately... I have quickly come up with a plan to serve both of our needs - to get us some lunch, as well as teach her a lesson. After all... four bags full of doujinshi are VERY heavy things to carry, and I am not particularly looking forward to being treated as a pack mule.

...At least, not without a little bit of compensation.

"We still have a good deal of shopping to do, so since Seo decided to get all of those heavy doujinshi first, as opposed to last, she will get punished with carrying her bags of doujinshi while we all shop." I announce to the group. "After all, we will have our own things to carry, so it is only fair that she carries her own things as well, after all." I give both Hanei and Souka the briefest of looks — a look that says "Play along."

"...Yeah, you're right, Tohno." Souka puts her bag of Seo's doujinshi into Seo's unused left hand. "I'm definitely gonna have at least two bags of stuff."

"...Uhh, yeah, me too!" Hanei puts her bag into Seo's right hand, doubling the weight on that arm.

"Alright, it is settled then!" I put my bag into Seo's left hand, doubling the weight on that arm and making her carry all of her own books. As Seo Akira is only 15, no doubt this is taxing the limits of her strength.

"That's not fair, you guys!" She shouts and grunts slightly as she struggles to keep her bags of doujinshi in the air and not on the ground. "C'mon, stand up for me! I'm the youngest!"

"Then maybe you should not have been so eager to run off and begin ringing up charges, Seo," I tell her bluntly. "Stacks of books are far heavier than clothing or whatever else we shall be buying, I am sure."

"No fairrrrrrrrrrr." She pouts. Her pouting is quite efficient with most people, seemingly forged by design to look so unbearably cute that one cannot help but go "Okay... but just this once, and do not pull it again!" Of course, inevitably it will come out every time, leading to a vicious cycle of incredibly cute pouting and Seo Akira getting her way.

Unfortunately for her, this does not work on Tohno Akiha.

"Come on, Seo. Or we will leave you behind." I nod slightly to Souka and Hanei, and they seem to get it. We begin walking off as one, "leaving" Seo to collect her own bags and keep up with us.

"W-WAIT! C'mon, I'll do anything, just help me!" She shouts to our turned backs.

All three of us stop almost as if on cue. I turn slightly to her. "...Anything, you say?" The slightest hint of an evil smirk is probably forming on my face, but I cannot help it.

"Y-Yeah! Well... ALMOST anything! You're not gonna kill me or something, right? That's kinda insane for just some doujinshi!"

"Of course not. But those are very bold words. Are you sure you want to risk that?" I cross my arms and tap my foot. "But please decide quickly. We do not have all day, Seo."

"Well... ah..." As if almost on cue, her left arm gives out, and the recoil of letting the bag go sends sends her crashing backwards to the floor with a mighty THUMP. The bags form a bit of a circle around her. Several people look at her, but see me walking over and think otherwise of investigating.

"Owwwwwwwww..." She rubs her backside slightly as she sits up on her knees. "Okay, okay, anything..." She sighs, resigned in her defeat.

"It is settled then. In exchange for our help, you are going to buy us lunch, Seo. A small price to pay for having that load taken off of your hands, is it not?"

"Wh-What?ǃ But... that's like... 6000 yen for the four of us! I could buy three more top-notch doujins with that!" Her eyes look to me, pleading, as if to say that I cannot be serious.

But I am quite, quite serious.

"What is that, you do not want our help? Well, okay then, it is your choice." I shrug and turn my back to her, walking off coolly.

"WAIT!" She screams it in exasperation before sighing. "Fine, fine... it's a deal, Tohno-senpai, you meanie." The pout returns without the tears. It is still incredibly cute looking.

I hold out my hand, and with it, I help Seo up after she takes it.

"Then, hand over the money, Seo. We do not work without being compensated, you know." For me, the 1500 yen or so we will each spend on lunch — a figure, I may add, that does include Seo — is trivial money to me, but this is partially to teach Seo a lesson.

She grumbles slightly as she reaches into her purse, and pulls out a wallet, producing a fairly worn 1000 yen bill and a somewhat crisp 5000 yen bill. I quickly put them in my purse before she changes her mind. "There... happy now, Meanie-senpai?" Her lips purse slightly in anger. Even this angry look of hers has a notable tang of cuteness.

"Why thank you, Seo," I smile. "Alright... Souka, Hanei, and myself will take one bag each. Surely you can carry one of those bags by yourself without your arms giving out, yes?"

"...Yeah. I should manage." She sighs, disappointed. She does not like the fact she "wasted" 6000 yen on lunch, but I am not cruel. I will slowly give her the 6000 yen back some other time, with her being none the wiser.

Besides... it will give us all a good, if somewhat nutritionally unbalanced, meal. Before long, Seo will even forget she had to pay for the lunch. Her mind will be on those doujinshi, I am sure.

I give Hanei the smaller bag, wanting her to take it easy since she is so used to doing favors like this already. "Here you go, Hanei. Please keep it by your side. Sharp book corners poking into one's body are not good for anyone, and you have, ehm, a little more up front than most."

"Huh...?" She blinks for a few moments as her brain tries to process my subtlety. Her brown eyes sparkle slightly when she realizes it. "Oh, right! Yeah, of course, Akiha-chan." She smiles slightly and puts the bag in her right hand.

"Thank you, Hanei. And now... here is your prize, Souka!" I announce it as I give it to her.

"Wow, what'd I win, DJ Tohno?" Her eyes light up like she had just won backstage passes to her favorite band. Souka is playing her role all too well. This is why I enjoy having her as a friend of mine.

"A bag full of hand-produced doujinshi!" I announce with mock glee, in my best radio DJ impersonation.

"Wow, just what I've always wanted! Now I can retire to Hawaii and live on the beach all day." She laughs, and holds the bag by its handles, putting her left hand through the holes to hold it.

I turn around and look back at Seo Akira, who is standing there with her shoulders slumped, depressed. "I hope you are coming, Seo. Otherwise, we may have to keep these, you know..." I turn around and wave my spare hand in her direction as myself, Hanei, and Souka head towards the food court.

"...It's not fair," we hear Seo pout before she picks up her bag and dashes after us.

* * *

* Kouhai - literally "Underclassman." Opposite of Senpai, which means "Upperclassman."

** Doujinshi - Doujinshi are self-produced and published literary works, usually novels or manga. (Japanese comics.)

* * *

A blessed few hours to forget my reality.  
How it would be so much better  
If all of my life were this simple...

Next Week (7/4/10) - Chapter 5: "Blood and Emotions ~Oil and Water~"


	5. Blood and Emotions: Oil and Water

A happy belated Canada Day, and a happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans. Don't blow your hands off with fireworks now!

* * *

Chapter 5: "Blood and Emotions ~Oil and Water~"

* * *

I call Ishizaki a few hours later, having invited the three of my friends over for a few hours. I do have my work done, even though I do not remember it apparently, so it is acceptable and will not matter if I have some company. It is a nice change of pace to have faces other than Hisui, Kohaku, Nii-san and Len in the mansion, at any rate.

I sit in the back seats, my bags in tow. I did not buy too much, but I found a pair of boots I like quite a bit, a nice fountain pen that seemed destined to fit in my hand, and a kakemono* with a scene of autumn leaves falling from a tree, a reminder of my favorite time of year. I would not change my birthday for the world, even if I could; autumn is truly my favorite season, and I am sad to see it ending soon. Regardless, the scroll is tasteful, and I shall like looking at it on my wall from time to time.

Seo, of course, went insane on buying nearly any doujinshi that interested her, as well as some new art and drawing supplies. Even with all that she bought, it is very likely that she will have read them from cover to cover in the space of a month or so. The girl will voraciously read through them first for amusement, then look them over with a closer eye, seeking if they do anything she could use to improve her own technique. I am glad Seo has such a talent; truth be told, sometimes I wish I could draw as artfully as she does. Perhaps someday she will become a professional artist. I can already think of a pen name for her: "Tsurupettanko."**

Hanei, naturally, bought things that accentuated her beauty. Some jewelry, an outrageous bra that was rather lacy and pushed up her breasts, and makeup. When I asked why she would ever want to wear such a bra, she just said "Good things will happen to me if I do!" and gave that terribly infectious smile of hers. Well, as long as it makes her happy, that should be all that matters. I, however, would never dare to wear something so... provocative, even if I were blessed to have breasts like Hanei does.

Souka bought mostly things that were, obviously, blue. Blue clothing, blue hairbands, a book called "Island of the Blue Dolphins"... blue, blue, blue. I would think she is too old for the book, but it is the English version, so perhaps that will make it more challenging to her. I am fluent in English out of necessity, so if I have time to spare, I may help her read it. It does look to be a fairly interesting novel, and I confess I have not read very much western literature. It would broaden my horizons to do so.

Seo could not wait to return to the mansion to tear open her new doujinshi. She is already laughing her head off at something she has read in one of them. Seo's laughter is cute if it is heard once in awhile, but when it is constant as it is now it is more like a fork scratching a fine dish. I do my best to ignore her laughter while speaking to Souka and Hanei.

"Hanei. What did you mean earlier by 'good things will happen' if you wear that bra?"

"Hm?" She looks at me, a bit confused at first. Typical Hanei. Her eyes widen slightly with understanding a couple of seconds later. "Oh! Well, isn't it obvious, Akiha-chan? I want a boyfriend."

"...With all due respect, Hanei, it would take a very patient man to be your boyfriend."

She giggles slightly. "That's what these are for!" She pushes out her chest slightly, proudly. Souka rolls her eyes, and then when Hanei is not looking, she leans over to me, shielding her mouth from Hanei's gaze with her hand.

"Hanei's lost it, Tohno," Souka whispers, "if she thinks that a racy bra is going to magically land her a boyfriend."

"Agreed," I quickly reply. After all... bras are worn INSIDE of shirts, not outside. As... unappealing as my chest is, even I know that.

There is also the fact that as attractive as Hanei is, a man would have to have great patience to be able to take care of her appropriately. As her friend, I will see to that, and make sure that whomever she proclaims as her boyfriend is not using her or simply trying to get in between her legs. Anyone who would dare to treat her in that manner with me around will find in me their worst nightmares, and then some.

Yet... is that not what I really want too?

Granted, I am not quite the same kind of woman Hanei is. I think I am attractive, yes... but my chest is definitely a drawback. It is acceptable on a girl like Seo, but it is not quite as acceptable on one who is supposed to be a woman such as myself. Admittedly, my demeanor could also be a factor. I can be... sharp at times. A third possible factor is that my lifestyle is a very busy one, even publicly. Oftentimes I am only on the campus for a very brief time — half an hour or so — after classes end at 3:30, and if not I am usually either doing some duties I have been assigned at school, practicing my violin playing, and so on. These sorts of things limit my ability to start up such new relationships. And fourth... of course... would be the reality of who I am — a human on the outside... a demon within.

Despite this all, someday I will have to decide upon an heir to the Tohno assets and name, because demon or not, I, like most beings, have only a limited amount of time on this world. It cannot be Nii-san, as Otou-sama named me head of the family, so the only real question is... do I have a child, or do I adopt one...?

It does not matter too much right now, of course, but it will be something that will have to be addressed in the years to come. There must be an heir to the Tohno name. I do not care very much if they are not of my flesh and blood, and truth be told, I would possibly prefer that they are not; I am still undecided on whether this is the right course of action. I may have gotten control of my blood back for good with "him" being gone and Nii-san's life no longer attached to mine, but there is no guarantee any children I have would have that same level of control. Depending on who the father would be, it is possible, although unlikely, that the demon blood would strengthen, even if the person possesses so little demon blood that they are, for all intents and purposes, human. Whether I choose to adopt, or have a child of my own, no matter what, the result would be dangerous.

There is also the fact that there are still those who hunt demons walking this planet. While Nii-san is the last of the Nanaya as far as we both know, there are many of the Asagami, Fujyou, and Ryougi families around, and not all of them even know they are of those bloodlines. Nii-san may be sympathetic to my ideals and causes — whether it is because he sees me as his sister, or simply a human, I do not know... but anyone from those families would potentially not be so willing to allow us to live. Therefore, even in my somewhat peaceful existence now, I must be on my guard at all times; the Ryougi, notably, are especially dangerous, being almost as efficient at killing as the Nanaya were.

Nii-san was dangerous, too... but in the end, even though he tried... even though I, myself, tried... he could not completely let go of Tohno Shiki. He could not kill me, much to my chagrin, forcing me to happily smile and give him a parting gift of doing it myself. He tried his best not to allow me to kill myself. His grip on the knife as I plunged it towards my heart that night a year ago was weak and exhausted, but at the same time I could tell he was trying to push the point anywhere but towards my breast, even as I pulled it closer.

In the end, it was only Kohaku's timely intervention that had saved us both, with the help of a thin strip of white cloth.

It saved Nii-san from the guilt of having watched me end my own life and become that which I think he detests the most. At this point, Nanaya Shiki was fading from consciousness, and Tohno Shiki was but a helpless observer. An observer who snapped back to his senses in time to see his sister firmly, but calmly, grab the knife he was holding in his hand and push it towards her chest with a smile.

But more importantly... Kohaku and that ribbon saved me from taking my own life, as a coward who could not admittingly truly kill Nii-san, either.

Someone who could not admit killing "him" brought her great pleasure.

Someone who could not admit that the demon blood running through her veins had nearly taken over and won.

Someone who could not admit she was drunk on the glorious power that surged through every nerve and fiber of her being.

It was only seeing Nii-san's face as he straddled her, knife inches from her neck, resisting the urge to slice through the line that he surely saw, that gave her a shred of her humanity back...

Perhaps it was because I love him so, but honestly, in the moment before I was sure I would feel the blade pierce my chest, my thoughts were on how handsome Nii-san looked at that moment. Masculine, and yet vulnerable. Strong, and yet weak. Self-sufficient... and yet dependent.

Dependent on his sister... to live. Not just literally, but figuratively as well...

"Hey. Tohno." A pair of fingers snap in front of my eyes. I startle slightly, then turn to them and follow them up. The hand is attached to Souka. "You alright? You looked like you wanted to cry for a sec there." Hanei is also looking at me, concerned. Seo is too lost in her doujinshi to even realize I had shown a moment of weakness among the three of them.

"...I am fine, Souka. Do not concern yourself with me." I shake the unpleasant memories out of my head as best as I can while repositioning my hair a bit.

...Although I must admit... Nii-san being on top of me in that way... that also might have been what brought Tohno Akiha back from wherever her soul had been temporarily discarded to...

It is very easy for someone to say "Sure, I will never lose my sanity," but those people have never experienced being on the brink of madness, of feeling the one single thread that keeps you barely sane fraying. They have never even come close. All it takes is the right triggers to make even the most sane person insane. An experienced torturer knows this, and once they find what breaks a person, all they need is a ruthless nature and the willpower to stop looking at them like human beings to bring out the dark side of human nature.

For example, even the most peaceful of men will probably fight for the lives of those he loves. His wife, his children, his family. But if you kill them... he will turn into a vigilante, driven by hatred, revenge, self-loathing, any number of things, perhaps. Then you have him in the palm of your hand. Or, if you're a little less ruthless, you can simply use them as a bargaining chip... but then you must be careful not to overdo it, as the man will kill you for it eventually or die trying, especially if you renege on promises made.

So many different things, and all it takes is lining them up in the right order to bring anyone — man, woman, or child — to the brink, and only one more event to send them over.

For me... that was a year ago. Of knowing "he" was still alive.

When Nii-san began having his nightmares, I knew then it was "him" and his influence. I knew that I had to act decisively and immediately, or else Nii-san would lose his mind... and, having just gotten him back, I was in no position to risk losing him ever again.

So I set out. That night, I tracked "him" down, and killed him once and for all. He would never haunt Nii-san, or me, ever again.

But, in his place, I wound up being the one to take on that burden. It was thanks to his dying curse, passing on his affliction to me. And without even realizing it, my grip on sanity began to fade.

I held Nii-san's life in my hands. Me. I could have ended it with just a whim, by cutting the very link that, in a similar period of insanity, I had established eight years beforehand.

And "he" was quite vocal about me cutting it. I nearly did. Nii-san got worse and worse, eventually being unable to even breathe very well...

...All because I was convinced by "him" and the curse, that this would somehow make him mine.

For a foolish, selfish reason, I thought that holding the power of life and death over him would somehow make him change his mind on whom he loved. But... he loved Kohaku as a partner, and not me. Despite my intense feelings for him, as far as Nii-san was concerned, Tohno Akiha is just his sister. He loves her very much, but they cannot ever take that step of being more than that, because he is unable to stop seeing her as his sister, and start seeing her as a woman.

In some ways, it is the worst pain I have felt in my life... knowing I was rejected. It is why I nearly killed Kohaku. But, enough of the human Tohno Akiha made the blow less than fatal. Grievous, yes, but not fatal.

At the same time... his rejection is partially what set the events into motion. If he had said yes to me... then there might still be a demon in the guise of Tohno Akiha, as opposed to Tohno Akiha herself, being in control of her mind and body.

...All for love.

It is why in some ways, I think I fear it, to be honest. Nii-san is the only person I could ever see myself loving, because if the worst happened, and he could not save me... I know he is fully capable of killing me to bring me peace. A regular human would stand absolutely no chance against my origami.

But, besides that... there really is no room for anyone other than him in my heart, I think. I... cannot see myself able to truly love anyone else, not even my friends. I mean, I DO love them; but I cannot fully love them because to do that would mean they would have to not only know about my flaws, but be prepared enough to deal with them.

And admittedly... there would not be many people who would be able to best me in a fight. Especially to the death. All I have to do is glare at them, and my origami will do the rest, vaporizing them within mere seconds if I will it so.

Unlike a human, I could win a fight without even lifting a finger. I could with a fight while laying flat on my back. I could win a fight from hundreds of feet above them... and they, they would become nothing but a mere thought.

And yet, at the same time... conflict. Conflict because as head of the Tohno Family... I must have an heir to our name when my time comes, whether it is in fifteen years or seventy-five. So... I really only have two choices.

One, I have a natural heir. Of course, they will be like me... their demon blood a little weaker, their human blood a little stronger, but they still run the risk of the Inversion Impulse just like I do. I would have to train them especially hard to resist the urge to invert. Our powers are wonderful things in theory... as long as we can control them. But great powers, unchecked, bring about great destruction, and the last thing I need is for Ciel-san and Arcueid-san to have to kill my children. It would bring them grief whether I were alive or dead; they both know me on too personal a level to feel anything but that if such an event occurred.

The other would be to adopt. Advantages, guaranteed freedom from inversion since they would lack the Tohno Bloodline. Disadvantages... would be explaining how I differ, and how someday they might have to kill me. Matricide is normally a fairly difficult thing to accomplish, mostly due to the emotional burden of killing your own mother, but it is a different matter entirely when your mother is... less than human.

Right now, though, that is the distant future. For now, I should be focusing just on making sure I keep what I have...

"Yo, Tohno!" A fingersnap. I shake my head, startled once more by the same pair of fingers in front of my eyes.

"Ah, yes, Souka?" I blink a bit.

"We're back at your home, you know." She looks at me, a little worriedly, before she climbs out. It is only then that I notice that I am the last one in the limousine.

I sigh as I collect my bags and exit.

* * *

* A kakemono is a type of Japanese wall-scroll painting, that are hung on the wall and easily changeable.

** "Tsurupettanko" roughly means "Smooth and Flat-chested girl."

* * *

Memories can never fade, both good and bad.  
And yet... there is no escaping the future, either.  
I am damned either way...

Next Week (7/11/10) - Chapter 6: "A Dish Best Served Au Gratin"


	6. A Dish Best Served Au Gratin

Chapter 6: "A Dish Best Served Au Gratin"

* * *

As I begin walking towards the entrance to the mansion, I have once again cleared the unpleasant memories from my head. It has been a year. I love Nii-san with all of my being, and he loves me too. It might not be the way I love him, or the way I want to be loved... but I know there is love there. True, genuine love.

If there was not, Tohno Akiha would be a well-dressed skeleton approximately two meters underground.

I really should not dwell on such things; I know this. But ever since the beginning of the month, really, it has been in the back of my mind, and as of late, it just seems to be growing and growing and growing. Gnawing at me, at the fabric of my soul, like some sort of vicious animal, trying to rip every single piece of flesh that it can from a bone.

Kohaku is waiting by the front gate. She smiles and bows as gracefully as ever. "Welcome home, Akiha-sama. I trust it you had a pleasant day of leisure?"

"I did, Kohaku," I reply. "It is rare, but I did. This does not mean we will not speak of last night, however. We shall discuss this after my friends leave."

I have not forgotten about that, of course. I put it in the back of my mind briefly, yes, but for me to forget I would have been drugged... would have meant that Kohaku had concocted a powerful drug, indeed.

She nods once more, still smiling. "Of course, Akiha-sama. For now, however, I shall prepare dinner for the... four of you, is it?"

"Yes, Kohaku. Myself, Hanei, Seo, and Souka. Yourself and Hisui as well, if you wish, of course." It would be rude to have Kohaku cook so hard and not allow her to enjoy the fruit of her labors. And not allowing Hisui to share a meal with us would be inhumane.

Kohaku bows slightly. "Thank you, Akiha-sama. Well, if you will excuse me, I shall begin preparing." With this, she walks off calmly.

Kohaku is no longer like a doll, but she is still difficult to read sometimes. Unlike Hisui, who gives subtle but consistent clues about her feelings and emotions, Kohaku is generally smiling. I am certain she is genuinely happier with how her situation has changed over the last year, but it takes truly serious emotional conflicts or crises to make the smile disappear from Kohaku's face.

...How does she manage that, I wonder?

Surely, she must remember as well as I do the events of a year ago. In some ways, they were her greatest mistake as well as her moment of glory, as the former doll threw off the shackles of being a puppet and resumed being a human.

And yet... she acts as if her life has been perfect, without remorse or regret since.

Is it because she is doing it through sheer will?

Is she simply living yet another charade?

Is it because of Nii-san?

...Is it because I will feel guilty if she shows she suffers as I do...?

Argh, enough of this! I shake my head to scatter the thoughts.

We walk inside. Seo has been here before a few times, but Souka only once, and Hanei, never. Thus, Hanei is staring with bewilderment at the mansion, and Souka is as well but less as impressed. Seo could practically not care less, her nose stuck firmly between the pages of a doujinshi.

"Akiha-chan," Hanei begins. "Your house... it's so... big!" Her brown eyes wander around the hall in amazement. Misawa Hanei is from a fairly well-off family, but she probably has never seen or been to a place quite like the Tohno mansion. I am glad that it is leaving such an impression on her, and it means Kohaku and Hisui are doing a fine job keeping the mansion in check — not very easy considering it is the size that it is and they are only two people.

...And usually only one, as Kohaku is only here on the weekends. Hmm. Maybe it would not hurt to get some extra help...

I smile slightly. "Yes, well, the Tohno are a wealthy and famous family, of course. Come, we will sit in the tea room and relax while Kohaku prepares dinner. Ah... which kinds of tea do you prefer?" While traditionally, the host would make such choices, sometimes one will break tradition for friends. I do not have them over very often, so this seems like a good idea, although Otou-sama would probably not approve. However, Otou-sama is not the one making this decision — I am. And I will indulge my friends a little, even if it is not "proper" etiquette.

Hanei speaks first. "Green Tea for me, please." Hanei, in her simplicity, does not ask for a specific kind. Whether she simply does not care, or actually does not know, is somewhat hard to say. Hanei is not stupid, but subtleties such as specifics do tend to slip her mind.

"Of course," I reply. "Will Gyokuro suffice?" Gyokuro is, naturally, a fine and expensive tea, but nothing less than the best will do, if she desires it.

Hanei blinks. Apparently, she does not know Gyokuro apart from some mass-produced green tea, meaning she does not remember the kinds of green tea very well. But she smiles a few seconds later. "Uhhh... yeah! That will be fine, Akiha-chan." She will like it, I am sure. Hanei is a bit of a traditionalist, in that regard.

"Very well." I nod, and turn to Souka. "Next up is you, Souka. What do you prefer?"

"Mmmm. Do you have anything sweeter than Gyokuro?" That is Souka... always one to buck the trend, and actually make some demands. I like this aspect of her, however, so I do not mind it.

I think for a moment, cradling my left elbow in the palm of my right hand as my left hand finds its way to my chin and rubs as I think. "I believe we have some Matcha. Is that sufficient?"

Souka nods. "Yeah. That'll do, Tohno. Thanks." She gives a slight grin. It is not the same as Hanei's radiant smile, but it has a charm of its own, and much as Hanei's smile suits her, Souka's grin is likewise the perfect one for her.

"And you, Seo? What will you have?" I ask.

I am met with no response.

"Seo?" I look around.

I see her in a chair, having already pulled over a footstool and relaxing as if she were completely at home, her nose buried deep inside her doujinshi. At the moment, Seo Akira is oblivious to the outside world.

I put my hands on my hips momentarily and sigh in exasperation.

Seeing Seo absorbed in her doujinshi, I walk over to her and wait on her patiently, to see how long it is before she notices me. It is approximately a minute later — and with some leaning over so some of my hair slowly moved into her vision — that she becomes aware I am standing over her.

"...Uh, yeah, Tohno-senpai?" I can see the regret in her eyes at being interrupted. She must be in the middle of a particularly enjoyable section of the doujinshi. Of course, if she would have been paying attention, she would still be reading it.

"Seo. What kind of tea do you prefer?"

"Uhhhh..." She taps her lips with her finger for a moment as she thinks. "...today I think I'd like some black tea. With honey, milk, and two sugar cubes, please." Unlike Hanei or Souka, Seo knows what she wants.

While I would love to pour some of my most bitter green tea down her throat as I cackle evilly and tell her she does not need any more sugar, I nod and smile obligingly. "Of course, Seo. I will go inform Kohaku now, so please wait here for me to return." I smile slightly as I walk off in the direction of the kitchen, although I find myself cursing her under my breath the entire way.

Kohaku is inside, preparing our dinner. It appears to be some sort of dish made with cheese. I believe the cooking style is called "Au Gratin." French cuisine, if I recall correctly. It is an interesting style of cuisine, a sort of offshoot of western food, but with its own unique traits and ideas. In particular, it favors cheese on a lot of dishes, usually as a topping.

"Hm? Akiha-sama, is something wrong?" Kohaku looks in my direction and smiles slightly as she sprinkles cheese onto the dish. "Dinner is not ready yet. Please wait about another twenty or thirty minutes."

"No, Kohaku, nothing is wrong," I reply. "I would like to request some tea, though, when you have a moment."

"Of course, Akiha-sama. I already have yours steeping." Smart. But Kohaku has done this often, so it is unsurprising.

I nod and smile slightly. "Thank you, Kohaku, but my friends would request something different. I need you to prepare one cup of Gyokuro, one cup of Matcha, and one cup of Black Tea, ehm... Masala Chai, with milk, a hint of honey, and two cubes of sugar. Can you remember all of that?"

"Very well, Akiha-sama." Kohaku bows. "I should have them out in about ten minutes."

I nod, and walk out. I think Kohaku could tell I still wanted to talk to her, and so she does not make a fuss out of it now with company over. That is very wise of her, as I do not appreciate having difficulties or delays during the rare times I have company over.

Precisely ten minutes later, our tea arrives. Gyokuro for Hanei, Matcha for Souka, Masala Chai for Seo, and for myself, a simple serving of Aki-Bancha.

I calmly sip my tea, and talk with my friends. I do not admit it very often, but sometimes I long for days like these. However my work got done, I am thankful for it deep down inside. I may be Tohno Akiha, but even Tohno Akiha needs friends and time to relax.

Even though the discussion is rather topical and, honestly, ridiculous half of the time, that is what makes it so... endearing. Usually I am very formal and courteous due to my upbringing, but when I talk amongst our family, I have to take a voice of authority, a tone of assertiveness. Kohaku and Hisui I talk to in the tone of a mistress, and they reply in the tone of a servant.

...Nii-san, I speak very respectfully to.

So really, the only time where I do not have to worry about being so "proper" is when I am in situations like I am now, simply talking about things with Hanei and Seo and Souka. Mind you, I am not going to suddenly begin using slang or vulgar language as they do, especially in Souka's case, but it feels... open, to have discussions like this. I wish I could put a better word on how I feel about it; I cannot.

The dinner goes well. Everyone loved Kohaku's dish. I seem to be in the mood for western food today, as I enjoyed it quite a bit. Western food has an altogether different way of mixing its flavors. While Japanese cuisine tends to be careful blends of one flavor and another, all of them blending harmoniously, I find that western cuisine tends to focus on layering, rather than blending, flavors. One might, say, get a sharp tang of meat before a mellow layer of cheese. It is quite interesting to me. Lately, as Kohaku has been experimenting more with these sorts of dishes, I find myself liking them, much to Nii-san's chagrin, who seems to like, for the most part, Japanese foods more than western ones.

Well, even if we are brother and sister, I cannot expect us to be EXACTLY alike. Even fraternal twins have some differences... not that Nii-san and I are twins in any sense of the word, of course. And it is not like I dislike Japanese cuisine, either... I suppose I am just more willing to experiment with it than Nii-san is.

...Then again, Nii-san did not grow up in a household where one had as many choices of food, either. What was served was what you ate, or you went hungry, from what he said...

Sadly, even though time seems to slow down while I am working, it seems to speed up while I am relaxing. The hours seemingly fly by as I talk with Seo, Hanei, and Souka, and Kohaku and Hisui both join us for a short while as well, but before long, I realize it is approximately 8 PM. My friends have to leave, as I lock the mansion up at 9 PM sharp.

"Apologies for this, but I just noticed the time... it seems to have gone faster than I thought it would, and I do not want to keep you all here too late, so I will have Ishizaki all give you a ride back. Please collect your things," I say with certainly notable dissatisfaction in my voice.

Resignedly, they collect their bags of things we had bought earlier today as I inform Ishizaki over the phone that his services are required.

We are all a bit sad at this. Nobody really wants to leave, and truth be told, I really do not want to have to make them go, either. But I am nothing, if not consistent. The mansion is locked down at 9 and the guard dogs released at the same time; the lights are mostly out at 10. This way I can ensure I get enough sleep, allowing myself to rise in a generally timely manner, usually at 5 AM and almost never later than 6.

"Seo. Take care of yourself for now. I will see you in class on Monday." I smile at my kouhai as I help her get her filled backpack on.

Seo smiles in kind. "Yeah. Thanks, Tohno-senpai! It was fun today."

"Yes it was..." I quietly say under my breath. Seo is more or less oblivious to the fact that until she was served tea, she kept her nose firmly stuck in a doujinshi. Truth be told, though, I did enjoy the time with her... well, after she began actually participating in our conversation and topical discussions, anyway. She is not wholly unlikable or unredeemable, she just... rubs one the wrong way at times, as the expression goes.

I walk over to Souka. "I will see you on Monday as well, Souka."

She grins slightly, in the manner that pleases me. "Yeah. Catch ya later, Tohno. Wear that sweater more often, it's nice on you."

"I shall consider it," I say. Honestly, I still prefer the color red far more than the color blue... but a change of pace every so often is not bad. Perhaps once in awhile I will wear such an outfit, if for no other reason than to change things up a little.

Last but not least, is Hanei. "Hanei... just because you bought a..." I struggle to find the right word for a moment. "...a flashy bra, it does not mean boys will flock to you."

Hanei blinks, looking slightly sad. "It... won't...?"

"Of course not, Hanei. Bras are worn under the clothing, not over them. You would have to remove your shirt in order for a boy to see it, unless you wear very sleazy shirts." I cross my arms, and await the inevitable reaction that will come.

Blink. Blink.

It takes a few seconds for her mind to process it, but when she does, she crumbles.

"...Wahhhhhhh! I forgot about that!" She looks positively crushed.

Souka and myself, after glancing at one another, once more roll our eyes. Unless Hanei is a very bold woman — and as long as I have known her, I have not known her to be so bold — she will surely be wearing some form of shirt over that ostentatious bra.

"Souka... keep an eye on her for me, please," I say with a notable tang of frustration in my voice.

"Yeah, Tohno. Of course." She sighs in exasperation as she scratches her head. It is not the fact she must do it that stresses her so; rather, it is that we have both been down this road many times before with Hanei, and it very rarely changes.

I walk with them outside to Ishizaki, instructing him to take them home. Wishing each other a final farewell and a few hugs later, I shut the door and watch as the limousine drives off, until it is nothing more than a speck.

And then the speck disappears. My friends are, for the moment, gone. It is back to business as usual at the Tohno mansion.

I sigh a bit sadly. The wind blows through my hair as I do, and it has that light crispness of middle autumn — no longer a warm breeze, but the air is not so cold as to make this wind chilly. On the whole, it is a pleasant feeling, and one that gives me, for some strange reason, a sense of melancholy in me. I am unsure why, but on the whole, I find it... bittersweet, for lack of a more elegant word to describe it.

I head back inside, locking the gate behind me after I re-enter the mansion grounds proper.

...?

A doujinshi is on the floor near where Seo's bag was. It must have fallen out. I can tell based upon the current lack of cover art that it is one of her own — cover art is always the last thing Seo will draw in her own doujinshi.

Come to think of it, it has been awhile since I have had a good look at how far Seo's progressed in her art. She is intensely private about her doujinshi until she finishes them. To her, reading one of her doujinshi before it is "finished," in her mind, is about the same as reading a girl's private diary — a tremendous invasion of her privacy that is not so easily forgiven.

Well, she is not here now. For tonight, at least, this one is mine. I will call her tomorrow and inform her she left it, as there is no way she will arrive back here before 9 PM, and I am not going to unlock the mansion gates just to give her a simple doujinshi.

I walk back over to my favorite sitting chair, and begin to open it up and flip through it.

The story, according to the cover page, is "Shuufuurakubaku."* An interesting title. Perhaps Seo is writing some form of romance story? It seems fitting for her. She is, after all, fifteen, and nearing sixteen in January; a girl her age... well, it is only natural she begin having romantic thoughts. I know I was about Nii-san at that age.

I flip the page to the first panel...

...The main heroine of this tale looks very much like Seo. A slightly older Seo, but the resemblance is uncanny. She is talking about how she pines for the one she loves the most, using horribly flowery and romantic language. Seo is a good artist, but she still needs to realize that real people do not talk like this, even about one they love. Even as elegant as I am, I would not want someone to say I am "pretty as a flower" or "smile like the sun." It is false language, in my opinion. I would much prefer that they tell me I am attractive, or I have a beautiful smile.

...Of course, if they say my chest is as "still as the ocean" I will become a hurricane and make them regret it.

At the same time... I suppose this is natural. At her age, after all, most girls her age are indeed concerned with getting a boyfriend and have an idealistic view of love and relationships. They all believe that their own prince exists somewhere and wax romantically, almost poetically, about getting them, and how they will make all of their dreams come true. So far, this doujinshi is fitting this mold precisely.

It seems that she is about to enter a panel where the reader will flip a page to find the love interest — an excellent technique that builds suspense and anticipation. Admittingly, I can feel such an emotion within myself as my fingers carefully reach for and turn the page. I scan the page to see who her ideal boyfr—

...

...

...

...

...Why am I on this page?

...More importantly, why are me and Seo... kissing...?

* * *

* Shuufuurakubaku translates roughly to "Forlorn and Helpless" and/or "Lonely and Desolate."

* * *

...What is the meaning of this...?  
Why would Seo... draw something like this...?  
Does... this mean...

* * *

Next Week (7/18/10) - Chapter 7: "The River of Dreams"


	7. The River of Dreams

Chapter 7: "The River of Dreams"

* * *

...Is it... possible that Seo is not attracted to males, but to... females?

...Is it... possible that Seo is not only attracted to females, but to... me?

...Is it... possible that Seo is not only looking at me as a Senpai, but to... be a lover?

THUMP.

I feel my heart shiver in my chest like the blood in my veins had chilled. My hand tremors slightly as my eyes remain fixated to this... this image.

An image that is both simultaneously utterly revolting and hauntingly beautiful. There is simply no other way to describe it.

I avert my eyes, and try to shake the image and thoughts from my head. No. This can't be right. This, this is just all a freakishly horrid coincidence... maybe I am simply a model for this girl... yes... that has to be it...

...Right?

But... what if I'm not? Then this means Seo... could... she, and I... we'd...

No! No, I'm imagining this. Surely. It must be some freak thing... caused by "him"... yeah...

That's why I'm feeling the tightness in my chest, because of— eh?

...Tightness...?

I place my right hand over my heart. As I do, I feel it thump resolutely in my breast. Determined to keep my body alive, even if the momentary shock made me into the living dead for a few fleeting seconds.

It seems it has forgotten to beat for a few moments, and is only now remembering. My lungs suddenly resume working as well, but I only notice they had stopped in the first place as I noisily gasp in air.

I feel slightly dizzy. I shake my head to try to remove it, and look at the page a second time to ensure I am not hallucinating.

...I am not. The girl who looks very much like Seo and the girl nearly identical to me are kissing...

I... cannot believe this...

I would never, ever do such a thing with Seo! Seo is a girl, and so am I! I do not like females sexually or romantically, I like males! Specifically, Nii-san is the only person I am interested in having a relationship with, so why—

My heart skips a beat as I realize that the characters in the title can be read another way, if one takes them character by character.

"Lonely Autumn Winds."

...Seo wrote potentially her actual, inner thoughts and desires in this... about me...

...About... me...

...

...

...I race to my room. Kohaku is waiting for me in the hall, but I race past her as well, grabbing the door handle with a sweaty palm and twisting it violently downward, slamming the door behind me as soon as I enter, listening to my heart pulse rapidly, feeling the blood surge through the temples of my head with every single heartbeat. I pant as I hear her call my name, but I no longer wish to talk to her. I am in no condition to talk to her. I... I can't think clearly...

I listen to my breathing. Short. Sharp. Raspy. As if no air was able to be held in my lungs.

My heart, providing a non-stop cadence for my lungs to work by. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

The temples of my head, working in time. Throb. Throb. Throb. Throb.

I feel my stomach turning slightly. I don't know what's worse... that Seo is possibly really looking at me in that way, or that I will have to tell her I am not. Either way, the situation is not good...

...It is dangerous.

A fantasy such as this one, if it's a true one, is best left in one's mind. This is why despite my deep feelings for Nii-san, I would never dare to vocalize them... not even to him. It's bad enough Kohaku knows, and that's because she's not stupid enough to not notice how I reacted when she and him were spending time together.

For even though I am an educated, intelligent woman... jealousy is a behavior inherent to the human condition.

Were we animals, Kohaku and I would be fighting until one of us fled or died. Well, then it'd be simple... _I'd kill her easily,_ I think to myself as I feel a smirk cross my face.

"Akiha-sama, is everything okay?ǃ Akiha-sama, please answer me or I'm going to break down the door!" She bangs on it with her fist, and she sounds genuinely concerned. Her words — and the fact that she's banging on the door more or less where the back of my head is — are enough to bring me back to reality. For the third time in possibly as many minutes, I shake images of a spider spinning up her prey out of my head.

I steel myself for a moment so I can manage to speak about as normally as possible as one can when one realizes that perceived idol worship has progressed into romantic and sexual infatuation, with a member of the same sex, at that.

"...Everything is fine, Kohaku. Do not worry... I will, ah, speak with you tomorrow."

Silence. I can tell Kohaku is weighing options. I simply know her too well by now.

Does she refuse my demand?

Does she assent?

A good servant will be obedient, yes... but a great servant will know sometimes she has to break the rules. And if anyone is experienced at breaking the rules and getting away with it... it would be Kohaku.

More silence. She is thinking about it. That much is good, but...

...Which decision is the right one here and now? I honestly don't know. Part of me wishes Kohaku would just go away. Part of me knows talking about it might help, but... that is such an EMBARRASSING thing to talk about, especially to another girl!

Approximately 10 seconds later, she has made her decision. "...Very well, Akiha-sama. I will be in my room if you change your mind or need anything." After a few moments of awaiting a reply which I do not give her, I hear her footsteps slowly walk off, followed about ten seconds later by the opening and closing of a door.

I sigh in relief. I will have to thank her in the morning, possibly. A small price to pay for the peace of now.

I walk over to my bed and I lay on my back, trying to collect my thoughts and calm my body.

What... in her right mind would possess her to draw something like that? Granted, I do not know Seo's sexuality, but that is because her sexuality is really none of my concern. It is not my job to police my friends in that way — as long as they are happy with whomever they are with and that person is not dangerous, I would learn to grow to accept them.

...But...

...What if it really is me?

...For that matter... why me, of all people?

Surely she would be able to find someone more to her style and liking than I am. I am very unlike Seo, in nearly every way. We do not share hobbies or interests, for the most part, although I will confess to having proofread some of her finished work... which is not too bad, although I can hardly confess to being much of a doujinshi reader.

Her stories have been rather interesting ones, at least. They had some flaws in them, sure, but her writing, while improving, is not quite up to par — not yet. Her art is rather good, but she lacks someone with the ability to take a character and transform a look, a voice, and a tone into written word.

Her stories tend to be comedies, which is why the fact this one was so serious from the start greatly intrigued me. Although it would have been just as typical of Seo to put someone who was very obviously NOT attractive in the slightest in that panel, too, of course. That is her sort of style, to get you to think one thing so that her joke has more effect.

But, this was no joke. This was definitely a romance story.

...And it just so happened that either this other girl is me, or a girl whose looks, proportions, and body shape are very obviously based upon me.

I sigh a bit, and close my eyes, remembering that scene. That scene, of a shared kiss.

The image of Seo and myself kissing goes through my head, over and over and over again, only finally stopping when, without realizing it, I fall unconscious.

* * *

"...Mmmmh..."

My eyes open slowly on the bed. They blink a few times, as I realize now I had fallen asleep.

...Seo had drawn that doujinshi. That doujinshi of her... and me. Kissing.

It was admittedly a cute drawing. The sort of innocent love that schoolgirls such as her would dream of. Her and me, kissing, lips touching ever so slightly, ever so carefully, ever so tenderly, ever so romantically.

...But still.

I do not like other women. Not in that way. Nii-san as my public partner would be the worst publicly, but a woman would be considered next most scandalous. In society, it is a gray area — some people approve of it, some people disapprove of it, and many are fighting for the right to marry the same sex.

Truth be told, I honestly believe that one should simply be allowed to at least attempt to be with the one who brings them happiness in this world, regardless of what they are. Obviously, if the other person rejects their advances, that is one thing, but... our time on this planet is far too short to worry about such a trifling matter, really. Everyone wants to be happy... so they should be given the freedom to be happy.

At the same time... while I am not one to tell one whom they can or cannot love, I cannot allow Seo to view me in this way. Even if her attraction is to girls, my attraction is not. Therefore, I will have to call her and inform her of this.

I sit up in my bed and stretch. I feel rested and re-energized. On one hand, I am a bit angry that I fell asleep so soon. On the other, it is approximately the time I would wake up anyway. I can tell, even though I look at the clock to be certain.

4:52 AM. My body is performing like clockwork. It is fully used to waking up at this time.

It is also probably for the best that my mind has cleared up from its panic last night. Now that I have slept on it a little, I feel that I am much more mentally prepared to confront Kohaku about my drugging on Friday night.

I walk over to my window and gaze out. The moon is high, and a little over half full. A waning gibbous.

Arcueid-san is no doubt getting ready to retire for the night, if she has not already. I am fairly sure that any threats she fought or was monitoring have either been defeated or she has gathered the information she needs. Her usual personality and demeanor may be somewhat childish and naive, but her determination while on the job is nothing but pure business.

...Although, despite that, I believe she is still smitten with Nii-san, but... she can do something I cannot — she can accept that he has affection for others. For Kohaku, and not for her.

...I could not, initially.

I remember full well my attitude, my words. "If there is a time for me to do that, then that is after finding out that it will never become mine."

Such words... send a shiver down my spine as I remember them. Those were not the words of Tohno Akiha. Those were not the wishes of Tohno Akiha. Those were not the desires of Tohno Akiha.

...Those were the words of a demon, impersonating Tohno Akiha.

It was "him" influencing me. "Him" that made me bold to the point of blindness. Perhaps I am a little more sure in my action and thought now, but never again will I allow "him" to control me in that manner. Tohno Akiha controls Tohno Akiha. Nobody else. If he wishes to control my mind in that manner again, he shall have to kill off Tohno Akiha completely...

"...Ah." A tear has slid itself down my cheek.

I lift it with my index finger, and look at it. Crystalline. Pure.

_**HUMAN.**_

Tohno Akiha is human. Tohno Akiha was born human. Tohno Akiha appears human. Human features, human organs, human speech, human thoughts, human emotions, human insecurities, human imperfections...

"He" was not human. He ceased to be human when he rushed at me to kill me, 9 years ago. He looked human, he had human features. He even spoke like a human. But the sounds he made, the thoughts in his head... they were delusional. Foolish. Insane...

...Lunatic.

That is the most fitting word. The moon.

The red moon. Blood red moon.

Crimson Red Vermilion... chaos reasserting itself.

Humans can be thought of, really, as complex machines; a set of highly-ordered systems whose individual components may seem superficially chaotic, but they are adjustable, understandable, and controllable when you know exactly what you are doing.

But this comes at a price.

That price is that such order in the self causes disorder in the environment. When we carve out a home that is comfortable for ourselves, we disturb the comfort of the place where we build it. Life, therefore, is allowed to exist because as it grows, the cosmic energies in the universe shift around to accommodate it. Therefore, the more structured the life, the more chaos grows elsewhere.

An equivalent exchange.

This has been proven throughout history. Parasites feed off of their hosts. Empires are built upon misery and enslavement of the losers. Those with superior tact triumph over those who favor sheer, stupid force. The strong thrive, the weak die, and in this manner, balance of all things are sustained.

Such was the case with "him" — as Otou-sama rigidly controlled his life, things such as fun and games with me, or with Nii-san, inevitably were creating chaos in the structure. Therefore, the structure had to be made more rigid and less accessible to us, and Otou-sama made it so. The day where "he" inverted forever, was the first time he had been allowed outside with Nii-san and I for approximately a month and a half, because he had achieved perfect scores on both his school tests and on Otou-sama's own, far more personal tests of the Tohno family.

This, was Otou-sama's most fatal mistake and flaw. He could not see that they had to be balanced.

For when order suddenly turns to chaos — when there is simply too much for it to hold back anymore — it all comes crashing down with no chance whatsoever for it to diffuse safely; there is no time for such rebalancing. Like an earthquake, the break is clean, immediate, and packed with extreme amounts of energy. There is balance... but not before the excess energy is spent to create the balance.

And that night... was my earthquake. That night that I killed "him," I could not push back the pure chaos that he had injected directly into my ordered life, nor could I dissipate it.

And thus, I lost.

It really happened. For several days, Tohno Akiha was dead, and Crimson Red Vermilion Akiha walked in her stead... and the damn demon was smart enough to hide her power and play the charade, like some sort of distorted, scrambled mirror.

She looked like her. She sounded like her.

To an extent, she thought like her.

But the thoughts in her head weren't the full thoughts of Tohno Akiha. What remained of Tohno Akiha was feverishly trying to find a way to reassert her control over her body, unable to do much else but watch through a shared set of eyes as she did things entirely against her will.

Like drinking blood. And even stopping that took nearly every ounce of what remained. But the chaos did not like that. So it turned to its next target... Nii-san.

Tohno Akiha would never want to harm Nii-san.

But... she did.

No, she didn't just want to harm him, she DID harm him. Slowly but surely crippling first his body, then his mind, until he could no longer think clearly. Until he could scarcely breathe.

Toying with his life, like it was some sort of sick game for her amusement.

And listening to "him," bending entirely to his willpower. Raping her symbolically, by doing that which she did not want to do.

That... makes my blood boil.

In the reflection of the window, I can see the tips of my hair starting to turn a vibrant red. Because...

...Because right now, I want to kill "him" again. I want to hear him scream in terror as I vaporize him, cell by cell. I will do it slowly and carefully, politely stating that if he would but hold still, I would make it quicker on him.

But the truth is... if that somehow managed to fool him... it would all be a very vicious lie.

I really want to make him suffer, and scream for mercy. And I want to grin and tell him, in the strongest words possible, that he will have none. Even his new death would make the old one seem like a butterfly landing on his finger.

While my origami restricts him, more of it would slowly drain his heat. I would do it one cell at a time, with every single cell in his body, starting from that which is non-vital and slowly working until I begin removing heat from his core, vital organs. It would take hours. But when one is dancing with the devil in the blood red moonlight, it is improper to end the dance early.

A fanatical waltz would be the perfect dance to have, at that time. I would at least give him some entertainment in his last hours. He may be too distracted to appreciate it much, but I would do so.

Who knows... I might even drink his blood if he were a good audience member.

But...

That would be letting "him" win. And so I force myself to stop thinking them. Because, most importantly, I could not kill him again even if I wanted to. I vaporized him a year ago; there is no undoing my action, and even though I feel satisfied personally with what I did, there is no removing the stain it permanently smeared onto my soul.

I breathe slowly and deeply, to calm myself down. It is the best strategy for dealing with the demon forever shackled in my blood.

Just close your eyes, and breathe deeply. And it will go away. You have done this before, when Otou-sama taught you.

In. Out. In. Out.

After a few breaths, I feel the homicidal thoughts recede into my deeper consciousness, and the human side of Tohno Akiha returns as her dominant consciousness. My eyes reopen, and in the reflection of the window, I can see that the tips of my hair have returned to their shade of jet black.

I pull myself away from the window. These thoughts are terrifying. They are depressing me and making me sick. And more importantly, they are giving "him" a chance to win from beyond the grave. I refuse to be anyone's puppet, much less the puppet of a dead person.

He will not win. Not from death. I refuse to allow such a thing to happen to me! I am stronger than that. I am stronger than him. If he were the stronger one, I would be the dead offspring of Tohno Makihisa, and not him.

The fact that I am alive proves that I am stronger, and he was weaker. The weak cannot take over the strong; therefore I will not give in to such thoughts... even if they are of him. Even if they are of killing him again.

Because... when one can find reasons to kill again, willingly, for whatever reason, their humanity dies. Then they just become a murderer. And when one begins to take pleasure in the act of killing... then they become a monster.

...And I fear becoming a monster more than probably just about anything else I could possibly think of.

...Maybe I will talk to Kohaku about more than the drugs. Between this and Seo's doujinshi, a lot has suddenly been on my mind. I will not be able to function properly tomorrow, or next week, or forever if I do not relieve some of this stress.

Fortunately... one of the better stress relievers that I have is something I have integrated into my daily routine, as it has been for years. Today, I am more eager to take it than I otherwise would be. It will give me enough mental relaxation until later when I feel ready to talk to Kohaku, at any rate.

I quickly gather my cleaned, usual outfit, and head to my shower, possibly the most important fifteen minutes out of every day.

Fifteen minutes in which to attempt to wash, however futilely, the sins from my soul.

* * *

A human. A demon.  
I am a mix of both of these things.  
And at times, I find reasons to curse them both.

* * *

Next Week (7/25/10) - Chapter 8: "Super Alchemist Grand Archmage Citrina!"


	8. Super Alchemist Grand Archmage Citrina!

Chapter 8: "Super Alchemist Grand Archmage Citrina!"

* * *

Sunday, October 27, 2002

* * *

By the time I finish showering, cleaning, and dressing myself, it is about six in the morning. Kohaku is already up, preparing breakfast.

Even though it is a Sunday, this routine is so ingrained into the both of us that it is virtually impossible to break. She and I have both been waking up at approximately this time, even on weekends, for about nine years now. This is nothing unusual to either of us.

But one thing has changed since then. The difference now is, this is also when I try to learn how to cook a little.

"Good morning, Kohaku." I greet her cordially as I enter the kitchen, having made sure my hair is thrown back.

"Good morning, Akiha-sama." She speaks with her ever-present smile. "You seem to be feeling a lot better this morning."

"Yes, well... what had happened last night had been quite a shock to my mind," I reply, slightly disaffectedly.

"Ah, you're talking about when you ran past me into your room, yes? You were as pale as a ghost." Kohaku gives me a worried look.

I sigh slightly. I can feel my usual thoughts swarming my head that I have no need to elaborate. After all, what my thoughts are, are nobody's business but my own, and just because I admit that they are shocking to me does not automatically mean that I will tell anyone about them. After all, lots of things are shocking to me.

But... at the same time, I am trying to seem less cold and unfeeling. I promised Kohaku that if she would stop thinking as a doll, that I would try to be more open about myself. And so unless it is something intensely private about myself, I usually open up a little more, as that then means that she will remember that she is a human, after all.

It seems to have worked so far.

"...You know how Seo likes to draw doujinshi for fun, correct?" I avert my gaze from her. If I look at her, I might not be able to say it.

"Yes. You have mentioned Akira-san's capabilities in drawing once or twice before, Akiha-sama." Kohaku nods in confirmation.

I sigh and take a breath. Throwing caution to the wind, I inform her.

"Last night after she left, I found she had forgotten one that she was drawing. It turned out to be what I think is a slightly fictionalized version of her, kissing a barely fictionalized version of me." I swallow slightly, and then look at her once more.

Kohaku blinks for a moment. Her smile fades. It seems she is stunned by this too. "You mean... a... yuri* doujinshi?" She seems stunned.

"I... am not sure if that is what it is or not... I dared not look past that page. But I saw enough to know that I should not allow Seo to continue on like that. I mean, I could very well sue her since the girl looks so much like me, the only difference really being manner of dress and the lack of a hairband." It looked far too much like me for it to be anything but me — there is no mistaking it.

"Ah, but what will suing Akira-san do, Akiha-sama? You know she almost never produces more than a handful of copies of her doujinshi. Most of them only go to her closest friends anyway, such as you and Hanei-san and Souka-san." She carefully begins to fry up some breakfast sausage and bacon.

"That... is true," I admit. "But it still makes me feel uneasy. I have no interest in girls that way, Kohaku. A girl cannot be my romantic partner." As if on cue, my stomach seems to roll slightly.

Kohaku giggles a bit, for some reason. I look towards her and blink, confused. "...Kohaku...?" I ask.

"A girl **_CANNOT_** be, or a girl simply hasn't tried to be? There is no physical impossibility that says a girl cannot love another girl, Akiha-sama. You know that." A little bit of a sly smile crosses her lips as she flips the meat in the pan, making it crackle with nascent life.

"Well... yes..." I concede. "But it is still impossible to have children. Girls lack the... ah... necessary parts..." I find myself flustering at thinking of it.

Because the image of Nii-san screamed into my consciousness as soon as I formulated the idea in my mind. Specifically... about a very necessary part, indeed...

It is strange. Nii-san... why do I feel that way about him, really?

Certainly, I know my reasons for saving his life. He protected me. He saved me from "him." I loved him, as a child would love a sibling, back then. The boy who would take my hand and run until I could scarcely breathe, and laugh and play and run and jump until I could not stand upright anymore. Those were what mattered to me then. Not how to be proper, or how one deals with bickering, distant relatives who are sure their plan is the one that will keep the Tohno in a position of prestige. Nor did I ever care about things that walk the night, such as I do now.

Dangerous things, like Arcueid-san and Ciel-san.

Neither of them are the sorts of women one would cross and expect to live. Ciel-san has a hard enough time accepting even my existence, merely because of what our heritage is. But we are considered more "natural" than summoned devils, and for that reason — and that reason alone — the church begrudgingly accepts our existence as long as we do not stray from the norms of humanity. This is why even a creature such as Kishima Kouma lives — while he will unrepentantly kill any who attack him, he does not thirstily seek out and destroy innocent people.

And yet... an inversion is an inversion, pure and simple — and the moment they suspect I invert, will be the countdown to my last days on this planet... for even if I do slay them, Tohno Akiha would become a murderer.

In these cases, The Demon Hunter Organization would be hunting me down along with the church, and neither of them cares for civility in such circumstances. If I have inverted, then I am always going to invert, in both of their eyes; therefore, I am as much of a monster as "he" was. My life is equally as dangerous, equally as expendable, and equally as worthless as his.

Frankly... it is a miracle that I am not dead already. How they did not find out, I do not know, but some questions are best left unanswered, and this is absolutely one of them.

I honestly would not blame them if they did kill me — after all, I did give in to my inversion impulse, however slight. I did not kill my victims as "he" did, but I still drained them of blood. I did it under the ruse and guise of keeping Nii-san alive. Such a foolish idea. A foolish idea from a foolish girl, foolishly clinging onto a foolish hope that he could see her as more than his sister...

Nii-san needed me no longer. With "him" gone, Nii-san could have had his stolen lifeforce returned to him. All I had to do was will it to return, and it would have.

But... since I killed "him," Nii-san's lifeforce was now trapped inside me, and "his" soul came along with it, whispering suggestions and thoughts into my ear... suggestions and thoughts that I was ultimately powerless to ignore, in the heat of the passion from my murder. As a result, I was now the one plundering Nii-san's life, in some vain, foolish attempt to make him mine. Threats. Intimidation. Coercion. All for such a foolish thing... a thing that as deeply as I would desire it, seems simply not to be.

Were it not for the look in those bright, blue eyes that looked into mine, eyes so similar to mine, as he straddled me in the hallway of his school, his knife held firmly and tight, there could only have been two outcomes.

One, would be that the demon impersonating Tohno Akiha had proved she no longer was human by killing the thing she desired most, above all others.

Two, would be that Tohno Shiki would cease to exist in mental if not physical terms, and that Tohno Akiha would also have ceased to exist for good, her life gone and her body cooling one last time.

This time I notice Kohaku is about to shake me gently. I speak up before I do so.

"I know, Kohaku. I am "spacing out" as you put it?" I look at her, crossing my arms.

"Ah... Y-yes, Akiha-sama." She nods slightly, and withdraws her hand. "You have been out of it much more than usual lately. Are you... sure everything is alright?"

I sigh. "...No. I am not." I look away slightly. I do not want her to see the pain so clearly in my face as I speak. "Kohaku... a year ago... do you... ever feel regret for what happened?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her smile fade. "Regret...?"

"Yes, Kohaku. Surely you know what regret is, correct?"

"Well... yes, Akiha-sama, I do." Kohaku nods slowly. "And... yes, I feel regret over it."

Good. Then, I am not the only one having issues coming to terms with it. I breathe a slight sigh of relief. Then...

"Kohaku... what do you do to make yourself not think about it?" I lean back slightly against the counter, looking outside the windows of the kitchen, at the sky that's only beginning to gain a faint hint of sunlight. If she feels the way I do... then maybe she can also give me a hint as to how to deal with it...

"What do I do?" She blinks, not used to me being so forthright or honest perhaps. Or to me questioning her so. "Well... I think of the happier times, really. I think of seeing how you smiled as you talked to Shiki-san, and how happy you were when you knew he was coming home. But I turned that into jealousy because of some insane scheme..."

For the first time in a long time, Kohaku looks... depressed. A frown on a face such as hers makes even my heart break. She is certainly better than I am at dealing with her emotions. Which is rather ironic, when one remembers that a year ago, she essentially showed no emotion at all, regardless of how much she was suffering, or whatever she felt at the moment... it was always a cheerful smile.

No, it was not a cheerful smile. It was a twisted smile. One warped by the abuse she suffered on a daily basis for years on end, with me being none the wiser.

...A sickening image pops into my head of Kohaku, missing her arms and legs, merely a torso on a bed. "Don't worry, Akiha-sama!" she says as she tries to bend her torso into a sitting upright position. "As soon as the prosthetics get in, I'll trim the hedges just like you ordered."

I shiver involuntarily, and resist the urge to vomit, as well as immediately shake the image out of my head.

"I cannot ignore what I did, Akiha-sama, much as you cannot ignore what you did. I feel regret for bringing it to that point. But I look at Shiki-san, and am surprised how easily he was over it. A few days later, it was as if he'd simply stopped fussing over what he did, and just lived the next day as a brand new one." Kohaku nods with conviction.

...Well... her words do make sense, I suppose. After all... the past is the past and it is immutable to change. That is why it is the past. We cannot affect the past, no matter what... but... the future... that IS something we can affect and change.

"...A brand new day, eh..." I hold my elbow in the palm of my other hand as my fingers of my first hand find my chin and rub.

I suppose she does have a point. That seems to be Nii-san's attitude on life in general, honestly. Live every day as a new day, and do not regret the choices you made, because if you do, you will drive yourself insane...

...It makes sense.

Nii-san, perhaps more than anyone else, has more experience with death than most people ever will want. Not just due to him saving my life as "he" nearly ended mine, but also because of his eyes. Eyes that those who hunt Demons have. Eyes that could kill even what most would consider unkillable.

...And because of that, he does not view death as something to be feared. Instead, to him, it is a natural occurrence, and he carries no fear of whether his wounds will be fatal.

...Perhaps that instant is when Tohno Akiha stopped loving her brother as a brother, and began worshiping him as a hero. An idol. Someone to look up to, someone to aspire to be...

...Yes. That must be it. That must be when I fell in love with Nii-san. Because he willingly gave up his life so I could have mine. And because I gave up some of mine so that he would not have to lose his. And dealt with the ever-present chills in my body and the mind-blinding pain, and did it all just so I could see him return someday, see his smile, feel his precious warmth, hear his dulcet voice, and it would all light the furnace inside my body...

...Then, I would be alive again.

"...I think you make a good point, Kohaku. Perhaps we should follow Nii-san's example. The past is the past, and that cannot be changed. We may regret it the rest of our lives if we keep thinking like this, so perhaps we should just live for tomorrow, and forge newer, happier memories for us all."

Her depression lifts upon hearing my words, and I see her smile and bow slightly. "Yes, Akiha-sama. I think you're right."

I cannot help but smile myself. "Then it is settled. We will not dwell anymore on feeling guilty over a year ago. We will just focus on today and tomorrow, every day, for the rest of our lives."

Kohaku smiles happily, and resumes preparing breakfast.

"...Although I do still have to talk to you about two nights ago."

Kohaku fumbles the spatula.

* * *

In the end, the explanation for how that work got done turned out to be quite simple. Kohaku called it "Miracle Worker Formula Amber." She also showed me the tape in her bedroom to prove it, as it is the only television in the house. Scarcely an hour after she had come in and drugged me, I got out of bed, went to the table, and signed, signed, signed, far faster than I would have normally had I been depressed and angry over having to do it.

I watch as I sign papers like a woman possessed, my arms crossed and my eyes surely slightly wide as they take in the sight of me on the television.

"I am amazed I do not remember this at all, Kohaku. You could have taken advantage of me and I would have never known a thing." I watch incredulously as, like some sort of robot, I endlessly do my job. Sign. Stack. Sign. Stack. Sign. Stack.

"The old Kohaku might have, Akiha-sama," she replies, "but not this one. You always get moody when presented with such a large stack of papers, so I decided I would try this. Although, if you did not like it, I will not do it again."

I sigh. As appreciative as I am of that drug, it is not something I should take with regularity. Although I trust Kohaku with my life and my secrets, I cannot just blindly sign such papers. What if one of them were an execution request by one of our extended family's more, shall we say, "showy" members? The last thing I need to read in the paper is "Nakagaki Ryouji was arrested for murder after police found him skipping rope with the intestines of an unidentified male..."

Needless to say, such a situation could be dangerous, and the last thing I need to be fighting are legal lawsuits along with supernatural foes. As powerful as I am, even I have my limits, and I cannot possibly be everywhere at once.

"The drug will only be used for emergencies. I prefer to sign most of these papers in a conscious mind." I look at her as I state my second sentence, and make my tone firm and clear, so she knows it is an order.

Kohaku bows deeply, signaling her submissiveness. "I understand fully, Akiha-sama. Then I will make it only if you request it."

"Good," I say in reply. "Then that matter is settled, Kohaku." I look back towards the television. Sign. Stack. Sign. Stack. Sign. Stack.

Still... I must confess that I am impressed. It would not take much to drug a normal human, but even the small amount of demon blood inside me generally renders me more resistant to such drugging. The amount Kohaku had to prepare for me might have been enough to make a normal human appear as The Dead.

"...Thank you anyway, Kohaku."

"Eh?" She seems surprised. "...Thank you, Akiha-sama...? What do you mean...?"

"Yes. Thank you. You were trying to help me get my work done. So even if it is not the manner I generally would have approved in, you have my thanks. Although please do not repeat it without my consent."

She just nods and bows once more. "As you wish, Akiha-sama."

I walk over to the videocassette player and push the stop button, stopping the video. I have seen enough.

"Well then," I announce to her. "I shall be calling Seo now and inform her that she left her book over here."

Kohaku giggles for some reason. She tried to hold it in, but her rapidly shrugging shoulders betray her attempt to remain stoic.

"...What is so funny?" I cross my arms and look at her more deeply. At this, she cannot hold it in anymore, and bursts out into complete laughter.

It is making me angrier, certainly. Am I... being treated like a fool?ǃ Of course I would return it, it is Seo's, not mine, and I would expect Seo to return my things if I had left them at her place, as well! Since this is not mine, it is only natural that I return it! This is not a foolish action!

"Kohaku! Answer me!" It comes out loud and sharp.

"A-Akiha-sama," she manages to choke out, taking a moment to stifle the involuntary spasms. "May I speak freely for a moment?"

...Hm. A rare request from Kohaku. But whenever she asks it, it usually is very interesting to hear. And admittedly, I would like to hear this myself.

"...Alright," I say. "Permission granted." I stare her down, arms crossed and eyes narrowed, and await her words.

"Akiha-sama... let's just say you have a lot to learn about love and relationships." And with a smile and a bow, she walks out of her room.

...

...I...

...Am speechless.

What exactly does she mean by that?ǃ I know full well about love and relationships! They are a basic item of the human condition; every human who has ever lived has relationships of some kind!

But by the time I come to my senses to raise a complaint, Kohaku is long gone. I sigh in exasperation, and strike the desk in her room with my fist. I know she will be tending to the grounds, but the grounds are so large that playing "Find the Aproned Devil" would have far too little reward for a treasure hunt. And the guard dogs on the grounds will not hunt her down. If anything, they are more likely to hunt ME down than her, at that... who knows what she has done to them.

Perhaps now is a good time to call Seo. If nothing else, she will probably at least be happy to know I have found her book.

* * *

* Yuri - literally "Lily." In this context, it refers to the concept of any sort of girl romance doujinshi, not just sexual ones as Western manga fans have used this term for. The equivalent western term would be "Shoujo-ai" which in Japan nearly always denotes sexualized manga of a lolicon nature. Since this is Akiha and Japan, "Yuri" would be the correct word, and not "Shoujo-ai."

* * *

A servant. A friend. A confidant.  
Kohaku is all of these things to me, and more.  
But... relationship advisor? I can handle this on my own.

* * *

Next Week (8/1/10) - Chapter 9: "Drawn Together"


	9. Drawn Together

_**There now follows a brief note from the author.**_

Alright... I hadn't planned on doing this, but a few of the reviews that were left were unregistered, and, sadly, asked questions. As I could not reply to these people directly, I will answer them here. But please, if you are going to ask questions about the plot... register on here so I may reply, or post them up on Beast's Lair, please. I don't like to clutter my story with author dialogues and notes, if I can help it.

Anon: No, they have not, and even if they did it'd hardly change things; Akiha's hated SHIKI for far too long for her to just instantly forgive him.

JWM: Is it? You'll have to keep reading to find out. It might be, it might not be. And yes, Shiki and Kohaku are an official couple. I thought that was pretty clear; seems not...

And now, without further ado, Chapter 9.

* * *

Chapter 9: "Drawn Together"

* * *

I walk out into the sitting room, and pick up my phone. I know that Seo is back at her family's house for this weekend, and I have Seo's number memorized. It is quickly and efficiently dialed, and I put the receiver to my ear, listening to the slight chirping noise that tells me her phone is ringing.

Two rings later, Seo picks up. "Hello? Seo Residence, Seo Akira."

"It is me, Seo." I reply as I relax more fully in my chair.

"...T-Tohno-senpai!" She sounds slightly... hyper. "Ah, I, uh, I had a feeling you'd be calling!"

"You did, eh? Then what would I be calling about? Perhaps you know that too, Seo." Maybe she will blurt it out on accident...

"Ah... N-No I don't!" She laughs nervously. "It's not about ignoring you guys yesterday, was it? I'm sorry Tohno-senpai! But this was the latest issue of _Legendary Hero Tortola_ and it was the climax of the protagonist's fight with his arch-enemy, the Dark Reaper Al'Rashidi..."

"An interesting story, I am sure, Seo. But that is not why I called."

"Ah..." I can hear her sigh in relief. Her demeanor changes almost immediately. Perhaps she was not hyper, but nervous that I would be informing her that she would be punished on Monday for her behavior in my home. Without discussing the specifics, suffice to say that I can be VERY persuasive, to the point some underclassmen at Asagami jokingly voted me as "Torture Mistress."

I hope I met their expectations, but I have yet to see them again after giving them a piece of my mind.

"W-Well then! Why are you calling, Tohno-senpai?"

"You left a book here, Seo."

"...I-I did?ǃ H-Hang on a second!" I hear the phone be laid on some surface, and the faint sounds of Seo Akira tearing into the four or so bags of doujinshi she had bought yesterday. "Not that one... nope, not that... c'mon you stupid— OOF!" A thud. It seems she has fallen.

I sigh and shake my head, and begin to wonder if Kohaku can make a "Miracle Intelligence Formula Amber." I would happily shovel the pills into Seo's mouth daily. Perhaps even directly down her throat.

The sounds of Seo searching through bags resumes. A few moments later, she returns to the phone. "I have everything I bought yesterday, Tohno-senpai. Are you sure it's mine?"

"It is where your randoseru* was, Seo." The fact she still has that is, to me, a sign that perhaps she has not fully let go of her childhood yet.

...Silence. Did the line cut out?

"...Seo? Are you there?" There is still silence for several moments more.

"...Y-Yeah... uh... let me check, Tohno-senpai..."

Hmm. The fear has returned. This... is not good. It tells me my hunch just may be correct after all.

For both her sanity and mine... I hope it is not.

This search is more slow. More meticulous, careful. I can tell because I cannot hear a thing. Seo may be slightly rougher with doujinshi she has purchased, but the ones she produces herself, she may as well be writing on sheets of gold foil with India ink.

She returns a few more moments later. "T-Tohno-senpai..." She sounds very nervous and tense.

"Yes, Seo?" I cross my legs a little in my chair.

"...Did you, ah... did you take a peek inside...?" Her voice trails off as she speaks.

...It is indeed as I feared. This doujinshi, then, represents Seo's... romantic interest in me.

But... why me? Seo is slightly young, but she is not an unlikeable girl. Attractive. Pleasant. Cheerful. I can think many males would be interested in her, so why would she even think about something like this? Is she seeking some sort of Class S** relationship, or—

"T-Tohno-senpai? Are you there?" A highly nervous-sounding Seo Akira.

"Ah... yes, Seo. Sorry. I was distracted for a moment. Excuse me."

...Perhaps it is best if I tell a white lie. Seo is very clearly nervous of me finding out, and if I say yes, it is possible that she will call in sick tomorrow. While she cannot evade me forever, it is definitely best — for both of us — if I take care of this unsettling situation as soon as possible.

Yes. That is a good idea. I can confront her more directly tomorrow, when she will not be able to get away. That is my plan of action, then.

"No, Seo. I have not. Would you like me to? I can flip through it and—"

"NO!" The reply is quick and sharp. I must feign surprise.

"...Seo? Is there something in it I should not be reading?"

She laughs nervously. "Ah, no, that's not it. It's just... ah, well, you know how private I am with my doujinshi until they're done... eheheheheh..."

...Well, I do not think I will have to worry about her chest outgrowing mine. I am now quite convinced her head is nice and fat and so it shall remain.

"...I understand, Seo. Well, it is here if you wish to pick it up. Otherwise, I will return it to you tomorrow."

"R-Right! I'll be over in about a half an hour, Tohno-senpai!" Before I reply, the sharp rattle of a phone slamming onto the receiver offends my ear.

I sigh, and set the receiver back down upon its hook, gazing at the doujinshi. Such a plain and unassuming cover. There is a barely-noticeable drawing of a river and a tree — a rough, light sketch for when she will finish it. Japanese Maple, from the look of it. It will be quite pretty when it is fully drawn.

I thumb through the pages to ensure this is, indeed, the right one. Yes. There is Seo and myself, kissing, a tree nearby and the river, meandering in the distance. I shiver involuntarily and re-close the book, carefully smoothing it out so there is no sign I had opened it in the first place.

...Could it be Seo herself is uncomfortable with the idea of liking females romantically? It is certainly a possibility. As far as I know, Seo has not had a serious relationship yet, and I am quite certain that she has not had a sexual one, although Nii-san worried me briefly that he might have taken a fancy to her despite being three years her senior. She is, after all, still really a girl and not quite an adult yet, although she is fairly mature in some ways for her age... but not in others.

...Then again, I suppose it is only a natural reaction for a girl her age to be very nervous and unsure of love. After all, she likely does not have very much experience... she may not even have kissed a boy in a romantic way yet. But Seo is a pretty girl, and I am sure that in a year or two she would have no such trouble finding someone.

...But... if it is females she is interested in... then I cannot fulfill that space. I do not share that view on women. I do not think it is wrong; after all, it would be hypocritical of me to say what she could and could not love while I am the one who views Nii-san in such a role for me, even though he is not my brother by blood. I still accept him as my brother, regardless, and I still call him Nii-san... I just cannot see him any other way.

So, it is ludicrous for me to tell Seo she should not pursue women, if that is what truly interests her. But I will certainly have to tell her that woman cannot be me.

* * *

Twenty-five minutes later, there is the sound of the gate opening, and small, light footsteps running. I get up and head to the front door. As the footsteps come closer, I open the door up.

"TOHNO-SENP—"

...I feel something thump firmly and solidly into my chest. I look down at it.

It is the face of Seo Akira.

It takes a second for her mind to process what has happened, but she is not Hanei. With a muffled cry of surprise, she removes her face from my body. "I, I'M SORRY TOHNO-SENPAI! Please forgive me!" She sniffs hard, as if holding back tears from my imminent punishment.

I re-straighten my blouse out. Well, to be fair, I had opened the door up, expecting she would stop and knock like most people would. This was partially my mistake, so I should not fully blame Seo for it.

"...It was an accident, Seo. But please be more mindful of what you are doing next time." I say the words with a bit of a firm tone in my voice, so I am sure she will get the message.

"Y-Yes! Of course, Tohno-senpai!" She nods and quickly bows so deeply that if she had bowed any deeper, she would perhaps be exposing her backside. I admire her attempting to rapidly defuse the situation. It is perhaps a bit TOO rapid, but I admire her attempts to prevent me from dragging her off and trimming some of that fat from her head.

I hold up the doujinshi. "Is this the one you were looking for?" Her eyes widen like she had died and just found out that in the afterlife exists every doujinshi that was ever made.

"YES! Please give it back, Tohno-senpai!" Her hands even move up from her sides slightly. She definitely wants it... to keep her secret safe...

Well... you may think it is safe, but I know the game you are playing, Seo. And tomorrow, I shall have you trapped.

I hold it out to her. She quickly takes it, like a mother who had lost her child and had just found them. She even cradles it like it were such.

"Oh, thank goodness I found you. I don't know what I would've done if I'd lost you..." Her cheek rubs the cover slightly.

...Perhaps Seo will make a good mother someday. Although I know full well the reason why she is glad. She believes I have not read it. She believes I do not know she has a romantic interest in me.

I would not know how difficult this would be for her. The only real experience I have with attempting to court someone I love was with Nii-san, but that did not work out as I had planned. Nii-san did not reject my love completely; his love simply cannot be of the romantic kind, is all. It is disappointing to me, but I understand his decision, and I shall still love him regardless.

For after all... is that not what family does?

"...Seo. It is not a child. You should stop holding onto it like it were." I chide her slightly.

"...Ah. You're right, Tohno-senpai. Sorry." She carefully puts it in her randoseru, securing it afterward. "Thank you for finding it, though." She smiles happily.

I do so as well. "It is nothing at all, Seo. I simply trust you would do the same for me had I left any of my possessions at your house. Would you care for a drink or breakfast? I can ask Kohaku to prepare something."

"Ah, no, I don't want to be that sort of trouble. Truth be told, I'm still kinda stuffed from last night." She laughs. She must have thoroughly enjoyed Kohaku's cooking, then. Seo has a very fast metabolism. It seems no matter what kind of sweets or utterly bad foods she eats, she never gains excess weight.

Perhaps it is because all the fat from it goes to her head. I am not certain. It is certainly not to her chest.

"I'd better get going." She smiles. "Thanks again, Tohno-senpai! See you at class tomorrow, okay?" With a turn and a wave, she runs back off, towards the bike that she has parked just inside of our gates. I see Kohaku waiting on her.

"Take care, Seo." I close the door, and sigh deeply. Well, tomorrow, I shall definitely confront her on—

...Blood.

The odor of blood lingers in the air. I, more than just about anyone, know that odor. The sharp, pungent odor of iron.

But, I know I am not bleeding. It would have appeared on my blouse by now, and the face of a person is hardly strong enough to pierce a chest. Bruise, perhaps, but certainly not pierce. And I know it was not there before Seo arrived.

Then, the blood must be Seo's. But a quick visual inspection reveals that there is none on the floor.

So, there can only be two sources of that blood.

One, Seo is having her... how shall I put this... her cycle. But Seo would certainly not be wearing a skirt if that were the case, I would think. And she DEFINITELY would not be riding a bike. So it is very likely that this is not the cause, and I am not exactly apt to ask her to hike up her skirt and especially not to remove her underwear for proof.

Two, Seo is stifling a nosebleed. Which is fully possible. She did sniff quite hard, coincidentally or not, right after running face-first into my chest. She did not smack into me with enough force to break her nose, and if she had, she would not have been able to hide the nosebleed, nor aspirate it down to her throat. But it was certainly hard enough to have caused a nosebleed from the blunt force trauma.

Hmm... well, that will be about as close as she ever gets to that, if that is her aim. If she tries it more deliberately, I will break all of her fingers.

I hear the gates close. As I look out a window, my eyes catch the fleeting form of Seo Akira pedaling away from the gate. And soon enough, the walls hide it.

I sit back down in my chair with a sigh, and close my eyes as I think things over.

...If she really does love me in that manner... then I need to ensure that my thoughts on it are communicated to her very directly and truthfully. I need to clearly state my opinion on the issue, and more importantly, I need to make it absolutely, crystal clear that while she may desire that relationship, that it is unacceptable. Even if I were younger, such as Seo's age, I would not like such a relationship personally... and even if I were, now I am too old for such a Class S relationship, and Seo is nearly at that stage herself, at any rate.

Why would she choose me, of all people? I have given Seo quite a few punishments from time to time... but yet, never anything excessively cruel or vicious, as I do like her as a friend, and could not bring myself to truly cause grief or harm on her... well, permanently so, anyway... so she should really have no reason to choose me like that, to be such a subject in her books.

...But yet... the fact that of all people, she chose me... is... kind of... flattering.

It is flattering, yes, but it does not make it any less uncomfortable for me. If I did like women in that way, my view may very well be different, but that is not going to change. The only person whom I wish to love that way is Nii-san. Nobody else... would be right for me. They could not understand... they could not know the significance of the bond that Nii-san and I share.

The bond of a sibling willing to die for the other. As he did for me. And... as I would do for him...

The door opens, and then closes. Kohaku is walking back inside. "Ah, Akiha-sama. Please forgive me for waiting on Akira-san."

"It is not a problem at all, Kohaku," I reply as I reopen my eyes. "The fact that it meant I would have to wait a few more minutes for lunch is hardly something worth being upset for."

"Shall I go back to preparing lunch, then, Akiha-sama?" Kohaku straightens out her kimono slightly.

"Please," I say with a nod. "It is possible Seo might not be hungry, but I am."

"Of course, Akiha-sama. Please excuse me, then." Kohaku bows deeply, and then walks towards the kitchen. "Ah, yes... by the way, Akiha-sama..."

"...Hm? Yes, Kohaku?" I ask her as I sip my well-cooled tea.

"It probably would be wise for you to take a nap for a few hours after lunch, Akiha-sama. You should ensure you get some sleep now so that if you cannot sleep during night, that you are not as tired as you would be otherwise." She smiles slightly as she says it.

"...That is a wise idea, Kohaku. Thank you for your concern." I reply with a slight smile. She nods in acknowledgment, and walks towards the kitchen as I set my tea down.

Well... truth be told, I probably could use a little more sleep as of late. I have felt somewhat lethargic while waking up in the mornings as of late.

That is probably because, well... I have dreaded this month ever since it began. I used to like the month of October, but... after the events of last year... this year it just seems more... ominous. It is difficult to describe exactly.

It also does not help that as of late I have been having increasing amounts of nightmares. Nightmares of "him." Nightmares of a year ago. They have made my sleep more difficult, and more than once I have bolted upright in my bed, gasping for air, with my hair sticking to my face, and cold sweat on my brow and neck.

So... truth be told... Kohaku is right. I have not been sleeping as soundly as I usually do.

I have been trying to keep myself as stress-free as possible. That seems to help out somewhat with the dreams, but over the last month or so, they have grown in duration and intensity. I am not sure what it means, but I am definitely not liking it. But as much as I would like to, I cannot avoid my duties as head of the Tohno, or anything else required of me. No matter what I do, any stress-relieving measures are but temporary, and I cannot enact more permanent ones, so inevitably, I go to bed stressed at night, have a nightmare, and then am unable to sleep for the remainder of the night. It has begun to affect my grades, a fact I do not appreciate in the slightest.

...Then, an afternoon nap will serve nicely in case I cannot sleep at night. It is a bit unusual, and I do not like to sleep during the day, but I suppose it cannot be helped.

Yes. That is a wise plan. Then, after lunch, I will take a short nap. The amount of paperwork that has arrived since Saturday is rather small, and should not take much more than an hour or two to finish. And naps are rare treats for me, so I should cherish them while I can.

I finish my tea, and then head into the dining room for lunch.

* * *

* Randoseru - Your typical Japanese schoolbag, used for the first six years of Elementary School. Properly-maintained randoseru can last well into adulthood. The fact Seo Akira still carries her around is a testament to her generally carefree and whimsical nature, and may show she's still slightly childish.

** Class S - Essentially a type of relationship between two school-aged girls, oftentimes between an upperclassman and an underclassman, that has strong emotional bonds. It is a genre of girls' fiction in Japan, as well, an example being "Maria-sama ga Miteru."

* * *

...Seo's behavior is definitely suspicious.  
She was even more intensely private than normal.  
Something... does not add up...

* * *

Next Week (8/8/10) - Chapter 10: "What's love got to do with it?"


	10. What's love got to do with it?

Chapter 10: "What's love got to do with it?"

* * *

Several hours and a good nap later, I re-awaken and prepare things for tomorrow. I lay out my school uniform, ensure all of my papers, textbooks, and necessary things are inside of my bag, and begin studying my notes and texts, ensuring that I have memorized what I need to know as much as possible.

I have studied for perhaps an hour when a knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. "Akiha-sama, dinner is ready. Are you going to eat now?"

As if on cue, my stomach rudely growls. It sounds quite greedy today. To be fair, I have been ignoring it somewhat as of late. Perhaps it was spoiled by last night's Au Gratin dish.

"...Yes. I will be out shortly, Kohaku."

"Very well, Akiha-sama. I will set the table." Her gentle footsteps walk off towards the dining hall.

I set my pen and papers down and sigh a little bit, stretching hard and feeling the whole of my being tense and then melt. It is a pleasant feeling when one has been in a chair for some time. I neatly stack my papers and close my textbook before standing up and heading to the dining hall.

Kohaku is there, serving my plate. "Ah, perfect timing, Akiha-sama. I was just dishing this out as you can see."

I take my seat, and wait until Kohaku returns to her chair after dishing her own meal out. "Well then. Itadakimasu!" And with that, I begin to eat my fill. After yesterday's Western-styled dish, today's more traditional Japanese cuisine is a welcome return to stability.

Stability has perhaps been a factor in my life that has been lacking since a year ago, with Nii-san helping both Ciel-san and Arcueid-san. Truth be told, I still do not approve of his sojourns, but Nii-san is more or less a grown man now. Never once has he failed to return home. He may be quite badly injured, but they are never life-threatening. If anything, it gives me precious time with him. To take care of him. To attend to him. To smile for him. To make him feel comfortable.

I may not be his wife, nor his lover, but I am still his sister. And this, I will always be, to my death and beyond.

Perhaps I feel I owe an eternal debt to Nii-san, one that I could never repay no matter how hard I tried, even if I gave him my very body and soul. Perhaps that is why I love him so...

I hear a giggle from across the table. I look up slightly. "Akiha-sama, your stomach seems to be interested in food, but your mind isn't. You're thinking about Shiki-san, aren't you?"

Ah... she is observant.

"...I am. But how did you know?" I lift my glass to my lips and drink. Iced tea, today, but it goes well with this dish.

Kohaku giggles once more. "Because your face looked much like Akira-san's face as she walked back towards me."

Eh...?

"W, What do you mean, Kohaku?" I find myself taking another sip of my drink, as my throat has suddenly felt tight and somewhat dry.

"Well, let's see... rosy cheeks, staring into space... you licked your lips slightly, even." Her lips begin to curl slightly in the corners of her mouth.

"I, I did not!" I cross my arms in defiance. This just makes Kohaku laugh. It drowns me out as if it were a chorus of jeers. A few moments later, Kohaku has regained her breathing, and speaks.

"Akiha-sama, you are a very intelligent young woman, as Makihisa-sama wanted. But you cannot learn all about life just from books. For some things, there are no manuals. Love is one of them." Her smile simply widens even more.

"D-Don't be silly, Kohaku! I know full well about love!" I feel the blood pulsating in my cheeks.

"Oh?" She props her elbows on the table and rests her chin on one of her closed fists, her other gesturing slightly with her chopsticks. "Then tell me, Akiha-sama. What is love?" She draws out a heart with the points.

Such rude and forthright behavior, especially when it is coming from a mere servant... well, Kohaku is not technically my servant anymore, but she insists on continuing to fulfill these roles on the weekends, at least. So, although to most it would seem like a typical servile relationship, I view Kohaku more as a honored guest who happens to indulge me selflessly.

On these grounds, then, I shall answer her.

"It is when a man and a woman feel a mutual attraction to each other. They become a couple, and show their affection and love in various ways." I try to focus on calming myself down. A question like this is nothing to be embarrassed about, so why am I...?ǃ

"Like what, Akiha-sama?" She scoops up some rice with her chopsticks and puts it into her mouth.

Ergh. She is pressing me. But that is okay, I know the answers.

"Well, ah, they hug each other. And kiss. And hold hands. And..."

...I am drawing a blank. This is not good.

"And?" Kohaku gives a slight grin. A grin that signifies victory. No, I will not give in that easily!

"...And... ah... dating at movies and restaurants and such!" Ha! That will show you, Thieving Cat!

"Good, good... now, what else?" Her grin widens.

Gah! I clench my teeth. This is not going to plan. I desperately wrack my brain, trying to think of what else...

"Would you like an answer, Akiha-sama?" Her eyes narrow slightly as her smile curls even more. Her expression is absolutely like that of a cat.

I sigh. I... honestly cannot think of anything else. "...Fine. But this does not mean I'm an imbecile about it, you know!" I cross my arms and look at her sharply.

Kohaku giggles. "Don't worry, Akiha-sama. You've never experienced this sort of love in your life, so I don't think you'd know about it."

"Well then, speak of it, Miss Expert." I try to imagine my gaze alone piercing through her, but Kohaku cheerfully ignores it.

She gives a grin of victory. "It's simple, Akiha-sama. Sex!"

S...Sex?ǃ

"Th, That's not something a couple does! That is something that is done to consummate marriage!"

There is a **THUD** as Kohaku completely loses it, falling off of her chair. Her laughter echoes throughout the otherwise empty dining hall.

"Wh, What did I say that's so funnyǃ? That's the truth! The, ah, the husband will deflower the bride on their wedding night..."

I blush a bit at the thought. Well... I mean, I certainly know enough to know about **THAT**. The male, well... puts himself inside the female. And it creates a child. That is what the books all said, anyway.

But, truth be told... I do not truly know. As Nii-san was not interested in that sort of relationship, I suppose I might be untouched in that way until I find a replacement husband more suitable. But still...

...I really only want it to be Nii-san.

That strange heat fills my cheeks and stomach once more. The last time I felt my cheeks and stomach getting this hot... it was nearly a year ago. Not too long after we had battled nearly to an arguably mutual death a year ago, I noticed that the amount of bandages that Nii-san had was getting low in his bathroom, and I had the misfortune to replace them as he was drying off after showering, and, well... I saw "it."

I had never felt the blood rush from my head to my cheeks as fast, before or since. It was all I could do to not faint.

Of course, I quickly apologized, left the bandages on the nearest counter, and excused myself with utmost rapidity, but still, I could not help but think about the fact I had seen it...

But the strangest thing of all, was I kept thinking about it... both the incident, as well as what I saw. And I kept wishing that he would change his mind, that he would say yes.

I wanted to be Nii-san's wife... maybe not publicly, but privately, it was my deepest and greatest desire. It would be but a simple matter to pay some other male to be my public husband, but privately... my bed, my love, my life, my blood, and my body would be for Nii-san and Nii-san alone. For Nii-san, I would do almost anything. Even "that."

But it seems it is not to be. Nii-san seems to love Kohaku more than he will love me, and I must resignedly accept it, even though some of me screams to kill her and he will be mine. But that is "him" trying to speak to me, and I am stronger than "he" ever was, and in time, those voices will fade to whispers, and then to nothingness. Then "he" will truly be no more. As he belongs. For that voice is just a demon, pretending to be someone whom I also loved and lost nine years ago...

I notice Kohaku staggering up from the floor, still laughing slightly and holding her ribs.

"Well, I hope it was truly amusing to you, Kohaku!" I cross my arms and look away. I am truly mad at her right now. She is treating me like some naive fool. I am not Hanei! Of course I knew that, I just didn't remember it!

"Akiha-sama," she manages to say. "Do not be embarrassed by that. As I said, it's only natural you do not know. You are still a virgin. But the truth of the matter is, very few people nowadays are virgins on their wedding nights."

"Yes, well... I shall be, until I find a husband. As Nii-san loves you, I must find another." I close my eyes slightly and look away from her.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I see that she frowns slightly. I think sometimes she does think that she "stole" Nii-san from me. Well, good, she should. Thief cat...

With a slight sigh and a smile, Kohaku's expression returns to her usual kind demeanor. "Akiha-sama. Do you know what they say about love? One cannot help whom you fall in love with, and that it is pointless to fight it."

...That is true. I said that myself, at that.

"So, much as you have fallen for Shiki-san and desire him the most, perhaps Akira-san has fallen for you in the same way," she says rather coolly.

"But I am a female as she is, Kohaku! I cannot... love her that way! Two girls cannot... you know..." I fluster at the thought of finishing my thought.

"Have sex?" She giggles evilly. I shiver at the sound of it.

"Well... y-yes. I do not have that particular anatomy. And from Akira's gym outfit, she does not seem to have it either. I, ah, would've... noticed... the deformation... there..."

Kohaku falls off of her chair. Her laughter echoes throughout the hall once more.

I sigh, frustrated. This... is getting me absolutely nowhere.

* * *

Mercifully, perhaps, Kohaku packs up her things after dinner is finished and the plates are cleaned. It is still strange to see her in such plain clothing such as T-shirts and jeans. But then again, who am I to tell her what clothes she is to wear? She is no longer technically in my employ, so if the other branch of our family allows her to do such things, I have no true say in it.

"Well, Akiha-sama. Farewell for now." She smiles warmly. "I shall see you again Friday night. If Shiki-san returns during that time, please give him my regards."

"Of course, Kohaku." I smile. "I am sure he will manage the pain a little better knowing that. He is fairly likely to return home during that time, so I shall pass along your message."

With a final deep bow, she collects her bag an exits out the door, walking towards the waiting taxi that will bring her back to her "usual" job. Much like with Seo earlier, I watch it until it is out of sight, and then I close the door.

...Love, huh. I take a deep breath and then sigh.

Well, it is only natural that Seo is finding things she wishes to love and hold dear to her. A girl her age is certainly capable of feeling such emotions, and knowing them, but perhaps not knowing how to express them. It would be foolish, after all, to think that Seo is still so young that she does not have ideas about romance, or wants or desires of such things.

...After all, I knew I loved Nii-san and wanted to be his companion ever since I was eight. Obviously, I did not know the romantic or sexual aspects of such a relationship then, but... I knew that I wanted to be by his side from that day, every day, until the day one of us died, and I knew the other would likely follow shortly no matter what.

I wanted to wake up, to see his face every day. And, like an innocent little girl, I occasionally daydreamed about kissing him on the cheek every morning.

I sigh once more, with a slight sense of nostalgia this time, as I walk back to my chair in the sitting room, and think about this more intently.

Seo is trying to find an outlet for that which she cannot express in the way she desires. She probably knows I would reject her if she asked me that, but on paper, in a world which she can create and change to her whim, I would not say any such thing.

Indeed, in such a world, perhaps I would be the one desiring her, in secret. I would not put such a thought behind Seo. She may appear very cute and innocent, but the girl knows more than what her mere look lets on. I have known her too long to be fooled by such cute exteriors.

...Then again, Seo, Souka, and Hanei are roommates and friends. Friends, yes, but not close friends. We enjoy each other's company, but... I do not think any of them would be **THAT** close to me.

Souka is far too inelegant, unladylike. Otou-sama would have never let her in the house. Perhaps not even if she were wearing her school outfit, as even with that on, Souka looks very similar to a boy. If her chest were bigger, this might not be a problem, but if Souka gets a bigger chest than me, there will be no justice in this world whatsoever. It would take a very brave sort to want someone like Souka, but it is not like she is unlikeable. She simply has different ideas on what being a woman is about than most; a brave, new idea of expressing herself in nontraditional ways. I could see her gaining a few admirers as a result of her straightforward, honest self, for with Souka, there are no false fronts — what you see is what you get. It seems to be a credo she personally lives by.

Hanei is the exact opposite problem. While she is quite ladylike and classy, her problem is that she does not fully understand various things. You could tell Hanei that the green tea she is drinking is the finest blend of Gyokuro money can buy, and she will not know the difference from that and a can of green tea one would purchase from a vending machine. In other words, Hanei is more of a blind follower — a fatal flaw for one trying to be a lady, at least, one without a male to take charge and allow her to be more of a supportive role. Regardless, with the right person at her side, Hanei could be very elegant, graceful, and ladylike, and with plenty of good looks and natural feminine charm to back it up, and whomever she would be at the side of would find her loyalty is second to none.

Seo could potentially play the part, but her stock is working-class stock, not elegance. Still, Seo's father is a rather famous brewer. His drinks have won plenty of awards in both Misaki and elsewhere in Japan. I will confess to having had some of them, and they are indeed potent. There is little wonder why despite her small body, Seo could drink each and every one of us under the table, even myself. Obviously, she is still rather young to be thinking about things like her distant future, but she will be confronting that sooner rather than later. Her cheerful personality is sure to get some notice from people... I just hope that whatever happens to her, she picks someone very carefully and wisely. Love is not something you randomly experiment with... you find one that you want, and you take it. Or they'll be gone...

...I sense a presence standing there, quiet and still. I open my eyes. Something brown and white enters my field of vision.

Hisui.

"Yes, Hisui?" I look up at her face.

"Akiha-sama, is everything alright?" As usual, her hands are clasped in front of her, and she is waiting politely.

"It is fine, Hisui. Why do you ask?" I nod slightly, an indication that I have received her formality. She bows slightly, and takes a more natural standing pose.

"Well, usually you only sit in that chair at this time of night when you are drinking or deep in thought. As I have not seen any drink, I was a bit worried you were obsessing, Akiha-sama." Her face gives a subtle hint of worry.

"...Hisui. How would you react to finding out someone is in love with you?" I throw the question out, just to gauge her reaction.

"Eh?" She blinks and puts her hand up to her chest for a moment. She is no doubt surprised by the sudden question.

"Let us say that a friend of yours turned out to be in love with you. How would you respond to that?" Now, to test her reply.

"Ah... well... I... don't know, Akiha-sama. I've never been in that situation before." ...As expected.

"...Mmm. I see." That got me nowhere, sadly.

"...If I may ask, Akiha-sama, why did you ask me that?" Her eyes blink, showing that her mind is attempting to reach a logical conclusion.

I sigh. Kohaku might be knowledgeable in these things, but Hisui? Probably not... "It is nothing of real importance, Hisui. Just an odd thought going through my head. Could you please prepare the bath?"

Hisui bows gracefully and elegantly. "Of course, Akiha-sama. Please excuse me then." Her footsteps walk off. They are not as elegant as Kohaku's, but they were always more involved in her work, somehow.

I resume my thoughts over this situation. If Seo is truly in love with me, despite both being female, then...

...Then what...?

How do two females even love each other in that manner? None of the books I read ever elaborated on such a thing. I mean, certainly two females could still hug and kiss and hold hands and see movies together.

But... if it came to sex... how? It is just not possible, is it? Not unless one of them somehow gains male organs...

Certainly that option exists for those with the money. But Seo's father would likely not want to have a son all of a sudden. And I know for a fact I am _**NOT**_ going to attach such a grotesque thing to my body. The money would be better spent on increasing my breasts.

...Perhaps female-female love is purely of a platonic and lightly emotional kind, similar to a Class S relationship but a bit more involved? That is still fully within the realms of possibility. A year ago, while "he" had more control of my mind than I did, as I drank Kohaku's blood from her breast, a sudden impulse lashed over me to lick and taste her nipple for some inexplicable reason, perhaps due to "him." Such an action made Kohaku shiver. Obviously, a woman could still do these things to another...

Furthermore, it is not **PHYSICALLY** impossible for one girl to kiss another, of course. Kohaku did that to me a few days ago. And then she pushed drugs down my throat. Drugs that let me work, albeit without remembering a thing.

...Well, maybe if that is the sort of thing she wants, to feel closer to someone, I can do that. But I draw the line at kissing and such things. Those sorts of things are not things one does with friends. One spends time with them, yes, but one does not kiss them like in the manner Seo drew. At the most, a simple kiss on the cheek, is the extent of a kiss one gives to friends.

...Ah, but wait. Commitment is important for love, too, is it not? Commitment is something I would perhaps be seriously lacking in.

Not by choice. I am simply a very busy woman. I am attaining an education, pursuing hobbies, and dealing with all of the grievances and issues of all of our extended bloodlines. In addition to keeping this area more or less safe, and being called upon now and then to help exterminate bigger, larger threats that Arcueid-san and Ciel-san cannot take upon alone.

Seo, in contrast, is able to live a far more carefree life. I would not be surprised if her days consisted of going to school and drawing doujinshi, with the only necessary breaks being for things such as sleeping, eating, and so on.

...How I envy such a simple life.

Even if, hypothetically, I were interested, I would not have very much time to devote to her. And there is always the slim chance that one day, I will not return home, having been felled attempting to protect people like her from far greater dangers. Or worse... that I somehow inverted again. Nii-san would be the last person I would want to turn on, but Seo, Souka, and Hanei would be second last.

I sigh. The life of Tohno Akiha is not an easy one to balance. It never has been, and at times it seems like just when it cannot get any more difficult, it does. Seo's doujinshi just increased the load further, as now I have to try to figure out an answer to a question when in truth I do not even know the answer myself...

"Akiha-sama, the bath is prepared." Hisui's voice echoes down the otherwise empty hallways.

"...Thank you, Hisui," I call back. I get up from the chair, scratch an itch on my right forearm, and head for the bathroom.

* * *

...Love? Feh, who cares about that?  
It is not like I have use for it, anyway.  
I have bigger things to deal with.

* * *

Next Week (8/15/10) - Chapter 11: "Memories of Red"


	11. Memories of Red

Chapter 11: "Memories of Red"

* * *

I enter the bathroom. The bath is full of hot, steaming water. My towels, underwear, bra and nightgown are laid out where I expect they would be, and the scent of the bath oils that Hisui has put in relax my mind and my body a little even before I step into the tub, as I begin undressing.

Putting my worn clothes into a neat pile, I place my hands on my hips as I examine my nude body in the mirror. The bruise on my lower right side from the last major scuffle I had against a Dead Apostle, approximately three weeks ago, has faded nearly completely, leaving only some slightly unsightly yellowish-green discoloration as the trapped blood is broken down. Seo running into my chest earlier left a small but notable bruise that should be gone in a day or two.

...The hair under my armpits are growing in, and on my pubic region it is considerably thicker than I would like it to be. I bend over a little as I allow my hands to rub and feel my legs, and I can detect smaller hairs growing in as well.

Perhaps now is as good a time as any to groom myself, before I enter the bath and will no longer desire to do so. I collect my razor and small trimming scissors from the drawer built into the sink, collect the can of shaving cream from underneath them, put down the lid of the toilet seat, sit down on it, and carefully get to work.

Approximately twenty minutes later, it is done. I managed to avoid any major cuts this time. Before, Kohaku would wordlessly do this, but such an act is... sort of selfish, I realized. We are both grown women of nearly the same age, her being slightly older than me, and it is not something I should depend on her for, as someday, she might not be here and I still may be.

Besides... even though I tolerated it... it did not make it any less embarrassing. I am very much unused to anyone seeing me without either my usual clothing, or my school outfit on. Even though Kohaku would quite often do these things for me, over the last year or two, I began to feel more self-conscious about it. This only increased when Nii-san walked in on me one day as I was changing. Fortunately, I was still dressed in a bra and some panties, but I felt blood race to my cheeks and threaten to make them burst.

I look myself over in the mirror once more. My armpits, now smooth. My pubic region, neatly and carefully trimmed. My legs, smooth, even though I usually wear my dress and so this is not as much of a factor. Still, sometimes, I do not wear it, and it is impractical to wear it if I am, say, visiting an indoor swimming pool. A dress is naturally inappropriate to wear in the water; a swimsuit would then be needed. And I think few men would find even a lady as pretty as I am very attractive if her legs look like those of a man.

Satisfied with my grooming, I put my tools away, and walk towards the still-steaming bath, carefully stepping in.

"Ahhhhh..."

I cannot help but let out such a noise and a sigh of pleasure as I enter and sink my body down into the water. The aroma of the oils begins to fill my nostrils, and I can feel the remnants of small bath salts settled on the floor of the tub pressing lightly into my flesh as deep heat begins to pour into my body, soaking into the very core of my being and my existence.

"Mmmmmm..." This slight moan of pleasure escapes my throat.

I truly enjoy soaks such as this.

I do not get to enjoy them particularly often, sadly. The only reason I am able to take one now is thanks to the drugs Kohaku had given me. Otherwise, it would be more like my normal routine, where I would have a fairly quick shower before working on my papers. Though, even then, as it is the weekend, if I really wanted to soak, I would likely just wait until after I did my paperwork before partaking in it. My body odor would not become magically unbearable just because I did not have a shower at 7 PM and wait until 9 PM to take a soak, after all; the worst that would happen is, perhaps, sweaty armpits from constant movement of my arms back and forth. Besides, I am basically the one who would have to tolerate it, and well, most people are used to their own body odors. I am no exception.

I lean back carefully and close my eyes, sighing, allowing all of my tension and worries to melt away, even if it is just for this brief moment. For now, all that matters is the hot water, massaging my muscles.

As well as the thump I hear.

"...?"

It was definitely a thump. From approximately the second floor.

"Hisui? Was that you?"

...Silence.

Great. Now I do not even get to enjoy my soak?

With a resigned sigh, I wrap myself in a towel, and then exit the bathroom, looking around carefully as I hold the towel closed over my nude form. It should only be me and Hisui, but I would still be embarrassed if Hisui caught me suddenly by surprise and I reflexively dropped my towel.

By now, it is completely night. No trace of daylight remains. The mansion is dimmed, but not completely dark; Hisui is merely following protocol.

I walk over to her room, next to Kohaku's, on the first floor, and I knock on her door. "Hisui?"

...There is no response.

I turn the handle. The door opens; Hisui's room is empty, in terms of people inside of it. She is not in here, then.

...Perhaps my room, then? It makes sense that Hisui would be preparing my room as I am soaking, come to think of it. I laugh slightly to myself as I begin climbing the stairs towards my room, in the east wing of the second floor.

Sure enough, my door is slightly ajar, and the lights are on. I walk inside, and see Hisui standing at the window, looking out at the night sky, perhaps thinking herself about the events of the last year.

"Hisui, you do not need to dwell on this as Kohaku and I do." I say it with a sigh.

There is no reply. She just stands there, silently, looking out the window... perhaps blaming herself for being an unwilling pawn in Kohaku's plans.

But, that is not something she should feel remorseful or guilty for. After all, it was not really Hisui's fault. None of that was.

Kohaku endured what she had to endure because she did not want Hisui to go through what she knew would happen. Kohaku took to becoming a doll so that Hisui may remain a human. Of course, at the time this all occurred. I did not know any of this. I did not know why Otou-sama kept Kohaku's room next to his. I just thought the girl was shy and submissive for the most part. Being only their age, myself, my thoughts were on anything but that; they were more like "It's too bad Kohaku-chan can't play; maybe tomorrow!"

...But... for Kohaku, there would never be any playing, and she would be happy if tomorrow simply never came.

By the time I realized what was happening, about three years ago when I was 14, I knew enough to know the difference between sex and rape. But by this time, Hisui had become cold and withdrawn, and Kohaku smiled a false smile and laughed a false laugh. I stopped Otou-sama from doing it by threatening to run away from home... and, truth be told, had he not stopped... I think I would have. I would not have wanted to live with such a man; he would have ceased to be human if he kept on doing it. Such a childish, impulsive reaction to such a serious topic, but I did not want to see Kohaku be abused in that way any longer. Mercifully, it worked, and he agreed... although it meant that two years later, Otou-sama would die.

...Sometimes, I am not sure how I feel about that. There are things about Otou-sama I love, and I do still love him on some level, I think, it is just...

I sigh and shake my head. I should not be dwelling on this, and neither should Hisui.

I walk over, turning her towards me gently. "Hisui, please do not—"

**THUMP.** She falls to the floor. Like she had been propped up.

I look down at her. Her eyes stare lifelessly into mine. Her skin, paler than the whitest paper. And in her neck, two large fang marks. Blood fails to flow from them. Her face is slightly ashen.

There is... no hope for Hisui. She is gone.

"...!"

This... is not good. As I try to think of who our enemies would be, who would be so bold and dare to assault my home, a familiar voice breaks the silence as it laughs, sadly.

"Why, Akiha? Why did you have to kill me?"

I grit my teeth immediately on instinct. That voice... is one that should not exist anymore, because I killed it with my hair. I drained all of its heat. Every single molecule.

And sure enough, it steps out of the dark corner of the room.

Like a bad memory, the demon who masquerades as Tohno SHIKI appears before my eyes, which I immediately narrow.

"Why, Akiha? I'm your brother. We can get along, you know, you just have to listen to—"

I waste no time. I immediately unleash that part of myself that is now fully under my control. Within moments, I can feel my nerves firing, my muscles tightening. My hair growing. Dark black is replaced with brilliant Crimson Red Vermilion.

And I look at him. That is all it takes. But he just slashes the air with a knife he has, sending reverberatory shock through my system. I click my tongue slightly and tighten my grip on my towel with my spare hand, staring him down with enmity and hatred.

"...Now that wasn't nice! I was just going to come and join you in the bath, Akiha. Like we always did as kids. But she would've warned you, so I had to stop her. She would've ruined the surprise."

"Just shut up and die, monster!" I glare at him, my hatred no doubt making itself known at the expression on my face. Few things anger me so much as this... this... **ABOMINATION!**

He looks at me, sadly for a moment. "Hey. Akiha. It doesn't have to end this way, you know. Just take me back. Take me back as your Nii-s—"

**NO!** That name will never be attached to this person! _**NEVER!**_

I roundhouse at his jaw about as hard as I can, and the solid **CRACK** and cry of pain from SHIKI inform me that I have hit. He goes down on the floor, and laughs, still a little sadly, but also a little more insanely.

"Well then, Akiha... I have no choice. You'll still be mine, though, don't worry. After I rip that demon out of you, I'll put your real self back in!" Saliva and blood from his mouth mix as he screams his words, splattering all over the place.

I glare at him angrily, red hair flowing in the wind. "It will take a lot more than that to kill me if that's your intent, monster!"

With a simple grin, he says "I know."

What's he supposed to mean by that? He can't reach me fr—

**PAIN.**

Sudden, sharp pain. In my chest. In my breast.

My eyes widen reflexively at the sudden shock. Incredulously, I look down...

...And see that a sword has somehow gotten there.

...Of course. From... his blood. That... spattered... when...

...Akiha, you idiot... you... forgot that...

...This wound... is fatal... without... Hisui...

He laughs. "There! See? It's easy when you're overconfident, dear sister. But don't you worry. Even after you die, I'll be taking good care of you. _Every. Last. Inch. Of. You._** _Inside. And. Out!_**"

Then, he spits at me. I am in too much pain and shock from being stabbed in the heart to dodge this. The bloody glob lands on my forehead. This... fills me with rage... or perhaps it is the burning sensation that is filling my body because of the fact that my heart has stopped pumping. Irregardless, I feel strength briefly return to my limbs. I must either act, and act now... or die like a helpless girl.

Tohno Akiha is dying. I know this. The wound through my heart is fatal, and pain surges through my body. I cough hard, choking up blood, and the brightest, most vibrant red I have ever seen in my life surges out of my nostrils and mouth, a red that would put my dress to shame. It is... pretty.

Regardless of what happens, this is Tohno Akiha's last stand. But I will not die without a fight. If I must die, then he will die too, forever. It will be the end of our cursed blood, and I will drag him to the same hell I am destined for. I will bring him there, personally, and we shall greet the devil together.

With a cry that surprises even myself, I throw off my towel, and lunge straight for him, exerting everything left in me into my hair, to roast him, to roast him alive...

But, it is no use. He simply grins, and plays his last card.

The last sensation I feel is of my brain being pierced, split, and cleaved. I feel blood and cerebrospinal fluid immediately gush from my head, nostrils, and mouth as my body stops responding. I make a strange gurgling noise. As I fall forward limply, everything begins to go black, and I faintly hear his voice.

"Now we are together... forever... Akiha..." It is the last images and sounds my split brain will process.

I am dead before my body settles on the floor.

* * *

With a sudden GASP, I bolt upright in the tub.

...A nightmare. Just a nightmare.

My brain recognizes this now, but my body fails to.

_**THUMP**-thu-**THUMP**-thu-**THUMP**-thu-**THUMP**-thu-**THUMP**-thu-**THUMP**._ The staccato rhythm of my surging heart. It feels like it is about to burst out of my chest, the only thing holding it in being my soul.

My stomach churns, threatening to vomit up the meal Kohaku had so deliciously prepared earlier. I feel it surge up. I taste the bile, the half-digested slurry. With a painful, forced swallow, and a little bit of willpower, I force it back down.

My breaths, coming in rapid, painful panting. Air refuses to stay in my lungs. I feel like I cannot get enough oxygen to think clearly.

My head is dizzy, faint. It feels like I had lost blood even though I have not. The world swims slightly. I have tunnel vision.

I lay back in the tub slightly, and begin to cry.

I cry, partially in relief, partially in bitterness. The relief part is simple enough. Tohno Akiha is still alive, after all. As is Hisui.

The bitterness part is because I was so blinded by rage, even in my nightmares, that I had forgot that his blood had that property. If this were real, then I would not even want to know what he would be doing to my body—

My stomach surges hard, and the bitter acidic tang of partially digested food flows onto the back of my tongue. My cheeks puff out, and I feel my neck strain as I attempt to keep vomit from overflowing into my mouth. I swallow hard in order to keep my dinner down. Calm yourself, Akiha! Breathe. _**Breathe.**_

Good.

Breathe.

Better.

Breathe.

...There.

I barely manage to keep my food down in my stomach. Had I been any weaker willed, I would have thrown up into the toilet by now, surely... or, more likely, onto the bathroom floor.

My stomach grumbles in bitterness at being forced to re-accept what it had tried to give away. Instinctively, my left hand rubs it, in some attempt to comfort it, as I catch my breath and wipe my tears with my right hand.

I cannot make that sort of mistake. A mistake like that is fatal. I allowed my rage to blind me. It may have been a mere nightmare, but to me, it is more of a wakeup call. A reminder that even with my abilities, if I am overconfident, or blind to the abilities of my opponent, that I can very easily die. Demon blood does not grant one the ability of resurrection... at least, as far as I know.

I have far too much to live for. I have to protect this city, my home. I have to protect people like Seo and Souka and Hanei from dangerous things that could end their lives very easily.

...I have to live for Nii-san. Even though if I died, I would give him a better life, I... do not wish to die. I want to live for him.

...For him? No. I want to live with him. Like we do now. Even though I do not like him going out at night, or some of the things he does such as sleeping in very late... I really just want him here, and ideally, happy. So even if I am not the one whom he sees as the one who can make him happy... as long as he is happy, then, I shall be happy as well.

Because... the reality is, Tohno Akiha lives for her Nii-san, Tohno Shiki. She exists because of him. Otherwise, nine years ago, she would have become a corpse, and who knows what would have become of our family, of our lineage...

A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. "Akiha-sama, are you alright?ǃ I heard some commotion..."

The reassuring voice of Hisui. I breathe a sigh of relief. Now I know she is okay, alive, and well. With this, I allow the last images of her deathly ashen face to leave my memory, ideally to return nevermore.

"...Yes. I am fine, Hisui. As you were." I try to keep my voice calm, for her sake, if not for my own.

"...Very well, Akiha-sama." I hear her presence quickly fade.

...Then again. Nightmares are nightmares because you are powerless, are they not? Even with my abilities, "he" had shoved me aside like I were a fly. When we fought for real a year ago, all he could do is run like a trapped fly, in my spider's web.

There was no doubt that when it came down to which demon was the superior one, Tohno Akiha was the victor. As to which one was more human... well, that was obvious nine years ago, when she lost one brother and gained another.

"He" does not exist anymore. I incinerated him completely. His spirit tried to possess me, but thanks to Nii-san and Kohaku, it failed. Now he is just suggestions... suggestions which I have the willpower to ignore.

And I will ignore them. He shall never win from beyond the grave, because I am stronger than he is. That is why I am alive and he is not. My mind was perhaps simply reminding me to not let my guard down, to keep my emotions in check.

Yes. That must be it. For when one gets overly emotional in a fight, common sense goes out the window, defenestrated like some drunkard at a bar. If common sense is gone, then one's mind will not be able to keep track of the flow of battle. If one does not keep track of the flow of battle, it is very possible for them to become overly aggressive or defensive... and if that occurs, it is entirely possible that they could commit a fatal mistake, as I had.

I know that I am not the most powerful person in Misaki... at least, in terms of abilities. Arcueid-san could, if she really wanted to, easily destroy me. All she would have to do is activate some of her most powerful abilities, and I would very likely die on the spot. From what Nii-san has said, the abilities Arcueid-san possesses are truly frightening things, able to slice whole legions of The Dead in twain just by looking at them.

Therefore, to compensate, I have committed myself to backing up my abilities with tactics. Rather than attempt to overpower my opponent, I attempt to out-think them. For while brute force can kill an opponent, so can a perfect strike — and while brute force takes a lot of energy to do, all it takes is a little bit of natural grace and elegance to finish off an opponent with a single, critical blow.

"...I get it now," I say to myself as I reopen my eyes, and settle my body back more fully in the tub. With my stomach settled, and my breathing and heart rate returning to normal, I resume my soak. I will not let such a nightmare destroy my enjoyment of this rare treat.

Nor will I allow it to destroy me.

* * *

...Those nightmares... they are happening more as of late.  
...This is not good. I am sure I killed "him," but...  
...It is not able to leave my mind so easily...

* * *

Next Week (8/22/10) - Chapter 12: "Badmoon Rising"


	12. Badmoon Rising

Chapter 12: "Badmoon Rising"

* * *

After finishing my soak, I dress in my nightgown, and walk, slightly tired, into my room, stretching hard when I get there. It is a little early for me to go to bed, but my mind is exhausted after that nightmare, and if I do not get some good sleep, I will be unable to function well in school tomorrow. I will not be able to confront Seo.

That nightmare, it was vicious. Even now, I still feel a little bit at ill-ease. My body has returned to a more or less normal state, but my mind is still seeing brief glimpses, flashbacks. Of my folly. Of his victory. Of all of the grim implications that both my death and "him" having my body would imply.

It would be a catastrophe, and something I no longer wish to think about. I have thought about it enough over the last hour and a half, until the bath water grew cold, and then the hot water tank ran out of hot water itself.

I pull away the blankets of my bed, and crawl inside carefully, covering myself up, moaning slightly from deep in the back of my throat as I feel my body heat begin to warm the trapped air. I take a look at my new wall-scroll painting that I had purchased yesterday, of autumn leaves falling from a tree, and it relaxes my mind somewhat.

With that, I clear my thoughts, close my eyes, sigh softly, and focus on drifting off into sleep.

* * *

My eyes flutter open. As they begin to focus and my consciousness resumes, I impulsively check the clock.

...1:18 AM.

I sigh. I had went to bed about a hour earlier than usual, but even then I should have slept for about another three hours.

My body was not very tired, though. That is the problem.

The body's tiredness determines sleep, rarely the brain's. Even though I had woken up at my usual time, my body had not been through enough yesterday to warrant sleeping for seven or eight hours; it only needed a little over five. My mind was what took most of the toll, and the mind never truly stops working, even when the body is in a state of unconsciousness.

Discontentedly, I throw my covers off of me. Almost immediately, the slight but pleasant chill in the air meets my legs, and begins to work its way up my otherwise nearly undressed body. I shiver, but it is a good shiver, that I enjoy.

I walk back over to the window. Another lovely night. The moon is a little more than half full.

Paradoxically, sometimes, nights like this are so bright, it will blind you.

When seeing things like this, or any similar scene such as a forest, every so often I just stop and take it all in, looking around, marveling at the natural gift before my eyes. And I begin to think.

I think about myself. I think about who I am. I think about how I act the way I do, about how I think the way I do, about why I want the things I do.

I think about what made me... me.

For really, consciousness is but a person — a single, moldable, shapeable lifeform — adjusted through experiences. Even if there is someone out there that looks exactly identical to me, and even somehow has a similar cursed bloodline and abilities as mine, they can never truly be Tohno Akiha. It is impossible.

This is because we are all shaped by our experiences. The experiences I had in life... there is no way that anyone could ever have the exact same experience. Even if the very same events happen, the forces of chaos would result in a different reaction, however subtle.

This, then, is the genesis of what we consider humanity. Consciousness. The self. An animal, given sentience and the ability to reason, develops individuality, the ability to recognize itself as "me."

From there, things grow by leaps and bounds.

The ability to associate others into roles. Family. Friends. Romantic interests. People whom you would love to meet. People whom you never want to meet.

The ability to decide what one wants or does not want. I enjoy western food, but I am not fond of intensely sour dishes. I enjoy sweets, but too much sweetness hurts my teeth. I... desire Nii-san, and can see no other person fulfilling that void in my life as well as I know he would.

The ability to barter, to come to agreement. I could tell how caustic this place was to Kohaku, so I granted her request to leave. Although I dislike cats, Len is on the whole not a bad one, and she is rather pretty in her human form. Even though I dislike how he leaves the house at night, I allow Nii-san to do so...

...Hmm.

...Now that I think about that, I think I am beginning to see why Nii-san snuck out so many times when he arrived here a year ago. There is an odd calm and peace to the night. A sense of tranquility, a place where, like I so desire, that one can simply sit, and take it all in... and think.

Perhaps a walk on such a night like this would be good for my mental state. Besides, if I do not do it now, it might be snowing soon, and then it will be considerably more difficult and less enjoyable. I am very intolerant of cold.

...Yes. That is what I will do. My mind needs time to straighten things out. I throw off my nightgown from my body, and begin to get dressed.

* * *

I walk out of my room, fully dressed and in my long red button-up dresscoat for nights such as this. Unlike Nii-san, I will tell Hisui that I am going, at least, so I walk to her room to check on her.

I open her door quietly, and I notice that she is on her side, on her bed. It seems she has just fallen asleep from her latest round. I also cannot help but smile slightly at the tranquil, almost serene expression on her face, and how pretty it looks on her. It makes me feel a little better to know that at least she is free of worries, for the most part.

I glance at the small clock she has hanging on the nearby wall; it is approximately 1:30 AM now, so she will no doubt be sleeping until 2:30 AM. I do not wish to wake her, so I just inform her on a note that I will be taking a moonlight walk, that I have the keys to unlock the doors, and that I will return around 5:30 AM at the latest.

I walk out of the mansion as quietly as I can, locking the door behind myself, and then out of the gate, which I also re-lock. It is now about 1:40 in the morning, according to the watch on my right wrist. The cool air flows over my face and glides through my hair with the rest of my body being covered by my dress, and so it feels pleasant to me.

I put the keys into one of my pockets, and I begin to walk.

Normally, of course, most women would not be out at this time of night. Especially not women my age. They would be prime targets for any murderers, or rapists, or other criminals who would prowl the streets, looking for a vulnerable young woman.

Anyone who would choose me as their target, however, would regret it immediately. With "him" dead, there are no terrors prowling the town that I know of. Arcueid-san or Ciel-san might know more, of course, but they would likely be prowling the night as I am now. Coming upon them would be pure chance.

...But perhaps I will?

It is, after all, not unheard of to meet someone at this time of night. While it would be incredibly unlikely, there are, of course, still people who enjoy the night life, as I do, but with wholly different ideas about enjoying it. These people are able to enjoy the fact that they can relax and have a night on the town because of people like me.

One whom they would probably never meet. They would certainly never meet Arcueid-san or Ciel-san... well, if they met Ciel-san, she could make them forget about it, anyway. But I would be the most "visible" of us all because of my heritage. The Tohno are a well-known family even among the Misaki commons, and it is not unheard of for people whom I have never met to occasionally make small talk with me.

After all, humans are social creatures... and Tohno Akiha is half human.

I will smile and chat amicably with them, but of course... nearly all of them never get closer to me than an occasional conversation. Most of the time, it is simply the occasional stranger asking me for the time, or if I can spare 100 yen or something small like that. As it were.

I walk towards downtown. The night is crisp, but not unbearably so, and my dresscoat keeps me quite warm. I take in the sights, of the yellowish glow of sodium streetlights, of the bright neon signs that glow all kinds of colors in shops open 24 hours a day, of the occasional deep, red lights of cars passing me by on the adjacent road.

I think about the past few days. It... has been interesting so far, I must admit. Kohaku helped me get over a large amount of paperwork I was really not looking forward to doing. Seo seems to have a romantic attraction to me.

...Of course, I could do without the anniversary that is coming up.

Thursday. Halloween, in most western cultures, they call it. But to me, it will be the anniversary of when the demon who took over Tohno Akiha and Nii-san fought. It was technically after midnight and so the next day, but that was the day that the demon nearly killed Nii-san. It was the day she was planning to do it.

I will be sure to have my work done early. I know myself. I know I will not want to do anything unless I absolutely must do it, on that day. That day will be best spent if I can shove it aside as much as possible. That day, will be a day I will just want to sit in the courtyard, drink some tea, and think about anything, anything at all, but "One year ago, I nearly killed Nii-san today."

Kohaku will be back the next night, though. That might help some.

...Strange.

It is strange how I turn to her, really, in my time of need. But then again, I always have. When the pains wracked my body, Kohaku was there. When I needed something, Kohaku was there. When the inversion impulse had nearly taken me over... Kohaku was there.

It was all a part of her plan, back then. Her plan to get back at the Tohno family, and I was just an unwitting participant in the grand play. I was half-aware that she was up to something, and so I allowed it, because I felt sympathy for her and what she had went through... but I did not know it reached quite that far. I did not know that, to her, I was just as much of a monster, simply by virtue of my heritage.

But Nii-san was an unfactored character. She did not count on me loving him so much that I would immediately have him return to my life as soon as Otou-sama had died. She had to quickly place him in. That, however, was too quick for even her warped mind to factor properly, and her gamble and play came to a crashing halt when he returned the ribbon she had given him when he left, nine years ago.

That ribbon... that is what really saved our lives. All of our lives. Kohaku might have saved mine and Nii-san's, but that ribbon is what saved hers...

Perhaps it is penance, or guilt, or simply a catharsis for her that is making her return week after week. I do not know. I do know she regrets her actions now, and the very real pain and guilt she showed when I asked her if she regretted it was all too real. All I know is that she continues to come, week in and week out, ensuring that I do not overwhelm Hisui, that everything is fine, that I am doing reasonably well. And even though I have tried to recompense her, she insists that merely my company and seeing Hisui is payment enough.

Complimentary. Kohaku has essentially been my mother figure for years, even though she is not much older than I am. Oka-sama* died not very long after I was born. I have no memories of her. Otou-sama would speak kindly of her, before his inversion. Afterward... I believe she ceased to exist for him.

...I wonder what Oka-sama would have been like, really? All I have of her are a few pictures, some keepsakes, and some stories Otou-sama had told me. I do not know much more of her other than those. I resemble her slightly, but she was perhaps slightly more full-figured than I was.

It is a shame she died so young. If only she had managed to survive... perhaps all of this, none of this, would have happened. I would certainly be asking her for advice on all of my problems, and more.

I chuckle slightly, morbidly. Attachment to a dead parent, to a parent whom I scarcely even know... now you are being silly, Tohno Akiha.

...But then again, If I was able to get advice from her on these things, I would not be who I am. I would still be Tohno Akiha, but not the Tohno Akiha that I am. I would be a very different one.

Whether that is for better, or for worse... I cannot say.

I impulsively stick my hands in my pockets. My fingers find the keys in my left pocket and play with them slightly. A song fills the air around me.

...I might have had a slightly more normal upbringing if Oka-sama had not passed away so early, I suppose. The sad thing is, she was not much older than I am now when she did — she was only about 24 years of age.

I, myself, will be 24 in only seven years.

But according to extended family, her death... is really what began to send Otou-sama down the path of Inversion Impulse. Once Oka-sama died... he knew he had to raise "him" alone to be head of the family. In order to ensure this, he obtained two Synchronizers from a branch of the Fujyou family — twin girls, Hisui and Kohaku. Jade and Amber.

And he put them to immediate use. Nominally, Hisui and Kohaku both helped out with household chores. Hisui took to her tasks with an incredible zeal. She never seemed to mind doing that sort of work at all... in fact, she sometimes acted as if it were almost some kind of game, some kind of competition, with "Nee-tan." A competition to see whom could clean the house faster, to earn Otou-sama's praise.

Hisui won this competition every single time.

The reason why? Simple. Kohaku took as long as possible as she could to clean because it was one of the few times she was away from Otou-sama. When she knew that he would not suddenly turn to her with a hungry look in his eyes and be pulling her dress up, pulling her underwear off, and inserting a penis far larger than an eight year-old child's vagina could ever accommodate.

And it only increased after "he" inverted, nearly killed the one who would take his identity, and thrust me into an unusual paradox — normally, the head of succession in the Tohno cannot be female, and female Tohno are rare, and yet necessity required it to be so. Otou-sama had no other heirs.

...And Kohaku was too young to become pregnant.

Still... when one pushes so many burdens on one so young... it is no wonder Kohaku became what she did. In addition to cooking, and cleaning, and tending to me on occasion, there was what Otou-sama did to her...

For somewhere around six years, Otou-sama's days were spent teaching me all manners of things by day, and raping a child by night, against even his own will. The child's screams and cries of terror, after several days would turn into begging him to stop, slowly turning into yelps and grunts of pain, then into simply tearful sobs, then sniffles, and then simply nothing at all, no emotions or even noises whatsoever, as she was ravished at an age where a girl should be more concerned with how pretty she looks in a dress.

I sigh. I feel bitterness in my heart for not having known that, but... as a child myself only a year younger than Kohaku... how could I have known, really? I had no concept of gender differences — not from a sexual point of view, anyway; I knew that boys and girls had different anatomy between their legs, but well... I did not know that the purpose of them, besides using the bathroom, was for the female to receive the male in that way.

Nor did I ever realize that when I talked about what Otou-sama had taught me today, that Kohaku gave... a rather sad smile and a slightly vacant look in her eyes as she nodded and said things like "I hope that you learn a lot from him, Akiha-sama."

I shudder violently.

These images, those words... they are burned into my memories for reasons I cannot explain, and my blood grows horribly cold when I remember them, like every drop in my arteries, veins, and capillaries just suddenly turned into ice water.

Simply put, I had no way of knowing that was exactly what Otou-sama was doing every single day to Kohaku, and when I did, I put an immediate stop to it, in a highly selfish manner. But... by then, really, it was merely a formality; the damage had been done, and Kohaku as she might have been had, for all intents and purposes, died.

If I had known earlier though, perhaps I could have stopped Otou-sama far earlier, and Kohaku would have been able to heal, and the events of last year would have never—

I feel the hair on the back of my neck surprisingly stand up. I stop walking instinctively.

I am... being watched, by someone.

I look around calmly to see if I can pinpoint anyone. Of course, I cannot. But I know that someone is observing me. I... can feel it. An aura. An unpleasant aura.

Whoever this person is... it would seem that they do not have the best intentions in mind.

...Yet, I cannot exactly tell whether it is a normal human, or a supernatural foe. But if I look like a threat, then it may draw a more aggressive response, such as being shot before I can see the gun and plunder the bullet. And even though I would heal from even a bullet wound fairly quickly, I would still be losing blood for a notable period of time.

Not to mention the fact that it would hurt quite badly. I am not invincible to pain, after all. Highly tolerant of it, yes, but I can still feel it.

Therefore, the best thing to do... is to feign indifference, to pretend that I suspect nothing... while secretly preparing myself for anything.

With a shrug, I continue walking on. Of course, I am pretending to be fully ignorant of my situation. In reality, I am keeping my mind sharp. A normal, human assailant will threaten me with a gun or a knife, and be easily subdued because he will think I am a normal, helpless girl. A smile — a smirk — the use of my abilities on the arm holding the weapon, and they will quickly leave me alone, or risk me destroying their arm permanently.

A supernatural adversary, on the other hand... would be a problem. That might require me to go completely all-out, immediately. And today is really not the best day for that; it has only been a week since my period, and I am still feeling a little uncomfortable and not terribly in the mood for a fight as a result.

I keep on walking. I sing to myself softly. "Donna ni kimi wo shibaritsuketemo, tamashii wa nukeochita, doushite ano sora miageta no ka, tatezu no tou..."**

...Hmm. A back alley. I wandered right into it as I focused on looking unsuspecting. Well, that is perfect actually. Surely this will draw out my adversary, no matter what.

Sure enough, I hear footsteps behind me. Calm footsteps. I turn around, attempting to size up whoever would come across me at this time of night. Whomever it is, at this time of night, it is likely not very good.

Which is what surprises me quite a bit when I see a girl roughly my age step out of the darkness into the dim light.

That is... unusual dress for this time of year and night.

Then she comes closer, and I can see it is dirty, worn, and spatteringly covered with dried blood.

That is... certainly not optimal condition.

She stops, a few feet away from me. This is when I see the red eyes.

My foe is not human. But... she does not attack?

I glare at her, narrowing my eyes slightly. "You have been following me for awhile now."

"...Him..." It comes out haltingly, like she is unused to speaking.

"...Eh? 'Him'? Are you insane, too?" I remove my hands from my pockets, to be ready for her attack.

"...You... smell like him..." is her only reply.

...Well, I did neglect to shower when I got up. I had not really realized it until well after I had left the house. But even then, I should not smell like a male. No male sleeps in my bed, and surely my body odor is not THAT offensive...

"...I believe you are mistaken, whoever you are." Obviously. What male do I know that I could possibly smell like...?

"...You smell like Tohno-kun."

"...!" A shiver runs down my spine. This... monster knows Nii-san? Then, this is DEFINITELY dangerous. I clench my teeth slightly.

"...Whoever you are... you will leave Nii-san alone, or else I will hunt you down and end your eternal life personally..." That should get her to state her true purposes...

...But instead, she weakly clutches her chest and sinks to the ground, and begins coughing hard. As I stare at it, momentarily stupefied, I see her chest heave, followed by the sound of vomiting, and the girl begins throwing up blood.

And my heart stops for a moment.

Nii-san... he... mentioned something like this...

I remember him mentioning a classmate of his whom had vanished... and those fang marks on his neck...

Could... this be her? I wrack my brain, trying to remember his description of her, as the vampire throws up most of her meal.

Hair... Black? No. Not black. Brown, I think it was. I look. Sure enough, the dim alley lighting reveals that the girl has brown hair.

Eyes... he said they used to be brown, but obviously now they were red. Well, I already saw the eyes.

The uniform... it is definitely the uniform of Nii-san's school. Ciel-san wore a similar uniform when she attended there as a cover.

This is likely her, then. But what was her name? Yu... Yusaka? No...

"...Tell me. If you know Nii-san... what did he look like?" I might as well test her.

She speaks, between bouts of vomiting thick crimson. "Lean, but chiseled... black hair... gray eyes... glasses... knife... faints..."

...This... is a piteous sight. The vampire has failed to keep her meal down, for the most part. She stands up, weakly clutching her stomach, looking like she is in pain. A little bit of coagulated blood and saliva flow from her mouth, and slightly reddish snot drools from her nose due to the force of her vomiting. She wipes her face with her other hand.

"Then, you would be the classmate of his that he mentioned," I say with a hint of surprise in my voice.

"...I guess. And you would be Tohno-kun's sister..." she replies with a similar hint of surprise in hers.

I nod. "I am. I am Tohno Akiha. And you... your name starts with Yu-, but I cannot remember it..."

"Uh, well... I used to be called Yumizuka Satsuki..."

* * *

* Oka-sama: A very polite way of saying "Mother."

** These are the beginning lyrics to "Satetsu no Tou" by Swinging Popsicle. This is considered to be Akiha's "Character song" by her creator, Kinoko Nasu. A rough translation: "Though you are bound to Earth by heavy burdens / by chains that pass through your soul / Still, you look up into the autumn sky / towards that ever-distant utopia..." Thanks to a friend for this translation - he knows who he is, and he is awesome.

* * *

...This girl, from Nii-san's past. A pathetic example of a vampire.  
And yet... she does not seem to act as one.  
...I must decide what to do about this... so I will ask her some things...

* * *

Next Week (8/29/10) – Chapter 13: "Interview with a Badluck Vampire"


	13. Interview with a Badluck Vampire

**A brief author's note:**

For those of you who really want my logic behind Satsuki's revival, check the topic for this story on Beast's Lair forums. I won't clutter the story with it.

**

* * *

**

Chapter 13: "Interview with a Badluck Vampire"

* * *

I remember full well the horror that went through my mind as I cleaned Nii-san's wounds that night. Various small cuts, scrapes, injuries... and two small marks in the left side of his neck.

How I told him I would take care of everything. Even as I panicked and began to wonder if I would need to give him some very expensive medicine. Porphyric Hemophilia, if caught early enough, can be cured before it progresses fully into vampirism... assuming the victim is not drained fully of blood and dies. If they die, it takes immediate effect.

I carefully dressed and tended to his wounds. Cotton balls, dipped in rubbing alcohol, and he did not even wince. Antibiotic ointments. Bandages. Gauze. Carefully tracing my fingers in the lacerations, applying the gentlest touch that I could so that it did not cause him even more pain.

I washed him down as best as I could with a warm towel without looking at his nearly nude body. My mind tempted me a few times, but I did not have Nii-san remove his underwear... even though I screamed at myself inside my head for thinking about that at a time like that, when Nii-san was injured.

I prepared a meal for him... well, not so much prepared as heated the dish Kohaku had pre-made. I could not cook then if I had wanted to... and I did. That night is why I began to learn how to cook... in secret.

And then I finally led him to his room that night, and as I tried to leave, he held me closely in his arms. Tightly.

And he began saying he could not save her. Nearly crying into my shoulder.

This girl, then... is the one he wanted to save.

I was so afraid that he would not come home... that I would never see him again.

If he had not... I... I probably would have lost my fight to stay human, then and there.

"...Yumizuka Satsuki. Yes, that was it. I remember now. I remember him stating how he could not save someone. To reduce him to the verge of tears like that... it is truly a horrible thing to put someone through, you know." I cross my arms and look at her angrily. I wish to make no mistaken assumptions to her, that I did not like what she did to him. At all.

She looks down, looking a little ashamed. "I was... foolish... I wanted to be with Tohno-kun, forever... so I bit him, to make him mine... but..." She looks wistful as she continues. "...A human like Tohno-kun can't love a vampire like me... he tried to save me, but even after killing me, I didn't die... my parent vampire was still alive, so... he held control over me like that, I guess... he denied me peace..." Her fists shake slightly with anger as she speaks about him. "...I'm trying to feed only when I can't take the pain anymore... even then... it still hurts..." She coughs hard, and clutches her chest once more.

...This girl is a victim of bad luck, then.

"This vampire... did you kill him?" I examine her from a distance. Her hand is still clutching her stomach.

"No," she manages to say. "He was far stronger than I was. But I think I injured him severely."

"...What did he look like?" It is possible that Arcueid-san, or Ciel-san, or Nii-san, or myself have faced this vampire and eliminated him. If one of us has, maybe that will give the girl some peace. At least... maybe I can grant her that.

"White hair... kimono—"

I do not even hear the rest. I freeze in place, like I were on the tracks of a bullet train and it was 50 feet away.

This... this was... his fault?ǃ

That... that... bastard. I feel my blood burn inside my veins. Just thinking about it is making me angry.

"Him," I voicelessly mouth. At least, I think I voicelessly mouth it. My ears do not confirm my voice had successfully said the word.

I cannot believe it. Then... this girl might have been what forced him to begin feeding, if she injured him badly enough. But...

...What could she have done to get him to that point? His abilities were certainly nothing to scoff at... indeed, if I had been forced to fight him up close, he likely would have bested me. Thankfully, my ability works from a considerable distance, so I was able to affect him when he could not harm me, but...

The girl must have seen the expression on my face, because she looks at me, slightly concerned. "Tohno Akiha-san... are you... alright?"

"...Him..." This time, my ears do acknowledge the noise my lips and throat produce.

"...Have we switched roles now?" Yumizuka Satsuki blinks.

Innocently.

Like a child, almost, she does not quite realize what is so impressive about this. Then again... how could she?

It is not as if she knows about our past, or me, or any of us besides Nii-san, and even then, she only knew him in the most casual of senses... certainly not a friendship, even though that is what she desired.

But... the words she said... they were really more like the simple wishes of a teenage girl. A paradise of the mind, because the reality she had was not one that was up to her ideal.

...But, thankfully, at least I can give the girl some peace.

Yes. "He" is dead, completely. I made sure of that, personally. I may be damned in the afterlife for my murder, a fate which I will accept with arms wide open. For now, I have protected those I love and hold dear. To me, that is more important than any potential afterlife consequences... for I am going to some kind of hell or damnation anyway, due to my heritage.

I quickly shake it out of my head and return to myself.

"...Ah... you will not have to worry about him anymore, Yusa— er, Yumizuka-san. I have killed him. He is no more." I smile slightly.

The girl looks relieved upon hearing this. "Y... You did? Are you sure?"

"I am certain. Let us say that I had a personal vendetta against him..." I feel my throat tighten slightly for some reason.

"...I see." She appears thankful.

I would like to know how important this girl holds Nii-san. He never told me about her until well after the fact, well after he had done what he had done to her.

He said that she had been in his classes for three years. And that he never realized how much the girl, Yumizuka Satsuki, had loved him, to the point where even if he did not talk to her, she was merely happy being in his presence.

The reality she had was that she merely shared a class with the boy, Tohno Shiki. She knew his name, and maybe a few things about him. She wanted to get closer to him, but due to her own reluctance, or Nii-san's general indifference, it seemed to not be fated for her to know him better.

They talked perhaps casually, as classmates do, but that was as far as they got. And then, the one day when she walked home with him...

...A tragedy that I would not wish even onto my most damned enemies befell her.

This, really, seemed to hurt him more than any of the wounds he suffered that night did. For it was a wound to his pride, a wound caused by being completely oblivious to someone else's feelings when they care about you.

The sort of wounds that cause a scar that never seems to completely heal...

"You say you are familiar with Nii-san. What is he to you?" I relax my posture a bit, so that the girl does not feel so threatened by my presence. Clearly, she will not attack. We are having a discussion; I should not take such an aggressive posture.

"Tohno-kun?" She blinks. "He... well... I... think I love him... I don't really know..."

"...Love? You loved Nii-san?" I may be right after all...

"...I don't know, but ever since he got me out of that locked shed, I've... wanted to be with him." She blushes slightly in embarrassment. A cute blush, I have to admit. A blush that reminds me of the way Seo blushes sometimes.

But... Nii-san rescued her...?

"Oh? When was this? Nii-san never informed me of this." I gently rest my back against the wall.

"Ehm..." Her red eyes look up slightly and she taps her lips with her index finger as she thinks. "About... four years ago, I'd say? Me and some others in our school's badminton club were trapped in a shed in winter, and we were all scared we'd freeze to death, because it was very cold that day. But Tohno-kun came and found us there, and I guess it gave our captain the strength to bash the door open, and he told me to go home and eat some Ozouni. Ever since then, I've always wanted to be with him..."

...Then, Nii-san was only 14. As was this girl. I can guess full well how Nii-san had opened the door — he likely had cut its "line" using his eyes. The eyes that, were it not for his glasses, would be their original blue instead of a gray.

...How I wish that they could be blue like that, all the time. I feel my heart skip a beat every time I look into them, when they are blue. It feels like they pierce my body completely, and look directly at my soul.

"...But... while I dreamed of Tohno-kun the way only a girl can, he was caught up far too much in other things to pay much attention to me. But, I was okay with that, somehow. I knew he'd be there to help me if I really needed it... a year ago, I finally managed to get to talk to Tohno-kun on my way home again. It was one of the happiest times of my life, even though it was so brief..." she sighs a little bit sadly.

This girl... loves him unconditionally. She is a good soul, but how come she is a vampire?

"Oh, that?" Yumizuka Satsuki's question startles me.

"Eh?" I blink.

"You just said 'How come she is a vampire,' didn't you?" She blinks.

"...I said that out loud?ǃ" I blush slightly in embarrassment. My thoughts are supposed to be inside my head, not outside my mouth!

Strangely enough, this makes the girl giggle slightly. "Yes. But it's okay." She sighs slightly. "On my way home, I was attacked. I never saw it coming. I just felt myself being grabbed, and a sharp blow to my head... I guess I was knocked out immediately. When I came to... I was in front of someone, and I'd ripped them apart, and I had their intestines in my hands, and my hands and clothes were covered in blood... and I could taste it in my mouth, too... it hurt... My body hurt, my brain hurt, my soul hurt... I wanted Tohno-kun to save me from it. So I began killing, to get his attention... and I did... I offered him to join me, but he couldn't, so I tried to bite him to make him mine... but even as I did bite him... even as I began to drink his blood... Tohno-kun saved me. He saved me by killing me... even as I began to die, the pain stopped, and I was able to thank him. So I died happily..."

A slight sigh and a smile escapes from Yumizuka Satsuki's lips, as she closes her eyes and imagines what peace must feel like before she resumes.

"...But then my parent vampire revived me somehow... because I came to on a table next to him, and he laughed and told me how I would not be able to get away from him that easily... I would be doomed once more to a hell of pain, an eternal life without purpose... and... I got so angry... that I did something... I don't know what really, but something inside me just... snapped... I just screamed, and then I heard him scream in pain for some reason, like he was burning, and it felt like I was the only thing alive in there, somehow... When I got my senses back, I saw him convulsing on the floor... I ran, thinking I had killed him somehow... but then I found out I had not, and that he was looking for me. So I hid..." She sighs.

"...And then I killed him a few days later." I finish.

"If what you say is true, then yes, Akiha-san. But I did not know that until now, so for a year, I've been hiding because I thought he'd kill me if he found me..." The fear in her eyes is obvious. She definitely fears "him" even though she, herself, was embraced and made into one of them by him.

...Even now, she looks like she would rather hide than fight. She is talking to me, but her eyes... they say "If you let me go, I will not bother you ever again, and I am so sorry that I did."

...It is unfair.

She looks so sad that it is hard not to feel the injustice this girl has suffered. Even though she is a competitor for Nii-san's feelings... this girl did not ask for this extra burden of vampirism to be planted upon her.

...Like me, she has had a curse foisted onto her without her choice or consent.

But, in some ways... hers is even worse.

I was born with my curse, the curse of the Tohno lineage. There is no escaping it. The only time I will ever be freed from this curse, of ever being one hundred percent sure that I will never invert...

...Will be death.

But... Yumizuka Satsuki has it far worse. For she was born as a regular human. And for most of her life, that is what she was. Dealing with human issues. How pretty she looked. How attractive and handsome the boys in class were. Her life plans. The future. Hopes. Dreams. Fantasies. Children. Marriage. Aging. And finally, the ability to lie on her deathbed, many years from now, and reminisce on what a good life she had led before she takes one last, happy sigh, closes her eyes, and her soul is freed from its physical constraints by her acceptance.

...And it was all taken away from her by a beast so damnable, so vile, that I feel my blood boiling just from the thought of it.

How dare he. This is a punishment even more corrupting than rape. Rape defiles the temple of the body, the sanctity of a person's sense of security.

This... makes rape look like a gentle embrace, in comparison. Even murder is more humane than what Yumizuka Satsuki had went through.

Instead... he has damned this girl to an eternal life as a monster. One who needs blood. One who can never be among humans. Never see smiles, never hear laughter, none of it, ever again...

...Frankly, it is a miracle the girl has managed to survive this long. Most new vampires go mad with what has happened to them, or are relishing in their power. This girl does neither. Instead, all she does... is hide, and cower, and wish just for the happier times...

...Unacceptable. I cannot allow this sort of suffering to continue.

...But, what can I do? This girl may not even trust me, even if I am the sister of the one she loves and desires. But... I do have plenty of room in my home. And, truth be told, having someone else there... may be an interesting change of pace.

Perhaps I can help... yes. That sounds prudent.

"...I think I may be able to help you, Yumizuka-san," I announce with a slight smile.

"...You... can?" The girl blinks as she looks at me. She looks slightly nervous. I cannot blame her for that.

"I assure you, my intentions are honest." I groan slightly as I stretch, trying to relieve my tension, since it seems Yumizuka-san will not attack me, knowing who I am now. "I think I could use someone else in the house to do some small things... and honestly, having another person there will be a nice change of pace and make it seem less lonely. To put it bluntly, I will forgive you for biting Nii-san... if you will become my servant."

"Y... Your servant?ǃ" She seems to enrage slightly. I had better quickly calm her down.

"Relax. It is nothing like what "he" wanted you to do, probably. It is real simple things, for the most part... small household chores, perhaps some night guarding, things of that nature... in exchange, of course, you get a bed, shelter, and blood."

...She looks away. It is clear she does not like that idea. "I... don't want to bite Tohno-kun. Or you, Akiha-san. I can't accept that..."

...Ah. That is all then, is it? No, she does not want to be a vampire... just like I do not want to be a demon. But, if I can live mostly as a human does except under times of great stress, then so can see. Besides...

"...The blood is in transfusion packs, Yumizuka-san. You will not need to bite anyone."

She looks back at me. "...How do you have those? Do you work in a hospital, Akiha-san?"

I smile slightly. "No. But it is a long story. If you will return with me to the mansion, though, I shall tell you it."

The girl seems still slightly worried, but she nods. "A-alright." I can see her thinking, more or less. Probably something along the lines of "It is better than what I have now."

With that, the vampire named Yumizuka Satsuki and myself leave the back alley. Tonight, unlike many other nights, there will be no bloodshed here.

* * *

Yumizuka-san and I chat amicably on our way home. It turns out she is a rather bright girl. We speak about a lot of things, but especially Nii-san.

Strangely enough, even though I was initially jealous of her for potentially being a rival for Nii-san's affections, as we walk back to the mansion, I think I can say that besides me, a woman like Yumizuka-san would fit Nii-san the best. She loves him unconditionally... perhaps even more unconditionally than I do. For while I overlook Nii-san's flaws, Yumizuka-san simply does not mind them. She believes they are integral to him.

Perhaps they are... perhaps he would not be the Nii-san I love either, if he were not without those flaws. He would be too perfect. A simulation.

Maybe I love those, even though I think I do not...?

Love is such a confusing emotion. Like a roller coaster in the dark, you do not know where it will go, or what it will do to you. You just know that it "is" for lack of a more elegant phrasing.

"Akiha-san... may I ask how you obtained blood packs, please?" Yumizuka-san turns her head slightly towards me.

"Hm?" Yumizuka's voice snaps me out of my thoughts. Ah, yes. I did say I would explain that, did I not? "Well... I will explain from the beginning, then. Truth be told, Nii-san and I are not fully normal humans. Or, for that matter, actually related." If this girl is going to live in the mansion, there is little point in hiding these secrets from her.

Besides... whom is she going to tell them to?

"Eh?" She blinks, looking at me with those red eyes.

"Nii-san's original name was Nanaya Shiki. And originally, our families were at war. When Nii-san and I were still both children, they went to war for the last time. My family, the Tohno, led a surprise attack on the Nanaya, with help from some of our branch families. We massacred all of the Nanaya, for they were plotting to kill us all, but Otou-sama spared one boy. That boy was Nii-san. Otou-sama took him in because he also had a son named SHIKI." I resist the urge to revulse at the mention of "his" name.

Yumizuka-san blinks. "So... there are two Tohno Shiki-kuns?"

"Not quite," I say. "Not long after Nii-san arrived at our house, my older brother... the "original" Tohno SHIKI, so to speak, went insane. He attacked me... but Nii-san threw himself in the path. SHIKI killed him instead... and when Otou-sama saw what had happened, he killed SHIKI. But I had grown attached to Nii-san... and I desperately used my powers to give him half of my life, so he could live. I swore I would never consider SHIKI my brother again... my one, and only, Nii-san from that day on was to be the boy formerly known as Nanaya Shiki."

Yumizuka-san looks like she wants to cry. "It's... it's like something out of a tragic story..."

"There is more to it than that, though. Nii-san recovered in the hospital thanks to me, but as a side effect of only having half the lifeforce of a normal person, he had fits of anemia, as you have perhaps seen, and I suffered from being cold all of the time and fits of almost intolerable pain. The only thing keeping me alive, really, was knowing that his life depended on mine, and knowing that he would pull through. That allowed me to deal with the pain. Then, Otou-sama sent him to live with a branch family of ours, the Arimas. And SHIKI was still alive, and still insane, having stolen Nii-san's original lifeforce... eventually, after Otou-sama died, SHIKI escaped before I could kill him myself..." I sigh.

"Wow... is he still prowling the streets?" She looks afraid.

"No," I say. "Because I killed him." It is delivered, subconsciously or not, in an ice cold tone.

"...You killed your own brother?" She looks scared, now.

"I had to. He was a threat. You know that already." I look away, towards the moon hanging in the sky, and I sigh.

"...I do?" She blinks... and then stops as revelation comes crashing down on her. "...Y-You mean..."

"Yes. The 'vampire' who bit you was the real Tohno SHIKI. He is not a true vampire, for he does not need blood, but those of the Tohno bloodline suffer due to having demon blood in our veins. Nearly all Tohno will eventually suffer from what is called an 'inversion impulse.' It is when their demon blood takes over, turning them into mindless beasts who only desire to kill, and drink the blood of the slain. This is what happened to SHIKI and made him nearly kill myself and Nii-san."

I stop, realizing Yumizuka-san has not walked since realizing that we are now irrevocably connected. I turn back to her.

"...Yumizuka-san? Have you changed your mind about my offer?" I blink. It is her choice, but I will not force her.

"...N-No," she manages to breathe out. "I am just... stunned..."

"Then please keep walking. If we stop for too long, the sun will start to rise. It is..." I check my watch on my right wrist. "...4:26 in the morning."

"...Yeah." She sadly says it as she resumes walking. I wait until she is at my side before I resume walking as well. "But, Akiha-san... will you not invert someday?" She asks, somewhat nervously.

Ah. Not a bad question, after all. I would likely ask that myself, if I were her.

I sigh. "I already did once. After I killed him, SHIKI managed to invade my body, and nearly made me kill Nii-san. With SHIKI dead, Nii-san could have his life back, but SHIKI was making me want to control and dominate him... and his presence increases the demonic Tohno blood within me. To counteract it, I began drinking from my servant, Kohaku, first, but when I needed more than she could provide without killing her, we began to get blood packs. This is why I have those."

"Oh," Yumizuka-san says. "I guess that makes sense, then... but... you're not bloodthirsty now, right? So how did it stop...?"

"It was only after we nearly killed each other, and with a little intervention, that we all managed to snap out of it. I gave Nii-san his lifeforce back, and then took back the half of mine that I gave to him since he no longer needed me to keep him alive. By taking that half back, I regained full control over my Tohno blood. Inversion for me is no longer a when, but an if... and it is something I fully control." Thankfully... at least, as far as I know. I have yet to stress myself enough to test my control... and I do not dare to try.

Yumizuka-san looks at me with awe. "Wow... Tohno-kun's life is a lot more difficult than I thought." She seems almost surprised.

"Yes. He is not fully 'normal' either, as it were. Do you know why he always wears his glasses?"

"Uhm..." Yumizuka looks up briefly. "He said he gets bad headaches if he takes them off?"

"Partially. He does, but the reason why is without his glasses, he can see people's death as lines. If Nii-san sees these lines and traces them with some sort of instrument, or even his own finger, whatever it is will split along that line, or if it is some vital organ, be killed. Presumably this is what he did to you, Yumizuka-san."

"...Yeah. He stabbed me in the heart I think, and I instantly knew I was dying... but... it was so warm... and so painless... and all of the hurting stopped... even if I was dying, I was thankful that he stopped the pain... it was almost... pleasant, really, as sick as that sounds..." She sighs a bit, almost as if she wishes she were dead.

"...If you really wish for death, Yumizuka-san, I could make it painless as he could..." ...Though I really would not like to...

She shakes her head with resolution. "No. I don't have to run or hide in fear anymore, and if you have blood packs, I don't even have to drink from people anymore. I can... try to live something like a normal life again..."

I nod, respecting her wishes. "Very well then. Anyway, seeing these lines gives Nii-san headaches, and if he looks at things that have no concept of 'life' such as buildings, the headaches can get much stronger. If he does it too much, then the blood vessels in his brain will burst, and he will die. But with those glasses on, Nii-san does not see those lines and points. They allow him to function. Other than those abilities and some very fast reflexes, Nii-san is basically a normal human."

"I see. Tohno-kun is more interesting than I thought." She smiles slightly. "Is... he there, too?"

"Sometimes," I reply. "Usually he is only in some of the time. When he is not here, he tends to stay with Kohaku, or is at Arcueid-san or Ciel-san's place."

"...Ciel? I've heard that name before... uh... tall girl with blue hair and blue eyes?" She blinks, trying to dredge up long-disused memories.

"Yes... Do you know Ciel-san?" This raises my interest. If Ciel-san knew this girl existed... it was almost certainly before her change. Ciel-san would try to kill Yumizuka-san to put her out of her misery.

"Yeah. Tohno-kun was talking to her some right before I was bitten. She was our senpai." She smiles. "She had this exotic beauty to her that I kind of was jealous of."

...Well, it would be only natural for her to talk to some of her "fellow students" if she were acting as one, as a cover.

"I see. Well, they are friends of his. He helps them out. Kohaku is a former servant at the mansion that I think Nii-san has fallen in love with. She still comes by on the weekends, though."

I am not sure if Yumizuka-san heard the last part of that statement. Her shoulders slumped as soon as I mentioned Nii-san loved another woman.

"Yumizuka-san?" I stop and look at her.

"...No, I should expect that. I was dead, after all." She shuffles onward slightly, and still looks quite sad as we round the last corner. "Oh... the mansion on top of the hill. That's right." She says it slightly mechanically.

I look at her. "...Are you sure you are alright with this, Yumizuka-san? I am not forcing you to do this. It is your choice."

She, once more, shakes her head. "No, I want to do this. You've killed my parent vampire, and I feel kind of guilty for what I did to Tohno-kun. Besides... if I get to see him again, that will be worth it." She smiles.

...She really is too nice of a girl to have had such a tragic fate befall her. I shall do my best to help Yumizuka-san.

* * *

Hisui is awaiting in the hall when I unlock the door. She bows deeply.

"Good morning, Akiha-sama. I am happy to see your walk was uneventful." She looks at me, and then Yumizuka-san. "...Company, Akiha-sama? That is unlike you."

"It was quite eventful, actually, Hisui. And yes... I hate to make such an unusual request, but could you please prepare a room for our guest? I have a feeling she will be staying from now on. Ah, and please make it fairly dark... she... does not go well with sunlight."

"...A vampire. I understand." She closes her eyes. "Shall I blacken the window—"

"NO!" Yumizuka-san impulsively shouts, and then looks slightly embarrassed. "Ah... I can't go into direct sunlight, no... but I like to look outside and feel the wind sometimes. So... please don't shade it up any more than you must."

Hisui reopens her eyes, and then nods. "I understand. If you will excuse me, I will get right on it." With a deep bow and a curtsey, Hisui departs, heading upstairs to prepare the room.

I turn to Yumizuka-san. "We can sit in the tea room for now. I know you only need blood, but do you still get cravings for regular food?"

"...Do you have... uhm... any green tea?" She pushes her fingers together slightly, embarrassed to be asking.

I nod. "Several kinds. From regular green tea to the finest Gyokuro money can purchase."

She blushes slightly. "Ah... I don't want to impose..."

"It is not imposing, Yumizuka-san." I smile.

"...Alright then. Just some green tea, please." She manages a small smile in kind.

I nod once more. "Very well then. Please wait there, Yumizuka-san." I walk off to the kitchen.

I will prepare some Aki-Bancha for us both. Tea, at least, is not so bad to prepare. Add some tea leaves, soak in water, and wait.

About ten minutes later, I come out with two cups, and carefully hand Yumizuka-san hers. She looks at it, with longing, almost disbelieving eyes. Eyes that say "I cannot believe this is happening."

"Please, go ahead. Just do not drink it down all at once. That would be greedy and wasteful, and good tea is meant to be sipped, savored, and carefully enjoyed." I lift my cup up to my lips and draw the tea into my mouth.

Yumizuka-san nods, and carefully sips it. For perhaps the first time in a year, Yumizuka Satsuki has liquids other than blood coat her throat.

It makes me... feel happy to see such an act.

"I hope it is to your satisfaction," I say as I finish the sip of mine.

"...It is some of the best tea I have ever had. What kind is it?" She looks down into the cup, watching the steam rise up gently from it.

"Aki-Bancha," I reply. "We have more expensive tea, but as Aki-Bancha is only obtained around this time of year, I prefer to drink it in autumn, when it is freshest."

She smiles. "It could be because your name is Akiha, too, Akiha-san."

I cannot help but return it. "That may also be a factor, Yumizuka-san."

Yumizuka-san looks considerably more at peace, now. Her clothes might be tattered and dirty, but washing the chair is but a small thing compared to giving this girl peace of mind. She lifts the cup carefully and closes her eyes slightly as she savors the rich flavors inside.

I watch her as I sip my own tea. Deep down inside... I wish I were a little more like Yumizuka-san. Not for her being a vampire or anything, but... the way she talked about Nii-san, and how she could love him so simply, yet so purely... this girl truly deserved something better than what fate has dealt her. Ripped from her family. Her friends. All that she knew...

...All by "him." Because he lost his mind, because he saw an easy target... a meal for him that starts a nightmare for a girl who had her whole future ahead of her...

My cup rattles slightly in its saucer.

I have even more reason to hate him now. He is lucky I cannot kill him again, but if I somehow can, it will easily be twice as painful for him as it was last time, just for making this girl's life a living hell. I will drain his life just fast enough for him to be helpless, but slow enough that he suffers... yes. Only a true monster would turn an innocent young schoolgirl like this into such a monster.

She is resisting her vampire side. That is why she throws up the blood. Yumizuka Satsuki does not want to be a vampire.

For now, the blood transfusion packs will have to do. I will have to call some of our more medically-oriented branch families and see if they have any access to such cures...

I do not think we have a cure, but I know some branches of our family are working on one. It would be a base for our own genetic cure. For being a Tohno would not be so bad if inversion could be completely cured, I must admit. Even I would not mind to have these powers as long as I could be one hundred percent sure that they remained under my control, at all times.

That said... I also would not mind even if I lost my powers entirely. Power is both a blessing and a curse, and those who wield great power tend to be twisted and distorted as a result of it. I would not want the same thing to happen to me, so if it came down to it... I think I would sacrifice them.

As she finishes her tea, I notice it is about 5:30 AM. I must prepare for school soon. Fortunately, Hisui arrives as well, and bows. "Akiha-sama, our guest's room is ready." She announces it with a graceful bow.

"Ah. Perfect timing Hisui. Please show Yumizuka-san to it, and when she awakens at dusk, please have a blood pack ready for her. She will be needing those, so please leave a note for Kohaku to obtain more." I finish the last of my tea, and then stand up.

"Of course, Akiha-sama." She smiles, and turns to Yumizuka-san. "Please follow me, Yumizuka-sama. What sort of blood type do you prefer the most?"

I watch as Yumizuka-san walks away with Hisui. "Uhh... Blood Type A. But you don't have to call me Yumizuka-sama, just call me Satsuki, or Sacchin..." Their voices soon fade.

I feel like I have done a good deed. With my heart full of pride and happiness, I walk to my room to shower and change into my school uniform.

At least today... I have shown that the human side of Tohno Akiha will win out. The monster inside of her wished to kill her for attacking Nii-san... but the human side of her could listen to reason.

Plus... if I had been able to kill "him" then she would never have become a vampire. This, then, is partially my fault... so the least I can do is help her if I am able. And all she wants are simple things... shelter, safety, company.

I can provide those. They are simple things. Besides...

"...She is not that bad of a girl at all."

* * *

Welcome to my home and my life, Yumizuka-san.  
It is good that by pure fortune I found an ally in you.  
Just pray you never betray my trust... or you will die.

* * *

Arc 1: "A Non-Existant Life" **END.**  
Arc 2: "Reassembling a Shattered Soul" **START.**

* * *

Next Week (9/5/10) – Chapter 14: "Westminster Quarters"


	14. Westminster Quarters

Chapter 14: "Westminster Quarters"  
Monday, October 28, 2002

* * *

After I shower and change, I get dressed and head for my limousine with my bag. Approximately an hour and a half later, I arrive on my campus, Asagami Private Girls Academy.

Asagami is a very strict school for the elite. There are no males on the campus except for staff, and one is forbidden from a lot of things most girls take for granted, such as bringing in your own food, talking to boys, and a variety of other things. Officially, anyway.

Unofficially, these things can and do happen, of course.

I walk up to my dorm, and unlock it with my key. Souka whirls around to me as she hears the door open, half-dressed, covering her bra-covered chest with one hand.

"Oh... it's only you, Tohno." She relaxes.

I cannot help but smile slightly inwardly as I think of the irony of Souka covering up her chest, even though she is wearing a bra. Souka, after all, is one of the few people whom I can actually feel, well, bustier than.

Perhaps it is because every so often I have a milk tea to balance things out, and give me more energy to grow with?

...Then again, I would likely be even bigger if I did not have to support Nii-san's life for eight years. But that is another story...

"Apologies for not knocking, but I would not like to awaken Sleeping Beauty, or any other person on the floor." I quietly shut and re-lock the door behind me.

Sure enough, Hanei is still dozing away, sleeping until the last possible minute. Nii-san must have given her pointers somehow. She has a very strange smile on her face, and she is drooling slightly.

"...Feels nice," she mumbles softly as I observe her. The strange smile widens even more.

I simply shake my head, and leave her be for now. Let sleeping dogs lie, as the old saying goes... well, that actually fits Hanei very well, considering her loyalty and her steadfast dedication to whatever work she throws herself into.

"How was your weekend once you got back here, Souka?" I sit down on my bed after putting my bag at the foot of it.

"Eh. Not too shabby. Seo was panicking about something, but seemed fine on Sunday." Souka resumes brushing her hair, looking at herself in the mirror as she does so.

"Yes. She left a doujinshi of hers at my home."

"Oh? What one was it, that one about scantily dressed magical girls?"

"...Actually, it was one of the ones she produces herself," I tell her.

"Ahh, I see, I see. No wonder she was runnin' around like a chicken with her head chopped off." She chuckles slightly to herself, almost morbidly. "Well then... what was in it, eh? Let me guess, some ultra muscular dude saving some cute girl half his size or somethin'?"

...Hmm. This could be difficult. Souka does not usually blab about things, but who knows what Seo might have done for her to get her to subtly spy?

"Why do you ask, Souka?" I offer up a good time-stalling tactic.

"Because she was sweatin' bullets, Tohno. She wouldn't let me or Hanei even close to it to get a glimpse at it." Finishing combing her hair, Souka begins to put on the top of her seifuku.

"Ah, I see... did she put you up to asking me?" It would not be beyond the little devil to try to see if I would blab... but thankfully, Souka does not play for both sides.

"Eh? Her? Nah." She straightens her top and shrugs her shoulders a few times, getting comfortable in it. "Sunday she got some of her things and said she'd be back Tuesday. Some sort of doctor's appointment."

D...Doctor's appointment?ǃ That sneaky little witch... Y, you are trying to avoid me, aren't you?ǃ You had a feeling I was going to try to confront you today, so you found some excuse to go and get a shot or something, is that it...ǃ?

Souka must have sensed the disappointment. "What, you wanted to talk to her, Tohno?" She turns to me and looks at me, slightly worriedly, as she begins to tie up the bow on her uniform.

I sigh to calm myself down. If Seo is not here, there is no point in getting angry over it, and it will just make Souka suspicious. Having her suspicious may mean she finds out about that doujinshi, and if she does... I will never learn the humiliation down. More importantly, Seo Akira will not be capable of drawing ever again after I am through with her.

...But, there is also the fact that Souka is not the type of person who will tell secrets. Tsukihime Souka is a free spirit, someone who defies traditional expectations and roles of the female sex and forges her own path. This is a trait of hers that I admire, and honestly I wish that I were so bold that I could be able to just decide something, consider it done and settled, and deal with the consequences as she does.

But Souka does share one important trait that any girl, "proper" or not, should have – the ability to keep a secret. And I know that at the least, Tsukihime Souka can be trusted with those.

...However, I will make sure that I hit a weak point of hers as well to be one hundred percent sure that she will not betray my trust.

"...If I tell you what was inside, you must swear you will never tell Seo, Souka. Or I will throw bleach on all of your clothing." And I stare her right in the eyes so that she knows I am not joking.

She smiles slightly, even as she clicks her tongue. "...That bad, huh? Alright, Tohno. I'm game." She walks over near her bed, pulls out one of the chairs nearby, and sits down somewhat roughly on it, not particularly caring if she winds up sitting on the back of her seifuku's skirt or not. "So... what was inside it then?" She leans back in the chair slightly, crossing her arms.

Well then... here goes nothing. I sigh to compose myself, and then... I let it out.

"Well... what was inside... was basically herself and I... kissing." ...And even with this, I feel a little bit of heat rise up to my cheeks.

Souka's eyes widen slightly. "...No way." Even she seems surprised. The usually unflappable Tsukihime Souka is, for the first time in as long as I can remember, looking rather genuinely shocked.

"Am I the type to lie, Souka?" I glance at her slightly.

"...Nah, guess not..." She is, likewise, glancing. Neither of us are able to commit to the uncomfortable situation. "...Huh. You sure it's you and her?" Her voice wavers ever so slightly.

"She looked slightly older, but I looked almost identical, except in dress and lacking a hairband." Of course... how could I ever forget that image? It was just a sketch, but that much was very obvious. I doubt that I will ever forget it as long as I live.

"...Wow. Seo drawing a lesbian doujinshi?" Souka just smirks slightly, and her shoulders rapidly shrug as she manages to hold in some laughter. "I didn't think she'd be bold enough to do something like that... much less with you, Tohno. Yeah... that'd definitely explain why she was sweatin' bullets before she got it back. And she doesn't know you read it... hoo boy. She's a bit too young to die, though, y'know? So... what are you gonna do about it?"

"I do not know." I sigh. "I am not sure if it is just her being creative, or if that was her real thoughts... but since she explicitly asked if I had looked in it and seemed rather nervous about me having it, I have a feeling it might be her true thoughts, Souka..."

Souka hmms, and reclines back even more in her chair, putting her hands behind her head and resting her legs on her nearby bed. "Well, you could always just ask her for the truth, Tohno. I mean, you'd have to get around the whole fact that you actually know what's inside it, but there's probably no other way to know if she's just being fancy, or if she's taken a fancy, instead." Souka smiles very slightly.

"It's not that! I'm not romantically interested in girls, Souka! I'm interested in N–" I manage to cut myself off before I blurt that out. The last thing I need to be attached to my name is "Weird pervert who gets freaky with her own brother." Though, even if I explained why I feel how I do about him, I doubt that they would see the situation as anything but something as utterly disgusting as mindless, rutting incest.

"Oh? In who, Tohno?" Souka cracks a sly grin. Like a death's head, like a shark smelling blood, the almost evil, toothy grin of Tsukihime Souka spreads across her face as her lips part like a crack through glass.

"T-That's none of your concern!" I quickly stammer it out.

"Aww. Phooey." She laughs a bit, but soon gets serious. "Well, I mean, it's not like she's gonna rape ya or anything, Tohno. Akira knows you'd light her up." She shrugs. "So you might just be beatin' yourself up over nothin'."

"That is not the point," I say as I sigh. "I am not interested in women in that way."

"You're not, huh." Souka clicks her tongue softly as that slight, sly smile begins to spread across her lips again.

"W, What are you suggesting, Souka?ǃ Of course I'm not! Two women can't do that, anyway!"

Souka laughs. Not quite the falling-out-of-her-chair laugh Kohaku had on Sunday, but it still bothers me.

"What, you're saying it's possible?ǃ" I exasperatedly force it out of my mouth.

"Of course it's possible, Tohno!" She laughs once more, although it is sounding less like Souka's usual good-natured laughter and more of a mocking one. "Jeez. Your old man really did keep you cooped up in that mansion, didn't he?" She shakes her head.

"That has nothing to do with it! I know full well what men and women do in bed, Souka!" I feel my cheeks blushing as I confess that I have that knowledge.

"But what about two women, hmm?" She puts her feet down and leans so her chin rests on the fist of her left hand, and she looks directly in my eyes. Staring me down. Almost challenging me to find a way out of this torture.

"They do the same things men and women do!" Of course! Dinner and movies and such... right?ǃ Two girls can eat and watch movies together! Seo, Souka, Hanei, and myself have done this all, too, so that makes four of us doing it!

"Oh? So who enters who?" She grins slyly. She is getting such amusement out of this... it is making me angry. I feel the blood rising to my cheeks, full force now.

"It does not matter!" I stand up. "Look, I have better things to do than argue such a silly subject with you. I will see you later!" I grab my bag, and head for the door.

Souka laughs. "Giving up already, Tohno? Just say you don't know about it, it's really just that simple!"

I answer her by slamming the door, and I walk off in a huff.

* * *

I sigh.

I... really do not know.

As I watch other students begin to shuffle from their dorms to the classroom buildings, I sit outside of the building of my appointed class, thinking over Souka's words.

Whom enters whom...? Well... obviously she was suggesting... well... bedside manners... I guess would be the best polite way to describe that... but... more importantly...

...How **CAN** two women do that, anyway? Part of me wonders that, but most of me reacts with revulsion. A woman simply cannot love another woman in the way a man could. It is simply physically impossible. They lack the necessary organs!

And yet, it is true that women do make such pairings... I just do not see how. If they are interested only in women, then... it must be some kind of celibate love. It may be emotionally rewarding, and it certainly can be intimate. It may even be physical to a degree...

…...But sex? That is out of the question. It is literally physically impossible. The differences between the sexes mean that it is quite literally physically impossible.

...Even if it WERE possible, for the sake of argument, for two women to be sexual together, women do not have the proper chromosomes. Anyone who has taken basic biology courses know that females produce eggs, and males produce sperm. It takes both of these things to create a child. Furthermore, females can only produce an X chromosome, while it is the male sperm that determines the sex of the baby, for he can produce sperm with both X and Y chromosomes.

So, the matter of "who enters who" as Souka so vulgarly put it should be of little significance. So...

…...Why am I thinking about it if I do not really care about it?

...I sigh. This is getting me nowhere. The whole subject confuses me, and frustrates me.

Seo has a better grip on the concept than I seem to have. After all... she was drawing... well, what seems to be an older version of herself and me kissing. This means that she must know something that I do not. But I cannot ask her today. Worse, asking her will likely tip her off that I did indeed look in her doujinshi.

...Well, if worse comes to worse, I suppose I could ask Kohaku when she arrives on Friday... although doing so would mean essentially victory for her, and she will likely demand a favor for the explanation. After all... it is rare for Kohaku to have the upper hand on me, and so whenever she gains it, she takes the fullest advantage of her position.

But... Friday, I will not want to be thinking about that. I will just want that day to end. If I could, I want to never experience another November 1st in my life... I would gladly spend that one entire day asleep, from midnight to midnight, if I could. Sadly, not even half human bodies work in that way.

...Really, though, why am I getting so wound up over such a silly drawing? It is probably just a drawing, and Seo likely simply just used me as a frame of reference. Maybe it was even subconsciously so... and she would be changing the appearance of the girl when she went on to, say, inking or shading it.

...Why do I even care about this in the first place? I am not interested in women. It is probably just to tell Seo unequivocally that I am not interested in her in that way.

I get up and stretch my arms as well as arch my back backwards a little to relieve the tension in my body, then I head for my classes as the bells ring out the time. It is 9 AM.

* * *

Classes, thankfully, are generally uneventful. I paid attention well enough, but as we had just had an examination, it is mostly breaking down the results. Most of us did well, with the class lackeys, of course, lacking.

By now, it is approximately 3:45 PM. It is a lovely day outside, with leaves falling to the ground and warm temperatures, but tempering breezes. My favorite sorts of days. I even close my eyes as I walk, allowing the gentle feeling of the cool breeze to massage my face. I cannot help but smile slightly whenever I do this.

I walk back to the dorm, knocking and announcing "It is me" before I open the door. Just in case Souka is inside undressing this time, or something.

...But instead of Souka, Hanei is inside, combing her hair. "Oh, hi, Akiha-chan. Good afternoon!" She greets me with her usual, pleasant, warm smile. A smile that could steal a man's heart.

"Good afternoon, Hanepin," I tell her, smiling myself. "Is Souka here still?" I walk over to my bed and set my bag down at the foot of it once more, then I lay down on it, pulling the pillow under my head, and then turning my head towards her.

"Her? No. She got dragged into doing some stuff." She turns back towards the mirror and resumes combing her brown hair.

Souka dragged into doing things? Well... uncommon, yes, but unusual, certainly not. Even Tsukihime Souka does things from time to time... then again, maybe she just lied to Hanei and wanted to get out of the dorm for a little while.

...Maybe she figured I would probably not like seeing her for the rest of the day as well, which suits me just as good, really. I will get over our conversation by tomorrow... truth be told, I am mostly over it now, so Souka is simply being prudent and avoiding stressing me further, a sense of hers that has always been oddly keen and I have come to appreciate.

"Ah. Then I will stay for a little while. How was your weekend, Hanei?" I casually kick off my shoes, allowing my feet to gain much-needed air. I flex my toes a few times to get the circulation going.

"Oh, that? Was nice." Her reflection smiles in the mirror. "We all came back, but Akira-chan was a little jumpy Sunday." She glances at me in the reflection of the mirror. "Do you know why, Akiha-chan? It's not like Akira-chan to be like that."

...Well, I know fully why, but unlike Souka, Hanei would be the type to accidentally blurt out things she is told... and I have a feeling that if word of that doujinshi got out, not only would several girls be giving me hungry eyes... I have a feeling that a devilish few would pay Seo very good money to make them a copy so they could keep it... or worse, scan it... and I would prefer something like that to **NOT** make it to the internet.

Therefore, it would be best not to tell her.

"Did she say why, Hanei?" I stall for time a little more... but it also serves to tell me just how much of this Hanei knows.

"Nah. She said she forgot something though, and when she came back, she was fine, so she must've found whatever it was. Then she had to go to... ummmmm..." She thinks for a moment, having lost her train of thought. "...to the doctor's, I think. That's why she wasn't here today."

"Yes, I know," I reply. "I came in and talked with Souka before our classes. You were still sleeping or I would have talked with you, as well." I sort of wish Hanei had been awake... at least for when Souka began questioning me like a police detective questions a criminal. And grinning like a lunatic skull while she did...

"Awwwww." Hanei pouts. "That's no fair, Akiha-chan. Wake me up next time!"

"You appeared to be having a pleasant dream. It would be an injustice to interrupt such a pleasant dream... come to think of it... what were you dreaming, anyway?" The sudden curiosity as to what Misawa Hanei dreams piques me.

Hanei simply giggles. "Let's just say it was something good, Akiha-chan!" She beams and smiles slightly, knowingly, to herself.

"It must have been, Hanei. You were drooling and mumbling in your sleep." This is, of course, a rather unfair breach of Hanei's privacy, but perhaps it will get me my answers.

"Hey!" She she turns around and glares at me, hands on her hips and her brush still in one of her hands. "I couldn't help it that he was feeling me up, alright?ǃ"

…...Bingo. Hanei is easy to gain information from.

"Ah, a naughty dream, was it? Were you dreaming of boys taking off that lacy bra you bought?" I cross my arms on the bed and look at her more directly, smirking slightly, as I watch Hanei's brain begin to realize she had blurted it out.

_Blink. Blink._

...Then the color begins to fill her cheeks and face. "Th-That wasn't it, Akiha-chan!" She quickly turns her back towards me once more, and moves so that I can no longer see her reflection in the mirror.

I cannot help but laugh to myself slightly. Even though Hanei is a little slow to catch up, she is still able to experience such dreams. Perhaps one day, she will experience the real thing.

...Then again.

When will I?

I am still yet to find one I love. I certainly will not find it here; the only males here are some professors. And the fact they are all old enough to be my father is... disturbing to me.

Obviously, I will not find a male here. This is an all-girls school. The only type of males I would find here are those aforementioned professors, who are far too old and not my sort of taste at all... or more masculine females, like Tsukihime Souka.

...But, that is not what I am talking about. I cannot have either of those for a partner. There was one time where I was betrothed to someone, a man named Kugamine Tonami, but he was... well, displeasing and disgusting to me. Far older than I was. Short. Fat, though I do not think I would care about that so much, surprisingly, as at least weight can change.

He was my fiance, and although I knew it was destined to be an unhappy pairing, good graces and Otou-sama's demands as head of the Tohno demanded that I accept it. For what it is worth, even though I felt rather ill at ease around him, he never dared to overstep his boundaries, and he did not treat me unfairly... though I wonder how long it would have lasted.

Anyway, in either case, once Otou-sama died and I became head of the Tohno, he was among the first to go. I had no intention of marrying him willingly, and now that the choice of that was left in my hands, I saw no reason to continue such an engagement. He will find someone else, I am sure.

At the same time... whomever I do have as a true partner... they would have to understand me. Not just the exterior Tohno Akiha, but the real Tohno Akiha. The slightly vulnerable Tohno Akiha. The dark side of Tohno Akiha. They must understand all of these things, and more.

Nii-san could understand them. Perhaps that is why I love Nii-san...?

I do not think I would be a horribly difficult woman to live with. I mean... I have my flaws, yes, because to be human is to be flawed. Neither human nor demon are ever fully perfect existences. To have a perfect existence, in short, would be to be a god, and things such as gods in the traditional sense do not exist.

But... on the whole... I really think I just have high expectations for myself and for others, and I will not allow those to be compromised. There are demands I make on myself, and demands I make on others... but they are not obscene demands, or impossible ones. On the whole, as long as I had someone who could meet those demands, and who would generally understand who I am and my fate, and be willing to take it on with them, I think I would be capable of loving them completely even if they were not the most handsome, or rugged, or masculine.

Because... someone who could wholly understand and accept me, even after they know about my cursed blood... that would be something so rare that it is not something that one just allows.

Petty things such as physical attributes are things that can, within certain limits, change. While someone cannot usually grow taller or shorter, for example, their physical fitness and abilities can change. However... things such as a person's mindset, their mentality, their ability to view the world from their unique perspective...

…...That is what makes me, me. And it is what makes Hanei, Hanei, and everyone else, who they are. A person's personality usually does not change suddenly, sharply, or dramatically as their physical side can, and on the whole... I would rather have someone who could understand Tohno Akiha's mind, rather than Tohno Akiha's body. For while I think I am, at the least, pretty... I admit that my body is not as nice as I would like it to be. Dancing lessons have shaped and firmed up my legs and my rear, but it is useless on my chest...

...And that is probably why most males do not even give me a second glance. For they would prefer a girl like Hanei – someone who is very physically pretty and who would find herself a bit dependent on them. This way, she can be shown off, and they can be sure she will always be by their side.

...As opposed to me, who would likely take charge in a relationship and make my demands and expectations clear. Most men are not ready for those sorts of women, and they know they would throw them off. Thus, most men do not have an interest in me.

...That could be why I love Nii-san, too. Because he understood even this part of me...

…...My thoughts are interrupted when I hear the noise of a car horn outside. I look at the clock in our room. My driver is here. 4 PM, right on schedule.

"I have to go now, Hanei. Please give Souka my regards, and if you see Seo, tell her I wish to speak to her tomorrow." I stand up, collect my bag, and put my shoes back on. "Have a pleasant day, Hanei."

"Uhh... alright, Akiha-chan!" She flashes me a quick smile, since her face color has returned to more or less normal. "Have a good day too. See you tomorrow, Akiha-chan!"

I smile slightly myself as I head out of the dorm room to my limousine that will take me home.

* * *

That Seo... she's a sneaky one. Always the type to look out for.  
But, she cannot avoid me forever.  
One way or the other... I will get my answers!

* * *

Next Week (9/12/10) – Chapter 15: "Neapolitan Blues"


	15. Neapolitan Blues

Chapter 15: "Neapolitan Blues"

* * *

I arrive home around 5:30 in the evening. The sun is just setting, and it gives a pleasant orange glow to the surrounding grasses and the facade of the Tohno Mansion. I fish my keys out of my pocket, but the door is opened before I am able to open it.

I am greeted by a rather interesting sight.

That sight is of Hisui cleaning the mansion. This in and of itself is not unusual, as that is what Hisui always does.

What is unusual is that of Yumizuka Satsuki having opened the door. It looks like she has borrowed one of Kohaku's old kimonos.

I blink at it. I never really thought about it until now, but seeing her like that... I realize that Yumizuka Satsuki is the perfect kind of girl to wear a kimono. Even though she wears one of Kohaku's, it looks as if it was made – no, destined – for her to wear.

Hisui looks up from her mopping. "Ah. Good evening, Akiha-sama." Yumizuka-san nods head her head after hearing Hisui's comment. I notice her eyes are brown at the moment. She smiles. "Yes, good evening, Akiha-san."

"Good evening," I say to the two without much emotion in my voice. It is not that I am feeling emotionless tonight - rather, it is that I am shocked to see that Yumizuka-san would take to such work readily. One look at her and it is almost like she was here for years.

...Then again, considering the alternative, I think even I would do such work if it meant I gained what I have given her.

I snap out of my stupor soon enough.

"Right. Ah, I think I will go prepare something for us to eat. Hisui, you are surely hungry." I look to Hisui.

"Yes, Akiha-sama." She bows slightly, while blushing. Hisui is still rather afraid to cook, so often Nii-san or I do the cooking for us. It must be a bit embarrassing for her, a maid, to defer to cooking in favor of her mistress, generally.

However, as it is usually only me and her, with Len and Nii-san only occasionally, it is not much of a bother. The alternative are plum and vinegar sandwiches... well, not really. Hisui's cooking has improved, at least, to the point where it is palatable, if unremarkable. Although occasionally, she will still manage to surprise us with her, shall we say, otherworldly sense of taste?

However, we now have a new face in the mansion. One who I am quite sure would even eat what Hisui would prepare... which is actually rather terrifying, when you think about it.

Yumizuka Satsuki has had to run from everyone and everything she knew and loved, and had to deal with the very real possibility that she may never have it back again. This includes simple things like safety, shelter, and, yes, even food.

"Yumizuka-san? Are you hungry as well?" I look to the brown-haired girl standing just a few feet away from me.

"Well," she begins, standing up fully and stretching. "The only thing I ever really hunger for is blood, but I would still like to eat normal food... if that's no problem, that is." She speaks the last part somewhat timidly, as if to say it is okay to refuse her simple request.

Nothing further could be from my mind.

"It is no problem at all, Yumizuka-san. Very well," I say with a smile as I throw some of my hair behind my shoulder. "Hisui, has Len been around lately?"

"Kuro Neko-san?"* Yumizuka-san asks me before Hisui can answer.

"Ah, yes. Len is... well, she is a bit different as well." Then again, life in the Tohno mansion is a different life from the lives most lead.

"She didn't seem that different to me," Yumizuka-san replies. "Anyway, I caught her staring at the strawberry shortcake that was sitting out, and so I cut her a small slice and put it on a plate. She seemed quite happy to eat it." She smiles happily.

Why? That is simple. Yumizuka Satsuki was finally able to help someone, instead of hurt them for a change. Such a simple thing as granting a familiar a few moments of happiness is enough to help along her own healing.

...It is rather sad, when one thinks about it subjectively, that for the last year, Yumizuka Satsuki has been forced to do some very bad things just to survive. Even if she did not drink from people or animals, she would have needed blood in some way, shape, or fashion. There is no avoiding this state, as she is a vampire. If she does not procure blood, she will eventually enter a state called a "feeding frenzy." In this state, she would attack the first warm-blooded creature she could find, and she would drink it dry.

Sanity would return only to be staring into the face of an ashen, pale corpse.

...The image of Hisui from my nightmares returns. White skin. Maroon lips...

…...I quickly shake it from my head.

"Yes, Len is fond of strawberry. She will likely be fine, then." Regardless, I will make a little extra just in case. It is always better to be over-prepared than under-prepared. "Very well. Then please clean hard so that you may earn your dinner properly. It should be done in about..." I look at the clock in the foyer. 5:37 PM. "...6:45 PM. I will inform the both of you when it is prepared. If you will excuse me, then." I smile, politely nod, and walk off towards the kitchen.

I am still in my school outfit, but that is fine. It is easier to cook in this than my regular clothing. Plus, while I have spare school uniforms, replacing my regular dress will not be so easy. I am too fond of it. At least with my school uniforms, I have several spares in case something happens. My favorite blouse and dress... not so many. I only have two of those, and for some reason they are extraordinarily difficult to find in my size.

Lasagna, I think it is called. It is a fairly simple dish. Simple enough for me to construct, anyway. It is merely layers of pasta, cheese, and some sauces. I decide I will put a little bit of ground beef into the tomato sauce, as that will probably be a little more nutritious and give it some additional texture and flavor compared to just cheese and pasta.

I roll up the sleeves on my uniform, and get to work.

* * *

An hour later, I pull it out carefully, having put the oven mitts firmly over my hands. I quickly place it on the counter, before the intense heat can permeate the gloves. I may enjoy heat, but there is a difference between a nice, hot bath, and an oven at 190 degrees centigrade.

"...Haa." I breathe a sigh of relief.

So far, it looks about as it should and smells about as it should. It smells cooked, and steam wafts off of the top of it.

Well then. I should dish it out.

Carefully, I cut squares out of the large pan, lifting them out. Well-cooked meat, cheese, and sauce in layers greet my eyes.

Absolutely perfect. I silently smile with pride.

Kohaku would likely be very proud of the job I did on this. Successfully making this dish means that I have placed the right amounts of ingredients inside. There is not too much cheese to reduce it to a stringy mess. There is not so much meat that it is spilling out, but instead it remains nicely compacted in its own layer. The noodles are cooked enough that it is able to withstand the weight of the various layers above, and none of them are undercooked, nor overcooked.

With this, I put servings on three plates that I pulled down about ten minutes ago, and then I bring them out to the dining table. I put Hisui's in her usual seating place, and mine in mine, but as I do not know where Yumizuka-san will like to sit, I put hers across from me for now.

"Hisui and Yumizuka-san, please stop and have some food. Dinner is ready." I call downstairs.

I can hear their footsteps approaching, but Yumizuka-san literally runs up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Ironically, the one who should no longer hunger for food appears the more hungry of the two. Keeping in mind her situation, as well as the fact that this is her first "human" meal in the last year, I decide to be tolerant of this for now, as well as the fact that she so recklessly ran up the stairs, but I will not allow it to be a regularity.

"Ah. Yumizuka-san, I have placed your plate here for now, but if you would like to sit elsewhere at the table, please feel free to move it." I offer her the choice, so as to be accommodating to her.

"No, this is fine, Akiha-san. Thank you." She smiles slightly, and sits carefully in her chair at approximately the same time Hisui does.

Hisui looks at me. "Lasagna, Akiha-sama? Your cooking is beginning to progress." Hisui blushes slightly in embarrassment. Perhaps she realizes that, of all of the regular inhabitants of the house, Yumizuka-san aside of course, as she is new, she is the only one whose cooking is not quite as nice as she would like it to be.

"Hisui, if you wish to learn to be a better cook, all you have to do is learn alongside me when Kohaku teaches me. You are not going to become a better cook by simply desiring to be one, you must learn it." I place the forks down for both Hisui and Yumizuka-san. "It would not trouble myself for you to be there, and I seriously doubt Kohaku would mind teaching you how to be a better cook, either. After all, someday you will leave my employ, and you will want to be able to cook for your husband, will you not?" I smile slightly.

"...Yes. Of course, Akiha-sama." Hisui blushes deeply as she bows her head slightly. "I will consider it." She claps her hands. "Itadakimasu." With this, she begins to eat.

I turn my attention back towards Yumizuka-san. "And you, Yumizu–"

Yumizuka-san is staring at her plate like it is a five-star gourmet meal. Like she had died and gone to food heaven, perhaps.

...Seeing her with a hungry look in her eyes, and knowing it is my food that is causing that, makes heat and blood rise to fill my cheeks a little.

"It looks so good..." I hear her softly say. For some strange reason, I believe I can hear her mouth watering.

I know for a fact I just heard a stomach growl. And I know it was not mine, or Hisui's.

I smile, and laugh a little in embarrassment. "W, Well then, Yumizuka-san. Please, go ahead and eat. You do not need to wait for me to begin." I swallow hard, and try to will the blood from my cheeks.

"I-I don't? Well then... Itadakimasu!" And she digs in eagerly.

No... eagerly is too weak of a word. Ravenously?

…...No, that will not do either.

How do I put this then...? Ah, I got it.

The way she begins eating it, I think it could have been burnt, smoking, gray, tough as old shoe leather, smelled like a corpse, and tasted probably as pleasant... and Yumizuka-san would have still eaten it.

"...Itadakimasu," I say quietly to myself, and I begin to eat in kind, before I lose my appetite. I cut a small corner off of my piece of lasagna, lift it to my lips, and enclose my mouth around it.

...I chew a few times, and evaluate my own cooking.

...It is actually quite good. I think I would have preferred slightly more cheese, but it is far from inedible. I will have to remember this the next time I prepare it. On the whole though... far from inedible, and certainly something I can be proud of making.

After a few moments, Hisui starts up a conversation about how quickly Yumizuka-san and she had been able to clean the house. Apparently, Yumizuka-san took to cleaning quite well, and Yumizuka-san comments how Hisui made things a lot easier on her, as well. The conversation is polite and warm. It seems that Hisui and Yumizuka-san get along quite well.

"Yumizuka-san, are you adjusting well to here?" I ask before I insert another forkful of lasagna into my mouth.

She swallows hers before speaking. "I am. It is a large place, Akiha-san. If it is just you and Hisui-san, and occasionally Kohaku-san and Tohno-kun, why is it so large?" Her brown eyes blink a little. She is curious about this place... but well, I cannot blame her for this. It **IS** a little unusual for such a large place to house so few people, is it not?

"Ah, well, before Otou-sama passed away, a lot more people and servants were here. When he passed on, I desired some more privacy, so I sent all of them away and reassigned the servants, keeping only Hisui and Kohaku." I state truthfully, and matter-of-factly.

"I see," she says as she takes another mouthful of Lasagna into her mouth, as if it was the most precious thing in the world right now.

...I feel a little proud that it has made her a little happy, at least.

"What about you, Yumizuka-san? What was your life like before your... well, your change? Ah, but please do not answer if it is too painful." I inquire. I do not want to pressure the girl into divulging herself. Even though I felt that I should be open towards her so that she knows what she is getting into, I should not expect similar standards from such a person.

Yumizuka-san shakes her head. "No, I've... accepted it now." She sighs sadly. "Well... mom worked as a nurse, and dad died some time ago." She sighs. "I've left her alone now." For a brief moment, a pang of sadness and regret crosses her face.

A look that makes me feel very bad about asking her such a question. This is making me a little sad.

...I do not want Yumizuka-san to be sad like that. It makes my heart wrench firmly inside my breast.

"I will try to inform her that you are okay, but she might not want to see you, due to your... affliction." I quickly and firmly state. "Though, I am trying to do something about that, too..."

"Eh?" Yumizuka-san blinks at me.

"Well, vampirism is really just a disease like any other. The tricky aspect of it is that it changes your body's genetic structure, similar to other diseases. It makes it sensitive to sunlight and changes your body's nutritional needs. If we can reverse that, then it is possible we can cure you, but this is no guarantee. If given the–"

"I'll do it," she says before I can even offer.

"–choice..." I finish. "...Well... alright then. I shall see what I can do." I look to her, as if seeking approval.

She blinks for a few moments, before she speaks.

"Thank you, Akiha-san." She smiles happily. It is a contagious smile, much like Hanei's.

* * *

After dinner, it is time to groom myself. I take care of bodily needs, shower, and change, before going through the mail. Nii-san should have sent a letter today, but it is unlikely that it will get here until tomorrow. Still, I look.

…...No, there is nothing. Just the usual letters from branch families...

I sigh.

I have no interest in reading them, but read them I must. It looks like another long night of signing papers for Tohno Akiha.

Really... how could you forget, Nii-san?ǃ You know I was waiting for your letter most of all! You ignorant... argh! I cannot even think of a good thing to call him right now! That idiot...

I will have to give him a stern talking-to when I get home. If he must go with Ciel-san on these missions to help her out, then that is fine, but... I would really like for him to remember that he has **SOME** people in this world who care about him, even if Curry-senpai does not.

I walk over to my desk and set the stack of papers down on them. At least I shall get to try out my new fountain pen. I look at it for a moment, and note that it is well-made. It fits my hand well.

...Well then. I should uncap it, and begin.

I get to work. I give a cursory glance of perhaps ten or fifteen second per paper before I settle the issues simply.

Signed, Tohno Akiha. Assent. Signed, Tohno Akiha. Assent. Si– wait. "Permission to eliminate known plotter?" This one, I do more than glance over, and read.

…...This is ludicrous. Signed, Tohno Akiha. Rejected.

A knock interrupts my working. I turn to the door slightly. "Enter."

Yumizuka-san walks in. She is out of Kohaku's maid outfit now, and is in her cleaned school outfit. It seems it has been repaired by Hisui, as well. It does not look so bad, although obviously, not as good as new... although I doubt she will ever get a new one.

"Ah. Yumizuka-san. What is it?" I set my pen down.

"Akiha-san... did... you really mean what you said?" The brown-haired girl blinks before me, and asks this question as if she were a lost child.

"About?" I inquire.

"...About a cure." She pushes her fingers together.

"...Of course, Yumizuka-san," I reply. "I would never dare to insult you by kidding about something like that... and truth be told, it would benefit us, the Tohno, as well, for it would be the base for an attempt to cure our genetic predisposition to the Inversion Impulse. I do not know if what we have will work for you, but I shall try."

Yumizuka-san looks like she is about to cry. "...I don't know how to repay your generosity..."

"Do not worry about that," I tell her. "If I had killed 'him' as I planned on doing originally, you would have never been bitten, so it is partially my fault that you are what you are." I sigh, looking away slightly in regret. If only I had been able to get to him sooner... "...Also, having an ally such as yourself can be useful if things go sour. Hisui is not exactly a fighter. Kohaku is only okay at it. Nii-san is wonderful, but he is not here very often. Therefore, we both benefit from this."

Yumizuka-san simply blinks. She looks like she is thinking, but about what, I am unsure. She bites her lip slightly.

…...Did the suggestion I just made offend her?

"...Sorry. That was not right for me to do. I will not involve you in our own petty squabbles or things like that. Forgive me, Yumizuka-san." I apologize wholeheartedly to her, and turn back to my papers.

"...Hey, Akiha-san...?" I can hear her as she walks over to me.

"...Yes, Yumizuka-san?" I turn slightly in my chair to look at her as she walks over.

...And just like that, she springs with frightening speed...!

...Into a hug...?

A tight embrace...

...Yumizuka's clothing is still warm from coming out of the dryer. As is her body. Strange. Are not vampires supposed to gain body heat from the blood of others? It is why I drank Kohaku's, partially...

I blink slightly as she presses me against her body. Why...? Why would she want to embrace someone who she has barely even met, who she barely even knows...?

"...I can't thank you enough, Akiha-san. Tohno-kun was right about you... you're tough on the outside, but inside, you're kind to those who you want to be kind to." She says this in a tone of sincerity, one that can only come from someone speaking from the very bottom of their hearts.

...I blink. Nii-san... said that about me?

But, I am sharpest of all to Nii-san. He is older than me by approximately 11 months, so why...?

I do not realize it, but Yumizuka-san holds me close to her for quite some time. I am not sure of exactly how long before she pulls away.

With a smile, she says "Thank you, Akiha-san" once more, and departs, leaving me aswirl in my thoughts.

* * *

That night, as I laid down in my bed, that scene continues to replay through my head, over and over.

"_Tohno-kun was right about you... you're tough on the outside, but inside, you're kind to those who you want to be kind to."_ Her honest, heartfelt feelings.

...It was nothing, really, just simple human compassion. It was hardly something to be making such a big deal out of it, so...

...Why is she? Is she really that happy over what I said I would do? It is a simple thing for us, really, especially talking with her mother, but...

…...It is like she is wholly accepting and trusting of me now. Of a stranger. Of someone whom she did not even know twenty-four hours ago.

...Is she really that lonely? Is this all that Yumizuka Satsuki needed, someone to treat her with simple dignity and kindness?

...And she could find nobody to give it to her?

How... horrible. How simply horrible, and unfair.

Yumizuka Satsuki certainly has not asked for anything that has happened to her to happen, but the simple fact is that, with only a few exceptions, even monsters have some humanity inside them.

The key element, then, is not to treat them as monsters. Do not dismiss them in that way. No. Think of them as simply "lapsed humans" for lack of a better phrase. And if you do that, the humanity may come right back to the surface.

That is why it worked so easily and simply on Yumizuka-san. She does not want to be a vampire... therefore, I simply will not regard her as one. I will simply consider her as a human teenaged girl, similar to myself, who just so happens to need a little bit of blood every day to live and function.

Yes. That is the plan I will follow. Because Yumizuka Satsuki is a vampire in name only, certainly not in action or thought.

I sigh as I turn over in my bed, my mind preoccupied in my thoughts and my emotions, even as I laid down.

As I begin to drift off to sleep and my eyes close, I make myself a promise.

That promise is a simple one, but one I swear by and will hold myself to at all possible costs.

"...I will help you the best that I can, Yumizuka-san."

It is the last thought that goes through my brain before my consciousness switches off for the next several hours.

* * *

* Kuro Neko-san: Literally means "Black Cat", but said in a polite manner. This is what Satsuki calls Len.

* * *

...How could Yumizuka-san become so close to me that quickly?  
We... are both monsters. She should know that just as well as I.  
Is simple compassion and empathy truly a rarity in this world...?

* * *

Next week (9/19/10) – Chapter 16: "Rainbow Sky"


	16. Rainbow Sky

**A Brief Author's Note**

**

* * *

**Ah, once again, I'm forced to clutter up space and artificially inflate wordcount by answering comments by an anon reviewer.

While I don't mind anon reviews (really, I don't!) the problem is when those anon reviewers ask _**questions.**_ I can't reply to anon reviews, folks, so if you have actual questions, I have no way of telling you the reasons or logic behind various things. If you're going to have such questions, _**please**_ either sign up for an account here (so I can send a reply PM - I always reply to any story-based PM I get as long as it's not silly!) or register on this fic's "home away from home" on Beast's Lair, and leave your questions in the **[FF] Tsukihime: Of Leaves and Lilac** Topic in its **Type-Moon Fanworks** forum.

Now, to answer that anon reviewer: Yumizuka Satsuki does not want to be reminded she is a vampire, at all. That is why she was more than happy to scarf normal food - after all, Vampires have no need for normal food, just blood. Her warm body? Simple - notice her clothes were clean. That means someone was repairing them (Hisui) and it also means that Sacchin was showering or bathing during that time - it'd be normal for her to be warm from the hot water, wouldn't it? As for the eyes? This does flip-flop in her scenes in Tsukhiime. My logic is that when she's calmer and happier, they tend to be brown. If she's stressed, angered, tired, etc... that's when they become her now-natural red eye color.

Anyway... enough of that. Most of you came here to read Chapter 16 and not my explanations, right? I'd better get on that, then...

* * *

Chapter 16: "Rainbow Sky"  
Tuesday, October 29, 2002

* * *

The next day I awaken in good spirits. I get up and shower, washing my hair and my body, and ensuring it is clean. The bruise Seo had left has completely disappeared now, as has the one I received nearly a month ago, I note, as I wash myself.

I look at my naked form in the mirror once more, and then with a sigh, I begin to get dressed in my seifuku.

One thing is for certain...

Seo had better be there today.

She ducked out on my yesterday. That is unacceptable. Yesterday was the day I had intended to get answers to my questions. If she is absent again today, then she had better be either deathly ill, or comatose.

Because if she is avoiding me... it will be more than fat I shall be removing. She will be lucky to get away with minor limb loss.

I walk out to the kitchen afterward, to find that Hisui has prepared a small breakfast.

...Well, perhaps "prepared" is a bit too extravagant. It is simply toast and cold cereal. But Hisui is trying, and I suppose that is really the important factor.

More interestingly, Yumizuka-san is there, eating it like it was, as they say, going out of style. Oftentimes, she will take a small sip of her blood pack, followed by several spoonfuls of cereal.

Curiously, I look at what she is eating. The box says "Count Chocula."

I laugh at the irony. This causes her to turn towards me, rapidly finish chewing the cereal, and swallow so she may speak. "What's so funny, Akiha-san?" is what she asks when she can.

"It is just the irony of a vampire eating a cereal whose mascot is a cartoon vampire," I say. "I did not mean to offend your table manners if that is what you were thinking." Although they are somewhat poor, again, I cannot blame Yumizuka-san for this. I would think even my manners would be poorer, had I not eaten food for a year.

"Ah, it's no big deal. But I'll try to refine my table manners, so please be patient, Akiha-san." She smiles slightly.

"Eh...?" I blink. Has she... read my mind?

"Well, I noticed how you looked at me yesterday and today. I'm guessing you're concerned about how I eat?" Reddish eyes look back at me.

"...Ah..." She is perceptive, then. "...I did not intend to make a fuss out of it, Yumizuka-san... but since you noticed, yes. At the same time, it has been a year, so I do not expect you to dine with large amounts of etiquette... and besides, you come from a working-class background, not a high-class one, so I do not expect you to just instantly know such things."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks for being patient, Akiha-san. I'm working on it." She says with a smile, and scoops another mouthful of cereal inside.

"...By the way, Yumizuka-san... your eyes keep changing color?" I ask.

"Oh. Uh, yeah... they kinda tend to become red when I'm angry or tired or something like that."

…...Of course. As a vampire, while I am just rising to start my day, Yumizuka Satsuki would be preparing to go to sleep. She can function during the day if necessary, but it is rather like how most humans would function at night – with considerably reduced efficiency. Going directly out in the sun, however, would begin affecting and burning her badly.

There are those few who can withstand the sun; they are called "Dead Apostle Ancestors" according to Ciel-san's conversations with me. A god among vampires, with unique and deadly powers. These are, however, few and far between – there are only, at most, 27 at any given time.

Yumizuka Satsuki is not one of these…... yet. In the future, though, it may be possible...

...Well, it would obviously be best to have someone like that on my side as opposed to against me. If this is all it takes to earn her trust and loyalty, it is but a simple thing to offer.

But, I am not doing this just to gain a possible powerful ally, really... I am doing this because I want to.

I smile to myself.

"Please have a pleasant rest, Yumizuka-san. I shall see the both of you when I get home." I grab two slices of toast, and head out towards my driver, to begin another day.

* * *

I walk into my dorm room after knocking softly. After being yesterday's sleeping beauty, today Hanei is up with Souka, combing her hair. Hanei, of course, has significantly more hair to comb than Souka, who merely prefers to tie hers back in a ponytail when class is not in session, or simply comb it down when she is. Right now, she is doing just that, as ponytails are "improper etiquette" for Asagami. To be fair, this is a rule they are considering revoking, since it is a bit old-fashioned, and even some of the female staff have expressed that they would like to wear ponytails.

"Mornin' Tohno," Souka offers, somewhat tiredly.  
"Good Morning, Akiha-chan!" Hanei is considerably less subdued.

"Souka, Hanei." I acknowledge them in kind. "Has Seo been fluttering around yet?" I put my bag on the table, and look over myself in the mirror in between these two. My bow is a bit lopsided, so I begin to straighten it.

"Yeah, already saw her," offers Souka. "Looked none worse for the wear, so I guess her appointment went well." Her brush snags, and she tugs on it hard, hissing slightly as some hair presumably rips from her scalp.

"I hope so," I counter. "I have been a little anxious to talk to her."

"About what, Akiha-chan?" Hanei looks at me.

Souka begins to speak up. "Well, yesterday, Tohno came in talking ab–"

I shoot Souka a look, and mime the pouring of bleach.

"–Er, well, perhaps it's better if she tells you herself," she says with a slight laugh, neatly dodging the question.

I smile happily. Souka's clothes will retain their blue shade…... for now. "It is nothing serious, Hanei. She had asked me to give a message to Nii-san, and I am simply replying to her." A blatant lie.

"Awwww, that's all?" Hanei pouts. "I was hoping it'd be something ultra-secret!" Hanei looks sorely disappointed.

…...Well, it is something secret, of course. Souka and Kohaku are the only other people who really know. But Kohaku would not have the chance to tell Seo. Souka would, but that bleach threat proved to be good enough.

"I shall try to find her around lunch, then," I say as I sit on my bed and stretch.

I do have a bed here in the room, for the times I am here. Usually I am at home as I am more comfortable there, but occasionally I will stay over on the campus for some reason or another. It is nice to know that I do not need to intrude upon Hanei or Souka or Seo's sleeping spaces just to gain necessary rest.

"How'd you do yesterday, Tohno? Never got to talk to you again." Souka looks at me while she straightens out the pleats of her skirt. Her clothes are no doubt thanking her, for she does not mention what made me storm out of the room.

"Ah, that. I did about as well as I would expect to do. Most of the class was behind me, with the usual slower ones lacking. They will not last here much longer if it keeps up." I say with a slight smile. A smile that hints very, very carefully to watch her words.

…It is odd, though.

Usually the students who slack off and find themselves removed from here are those who have attitudes like Souka's. Yet Souka's grades are often around the top of her class. She is someone who could get perfect grades if she truly set her mind out to it, and yet, in line with her general laid-back attitude, she doesn't strive to be the top. She does her work well, yet not to the point that she sees being the top in class as her only goal.

"Souka, how do you manage?" I ask her honestly.

"Huh, me?" She looks at me. "Well, I just know when to be serious and when to kick back, Tohno. I ain't a slacker." She grins slightly.

"No interest in being the head of the class?" I lay my back against the wall.

"Nah. Why should I?" She finishes combing her hair down, and runs her fingers through it. "So that I can say 'I'm better than you are, get used to it?' That's bullshit. This isn't a race to the top. You should just do what you need to do, and do the best you can, but all that sort of crap is, is bragging rights, and I never really cared about any of that fluff."

"...I suppose not," I say as I look at her and Hanei.

While Hanei looks very attractive in her sailor suit, most would say that it is somewhat less befitting for Souka. It is not really Souka's fault, I would say – in fact, I think she honestly looks rather good in a medium-length skirt or a dress. She looks rather attractive in our seifuku, for example.

The reason why Souka probably does not like dressing in such a way is likely a combination of factors. Her generally small size, combined with somewhat large eyes and her desire to keep her hair generally short and close-cropped to an extent, make her seem more like a crossdressing prepubescent boy than a teenaged girl, if she were in more feminine clothing.

Then there is also the fact that she tends to speak and act rather masculine at times. She does not believe in things such as flowers, or romantic dating, or any of those sorts of things. Souka would not want to be wined or dined. To her, a relationship would probably work best with someone who was as simple and relaxed as she were, with someone who could match her mindset.

A date with Souka would probably be, say, ordering some food by delivery, and simply watching a movie or something. No huge pomp or circumstance, no expensive, gourmet meals. 2500 yen worth of delivery, and perhaps another 500 or 750 to rent a movie for a few days. Nothing majorly expensive.

…...Come to think of it, I would perhaps look a bit like a male if I cut my hair. I much prefer it long, though. Not just for attractiveness reasons, but also because of the nature of my abilities. Unlike Souka, I do try to maintain a look of femininity – I am female, after all. I could never see myself in, say, shorts, or hoodies as Souka wears. If it came down to an emergency or something, obviously, that is different, but as that look is her style, I believe my long, red dress is mine.

That said, I do envy the fact that Souka is able to be done with brushing her hair much sooner than I could ever hope to be. It does take myself and Hanei a good fifteen minutes to go carefully through our hair... ten if we really rush and do not mind a little momentary pain to get rid of snarls in it.

"Oh yeah! Akiha-chan, a boy talked to me yesterday!" Hanei smiles beamingly.

"Oh? Where was this, Hanepin?" I cross my arms and look at her. It is not that I doubt her, but it would mean she would have had to leave the campus for some reason or another.

"Ah, a few of us decided to go have something to eat off-campus. The boys kept staring at us, and one got the nerve to ask my name." She giggles.

Hanei really is a sweet girl. Her kindness and general happiness is very hard to ignore, and feeling depressed with her around is something that one would have to be really, truly hurt to maintain for long. Her smile simply warms people's hearts, and there would probably be many people in the world who would do things just to gain such a smile from such a beauty.

The downside of this... is that she is, shall we say, naïve. Hanei's family kept her rather sheltered from the male sex, so males are not something she has very much experience with. That is part of the reason why Souka and I ensure that we look out for her, to protect her from falling into someone's sex-crazed hands, and they would treat her as just an object for their selfish, carnal desires.

Or worse, that if it happens, that I find out about it and who is doing it, because if I do... they will not be doing it for much longer if I catch them. Indeed, they will be regretting that they ever hurt her in that way. I will not kill them... no, I am not that cruel. But by the time I would get through with this male-in-body-only, every time he sees any girl, he will be remembering what I did to him.

It will either drive them to celibacy, or homosexuality. Either will suffice, as it will not be affecting Hanei anymore.

"I see. You told him, I'm assuming?" My arms tighten their folding slightly.

"Yup! Gave him my name, and a phone number!" She finishes combing her hair, and runs her hands through the long, brown body of it.

"...We do not have phones here, Hanei." Well, minus the cell phones, but those are private... and technically still only to be used in emergencies.

"Home number, silly!" She hums happily as she runs her hands through her hair.

"...This boy... would he have been one I would have said something about?" I ask her straightforwardly.

"Huh...?" She looks at me and blinks. "…...Uhhhh, well, I don't think you would've had a problem with him, Akiha-chan." She begins counting off on her fingers. "He wasn't with any other guys. He seemed a bit nervous when he talked. He kept looking at my face. He didn't use the words 'baby' or 'honey' or anything like that. And he told me his name too."

"...Ah." Hanei remembered the five rules that Souka and I had set out for her, to try to minimize her exposure to such harmful men. Obviously, we cannot be around Hanei at all times, but despite her naïvete, Hanei is very good at following directions.

Well, I would suppose that if this boy was nervous and shy too, perhaps he is someone who is genuinely interested in Misawa Hanei, the person, and not merely what Misawa Hanei's "places that cannot be seen" look like. If that is the case, then I should only need to get a look at him once, perhaps twice, to determine his intentions.

Hanei deserves to find love too, after all, and someday she will be getting engaged and married. I do not know when that will be, but right now, I can help put ideas into her mind that would get her smarter about choosing out a man in the future for herself to marry.

"Well, good luck to you, Hanepin. Keep me informed about how it all turns out." I smile for her. "And perhaps if you really like him, then sometime, I would like to meet him, to see if he is as charming as you would claim he would be."

"'kay Akiha-chan!" She giggles slightly.

Of course, even after we are done with school, however, I will be more than glad to assist Hanei or Souka in any way possible. One does not let good friends like these go so easily.

Or, for that matter, Seo…...

"…...As for me, I am going to have some breakfast. Would either of you like to come?" I stand up off my bed and stretch slightly. This uniform is starting to get a bit small, as the faintest line of my abdomen becomes visible when I stretch as hard as I can with my arms above my head. To be fair, I have had it for most of last year, and my other ones are newer and fit me better. Hmm. Perhaps it's time to retire this one soon...

"Sorry Tohno, already ate," Souka says. "And you know Hanei, she'll finish grooming herself with 30 seconds to spare." Indeed, Hanei is now putting on some light perfume.

This is true. Souka tends to eat the first thing out of the shower, often before she dresses; the sight of Souka in a bra and panties, nibbling on some breakfast roll, is not a foreign sight to my eyes, even though I tell her that she should dress more just in case we have some random visitor.

Souka always gives me the same response when I do that. "What? We're all girls here, Tohno. Does seeing breasts scare you that much?" And then we proceed to look at our own chests, and Souka bites her tongue, lest she forget that, as far as males would be concerned, only one of us would have what are considered actual breasts.

I do not expect them to come with me much, I just make the offer just in case. Perhaps they will one day. I would like to eat with them more, even if the food is delivery food, or something pre-packaged. The quality time I would be spending amongst my friends would more than make up for any lack of quality in the food, and as for the unhealthiness... well, every once in awhile will not kill me. Tohno Akiha will not magically balloon up to the size of a whale just by having some take-out Chinese food, for example.

"Very well. I shall see you two later." With this, I get off the bed, re-straighten and smooth out my skirt, and I collect my bag. "A pleasant day to the both of you."

"Later," says Souka with a wave.  
"See you later, Akiha-chan!" comes the voice and a glance in the mirror from a smiling Misawa Hanei.

* * *

It is actually a good thing they both said no today. I did not plan on going to breakfast at all.

Instead, I find myself back where I was yesterday, doing nearly exact same thing. Only except of sex, I am thinking about love on the bench near the building of my first class.

Hanei is naturally a very pretty girl. Many males will not care that she is a bit slow-witted at times. Males, I have generally found, tend to like physical appearances. To some, mental acuity is more important than physical beauty, but just about every male will care about physical appearances to some degree.

I sigh and look down at myself. My legs are toned, and freshly shaved. My shoulders are slender and sloped.

…...The front of my uniform barely protrudes outward.

Am... I not pretty enough, perhaps?

…...No. That is not it. Aside from my breasts, I think I am plenty attractive.

Rather... it is my attitude, I think.

...Otou-sama raised me very differently from most females. While a normal teenaged girl like Hanei or even Seo is focused on attempting to appear pretty, and act appropriately feminine, I was learning how to control my Tohno blood as best as I could manage, how to deal with disputes of different family branches, how to do a lot of things an average girl would not only ever have to know about, but learning those things would be more or less an impossibility to them.

I sigh.

It has made me come off as bitter, cold, condescending, and harsh. This is probably what drives males away. I do not consciously intend to do this, of course, but the simple fact is that such an attitude tends not to be an attitude that most males come to like. There are a few who like that, I would surmise, but the fact of the matter is that the sort of male who could put up with someone like me would be a special sort of person, one who is willing to work with – and deal with – my flaws.

…...But still…...

...Do I really want another male in my life?

Or... do I truly want Nii-san the most still?

...Perhaps that is why I unconsciously push males away. Not that I do not want them, but I am comparing them to Nii-san and finding them all inferior to him.

But it is not like Nii-san is this superhuman person. No. He has abilities most humans do not, but these abilities are not even abilities like mine. He cannot, for example, fly, nor can he pull heat out of objects like I can. Nor is he as superhumanly durable as I am. I was able to survive a fall from the top of the four-story dormitory building, no thanks to one Shijyou Tsukasa shoving me last January, and the worst that happened is I had a bit of a concussion, some scrapes, and some soreness. He likely would have been severely injured with broken bones, if not killed outright.

...Then again, it is kind of hard to top what he did. Saving one's life is a sure way to get them to be thankful for what you have done for them, since, after all, most people only get one chance at it. Along with birth, death is the only truly democratic thing in this world – everyone will get to experience it once. And for all but a blessed – or is it damned? – few, that one time experiencing birth and death is the only time they will get to do it.

This is frustrating me. Love is a frustrating emotion. It can be wonderful if it is realized, but until it is, it gnaws at you, maddeningly, until it consumes your soul completely.

And yet, it has the incredibly potent factor in that humans will do nearly anything to realize that love. People have waited years and years and years to be with someone they truly desire.

…...Such as myself for eight years. Half of my life, at that time. Waiting for Nii-san.

People have killed for love. Also, myself. Killing "him" so Nii-san could be freed from dying, from having his life inexorably linked to the one whom was nearly his killer.

All of this for love, huh...

"Heh." I chuckle at my own thought.

That was not something done out of love. "He" would say that it was, but that was obviously anything but love, what he did. That was madness, disguised as love. He may have been able to believe in his own lie, but I am incapable of doing such a thing.

But, for the boy who did take that blow for me...

...I have said it before myself, honestly. I love him. I love Nii-san. I love Nii-san in all of the ways a person can love another. Every hair on my body, every thought in my mind, every cell that constitutes the physical body of the woman who was named Tohno Akiha. They love him completely…...

…...Except for that one way. That one way, always to be denied to me.

With a notable melancholic tang, I sigh.

Is it Kohaku's fault? Not really. For one cannot, despite what they want, control what one person thinks of another. She did not intend for Nii-san to fall in love with her. The person who, ironically, was trying to destroy the Tohno, and wound up becoming the savior of the one true Tohno who was left.

I thought Nii-san would just willingly accept me as more than a sister. That was such a silly assumption. Just because he is not a Tohno by birth and blood, does not mean he cannot truly identify himself as a Tohno. We did raise him for some time, and he was with the Arimas for eight years. Even though he has only been physically in my life for about two years out of my seventeen, he does not, and never will, truly identify as Nanaya Shiki. He will always identify as Tohno Shiki.

…...And thus with that, Tohno Akiha can never be anything to him except a sister, whom he holds very closely, dearly, and important... but never can he stop loving her as a sister, and start loving her as a woman. As a girl. As a lover. As a wife.

I was wrong. Last year proved that without a doubt. And when I tried to remove that one link that would mess the whole thing up, I ended up simply making it worse. My desire to protect Nii-san nearly turned into my trying to kill Nii-san... and then my trying to kill myself.

How foolish it was, really...

I still hear "his" voice, though. I still feel him trying to exert pressure. I feel his influence boil every time I think of him. It is doing so even now, if I stop focusing on tuning him out and simply listen.

_Traitor. Thief. Whore. Slut._

The words that are going through the border between my conscious mind and my unconscious mind.

The first two apply, to Nii-san.

The last two, apply to myself.

Even though I love Nii-san, it is fairly clear that, short of perhaps some apocalyptic, world-ending scenario, we may never become closer than how we already are. And even though I want him to be so much more to me, because I feel he is that important to me... as long as he is happy with himself and I know he is safe, I suppose that will be good enough for me and I can accept it happily.

Then, I will have to change. Or at least try to. Until love finally finds me, that is what I shall do.

Or, perhaps, as they say, die trying.

The Westminster Quarters chime the time, signaling it is 9 AM. It is time for me to go to my class.

I collect my bag, stand up, dust the back of my skirt off, and head towards class. I have bigger things to worry about as opposed to finding someone like Nii-san right now...

...Such as tracking down the highly-elusive Seo Akira, for example...

* * *

...Stupid Seo. She has me thinking about this far too much.  
All because of that silly doujinshi of hers... well then. The solution?  
Corner and confront her. Yes. That is exactly what I will do.

* * *

Next Week (9/26/10) – Chapter 17: "Confessions of a Teenage Kojin Saakuru"


	17. Confessions of a Teenage Kojin Saakuru

Chapter 17: "Confessions of a Teenage Kojin Saakuru"*

* * *

I am surprisingly impatient today compared to most days. The bell for lunchtime seems to take forever to ring, and every time I look at the clock it seems that time has moved only an instant or two forward. My usual patience is profoundly missing today.

Why? That is simple. Because I know my target is here, and she will not evade my grasp today.

I find myself mulling over my words. They must be carefully, yet decisively chosen. Anything too weak will allow Seo to sniff out my plan, and I cannot have that. This confrontation _**MUST**_ occur. She dodged it yesterday, but I cannot just allow her to walk all over me with such impunity.

...Well, it is simple, really. Lunch is coming up. Why not make it under the guise of having lunch?

Yes. That will be a good idea. After all, Seo and I both have to eat. Tohno Akiha is human enough that she still needs food just like a full human, along with other necessities of human life such as sleeping, the bathroom, and so on. I cannot escape these things.

I stare at the clock. My work is finished, and has been for some time, but today, Sensei is not letting us out even a second early. I rue this fact. These are seconds when I could track down Seo, and put my plan into motion...!

Eventually, however, the bell does signal our 45 minutes allotted for lunch. With surprising speed even to myself, I lift – no, I almost hurdle – myself out of the chair, and nearly run to the cafeteria. Seo will very likely be there, so I will have to drag her out under the pretense of having lunch with her so I can corner her properly.

I arrive and scan over the tables for slightly short girls with short purple hair. There are not very many purple-haired girls, and even fewer of them look vaguely like Seo Akira. Shijyou Tsukasa is the first one. Seo Akira is the second one I see.

"...Perfect. Game over," I say with a slight smile to myself as I move in her direction.

I walk over to her table, where she has just began to unwrap her lunch. "Good afternoon, Seo." I smile sincerely. I am happy that I found her. Just not for the reasons she may think I am...

She looks up at me, blinking, slightly surprised. "...Tohno-senpai? Usually you eat lunch outside, don't you?"

"Usually, yes," I reply. "Today, however, I decided I would invite you to have lunch with me, if you would like to. If not, I shall I understand com–"

"Lunch with Tohno-senpai?ǃ **SURE!**" I am cut off, and nearly bowled over by Seo's enthusiasm.

Perfect. It is not unlike shooting fish in a barrel. I do my best to stifle a snicker that is threatening to well up from the lungs and diaphragm of Tohno Akiha.

"Well then, please collect your things. I will have to go get my lunch in the dorm room, so you can meet me there." I speak this with confidence, knowing that Hanei and Souka both are going to be out of the dorm room, and if they are not, then I shall "encourage" them to make a rather speedy egress from it. Nothing must stop this confrontation... well, short of death, perhaps, but as it is unlikely that either of us will be dropping dead in the next few minutes, it shall go on and be resolved.

"Okay! I'll be there in a few minutes, Tohno-senpai!" she quite eagerly replies as I turn my back on her and begin to walk to the dorm that Hanei, Souka, and myself share.

"…...Fufufufu." As soon as I am out of earshot, I allow myself to release the laugh that had been building up for some time.

As I return towards the room that Souka, Hanei, and myself share, I cannot help but think of why she is so eager. If she is truly interested in me, then... this is kind of like making her dreams come true in some small fashion.

The dream of being romantic with Tohno-senpai. If I were not a female, I probably would not mind so much, as admittedly Seo Akira is a very cute girl, but...

...The problem is, so am I. And a homosexual relationship is, to me, simply unacceptable. What others do is none of my concern; if, say, Hisui or Yumizuka-san turned out to be a lesbian, I would have no problems with it.

The problem is, this concerns me. And I do not entertain, nor harbor, such thoughts.

…...I am going to destroy such silly fantasies utterly. I will not deny that I like Seo Akira, but not in a romantic way in the slightest. We are both girls, and furthermore, I have a reputation to uphold at Asagami. Such a thing would be scandalously bad to my reputation, and those damn seniors will attack my character as a result, without any mercy in the least. Any serious chances of me continuing to have power when I become a second and then a third-year would be utterly wrecked by such scandal. Indeed, even rumors could drag me down to the level where I cannot climb out without some loss of prestige.

I unlock the door with my key, and enter.

"Souka? Hanei? Are either of you here?" I look around the room, cursorily.

Sure enough, no sign of Hanei or Souka. Perfect. I knew I could count on them to be having lunch outside of the dorm. I hide behind where the door will open and await the soon-to-be confronted Seo Akira.

A few moments later, I hear the sounds of somewhat light footsteps running towards the door. She knocks, announces "I'm here, Tohno-senpai!" and then flings the door open carelessly.

The doorknob comes within about six centimeters of hitting me in the solar plexus. I suck my stomach in when I see it making a beeline for it.

I thank whatever deity decided to not add a bruise to my midsection, and most importantly, credit my excellent diet for insuring I do not have a gut.

Seo walks in, looking around. "Tohno-senpai? Are you here?" She stops, and looks towards the beds.

Perfect. _**Now!**_

I shut the door with my body, quickly locking it and barring her exit with my body. She turns around and sees the expression on my face, and her demeanor quickly begins to change.

"Uh... was I a little too late? I know you're punctual, Tohno-senpai." She blinks a few times.

"That is not it at all, Seo. This has to do with the doujin that you left at my house." I lean my back against the door, to prevent her from trying to make a sudden grasp at the doorknob. It will nott stop that, of course, but my body weight will be an effective deterrent to her pulling the door open.

With a sudden gasp of horror, Seo's eyes widen. "…...Then... you did look at it…..."

I nod. "I demand an explanation, Seo, and you shall not leave until I obtain one." I cross my arms.

Seo looks away, looking slightly like she wants to cry. She will be running away from me, nor avoiding this confrontation, anymore. It is time to settle this issue, once and for all, and I will not be satisfied until I hear one straight from this kouhai's mouth.

"What is the meaning of drawing you and myself kissing? We are girls. We cannot form such a romantic relationship. It is improper. Thinking about one is therefore pointless." I sigh. "Have you never thought of that? We are both too old now to engage in such a thing. Even if we were young enough, such relationships are things that I have never been interested in, in my life. It is time to grow up, Seo, as I have."

Seo looks slightly angry. A rare expression on her face to be sure, for next to Hanei, Seo is generally the most cheerful person that I know. "You lied, Tohno-senpai! How could you?ǃ" Tears well up slightly at the corner of her eyes.

"What, and say 'Oh yes, I saw you kissing me, good job on your art, my lips were perfectly as full as in real life?ǃ' Get a grip on yourself, Seo, you would have fainted from shock if I had told you such a thing!" My voice comes clear and sharp. "This is not a matter to just gloss over and pretend is trivial! This is something very serious, Seo! You are putting me in such sick, twisted, delusional fantasies that I have no desire to be a part of, and you expect me to just pretend nothing was wrong?ǃ"

"I don't expect you to lie and look at it anyway, Tohno-senpai! You should have been honest with me, at least!" She wipes her eyes with the back of her left hand.

"And what, have you say that you were fantasizing about kissing me, Seo?ǃ I do not think so! What did you do, find a picture of two girls kissing and then simply replace them with me and you? I want an explanation, Seo, and I want it now!" I am virtually yelling at her at this stage, but that is fine. I am truly angry about just what would possess her to do this!

She sighs. "Fine. I saw it in a vision, okayǃ?"

"...A vision." My voice comes out slightly disbelievingly, and my eyebrows arch up in surprise.

Certainly, I have heard from Nii-san some details of Seo's "abilities." She apparently has the ability to read the futures of others, but is unable to ascertain exactly where or when this would happen.

…...…...

…...…...There is no chance such a preposterous thing could happen! Seo and myself kissing?ǃ Preposterous! Pure and utter balderdash, that is all that vision is! The delusions of a teenaged girl, whose hormones from puberty are causing her mind to see such irrational thoughts.

She is using this as some sort of lie, a cheap trick to attempt to lower my anger. Insolent girl! I will not be lied to that easily!

"Seo, I think your visions are wrong. We are–"

"They've never been wrong before, Tohno-senpai." She sharply cuts me off with a glare that even puts me slightly ill at ease. "The only times they've ever failed me before is when whoever was in them actually changed things, like not being at a place or not talking to someone. This one _**CAN'T**_ be wrong, Tohno-senpai–"

"Seo, we are both _**FEMALE!**_ What that sort of thing is portraying is a... a, a homosexual relationship! Surely you know that!" How can she not, really?ǃ Two girls kissing, makes it either Class S or homosexual. And the way we were kissing, that was not a simple Class S kiss!

"Of course," she sighs as she loosens the neck of her sailor suit slightly. "I don't know how it could happen either, to be honest. Tohno-senpai isn't that sort of woman, I know that, and I don't think I am either. But I liked it, and so I decided to see what sort of story I could build around it. It doesn't mean I want it, you know! Some people fantasize about being raped, does that mean they want to get raped?ǃ" Her voice sounds slightly cross.

…...Then... it was just an image?

"Then why did you draw it in such vivid detail, Seo?" I blink.

"It's what I saw." She says it with a displeased sigh. "That's what artists _**DO,**_ Tohno-senpai. They draw what their mind's eye sees. Yes, even if that's you. That's kind of why I was hoping you **DIDN'T** see it, Tohno-senpai. I knew you'd freak out over it!" Her fists begin to ball up slightly...

…...Am I about to be punched? Then, I had better be a bit more choosy with my words.

"Even then," I say, as I try to stave off her anger. "Did the other girl have to look so much like me? It is nearly identical to–"

"I draw what I see! Okayǃ?" I am cut off. "It was an attempt to pull an image from my head! It worked out pretty good, but it wasn't something you needed to see, and I'd hoped you hadn't, and I even trusted you when you said you didn't – and you did anyway! And here I am, coming to enjoy lunch, but sure enough, here comes Tohno, sure she knows it all!"

Her displeasure is quite clear, for she forgot to add the honorable suffix to my last name. Normally I would address this glaring error in respect, but the truth of the matter is that right now this would provide simply more venom for Seo to innervate herself with. It would be wise to not mention it.

...Then, if all she really was doing was drawing something her mind saw…... am I really making a large mistake of this all...?

Certainly, I am human enough that I am not immune from mistakes. I do not make them often, but to be even part human is to make mistakes.

…...Then, this may be one of those rare times...

…...I am beginning to feel bad about my rude, brash actions. I suppose that doing what I did, it is only natural that Seo might become angry. This was a direct invasion of her privacy, and I more or less lied to her face – twice now – just to get to this point. To get to the confrontation that I so desperately sought.

And now... I may be wrong about it after all, in the end.

There were no word balloons. It is possible that this may indeed have been a different girl, for I was never mentioned by name, and...

…...A shiver runs up my spine, as if confirming that I am completely wrong about this.

...Well, it is time to swallow the poison named pride, and allow it to run its course, consequences be thrice damned...

"...I am not perfect, Seo. Nobody is. There are times where mistakes are–"

"Mistakes?ǃ" Once more, I am cut off. The fury has completely consumed Seo Akira, and she is unleashing it all on me. "This isn't a mistake, this was an outright breach of privacy by someone who's incredibly nosy! How dare you!" Her glare is sharp. There are daggers in those eyes, and doubtless venom is coursing through her veins.

...Confessionary. Normally, I would not tolerate this sort of behavior, from anyone. But all I can do is simply try my best to not enrage her anymore. The last thing I want to do is to get into an actual physical fight with my kouhai, for multiple reasons.

Partially because it would surely break any chance of us mending our relationship. A relationship that, I admit, I do not want to lose and am already wishing I could rewind time to restore.

Partially because I do not want to lose control of myself and utterly crush her in a fight. I know that I would. Seo Akira is not the sort of girl who has experience with fighting. Souka, perhaps, but definitely not Seo or Hanei.

Mostly because it was my own foolish words that got me into this situation. Words of a pompous, loudmouthed girl named Tohno Akiha.

Therefore... if she strikes, I shall take the punch. After all, a bruise will heal.

A friendship is a much harder thing to simply mend. There are no automated mechanisms that will magically repair such things, unlike a body's platelets and fibrin. Mending a friendship means that both sides must be willing to forgive and let things smooth over.

Right now, there is no chance of Seo Akira forgiving me even remotely soon.

I sigh. Then... Plan B, is to swallow the pride of Tohno Akiha completely. I feel the lump in my throat as I swallow.

"I did not intend to be nosy, Seo..." I try to keep my voice strong, but even I must admit that it falters slightly in the face of this onslaught.

"Well you were! And then you can't even tell me the truth, you had to _**LIE!**_ I hate liars! The last person who lied to me wound up killing people, and it was only due to Tohno-san that I was saved!" She even stomps her foot slightly. Normally it is a cute fit, but in this state of mind, it is an ominous **CLOMP**, like death itself were staking a claim to the territory of the dorm room of Tsukihime Souka, Misawa Hanei, and Tohno Akiha.

...Nii-san had told me about that. How someone had impersonated him, killing people, and fooled Seo into thinking they were Nii-san. Luckily, he was able to find out before this fake could add Seo to the list of murder victims, but...

"Well, my interest and curiosity got the best of me..." My voice comes out even weaker than before.

"Yeah, some excuse," she says, not accepting it. "You can believe that if you want, but the fact is you didn't trust me, and then even AFTER you read it... you lied. You lied so that I wouldn't know, couldn't explain, and so you could corner me. Do you know how... incredibly rude that is?ǃ?"

A very nasty glare. A look on her face that she wants to kill. Or at the very least, punch me, and it is taking her all of her willpower to restrain from doing so.

…...What I did... well, it would be very rude. I would certainly not appreciate it had someone else done that to me, so I can somewhat see where Seo is coming from, but still... that gives her no reason to be so angry at this. I looked at one of her works in progress... so? I fail to see the big deal behind this, honestly.

"Alright, so I shall try to be less nosy." I sigh and look at her.

Seo shakes her head. "Not that simple. It's part of your nature. It's the one thing that I can't stand at all about you. You're impulsive, and once you get an idea in your head you're 100% sure it's always correct and never fails. Well guess what? This time you're _**WRONG,**_ Tohno."

Again with the crass remark. It is all I can do to resist escalating the situation even further. Such disrespect is unacceptable... but not nearly as unacceptable as getting into a fight with a girl nearly 20 months my junior.

"...Well then, what would you do if you were in my position, Seo?" I ask. Yes, to avoid this mistake again in the future...

She almost immediately speaks. "I'd at least tell them my concerns, and not _**CON**_ them into thinking they wanted to spend time with me! That's like inviting someone out to eat and saying 'Oh, by the way, you're picking up the bill' and running away! It's horrible!"

…...Ah. That is right.

I had lured her here under the guise of having lunch. Perhaps it is the sudden shock that she went from having a wonderful lunch with her senpai to being confronted about a piece of artwork that really set her off.

...A bait and switch, I believe they call it. That was... incredibly callous of me, when I think about it.

I sigh, slightly in exasperation and slightly in shame. I have... no real counter to this attack.

"It'd be like if I invited you to one of my father's Oktoberfests and instead of beer you got water or wine coolers or something. Do you get the point now, Tohno?ǃ" A glare that aims to pierce through my soul entirely is what I am met with.

"…...Yes," is the only reply that manages to come meekly out of my mouth. It is all I can do to avoid looking away, and suffering complete defeat in this fight.

"Well then who knows, maybe you'll learn about how wrong and shortsighted you can actually be one of these days! When you do, let me know, and then I'll talk to you again. Maybe." In a huff, she grabs the lunch she had set down on the table and stuffs it roughly into her bag.

I sigh. "...Then I guess I was wrong, perhaps..."

"Yeah. So am I about you, Tohno." She zips up her bag and puts it back on her shoulders. "Any other surprises you're planning on springing on me?" She stands angrily, hands on her hips.

"...No," I confess quietly. "If it would make it up to you, however, I will still have lun–"

"Not interested," comes the immediate reply with surprising barb. She walks towards the door, and as the definite loser in this battle, I simply move aside and allow her to exit. The door, as if to chime in its opinion, shuts with a resounding SLAM.

I stare at the door, and hear the footsteps walk away.

**CLOMP.**

**CLOMP.**

**Clomp.**

**Clomp.**

Clomp.

Clomp.

Clap.

Clap.

clap.

clap.

…...…...

…...…...Silence.

I sigh and walk over to, then sit on my bed. Defeated.

Not just defeated, demolished.

...No, not even demolished is strong enough for this burning guilt inside.

This is more like obliteration. Evisceration. Eradication. Extermination.

There is nothing left whatsoever. The winning side has so completely destroyed the losing side that all that remains are flayed remains of what was once a person.

Specifically, the shredded remnants of Tohno Akiha's ego lie all over the floor. Seo Akira won the battle without so much as a scratch.

Really... That was possibly the stupidest thing I have done in a long time.

Leaping to conclusions. Pre-judging people.

All I could see such a drawing as was this horrendous invasion of privacy. Yet to Seo Akira, this was simply art. And Seo Akira, the artist, likes different things than Seo Akira, the person.

Seo Akira, the person, does not want a romantic relationship with Tohno Akiha. That is perhaps the only good thing that managed to come out of this fight, but still...

...It is a classical Pyrrhic Victory. I won the battle, but at such a cost that it is nearly too great to bear.

Seo Akira, the artist, however, liked that image. So she drew it. If I were an artist, I would no doubt have similar feelings and emotions. Or if I were, say, a writer, then perhaps I would write about such things, that while they do not interest me, the person, they interest me, the creative talent.

And I would probably be lying to myself if I said that I would just openly share such work with most people.

Part of the beauty of any creative form is that it is almost intimate, to the creator. The ability to go and bring these images, or people, or whatever you are creating, and breathe life into them.

My stomach growls. I ignore it. It does not deserve food. Right now, neither do I.

Really, she could have done so much worse. She could have punched me as hard as she could. Because I like Seo, I would have taken such a blow without retaliation, but...

…...Seeing her there, fists shaking in anger, restraining herself from striking me...

I sigh, and just collapse lifelessly on my bed. It squeaks slightly as I lay upon it with my full body weight so suddenly.

There is only one thought that manages to course through my mind, as I lick my mental wounds.

It is, perhaps, the only thought that could adequately describe my situation right now.

That thought?

…...Tohno Akiha, you idiot.

* * *

Kojin Saakuru - literally "Individual/Private Circle." In other words, Seo is her own doujin circle, doing both writing and art.

* * *

…...

…...

…...You fucking idiot…...

* * *

Next Week (10/3/10) – Chapter 18: "Fretfulness"


	18. Fretfulness

Chapter 18: "Fretfulness"

* * *

I walk, like a zombie, through most of the rest of the day. I cannot focus on the classes much, and the lessons that the teachers are attempting to instruct simply seem to pass through one ear and out the other.

This is fine. I am not interested in paying attention at the moment.

What a fool I was. Thinking that Seo wanted that kind of relationship. Instead, she simply sketched a vision. A vision of us kissing. A vision of us that, based on both of our looks, would be quite far off... if it ever did happen.

Really now... That sort of aggressive, overconfident behavior... that is so completely unlike me.

I would not be surprised if I am letting the upcoming anniversary on Friday get inside my head and begin to disorient me.

And now to have this on top of it...

I sigh bitterly.

It is strange that I feel so guilty about this, but I do. I was wrong, yes, but I have erred before. It is only human to make mistakes, and as a half-human, I am prone to this as well.

Normally that would be good enough, to say "I have made a mistake and I shall not do so again if I can help it," but in this case, this is simply not enough. My usual reassurance is failing me.

I have even tried to shake it out of my head. Every time I manage to, for a few brief moments, it will work until someone mentions her name, and then it will come screaming back into my memories, just as loudly as she had been yelling at me.

I sigh on my bed.

Really... why is this eating me up so badly...?

"Akiha-chan? Why do you look so sad?"

I hear the voice of Misawa Hanei reach my ears. My eyes manage to register the concerned expression on her face.

I still do not care. I do not deserve her attempts at empathy or sympathy.

"It is nothing, Hanei. It does not concern you, so do not worry about it." I move my gaze from her.

"…...…Normally I wouldn't, but I've watched you sit as still as a statue for 15 minutes, Akiha-chan. I thought you were either asleep or dead." Hanei frowns sadly – a rare expression on her face, and one that will make me feel even worse if I look at it for any longer.

...Maybe I would be better off dead with how I feel. But...

...15 minutes? It feels like I just sat down moments ago.

Am I... that far from myself?

This is profoundly affecting me, then. Why? It is a stupid thing to be so dissociated for.

...No, it was not really the drawing. It was Seo's reaction.

Seo's hurt that not only had I lied to her, I had betrayed her trust. And in the process, did the exact thing that she was hoping I would not - corner her and become confrontational.

She knew that if I wound up finding that doujinshi, that I would freak out. That was why it was the first thing she asked, if I had looked in it. And her intuition was correct, because that wound up being the very first thing that I did. Then, I lied about it, and began to concoct a plan to ask her what the meaning of it was.

Then, yesterday, she had a doctor's appointment. That did not help my plan. Now I felt like she was evading me, avoiding me. Like she knew that I had read it, somehow, and knew full well how enraged I would be as a result, and so she did everything that she could to get away from me, to avoid me. This only made me embolden my plans, sure I was correct, sure that I would get her to confess that she made such a... a... pornographic book with me in it to fulfill her own bizarre, perverted fantasies of other girls.

So I cornered her with another lie, and laid my hand out completely on the table. And...

...In not so many words, Seo Akira read me like a book. And was correct.

"...Even if I could explain it, Hanepin, I am not sure if you would understand." I sigh bitterly.

"Ummmmm..." she looks up for a moment. "…...I could try." The frown on her face changes expression to a look of determination.

Normally, I would be quite proud of Hanei stepping up in such a manner. Were this a less serious matter, I might even oblige her request.

But with this one...?

I shake my head. "No, I doubt it. You have not made stupid decisions like I did." I stand up.

"Stupid decisions? Like what, Akiha-chan?" Hanei blinks inquisitively.

"Just tell Seo I said sorry if you see her." I take my bag from the foot of my bed.

With this, I exit the room, no doubt leaving Hanei standing in the room, trying to figure out just what happened.

* * *

I kick my legs slightly as I sit on the concrete ledge, awaiting my limousine to take me home, replaying the scene over and over in my head.

How I laid it out. How sure I was that I had figured out her motives completely. How I simply **KNEW** that Seo Akira was hiding this from me, so that she could keep such romantic feelings to herself.

I was so sure my plan would work. I was completely certain that Seo would confess she had done that out of desire. It was all I really needed to hear from her, that she had, and I would have been satisfied with that confession. Then I would have told her I did not approve of myself being used in that way, and to pick someone else, and that would have been that. Life would have moved on, and the status quo would have been maintained.

But she did not see me in that sort of way after all.

Seo Akira does not lust after Tohno Akiha in that way, and I accused her of doing so. More than that, I stated that her precognitive abilities were flat-out wrong and lying. It would be rather like someone trying to say that I do not even have my own abilities... after the shock of them knowing I had them wore off, I would likely demonstrate just how real they are.

...Accused? No, not just accused, I outright stated she desired a homosexual relationship with me. It is no wonder it deeply offended her.

...Plus, really, I should know that she is more desirous of Nii-san than myself. After all, Nii-san is the one who saved her life, not me. I am merely her senpai, and just so happen to be related to the one whom did save her and so whom she desires.

…...Really, she is like me in at least that aspect. I began feeling a lot stronger for the boy who was at the time named Nanaya Shiki, who moved in front of me with speed that startled even me, and took a nearly fatal wound to the chest... that may be when I began to love Nii-san as more than a brother.

"...Imbecile." I mentally kick myself.

It is the essence of myself that I hate the most, to be frankly honest. Forthright, confident, and brazenly sanguine.

And it works. Usually. Except for when it does not work. Such as now.

I was wrong, and now I am paying the price. In addition to Seo's enmity, I have my own self-abhorrence to deal with now. These sorts of accusations are the ones that can potentially break up a friendship.

And, as much as Seo can annoy, or be nauseatingly cute at times... I really do like her as a friend. She is cute and has an attractive personality. Having someone to look up at me like that and disregard my many flaws was... oddly liberating, really.

Our relationship is a strange one, I will admit. Then again, all of my relationships with my friends seem to be strange ones.

I constantly worry about my chest, and yet one of my friends has the largest chest I have seen in my life. Despite that, I do not begrudge her for it in the slightest. I do admit I would like it a bit more if I could have a _**LARGER**_ chest, but such a large bust on my frame would look simply grotesque and out of place, given my body proportions and size. Something like Kohaku's, or Yumizuka-san's, perhaps, would work well, however – about another ten centimeters.

I constantly do my best to maintain my upbringing, and yet one of my friends is one who had such upbringing drilled into her so badly that she absolutely shuns this and lives as commonly as she can, right down to instant food. I could never eat such a thing except in an emergency, and even ordering out tends to make me a bit ill and displeased, but that is also an occasional necessary fact, usually when Nii-san comes home badly injured and Kohaku is not here. Then it is I who takes care of him and cleans his wounds, as Hisui gets squeamish around blood.

I do not tolerate immaturity, and yet my favored kouhai is someone who can be incredibly immature at times, to the point where I want to gently strangle her, or give her a few light slams now and again. Yet despite that, and the fact she almost abuses her cuteness at times, I do genuinely like her as a friend, and while I will keep it a secret from her, I will do acts of kindness for her. Keeping them secret is a necessary, or she would never stop thanking me, and then I would want to tie the bow of her outfit around her neck to strangle her.

And now, that last one is perhaps gone.

It is possible I have lost Seo Akira as a friend. If this is the case, then I will make sure I try my hardest not to ever repeat this mistake again. If I were to lose Hanei or Souka in that way, it would be a deathblow.

Even a half-human needs some level of social constructs and people to converse to. I can always talk to Hisui, or Kohaku and Nii-san when they are there, and now I have Yumizuka-san to talk to as well, but... they are not quite friends. Two of them are technically under my employ, one is family, and the fourth is someone who I have decided to take in, partially due to what she could do for me, and partially to assuage my own guilt at being the penultimate cause of her condition. There is also Len, of course, but well, Len is a girl of few words. She may hug me, though... which I would not mind right about now...

I feel myself be touched on the shoulder. This startles me out of my thoughts, and I look up to see that it is Ishizaki, my driver. He looks at me rather concernedly. "Akiha-sama? Is everything okay? I've been honking the horn a few times, but you seemed not to hear."

I sigh and look away slightly as I carefully hop off of the ledge I had been sitting on up until this time. "...Yes, all is fine, Ishizaki. Let us return to the mansion."

...And drive me away from the painful memories that might linger in this place forevermore.

* * *

I return home, to both Hisui's polite bow and Yumizuka-san's deeper, more thankful and appreciative bow. I am sure they greet me verbally, but I do not hear it if they do. I likely mutter something that is perhaps along the lines of "Good evening" to them both and retire straight to my room, not paying them any mind.

I half-place, half-toss my bag onto my chair, and collapse onto my bed.

The thoughts have not left me even though I have long left the school proper. Like a nightmare that simply will not die, the scene keeps playing itself over and over in my head, as if it were some sort of sick mental lark that my mind enjoys bringing up infinitely.

I already have enough nightmares. I do not particularly need more, nor do I have the wherewithal to deal with any more problems at the moment. My day-to-day duties are difficult enough. The added pressures this week will bring are further unrelenting, and now I have to deal with a remorseful conscience on top of it.

If there could possibly be any more pressure upon me right now, I would think Tohno Akiha shall crack.

A knock comes at my door. Hisui knows better to interrupt me in moods like this...

"Enter," I say with disaffection.

Rather than Hisui, it is Yumizuka-san who enters. "Akiha-san? Did something bad happen?" She looks worried. A genuine sort of worry.

I cannot truly blame Yumizuka-san for intruding, or being so forthright. Hisui's nature has built up due to eight years of "swapping" places between herself and Kohaku. She is more emotional now, but allowing yourself to be emotional when one is so unused to it is not exactly a easy habit to break.

Add in the factor that I have essentially given the vampire mercy, compassion, and shelter from that which she lacked for a year and it is not too difficult to see why she would be very concerned about my well-being.

I would not be surprised if she were willing to give up her life for mine.

A life for a life, then? Well, it is fine she is concerned, and I know full well that inviting her into my home meant full well that she would become privy to my problems and worries. Admittedly, this is a fairly stupid one, even to me...

...But it may be a good test case to see how she handles these things.

Furthermore, I could probably use an extra perspective. Kohaku will not be here for several days yet. Nii-san is not home, but should be returning soon. Hisui... I try to avoid talking about my problems with, given her emotionally frail state.

Yes. Then a test case would be prudent, and if she passes it, then I will allow her to be more emotionally involved in my life.

I sigh. I still do not like involving people in my personal feelings, but I suppose it cannot be helped.

"Yumizuka-san, have you ever said things you regret deeply after you turned out to err?" I ask her simply and directly.

Her red eyes blink, slightly taken aback. It is likely she woke up not too long ago and is still trying to shake off some tiredness. "Wow... heavy. What'd you do, Akiha-san?"

"Usually I am quite confident in my abilities to judge people, but today, I made a rather bad mistake, and I fear it may have cost me a relationship with someone whom I do not want to lose a relationship with." I look away slightly.

"That bad, huh..." She walks over to my bed and carefully sits on the foot of it, turning to me afterward. Usually I would protest to someone even being in my room most of the time, much less sitting on the foot of my bed. Perhaps right now I am so emotionally void that I simply no longer care.

"...I made a gross mistake, Yumizuka-san. I was so sure I was correct, but I turned out not to be. My accusation deeply offended her. Admittedly... I am a bit unsure of how to proceed. I have never nearly lost a friend before." An honest confession. In the back of my head I am aware of laughter, but I silence that quickly.

With a slight "Mmm" and a nod, Yumizuka-san confirms she has listened. After taking a moment to think it over, as well as swallowing and clearing her throat, she gives me a suggestion. "Well, obviously, you'll have to apologize to her and swallow your pride."

"I already did. I informed a mutual friend of ours that if she–"

"No. No mutual friends. In person." She sounds firm.

"...But she may not wish to speak to me," I remind her.

"It's a risk you'll have to take, Akiha-san. But by proving you're able to swallow your pride and apologize, it may be enough to get her to at least hear you out and give you a chance to explain yourself." She sighs slightly at an apparent memory. "...Dad told me it was always bad to lie to someone, but that it takes enormous amounts of strength to admit you lied and even more to say that you're sorry for it. He said those were probably the two hardest words to learn, regardless of the language."

I sigh. "I am... not good at apology. I am unused to it."

"Well, you'll have to get better at it, then," Yumizuka-san says. "You really pissed this girl off from the sound of things."

"…...It would not be incorrect," I say in frustration.

"Then it's time to eat some humble pie, Akiha-san. Apologize to her. Not through a friend, not over the phone... do it in person. And do it as soon as possible. If you two were good friends before this, she can probably forgive you, but you have to be prepared for her saying she doesn't care, that it's over, and if that's the case, you're just going to have to accept it." Yumizuka-san looks me directly in the eyes as she says this. The message is loud and clear – that this is her main point and I should note it.

"…...Yes," I say, my mind being too clouded by emotion to think of anything else.

"But, it's not all bad, you know. If you were truly cold, you wouldn't even care about this. The fact it's depressing you this much means you truly care about her, right?" Yumizuka-san smiles slightly. Now that I have acknowledged her point, it seems she is trying to do her best to begin to cheer me up.

"...I suppose," I offer, not really thinking about her words all that much at the moment.

"So the fact you feel so horrible about it means you know deep down that you were wrong, even if you don't like to admit it. For a lot of people, they can't even do that, so the fact that you can shows you're a better woman than you think you are." She states it simply.

"...Do you really think so, Yumizuka-san?" I ask her, sitting up slightly.

"Yeah. I didn't really get to hear about you much except in passing conversations over the years, and Tohno-kun tended to talk about his cousin Miyako-chan a little more since he lived with her," Yumizuka-san states. "However, he did mention you from time to time, and said you seemed to be a rather happy, kind girl from his faint memories of you."

"...Nii-san talked about me to you?" I feel my face begin to heat up.

It makes Yumizuka-san giggle slightly. "Yeah. But he said you were a rather good person, and he thought that we'd be able to get along pretty good if we'd ever met, although he doubted we would. Well, I guess he'll find out that when he comes back here, huh...?"

I turn my head to look at her more head-on. "…...You have a deep investigative trait in you that I did not think you would have, Yumizuka-san." I dwell on my words for a moment before realizing they can be misconstrued. "Ah, no offense meant!" I quickly blurt out.

That is the **LAST** thing I need – to end **TWO** friendships today.

Yumizuka-san smiles. "Don't worry, I knew what you meant. But yeah... it kinda surprises me too sometimes. I didn't really think about that sort of stuff all too deeply until I became like this. It must be a vampire trait."

"...Vampires are very good at reading the mental states of others. This is due to their natural abilities for charm, and the amount of time they have spent in introspection." It flows off my tongue like it had been branded upon it.

Well, it would be easy enough to remember. I know two vampires, both of whom are very good at feeling out emotional states... although one of them cheats a little to do it, but even without it, she is very good at telling someone's emotional state with just a few moments of observation.

I, myself, as a halfling blood-sucking demon, also have a somewhat more limited ability to make such estimations. It is more potent in my inverted form, but of course, I try to avoid shifting into this form whenever I can help it. I like the feel of being human, and that form robs me of most of my humanity.

Yumizuka-san speaks once more. "Well, I also liked helping people when I could, too, so maybe that's it. It made me feel nice to see someone else smile, so I guess that's what I'm really after right now." With this, she closes her eyes and gives a slight smile, the kind that many males would have fought over had they seen it.

It makes me feel slightly better about myself, and I do feel a slight smile begin to come across me, as I sit up fully and stretch my arms and torso slightly to relieve the tension that had built inside of it.

As if sensing it, Yumizuka-san asks "Feeling better now?"

"A little," I say. "I am not back to where I am comfortable yet, but at least I feel perhaps slightly hopeful and optimistic. I will seek her out tomorrow, then, and attempt to apologize her, but I will also prepare for the worst just in case she decides to reject such an apology."

"Good," she offers with a small giggle. "Don't worry about thanking me. This is my way of saying thanks for giving me a second lease on life."

"Think nothing of it," I reply without really thinking about it.

Yumizuka-san stands up and straightens out her clothing. "Well! I'd better get back to work. Hisui's depending on me to make sure that I keep the house standing as she cooks." With a slight giggle, she begins to depart my room.

...That outfit, even though cleaned, is still more of a quilt than proper clothing.

"...I will have Hisui go tomorrow to get you some new clothing. Please inform her of your sizes, if you would not mind." I announce to her back as she leaves, in a tone that makes it clear that this is an order, and not so much of a request.

Yumizuka-san blushes very slightly, but nods. "...Alright. I'll let her know, Akiha-san." With this, she turns to me, bows slightly in respect and gratitude, and quietly leaves my room.

I think for a few moments after Yumizuka-san leaves.

Her words certainly had weight to them. Like she had done this all before, or like she could tell something was wrong based on my state when I came home.

Or perhaps this was simply part of "being human" for her. For after all, a vampire has little to no need to care about others. Vampires are very selfish creatures by nature, for whom people are cattle and little else.

...One thing is for sure. Yumizuka Satsuki truly proves one cannot judge a book by its cover. She is neither helpless girl, nor bloodthirsty vampire.

Indeed, she is a rather oddly eclectic but wonderful mix of both.

And her talk seemed to come from deeply personal places inside of her. In her moment of need, I helped her, and so in my moment of need, she selflessly stepped up to the plate, assisting with no complaints. Indeed, assisting with a bit of pride and cheer.

_...She is hardly a vampire at all,_ I think to myself, as I get out of my bed and begin to change into my usual clothing.

* * *

...Is Yumizuka-san trying to help me? Why?  
What have I done for her, really? Safety and shelter... so?  
That is hardly equal compared to my problems right now...

* * *

Next Week (10/10/10) – Chapter 19: "A Crisis of Self-Existentialism"


	19. A Crisis of Self Existentialism

Chapter 19: "A Crisis of Self-Existentialism"

* * *

That night, I lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling. Those thoughts are swarming through my head again.

Who am I...? Really?

What am I about...? Really?

What do I value the most...? Really?

Who is the real Tohno Akiha...? Is she hidden from even me...?

I... I was born on a Sunday. On a Sunday, at dawn, right as autumn was about to begin. September 22nd, 1985, a day before Shuubun no Hi.*

This is why I was named Akiha. Autumn Leaf.

It is a fitting name, to be honest. I do not think I can identify with any other.

But... what good is a name if I cannot find out whom that person really, truly is?

I have been so sure of myself for so long, that when I am confronted with something that challenges it, I seem to simply shut down. As I am now.

As I have all day, to the point where even Hanei could tell that something was wrong and I was not acting as my usual self. She tried her best to help me, but... how could someone like Hanei ever understand the sort of situation I am going through...?

Today, Seo called me out. And... she was right. I am all of those things she called me. All, and worse. A liar, a loudmouthed, pompous braggart, who is so sure of herself that she could so brazenly speak that way. So used to getting her own way, that the very thought of "What if I am wrong?" not only never crosses her mind, it is a truly foreign concept to her, so foreign that her mind is literally unable to conceive it…...

…...Am I truly that cold?

But then Yumizuka-san said deep down I care, because I felt guilty about her words. I cannot feel guilty if I do not know and believe in it at some level, so where...

…...Where is that Tohno Akiha inside of me?

I sigh, frustrated. This is eating me alive. I have somewhat gotten over the thrust of Seo's words because they are true, but now the guilt has replaced the offense.

Sitting around here and moping about it, however, will not be productive. It will do nothing but make me feel even worse than I already do, for here, I am able to dwell on my mistake today, and suffer it silently.

…...Another moonlight walk, perhaps?

...Yes. That will do. The last time I did it, it helped me greatly. It would be prudent to repeat it to see if it will work.

...But if I do this alone, I will only be able to dwell on myself. Therefore, I should bring someone along so that my mind does not get too hung up upon itself, and I do not do anything bold or brash.

…...It would be rude to awaken Hisui, but perhaps Yumizuka-san would be willing to accompany me...?

* * *

I walk out of my room, having put my long red button-up dress on, re-combed my hair, and put my hairband back on.

In the distance, down the hall, I see the dim light of a candle. Someone is making the rounds, and I know who that person is likely to be. I begin to approach the dim point of light.

As I get close, I confirm that the candle is held by one Yumizuka Satsuki. She turns around at hearing my footsteps.

"...Akiha-san? What are you doing up this late?" The flame reflected in her eyes momentarily disappears when she blinks.

"I cannot sleep, Yumizuka-san. I am going to go for a walk," I state. "It apparently helps Nii-san when his mind is troubled, and it helped mine the last time I was... and it led me to you, oddly enough."

"It's still on your mind, huh?" She sounds slightly saddened. "I told you, just apologize to–"

"No, it is not that, Yumizuka-san. I will do that tomorrow when I will see her next. Now I am trying to find..." I sigh. This is so absurd, talking about such a thing... "...I am trying to find myself."

The red-eyed vampire blinks. "Wow. That's like a million in one thing when you don't know."

"Yes." I look to her a little more directly. "However... I also feel that some company to walk along with me would be a nice change of pace, as I rarely get to have such walks, much less with another person. So... would you like to accompany me?"

"Now?" She blinks. "Uh, I was just doing the rounds as usual. I'd have to tell Hisui so she could–"

"...Let her sleep," I order.

"…...Let her? But what if the house gets attacked?" Yumizuka-san asks inquisitively, not understanding my motives.

"It would be unlikely at best. If anyone is a target, it would be myself, Yumizuka-san." Obviously, I would be the intended target of such an assault, not some simple human like Hisui. Well, aside from her similar background as a Synchronizer like Kohaku is, that is.

"…...You got a point," she says, pursing her lips slightly. "Alright then... let me get my coat. It's way too cold to wear just my uniform outside now..." With this, she walks off.

...Hm. I had thought that a vampire could not feel hot or cold.

…...It is certainly possible that she is still thinking with a human mindset, and obviously she is not so far removed from humanity that she would not remember such sensations as hot or cold. She has enjoyed hot tea, hot meals, and hot baths here, so obviously she still enjoys such things. If she were a true vampire, she would not care if the food or drinks were hot or cold, or the temperature of her bath.

…...Then again, were she a true vampire, she would have no interest in hot tea, or hot food. She would have already gone for my, Hisui's, or Kohaku's necks.

This, among some other reasons such as her compassion and empathy, is why I cannot truly class Yumizuka Satsuki as a vampire. To me, she is more of a person afflicted with something she cannot control or change, and must simply live with.

...A situation not dissimilar to mine, really, when I think about it.

Changing her clothing would also make sense. For example, her school uniform is different from mine. The skirt, notably, is considerably shorter. While on myself the hem of my skirt reaches slightly above my knees, Yumizuka-san's school uniform barely covers her backside. It is definitely shorter, to the point that it is nearly exposing places that boys should not see, and no doubt it would make her feel cold on this night, so close to November.

…...November.

I sigh. I had nearly forgotten about that for a brief, blissful time.

November 1st, technically, was when Nii-san and I had our nearly fatal fight a year ago. It was after midnight, but not quite dawn, at his school of all places. The same school, as it turns out, where Yumizuka-san had attended.

Perhaps even near the same classroom.

I do not know, and truth be told passing by the building, which for a brief few days brought me joy, now fills me with dread. Such memories have a way of sticking in your mind more than most.

There are few kinds of memories that can remain as long as those that cause you pain. One of those kinds would be very happy ones. I do not have many of these. Nii-san returning, Kohaku saving us both, Nii-san awakening from his coma... those are the most recent ones. Those are the only ones I can fully think of off the top of my head.

Another kind would be very depressing ones. I have more of these than I care to count. I do not even want to attempt to count them; that will just make me feel even worse. My childhood... I do not recall any memories of happy times there, except for ones with Nii-san. Aside from that, my childhood is something that I would say is probably best forgotten, and something that I would never want to repeat, and would change if I could.

Fortunately, Yumizuka-san saves me from dwelling on this further by reappearing.

...The tan coat she is wearing is not much longer than her school uniform was. She looks nice in it, but the bottom of it reaches down perhaps to the middle of her thighs, only slightly lower than the skirt of her school uniform.

"...Yumizuka-san. Do you have something... longer?" I dust my dress off slightly with my hands to emphasize it.

"...Uhh... not really... I did at home, but I seriously doubt it's still there now." She sighs.

"I see," I tell her. "Well, tomorrow, Hisui will be getting you newer clothing, as I said."

"I don't want to impose, Akiha-san..." She looks away, as if it were a child being caught with their hand on the top shelf, where, as the saying goes, mother hides the cookies.

"It is not imposing. It is a matter of necessity. And, admittedly, a bit of modesty. You would be quite a target for rapists, were you to walk out in such a short skirt that nearly exposes your underwear," I state matter-of-factly.

"...They'd be the ones regretting it if they tried anything." She smiles broadly. Her fangs are fairly visible.

…...Of course.

Yumizuka-san is a vampire... perhaps not in spirit, but in body, certainly. She could rip a heart out of a man's chest and drink the blood from it before he is even dead, and to her it would be like putting her fist through a sheet of paper or cotton candy.

"Yes, but we are trying not to kill people unless we must, Yumizuka-san. There are certain... elements that would be aroused if the body count begins to pick up." Such as a certain Churchwoman whom, while I get along with her, I would still rather not have her encroaching on my business.

"Yes, I know. I ran into a few..." she sighs, blinking. "Uhh, they attacked me and nearly killed me, but I didn't want to hurt them, so I didn't fight back, and that seemed to discourage them. They fled after saying they'd keep an eye on me."

"For all of its supposed fervor, the Holy Church tends to be merciful to those who try to retain their humanity," I reply. "Anyway. Let us go. The night air shall do us some good."

"Yes. Let's." With a nod and a smile, Yumizuka-san consents, and we exit the house, locking up behind us and leaving Hisui behind in worry-free sleep.

* * *

The cool air feels pleasant on my skin. I can see my breath hanging in the air slightly as it exits my nose and mouth. I can see it likewise exiting Yumizuka-san's as we begin to walk around aimlessly, going nowhere in particular, just out to enjoy the night.

"Yumizuka-san... may I ask where you got that coat? You did say it was yours, but you did not return to your home, did you?" I ask her.

"Ah, no," she says. "Honestly, I'm not sure how it was brought back... I was talking to Hisui about myself and what I left behind, and as we were talking, Kuro Neko-san came up and rubbed against my leg a little, so I petted her and she ran off. I laid down around perhaps nine or ten, and when I woke up to help Hisui with the chores, I found my coat had gotten to my room somehow." She hugs herself. "Ahh, I missed this coat... I liked it quite a lot, and it keeps me warm."

"...Except for your legs, of course. I would not like it if my thighs were so... exposed." I state, with a slight shiver at the thought of someone being able to look so closely near my private places.

Yumizuka-san laughs slightly. "It's just what's in fashion nowadays, Akiha-san. But don't worry about being in fashion. Long dresses suit you really well, so don't feel pressured to follow those trends."

"I never do anyway," I state as I flip my hair. "I am not out to win popularity contests."

This comment, too, makes her laugh. I feel slightly angry, but it is a good-natured laugh, and not a mocking or a condescending one, so I decide that I should simply let it go. There is no sense in getting angry over such a thing, as Yumizuka-san does not intend to anger me like that.

"Akiha-san. May I ask you something?" Her voice speaks up after a few minutes of walking together in silence.

I nod. "Go ahead, Yumizuka-san."

"...It's about your fight with Tohno-kun last year. Is... it okay?" Her tone changes slightly, as she knows she is asking a personal question. It is clear that by her tone that I am under no sort of obligation to accept her request, and if I choose to, I may refuse it without further question.

...Well, I certainly do not like talking about it if I can help it. But... this walk is to purge those demons, if not the demon inside of me.

…...Plus, I must admit, Yumizuka-san seems to be talented at gauging people on an emotional level. She would have made a very good counselor or something, perhaps... and even if not, she certainly would help those whom she considers her friends.

...By that logic, then, I seem to have become someone that Yumizuka Satsuki identifies as a friend. Then again, with what I did for her, this is no coincidence, so it would only be right to extend such a courtesy to her. After all, accepting my offer means that she is bound to find out all of these sorts of details eventually anyway, and truth be told, I would rather that if anyone were to tell them to her, it would be me, as Hisui was not there, Nii-san was thinking more like Nanaya Shiki and so his memories of the event are somewhat hazy, and Kohaku may present a possibly distorted version of such events due to her own guilt.

"...Ask," I say after that thought.

Yumizuka-san nods. "Well... correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't really forgiven yourself for it, have you?"

"…...I cannot," I admit. "I was weak and controlled easily by the one I hate. If either myself or Nii-san would have died, whoever would have survived it would have been very bad for. Myself, I probably would be a mindless demon. Nii-san... he would no longer exist in a mental sense. All that would be left would be the cold, expert killing personality of Nanaya Shiki."

I feel Yumizuka-san's hand close carefully around mine. The skin is warm and soft. Confused, I turn to her.

"Akiha-san. Tohno-kun wouldn't like it if you keep beating yourself up over it, would he?" She states simply.

"Well..." I think about it for a moment. "...probably not."

"So stop doing it." She says it with a giggle.

"If it were that easy, Yumizuka-san, do you not think I would have done so months ago?" I ask.

"Of course it's not going to be easy, Akiha-san," Yumizuka-san replies. "But if you ever want to be able to get over anything, you have to stop regretting all your mistakes, you know? 'To err is human, to forgive divine.'"

"...Alexander Pope, I believe," I state.

"...I wouldn't know who," Yumizuka-san states with a laugh. "But I do believe in that. You have to forgive yourself for your mistakes, or else you're just going to spend your whole life beating yourself up for every little slip-up, you know?"

It does make sense, I suppose. Nii-san lives his life as if the previous day's mistakes and worries scarcely mattered, that tomorrow was all that was important. The chance to live another day, to make new friends and enjoy the friends you already have to the fullest.

But, that is difficult for me to do. Never in my life have I been able to put the past behind me as easily as Nii-san can. If I were able to, then I would not still hate myself, hate "him", hate Otou-sama–

…...…Otou-sama.

The greatest victim of us all, Kohaku said. Otou-sama.

He who could not even remember the things he did to Kohaku... Otou-sama.

He who was forced to be harsher, stricter, and uncompromising to myself... Otou-sama.

He who had to live with all of that guilt, and had no choice but to swallow it, knowing he was to die soon…...… Otou-sama.

...How can I feel so bad about myself when in comparison my problems are completely trivial? I know I am not dying soon. My problems are in the past. I have mostly what I want, so why…...

…...I feel like I want to cry.

"…...Akiha-san?" The worried voice of Yumizuka Satsuki.

I cannot respond. My mind is preoccupied with thinking about Otou-sama now.

Born into a life that he did not ask for, with a family of cursed blood. Groomed – no, forced – into the position of eventually becoming head of it someday. The child, beaten out of the boy, likely ceased to exist before the boy physically stopped existing himself.

Otou-sama knew from the day he learned about his blood, from his parents, that it was not a matter of if, but when, he would suffer from the Inversion Impulse, as all male Tohno eventually do without fail, and nearly all of them do so before they reach the age of forty. He knew no matter what he did, what friends he made, what choices he decided... that his time on this world would be more limited than most.

Oka-sama did not, because Oka-sama died long before Otou-sama even began showing signs of impending inversion. Otou-sama only really began losing the ability to control his blood about nine years ago, around the time that Nii-san was nearly killed by "him." I know that unless Otou-sama would have been very near inverting, Otou-sama would never have told anyone. Not even her. I did not know, myself, that Otou-sama was inverting until I found Kohaku's...

…...Him, keeping that from me, was simultaneously his greatest sin and triumph.

Sin, because had he told me, I would have tried to help him, in any way that I possibly could have. He was my father and I was his daughter; of course I would do whatever I could. A daughter cannot help but love her father, after all, and while he was strict and stern when it came to raising me for the knowledge a head of the Tohno needs to know, other times he was very kind and loving.

Triumph, because if I had walked in at a bad time... it... might not have been Kohaku he raped... instead... it... may have been…...

…...Why…...?

Why do we have to deal with this injustice…...?ǃ

None of us asked for this in our lives! Not myself, not Otou-sama, not even "him!" Not a single one of us asked to be born into this world! And if we were somehow able to see our lives before we lived them, I think that we would have refused.

And we're all forced to be damned this way, just because of our heritage! Just because, thousands of years ago, a race of demons mated with humans... and we, the Tohno, are their thrice-damned half-breed offspring.

The results of a demon falling in love with the beauty of a human... or the more likely explanation, the hellspawn of a human woman who was raped, and we are the illegitimate bastards of their union.

Through hundreds, or maybe even thousands of years, the human sides of our souls and intelligence grappled with and eventually won over the demon side, and we became more human than demon... at the cost of greatly reduced lifespan since to resist the urges to kill meant that we would inevitably be killed by the rejection of our killing impulses taking over our bodies. Then we would become mindless beasts, unable to do anything but listen to those urges. Those urges that say kill. Kill. KILL. **KILL. **_**KILL. **__**KILL!**_

I am blessed... I am blessed because I can control my blood. I can resist the inversion impulse completely. I can live a full, lengthy life, now that I do not have to support Nii-san's life with my own. Tohno Akiha is the rare example of a Tohno for whom a full, normal, human lifespan, if not longer, is not just a dream, but an actual, potential reality, as long as I am not killed by some form of disease or accident.

...And yet, here I am, complaining about how difficult this all is? How I have this horrible, difficult, incredibly hard life... because I got into an argument with a friend over a silly little comic book?

Who the hell do I think I am...?ǃ

This is nothing. Nothing!

My problems are insignificant. Otou-sama would have killed to have had the chance at the life I can have. Perhaps even "he" would, too, if he knew it would get him back to normal. Because the fact of the matter is that my problem is not only incredibly minor compared to what Otou-sama or "he" had to deal with... it is so minor it is insignificant.

And yet, here I complain, and hate myself, and... really act like a spoiled child who is not happy because she cannot get all that she wants.

What a foolish thought.

An idealistic, perfect, happy life is impossible. It is especially impossible for one who is a bastard of two races and does not feel she belongs into either one.

Yet furthermore, it is impossible to have a perfect existence, fundamentally. Unless one is a god or a goddess, there is no such thing as perfection, only the constant desire and want to attempt to attain it. Some beings may be gods in certain circumstances, but eventually they will return to a point where they are just as vulnerable to the whims of another.

And here I stand, naïvely wishing for some sort of perfect existence.

…...I do not deserve such a thing.

There are those more noble than me. Those who deserve such a life free of worry, problems, trials and tribulations far more than I do. Such an easy life is best given to someone who is far more deserving of it than I ever shall be.

…...One of those people is standing right next to me, on my left.

She is looking worriedly at me. My ears register that she is calling my name, but my brain immediately rejects it. Now is not the time to talk to Yumizuka-san.

No... now is the time to run. To flee. To get away from this intense pressure that I suddenly feel weighing me down.

I take a few steps back. She approaches as I do. She will not let me get away easily.

...Those eyes... I do not like them. They are glaring at me. How condescending. She is looking down on me, as if I were some weak-minded fool...

...I want to rip them out of her skull, and squeeze them until they pop with a satisfying gush of fluid in my hand.

…..No, I don't want to do that! Th, that's Yumizuka-san! I want to help her, not hurt her!

This chill of doom grows as I stand here. The closer Yumizuka-san gets to me, the closer I can feel Death tracing the bones of its fingers across every inch of skin on my body.

…...If I do not get away from here…...

Without thinking about it, I break into a run. I do not know why... I need to run... if I do not run, something bad will happen...

Yumizuka-san calls after me, but before long, her voice fades into silence.

* * *

* Shuubun no Hi - A holiday in Japan, on the day of the Autumnal Equinox. In 1985's case, this was September 23.

* * *

...I must get away...  
...I must get away...  
...If I do not get away, God will strike me down...

* * *

Next Week (10/17/10) – Chapter 20: "Emotional Abstracts"


	20. Emotional Abstracts

Chapter 20: "Emotional Abstracts"

* * *

I do not know how long I ran. I know it was a long while, but my brain had blocked out any sense of passing time, or of remembering how long it had been since I had started.

Truth be told, I am not fully sure of which way I ran at times, either. I changed directions. I had to throw Yumizuka-san off of my trail. I knew she would try to follow me.

I just know that I had to. I _**HAD**_ to. If I did not, I would surely have perished... this uncomfortable sensation that I can describe as nothing less than death's pure embrace, had shadowed over the area where I had stood.

…...And like a coward, I fled.

I sit with my back against a tree, feeling the emotion that I had failed to keep in check stream down my cheeks. My breathing is still quickened, and occasionally, it hitches up and I inhale sharply against my will. The clouds from my breath disappear into the cool night air, after swirling and twisting gently upon leaving my mouth.

It is not fair... it is not fair at all.

In the west, they have some sort of saying that everyone is equal, allowed to be happy, and free.

Yet... no Tohno will ever be truly happy. We cannot be.

We are too tainted... sired of a crossbreeding of humans and demons, we are forever doomed to be this way.

There is no equality. A Tohno can never be fully human, and must always struggle to keep their darker, more sinister natures in check. They have great powers, but in exchange, there is always great pains, great struggles. First with themselves, then with their own life. The simple fact is that as half a human, they have half the lifespan of one. After forty years, a Tohno lives on borrowed time. It is only a matter of time before their inversion becomes irreversible, and even in my case, it should have been. Kohaku put a stop to that, and gave me enough lucidity to revert back, but it is still only a matter of time until I am forced to invert once again for some reason, and it becomes permanent. And when it does...

There is no happiness. A Tohno is doomed to a life of solitude. Even if they marry, even if they have children... the person whom they marry, whom their human side has fallen into deep, honest love with... that person can never truly know the struggles and problems they face. There is the illusion of happiness, of contentment, but no matter how hard the Tohno desires it... there is never anybody whom they can reveal themselves completely to. There will always be some amount that must be held back.

…...I remember... I remember Otou-sama's words. The very first words I ever learned. "We live alone, and we die alone, Akiha." Those were the first words I was taught by him. And yet, I also know that seclusion does not bring about happiness. However, if done long enough, one simply forgets how to be happy...

The only freedom for a Tohno, is in death, the eternal peace that equalizes us all. From the day they are born, a Tohno's fate is sealed. One will be raised as a successor to the branch... or in my "fortunate" case, the head of the entire, global family. The others will still have their abilities, which vary from child to child. All males will invariably die around the age of forty at the latest. Females... are very rare. Besides myself, there was exactly one female Tohno whose birth was recorded in the last six generations. She disappeared at the age of eighteen; nobody knows exactly why. She ran from home and was never seen again, according to our records.

Thus, Tohno Akiha was born September 22, 1985, with no equality, happiness, or freedom. Those were all taken away from her by birthright, and they shall be returned to her upon her demise.

To mask this, she kept to herself in the mansion. A quiet little girl, who liked books. She enjoyed spending time with her brother, and talking to the new maids her father had gotten.

Then, one day, a new boy arrived. His name was Shiki, the man said. A name just like her brother, but written differently. And the little girl looked at this boy curiously.

He was a lot like her brother. They would run and play together. Laughing, and teasing, and acting as friends do.

But, they were not the only ones who would be playing.

The new boy named Shiki would take the hand of the girl, who was watching them timidly from a distance, in the courtyard. Even though his hands were dirty with dirt and grass, he would take them with the sincerest gentleness.

"Come on, Akiha! Play with us!" he would say before pulling the girl out of her chair and running off with her.

And he would make her run until she could not run. And together they climb, and jump, and just laugh when they fell and his clothing and her dress got dirty.

Before long, the little girl enjoyed being with him.

Then, one day, he had to go. For his health, the man said. The little girl said she would miss him, and would wait for him to return.

And she waited. And waited. And waited…...…

…...For eight years, she waited. In that time, she grew up, and forgot why she truly waited. By the end of it, she knew she was waiting for him, and that it would joy her greatly to see him again, but she had forgotten her original purpose of why, exactly, she told him that she would wait for him.

Then, the man died. The girl, now a young woman, took over the position of the head of the household. She recalled the boy named Shiki immediately.

And he came home. And her heart swelled in her breast. But she knew she could not just hug him. Nor could they play, as they had. They were young adults, now, not children. Children played; adults did not.

...And yet, when someone returns, the carefully-maintained illusion that they used to get through life, through the rough years…... can all just crumble to nothing, like a sand castle against the high tide.

That is what happened when Nii-san returned. He destroyed my own self-indoctrination that I was happy just as I was, that even though life was difficult, it was completely tolerable without changes. He would return, but life would go on as it had, with him being obedient to me, the head of the Tohno, and not questioning me, following my orders, obeying my requests...

…...All it took was his usual rebellious nature, and a few days later, I truly realized that I was so, so very lonely, and how badly I wanted to spend time with this boy whom, despite having lived with the girl for perhaps a year, had wound up becoming her sole reason for living...

He, who had coaxed the girl out of a life of relatively complete seclusion, and it took the space of perhaps a week for her to want him to rescue her from this life, as well...

"It's not fair!" I shout as I strike my head against the trunk of the tree, crying like a broken woman.

…...Like? No. I am...

…...I am broken.

This me... it is not a me I can be, anymore. I cannot keep up such a lie. It has done well for the last nine years, but it is exhausted and spent.

...But the one I want, I cannot have. Someone else has him, and he seems to be happy with that person, so…...

…...I do not want much out of this world... just... to love and be loved, really...

To have someone who can make me forget all my pressures and burdens, even if it is only briefly...

The human mind is not made to work constantly, and not have time for enjoyment. I enjoy things, of course... I enjoy playing my violin on the balcony on moonlit nights, and I enjoy my dancing lessons, and I enjoy the company of my friends... but, this is a deeper need. An innate human need.

...A need to be with someone who I can call my own and cherish their presence, every day.

Am... am I not even allowed to be entitled to that? First Nii-san cannot see me as a lover... that hurt, but I accepted it, because his love still exists... just not a romantic one...

Then I find Seo's doujinshi, and in my zeal to confront and convict her, she completely turned it around on me so fast I did not even realize what kind of mistake I had made in my assumption until it was far too late...

…...I hate myself.

It seems like every time I try to do something, it winds up not going to plan, or backfiring horribly...

I want to change, but how...? How is it possible? Otou-sama drilled rules, methods of thought, all of these things into my head as long as I can remember... but it especially picked up after that incident, nine years ago.

In the clearing, with the cicadas...

There "he" stands, hand gripping a dagger. A look of madness in his eyes. With a feral tone, he calls out my name.

I turn around to look at him, and he rushes. Surprised and scared, my feet remain rooted to the ground. It is only when I see the dagger being raised that I realize he intends to strike me down with it...

...And then a blur in front of my eyes.

The sound of something piercing neatly into meat. A clean, slicing noise.

The warm splash of the fluids of life on my face and body.

A cry of pain, shock, surprise, and finality.

I look up, to see "him" looking, wild-eyed, down at the ground.

As do I, and I see not the dagger in my chest, but the Nanaya child, dagger firmly lodged in his chest, wide-eyed, his red kimono ensanguined...

Nine years apart, two Tohno Akihas scream in mental anguish.

The sound of my voice of life echoing through the dead night air brings me back to reality.

I look at my hands. Shaking. The palms have been dug into by my fingernails without my realizing it, and rivulets of vermilion seep down my palms from the crescent moons engraved into them.

I feel the wind blow. Scarlet. Out of the corners of my eyes I can see that my hair is a flaring, vibrant shade. A shade that looks good anywhere except on my hair.

I pant hungrily for air. Painful. The air does not stay in my lungs, and clouds form and flow out of my mouth like a volcano, about to erupt with fury.

My blood has become excited, and I feel like killing. Murdering. Reaching into someone's chest and squeezing their still beating heart, and feeling it shudder violently as their warm blood baptizes my hand.

I feel like killing "him." Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over...!

Ten thousand deaths are not good enough for him! That day, his knife might have struck down Nii-san, but it also struck down the last bit of innocence Tohno Akiha contained inside of her...

It was bad enough that she thought she had lost both of her brothers – one whom she was glad was dead, and one whom she absolutely, did not want to die.

The one she wanted to survive, lived.

...Unfortunately, so did the one who she assumed had not.

So in order to beat her monster – the monster whose name was Death, and not Tohno SHIKI – she would have to become a monster herself. She would have to give in to that desire to murder him. To want to laugh as he cried in pain, to feel herself lick her lips as she savored his heat being plundered, and to feel herself become strangely hot with desire as he moaned in pain.

And she did just that. She became the monster to stop the monster. He is no more. He has ceased to be.

There is, therefore, no need for Tohno Akiha to ever have to use that form again. She has already used it twice – two times too many.

I close my eyes and focus on forcing out all of the hatred, fury, and primal bloodlust. "He" succumbed to his impulse. Tohno Akiha will not.

I would rather die than ever give in to it, ever again...

I force myself to breathe deeply and exhale sharply. Every cycle cools my boiling blood, bit by bit.

I feel the heat from my body dissipate through the full breaths I take, and then release. The kind of heat I do not like. The heat associated with an urge to end life.

"...Haaah..." I exhale sharply.

As I do, I feel something graze slowly on my cheek. I open my eyes to see it is the finger of Yumizuka Satsuki, and she is carefully wiping tears. Tears, despite my urge to kill, that have continued to flow.

"Akiha-san... you're crying..." she frowns. "...And your hair is red, too... so that means..."

I cannot reply. I feel that if I attempt to speak, the emotions surging in my head will cause my voice to falter, so I simply nod.

"…...Don't run off like that, Akiha-san!"

She hugs me tightly as she says this.

I blink.

Yumizuka-san's voice is a combination of slight anger, but mostly worry. Why should someone like her worry about someone like me...? It is true that I have helped her, but that is hardly something to fret about. When I would have managed to calm down, I would have found my way home fine, so there was no need for her to chase me down, really, she could have just returned home...

I sigh, swallowing some pride and emotion. "…...…Sorry, Yumizuka-san." The voice that says it has difficulty perfecting its timbre.

"It's a good thing you screamed! That was the only reason that I found you, you know! What made you run off like that?ǃ" She looks at me, slightly worried.

I shake my head. "Just... bad memories, Yumizuka-san. Bad memories of nine years ago... a day that changed my life. The day 'he' nearly killed Nii-san."

Yumizuka-san's expression of worry changes to one of sadness.

…...I feel bad for putting a frown on such an attractive face.

"Oh, that... right..." is what half-heartedly comes out of her. A look of sorrow crosses her.

…...Well, at least she cares enough about me - or at least, about Nii-san - for her to remember what I said.

...I sigh. I do not know why, but I just feel I have to get this off my chest, since she seems to have taken an interest in remembering what happened between me and Nii-san.

"...I feel like a part of me died that day, Yumizuka-san. My life was hard enough up to that point, but when that happened, Otou-sama became even more strict towards me. The few moments of joy I had in my life were gone. Even Hisui changed, in a failed attempt to cheer up her sister... it took eight years before I saw her smile again, and by that time it was unusual and unnerving..." My voice trails off.

…...This is silly. Why am I telling her that much of me so quickly? This is not like me at all. Obviously she would find out before long; one cannot live in the Tohno Mansion and not know about the Tohno, anyway, but... I am opening up to her so readily...

Yumizuka-san carefully kneels, and rests her weight on the backs of her legs. "I see... but, why are you telling me this, Akiha-san? You don't seem like the type to open up easily."

Ah. So she is thinking this too, is she? Of course. And she is correct, I normally would not open up to such a relative stranger.

...But as to why...?

I laugh softly. "Honestly? I do not know why myself, Yumizuka-san. Maybe my mind is trying to get rid of all my worries, because on Thursday and Friday I am going to be at my utter worst."

"What happens then?" Red eyes blink slightly.

"...An anniversary that I would rather be forgotten." I shiver. Now my body is trying to adjust to the lost heat from when I calmed down my blood.

...Or perhaps it is simply a subconscious aversion of what I already know to be true.

"What anniv– ...oh." She realizes. "Your fight with Tohno-kun."

I cringe slightly.

A day I would never want to relieve, or remember. A painful anniversary. A horrible reminder of a horrible time in my life, when Tohno Akiha existed virtually in name only, and the few fragments of my sanity did everything they could think of to try to stave off that murderous impulse inside of me, but they failed completely. Nothing – not even Kohaku's blood – could save me from it.

Tohno Akiha slowly slipped into lunacy, that night. A lunatic, worshipping a blood red moon, her hair, dress, and blood all the same color. A demonic triumvirate that could kill anyone it pleased, taking something that was once a man or a woman and reducing them to nothing but a mere thought.

I feel my heart wrench inside my chest, and I look down and bite my lip to prevent the tears from flowing again. I have cried enou–

Suddenly, I am pulled on. When I look up at who just pulled me, I find that it is Yumizuka-san.

"Just remember you're not alone anymore, Akiha-san. You have friends now who'll look out for you and stick up for you. You don't have to suffer in silence, you know." The smile has returned to her face.

...Yumizuka-san…...

…...…Why are you so selfless, Yumizuka-san…...?

You did not even know me before we met, really... our only connection was that we both had feelings for the same person. Nii-san, Tohno-kun... it did not matter what we called him.

But, that should make us enemies, vying for the affections of one we both love... should it not?

So why are you holding me like this, confusing my train of thought, making me feel not just accepted, but loved and desired...?

I... I do not understand this...

"Shh." She cradles me carefully, close to her chest, stroking my hair and back with her soft hands.

…...I do not deserve this...

...I cannot help but resume crying.

"There. It's okay. Let the pain out, Akiha-san. Let it out..." She wipes the tears away from my face.

I have no choice but to acquiesce to her demands.

And so, Tohno Akiha cries, held by Yumizuka Satsuki underneath a tree, in the dark of the night, allowing her liquefied pain and suffering out.

I am not sure how long passes. It may have been ten minutes, or thirty. But eventually, the pain stops, and along with it, the tears and emotions in my head cease.

"Are you feeling better now, Akiha-san?" There is a slight hint of a smile in her voice as she gently pulls me away from her now tear-moistened coat.

"...Yes." I inhale deeply through my nose to clear it, and swallow to relieve the last lingering feelings of tightness in my throat. I wipe my face one more time, getting some of my hair out of my eyes and look at Yumizuka-san. "If I may ask... why do you care about me and whether I am hurting so much, Yumizuka-san? Is it because of–"

"–Tohno-kun? No, he has nothing to do with it. I promise. I'm not using you just as a way to get to him. It's..." She sighs slightly. "It's that I know what it's like to be feeling how you feel. Cold. Alone. Scared. And to have no way to let it out... it can make a person go insane before long. I hate that feeling... feeling like you'd be better off dead, yet being too scared to do it yourself... crying every time I had to kill even the smallest animal just to survive for one day..." She looks like she's remembering some very bad things. "But, you're okay, Akiha-san. You don't need any of that to live... and you helped me... so... I want to help you too. It's the right thing to do, in my heart."

…...…I feel touched by her courage. She would definitely be my secondary preference for Nii-san, hearing words like that out of her mouth.

Maybe that is why I am able to open up to Yumizuka-san. Because she so shamelessly told me of her story, of her pains, of her hurts and fears, to the point where opening up like that to her seems not only easy, but natural.

I can honestly say that Yumizuka Satsuki is someone I truly admire. If a vampire she must be, then she is the most noble vampire I have ever met. And, aside from Arcueid-san, the only one I can really consider calling a friend.

If only there were more of them, then perhaps they as a whole would not be seen as an abomination. Yumizuka-san proves that one can resist those disgusting urges and thoughts they have, if one gives them just a little bit of help and a chance at a normal life again...

…...And perhaps if I am lucky, there will be a cure. Then she can resume a fully normal life. I would like to give that to her if I can do so at all, now. Nobody deserves it more. While Arcueid-san is a born vampire, Yumizuka-san is not.

...But I have a feeling that her opinions may have changed. When one shows mercy to someone who is as lost and in despair as Yumizuka-san was, it tends to change their outlook on life.

"…...Yumizuka-san. If I obtained that cure, would you take it?" I had asked her this a few days ago, but it always pays to check twice.

"That cure...?" She blinks. "Well... now, I'm... not sure... there are some parts of me I don't like, like this... but... I can protect others this way, too, so I'm a little conflicted..."

…...Mmm. About the answer I expected. She has realized her powers can be used in those ways as well.

She has learned that while she has a need for blood, that her powers are great, and potent. And that as long as she wishes to retain her humanity, she can.

I am no expert on vampires; that would be Ciel-san's domain. However, the times we have worked together, we naturally discussed things we stopped from time to time.

According to Ciel-san, vampires obtain the "vampire mindset" because they live solitary, desolate existences. Every human who becomes a vampire did not start out with the vampire mindset. They slowly lost their minds to the desolation of the situation, nobody to talk to, nobody to tell them things, nobody to smile to...

...Even "he" was no exception to this. The eight years of solitary confinement, unknown even to me, drove "him" absolutely, irreversibly insane.

…...…I will not allow that to happen to you, Yumizuka-san. If you must remain a vampire in body, there is nothing we can do about that. But I will not allow you to become a vampire in mindset. You want to remain a human... so, I shall do my best to accommodate that for you.

"Well, do not worry about it for now. But one day, we may have such a cure. If we do, it will be up to you if you take it." I look at her in the eyes, so that she knows I am serious. "I would not do such a thing against your will, of course, so the choice is naturally yours."

She smiles warmly. "I know, Akiha-san. And... thank you for your concern."

I return her smile with one of my own. "It is nothing, Yumizuka-san. Well..." I stand up, dusting my dress off. "...Shall we return? I feel better now."

Yumizuka-san nods, and likewise stands, dusting off her knees and shins. "Yeah. Let's go back, Akiha-san." She smiles.

And so, under the light of the half-full moon, the demon and the vampire return to a life of humanity.

* * *

...I feel much better now.  
I am not sure why she did that, but...  
...Yumizuka-san, thank you.

* * *

Next Week (10/24/10) – Chapter 21: "…...Atonement"


	21. Atonement

Chapter 21: …...Atonement

* * *

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

* * *

Sleep was deeply restful when I returned. Yumizuka-san said she would watch over me until I fell asleep, and as I laid back in my bed, I felt sleepiness quickly overtake me.

"You were asleep within 10 minutes, Akiha-san. And you looked at peace," she told me in the morning, sipping on a blood pack, as I was about to leave for my trip to school. And she said it with a smile.

Perhaps it was the crying. Perhaps it was the loosening of my emotions. Whatever it was, it felt like the first good night of sleep I have had in awhile. Even though it was less than what I would normally like - four or five hours instead of my usual six to eight - I felt full of energy. And, admittedly, in a quite good mood.

I look out the window. Trees are flying by, seemingly parting way for me as the car I am a passenger in is heading down the long, back road that we usually go down. As it is now a month or so into autumn, the trees are turning an absolutely beautiful grouping of colors.

I sigh a little bit, happily, and smile. I love it best when the leaves begin changing colors, especially the ones that turn a deep red.

I turn my attention towards what had happened yesterday, with Seo. To apology. To the words I will say. I begin to think of what I shall say–

…...…...No.

That would not be a genuine apology. Seo would notice it, I think. She would notice that it seemed too perfect, too rehearsed.

The way Yumizuka-san had talked about it and discussed it with me, it seemed to be best if it came from the heart. If it came from true feelings. No rehearsing, no pre-thinking, none of this. Simply allow your emotions to be clear and true, and so will the apology.

…...She does have a point, of course.

Yesterday reminded me quite clearly that actions have reactions. Words bring about emotions, feelings, sensations. Simply put, things I say and how I act towards another will, in kind, change how they react towards me. If I am civil with them, they will generally be civil with me, but...

...If I am not, then it is likely they will not be so with me. "Treat others as you want to be treated," as the adage goes.

…...And then last night, to be reminded painfully that what had angered me so intensely was something really small and minor compared to the problems that befell Otou-sama and "him"... it made me nothing less than a hypocrite.

It also made me realize that what I really wanted was someone in my life to take away my pains and sorrows. Yumizuka-san seems to be fulfilling that role because I helped her.

It is a strange dynamic, I know, and Yumizuka-san does not seem like she would be the type who would normally be the helping sort. After all, she has her own problems to deal with. Problems like the daily struggle of her vampirism, and of wanting to be fully human, yet not being able to be again. Not unless a cure is found.

However... Yumizuka-san never shows these struggles. She does not seem to be suffering in silence... no, on the contrary. Talking with others seems to be what she does to help deal with it.

Or to put it another way, Yumizuka-san seems to be the type who, to deal with her pain and suffering, will talk to someone, about anything, even if it is the other person's problems. In doing so, she feels she is helping, and in helping, she feels more human, and in feeling more human, she gains the strength to deal with the certain negative aspects of her vampirism.

The last thing I need, going into tomorrow and Friday, is to have this guilt dwelling on my mind. It is bad enough I shall be informing my teachers that I will be missing classes Friday; I do not need to have anything further to deal with.

Therefore... I will find Seo Akira today, and I shall apologize to her. Yumizuka-san said it would be the best, and I think she is right.

Obviously, when one comes out – no, when one ambushes another – with such accusations, indignation, and almost... insults, it is very, almost stupidly, obvious as to why Seo Akira became as mad as she did. Now that my mind is lucid and clear, I realize this.

…...And even though it is a little difficult to admit, were I an observer to this sort of situation, I would be very likely to say that the person who was accusatory was the one who erred.

…...Perhaps that was part of Yumizuka-san's lessons last night, that I, too, can make mistakes. Of course I know I can make mistakes... half of myself is a human, after all, and a human is an inherently flawed creature. Yet, the drive to be the best they can be is the human drive, almost. The desire to better themselves, to make their lives easier...

...And happier.

That was the other half. Happiness. Something I generally lack outside of very brief moments, such as being with my friends, or doing things that I enjoy.

I will admit that I enjoy the time I spend with Souka and Hanei, and even with Seo. It is refreshing to be able to forget about what I have to do, or plans I must make, and to be able to live something resembling a normal girl's life more.

…...How I envy that existence.

Tsukihime Souka, Misawa Hanei, and Seo Akira will all live far easier lives than Tohno Akiha ever will. Even though Souka had the harsher upbringing, that is the limit of her "difficulty" for lack of a better word. She will never have to worry that she will invert, and kill those she loves, and become little more than a mindless beast who murders for the sheer pleasure of it, of knowing that she has conquered the most dangerous game – man.

...But it also means that they will think more emotionally than I will. My decisions are cold and sharp. A decision with them is thought out more empathetically. While I can distance myself from the emotional impact of a decision, such a thing is difficult, or outright impossible, for them.

…...That is why my words hurt Seo Akira as they did. And, to my surprise, her words in reply cut into me more deeply than any of the cuts I have suffered battling The Dead over the last year.

Before long, the school enters my vision. I feel my heart attempt to sink slightly, but I resist the urge to feel depressed. I cannot walk in there feeling depressed. Crying into Yumizuka-san's breast was bad enough, but to do so here...

I sigh, and force it down with sheer willpower.

Thanking Ishizaki once more for the ride, I inform him that it is possible I might be slightly late today, so I shall call him when I am ready to be picked up. I do not wish to keep him waiting if it takes longer to talk with Seo than I plan.

* * *

I unlock the door to our dorm with my key, and knock. "Souka, Hanei, it is me." I enter.

I see neither Hanei, nor Souka inside. Strange... usually at least one of them is here. Even if Souka is out, which is somewhat uncommon, Hanei is usually here, combing her hair, brushing her teeth, washing her face, applying acne cream, filing her fingernails... really, anything she can think of to keep her natural physical beauty in top form.

"...Souka? Hanei...?" I walk in, and look around for them.

This is when I hear the door shut behind me.

I turn around... to find Seo Akira standing there. Behind the door as I had done. And she looks…...

…...…Guilty.

"…...Seo."  
"…...Tohno-senpai."

We both just look the other down for a few seconds. Her green eyes into mine, and my blue eyes into hers. Silence fills the room, as if it were some heavy gas that was filling the air, making it thick enough to stick in one's lungs.

"I am sorry."  
"I'm sorry."

"…...…..."  
"…...…..."

…...Well, for the moment, it seems our minds are joined as one.

"…...I was wrong for lying and tricking you," I offer.  
"…...It still didn't give me the right to go off on you like that," she replies.  
"You would not have if I had not deceived you." A riposte.  
"That hardly makes it right to have did it." A counter-riposte.

"…...…..."  
"…...…..."

Well, it seems we are both stuck. I had half-figured that such a stalemate was a possibility... just not in the form of this apologetic stalemate. I had figured we would very likely be arguing, not finding the right words to apologize.

...The fact that we are not is a very good sign.

I look over Seo Akira. Her face, normally with a rather cute smile, is tinged with regret. Regret, worry, nervousness... all of these, and more. As I look her over, her eyes look towards my face, and then drift up into my eyes, and they quickly resume looking down.

…...Subconsciously, she is submitting to my will.

"...Where are Souka and Hanei?" I ask.

"…...I told them I wanted to talk with you. They kinda heard about our spat and quickly got out of here." She wills herself to look into my eyes once more, since I am not examining her face so carefully.

...Leaving the war zone. Prudent.

"Well then... if we are both conciliatory, shall we sit?" I offer.

"...Yeah." She walks from her hiding spot behind the door to the table. I pull out the chairs for us both, and take my seat, and she takes hers.

…...The timing is right. Do it now.

"…...Seo. I apologize for my accusatory reactions towards you." It comes out... like I had rehearsed it, even if I did not. Dammit, this is what I had wanted to av–

"...Yeah. Sorry for flying off the handle like that, Tohno-senpai. I'm private about my work, you know that..." Seo Akira seems to not even notice the incorrect rehearsed-like nature of my apology.

I blink. She... did not say anything about it? Then, perhaps this is affecting her even more than it is affecting me.

...It must be, actually. Waiting like she did for me to come into the dorm is not something Seo Akira would normally do. No... it would be something to do if she wanted to be one hundred percent sure that she managed to find and talk to me. Tohno Akiha is a woman locked into routine, and that routine can get broken by external forces...

…...But the one part of her routine that is, without fail, consistent is that she enters her dorm room sometime between seven-thirty and seven-forty five every single morning, so that she gets at least a few minutes to talk to her roommates and friends.

...It would also be the best time to find her if one was feeling guilty about an argument and could not wait for later in the day to get it off her chest.

"…...About that, yes. I would not have cared had that woman not looked so much like me. It is not my job to stifle your creativity, or tell you what you can or cannot do, but please... if such a character must exist, alter her more so that she does not resemble me so much, Seo. If you do that, then I do not mind even if your stories must be romance ones, but I do have a reputation to keep."

Yes. That was really the whole reason why I got so angry over it. My reputation.

For a girl who only has few friends and few things she can be proud of, a reputation can be an incredibly important part of them. It is something I have worked hard at to obtain, and I would not want my reputation to be tarnished by Seo Akira drawing a girl that looked very similar to me, because it would not take much for someone to see it and suddenly make all sorts of false accusations about my character.

"…...It..." Seo mumbles something.

"Hm?" I listen a little more closely.

"It…... is you, Tohno-senpai..."

_**THUMP.**_

Those words came out slowly. Haltingly. As if afraid that if they came out, they would respark the whole argument once more.

"...Seo, you said yesterday it was just an image," I state, somewhat in shock. It... was me after all...?

"Yeah... an image... from my head... an image of the future, Tohno-senpai... that is what I drew..." The words come out even more nervously.

…...This is not good.

A vision is one thing, but... from the future? Then, this means... we will be together?

…...That is an absurd thought. But I bite my tongue. This sort of thinking is what got us into our argument yesterday. Besides, there is the simple fact that neither of us are romantically attracted to girls...

…...Right…...?

I know I am not... and I believe Seo has said before that she was not, but suddenly, my memories of yesterday are being hazy instead of sharp as they should be.

"…...But... you are not... ah, how to put this..." I struggle to find the polite way to ask this question.

...Ah, how **DO** I put this...

"Lesbian?" She says it so bluntly it throws me off a little.

"...Well... yes." I blush slightly at her forthrightness.

"…...No, I'm not." Seo stretches in her chair before resuming. "I'm not sure why I saw it either... or how I knew that it was you and me without a doubt... but it was a nice image, so I decided to draw it. But I knew since it looked like... well, what it looks like, that you'd freak out if you found it. So I'd hoped you didn't." Her words come out honestly.

This, then, is the truth. And of course... she was right. I reacted exactly how she thought she would, the one-track mind of Tohno Akiha being that thoroughly predictable.

"...But I did, by a sheer accident. If that doujinshi had not fallen out of your bag, I would have never seen it, and all of this would have been averted," I state.

"...Yeah... But you did, and went through it, but pretended that you didn't. So I was really worried when you said you found it, and trusted your word that you didn't... but of course, you did, and I got so angry that you lied and looked and I just... lost it..."

Her lower lip quivers slightly. As if holding back tears.

…...…...I know for a fact that I seen this before.

Because, last night…... I was in this exact same situation.

Then... I know exactly what to do.

I move my seat over closer to Seo, and pull her towards me carefully.

"T…...Tohno-senpai…...?" She looks up at me, blinking, wondering just what I am going to do. After all, I usually do not touch her too much, outside of the occasional hug.

…...But, this is more than a hug. No. This transcends such a simple act. This is a way to relieve pain, worry, doubt... things that have been eating Seo Akira, just as they have been eating Tohno Akiha.

…...And since I started it, it would be impolite if I did not finish it, would it not?

"...It is okay, Seo. Go ahead and cry if you wish to." I carefully move one of my hands to the back of her head, and the other to her upper back, and I rub them both, carefully, remembering that Yumizuka-san had done the same thing, and that such gentle encouragement meant that it was okay to do so.

After a moment, I feel her push her face slightly into my chest.

And... tears.

I look down at her and see her shoulders shrug repeatedly, as she is crying into my seifuku. I can feel wetness beginning to soak in on the part she is crying into, but it seems trivial to worry about such a thing. Her breathing catches and hiccups softly as she is allowed to release the pain.

...What is more important right now, is that Seo Akira is allowed to release the pain that has built since yesterday. I have gotten to release it…... she has not.

And, just like I had learned last night from someone whom is important to me, I just stroke her hair and comfort her as best as I can until she seems to have cried it all out.

"…...Let it out," I repeat the lesson I learned.

Her hands reach for my back and pull me in even closer. I can feel her fingers grip the fabric between them and clench slightly, not wanting to let me go, wanting to keep me there so that she could release this suffering. The crying gets higher in volume, both audible and fluid. There will likely be a noticeable wet spot on my breast, but I will dry that once she is done.

It is bad to make anyone cry, but knowing that I was, partially, responsible for the pain she is now releasing…... it makes me feel a little guilty myself.

…...I suppose it should. It is an unpleasant feeling, to know that I have made one of my friends cry. Therefore... I should do my best to not make her do so again if I can help it.

...Should? No. Should is not good enough. I **WILL** do my best to not make her do so again. A silent promise, said only to myself, but I shall hold myself to it.

Honesty and privacy, after all, is a small price to pay for that. To ensure that I do not make Seo Akira cry or suffer unduly. After all... I would be highly angry if someone took a look in my private possessions, as well, so me assuming that I can encroach on her possessions, no matter how curious I am, is hypocritical.

After some minutes, with a sniff, she slowly pulls her head away from me, wiping her eyes with the thumb and index finger of her right hand, and then brushing her cheeks with the back of that same hand. She swallows some of the remnants of her tears, to clear her throat.

"…...Do you feel better now, Seo?" I ask.

She smiles, even through her drying tears. "Yes, Tohno-senpai."

I smile too. That makes me feel a little better, as well. I wipe what is left of them with a small handkerchief I pull from out of my bag, and then begin wiping my breast where she had cried, causing her to blush ever so slightly.

"...So... I guess we're still friends, then?" Seo Akira's voice breaks the silence of the room once more.

"Yes, Seo. We are friends as long as you wish to be friends." The reply is so automatic it even surprises me. It rang out completely, clearly, and truthfully... without any hint or tone of practice or falsification.

As a result…... she smiles happily.

"I'm sorry, Tohno-senpai." She confirms her apology once more.

"So am I, Seo. So let us not dwell on the past, and just work towards tomorrow." As do I.

"Yeah. You're right."

Such a simple lesson, when I think about it. One that took me awhile to learn myself.

Live for tomorrow.

Nii-san understood that value since the incident nine years ago, but it is only now that I feel that I really, truly, genuinely understood it.

One's past is one's past. No matter what sorts of things they attempt to do about it, no matter how much they hate it, no matter how much they would like to go back, change, and adjust it... it is the past.

As cruel as it may be, wishing that one could go back and change things is a futile gesture. For if one goes back and changes them... one changes the very fundamental tenets of their existence. If I went back in time and killed "him," I would no longer be Tohno Akiha as I recognize her. I would be someone else – the same in name, but in personality, mind, and intellect... someone very different.

Whether for better, or for worse, that is difficult... no, impossible, to say. But that is also what makes dwelling on it so futile and pointless – there is nothing that I can change. For all I know, there may be some other dimension where I am dead, having been killed by "him." Another may have Nii-san as the killer and "him" as my savior. A third dimension may have something other than the Tohno blood responsible for his inversion... and there are surely universes where Tohno Akiha, or "him," or Nii-san, never existed. And in them all, life would go on as if it were the only one in existence.

It is a strange and difficult concept to think about, and one that a lot of people forget as they move through life. Who we are is not just a name, or even a personality, but a sum of experiences, memories, recollections, observations... that, truly, is what shapes us. It is what makes Tohno Akiha who she is, and it is what makes Seo Akira who she is.

"...Tohno-senpai? Is everything okay...?" The worried voice of Seo Akira snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Ah... Yes, Seo. Apologies, I was just thinking about something for a moment," I reply.

"Oh. Your face had a really difficult expression on it... like you were thinking something really serious."

"Well... insight will do that, Seo," I say. "Just remember that life is a fluid existence. Even though there are goals and things you want, there will be times that you cannot get what you want, especially if it is things in your past. So, do not live in the past, and just think about the next day. It was an important lesson, but a good one for me to learn, I think."

"...Lesson?" Seo Akira blinks. "...Did you talk to someone yesterday about what happened?"

"Partially," I tell her. "But that person also made good points that apply to more than just that, so it is a good thing to have learned either way. So, I will not dwell on our fight yesterday, Seo, and neither should you. We have apologized, and agreed to be friends, so let us just consider the matter settled and over with, and simply be friends again. Is that okay with you?"

"…...Yeah. That sounds like what I want to do, Tohno-senpai." She smiles.

The bells chime, signaling it is 9 AM. Damn it... I... do not wish to stop talking with Seo right now.

"…...I must go to my classes, Seo. And you." The displeasing nature of my words shows just how much I do not like this thought.

"...Yeah." It sounds like she does not wish to either.

With some reluctance, I allow her freedom from my embrace, and she just as reluctantly pushes herself away. I put the used handkerchief back in my bag, get out of my seat, and head for the door. Turning the doorknob, I open it up and begin to step through it.

…...And then I remember something, and stop in mid-stride.

"…...…Seo."

"…...…Yeah, Tohno-senpai?"

"…...Would you like to have lunch with me today?"

"…...Funny, I was going to ask the same thing. In the park under your tree?"

"Yes. I will look forward to seeing you, Seo."

"Yeah. See you later, Tohno-senpai."

I shut the door behind me. I cannot help but smile the rest of the way to my class.

* * *

Well... that went far better than I could have ever imagined...  
I am glad to have patched things up with Seo.  
Now, I will work on regaining her trust.

* * *

Next Week (10/31/10) – Chapter 22: "Under the Shade"


	22. Under the Shade

A happy Halloween, everyone! Don't get too gorged on your candy now. Instead, save some of it for me. :)

* * *

Chapter 22: "Under the Shade"

* * *

The day flies by. Unlike yesterday, where it seemed like it would not happen soon enough, I cannot wait to see Seo.

I stare at the clock. Agonizingly, the expert in torture slowly moves its hand but once a minute.

_**CLICK.**_

A light buzzing.

**…**_**...CHK.**_

And the minute hand moves.

I sigh, and I grouse to myself. I feel very antsy, nervous even, to get out of my seat. I notice that my right leg has been bouncing up and down in nervousness.

…...Or is it anticipation?

I consciously will it to stop, and it obeys.

"Really..." I tell myself quietly. "It is fine that you want to see her so badly, but..."

…...But why?

Well, that is simple, is it not? I am eager to patch things over. I know I have erred, and she has forgiven my transgression, as I have forgiven hers. Therefore, it is only natural that I am eager to resume my usual relationship with my kouhai.

But... this eager? It is as if my will is the only thing keeping my body here. It wants to go. It wants to go now, to run under the tree that I had planted as an underclassman, and the site of previous lunches with Seo Akira before.

…...So what makes this one so special, really...?

The human mind is truly a strange thing. It is capable of thinking things that the owner of the mind, themselves, do not consciously understand, realize, or even know.

…...Is this one of those moments? Where I want to meet Seo Akira, but I do not know why...?

It must be. There is no other logical, realistic, rational explanation for how I feel.

…...But there must be.

Even if one is a friend, people do not meet other people for no particular reason. When we all go to see a friend, we know why we want to go see them – to talk over something, perhaps to discuss homework, or events in our lives.

…...Truth be told... I had not even thought of what to discuss with Seo. Perhaps I should–

…...…No. Yumizuka-san said yesterday that pre-thinking things just makes them come out unnaturally and awkwardly. And based on my apology earlier and how well it seemed to work... I must say that I would agree with her opinion.

After all, pre-thinking it out means you are rehearsing it, refining it. And ultimately, that means it comes out completely fal–

_**BBRRIINNGG!**_

The bell rings.

I break my record attempt of yesterday. For yesterday, I had nearly run. Today... I am fully running.

* * *

The door to our dorm flings open as I race inside, nearly losing my grip on the handle and skidding slightly.

The cries of two girls inside.

"W-WAHHH! A, Akiha-chan, is that you?ǃ" The voice of one whose name hardly matters.  
"Yo! Where's the fire, Tohno?ǃ" The voice of another whose name is entirely unimportant at the moment.

"Sorry, I'm late!" I race inside the room, and I grab my lunch out of the small refrigerator we keep stashed in the room. I am in and out in seconds, the door closing behind me with a firm _**SLAM.**_

I am sure Hanepin and Souka are looking at each other in bewilderment. But they are the furthest thing from my mind.

* * *

"...Hah... Hah... Hah..."

My lungs struggle to keep my body fueled with energy as I push it harder than I normally do. Usually, the only times I run this fast is when I am sprinting towards some sort of scene of disturbance.

I am sure several girls are bewildered by the sight of the Demon Mistress of Asagami Private Girls Academy, Tohno Akiha, running about as fast as she can, her bag bouncing on her shoulders and her lunch firmly gripped in her right hand, but it is a fleeting thought, out of my mind nearly as soon as it entered. They are not important now; this meeting is.

And if they have something to bring up as a result of it, they can speak to me later.

I push open the doors that lead out to the courtyard grove with my shoulder. It gives way readily, unable to resist my force of will.

I take three steps into it, and then I stop, as I look at my tree.

Much to my surprise, I am not the first to my usual seating spot.

A purple-haired girl is sitting on the nearby bench, panting hungrily for air.

"...S-Seo," I gasp.

"T-Tohno... senpai..." She is similarly out of breath. Her right hand lightly clutches her chest, as she attempts to keep air in her lungs, her body greedily desiring oxygen, not unlike myself at the moment.

I walk over to the bench, and sit next to her, as we both try to calm down our breaths.

I swallow sharply. My throat, from my panting, is dry and coarse, and the swallow re-coats it with moist, much-needed saliva. It feels like sandpaper scratching, but only for a moment, and the temporary cessation in breathing results in my body seeming to readjust their clock, for my inhales are now a little deeper and slower, as are hers.

We look at each other in nonverbal communication. Her eyes seem to be saying "I can't believe you ran all the way here too, Tohno-senpai."

I am sure mine must have been saying something similar.

After a few moments, our lungs have stopped heaving. I look at Seo. "I am surprised you ran here even faster than I did." I swallow again. While I can control my breathing fairly well now, it is still a little rapid.

"Heh, I kinda felt I should be first here." Seo scratches her head and exhales sharply. "It was kinda my fault that we had that fight anyway, so..."

"No, it was not," I quickly state as I shake my head. "My lies caused this, not your drawing, so do not blame yourself."

"Well, it wasn't right that I reacted how I did... but we're supposed to be putting that behind us, aren't we?" She smiles slightly.

"Ah... that is true, and you are right. Well, I am glad we are on the same page. Although I am not first." I laugh a little.

"Yes. It's good that we are. So... let's eat! I'm starving!" Seo giggles happily, and begins to unwrap her lunch, as I unwrap mine.

Seo Akira is a growing girl. She will be sixteen in about two months, and so she is in the middle of her growth spurt, the peak of accelerated growth and the midpoint of puberty. A year ago, her body was still much like a younger girl's, but now, as I have grown in proportion a little, so has she, and while still very slim, her body is definitely starting to resemble that of a more mature woman.

Puberty is hallmarked by several changes, besides the obvious physical changes such as breast growth, voice deepening, and armpit and pubic hair. One is the mediation of the mentality of the person. Another is, in the case of girls, regular periods.

But two other less-obvious signs are increased need for sleep, and increased appetite.

Seo Akira is a girl who could literally eat nearly any food, no matter how fattening it seems to be, and seemingly never gain weight. It is a miracle, really. I feel odd if I eat a dessert that's 350 grams, as if I am fattening already even as I eat it.

Seo Akira, meanwhile, once ate a dinner that was 454 grams in one sitting. It was some brand of western-style convenience food, that boasted proudly on its package "1 lb. of food." The brand escapes me, but I watched her eat the whole thing in about 20 minutes, diving into it like she had been deprived of food for a week.

It was simultaneously awe-inspiring, and absolutely filthy and disgusting.

Seo's lunch is fairly simple, mostly cold sandwiches. They do look rather nicely made, however, nearly as good as Hisui does them.

Of course, Hisui's ideas of what to actually put in her sandwiches is... eclectic, to say the least. Good if you like plums, perhaps, but if not... well, they may be best left untouched. It may be pure coincidence, but not even birds will use Hisui's sandwiches for food.

I open my bento box.* Everything is neatly partitioned, from the rice to the vegetables to the small snack.

"…...That looks pretty good, Tohno-senpai..." Seo Akira's eyes are dancing over my lunch.

"Does it? Would you like a little, Seo?" I ask, knowing full well the answer that would follow.

"Ah, if you wouldn't mind, please!" She smiles.

I carefully dole some out for her into her own box after she makes room, smiling happily as she watches me carefully move some of my lunch from mine into hers.

"...Seo. Would you mind if I were to perhaps eat lunch with you a little more often?" I ask.

"...You mean you'd want to eat lunch with me once in awhile?" She blinks as she stuffs a mouthful of food in her mouth.

"Of course," I tell her. "I only rarely get the chance to eat with Souka and Hanei, and every once in awhile some extra company is nice. That is, if you are comfortable with the idea of eating lunch with me..."

"O-Of course I am, Tohno-senpai!" It comes out so honestly that I cannot help but think it is true.

"Then let us try to meet for lunch here at least once a week on Wednesday. Is that acceptable to you?"

"Yeah," she says as she smiles. "That's fine, Tohno-senpai."

"Good. Then we are in agreement." I smile back and begin to eat my own lunch.

I feel truly relieved that Seo and I have made up. Neither of our behaviors were very acceptable, so logically it was only natural that we would both feel guilt for what we had both done and apologized.

Seo seemed to be more sure of her desire to apologize, though. Of course I had planned to seek her out, but not only had she waited inside our dorm for me to enter, she shooed Hanei and Souka away for necessary privacy.

...Still... did she make up because she thought what she did was wrong...?

…...Or did she have some sort of ulterior motive in apologizing...?

"…...Seo."

"Mmm?" She looks up, tearing off a piece of sandwich with her teeth and chewing.

"…...Let us say that somehow the events you foresaw would happen. How would you feel about it?" I have to know. Neither Seo nor myself are interested in the other in that way, but perhaps it is some sort of strange circumstances that make it happen.

"Hm," she says followed by a swallow. "Well... I guess realistically it wouldn't be too bad. I mean... I know you're no sick rapist or anything... a little hardheaded and shortsighted, but there's definitely worse people than you, Tohno-senpai."

…...It is quite the interesting answer. And considerably thought-out.

It is unlikely that Seo and myself will be a couple, barring some great catastrophe such as every single human male on the planet dropping dead, of course, but at least it is nice to know that she would not be completely repulsed at the idea.

Because, the truth is... I am not fully repulsed by it either.

Much as she said, I could certainly select worse people than Seo Akira. Sure, she is hyper, a bit shady, and she utilizes her cuteness to her advantage so much it is bordering on unfair, but at the same time she is a charming, attractive girl. A perkier version of Hanei, perhaps, although admittedly without the breasts.

As long as Seo does not grow a larger bust or find a boyfriend before I do, then I shall be comfortable with that answer. But were it up to me, she would definitely be switching to a low-sugar diet.

"…...How about you, Tohno-senpai?" Her question comes out suddenly.

"Eh? Myself?" I think about it for a moment. "Ah, well, I suppose I would not mind it either. You have your own flaws, but a relationship with someone means not only accepting that they have flaws, but accepting the flaws themselves, does it not?" I scoop some rice into my mouth.

"Yeah, it does Tohno-senpai," she states. "I mean, I'm not perfect either... look at me... I'm short, I'm flat, I'm a bit too hyper at times..."

"Ah, do not worry about any of that, Seo," I say. "You are sure to find some boy who likes you quite a lot someday, so do not rush it. Those sorts of things attract certain types of boys. ...Well, maybe not the 'I am short' and 'I am flat' parts, but surely you get the idea, correct?"

...Then again, some males do like smaller-busted women. Where they are, I would like to know, as I certainly have failed to find them, but then again, I am talking about a school where we have set up our own "We love Misawa Hanei" page on our internet domain.

An all-girls school, that has written a webpage for her. There is no doubt that Misawa Hanei has her admirers among the students at Asagami. Perhaps I should be thankful that there are no boys here...

"Yeah, I think so, Tohno-senpai," she nods. "Basically you're saying that I shouldn't try too hard to change myself or I'll stop being myself, right?"

"Yes," I say. "That is exactly it, Seo. Even though some of these things drive me insane, I admit that they are also the things that make you the friend that I like. So please, do not change them unless you want to. I have seen what change can do to someone firsthand, and... it can be quite scary."

Well, I have done more than "see" it. I have done it. I have transformed – or rather, reverted to something less than human – under extreme stress.

I was no longer who I was. I was just... a shell. And someone else was inside that shell.

No longer a human. A demon. A true demon. Not the demon that I am joked to be here. This demon was a pure demon. Only caring about what it wanted. Not caring about anything else but her single goal, like some kind of zealot.

All she cared about was making one person hers. And that one person refused. So the demon no longer needed a reason to keep him alive. She resolved to try to kill him.

But he outsmarted her.

He used her one-track mind to his advantage. He was able to predict how she would react. He knew her better than she thought he would.

And when he outsmarted her, she tried to kill herself.

And that happened on…...

…...…...I shake it out of my head. No, I will have at least one more good day before I deal with it! I will have one more good day by eating lunch with Seo and forgetting about this!

"Tohno-senpai? Are... you okay?" Seo Akira looks at me, her deep green eyes blinking. A slight look of worry and concern is on her face.

"...Yes, I am fine, Seo. Just a strange thought. Nothing serious." I resume eating my lunch.

As we continue to eat and talk, I cannot help but notice that Seo Akira genuinely seems to be happy to be here, spending time with me. She is smiling slightly, even as she eats.

Well, that should come as no surprise, really; the girl seems to idolize myself and Nii-san.

It is admittedly strange to have someone looking up at you like that. I am not used to such amounts of attention. For someone like Hanei, being a school idol is an easy thing; She has most of the qualities one wants in an idol. A gentle personality. Very easygoing. A very well-proportioned body that just about any girl would be jealous of.

Myself? I have a sharp tongue, a cold attitude, a small bust, a reputation for being someone not to cross, and my one positive trait, a hard work ethic.

Still... Seo Akira looks up to me.

Why? I do not fully understand why.

"…...Seo. What do you see in me?"

"...Mmm?" She looks up at me, chewing a piece of apple.

"I mean, what do you see in me that makes you idolize me? I am not the prettiest girl or the easiest one to talk to, so... why me?" I want to know this. I want to know why. I want to know why someone like Seo Akira would ever willingly put up with my occasionally cruel words, thoughts, and punishments...

Seo swallows the pieces of apple in her mouth. "Well... I like people who are smart, and you're one of the smartest people I know, Tohno-senpai. Plus, you are attractive, in your own way. I'm kind of amazed you don't have a boyfriend yet, to be honest."

...Well... I thought I did at one point... but Seo would probably drop dead if I told her who.

…...But... attractive? Me? I think I am pretty, perhaps, but... attractive...?

"Well... a lot of males go for physical attractiveness, Seo," I say with a little difficulty. "Surely you realize this. Instinctively, they are seen as more fertile and able to produce children. A woman such as myself does not have that same appearance, so unconsciously, males tend to avoid me..." My voice trails off.

Yes. That is the reason why, really. My body is not as attractive as Hanei's, or even Shijyou Tsukasa's, so a male is usually not interested in Tohno Akiha. If one is, then usually my attitude and demeanor will scare them away...

"...And if they aren't driven away by that, your attitude or words will do it." As if reading my mind, Seo Akira aligns herself with my thought.

"...Yes," I say, confessing some of my flaws. "I try to keep them in check, but I am only human. Sometimes they get the best of me, and I regret it later..."

"...Yeah. I know that feeling..." Her own voice in solemn agreement.

Yesterday. She does not even need to mention it.

"...Do not beat yourself up over what has happened, Seo. Live for tomorrow. Someone has been telling me that for awhile now, but I think it was really only very recently when I learned the true meaning of the phrase."

"...It's a nice phrase, Tohno-senpai." She smiles. "And they're right, too. Everyone makes mistakes, so rather than think of it as flaws, just try not to repeat them."

A surprising amount of maturity from a usually immature girl.

"Easier said than done, of course," I add. "Still... if we made no mistakes, we would be gods, not humans. And if we were gods, this world would be a vastly different place."

…...Though, whether better or worse is hard to say. For after all... if we were all gods, what point would there be in being a creator of existences?

"...Tohno-senpai? Can I ask you something?" A sudden question from Seo Akira.

"Of course, Seo. What is it?" I look to her.

"...Do you believe in a God?" It comes out a little nervously. "...Uh, I know it's a sensitive question, though... so if it's a sensitive issue, it's okay not to answer it. But if you don't mind... I'd like to know what you think."

…...…...Hm. Come to think of it... I never really thought about the question all too deeply. I mean, I know some truths from Arcueid-san and Ciel-san that Seo could not possibly know, but still...

…...Well, I suppose that Seo has been patient with me, and was willing to forgive my lapse in judgment yesterday. On those grounds, then, I will answer her question.

"Well... Now, I am not sure if there is a god or is not. I suppose I would be of the camp that would say rather than 'Does a god exist or not,' I would be of the group that would say 'We cannot prove if a god exists or not.'"

"Ah, so agnostic, then?" Seo blinks and nods slightly as she looks at me, a bit surprised by my answer.

"Yes. Although, when I was younger, I used to think that there was a female goddess that has created us and all life as it exists. Most life is just pure life, life for the purpose of living, but to a select few, she has given intellect and sentience – us. And it is up to us what we do with our lives, whether we become good or evil, and we will be judged according to how we did things once we pass on from this realm to the next."

"...That's pretty deep, Tohno-senpai," Seo quietly says as she tries to process my thought. "And honestly... a really surprising answer. I figured you would have gone for something like Shintoism or Animism..."

"Well, it is Animism to a degree," I answer. "Everything has life, and all life is life that is worth living, but some have reached the peak of consciousness, and those ones are humans. I am not sure if it is the 'correct' answer, but I believe that as long as you strive to live a good life, that whatever god you face at the end of your time, they will take that into account. It is hard sometimes, I confess. If a god does exist, I do not think that they would judge you based upon whether or not you worship that exact, specific god or not, but if you were a good person in your character. Otherwise, most people are destined for hell, as only one religion can be correct, and I find such logic to defeat most religious arguments."

"Yeah." Seo smiles. A special bell rings... signifying that lunchtime is over. With a sigh of regret, Seo stands up and dusts off the skirt of her uniform.

…...I sigh too, and look down. It is... already over? It seemed like it was just starting, just beginning to get interesting, really...

"Well... it was nice to sit with you today, Tohno-senpai. Let's hope we can get a few more times of doing it before it begins to snow." Seo Akira opens up her bag. With a smile, she puts her empty box in her bag, bows to me in respect, turns, and walks off towards her classes.

I watch her as she walks off. There is a light, but notable bounce in her step. A bounce of happiness, one could say.

Well... I suppose that is good. For I feel happy too.

Usually, we have lunch with Souka and Hanei. Only once in a great while have Seo Akira and myself had lunch completely by ourselves... usually when we both had to work on some kind of project for the Student Council or Student Association. Those were more of a business lunch, however, and not a simple lunch that is shared between two friends.

This one, however, was something different. This was a lunch between two friends, and both asked the other for some more personal thoughts.

It is strange how that works. Two friends can fight one day, and make up and become closer than ever the next. Nii-san said that his and Inui-san's relationship started that way, with them fighting the other to exhaustion, and bloodied and battered, they simply became friends through that, somehow.

I shake my head and smile slightly to myself at how silly it is. But I know it is true.

There is definitely one part of this that is quite clear, though.

Having lunch with Seo Akira more often...?

…...Yeah. I think I would like to do that more too, Seo.

* * *

* A "bento box" is a common type of Japanese cuisine, usually a single-serving portion or a home-packed meal, usually containing rice, fish, or meat along with one or more types of pickled or cooked vegetables, and packed into a box. Obtainable literally almost anywhere, but it is also common for housewives and mothers to make bento boxes for their husbands/children.

* * *

...I wish we could have stayed under that tree longer.  
I enjoyed that... far more than I thought I would have.  
That is not a bad thing... right...?

* * *

Next Week (11/7/10) – Chapter 23: "Sweet Home"


	23. Sweet Home

Chapter 23: "Sweet Home"

* * *

My classes for the rest of the day progress steadily and as expected. At least, they do until I receive a note at approximately 2:30 PM from the office.

It says "Call home immediately - Hisui."

Hisui would never interrupt me during my class duties unless something very important happened, so I quietly excuse myself and head to the bathroom to take my call in a measure of privacy. Even though they can be used for a lot of distracting purposes, cell phones are becoming increasingly a necessity item, and so the academy has begun to slacken its policies on cell phone use, as long as they are not used in class.

I call home. Hisui answers after a single ring. She has been waiting by the phone.

"It is me, Hisui," I inform her. "What has happened that would make you call me?"

"Akiha-sama..." Hisui's voice shakes a little. "...Shiki-sama just returned home..."

...I nearly drop the phone.

Nii-san...

"...Ah... s-send the limousine immediately, Hisui. I will excuse myself from classes..." My own voice, too, has taken on a shaky tone.

"It's been on its way since Shiki-sama arrived home, Akiha-sama..." Hisui already knew what I would want.

"Good. I'll be there shortly..." It has also lost all emotional intonation.

I hang up. I already know what the rest of today, tonight, and possibly tomorrow will bring.

I feel breathless, a little faint. My head swims slightly.

Nii-san nearly always comes home in bad shape. With the enemies he fights alongside Ciel-san and Arcueid-san...

I sigh. I hate that aspect of him sometimes. He has abilities, yes... some of them inherent to him, some of them he gained later... but... he is still mostly human. One good tactical flaw is all it would take for him to lose, and if he loses–

No! Don't think that, Akiha.

I look in the mirror. A faint tinge of red is in my hair. I am getting myself worked up, as I seemingly always do, whenever Nii-san returns from these sorts of requests that Ciel-san or Arcueid-san occasionally ask him to help them on.

I take a few deep breaths and wash my face so as to calm myself.

For the better part of a week, Nii-san has been away. After celebrating Inui-san's birthday, he and Ciel-san left for some kind of mission, at her request. It must have been quick for him to be home so soon, but...

…...No matter how quick he returns, danger is danger. Nii-san always puts himself in danger like that. I do not like it. I do not like it at all, but if I tell him not to... he will just leave anyway.

And so every time he mentions it, I instead make him promise to return home to me. To return home alive. I will settle for that.

…...But some day, he may not. And if he does not... then... I do not wish to think about what my life will become...

Heading back to my classroom, I explain there is an emergency I have to attend to, and excuse myself from class. As my instructor knows I am a hard worker, they have little objection to my occasional leaving, and after I note the homework assignments through Friday, I leave the campus, waiting for my limousine.

* * *

It is not even ten minutes later when it pulls up. I do not even wait for Ishizaki to open the door. I run up to it, open it myself, and leap right in, and he even begins driving off before I can fully close the door.

He knows what I want. He immediately hits the back roads and pushes the car as fast as he is capable of doing while maintaining control. A trip that takes an hour and a half at normal speed is thus cut down to 45 minutes this way.

Featureless, gray scenery flies outside the windows, scarcely catching my attention, as the car races down back roads, at speeds that are obviously not very legal. Fortunately, there are never police along this desolate, almost forgotten road.

I race inside the mansion, throwing my bag at the chair, and I race to Nii-san's room, flinging open the door with a loud slam, panting for air.

Hisui is standing there, attending to him as she always does. He lies in his bed, unconscious, bandaged somewhat clumsily, fresh blood soaking through some of his bandages. She looks to me, simultaneously surprised and yet completely expecting my current condition.

"Thank you, Hisui. I will take over from here," I manage to gasp out.

"Yes, Akiha-sama. I will get what you need." She quickly bows and rushes off towards our medical supplies.

I walk over to Nii-san and carefully begin to undo the bandages. Hisui, despite her lack of medical training, did a good job of at least slowing Nii-san's blood loss. She does not know how to stitch as Kohaku or myself do, but she did wrap the bandages firmly to stem the flow. They are not hugely stained, so the pressure she wrapped them with has done well to slow it, at least.

I apply extra pressure with my hands to delay it even more until Hisui returns. I can feel Nii-san's blood smear and coat my palms and fingers. I try to absorb as little heat from it as I possibly can, but it is impossible to fully stop my body's natural abilities. Mere skin contact, especially with bodily fluids, activates them. I apply as much pressure as I can with as little of me contacting his bare skin directly as possible.

...The urge to taste his blood, to feel it coat my throat, wells up from deep inside, and I force it down with sheer willpower. No! I will not drink from Nii-san! I will never drink from Nii-san...!

Hisui returns some minutes later with a tray full of what I need. Fresh bandages. Medicinal herbs. Medicines Kohaku had prepared over the weekend. Stitch thread. Painkillers. Needles. All of the things I need... except solitude and time.

"Thank you, Hisui," I tell her. "Please order dinner tonight. I am afraid I will be too busy to cook, I do not think you are in a mental state to attempt it, and I do not know if Yumizuka-san feels comfortable cooking for four."

...Truth be told, I am not even sure if Yumizuka-san can cook, but now is not exactly the time to ask.

"...Yes, Akiha-sama." Hisui bows and exits the room.

Ordering dinner is... well... not something we do very often, but sometimes - especially when Nii-san arrives home in a condition such as this - none of us are able to cook. Those are the rare times when we order out. The food, obviously, is far less healthy, but we all need to eat, and so we will eat and deal with the consequences later. Occasional delivered food, such as this, will not kill me or make me overweight.

I roll up the sleeves on my uniform, and I get to work.

Most of Nii-san's injuries are various scrapes, cuts, and lacerations. I also believe he has sprained his ankle, for the foot rests at a slightly unusual angle, but fortunately, he does not seem to have broken bones.

For a human, Nii-san is very resilient. He has come home in considerably worse condition than this before, and thankfully, this seems to be of only moderate seriousness.

…However, even moderate seriousness is very serious to me.

I do not like to see him hurt at all. I would much rather take the injuries than he. I can heal faster. I am more resilient to damage. I would be a lot harder to kill, in theory, than he would, given that unlike Nii-san, I do not need to be touching my target to attack.

...Yet he would much rather defend me.

I am the the one with the unnatural body, with genes that are a mix of human and... something less than that. But the simple fact is... Nii-san does not look at me like that. Sometimes, it is as if he scarcely remembers that I have such a "healing curse" as it were.

Instead... I am simply Tohno Akiha, his younger sister. And it is the job of an older brother to protect his younger sister, from all troubles and pains.

…Why does he insist on this? I can defend myself perfectly fine. It is not too hard to do so, especially against mortal enemies. Against the sorts of things Ciel-san and Arcueid-san are sent to kill, that may be a problem, but usually when those sorts of hellspawn show up, one or the other will warn me. It is only right that they do, after all, for I oversee this city.

And yet... I want to shelter him from it. From this all. I would rather die in his stead, if it came down to it...

…...I realize this is a weird thought, for a younger sister to want to protect her older brother. But I do not care. I do not need a reason to protect those who I love, and I love Nii-san. I love him completely. I love him even more than he will allow me to love him, but if he wanted that sort of love from me, he would have it. He, and no other.

I would not be alive now, were it not for him. I would have died nine years ago, at the hands of "him." But Nii-san dashed in front of me and took the killing blow meant to kill me.

...Is that why?

Is that why I would be perfectly okay with dying for him? To repay some sort of life debt with my own life...?

...I sigh. I do not have time to dwell over this yet. Nii-san has wounds to attend to, and he is unable to do so himself. Therefore, I will do it for him, gladly.

I disinfect and apply medicines to the cuts, then carefully stitch the still-bleeding ones closed. I wrap them in bandages, checking after an hour to see if the blood flow to them has decreased, and they have, signifying I am stitching them properly.

It takes the better part of two hours, but I tend to each of Nii-san's wounds. Carefully cleaning, stitching if necessary, and wrapping in gauze and applying pressure and ice to stop the bleeding.

Exhausted, I sigh and sit in a chair in Nii-san's room, mentally drained. Kohaku is used to treating Nii-san in these conditions so this would be no problem for her, but I am nowhere near as disciplined as she is. What I have done should be good enough, provided we keep him sedated, until she can get a good look at him on Friday.

I look down at my uniform. It is spattered and smeared with Nii-san's blood all over the place.

...Well, this one will definitely need a heavy dose of cleaning. It is possible some parts, such as the skirt, are ruined for good - Nii-san was bleeding somewhat freely, and for one or two, I used my knees and body weight to apply as much pressure as I could to the wound.

...Then again, I am not exactly a heavy girl. 45 kilograms is not all that much, although Souka likes to tease me about it sometimes, seeing as out of myself, Hanei, Souka, and Seo, I am the second heaviest, only a kilogram lighter than Hanei.

...How can Hanei weigh only 46 kilograms with a chest like hers? Surely her breasts must be a few kilograms themselves, each...

Impulsively, I lift the bottom of my uniform's top up a little. No, my stomach is fine. There is no extraneous fat.

I shake my head. "Really... getting worried about something as vain as that at a time like this... what has gotten into you, Akiha...?"

The condition of my clothing or how my physical appearance is should be the furthest thing from my mind. Right now, I should be focusing on Nii-san, and ensuring that he is okay.

He is hooked up to the monitors I have wired him to, of course, and his vital signs, while somewhat lower than I would like them to be, do appear to be stable. The bleeding seems to have mostly staunched, and his signs, while somewhat low, are stable, and slowly improving.

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

A knock on the door interrupts the song of life.

"Akiha-sama, Dinner arrived over an hour ago, but you didn't respond when I asked..." The voice of a concerned Hisui, coming to check on me.

"Ah... sorry, Hisui... I never even heard it. I must have been focusing on Nii-san... Ehm, what did you order?" I inquire.

"Pizza, Akiha-sama. Yumizuka-san saw me leafing through menus and she suggested a good place," she states. "According to Yumizuka-san, the slices are very filling, and the price wasn't too expensive. She figured you would like it."

...Funny, I did not think Yumizuka-san would have a knowledge of pizzerias. It is also, admittedly, not particularly "high-class" food. Indeed, it is, well... greasy and high in fats and oils. A person who dined on such a thing regularly would be quite seriously ill.

But my stomach will be hearing none of that. It growls so loudly it sounds like a rabid dog. It needs nourishment, and it needs it now.

I blush in embarrassment at its arrogant, brash demand.

"...Bring me two slices and something to drink, please," I ask of Hisui. "I am too exhausted to get out of this chair so quickly, and I wish to keep an eye on Nii-san."

"...As you wish, Akiha-sama." I hear her footsteps walk off.

…...Well, it is not like I do not enjoy pizza from time to time. And, admittedly, it is a rather satisfying, if calorie-laden, meal. However, I try to ensure that I have it, at most, only once or twice a month, especially if it is from an order out. If Kohaku makes it, it is a fair bit healthier, and I will allow myself to indulge in it a little more... although it then means that I will increase my exercise routine for a few days to compensate for the extra calories I have eaten.

I look over to Nii-san, his song playing in the background. His wrapped chest rises and falls.

Rise. Fall. With the very essence of life itself.

Rise.

Fall.

A soft knock and the door opening ends my slight daydream. I look to see Yumizuka-san having brought in my meal. She is wearing some new clothing, a red blouse with a cream-colored skirt that reaches down to about the middle of her thighs, and black stockings that go just up to above her knees.

Looking them for a second, I wonder how she obtained them, before remembering that Hisui was to go shopping for them today. This must have been one of the outfits she selected, then.

I must say... Hisui picked something that looks very good on Yumizuka-san.

"...Akiha-san? Is something wrong?" Yumizuka-san's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Ah, no, Yumizuka-san. I was just thinking that the outfit you were wearing suits you, is all," I inform her.

"Heh, really? I like it too. I got a yellow coat and a pair of light blue-colored shoes that go with it, too." She smiles happily.

"Well, I am glad Hisui picked things you like to wear. It is much more natural to see you in something other than a school uniform or one of Kohaku's kimonos all the time," I tell her.

With a slight nod and a "Mmm-hmm" of agreement, She sets my dinner down on a small end-table near my seat, which she pulls over. She must see my exhaustion. Afterward, she looks over to Nii-san, and sighs softly. The smile she has but a moment ago has since faded.

"…...I would've never guessed Tohno-kun's life was so difficult." She then turns to me. "And yours too, Akiha-san."

"I can manage it," I say mutedly. "It is Nii-san's life that I worry about more than my own." I carefully lift one of the slices to my mouth and bite. It is still slightly warm, and the layers of flavors mix on my tongue as I chew. I am not sure if it is my mental state or my hunger, but I find it quite appealing, although I cannot help but think that if I ate this all, my uniform's top will suddenly be too small to fit.

Yumizuka-san sits down carefully on the edge of the bed, and hugs Nii-san very carefully. She lays her head on his chest and simply closes her eyes while she listens to him breathe.

For just several minutes, I watch as Yumizuka-san embraces him closely, holding Nii-san like he was made of pure gold. Her fingers trace carefully on his shoulders, and she does not appear to want to let him go.

…...I do not really mind. We are both out of the running for potential lovers. He loves Kohaku in that way, not me, or Yumizuka-san. Plus, Nii-san is obviously in too poor a condition to be doing anything sexual anyway, and I know neither Yumizuka-san nor myself would even dare to try such a thing with the sorts of wounds he has.

"Hey... Tohno-kun... get better soon, okay? I want to talk to you..." She sighs and pulls herself away from him, wiping her eyes. I note the light amount of moisture that is on the backs of her hands from such an action.

I lay back in my chair. I feel exhausted. Making up with Seo took a great deal of mental strength, and now this has taken most of what was left along with my physical strength. I have enough left to finish this meal, I think, but then I must rest.

"Hey, Yumizuka-san... do me a favor... watch over the place extra carefully tonight. I have a feeling that it is going to be rough going for the next few days..." I inform her.

...Well, I have more than a feeling that it will be rough. I _**KNOW**_ it will be rough. Because tomorrow is...

"Eh? Of course, Akiha-san. Don't worry." She smiles and bows slightly.

"Good. Then, please leave me alone with Nii-san," I request. "I will watch him while I am able, but if you hear anything suspicious, investigate at once."

Yumizuka-san pouts very slightly. I can tell she does not want to leave Nii-san's room.

I cannot blame her. For even though she, too, knows that Nii-san has found someone to love, a girl's heart just cannot truly accept that result, not when they want it so badly themselves.

For Yumizuka Satsuki, like myself, is someone who was saved by Nii-san. He may well have saved her life, as he had mine, for cold temperatures when one is dressed merely in a gym outfit for a long period of time will eventually bring on hypothermia. Yumizuka Satsuki, along with her friends, may have died that day had it not been for Nii-san.

...Is it little wonder, then, that she desires to be with him so?

...Well, I cannot just magically make him give his heart to her... or to me. But I can definitely ensure that she gets some time with him.

Yes. That would be wise, and a nice reward for the extra trouble. Perhaps tomorrow I will allow her to watch over him.

I will be pre-occupied, anyway, with the day that will be following it...

"...Understood, Akiha-san." With a bit of displeasure, Yumizuka-san nonetheless acquiesces to my request. She bows once more, heads for the door, takes one more look at Nii-san, and then exits the room.

I look over to Nii-san. His chest continues to rise and fall, shallowly but regularly. He will live. I have ensured he will live, and Kohaku will be able to take far better care of him when she arrives on Friday.

Having finished up my meal and my drink, I walk over and crawl carefully onto his bed beside him.

"Nii-san... you idiot. You keep making me worry like this..." I say with a sigh of displeasure.

Yet, I cannot help but hug him. Hold him close to me. Cherish this moment of time that I have with him, with the one whom I secretly, to all but a few, desire the most, and can be with no other.

This body, that had protected mine nine years ago. The body that ensured Tohno Akiha would live.

This heat, that comes from the very depth of his soul. The heat of life that Tohno Akiha helps provide.

This smell, even though it is of blood and sweat. The odor that Tohno Akiha finds strangely appealing.

This breathing, soft and yet determined. The breath that Tohno Akiha has restored to his frame.

This heartbeat, strong and resolute. The life that Tohno Akiha shares with him since he saved hers.

It... It is like a lullaby to me. My grip tightens a little firmly on him, as I lay my head on his undamaged left chest.

I close my eyes, and just listen.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._  
Before long, I have tuned out the beeping of the monitor.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._  
My heartbeat resonates with his. Before long, two hearts beat as one.

I feel like I could stay this way with him, forever, without a single care in the world...

* * *

I awaken to find myself in the back alley downtown where Yumizuka-san and I had met some nights earlier. How I got here... is of little significance.

...But I am not alone this time, either.

There is a young woman, perhaps in her late twenties. Calmly, she sits against the wall, her left arm detached from her body, laying next to her legs. Her light blue shirt is more of a purple near where the arm used to be, and a red puddle is underneath the severed arm, which still occasionally twitches, and the fingers flex every now and again.

Just a little further along, by a post, is a man in his early thirties, whose leg has been bent in half twice, folding over upon itself. He ran, but not very far, it seems. There are scratch marks in the ground, and his fingernails are chipped, cracked, and covered in blood from him using them to try to stave off his inevitable fate.

A female child, no older than seven or eight years, lies down in the far end of the alley near its end, in two pieces approximately six feet apart, with only a long strand of bright, pink, slimy intestine connecting both halves. The expression on her face is one of pure horror, and her body occasionally shudders and spasms, the muscles not quite understanding that the signals they are receiving are from a confused brain that is refusing to acknowledge that it is dead. Two small red pools under her torso and legs have begun to merge, flowing towards a nearby drain.

The smell of red iron is thick in the air.

I do not feel horrified at this scene. I have seen it many times before.

Cleanup is a breeze, too. All I have to do is look at them.

One by one, they vanish as my abilities plunder their heat. Soon the man, woman, and child are but memories.

I sigh happily. I feel refreshed. Energized.

I feel like I could take on... the whole world.

As I walk out of the alley and look at my reflection in a nearby window, I lick my lips as I watch my red hair blow strongly in the wind.

What a fine meal...

* * *

I feel so alive. So alive, amongst this death.  
For after all... the strong survive, and the weak must perish.  
It is not my fault I am stronger... it is simply fate - theirs, and mine.

* * *

Next Chapter (11/14/10) – Chapter 24: "Through the Dreamscape, Black Nightmare Reality"


	24. The Dreamscape, Black Nightmare Reality

Chapter 24: "Through the Dreamscape, Black Nightmare Reality"

* * *

I walk back home, having satisfied that particular need for tonight. I cannot wait until tomorrow. I still thirst; however, it will have to wait. Too many "disappearances" at once will arouse suspicion, and I must do it in different locations so that police do not begin to pinpoint me.

I cross my arms and walk towards home slowly. Idly. I take my time, looking over every square inch of the city. _**MY**_ city. The city my family has controlled for generations, and I do not intend to give it up to anyone, for any reason, anytime soon.

The wind blows through my hair. Long. Red. Silky. Just the way I like it. Red is a good color to have, and I enjoy having as much red as possible. Red hair. Red dress. Red hands. It is so beautiful. So lively.

With pleased footsteps, and a very warm body, it is a good walk to have tonight, under the light of a full moon. A moon that, so low to the ground, looks just as red as my hair and dress do.

Before long, I arrive at home. It is dark, which is good. I do not appreciate very many lights on. I do not like people to know my business. It would mean I have to kill more than necessary, and while I would not mind that, it is difficult to run a town from the shadows when civilian police are investigating you.

I walk inside, and up the stairs to my room. I enter. Hisui is standing behind my chair, as obedient as ever. Perfectly upright. Her feet, straight forward towards me. The things that I like to have prepared and ready, all set out for me already.

She has learned well.

"Welcome home, Akiha-sama," she tells me calmly.

"Thank you, Hisui," I reply. "Were there any intruders today?"

"Yes," she tells me. "We have captured the female vampire huntress known as Ciel, as you requested."

"Good. Is she in the dungeons as I instructed?" I already feel a smile forming at the corners of my mouth.

"...Of course," comes a most efficient reply. Good. She has learned this too, and begun to learn her place.

"Then, I shall go down and see her at once." I reply with a light laugh. "Please prepare all of the things that shall be necessary for cleaning. When I am done, you will have to clean a lot, so you will be allowed an extra two hours of sleep afterward as a reward."

"…...At once." With this, Hisui walks off, and I prepare myself. Tonight shall be fun, indeed.

That damn Churchwoman has been a thorn in my side, a rat under my bed, and a cockroach in my apple pie. She has been annoying me for far too long. At first, the fights were interesting, with her pleading "Don't do this, Akiha-san!" but of course I heard none of it. Why should I? She is beneath me. They all are. They do not understand their place.

But now, they do. There is no mistake about that. I am in charge, and while I am in charge – and I do not plan on stopping being in charge anytime soon – they will obey me, or they will be punished.

For I am in control. And my soul needs to be fed.

* * *

I walk down to the dungeons. Since Otou-sama had died, I have taken the liberty of expanding these and making them extremely useful. Formerly they could only hold one or perhaps two at a time. Now, they can hold up to a dozen per cage. Cold, rusted steel, with plenty of small, sharp edges on the insides. Those who try to escape will find that they are likely to gain an excruciating case of tetanus.

Currently, one person is shackled to this cage. The female vampire huntress from the Holy Church named Elesia, or as she prefers to be known as, Ciel.

Naturally, she has been stripped naked, unable to hide her body or the shame of being reduced to the look of a mere whore. There is also a practical reason behind stripping her, however – we cannot allow her to use her weapon, disguised as her outfit, nor can we give her any extraordinary means of escape. Even if she ran, she would run from here naked, and likely be assaulted by some gang of thugs. While I would enjoy seeing her get raped, I have far... better fates in store for her.

She looks up at me, pure hatred in her eyes. Fire and blood burns behind them, and her teeth are already clenched, her lips slightly open to show them. But this is all she can do, with her arms and legs shackled to the cage and spread wide apart.

"Ah. A good night to you, huntress." I smile and bow cordially.

"Go to hell, Tohno!" She strains against her chains, trying to pull herself free. It is of no use, of course.

"My my, such hatred. Is this the sort of thanks I get from my esteemed guest?" I inquire. "After all, you came to see me. I am merely being accommodating for my guest. That is the right thing to do, is it not?"

I am met with merely a growl and the gnashing of teeth. Her hatred is making her body hot, and I can feel the heat.

"Now then, tell me... to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? Perhaps... you planning to try to foolishly attack me again?" I smile. "You barely escaped last time, but I did not chase you, figuring you had learned your lesson. It seems that you have not, Elesia."

I am met with silence from her throat, but a look that says a thousand words. And each and every single one of those words is either "kill," "die," "monster," or "suffer." If Ciel's looks could kill, Tohno Akiha would be a dead woman right now.

But hers cannot. But mine...

…...Mine can.

I smile, and allow my powers to unfold as I look her in the eyes. Ciel immediately cries out in pain, and I can feel the heat from her body flow into mine. Caressing me. Embracing me. Pouring into my very being. Every inch of my body, every opening that it has... the heat pours into it. Such a large amount of heat is contained in her body right now. It is all I can do to prevent myself from moaning due to the pleasure I feel from being filled.

I stop it after a few moments. She gasps slightly from the shock, and glares at me even more hatefully. Her body shakes slightly despite that. She puts up a strong front for me, but her body cannot lie no matter how hard she wants me to think that it can.

"Unfortunately for you, you were caught..." I click my tongue softly. "You will not be leaving here. Instead, you shall be dying at my pleasure, so if you want it to end quicker, please play along. If you do, it will be much quicker, and then we can look forward to our next meeting." I smile.

"F-Foul demon!" Then... she spits at me. A glob of saliva sullies my blouse, offending it as it begins to soak into my left breast. Disgusting. No part of Ciel's body, nor any of her fluids, are ever permitted to come close to my body except for her blood.

"…...Now why did you have to do that? I just had this freshly laundered this evening. Now it will have to go back in the wash." I shake my head. "You really should have more respect for others, Elesia. Allow me to show what happens to an ungrateful guest who invites herself and then insults the host—!"

I look at her again. More screaming.

Heat from her flows into my body, filling my core. This time, I cannot stop myself. A deep, lustful moan comes from my throat, not even noticed by her under the strength and volume of her screams. Panting slightly, I casually slide my hand under my dress and a light, idle rub reveals swollen, aroused genitals, and that wetness has begun to soak through my underwear.

I cannot help my body's reaction. Her heat is simply too good. Too delicious. An intense heat, a heat I can get from no other, for it is the heat of someone who wants to kill you and will stop at nothing to achieve it.

I crave it every day, and whenever I get to enjoy it, it sends my body into fits of pleasure. That wonderful, delicious tingling between the legs that I get every time I successfully capture Ciel. I know that she will make my body feel pleasure, without fail.

This time I let it go for a minute or two as I slowly pull the heat out of her body. It is not fast enough to kill her - not yet, anyway. But it will be quite painful all the same. It is not the first time I have gotten aroused from hearing her screams and feeling her heat fill my body better than any male ever could.

When I stop, she groans weakly and sags slightly in her chains. Her face does not look at me this time; instead, all she can do is pant laboriously from her restraints. Indeed, from the heat being pulled from her, her body is coated in a light sheen of sweat. Goosebumps stick out over most of her body, and her nipples have become erect. A slight shiver runs through her, as her body attempts to generate more internal heat.

"You do realize that since I have killed SHIKI, that I am the one in possession of your life now, yes? You live and die on my whim, Elesia. If you amuse me, I might let you die tonight... but if you prefer to be stubborn, it might be days... weeks... maybe even months or years. Tell me... how soon do you wish to die?"

…...…...Silence. Well, I know how to deal with that.

More looking. More screams of pain.

I close my eyes and moan loudly as I fill her heat enter my body once more. Her screams, creating such a beautiful, lustful song...

…...It is not long before I become unable to take it and, with a grunt, I bite my lip and feel my whole body shudder. The heat, pooled in my stomach, overflows and spreads throughout my body, starting with my groin and spreading throughout my limbs. As both my limbs and my vagina convulse, I feel my underwear stick to my body more and more, the soaked cloth a testament to just how much pleasure Ciel's heat can provide me.

A minute later, violently breathing, my eyes open. I feel so very warm and good right now…...

…...Only to find that she has passed out from shock.

…...…...Unacceptable. I will not have it.

Bored, I call Yumizuka-san over. She responds to my inquiry. Dull, red, hungry eyes look back from my mindless servitor. Breaking her has made her far more obedient and loyal. A year or so ago, it was "Tohno-kun" this and "Tohno-kun" that. Now, it does not matter. None of it does. I destroyed her mind nine months ago, by draining her heat to within an inch of her life. It shut down her mind. Now all she does is obey, like a good girl. Like a good servant.

"...Do me a favor, Yumizuka-san. Please open a drinking hole for me. I do not wish to dirty my fingers by tearing at the flesh of this woman." Calmly, I pull off my underwear, and study them for a moment. Ah... they are quite sticky, and there are more fluids than usual, even... well, it has been nearly three months since I last drained Ciel's heat. One enjoys things much more when they are not routine.

With a simple, wide smile that shows off her fangs, Yumizuka-san complies, rearing back before her hand moves forward towards Ciel's abdomen as fast as it can. Ciel screams, her consciousness restored by pain, as Yumizuka-san punches straight through her stomach. Blood and viscera splatter against the back of the cage, leaving a beautiful vermilion waterfall to cascade down both the outstretched hand of Yumizuka-san, squeezing bright, pink intestine, as well as the shapely lower back and buttocks of the blue-haired churchwoman before me. Her body shudders with sudden violence, and her breathing is noisy, and raspy, like that of a lover.

I smile and walk over. Squatting in front of the panting Ciel, I begin to lick and suck blood from the wound. As warm as her heat was from my abilities... her blood is like a nice, hot meal after coming in from an ice-cold day outside. It slides down my throat and coats it so easily, so deliciously, like it was meant to belong to me and me alone, all along. Vaguely, I am aware that fluids of arousal are dripping from me, and creating a small puddle on the floor, but I do not mind. She is lucky enough to know that her blood and heat pleases my body that fully and completely. It is a rare gift that Ciel, and only Ciel, can produce this effect in me. I am half-tempted to hoist my dress around my waist so that she can get a closer look, but she does not deserve to even think about getting to see between my legs.

I savor every lick and lap of it that I can get. Eventually, however, her body begins to heal; the skin begins to pull taut, the muscles reforming, the bloodflow slowing. With one final lick, I stand upright and step back as the wound closes up like it had never been made, the only sign of it ever existing being a bright pink circle of skin in her stomach, and the occasional red droplets of fluid that, in the process of flowing, have coated her anus, perineum, and labia. A beautiful sight, and one that I would not mind to clean up...

…...But perhaps my servant deserves a little reward for being so obedient and loyal to me now? Yes, in fact. That would be a good idea. After all, Yumizuka-san needs blood, too. The blood of those of the Holy Church are notably pure to those who need blood to survive, so this would be like a feast for Yumizuka-san.

Then, I shall leave it to her. After all, sharing is caring, is it not?

"Yumizuka-san, I leave her in your hands for now. If she keeps it up, kill her a few times to remind her that I control her life entirely. After all, as long as I control her spirit, she cannot stay dead..." I laugh.

Yumizuka-san nods and grins, her fangs showing and lengthening.

"Enjoy your time with her, then, Yumizuka-san. I will check on you on the morrow." I walk away from the dungeon. The screams, resuming once again from therein, soon fade.

Walking back into my house, and re-straightening my dress to ensure I appear at least somewhat more modest, I re-enter my room. Hisui bows politely.

"Is the bath ready, Hisui?" I ask of her.

"Yes, Akiha-sama," she says.

I am thankful for a servant like Hisui. Although originally she did not wish to stay after Nii-san and Kohaku had perished, I managed to break that. She readily agreed to stay by my side after only a little bit of plundering. She took far less work to make completely servile than Yumizuka-san did, and as a result, she was able to keep most of her mentality.

Since then, she has proven herself useful time and again in the year since Nii-san had tried and failed to kill me. Obedient to a fault, having things prepared before I ask of them, and doing exactly what she knows I would want done without being told, or complaining. The very definition of an ideal servant. It is why I kept her around, and alive.

Thanking her, I walk to the bath, and undress myself. I look my body over in the mirror. No scratches at all. No injuries of note. None have touched me unless I wanted them to, ever since a year ago. The space between my legs, with black hair, dampened by release, is still sticky with fluids, and with my dress no longer keeping it away, the scent of it begins to waft up to my nose. No matter.

With a nod of satisfaction, I turn around, walk over to the tub, and slowly lower myself into it. The blood contained inside is hot, just how I like it.

* * *

The next day, I return to the dungeon to see how Yumizuka-san and Ciel are faring.

I walk inside and then down to the cell where we are keeping her. I open the door.

…...…...Interesting.

Somehow, Ciel has made it out of her restraints, and the ash pile at her feet shows that Yumizuka-san has failed to keep her properly entertained. Oh well, no major loss. She was beginning to bore me, anyway. Useful only when it came to killing or injuring, and a liability otherwise. Servants are replaceable, after all, and no matter how fond I was of Yumizuka-san, she is no exception. After I kill her, I will simply find another.

Ciel looks at me, hatred and fury burning so deeply that the heat around her is tremendous. She is much like a furnace. She has also somehow regained her outfit and black keys, for I see one between every fold of her fingers, one behind each ear, even one held firmly in her mouth.

This... shall be amusing.

"…...…...Well then. Shall we dance, madamoiselle?" I cross my arms and await her attack.

She does not require a second invite. Black Keys are flung at me scarcely by the time I invite her to attack. Boots come within a hair's width of my body, dodged only by well-honed reflexes and instincts. She fights like a woman possessed. I humor her, toying with her, not activating my power for now. Not even attacking. I simply enjoy the breezes and sounds of pierced air that her limbs and black keys are producing as they are flung forth at me in an effort to hit me, and all are coming very close to managing to do so.

If she can strike me at least once within a minute, I will not vaporize her body. I will give her a full fight, at least.

My head moves. My body moves. My limbs move. Ciel comes so very, very close to managing to hit me, but the harder she tries, the more fun this game becomes. I am truly enjoying myself here.

40 seconds left. I feel the rush of air as she roundhouses just in front of my position as my body bends back to dodge the attack. I smile as I do so, and our eyes meet, hers with a baleful glare full of malice.

33 seconds. I jump to avoid a sweep. Her sweep is quick, but my jump is quicker. She telegraphs it by doing it from one hand.

27 seconds. She begins flinging Black Keys at me rapidly. I knock each and every one of them away. A foolish gesture, really, since I simply use my caging hair to knock each and every single one of them away before they can even get close to my body.

14 seconds. She attempts to use her weapon on me, throwing it off of her and changing it into a large pile bunker of sorts, charging at me with surprising speed... at least, it would have been had I not been ready to evade her the second she threw it off. The foolish woman forgot I knew that her conceptual weapon was disguised as her habit. With that knowledge in mind, I jump out of the way once more, frustrating her and forcing her to put it back on.

"Ten."

She attempts to jump off of the wall of the dungeon and catch me unaware. I jump back, safely out of the way, then jump out of the way of the black key that is thrown at me from midair.

"Six."

She does a kick while doing a sort of handstand. Impressive, but I am unfooled. It is too slow to come out and just expect it to hit.

"Two."

She throws four Black Keys at once in a fanning pattern. Clever... but not when I can sidestep them. I feel two of them pass within half a foot of my abdomen and rear end.

"…...Zero."

I allow my abilities to activate. She does not even have time to scream as her very body vaporizes completely. Instantly, the entire heat of the form of Ciel forces itself into my body, violating it so purely that I whimper and almost have another release. It is only by not allowing myself to get lost in the pleasure that I am able to maintain my sanity.

She will, of course, reform somewhere. But then she will have to track me down again, heh. Perhaps next time she will be a little more careful. Or perhaps next time she will simply learn that such a flashy, ostentatious fighting style is not the best one to use against an opponent who knows that fighting style all too well, including just how to counter all of the elements of it.

Or simply accept my demands of a lifetime of servitude to me, and then when her time comes, I shall allow her eternal sleep. After all, I do not need to have her life. It is merely a nice trump card to have.

* * *

After throwing the remains of Yumizuka-san into a garbage can, I return inside. Hisui is waiting for me in the lobby.

...This is a little unusual for her. Usually, it means she has found something out.

"Yes, Hisui? What do you have to report?" I ask of her.

"I have found something of the utmost importance in your room, Akiha-sama," she states with coolness.

"...Oh? And what would that be?" I inquire.

"…...…...It is something you should see. Please come with me, Akiha-sama." With this, Hisui bows calmly, and begins to go up the stairs.

...Hm. This should be interesting. Hisui would not do something like this unless it were important. On that basis, then, I walk off with Hisui to my bedroom.

Inside...

"…...Nii-san?ǃ"

H... How is he alive?ǃ

I am so stunned by this, I never even see his attack coming. Coldly, efficiently, he stabs me in the breast.

I immediately collapse, and I begin to feel my lower limbs dissolve, like spores in the wind.

"...H-How..." I manage to choke out.

How... how did he survive...?ǃ I killed him! I killed him with my own two hands! Th, this should not be possible. This should be someone who is no longer in this world—–!

I hear Hisui's voice as my body continues to crumble to dust. It is now up to my waist. "Y... You really did it, Shiki-sama... you freed Akiha-sama's soul..." She looks to me, nearly crying. "Please rest in peace, Akiha-sama…..."

...Hisui... you... how could you, you...

I try to activate my powers. I know I am dying. But unfortunately, as my hair is dissolving, so does the strength of my powers. They get close to both Hisui and Nii-san, but my ability can no longer touch them.

My body has now dissolved up to the shoulders.

Hisui, you…...…...

Traitorous…... bitch…...…

* * *

...How... dare she...  
When... I revive... I will tear her apart…...  
Li... Limb... from... Li…...…

* * *

Next Week (11/21/10) – Chapter 25: "Skein of Akiha"


	25. Skein of Akiha

Chapter 25: "Skein of Akiha"

* * *

Thursday, October 31, 2002

* * *

"GHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH‼!ǃ"

I wake up with a start. Footsteps come racing to me.

Yumizuka-san.

She quickly shakes me. "Akiha-sanǃ? Akiha-san, are you okay?ǃ"

How do I respond?

I vomit. Right onto the floor.

Too real. That nightmare was too real. It was so real that I forgot that it was a nightmare.

A nightmare of something that nearly became reality.

A nightmare that, had things gone a little differently, could be the reality that would exist now.

A reality that I would have been powerless to stop, had things progressed in that way... because I would be dead, even before Nii-san struck me down.

I try to stop myself from throwing up anymore, but my stomach twists violently inside my body, to resist my resistance. It will empty its contents if I like it or not, and resisting will simply make it lurch harder than if I allowed the vomit to flow naturally. Halfheartedly, I stop resisting it and just wait for it to finish.

By the time I have regained my senses, I see Yumizuka-san has gotten a bucket and carefully guided the results of my emetic nightmare into it. I fall back onto my bed, sweating, shaking, panting. The vile taste of bile offends my mouth. More importantly, the odor of half-digested food is now in the air, thick, pungent, and disgusting.

Possibly of more importance, I recognize that I am somehow in my own room.

...Great. I hope I did not accidentally throw up on anything major...

"Akiha-san... are you okay...?" She lifts a small glass of water to my lips.

My stomach lurches once more. Thankfully, I have nothing left to throw up, so all it does is make me wince and cause one of my hands to move to my stomach, instinctively rubbing as if it's sure that will make the pain go away.

I take Yumizuka-san's glass of water, rinse my mouth out, and spit it into the bucket before I speak. "No, I'm not..."

...The last time I was this sick, actually, I think it was when I found out just what had been happening to Kohaku. I do not get sick very much at all, and if I do, I tend to recover rapidly. This is probably thanks to my other half.

That much suits me fine. I do not like being sick, of course; nobody does. However, unlike everyone else, if Tohno Akiha becomes ill... it may be bad news for a lot of people.

"What happened? The house was dead quiet until your scream pierced the night..." The red eyes of Yumizuka Satsuki look over me, filled with worry and fear.

I begin to think. The last thing I remember... taking care of Nii-san. Eating slightly. Crawling onto his bed. Hugging him. Then... nothing.

"...Yumizuka-san. How did I get here?" I ask her, having caught my breath a little. I rinse my mouth and spit again. Normally, of course, a lady should never spit like this, but I think given the circumstances, it is acceptable, and if not, whoever thinks it is not can just go to hell.

"...Huh? Oh, uh, Hisui said she found you asleep next to Tohno-kun. But she said you appeared to be very fidgety in your sleep and didn't want you to accidentally pull out his IV or monitoring devices, so she had me carry you back here. Uh... does your dream have something to do with your scream?" She looks at me with genuine concern.

"You don't want to know." Believe me, you don't...

"…...That bad?" Her expression deepens, as if she was confirming a great fear.

"Very bad. So bad I want to forget about it. Please get me some sleeping pills, Yumizuka-san. If my mind will not allow me peaceful rest, then I must drug it." I state the only natural solution to this problem.

Yumizuka-san frowns. I can tell she does not like the idea.

"…...Do it. That's an order." I try to firm my tone as best as one can, when they have just had an emetic episode.

"…...Yes, Akiha-san." It comes out reluctantly, but compliantly. She walks back out, with the bucket.

…...I cannot believe that. That... that nightmare seemed frighteningly real...

...Then again, it is a nightmare. A nightmare's purpose is to scare and horrify you. Why they exist, modern science does not seem to know, but I liken it to the brain reminding itself that it still works and is still alive.

After all, if all one can dream of are pleasant things, it is not a dream. It is the afterlife.

If that were the case, then... well, it should have picked something more tolerable to itself than that. And especially to my body. I already feel horribly embarrassed for throwing up, and I can smell it in the air. It makes me gag and makes my stomach convulse weakly again.

I groan, and put a pillow over my face to try to block it out.

...Was that a vision of the future that awaited Tohno Akiha if she had no problems with killing Nanaya Shiki?

A vision of what would happen if my other side had proved that she, the demon, was able to beat him, the demon hunter?

She nearly did. She set plans up so very carefully, I remember that. Nii-san was barely in a condition to stand, much less fight, that night.

Yet somehow, he won.

Why did he win? Simple.

She did not count on the love that Tohno Shiki would have for Tohno Akiha. For though he was born Nanaya Shiki, he identified as Tohno Shiki. He could not become the killer. He could not listen to what his body was telling him as he straddled Tohno Akiha. He could not obey that thought of "kill" that had to have been ripping through every single cell of his body.

She did not count on the love that Tohno Akiha would have for Tohno Shiki. For even though this demon was able to confuse and delude her thoughts, and make her think and act irrationally... her love for him overpowered it all. He could not bring himself to kill her, because he did not identify Tohno Akiha with "Demon." He identified Tohno Akiha with "Sister."

It is why she tried to kill Tohno Akiha, as a way to give him one final, grand, push towards making him into his destiny as a murderer. But even this plan was foiled... by the girl who had stolen him from her. By a ribbon of white silk, and a heart that could take being an emotionless doll no longer, because the love he had shown her restored a sliver of humanity in her.

...A sliver that would learn to grow, with time, as stalactites form within caves.

That is how it all actually ended, of course. But this... was a totally different scenario.

This was a scenario in which Nii-san was no match for her. One where she thought she had killed him.

One where the humanity of Tohno Akiha was gone, and all that walked around was a demon in human's skin, of a darkly beautiful visage and yet repugnantly ugly activities.

It was not a future I wanted to see. But as if my mind just _**HAS**_ to remind me what day it is–

...Wait. It might still be...

I check my clock.

…...12:26 AM.

…...…...Great.

Today is now the 31st. I sigh and immediately feel dread well up from within me.

Today. One year ago, today. That nightmare that I just suffered through nearly became a reality, a year ago today.

Already, I feel every muscle inside my body tightening. If the nightmare had not caused me to vomit, this state would. I dry-heave a little, but I focus what is left of my mind to try to calm at least while I wait for Yumizuka-san to bring me the medication I requested.

Fortunately, I do not have to wait very long. Yumizuka-san returns with the pills, and I desire to sleep so badly that I swallow them dry. I no longer even care. The next 48 hours will be 48 hours of hell, and if I can remove even eight of them, it will be that much easier on me.

"...Please clean my mess, Yumizuka-san. I am sorry for leaving it. When I am in a better state of mind, I will reward you for it. But not now..." I say with a sigh as I lay back on my pillows once more.

"…...Yes, Akiha-sama." With a halfhearted sigh, I can hear her begin to get to work, and gag every now and then.

I do feel bad about vomiting like that, truly. But I want to spend as little time as possible here.

Before long, the pills work their magic. My mind empties itself of thoughts, and I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

All too soon, I reawaken. It is now just after 7 in the morning. With a sigh, I head to the shower. I am certain my body smells unpleasant by now. I note there is a small stain where I had thrown up; some tinges of brown. It means there was likely flecks of blood inside of it.

...I would not be surprised.

I gather clean clothing and, as a sort of mental reassurance, look over my nude form in the mirror of my bathroom. Yes. Still Tohno Akiha, including the injuries that have healed.

I shower until the water turns too cold for me to deal with. Another half an hour killed.

I then re-dress in my usual outfit and walk outside to my patio. The sun is only beginning to rise. The start of a long day that I want to end now if I could.

How I wish it would go back down... or just explode. Then, at least, in eight and a half minutes, I will be vaporized by infinitely hot fire. It is just as good.

...Then again, even if the sun exploded, by the time I saw it explode, I would be nothing but a skeleton, and moments later, vapor.

A light tapping at the door to my patio before it opens. Hisui.

"Akiha-sama, good morning." She bows and speaks in a calm, gentle voice.

"...I wish it were, Hisui," I sigh listlessly.

"Well, I know something that might cheer you up, Akiha-sama." A light smile is on her face.

"...And what would that be, Hisui?" I ask, my voice already rising, as if to let her know my mind is absolutely desperate for nearly anything to divert it from this line of thought.

"Shiki-sama has awoken."

Hisui is smart. She begins to move aside as she speaks, because she knows by the time she is done I will be running for my door. It is perhaps for this reason that I do not run right into her.

The footsteps of my boots clomp down the hall as I run with sudden, newly found energy and vigor to Nii-san's door.

I knock on it.

"Yeah... come in, Akiha..." It's drained, but unmistakably his.

I enter slowly, and look at him. He smiles back at me, a little sign of happiness and contentment across his otherwise war-weary face.

"...Nii-san. How are you feeling?" I shut the door behind me. My voice, and my body, tremble slightly.

I already know how I'm feeling. Thousands of thoughts enter and leave my head just as quickly. Part of me is relieved to know he is alive and can speak. Part of me wants to yell at him for the next hour about how he should stop doing things for that damn Churchwoman and just stay here, where he can be happy and safe. Part of me wants to kill him myself for continuing to put me through this hell.

…...But Tohno Akiha chooses instead to be just glad that he is okay. The middle option is useless due to Nii-san's abilities, and the latter is obviously out of the question. As long as there is a scrap of humanity inside Tohno Akiha, she will not kill Nii-san. The day she does so, is the day Tohno Akiha ceases to exist in all but name.

"Stiff," he says as he shifts slightly. "But I'll live. Hisui brought me up to speed a little bit about the last week."

"Well, the last week has not been too bad, generally... although it is not over yet, and it will not be until–"

"Akiha, jeez, you're still beating yourself up over that..." He cuts me off by laughing weakly, and then grimaces. "Ow."

"N-Nii-san, don't do things that could tear your stitches!" I race over to the bed and gently place my hand above the stitches in his side. They have, fortunately, not torn.

"Nah. They're in there pretty tight. You did good on them, Akiha." He manages a smile.

His body, while feeling drained of energy, is warm. I can also feel the light muscle tone just underneath the skin.

…...I cannot help but blush at having felt them, as well as Nii-san's praise, and sit down on the foot of his bed.

"She also told me that you brought Yumizuka here?" He looks to me. His eyes say, _"I want to know more about this."_

"...Yes. I was taking a walk to clear my head, and she found me somehow... we got to talking, one thing led to another, and she agreed that in exchange for helping out here, that I would give her room and board. She's taken to it surprisingly well." I summarize roughly the last week. "She has proven herself to be surprisingly eager to help out, even when she is not explicitly asked. Is... she the type who would do this as a human, too?"

"Helping? Yeah, I guess that was kind of in Yumizuka's nature." He sighs. "I just wish I'd realized how she felt about me sooner. I could've done something about it..."

"...Eh? What do you mean? She did mention she felt she was in love with you..."

"…...I think she's been in love with me for some time," he concludes. "I never really realized it, though... I mean, I never even really thought about her until when she vanished a year ago, and only then did I realize how important she is to me. I don't know if I could face her..." A look of worry crosses Nii-san's face.

…It is not a look I like to see him have. I want to see Nii-san smile.

"...Nii-san. Yumizuka-san would have made a great companion for you if you were still single." That is, if I did not make an even better one...

"Eh...? Why do you think that, Akiha?" He blinks, his eyes a forced gray by his glasses.

"From talking to her... she does not mind any of your flaws at all. In fact, she rather believes that they are what make you who you are, Nii-san. Unconditional love... even I could not easily provide that, I think..." Without realizing it, my voice trails off and I burrow deep into thought.

Of course I still want him. I always have. Ever since that day where he saved my life with his, I thought that the boy, who at the time was simply called "Shiki" by Otou-sama, was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Back then, it was just a simple, innocent girl's love. She thought she could hug him, and kiss him on the cheek, and that would be all it would take to have perpetual happiness in her life.

…...But real life does not work that way, as she found out nine years ago when it all went down to dust.

Tohno SHIKI died, and Tohno Shiki survived. It sounds strange verbally, but it is the reality of the situation. But yet, despite that...

…...…...The girl continued to desire him.

Wanting to have him, totally for herself. Even as she grew up by force. Even as she had to go from being a quiet, shy, timid girl to someone who could rule a house with members and branches that span the world.

…...Then, the girl died that day too, right?

After all, death of the self occurs when one goes through a change in life that is incompatible with the old self. In order to continue living, a new self-identity is required to be forged. Without this, the person cannot successfully adapt, and if they cannot adapt, Nature's laws dictate that they become extinct.

So Tohno Akiha adapted to her new way of life. It changed her forever. The Tohno Akiha that exists now is anything but quiet or shy. She is the type who will make her thoughts and words known, immediately and sharply.

…...But Nii-san can still occasionally turn her into the quiet, shy girl she truly still is at her core.

A person can adapt to circumstances, but some parts of their personality are simply born into them. These things are impossible to change. I do not know if there is a word or a name for this "core principle," but I would say that mine would be duality, or perhaps conflict.

For Tohno Akiha is made of two selves. These two selves constantly create struggle in her, as one side seeks to gain advantage over the other.

Right now, the adult side of Tohno Akiha is wanting to yell at him for what he did.

…...And the child side of Tohno Akiha is wanting to simply hold him, and feel him, and never let go.

But even though he's only been here for a year, Nii-san knows me too well. He knows what I am thinking.

"...Akiha. I do love you, you know." With some effort, he sits up and embraces me.

"N-Nii-san?ǃ" It is all my shocked mind can say, as he gently pulls me back down with him. "P-Please take it easy, Nii-san! Y, You don't have to do this...!"

"I do love you. It's just... not that kind of love that you seem to want. But I do love you. I don't want you to change a bit, Akiha. Because what Yumizuka-san thinks about me, and my flaws, and how they make me, me... that's what I think about you. Akiha isn't Akiha if every so often she doesn't get on my case about something." He smiles, a true genuine smile.

"Nii-san..." I can feel the blood surging to my cheeks.

...Damn it. How can I stay mad at you when you say things like that...? You know such words are my weak point... and that I am absolutely unable to defend against them when they come from you...

"So don't change, okay? Keep being who you are. That's the Akiha I love. Anyone else is just an imitation." I feel his lips press into my cheek.

Warm.

Soft.

…...A burning desire to feel them in other places on my body fills my being.

I blush at that. Wanting to feel his lips on other places... my neck, my shoulders... my breasts... my feet, my legs...

…...Between my legs...

...But no. Nii-san loves me, but not in a sexual way. We both say it is because we are brother and sister, but in reality... I do not think that matters to us. We are brother and sister only because that is how we choose to associate the other. In reality, we have no such blood relation, and indeed, in practice our blood should never mix, because the one from the other side is the "enemy."

…...But I do not care about that. Nii-san is the only male I can see myself doing that with. Are there others out there? Perhaps, but I have yet to meet someone like him, and without being like him, I doubt I could ever be that way with some other male.

…...And even then, in his condition, his body could probably not handle it. From what I have read, sex places enormous physical strain on the body. As ridiculous as it sounds, there are reports that some lapse quickly into unconsciousness almost immediately following the act.

I fail to see how. A feat like that is akin to running a marathon, yet such an act takes hours. Obviously, I have no experience here, but a sexual act cannot be that long... perhaps ten or twenty minutes?

...Still, they would be among the happiest ten or twenty minutes of my life, if they ever happened. But they will not. Nii-san loves Kohaku in that way, and I do not think Kohaku would be very happy with him, or with me, if he did that. Whether she was a servant in my home or not, Kohaku still had feelings... well, she did after Nii-san and I fought. It is why I realized this house was toxic to her and let her leave.

"Akiha. Thanks for taking care of Yumizuka." Nii-san's voice startles me out of my thoughts.

"...It is nothing, Nii-san. She did not wish for her fate to befall her, and I can empathize..." I explain.

...After all, who better to tell one how to become a human again than someone who also seeks it, no?

"Yeah, but you didn't have to. But you figured maybe it would help her and me, huh?" He smiles a little.

"Ah..." …...Nii-san is not incorrect...

...More importantly, he smiled, and I feel heat surge throughout my being as a result.

I did do it partially for them both. Yes, I did feel a desire to help her due to her situation. Being alone for a year, and worse, having to forsake your entire family to do so... that is an injustice I would scarcely wish on even my worst enemies.

Family, admittedly, is one of the few things that everyone in this world starts with, but does not necessarily end with. My immediate family is dead. The people I associate with "family" now are Hisui, Kohaku, and Nii-san. They have become my family, in lieu of an actual family, for my actual family are thoroughly aristocratic, and gatherings are more like business meetings than families enjoying days in the park, simply having a good time.

...Perhaps that is a reason I like Nii-san. He can be so simple that even I wonder how he can be so simple at times, and yet... that is part of his charm. He is so able to be himself around me that I find myself being more like that little girl named Tohno Akiha, and not the young woman named Tohno Akiha.

"That's one of the things I love the most about you, Akiha," he says as he smiles. "You're a wonderful sister." I feel his squeeze tightening just a little.

…...I cannot help but blush deeply at hearing his praise. It is almost more than I can bear.

Plus, feeling myself in his arms... feeling his body's warmth... feeling my own heat growing inside of me...

…...I realize I am starting to breathe quicker. No, I can't do this. I want to, but I can't. Not while he is injured, and certainly not without Kohaku's approval, no matter how much my body tries to convince me that it would be perfectly acceptable to do it.

"I... It is nothing..." I manage to say, as I pull myself away from him, forcing the desire out of my mind to collapse back into his arms as hard as I can. It is not unlike walking on hot coals – doable, but if one does it wrong, they will get burned, for they are going against a thing they know they should not meddle with.

He laughs. "That's just like you, Akiha... if someone complements you, you get really shy. Uh, by the way... I hate to do this, but can you please have Hisui bring me something to eat and drink? I'm famished..."

...O... Of course he is! He last ate perhaps several days ago, and his body is trying to heal...!

"Y... Yes! Of course, Nii-san, just hold on." I quietly stand up, bow respectfully, and leave his room.

Once I do, and am out of earshot, my walking turns into a run.

I will do more than merely bring him some food.

I will make it myself!

* * *

Nii-san still needs me. Nii-san still depends on me.  
And I will be there for him, forever, in life and in death... and beyond.  
I will never let you go, Nii-san... never...

* * *

Next Week (11/28/10) – Chapter 26: "The Way to a Man's Heart..."


	26. The Way to a Man's Heart

Chapter 26: "The Way to a Man's Heart..."

* * *

I hurriedly race to the kitchen and gather some of the things Nii-san likes to eat most. Normally, I would not worry so much about my cooking... but I must admit, my heart is racing right now.

While I have cooked for Nii-san before, cooking for him is always something that makes me feel nervous. I always worry if it will be adequate, if it will live up to his expectations. His praise is worth the praise of ten other people... and his condemnation would bite just as sharply.

...I want it to be perfect for Nii-san. Nothing less than my very best will do.

He is why I began to learn this really. Yes, cooking will help me, but... I also want him to feel happy, and it makes me feel good to know that I can create something that he will enjoy, and possibly look forward to.

While it may be Kohaku who takes the mantle of his "official" wife, I would not mind having a special sort of place in his heart myself. I want to ensure that he remembers that I will be here for him, for anything.

And I do mean anything. Whether it is advice, or something more... private...

I blush at my own thoughts.

Really... I know those sorts of thoughts are supposed to be normal for a girl my age, but... they embarrass me sometimes. Because, well...

...It is hard to describe. My stomach tightens, and my heart races, and I feel lightheaded whenever I think about it, and a heat builds up in the pit of my stomach.

It is something so... lewd, and dirty to think about. And yet when I think about Nii-san... more often than not, my thoughts seem to turn to this... picture of what he is doing with me.

Of holding me, and of whispering my name, even as our bodies do this absolutely grotesque dance, and wondering what such a thing would feel like inside of there. As a purely curious search, I asked Kohaku to find some video footage of such an act, to which she smiled and complied. Upon seeing it, I noticed that the female was gasping, and panting, and shuddering, all from something moving in and out of there... and that it was censored for some reason.

...Why?

It makes no sense. It is just something moving in and out of a body. So...? For one, that gives no reason to block it out. Two... why would it make a woman gasp? Seo Akira picks her nose sometimes, as bad and disgusting of a habit as that is, but she does not gasp when she does it... well, unless it gives her a nosebleed, anyway, but that is a wholly different matter.

I know it is normal, but still... he would not do these things with me, because he wishes to be with Kohaku. I know he does them with her... once or twice it has gotten rather loud, and interrupted my sleep. I was not happy with either of them the next morning.

And yet, it does not stop me from thinking about them, as silly and pointless as it may be... of imagining that one day, it could be me, and that I would find out what it is like, and it would be with the one I want it to be with most of all...

...Because Nii-san is the only person whom I ever want to do that with. Period. There is no other male that I could see myself being fully comfortable with exposing that much of my body to, and I do not see that changing. And obviously, females are not capable of such an act, either, so they are also out. Not to mention how... unusual that would be.

I sigh, and shake my head to get these thoughts out of it. If I do not focus, I will improperly cook, and that means Nii-san would have to wait longer to eat. I do not want to keep him waiting – of all people in the world, Nii-san is the one I want to displease the least.

Some ramen. Beef flavored. After what he went through, Nii-san is surely hungry for something savory and rich in flavor. Beef is good for that, and it will be easier to digest for him than actual beef at this time.

A few light snacks. Japanese snacks, of course. Nii-san does not generally like Western snacks. I carefully make sure I avoid anything plum-flavored.

Something to drink. Some light green tea. I get him some slightly sweeter Matcha, since I am sure the little bit of sugar will make him feel better and improve his blood circulation.

All of these things, I place on a tray, and bring to him not even ten minutes later.

"Here you are, Nii-san." I walk over and carefully situate the tray on his lap after bringing a pillow to it so it is not too hot for it to rest there. As he sits up, I place another pillow behind his back.

"Akiha... you didn't have to get so much." He looks down at all the things I have gotten. Though he will not admit it, I know that Nii-san is hungry. From what he has said, Ciel-san's cooking is fine... but it is not home. It is not Kohaku's cooking, and he does seem to like mine when I cook for us, when he is too tired to do the cooking.

His praise is one of the things that encourages me to keep on improving and refining my cooking skills. That, and the fact it would make me a better wife, potentially, someday...

"Well, eat up as much as you like, Nii-san. Just please do not do it too quickly." I bow respectfully to Nii-san. "Do you... need assistance eating, Nii-san?"

"Nah... I'm stiff, but I can move," he says, rotating his shoulders a little bit and exhaling sharply as he does. "Anyway... Itadakimasu." With this, he bows his head slightly, breaks the chopsticks apart, and begins to eat, starting with the ramen first, carefully gathering some with his chopsticks and pulling it into his mouth.

I nervously await his reaction.

"…...This is pretty good, Akiha," he says as he continues eating.

I feel the heat rise to my cheeks as he praises me.

"Th... Thank you, Nii-san. I have been practicing considerably as of late with you being out more often, so I was not sure how you would react to it..."

He smiles a bit as he eats. I sit, and likewise cannot help but smile a little bit.

Watching him enjoy it so... it fills me with an incredible feeling of pride and happiness.

I may not be able to be Nii-san's life companion. There are many reasons why, and even though I continues to try to find ways to rationalize and make this fantasy into a potential reality, I realize this is basically something that cannot be, albeit with some recalcitrance. But I shall still do what I can for him until my final breath. I will not stop trying, just because of the odds against me. Of this, I am certain.

Therefore, I shall keep on trying to win his heart even if it is ultimately pointless and futile.

The reason why, is a simple reason. Even if we cannot be man and wife, Nii-san and I shall always be brother and sister. Neither of us want to eliminate that relationship, that relationship that, even if purely in words only, is just as strong as one bound by blood.

One does not need to be sired from the same parents in order to feel close. The bond that Nii-san and myself share, is one that is unshakable.

The proof of this is simple. Even when I became more demon than human... even when he became more demon killer than human...

…...We could not follow through. Either of us.

Even as he straddled me, and could have killed me in an instant, he did not have the heart to drive the knife down.

Even as he straddled me, and I could have killed him in an instant, I did not have the heart to absorb all his heat.

Two killing machines, that could not kill each other.

Two that who could slay whole cities if they chose to, that around each other, broke down completely.

Regardless of what blood says, Tohno Akiha and Tohno Shiki are brother and sister. It is impossible for them to not see each other as this now. It is ingrained so deeply and permanently into both that for either of them to renounce this bond, they would no longer be themselves.

And they shall always be. That night proved it. Even as the other side took us over nearly totally, it was not enough to completely kill the rational, human personalities that remained.

I sit down in my chair, and watch him eat. He is trying to eat it somewhat slowly, but the way he eats it... he eats as if he has not had a good meal in days.

"...Surely you did not starve while you were away, Nii-san...?" I ask with concern. While I cannot stop Nii-san from doing these things and helping whom he feels he should help, if that woman starved him like a dog...

"No, no, of course not." He laughs slightly. "It's just that Ciel's curry almost made me forget what real food was like."

"Y... You only like my cooking because it is not curry then...?" ...Is it not good enough? I was sure I cooked the noodles the right time! A, and I know Nii-san does not like his tea too hot...

"No, no! It's not that, Akiha! Your cooking is good... trust me..." He looks up at me to try to reassure me.

I feel a slight bitterness at his words. I am fairly sure I know what Nii-san meant, but he could have worded it better...

"Hey, c'mon. I didn't mean it that way, Akiha. I swear..." His tone gets a little more firm and serious.

"...Then please be more careful with your choice of words in the future, Nii-san." I do my best to glare into his eyes so he knows that I am serious. "Such ambiguous statements can be troublesome if you do not think them through fully before you speak them, so please promise me that you will think things through more carefully before you voice them."

"...Haha, how did I know you would say something like that? But... alright, Akiha. I promise." He says it with a smile.

"…...Very well then, Nii-san. I will hold you to your words." From Nii-san, a promise and a smile is good enough. I already feel my anger cooling.

Really... he has such a strange effect on me like this. I am able to be whom I need to be, whenever I need to be them, but Nii-san... he knows just the right way to defuse that. I find it impossible to stay angry at him for some reason.

Why...? I do not know.

No matter how mad I am at him... short of something irredeemable, I do not think I could ever hate him for more than a day or two. Not only will my mind refuse to go along with such a plan for a prolonged period of time, but my very heart will ache and long to be on better terms with him.

...Is this normal behavior for a younger sister? To live for her brother's praise?

All humans like praise, of course, but it is not as if I live for it... right?

Is that what I really want? Just for him to be happy? Sacrificing my own happiness and desires in order to help him obtain his?

…...But that is silly. One of the primary goals of any functioning lifeform is to achieve homeostasis. This means that all of their needs must be met, primarily satiation, shelter, and safety. Obviously I have my food needs met, and if need be, could cook for myself. Shelter is not a problem either. Safety... well, safety for a Tohno is a relative thing, but on the whole it would take a rather powerful foe to put my life in actual danger. A normal, human assailant will lose to me every time.

…...…...Then there are more personal metrics after the basic needs. Feeling loved, treasured, desired. Obviously, I know Nii-san loves me as his sister, and values me dearly. But he does not desire me. Indeed, as far as I know, nobody desires me that way. I had thought that Seo did, but it seems this was just some artistic license, which I admit is most likely the truth. It would not make sense for Seo Akira to suddenly start liking girls. Had she been a lesbian, likely such a situation would have come up far earlier, seeing as I have known her for nearly two years now or so.

...So if nobody desires Tohno Akiha, why do I feel fine with the current situation as-is? I admit that I would not mind it if someone desired me, but... that is mostly a fantasy, a daydream. For anyone that seriously did desire me... I would have to force myself to pull away from them, for I do not think anyone could understand, fully, just what the Tohno are, and the fact that there is a very real possibility that I could still turn on the ones I love and tear them to shreds with my own hands.

…...It is a situation I hope I will never regain consciousness to. If I lost myself, and came to, kneeling by the corpse of Nii-san, the tang of blood in my nostrils, the sticky filth of red covering my fingers, and accumulated shreds of gore under my fingernails... I think I would completely lose my sanity.

...No, enough of this today! Not today, of all days. I close my eyes and shake my head forcefully, as if to throw the thoughts out of my ears.

When I look back up at Nii-san, he is eating slowly and carefully. I should not be impressed by this, but Nii-san almost always eats everything he is offered when he returns for the first few times. I believe it makes him heal, or at the very least, allows him to sleep with a full stomach and let his body heal quicker.

Nii-san does not have a regenerative factor, as I do. While I will heal from even serious injuries fairly quickly – a broken bone would take two weeks to heal, perhaps, or considerably less time if I allowed my other half to take over – Nii-san is at about the peak of human regenerative abilities. It would still take him four or five weeks to heal from that broken bone.

Most of his injuries are, admittedly, flesh wounds. These are wounds that will probably fully heal up within a week or so. The fact he has already recovered enough to eat and speak, albeit with some stiffness and pain, is a good indicator that he is already well on his way to recovery. Regardless, I will surely be keeping an eye on him until Kohaku arrives and is able to give him much better treatment.

Soon enough, the tray is fully emptied. With a satisfied sigh, he lays back on his bed. I get up out of my chair and take the tray.

"Do you wish for more, Nii-san?" I ask. I do not mind cooking more for him if he feels it would help him.

"Nah, that was plenty, Akiha. But it was great. Thanks." He smiles, and I once more feel a little of the heat rushing to my cheeks.

"Do you... desire anything else, then...?" Like... a kiss, perhaps? Kisses help heal... right...?

"Ah, yes... could you please bring Yumizuka in here?" He looks at me slightly nervously as he says it. No doubt, he is afraid of my reaction.

...Of course. I had forgotten about that.

Yumizuka-san said she was very close to Nii-san. In fact, she thought she had fallen in love with him, from the day that he rescued her from a shed.

...Five years or so is a long time to love someone. However, it does not hold a candle to mine. I waited for nine, nearly twice as long. Arguably, I am still waiting, in some ways.

However, I have talked with Yumizuka-san enough that I can tell their relationship is rather close. And even though she agreed to my conditions, I know at least part of her came here to see Nii-san.

...It would be rude to refuse this. As long as they are not playing out my worst-case scenario... but realistically, Nii-san is not even in the physical condition to do that. Although Yumizuka-san could still use her hands, or her mouth, or...

…...I sigh to myself. Really, Tohno Akiha... you are letting your imagination and jealousy run wild. Stop this! Nii-san is not that sort of person, interested in being sexual with every female he knows or will ever know...

"…...Of course, Nii-san. I shall get her immediately, as she would be preparing for bed now. Please wait," I inform him.

"…...Thanks, Akiha." He looks a little surprised, blinking slightly. It looks as if he wants to ask me why I would acquiesce to such a request, but it goes unvoiced by his throat.

I take the tray and walk out.

Really... agreeing to let him see another girl, it even surprised him. He knows I am jealous of him being in the presence of other females, normally...

…...Perhaps I am a different Tohno Akiha now...?

* * *

I allow Nii-san and Yumizuka-san their privacy to speak. I know they are close, and so does Yumizuka-san, but Nii-san did not until after he was forced to kill her. So, I walk out to my balcony and breathe in the air.

A cool, crisp day. The wind runs through the leaves, and flows against my skin, pushing on my body, dress, and hair. Chilling me lightly, but enjoyably. Reminding me that I not only survive... I thrive.

Feeling alive is a fundamental condition of any organism. No, more than condition... it is the goal. To ensure that it survives long enough to pass on its genes, to ensure that it continues survival of the species. The ultimate goal, for any organism, whether it is simple, single-celled algae, or the pinnacle of current evolution; Homo Sapiens, modern man.

I look down at myself. Obviously, secondary sexual characteristics exist. My body, a slight hourglass shape. My chest, small but noticeable breasts. Obviously, there is hair on my pubic mound, but that is naturally hidden from view. In a purely physical sense, my body does say that I am capable of reproduction.

...Obviously, I am reminded of that monthly as well, if I ever forget it, much to my great displeasure.

I know I am capable of having children. If the timing is right, and my cycle coincides with sexual congress, I could be impregnated. The real question is... would I want to bring such life into this world? Would I want to continue the Tohno, and all of their damned blood? Blood that I, myself, would renounce if I had the choice?

…...Before I can answer that, the wind blows a little more, against my face this time. Almost as if it were reassuring me. Reminding me that everything will be okay, telling me to drop that thought.

A small "Mmmmmm" escapes my throat as I feel it, and I close my eyes. Days like these are my favorite.

...Sometimes, I wish that my abilities included wind manipulation. It is such a wonderful force. The same force that can gently relax mind and body, can also be a great destructor.

At the same time, Wind is by its nature chaotic. It is fully possible that even if I had those abilities, I would not have complete control...

I slight tug at my dress interrupts my thoughts once more. It is not the sort of tug wind could produce so easily.

I look down to see Len standing there, looking up at me, silently as always.

A curious creature, Len is. Not quite human, but not quite cat, either. A blend of mannerisms of both. Usually she is fine curling up by herself and simply observing, but from time to time she also, like all creatures, seeks out companionship. As we are the closest things to companions she has, from time to time she makes her presence known to us all.

"...Good morning, Len," I say as I kneel. Her eyes level with me as I kneel, and thus am closer to her height.

"…...…...…...Shiki?" She says in her small, soft voice. It is rare for Len to speak, and when she does, it is rarely more than a few words. The look of concern on her face, however... that says all of the rest that needs to be said.

...Well, of course she would be concerned about Nii-san. Her life is linked to his. No doubt she can feel he is weaker. And it would be only right for a familiar to be concerned with her master's well-being.

…...After all, I am concerned for his well-being too. That goes without saying. We may not be master and familiar, but our bond is just as strong.

"Ah, yes. Nii-san is doing well. He is speaking with Yumizuka-san right now," I inform her.

Silence. Typical of Len. And... a hint of jealousy crosses her face.

...Heh, she and I are thinking alike, it seems. But I know Nii-san well enough. While it may be Yumizuka-san's fantasy, I do not think it is one that Nii-san shares... or at the least, not one that he will let out of his mind like that.

...But more than that...

"...No, I do not think Nii-san and Yumizuka-san are like that. Besides... he is too injured to do that act right now, Len." I inform her. "He is not too badly injured, but he would not be in good shape for such a physical act as that right now."

She looks down slightly, as I sit in a chair. A small pout is evident on her mouth; whether it is frustration or relief, is difficult to say. Cats are very good at hiding their emotions, after all.

I invite her into my lap by patting it softly. She looks for a moment, and then climbs up into it. I hug her up carefully, holding her close, and can feel her sigh as she closes her eyes. Len lives for moments like these, as well. The warmth of her body provides a perfect counterbalance to the slight chill in the air.

At peace, I hold her gently against me and just observe the view outside.

...It is just another day, I think to myself, and feeling the contrast of warmth against my body along with the light chill in the air, I do not even notice that I drift back off into sleep.

* * *

Dry.

ThE Air Is DrY. The nIghT is drY.

tIREd. DRainEd.

ThIrstY.

_**tHiRSTy.**_

nEEd to driNk. NEEd TO feed. iF I dOn't fEed, I'Ll DIe. i Can'T Die.

gEt FOOd. BLOOD fOod. NeED BLooD food.

snIfF. SnIff.

...foOd.

moVe fEEt. Up. dOWN.

this WAy. on leFT.

THEre. inSIDE. HoUSE.

HoW i gET In. blood iN theRe.

WIndOw. OPEn wIndOW.

cLiMb. don'T SliP.

fOoT UP. FOOT doWN. gRAB. PuLl up. lifT.

tHeRE. InSIdE. slEEPIng gIrl.

PuRplE HaiR.

…_...I know her. No._

HuNGRY. ThiRStY.

_I don't want to bite her!_

_**hunGRy! tHiRsty!**_

CliMb InSiDE. careFul.

canNOt wAKe.

Up tO BEd. HAnd oveR MOUth. NO sCReaMs.

LeAN ovEr.

BITe. piercE.

SWaLLOW.

...iRon. WArM. goOD. FEELINg GoOd...

SWAlLOW. MorE. sWALloW.

...tAsty. tYPE Ab. RAre.

...dEliCIoUs. VIRgin bloOd.

_That's enough‼!_

...ENouGh fOR NOw. CAn't Kill. ShE'll GEt ANGRY.

OUT THe WiNDOw. FeeliNg bettEr. feElIng stRongeR.

New sceNt. sNiFF. sNIff.

FOLlOW. huNGRY. sTIlL hUNGRy.

neeD morE. MORe BlOod. LESS PAIn.

wHERe blooD? sNiff. sNIfF.

...doWNtOWN.

gO. gO DOwNtOWn. blooD THErE.

stEP.

**WaLK.**

_**run.**_

* * *

BLoOD. delICiOuS, MeLTY BlOod.

BORROweD BLOod. bOrrOWED _**From mE.**_

their BlOod. _**my bLoOD.**_

* * *

Next Week (12/5/10) – Chapter 27: "Fringe of the Lunatic Dawn"


	27. Fringe of the Lunatic Dawn

Chapter 27: Fringe of the Lunatic Dawn

* * *

tHieVes. tHiEvEs And wHORES.

Green GrasS, CRImSOn eDGeS.

A fInE chINa PlAtE tO decapitaTe wITH.

REd HOT IntEnTion. RuSTED iRon celL.

A SEVERED heaD, LiPs sTiLl tWitChING And mOViNG.

cHECK thE ground. onCE. tWiCe. THriCE. The SideWAlks ArE BLeeDIng.

a BabY wITh SMALLPOX CRiES.

LaRge Red mOON, aPpRovInG OF sin, Of MaLIce afoRetHOUgHt.

riP AND PuLL aND twiSt And TEAR.

a CLOWN, lAughiNg As HE sLitS a chiLd'S tHROAt.

A Man ANd A WOmAN sTare. bLOOd poUrS FRoM OPENiNgS on theIR bOdIES.

a tigEr aND a dRaGOn, In A BattlE To THe DEAtH.

The tRuTH ABOUt CEllULiTE.

hAnd iN a BlEnder, LIQUeFYIng.

AN IcepICK To ThE EYEbAlL.

tHE dog baRkS. brEak its nECk. SnAP-CRuNch.

a WoMAn liES ON A taBLe, HoLE In her HEaD, brAINS oN her plaTE witH SPagheTTI. IT looKS deLIcIoUs.

brOken body, HoLdIng a shAttErED sWoRd.

aN iNfECTEd Leg ExPlODES, ShOWERInG PUS.

tHe eleVaTor OpeNS, aNd bloOd pOURs OUt, cLeaNsINg eVERYTHinG.

pIeCEs oF a cORPsE cONTinUE tO Go dOWN THe EscalAtoR, GOINg uP. fOuRth FLooR. houSEkEEpiNg.

sEX anD vIolEncE; In ThE enD thEY arE thE sAmE. staB, STaB, sTab, s... T... a... B. pOke.

FrESh MEat. stALE PorK.

a skeLeToN in A tATterEd CLoAk, FINGeRs stAinED RED aNd coated in GOrE.

gLoRIOus letHal EuphORia.

BECoMinG The ARcHeTYPE.

MolecUlaR dESTabiLizaTiON oF QUANTum NeUTRINo FIeLDS.

in THE nIgHT, PeOPlE die in whiSpeRS.

wHEn tHE bloOd Is ShED, it'S a LONely VIEW.

ThRow tHE Woman OFf ThE bUiLDInG. HEaR her sCREams Stop WheN A moIsT cruNCh Is HEARD.

tWO SKELEtons, locked In IMMORTAL emBRAcE, onE inCOmpleTE withOut THe oTHeR.

RoTtiNG CoRpSE. COVErED In MolD, maGgoTS, mIldEW, aND cOBWEBS.

a MAn, havINg SEx WItH A hEAdLESS bodY; bloOD sPUrTS FroM hEr nECk aS hEr boDy bounceS on TOP OF hIS, a FoUntAIN of lOve POUrING fROm botH.

a tHundERsToRm, With BlOoD shOwerInG DOWN, BaPtiZiNG ME, MaKiNG me ReboRn.

A cHiLD'S SKIN MeLTIng aS aCID is PouRED on Her.

throUgH IT all...

no remORse,

And no REGreT.

yOU wILl shED TeArS OF scarlET.

and MY NAme...

is kUrenai sEKIShu.

* * *

dRoP THE mAN. NO moRe Blood. EMptY. sAd.

"...There you are."

...VoiCE. fAMiLIAr.

TURn. faCe.

...BLONd. femAle. reD EYes.

_**hEr.**_

...MUst dRInk HeR dRY. _**EVerY Drop.**_

_No, you won't!_

STep. tOwarDs. Yes. imMortalitY. no mOrE hungER.

"Shiki said you'd be here, probably. He was right. Don't worry, little sister... you'll be free soon."

YeS. frEe. no MoRE HUNGEr. STEP.

_Yes. Die. Die so I can be freed from this nightmare..._

SmEll. So STRong. _**exCItINg...**_

"Are you ready for peace? I'll give it to you."

_Yes! I want peace!_

No. WanT BlOOd. wANt HER BLood. alL.

WAiT.

stop.

PlaNninG SoMEthiNg...

"...? Is there something human in there after all, little sister?"

_Yes, me... but... kill me to save me, Arcueid-san... hurry..._

…...nO. fLEE. tOo WeAK...

JuMp!

PaIn. bacK. IGnORe!

"Going to run again, eh?"

_No! Fall!_

...FOoT SliPpiNG?ǃ NO!

gRoUNd. cruNCh. PAIN!

stAnD!

...FALl.

can't stAND...

...GoIng tO die.

"Ah, how unfortunate. Oh well. I will make it quick, little sister, because I liked you a lot when you were once human. Hold still and I'll make it quick... I promised her that."

_Please... just kill me so I can wake up soon... even if I don't wake up, that will be okay..._

Arcueid-san swings her arm of death – no, her arm of peace – effortlessly at my neck. To cleave it from my shoulders. To end my suffering; to destroy this horrible, wretched, lie of an existence.

To put down a rabid animal who no longer has a sense of itself.

To strike down that which appears human, but no longer is.

…Then, this is what death is like.

The world shatters. Into thousands of tiny fragments, crinkling like glass scattering on the floor.

…...But, I am still here. In a black nothingness.

…...…...…Until a child appears.

The half-succubus, half-dream familiar looks up at me like she wants to cry.

No, more than looks like... she is crying.

She has been crying for some time. Somehow, I can feel her pain as if we are acutely connected.

Somehow, I can tell what she's thinking, just by how she looks at me, with reddened, tear-ridden eyes... it's as if she's asking why I have such painful dreams...

I look away slightly. "It's..."

...It's because I cannot truly let go of my past. Because I am always afraid of it. Until Tohno Akiha is dead, this... this will always be a part of her. He... he cannot truly die until she dies, as well.

This is the new curse I took upon me when I killed "him." The curse of always being reminded that one is not human, no matter how much one tries to believe it.

The child sniffs and swallows hard, and then proceeds to walk over, slowly. A look of determination is on her face. A look that says "I don't want you to have those dreams ever again."

...I don't want them either. But I can't help what I dream...

The brain is a complex thing. It is capable of great imagination. Even if that imagination is of being a demon; a hellspawn, as natural as any other creature, but without any of the innocence or kindness.

"...I wish I could be more like you sometimes, Len..." I confess for absolutely no reason at all.

The girl tilts her head slightly. She does not understand. She blinks.

"...Surely you have a darker side to yourself, yes? That is what I am afraid of in me. I worry that someday, I will fail to keep it away... and if I fail... I'm... scared that..." My voice wavers and trails off.

I feel arms wrap around my waist and a head press carefully into my hip as Len hugs me.

As soon as she does, everything brightens. I shield my eyes from the sudden light pouring into them.

* * *

As they gather focus, I become aware I am in a long, grassy field. The sun is setting, and casts a magical glow on the blades of grass swaying in the air, possessed with life. The air breathes reassurances.

I look around as my eyes begin to focus and I can stop squinting. A tree is not too far from here. A girl in a black dress sits against the back of the tree, and she beckons me over when I see her. As I do so, the wind blows, and I can feel my anxieties blown away with it as it restores my sanity.

Walking over slowly as I look around at this place, I sit down next to her.

"...Where is this place? It is beautiful..." I ask.

I cannot help but look around. It is so... serene. Calm. Placid. I feel greatly at ease just by my presence here, as if everything would be okay if I could come here. That this place... is a safe place.

There is... incredible comfort in this absolute silence... the only noises being the slight shuffling in the grass as the winds encourage them to grow. To live. To endure the hardships of what life brings.

To keep on going, because that is our destiny as long as we are alive.

A creature's primary goal is to pass on our genes. Anyone who has taken a biology course will be able to tell you that. However, the condition of being human – or at least sentient – brings with it some extra, interesting challenges.

The need to have a full, enriching life.

The need to have a loved, desired, trusted companion.

The need to raise one's offspring the best that they can, so they learn from your wisdom and hopefully live a better life than you do, as some sort of twisted penance for bringing them into this hell of a world.

For Len, such an existence is impossible.

Even though she is certainly old enough to have children, many times over, as her body is that of a child's, she is physically incapable of reproduction in the sense that we would understand it. Even though her human form is nearly completely human, save for her ears, her body is simply immature, and could never sustain a child growing in it.

Her primary goal, instead, was simply to do the requests her master orders her to do. Master's order was law, and to not obey it was risking them simply destroying her and creating a new, more obedient familiar.

Even if that request is something sure to destroy her.

...Even if that request was to strip naked and service her master's more carnal needs.

This is Len's secondary purpose, after all. What she was created from hardly mattered – the magus who created her made her into a succubus type, one who lives off of feeding from the energy of others.

It does not need to be sexual; Len can bond with a human by simply licking their blood a single time. But the simple fact is that, for Len, sex the most efficient method of "feeding." Of restoring her energy.

However... Nii-san would not expect such a thing from her. Nor does he demand it from her. Indeed... if anything, as far as I can tell, their exchanges are... well, more on her demands than his. I try my best not to notice such things, but the simple fact is sometimes it is impossible to tone out the grunts of a girl from one's head.

I get the feeling that when she is not doing her tasks, this is where Len escapes to. But...

"...Escape for me is not that easy..." I hear myself say.

No. If it were as easy as going to a wonderful place, then I would have figured that out years ago.

This is why my walks are but temporary respite from my problems. For even though I can escape them, for a brief while... eventually, I must return to them. I cannot avoid them forever, no matter how hard I try to...

To do so would be to run away, and turn myself into a hermit. To do so would ruin the Tohno.

...Or worse, to do so would be to allow some of our less... sensible branches make a claim for the head of the family.

No... no matter how much I want to run away, I cannot. I cannot just flee all my problems and worries, as Len is so easily able to do.

The only time I would be able to do that, would be when I sleep. And sometimes, my dreams are pleasant and surprising. Sometimes, they are intriguing and interesting.

…...Sometimes, they are erotic and sexual.

But lately, they have been none of those. They have been horrible, vicious nightmares. Visions – no, premonitions of war, death, devastation, destruction, and horror.

…...It makes one wish that their dreams were simple, mundane things, like gardening.

Honestly, that is perhaps the easiest and simplest thing that some people are fortunate to have... they simply never dream badly, or have something where they are always the hero, or the princess is always saved, and so on.

…...How I envy those people.

It is not their fault, really. But when one dreams of such horrific, terrifying things night in, night out... one begins to become afraid to dream, both while laying down and when awake.

...The thing is, I do not know how to do this. And no matter how hard I wish that I would, such a task seems impossible for me to learn. If it were that easy, I would have already done so...

_"Anyone can learn to control their dreams, though, Akiha. It just takes practice. Practice, and a little determination."_

"Huh?ǃ" I turn to her. L... Len doesn't usually talk... even though she's slowly learning, she's still a very quiet girl. But here she spoke as if she had been doing it forever.

She smiles, happily. Her lips do not move, but her voice... her thoughts... they are communicated to me as if they were fully vocal.

The smile on the girl remains. It is... beautiful. There is no other easy way to describe it.

...I know she talked. I know what she said.

That I could control my dreams.

...How?

If I could control my dreams, I would do so. I do not enjoy those nightmares, at all. If it were that easy, I would have obviously found a way to stop having them. I do not particularly enjoy being reminded that no matter how human I want to be in my heart, it matters not because at its core, that heart is still the heart of something inhuman.

If it were up to me, I would banish these nightmares entirely. I would dream mostly of Nii-san. Because whenever I dream of him, my dreams turn out okay. He protects me. He guards me.

…...He is my savior.

I would be dead if it were not for him. Years ago. Whether this was a good decision or not, I cannot say fully... but it matters not ultimately. It is what happened, and as reality is relative to me, the only reality I know is the one where Tohno Akiha was saved by the boy named Nanaya Shiki, who would become Tohno Shiki, after the boy who originally had that name was assumed killed.

...He would have been if Otou-sama had stuck to the procedure of what happens when one of the Tohno invert.

But he did not.

For some reason or another, Otou-sama saw it fit to imprison him instead. Why? I do not know. All I know is that it created a vast amount of the problems we now have.

If he had killed him, Nii-san would not have had his life stolen and would have made a full recovery. If he had killed him, I would not have had to be in pain for eight years of my life. If he had killed him, Yumizuka-san would not have been turned into a vampire. If he had killed him...

...If he had killed him... if he had killed him... that bastard, if he had killed him, things would not be the mess they are now…...!

It is so simple. So much of this pain and suffering could have avoided, if only Otou-sama did not have a sudden change of heart and go completely against what was historically done in our family to stop those who have inverted for millennia.

It was a simple thing, really. "He" had inverted. All Otou-sama had to do was kill him.

…...And yet for some reason, he failed to, completely.

...Perhaps it was because he was already slipping into madness himself. I do not know. I know that, at nearly the same time Otou-sama died, unbeknownst to me, "he" had escaped from where Otou-sama had apparently hidden him.

Kohaku told me all of this after the fact, after Nii-san and I nearly fought to the death. How Otou-sama would have her go and bring him supplies he needed... as well as sating his bloodlust... and other lusts.

It sickened me to hear it. Not only did Otou-sama rape Kohaku... so had "he."

As if her life inside the mansion were not bad enough, leaving the mansion only meant that, besides delivering supplies to "him" and prolonging his wretched, miserable life, she took the chance that perhaps he, too, would desire to know the insides of a girl growing into a woman.

Kohaku had lived a living nightmare. When she recalled that, and all the abuse Otou-sama had done to her... well, I could not exactly blame her desires to destroy the Tohno. Had it been me, I probably would have wanted to, myself.

When you subject someone to that sort of situation, that sort of abuse... inevitably, hatred, fury, and rage all will build up in them. It is only logical. The human mind is simply not meant to be abused, warped, or twisted in such a way. To do so, time in and time out, will serve to do nothing but distort it into a horrible shade.

That was why I granted her request to leave. It would do her no good to stay in such a place where so many bad memories reside. And I could tell that she felt bad enough about what she had tried to do, perhaps realizing that out of all the Tohno, I was the only one who did the least harm to her... even if inadvertently, although I would not have harmed Kohaku without a very good reason at any rate.

With that done, and "him" dead, I thought things would improve. For awhile, life slowly improved... and then Nii-san was involved in a horrible accident when a truck struck him, and put him in a coma for the better part of a month.

...This was when Len came into our lives. Arcueid-san was very worried about Nii-san's condition, and said that she knew someone who could help. The next day, she brought this small, blue-haired child into Nii-san's room, and was with him nearly constantly from then on, hiding only when she had to hide from the hospital nursing staff, who would come in to move Nii-san's arms and legs and ensure his muscles did not atrophy too much.

…...Len nearly died watching over him. It was apparent to Arcueid-san, and she knew Len needed a source of energy, but as a vampire, Arcueid-san could not be her master, the girl would not accept any of us, and she refused to be moved from the room bar a very good reason to be.

She seemed to be wasting away. Still she watched.

Eventually, she barely moved. Still she watched.

Near the end, all she could do was look at us semi-consciously as we entered the room. Still she watched.

In the end, though, Nii-san woke up. And when he did, the girl was overjoyed and seemed much better. She then came to live with us as soon as Nii-san came out of the hospital. She has been a part of our lives ever since.

...This girl, that I am looking at now, who is warmly smiling.

_"Is that what you want, Akiha? To control your dreams?"_ Her eyes ask the question... yet I hear it almost as if she had spoken them.

...Well, if given the choice... yes. I do not want to have nightmares. My nightmares are not occasional... they are fairly regular, especially as of late. Doubly especially as of the last few nights... where it seems like every time I have fallen asleep I have been given another nightmare, that are somehow even more horrifying than the ones before it. The only exception is the time I slept with the aid of drugs that put me in a dreamless sleep.

All I really want is to stop the nightmares.

...Is it that much to ask?

Dreams can be an escape from reality. In dreams, we have the power to be anything we want to be. Hero. Savior. Villain. Destructor. Mother. Executioner. God. Devil.

...The problem is that most of us have no way of controlling them.

There are some who learn this, through practice and hard work. It may take these people years, or even decades, to master their minds so completely that they can affect their unconscious.

…...I am in no such position.

Therefore... if I wish to be freed from this burden, I will have to ask Len to do it.

"...I want to be freed from my nightmares," I say as I swallow my pride.

The child smiles and leans over.

And she kisses me on the lips softly.

My eyes widen in surprise.

What... what good would a kiss do to free me from my nightmares...?

A nightmare is not something that is resolved by a kiss. Granted, when I had a nightmare as a young girl, occasionally it would be Otou-sama who would comfort me, but usually it would be Hisui, or sometimes Kohaku...

…But that is different from this. This is still... during the nightmare... sort of...

…...No, this is no longer a nightmare. It stopped being a nightmare when Len decided that intervention was the best thing to do.

This is now a dream of peace, and of hope, and of serenity. Simply put, it is just the sort of dream that I really needed, considering what has happened all of this week.

It is no longer a nightmare. Len has changed that. She, who is adept at controlling dreams, has stopped my nightmare dead in its tracks, and changed it to this field of bliss.

...But why...?

Why would she do that for me? Just because I am the sister of someone whom she has a personal relationship to? That makes no real sense...

…...What have I done for her? Nothing, really. I have tolerated her presence, and while I have not been unkind to her or anything of that sort, I do not see why I would be so deserving of having this...

…...But does it matter?

People help because they want to help. Nobody can be forced to take on someone else's burdens if they do not want to, with some exceptions. Hisui and Kohaku had become family, and as long as they felt like family they were welcome.

Hisui chose to stay. Kohaku chose to leave. Despite that, Kohaku is still family to me, and if she wanted to come back, I would allow her to do so, no questions asked. Were it not for the bad memories she has stored up from Otou-sama, I doubt she would have left.

I had no reason to help them. I simply felt... it was right to do so, I suppose. To not do so would have been an injustice.

...Is that why Len is helping me, then? Because not doing so would be an injustice...?

…...Well, it may be her way of simply saying "Thank you for putting up with me," but it is a strange extent to go for someone who you really do not know...

At the same time of her kiss, I feel... a piece of me, being pulled out. No, not pulled. Ripped. I can feel it fighting this, somehow. Struggling.

She looks up at me. The look in her eyes says something like _"Trust in me and I'll lay all your nightmares to waste."_

…...Do I trust her?

Can I trust somebody whom I have never really known on a deeper level before?

...Should I?

…...It is more difficult than most people think for me to trust someone, really. The simple fact is... I am very reluctant to trust anyone, usually because I know what it means they will eventually find out. That I cannot be fully human. That I cannot ever be a fully normal girl, because my fate was sealed from the moment of my conception, in early 1985.

...But Len is not just some random person. She, too, is a creature who is just as unnatural as I am. A human, crossed with a cat. Able to take on the forms of both, but having mannerisms of the other in one form. And even then... she is a familiar, a powerful magical creature, and someone who lives off of the inherent energy inside living beings... the most potent way to get them being sexually.

…...…She, better than anyone, really, would understand me. Because she knows what it is like to struggle with another side. To deal with not being able to decide whether you are this, or whether you are that.

...All I had to do was ask, really, and she probably would have.

…...And so I do. I trust Len, fully.

As I do, that thing struggling to stay inside is ripped out. Somehow, I can feel it screaming and scratching to stay attached to my soul... but it is gone, and it is replaced by a sense of peace.

Calm.

Serenity.

Hope.

Dreams.

Promised Dawn.

Her lips pull away from mine when it is done. I blink a few times as I look at her, and I am greeted by a smile.

A smile that says that everything will be fine from now on.

A smile that guarantees that whatever was just ripped out of me is crushed, destroyed, and gone forever.

I stare at her as she happily curls up into my lap, as if she were my familiar and not Nii-san's. A small, light form, yet one that feels warm and soft, and fits my lap perfectly.

As if she were not just his familiar, but almost a family familiar... or a pet, perhaps.

I... I am unsure of what to say in reply. She must see it in my face, because she audibly giggles, and pushes herself into me even more, completely comfortable and at peace here.

…...It is not fair. To have such... complete and total faith in someone she does not even need to feel that way for...

...Why? Why would she so selflessly take such burdens on for my sake...? What... how... could I ever repay such an act of kindness...?

This is not something that is so easily given. This is not money, or a meal, or something that can be easily granted by an IOU. This is... something I honestly have no idea how I could ever possibly repay.

...This would be a debt like the one I owe Nii-san. He saved my life... and so I am doing my best to make his life as pleasant as possible, striving to see him happy and content. I feel good when I know he is happy and satisfied.

But, Nii-san being Nii-san, he is a fairly easy person to support. He does not ask for much at all – some simple furnishings, working class food. Nothing fancy, nothing expensive, nothing that, admittedly, I would buy if I found it and it might, perhaps, be a waste of my money. Nii-san seems comfortable wearing fairly regular clothes, and his friends, which occasionally a bit brash, tend to be an interesting group of people.

...But even then, what would cause them to want to help someone? Sure, Ciel-san and Arcueid-san benefit vastly from keeping The Dead down, but... do they gain some personal kind of pleasure out of it?

More importantly... I simply fail to understand the logic of others. Nii-san is happy with me being how I am. Yumizuka-san says she would not change a thing on him. Now, Len helped me... out of the simple goodness of her heart, a heart that has not actually lived for centuries, and yet... is beating loudly.

...A familiar who is able to have incredibly human emotions, feelings, and worries, because she is made from one.

The girl was crying when I found her interrupting my nightmare. Crying because it hurt. Crying because she did not know how I could withstand such pain, even though that pain hurt every time, ripping me open like a band saw slicing from my crotch up.

She did not want me to suffer anymore. She could not bear to watch the brutal violence of the dream, of a madwoman who only looked like Tohno Akiha killing whomever she met in a never-ending lust for blood.

So she put a stop to all of that... because she could. Because she did not want to see someone she knew, someone who was important to her master, someone who helps shelter her and feeds her... she did not want to see that person suffering a horrible, sleepless night.

_"...Akiha. You're strong. You're a lot stronger than you think you are. So keep it up, okay?"_

The words of the blue-haired girl in my lap, who looks up into my eyes as she says it. They ring of sincerity.

…...I know I am strong, but this is something I am always weak against. Confronting oneself is difficult. One's worst critic is always oneself, and I criticize myself very often.

…...Too often.

Too often, I underestimate myself, I think. Simply put, I blast myself firmly and harshly for any perceived misgiving. If my clothes are not right. If my hair is not managed. If my work is not done on time.

...Perhaps her message is to stop judging myself so harshly. To be more open to myself. To explore things more.

As humans, we cannot grow if we maintain complete rigidity. Growth requires expansion, and expansion requires flexibility. If we try to keep things perfect, we inevitably fail because humans are not perfect beings.

…...And neither are demons.

Demons are powerful, but flawed creatures by nature. The demons, then, are fated to fail just as Humans seem to have done as of late.

It sounds so easy in the books of magazines. "Change your wife, change your life!" To be actually effective, however, one almost has to bend over backwards in order to maintain this level and diet – and if people do not eat things they are used to, they tend to eat more than they usually would.

"…...Alright." I tell her somewhat hesitantly.

She smiles, and rests against me.

...Is this what heaven is like, maybe? If it is, then I hope whatever gods or goddesses exist allow me to live there.

I do not believe in a god or a goddess, truth be told. The very notion of a demon actually following such a thing is silly to most people and most religions. But, honestly...

…...If there is an afterlife, I hope it is something I can be a part of.

Admittedly, I would want to see some people again after they pass on. Fortunately, nobody whom I would really want not to be dying has died yet, but this would almost no doubt be with things to come.

Tohno Akiha already has had a hard life. The years ahead will certainly have their own challenges, both desired and not. How she handles them, and how she tolerates them, are very important things, and not simple little decisions that can be taken lightly, with a grain of salt.

All she wants is a little peace and happiness. Nii-san gives her that. Does she want more? Yes, of course. Nobody will get sick of the things they truly enjoy... well, not for a while, at least.

Yet as of late, I cannot focus on the things I usually focus on so easily. Nii-san going away for a short time did not help. Neither did the condition he come home in. And, of course, things are now complicating the situations in my life, thus creating even more stress for me to handle and deal with.

But with so many people wanting me to be there, and so many people saying that I am strong... well... perhaps they are more right than I am.

Perhaps they see something in me that I cannot see in myself.

…...Perhaps they know me better than I think they do.

Kohaku certainly had me well-predicted. She tended to know how I would react to any given situation fairly reliably. She knew when she could push me, and when I would allow things to slide.

Hisui knows what I like and what I do not. She takes strides in making sure that, in absence of Nii-san, my things are carefully maintained, ready, and waiting for me whenever I need them.

...Nii-san, of course, is someone whom I always look forward to seeing. My day does not feel complete without talking to him, and if he is gone, I will find myself thinking about him more to compensate for it.

Souka, she who is in many ways a polar opposite to me, and it is because she was raised even more strictly than I was, so her only choice to refuse it was to rebel. It is something that has penetrated her so completely that it has become a full-blown part of her personality now; it is not an act. When one talks to Tsukihime Souka, one is always talking to the real one, for she is straightforward and honest, telling you if she likes or dislikes something straight to your face, not bothering to hold back any sort of criticism she can think of.

Hanei, she is a very sweet girl. She seems to know what I am thinking, generally – or at the very least, she has a good idea of the direction my thoughts are going. While she is not the sharpest needle in the pincushion, she certainly has a keen intuition, and more importantly, us to look out for her. Anyone who dared to call Hanei stupid would be pretty much eating my shoes as I kick them in their face. Then again... this is mostly pointless thinking, as Misawa Hanei is more or less the school idol in our campus, with no doubt more than a few girls probably desiring a friendship with her... if not a Class S, or possibly more.

...And of course, then there is Seo, my excitable younger kouhai who makes me both want to praise her and choke her, all at the same time. Her little story with her doujinshi threw me for a very bad loop, making me anxious, nervous, tense, and when I thought I could confront her on it, she had an appointment so, much to my bitter displeasure, I found that I had to wait even longer... which only made me think my suspicions were all correct. They were not, and it led to a nasty little rift between Seo Akira and I for nearly a day or so. I am glad that we patched that rift up so quickly, but it is not something I would personally like to repeat anytime soon, if ever.

…...Now, Len has realized that my dreams were not pleasant, but nightmares, literal hells. Perhaps she approached me so she could see my plan. Perhaps this was just luck and coincidence that allowed me to fall asleep with her on my lap. Either way, the end result is the same – the girl has done something for me that hardly anyone else could.

She ended my nightmare, effortlessly, and brought me to this place. This place of green and gold, were life exists in a static, yet alive state, never aging, never ending. An almost perfect existence.

...And yet the girl who usually sits here almost never sits with anyone.

Len has companionship in reality, but here, she would usually be alone unless she created someone. She certainly could, but I do not think she sees it as the same thing, and truth be told, it really is not.

She could create them as carefully human as she wanted, and yet she would still fail, in a way. She would fail because she would know, and remember, that they are her creations. They might act in unpredictable ways, but the simple fact would always be that as she made them, she can also unmake them with a mere thought.

This world, as peaceful and enlightening as it is, is also a pure creation of hers. It may be based on memories; indeed, it seems too lifelike for it to not be anything but based on memories of hers. However, this world, like most who could inhabit it, are merely backdrops in a play, settings in a story, pure figments of imagination.

She could crush this world just as easily as she crushed mine. She does not have to live the fantasy if she does not want to. That particular setting must bring her enjoyment and calm her, or else it would not look so vibrant and strong in the face of all the hardships she is enduring.

The hardships of having a master who sometimes is not there, making her worry about his life.

The hardships of his sister treating you kindly, yet with distance.

The hardships of not ever being able to fully fit into human society.

…...And yet, here I want to simply live in this happy paradise, without even really acknowledging that Len could very easily have wishes of her own...?

...That is injustice.

If I were her, I would come back here every night. It seems like a wonderful place. A place where, no matter how depressed, or hurt, or anxious one feels, they can always feel safe here, and smell the fields and the slight moistness to the air.

"...I wish it could stay like this forever. Don't you, Len...?" I ask as I squeeze her slightly.

She looks at me slightly, and shakes her head. Is she... saying no? No... she's saying that it cannot, I think...

"_Special places stop being special when you can go to them every time, Akiha. You have to make sure you don't use it too often, for it to stay special."_

…...This is true.

When one does a certain activity, or has a certain food, or enjoys a certain thing again and again, it becomes surprisingly easy for people to just fall into a false sense of complacency.

If I came here every time, there would be nothing special about this place. It would just turn into a field, with nothing remarkable or special about it at all.

What makes it special, is the fact that it reminded me that I am alive. It reminded me that Tohno Akiha may be half-human and half-demon, but she Is fully alive. She is able to make up her choices, for better or for worse, and she is able to plot ahead and act accordingly to the response of any sort of situations that arise.

For me, I try to plot ahead and keep use of my powers to a minimum, to reduce the effectiveness and strength of my power. They used to be considerably harder to control, but since a year ago I have gotten much better at controlling when they enact... although sometimes it tends to be the result of a large amount of stress, and sometimes it is simply spontaneous, with no known problems.

...She is right, sadly. I still have things to do in life. I cannot allow myself to die yet...

"...But from time to time, I want to come back here. Promise me that, Len." I ask her this.

To this, she smiles, and nods happily, promising me wordlessly. And with another, gentle kiss...

...I wake up in my bed.

* * *

...Though... I do wonder...  
...How can I ever repay Len for this... for what she did?  
I am not used to depending on others like this at all...

* * *

Arc 2: "Reassembling a Shattered Soul" **END.**  
Arc 3: "Yin-Yang Dualism" **START.**

* * *

Next Week (12/12/10) – Chapter 28: "A Lust for Life"


	28. A Lust for Life

Chapter 28: "A Lust for Life"  
Friday, November 1, 2002

* * *

...My eyes open.

I am in here. In my room. Daylight streams through the doors leading to my patio. Mustard-colored leaves sway lightly in the breeze that is blowing just outside, prevented from coming in by the shut doors.

As I sit up, I feel a soft form get up off my lap, and with a slight thump land on the floor and walk out of the room. It is a black cat. It walks off with its tail held high, as if it were proud of something.

…...How did I get here? Did... I really sleep the whole day away…...?

I try to remember. I... had a dream, I think... but I cannot remember what it was. Trying to remember what it was is making my head hurt a little bit...

Scant moments later, there's a knock on the door.

"…...Enter," I announce. In comes Kohaku, with a tray of sweets and tea.

"...Kohaku? You're here unusually early." I blink a little. She... should not be here for a few hours yet, should she not?

"Ah, well, Hisui-chan told me that you were in a really bad way yesterday, so I came by and arrived late last night," she says with a bit of a soft smile as she sets the tray down. "I've been checking up on you, Akiha-sama. You were looking pretty bad last night, but it seems you were able to sleep soundly, because when I checked on you around... mmm, two in the morning I'd say?" She pauses and her eyes roll slightly as she thinks. "Anyway, you were sleeping quite deeply and soundly."

"...I see," I say as I sit up in my bed. Kohaku places her hand on my forehead. "Ah, your fever seems to have reduced, Akiha-sama."

"...Fever, Kohaku? I do not remember feeling ill," I state as I watch her withdraw her hand.

…...Well, aside from vomiting next to Yumizuka-san, but that was more stress-caused, not exactly illness...

"Yes. You took a fever not too long after Hisui placed you in your bed, Akiha-sama. She got worried, because you rarely get sick enough to develop a fever, and that is why she called me a little earlier than usual." Kohaku folds her hands together, interlocking her fingers, at waist level.

"I see," I say as I look the sweets over. She clearly knew I would want some sugar for some form of energy. Normally, I would protest such... rich sweets, but... my stomach immediately reminds me that I have really not eaten since Wednesday afternoon with a very low growl, not unlike that of a dog.

"...Kohaku... if it would not be so much to ask..." I blush slightly in embarrassment at the loud noise my body had made. O... Of course I could not control that, but still...

"...Breakfast? Of course, Akiha-sama. It shall be along shortly. Please save the sweets for afterward, and enjoy your tea for now." She bows deeply in respect.

"...Yes. I will do that. Thank you, Kohaku." I sit up and reach for the teacup.

She smiles. "It is nothing to thank me over, Akiha-sama. I'm simply doing my job." She says sweetly as she turns and walks towards the door.

…...Sweetly...

…...Sweetly... yes... that's it...

"…...Kohaku."

"...? Yes, Akiha-sama?" She turns back towards me.

"…...After you are done, please make some strawberry shortcake, and serve a slice of it to Len."

Kohaku smiles and bows. "Of course, Akiha-sama." With this, she turns once more and leaves for the moment, closing the door behind her.

That is what made me remember the dream. The sweet smile of that child, under the tree. The child who wanted to help me for no real reason at all, except to see my pain and suffering stop.

…...Perhaps it is slightly unusual for me, but... after what Len did for me... and knowing full well how much she treasures strawberry shortcake... something like this, is the least I can do for her. As a way of saying "Thank you." She deserves at least that.

I sip on my tea. Flavorful Aki-Bancha. The warmth immediately is felt as it slides down my throat and into my stomach. It actually contracts slightly painfully, due to not having eaten fairly recently and the tea being quite hot. I groan slightly and clutch my stomach. My next sip is considerably lighter in volume, but I felt so thirsty–

…...Thirsty like in my nightmare. But Len took that away from me.

I think that was what she was pulling out... what was left of "him" perhaps. For that is all he existed as... a bad memory, a dream. That is Len's power, to manipulate such dreams. Such a task, for her, is probably trivial, and as easy for her to do as it is for a human to scratch their forearm when it itches.

I have had nightmares ever since I had killed "him" really, but they truly began to intensify only in the last month or so. I went from really only having them when I was under intense stress, to having them when I went to sleep with nearly any sort of problem or worry on my mind.

Perhaps Len could sense the malevolent energies in my dreams, and decided she could not stand by idly.

Perhaps she simply feels that she wants to look out for me, as well as for Nii-san.

…...Perhaps she simply wished to do a good deed.

Either way, she really did not have to interfere. She is Nii-san's familiar, not mine. She does not need to be a part of my life unless she chooses to be. That is why giving her something like cake, a simple thing to make, is the least I can do to show my gratitude. It is rude not to reward someone who helps you out of simple good will, after all.

But perhaps she has reasons for that. Perhaps she knows it would stress Nii-san if I were to take a mental slide.

Perhaps she knows it would be dangerous if I lost myself.

Perhaps she had her own reasons for doing so.

…...Perhaps she helped out simply because she felt obligated.

I shall have to ask her sometime, I think. Len does not speak very often, but as long as I phrase things in yes or no answers, she will readily nod or shake her head, or point. It is not that Len is mute; far from it. She can and does speak, on very rare occasion. She shows no difficulties speaking. It does not physically harm her to do so. Her enunciation is quite clear and crisp. It is just that she simply prefers silence.

My door opens back up. Kohaku has prepared a wonderful Japanese breakfast. Distasteful as it sounds, my mouth begins to water from the smell alone.

…...Then again, the last time I ate was that pizza after I had stitched up Nii-san on Wednesday.

"...Kohaku, how is Nii-san doing?" I ask.

"Shiki-san is doing better. He is still resting. From what Hisui-chan has said, you actually stitched him up pretty well. At this rate, you might even manage to learn medicine as well as cooking, Akiha-sama." Kohaku smiles.

…...Her praise makes me blush a little.

"Well, I did the best I could. I do not have your knowledge, or equipment," I humbly reply.

"I know that, Akiha-sama. Still, it was quite good. Good enough that all I had to do was give him a little bit of antibiotics, clean the wounds with some disinfectant, and drain the pus. As Jinan-sensei once said,_ 'Ubi pus, ibi evacua.'_"* She waves her finger in the air as she imparts this little bit of advice.

…...Those are not wise things to talk about when one is quite hungry, Kohaku.

...Still, I suppose it is a good thing that I did a good job tending to Nii-san's wounds. I have no such formal medical training, unlike Kohaku. For me to actually be praised by her... that means I have done far better than I thought I would.

Such praise is not something Kohaku would dish out lightly. She is not someone who would grovel at my feet. Indeed, if she did, I would begin to suspect that she had gone back to the way she was before all of this happened.

"Well... I will leave him to you for now, Kohaku. After all, I know you will want your time with Nii-san as well."

"Yes. I will take good care of Shiki-san, so please, focus on your recovery for now, Akiha-sama." With a smile, Kohaku brings the tray over, and after setting a pillow upon my lap, she places the tray on it. "Please eat your fill, Akiha-sama."

"...Thank you, Kohaku." I carefully grip the chopsticks with my right hand. "Itadakimasu."

Kohaku smiles, bows, and after refilling my teacup, leaves the room to allow me to eat in peace.

And so, I eat. Usually I would be concerned about how much I eat, but since I did not exactly eat yesterday, I believe my body can afford to indulge a little on calories.

It seems like it was barely a few hours ago. Has it really been nearly a day and a half...? Perhaps my mind is that exhausted and was catching up on rest.

…...That may be a rational explanation, really. It... has been a long week. I have been under lots of stress, for a variety of reasons.

The start of the week began with me confronting Seo about the doujinshi she drew, of her and a girl that looked strongly like me kissing. And she got very angry, and rightfully so, when I accused her of making such... filth with me in it, only for her to confess the next day that after a mutual apology that it was, indeed, me in it.

Then, not long after that apology, when I was feeling very good about myself, Nii-san came home, and in fairly bad shape. I had to switch from being happy to being worried about his condition. It was not a very pleasant experience, and I definitely would not recommend such an emotional game.

…...Then, my nightmares began coming back in full force. Both were ugly, disgusting, horrible things. One, of a bloodthirsty, mentally insane savage, guided purely by the feeling of blood pouring down her throat and the most basic, animal, killer instinct. The other... arguably the bigger monster. A monster who not only loved dishing out violence, she got sexual gratification out of it.

"...These are not wise things to think about when one is eating, Akiha," I tell myself.

But... morbid as they are, they are true.

It is no wonder I slept so late... and if what Kohaku said about my sleep is true, I really could not sleep deeply until after midnight at any rate. Therefore, it is not too unusual for me to have slept so deeply.

…...And that is probably thanks, at least in part, to Len.

As I have noted before, I do not generally like cats, but if every cat were like Len, I probably would have to change my mind. Far from the pride, vain cat that most felines are, Len is actually a quiet, and somewhat shy girl. Despite that, if she likes you enough, she will make her favor known, and crawling into one's lap is something she is fond of doing if she likes the person enough.

I smile a bit at that thought, as I begin to more rapidly attack my meal.

By the time Kohaku arrives back in my room 20 minutes later or so, the tray is off to the side. Not a single thing was uneaten, and my teacup is empty once more. My stomach feels swollen, but satiated. Breathing too deeply is uncomfortable, and I feel like I do not want to move for at least the next hour.

…...Thankfully, as I had noted I would be absent today, all that would be awaiting would be some of the usual paperwork. That can easily be done quickly. I can make up for an hour of lost time, if need be, it just means my hand may cramp up a little afterward.

"I am glad you ate everything, Akiha-sama," Kohaku says with a smile as she takes the tray.

"Gochisousama deshita,"** I reply.

"...Wow, you really must have been hungry. Usually, Akiha-sama is reluctant to even eat 350 grams of food in one sitting. That had to be at least 500 or 600, ufufu." Kohaku giggles in the strange way that she always does.

"...Well, when one has not really eaten for nearly a day and a half, I think one is a little more entitled to have a larger portion, if they so choose to," I say. "Though if I ate another thing, I think my stomach would burst..."

Kohaku giggles a bit. "Well, please rest up, but when you're feeling better, today is supposed to be a lovely day, so try to get some air, alright Akiha-sama?"

"Yes," I reply. "Thank you once again, Kohaku."

She smiles, and leaves the room, taking the tray with her.

...Kohaku is really like a mother figure to me. She does look out for my well-being... well, it was only nominally, perhaps, until the incident with Nii-san, but ever since then, her care has taken on a very genuine and sincere tone.

The only thing strange about it is that Kohaku is only about a year and a half older than myself.

And yet... she was the only real stable female presence in my life besides Hisui. But while Hisui was the one who cleaned the mansion, Kohaku is the one who cooked and prepared things for me. It was Kohaku who ensured that my clothing was cleaned, my baths were prepared, my meals were cooked just as I preferred them.

…...In some ways, it is incredible to think she could have ever been plotting against me. But she was, at one point.

But, that is in the past. The past is not something to dwell on. Live for tomorrow, right Nii-san?

...I wonder. Will Kohaku ever have children? And if so, will it be with Nii-san? What would they be like? What sorts of life lessons would she teach them?

...Surely, they will not learn of what happened to her as a child until they were older. I see Kohaku fully guarding them with her life if need be, and there is no doubt that she would raise them well. Kohaku is an ideal housewife; she can cook, she has medical skills, she can clean... well, outside, anyway.

I think she would make a good mother. I think she would want her children to have a very happy childhood, and not have to grow up nearly as quickly as she, Hisui, or myself had to. Our childhood was stolen from us all before any of our ages were in double digits.

I think she would spoil them a bit. I would have to watch over her and advise her. And, admittedly... I would hope that I am in a sound mental state at that time... Otou-sama made a prediction on my blood, but there is no guarantee that it will hold true, and I have to be careful the rest of my life, no matter what.

…...Still... Aunt Akiha... I must confess, I like the sound of that.

A short while after I relax in my bed, I become aware of the pressure in my lower abdomen.

…...Well, naturally after having eaten such a large meal, it would be pushing on _**that**_, but if I have been sleeping most of the last day and a half or so, it is little wonder that my body has those needs at the moment. Anyone who has taken a basic anatomy course would know that the body can only hold so much waste products, and if those limits are exceeded, it can be fatal.

I walk, a little slowly and carefully, to the bathroom and shut the door, locking it behind me for privacy. As this is a western-style mansion, the toilet is also a western-style sit-down toilet, as opposed to a more traditional Japanese-style squat toilet. Either sort is fine, though I admit I am more used to the western style.

I unclasp and unzip my dress, stepping out of it, then pull my underwear down around my knees as I sit, leaning forward and pulling my legs together while I wait for micturition to begin.

"…...…Hahhhhh."

I can feel the pressure relieving as nature takes its course. I unconsciously close my eyes as the relief rolls through my body.

Eventually, my eyes reopen as the sensation of relief begins to fade, and I await while it finishes up. An odd shiver runs up my spine as my bladder empties, causing me to shudder slightly. I then push the button on the toilet to cleanse myself.

As the warm water carefully sprays along my anatomy, I shiver once more. It is... oddly sensate. Likely because I have just awoken. I have to slightly move my body so it is less direct. After a few moments, I gather some toiletpaper, fold it carefully, dry my anatomy, and stand. The toilet flushes automatically once I do so.

I pull my underwear back up, step into and refasten my skirt, and exit the bathroom. On Kohaku's advice, I think I shall take a walk out to the balcony.

Walking over to the door to my balcony slowly, I open the door, and look outside. It is a beautiful day, for November. A partially clouded sky, and the temperature is just warm enough to be pleasant to the skin, yet the breeze that blows gives the perfect amount of delicious chill.

Everything is bathed in a mellow golden glow.

"...Like..."

...Like in my dream. The dream that Len gave me after seeing my nightmare.

I sit down in my chair, and close my eyes and remember that place.

A warm sun.

The wind whispering through the blades of grass, like it were having a private conversation with you.

A promised dawn.

This place is the sort of place that one could look at every day in their life, and always find something new. A treasure for not only the senses, but for the existence.

An existence, outside time.

To Len, that place has been her refuge, her shelter, her place of safety for years innumerable. I feel... blessed, that she decided to share it with me.

A safe haven.

Even if I never get to see that place again in my entire life, I shall remember it always...

Truly, it would not be a bad place to be. It would not be a bad home to have, out in the countryside. Indeed, several of the other Tohno have such places, and it would not be inconceivable for me to have one either.

…...Though, usually my duties tie me to Misaki City. I would not be able to just up and go without warning. And I would definitely have to inform at least Arcueid-san and Ciel-san about my vacations to such a place, along with a way for them to reach me in an emergency.

That said, I certainly have the funds to buy such a home. Or even have one built. Indeed, that may not be a bad idea to pursue sometime. A home the way I want it to be. My home.

A home that I could have that would be free of pains and sorrows, even for Kohaku. A home that she could look forward to the sight of without having to remember all the horrors and atrocities that have been committed there in years past.

A home whose distance from society would mean that, hopefully, if the worst did happen and I did suffer a permanent Inversion Impulse, the number of victims would be minimal. Indeed, with nobody around, if I am extremely lucky, I would be the only victim – dead of starvation.

...But those are morbid thoughts for a day as nice as today. No. I should be leaving my past and my worries firmly in that very place – the past. In a year, Tohno Akiha will be eighteen. Two years until she is legally considered an adult by society and the law. I must begin planning ahead, and dwelling on mistakes or fears from the past will not do me any sort of good.

My thoughts are interrupted when there is a knock at my patio door. I turn to it. A pink-haired girl in a kimono awaits.

"Yes, Kohaku?" I ask her as I turn towards her a little more fully.

The door opens. "Akiha-sama, you have a visitor today," Kohaku announces.

…...A visitor? At this time of day? My mind races as to who it could be.

"…...I see. Please send them up here, Kohaku."

"At once, Akiha-sama." She bows and departs. I think about whom it is likely to be.

Not Souka, Hanei, or Seo. They are all at class. …...Well, considering the time, they are probably all still snoring for an hour or so, anyway. Especially Hanei, both on the sleeping and the snoring part. Hanei is virtually impossible to easily awaken, and there have been times where I would be woken up by Hanei's light shaking and cheerful calls of "Good morning, Akiha-chan!" only to open my eyes and stare into a face with goofy doodles and cat whiskers, and I would have to shield my face so that Hanei could not see me laughing. Souka's shoulders would be shrugging from stifling laughter for at least the next half hour... especially if Hanei forgot to check herself in the mirror.

Not Arcueid-san. She COULD be awake, but she is likely sleeping. Indeed, with me, shall we say, "indisposed" over the last few nights, it is fairly likely that both she and Ciel-san have had to pick up some of the slack. I would imagine she is not terribly happy with me, but at least I do have a bit of an excuse for the last few nights, considering that Nii-san did return home in fairly bad shape, and I did have to actually care for him and watch over him for that time.

…...Speaking of Ciel-san, she is also certainly a possibility. That would make sense. Ciel-san and I have a bit of an unusual relationship. Although the Holy Church may accept "natural" demons such as myself, they certainly tolerate them only because they are creations of God, in their eyes, as much as humans or any other lifeform on the planet. Ciel-san and I manage to get along and take care of this city's business together, but it is not like she would, say, like to go window shopping with me or anything of that sort. When she is not combating The Dead, she tends to keep to herself, or is spying somewhere, or some other thing.

However, I am also the sister of someone whom is an important ally of hers, and she knows I would never let harm befall Nii-san if I could help it. Therefore, we are cordial, but if I somehow do uncontrollably invert, Ciel-san would likely be the first to attempt to kill me. This is fine. Truth be told, I would probably prefer that sort of arrangement. At least I could be quite confident that Ciel-san would kill me. More importantly, if I killed her, she would simply come back... although she would probably not prefer to remember that.

The door in my room to this patio opens up once more. Indeed, my visitor has blue hair. But... it is not the blue-haired woman whom I had in mind.

"Yo, Tohno." The girl greets me with her usual casual wave.

"S, Souka...?"

* * *

* Latin. "Where there is pus, evacuate it."

** Gochisousama deshita - Common compliment said after eating a meal you have not prepared yourself. Literally means "It was a feast" but is more generally used as a way to say "Thank you for the meal."

* * *

Why is Souka here on a school day...? It is unlike her to skip.  
It is also unlike her to visit me so suddenly and unannounced...  
...But she must have good reasons for it, I am sure.

* * *

Next Week (12/19/10) – Chapter 29: "Strange Friends, Stranger Relationship"


	29. Strange Friends, Stranger Relationship

Chapter 29: "Strange Friends, Stranger Relationship"

* * *

"Souka? What are you doing here? It is a class day, is it not...?"

"Yeah, would've been," she states calmly with a shrug of the shoulders. "'Til some sort of freak power outage hit the whole campus, anyway. While they're fixing it, they cancelled classes. And since you left in a rush on Wednesday and already said you'd be busy most of this week, I decided to check up on ol' Tohno." She smiles slightly.

"Ah." Well, that does make sense. "I had some things to attend to Thursday and today, but Wednesday's early departure was unplanned."

...For all of her usual wisecracks, Tsukihime Souka does actually care about her friends. I would guess that she is the sort of type whom would help her friends, but make her help and assistance less obvious or immediately apparent.

"I see, I see." She looks around. "Nice little patio you got here, Tohno. I can see why you like the one our dorm has so much." Her blue eyes wander around, examining my view of the grounds. The garden Kohaku keeps, the not-so-far off trees of the Nanaya's Forest...

...The solitary tree where, according to Kohaku, our mutual nightmare began.

It is a lovely tree, in contrast to the ugly thing that was born from it. If I did not like the tree so much myself, I would probably have it cut down, but when I tried to subtly bring up the proposal to Kohaku, she seemed to indicate she did not want it cut down either.

As if life was life, and all deserved to live equally.

"...Yes. It is pleasant and healthy for me to sit outside from time to time. We will not be able to for much longer, so I am getting as much in while I can before the snows fall." I re-seat myself.

"Makes sense. Mind if I sit?"

...Gah, she has been standing this whole time. Right...

"Oh, go ahead! You do not have to ask me for something like that, Souka."

With a smile, Tsukihime Souka sits down, crossing her legs after she does so that the calf of one rests on the thigh of the other. To go along with her casual sort of sitting, she is dressed casually... which to her, of course, means a blue hoodie, dark blue pants, and her blue hair tied back in a small ponytail.

...Did I mention Souka really likes the color blue?

"Well, I had just woken up perhaps a half an hour before you arrived, Souka," I confess. "My mind is not fully working yet... apologies."

"Kinda looks like it, too," she quips. "You been gettin' enough sleep, Tohno? Every time you stay over at the dorm, you're always dead last to awaken, even beating out Hanei." Her tone takes on a very subtle, but noticeable to me, serious tone.

…...It also has to do with the fact that Souka is right.

When what happened last year... happened, for months afterwards I would have nightmares of the event. But unlike normal nightmares, where one would awaken... I would not. I would be forced to relive the nightmare, over and over, with varying results as to what transpired during the nightmare.

There were some nights where Nii-san emerged the victor as he straddled me, calmly pushing his knife down into my chest, making me gasp for air as he wrenched and twisted the blade, tearing apart my lung and my heart.

There were some nights where he could not kill me himself, but I succeeded in my own suicide. For some strange reason, it became an extremely grotesque form of hara-kiri, except that I went from heart, to stomach, to other lung, making my torso resemble a huge smile. Physical impossibilities of slashing through my ribs aside, it was extremely gruesome, especially when I would say "I have a final smile for you, Nii-san..." and showed him my flayed flesh right before I expired.

Of course, there were some nights I killed him before it even got to that point, pinning him against the wall and draining him of all his heat so that he resembled something like an Egpytian mummy. Likewise, there were some nights where I would not even face him – I would just hear a small whistling and turn just in time to see an expertly thrown knife slam into my skull right between the eyes, killing me instantly, except that I could see and hear, and for some reason feel, what happened afterwards.

Sometimes, it would be Kohaku crying. Sometimes, Nii-san would say "...No! Akiha! Don't die!" but I would already be dead, so it would be foolish and pointlessly said.

Sometimes, Kohaku and Nii-san would comment on how I was at peace at last, and, while still remorseful, they would be glad that I was finally at rest. I suppose this is the way I would prefer.

…...Then there were the nights where Nii-san simply stripped my corpse and raped me. The ultimate symbol of forced control and dominance. Of victory. Of still-warm flesh spastically squeezing and gripping in death agonies until he ejaculates, fulfilling his primal instinct to impregnate.

…...The problem was not that I was not getting enough sleep – physically, I was. The problem was that mentally, my mind would not be able to rest, as it should. Physically, I would feel fine and rested. Mentally... I was exhausted. It is possibly why I began to drink a little more, as that would at least tend to subvert the dreams into the "less bad" ones, rather than the ones of Nii-san raping me.

"I have been getting the sleep I require," I say. "Physically, I am fine in that regard, getting perhaps a few hours less than most, but I am fully used to this amount, so it is of little concern, actually. Please, do not worry yourself regarding it."

"Yeah? Could've fooled me, Tohno. You zombie out a lot, you know." Souka crosses her arms and looks me over.

It is wise not to underestimate Tsukihime Souka, at any time. For all of her seemingly calm, "whatever happens, happens" nature, she is actually a very good judge of people. Lying to her will almost always inevitably fail. Oftentimes, she knows traits about people well before they admit them.

I am honestly not sure what it is, exactly, that makes her a good judge of moral character, but she seems to know when someone has good intentions and someone has... less than good intentions. Truth be told, she is primarily the one looking out for Hanei during the times we are amongst boys.

It is probably also one of the few times she swallows being treated as a boy – by pretending to be Hanei's boyfriend, an event that has given Seo Akira inspiration more than once to draw. She has kept those drawings tactfully hidden.

…...I will simply hope they are not what I think they are.

"I do not 'zombie out' as you put it. My mind is simply preoccupied with other things. Surely you know that I have a lot of responsibilities even when I get home, as opposed to most girls." I place my hands in my lap and I look Souka in the eye.

"...Mmmmm, yeah, you do got a point," she accedes. "Work at the temple is demanding, but life isn't quite as hectic as yours."

…...Ah, yes. The temple.

I rarely ask Souka about her home life. For all of her laid-back, casual demeanor, few would know that Tsukihime Souka comes from a family that was, by her own admission, even more strict on her upbringing than Otou-sama was to me. I find it hard to believe, but I suppose I will have to take her word for it. People who are very casual such as this are either made that way, or made into that way – and nobody from a upper-class family would be allowed to be so casual, realistically speaking.

If it is true – and I have not known Souka to lie very often at all – there are usually only two reactions that can come out of it. One would be to have her will broken completely, until she obeys without question... similar to how Kohaku lived for the better part of eight years.

The other would be to reject it virtually entirely. This seems to be what Souka has done. Around us, she is the usual, aloof, witty Tsukihime Souka I have grown to like as a friend, and when she is to return home, she simply resumes the role and expectations of one who is a Shrine Maiden at her family's temple, seeing it as only temporary and enduring it.

What will become of that temple when she inherits it, I wonder...? I doubt she would let such a place fall into ruin and disuse. That would gnaw at her conscience, for one, and for two, Souka does actually seem to like temples... just not administering at them. She may simply oversee operations and hire others to do the actual day-to-day work. Her own personal dislike for the duties aside, she does care about the reputation of her shrine, and when she is called back to do something for it, she will do it without hesitation... albeit with some grumbling to myself, Hanei, and Seo beforehand and afterward.

"...How is the temple going, anyway?" I ask her.

"Good, good," Souka says a bit unenthusiastically. "The cold isn't keeping too many people away, so I have to work there this Sunday... "

"Ah, yes. It is Culture Day* this Sunday, is it not? I had nearly forgotten..."

"Yeah. One of the few days I GOTTA work the shrine." She sighs, obviously disappointed.

"Well, yes, but we all have duties," I remind her. "Besides, there will be another band next week. Surely you will find the time then, hm?"

"Yeah. Guess you're right, Tohno. But the second the temple hits closing time, my ass is outta there!" She laughs.

I cannot help but laugh with her, myself.

...Strange. Tsukihime Souka and myself are really nothing alike. It does not even take someone who would know us to deduce that. I am very formal, proper, and elegant. She is informal, vulgar, and simple. And yet... we are friends. No, more than friends... good friends. Friends who can open up to one another without the fear of being judged.

…...…...Was it not someone famous who once said "opposites attract?"

Souka and I would definitely fit into that category. Absolutely nothing about us is alike... well, our body proportions, maybe, but even I trump Souka there.

We do not think the same way. We do not speak the same way. We do not dress the same way. We are almost diametrically opposite from one another... and yet, she is one of the few people who I could consider a close friend.

However, this is as close as I can safely allow her to get. How would I ever explain to her that one of her close friends is something less than human? That she fears that one day, she will lose her humanity and become little more than a blood-sucking demon?

…...That she fears that it will be her friends that she finds when she inverts completely and irreversibly?

Nii-san, Hisui, and Kohaku are the people I least want to kill. Souka, Hanei, and Seo are the next ones I least want to kill. If any of them wound up dead, at my hands... I would not be able to live the life of a human anymore. The human that is fragilely clinging to the framework of a human existence would let go and fall into a dark pit, lined with barbs and hooks, baptized with gore, that scrape and cut the flesh of the human away, leaving only the pure existence of the demon behind.

"It's funny, isn't it?" Souka's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Hm?" I look to her.

"We're nothing alike, yet here we are." She motions, indicating the patio.

"...I was just thinking that myself." I blink a little. She's... not a mind reader, is she?

"Heh. That's one of the things I like about ya, Tohno." She grins a bit.

There is a knock on the patio door. Kohaku enters after a moment. "I brought you and Souka-san some green tea, Akiha-sama."

"Ah. Thank you, Kohaku," I state. Prescient as always, is Kohaku. "A drink would be nice right about now. That will be all for now, though. Please give us some privacy."

"Of course, Akiha-sama." With a smile and a bow, she places the tray down on a small table before departing. Some Aki-Bancha for myself, and Matcha for Souka. Souka takes her cup and holds it carefully as she sips. In a rare show of grace, she drinks it almost exactly as I would, holding the saucer in one hand and the cup very carefully in the other.

"...Good stuff. Same as last time," she says with approval. At the same time, she sets the saucer on her lap and gives a thumbs up with the hand that had been holding it, completely destroying the image of an elegant Tsukihime Souka that had been there momentarily.

"Yes," I reply. "I had a feeling you'd prefer it after your enthusiastic response to it last time." I take a sip of my Aki-Bancha. Kohaku has sweetened it slightly, but it is quite pleasant. A little variance in one's favorite food and drink is not bad from time to time, after all.

For a few moments, we are both silent as we simply sip and enjoy our teas, on this rare November day that is still pleasant. It will not be long before pleasant days such as this one are gone for another year.

"Tohno. You've been in love before, right?" Souka asks, appropriately, out of the blue, as the expression goes.

"...Of course, Souka. What does it matter, though?" ...Well... Nii-san counts, right...?

"Well... there's been someone I've been thinking about being with... but I'm not sure how I should approach them... I'm afraid they'll turn me down or reject me." The very slightest hint of nervousness is apparent in her tone, but her body keeps its composure surprisingly well.

...Such curt dialogue so suddenly from Souka is rare. But she does not come to me with many problems, so I generally try to help her as best as I can.

Especially since seeing Souka in a moment like this is very rare.

I should not be too surprised, honestly. After all, the human creature is a social creature, and it desires at least some level of companionship, even if the person generally likes being alone.

…...There is also the fact that this is harder on Souka than normal, as a result of her boyish appearance. For her to approach someone with something as natural as a relationship proposal is more difficult than it would be for most girls. Even I would have some small amount of advantage, I suppose...

…...On these grounds, then, I will help her.

"Well... how well do you know this person?" I set down my tea on the tray and calmly ask her.

"Ah, very well. They're terrific. I like a lot of things about them," she informs me. "Thing is, I'm not exactly sure how they'd handle such a proposal, and I don't think they're very relationship-experienced, so they may feel too awkward if I just bluntly ask them, ya know?" She shrugs.

"Hm. Well... I suppose if you want to take a relationship to that sort of level, the best thing to do will be to be honest to yourself about your feelings, and admit them to the person in some way or another, but be prepared for rejection," I explain. "Love is idealistic, and sometimes the ideal is not the actual. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst... at least, that is as far as I can read into it, since I am not exactly someone who has many years of experience with romantic relationships."

"...Hmm," is all Souka says in reply, as she scratches her chin.

…...Many? Try "any."

It is painfully true, but I have not really experienced love before. At least, not in the form that Souka seems to be talking about. I have never had someone hold me and say that they love me, and truth be told, I have not even kissed that many times.

I prefer to hug Nii-san, because I can feel more of his warmth that way, but on those rare times I feel a kiss from him on my cheek or on my forehead, it is like a furnace pouring forth from his lips, a heat that I intensely crave to feel for the rest of the day.

And on the occasions where they were on my lips for some reason or another... not only did I feel heat pour forth from him, but I felt a warmth in my stomach that I cannot possibly begin to explain except as feeling intensely pleasant.

But still... Kohaku did kiss me on the lips, albeit to drug me. And Len as well, in that dream. And Seo, in her doujinshi...

...And Nii-san in the garden once, on my forehead, nine years ago. That is the most precious of the few kisses I can truly remember.

"...Hey. Tohno." Souka's voice brings me back from my slight daydream.

"...Yes?" I look at Souka, blinking a few times as the memory of Nii-san's lips against my forehead fades once more.

"...You never did tell me who you were most interested in, you know." She grins slightly.

...Damn. I try to think back to when we had talked about that. I... had nearly blurted out "Nii-san."

"...I am interested in nobody." Yes. That still starts with an "N." That will be good enough for Souka.

"Nobody? I find that hard to believe, Tohno. C'mon, tell me." Her arms cross, and she stares, almost like a hawk that is but waiting for the prey to expose itself to pounce on it, and rip it to shreds.

"Really. I have no interests like that with anybody," I flatly lie as I calmly reach for my teacup again and take a sip. A lightly sweetened Aki-Bancha fills my mouth, and I savor its taste for a moment before I swallow it.

"Hmm. Sometimes you're tough to read, Tohno," Souka concedes with a sigh as she scratches the back of her head.

"...And what are you trying to read, Souka?" I cross my arms after I set my teacup back down on its saucer.

"Well... put bluntly, I think you're lying, Tohno." Her eyes narrow a bit, and a smirk crosses her face.

"...About loving someone? Don't be silly," I comment, attempting to shoot down her accusation. "If I loved someone, do you not think it would be quite obviously and immediately apparent? I would be talking about such an important person all the time, would I not?"

Souka laughs. "You're the one who's being silly, Tohno. C'mon now. Even an Ojou-sama** such as yourself can feel love, can't they?" Her own arms cross, and she sits back more deeply into her chair, her smirk widening.

"Ah, well..." I begin.

…...But…...

…...…...She is correct.

Of course I love someone. I love Nii-san, with every cell of my being. I would gladly die for him if it meant he would survive, as Tohno Akiha has been living on borrowed time ever since "he" killed her nine years ago.

But explaining that situation to Souka would be…...…...

"Well? So who is it? Someone not in your social class?" Like a predator baring its fangs, a glint of white appears in Tsukihime Souka's mouth.

"N-No!" I stammer out. "I-It's irrelevant who I love, isn't it? So please stop asking!"

Souka laughs. "You're so easy to wind up, Tohno. Just get talking about love or sex. ESPECIALLY sex."

She grins... a little sinisterly.

…...…...I do not like the look Souka has right now.

"Could that be it? Could it be Tohno's secretly desiring a roll in the hay?" The rictus grin widens, like a face of death.

"S-Souka!" Her... vulgarity is astonishing to me. One does not talk about matters like that, even with close friends!

"What? Tohno, don't you get it? It doesn't matter your social standing, or your education, or anything. What is fundamentally different about your body compared to mine?"

...Well, aside from the fact that I have slightly larger sizes, and have demon blood in my veins and you do not...

"...Nothing," is the only correct reply. "We share the same organs and systems, as all female humans do."

"Exactly, Tohno. So that means you can think and feel it just like any other girl can." She closes her eyes, grinning widely, almost as if she expects that this statement has won the argument.

"I-I shall feel it when I find a suitable husband, Souka, not before! Such a thing before marriage would be scandalous to our family reputation!" She may not care about her reputation in such a way, but I certainly do! The scandals in the papers would be horrendous... and I doubt people would ever look at me in the same way again.

"Oh? Haven't you ever heard the saying 'There's no such thing as bad publicity' Tohno?" She smiles, quite happily. "Because people love to gossip about the private love lives of those in power, ya know. Some of them even fantasize about hooking up with them..."

"Don't be silly! Bad publicity is bad publicity! It cannot make one more popular, or successful, that is why it's _**BAD**_ publicity!" Why doesn't she get this?ǃ Bad is bad! Period! Bad things cannot be good, that's the way it should be!

Souka stands up and walks over, smirking a bit. "Tohno... even upper-class ladies don't wait until their marriage anymore, didn't you know that?"

"It doesn't matter! I am comfortable with waiting!" I adamantly state. Really! I am! I, I will be just fine with waiting! I am in no rush to fall in love! I shall do it at my own pace, not someone else's expectations, or society's!

"Are you? Let's find out." With this, she reaches out and takes my hand, and lifts me up out of my seat.

"F-Find out?ǃ What do you mean by th–"

And her lips press against mine.

My mind goes blank. Numb. Just like before.

I am... unused to this situation...

Especially... from a girl...

…...Especially from Tsukihime Souka.

My mind is so confused that I can't even react, really.

…...…...Why her?

I could see a few other people having an interest in me, but... her...? Why...?

...Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why…...?ǃ

Why her, and why me, and why this sort of relationship... why would she want it, with me of all people...?

I, I am not the sort of person to engage in these relationships! Or homosexuality! Ever!

But... despite all that...

"...S…...Souka..." is all that my bewildered mind can piece together and coordinate my throat to say.

"Do you see who I've fallen for now, Tohno? Is it obvious enough yet?" Her hand grips mine a little more firmly. Preventing my escape.

Not allowing the prey to escape from the talons of the predator.

I blink, stupefied. I have an idea, but...

"...S-Souka...?" I ask, my voice uncharacteristically shaking.

"Yeah, Tohno?" Hers, in comparison, calm and strong. As if this was all going to plan.

"...Is... it me...?" It falters near the end.

"You got it!" She says, simply, with a smirk.

* * *

* Culture Day: A Japanese holiday that occurs every November 3rd. Generally promotes culture, the arts, academic endeavors, and so on. Also occasionally called "Festival Day."

** Ojou-sama - Respectful term that means roughly "Daughter of a high-class family."

* * *

...Me? _**ME?ǃ**_ Why me?ǃ There's nothing to like about me!  
But, even more than that... we are both females! No!  
This is unacceptable! I won't allow her to take advantage of me like this!

* * *

Next Week (12/26/10) – Chapter 30: "Blind Side ~Under Blue Sky~ Part I"


	30. Blind Side: Under Blue Sky Part I

Chapter 30: "Blind Side ~Under Blue Sky~ Part I"

* * *

_**(Warning: This chapter contains sexual content. If you are offended by such content, or do not like to see yuri pairings, you may wish to skip this chapter.)**_

* * *

...W-What?ǃ Souka seeing me in that way...?ǃ

No! Unacceptable! Absolutely unacceptable!

"W, we're both female, Souka! Such a thing is not something that we should be doing!" I stammer it out the best that I can.

"So?" comes her usual coolheaded reply, with a shrug of her shoulders. The smirk – no, the death's head grin – still as firm over her face as ever.

"Idiot, s-so we can't do that!" I explain.

"Says who?" She blinks.

"Society!"

Souka laughs. "Tohno, I don't know what old-fashioned values your father drilled into your head, but those sorts of things are acceptable now. Well, it's not like you can just kick your heels out and say it... not that it stops some people from doing that... but it's not like you're gonna get your head cut off for liking other girls."

"It's not acceptable for me!" No! I am not interested in girls that way...!

"Oh? But you want love, don't you?" Death approaches a little closer.

"...W-Well, yes, but not fr–"

Another kiss. My eyes widen, and I manage to push her away. Please... please don't do this, Souka. Not now. Not today, of all days...!

She pulls away as she's pushed. "What's the matter, Tohno? Afraid?" The grin, still there. "There's nothin' to be afraid of. If you gave me five minutes, I bet you wouldn't be thinking of going anywhere..."

"N-No! Such things are done between a man and a woman!" Or at the very least, not between myself and Souka!

"Your point, Tohno?" She asks coolly.

"You're a woman, Souka, and so am I!"

"...And?" She blinks, not understanding. Doesn't she get it...ǃ?

"And you don't see anything wrong with that?ǃ"

"To be honest, nope." She shrugs.

...How do I get out of thisǃ?

I try the only way I can. I walk off, to try to leave the patio.

I take two steps, before my vision suddenly swoons. I stumble, trying to regain my balance, but to no avail. About the best I can do is to catch myself as I fall to the ground.

...All the strength is leaving my body... Is... is something happening...? Such sudden weakness...

"C'mon, Tohno. I think it's time you got a little bit of education. I don't know what sort of nonsense that old man of yours put into your head... but it's pretty clear he gave you some wrong ideas."

The grin has actually faded from Souka's face... in its place, is a combination of pity... and a little of a look of desire. Of someone who wants... something.

But that thing... that's not something Souka is supposed to have...

"...Souka, stop this..." I try to reach for her again... but...

...G-Gah. I have no strength in my body. Sitting up is taking effort, but pushing her away... my arms feel like there is no power in them at all.

"You won't be saying that in a few minutes, Tohno. Promise. Just relax, alright...?"

I can feel her hands rubbing the bottoms of my legs, slowly moving up underneath my dress. I try to push away, but my body responds slowly, sluggishly, as if I had just run for hours.

Am... am I being... raped? By a girl? By Souka, of all people...?

No, impossible, Souka had no access to the drinks. Kohaku was the one who deliv–

…...I look back into my room.

A smiling Kohaku is standing in my open doorway, watching the scene unfold. When she notices that I have seen her, she smiles, bows, and closes the door.

"…...Aproned Devi–"

My thoughts get interrupted as I feel fingers other than my own touching my underwear. My anatomy.

"Khn–?ǃ" I try to jerk my hips away, but it's of little use. Souka has moved to minimize my ability to get away... and Kohaku's little treachery means they will only barely obey my mind's will.

"Ah, there we are Tohno. It feels a little strange at first, doesn't it?" Her fingers, tracing along the bands. Feeling places that her fingers are never meant to touch.

With intention, the fingers rub the fabric into my sensitive flesh. I try my best to squirm away, but it is of little use.

Kohaku... has drugged me with something. To keep my mind sharp, but to weaken me physically...

...To set me up for this... for something I don't want, at all, with Souka...

Is... is Souka in on this?ǃ For what other reason would she be doing–

"...!"

A finger rubs against a very sensitive spot indeed. My body involuntarily curls up slightly.

"Wow... sensitive. Do you even touch yourself, Tohno?" Her finger rubs, curiously, against the small bump.

"Th... That's... none... of your concern...!" I try my very best to push her away.

"...Wow... never even masturbated? Are you kidding, Tohno?ǃ" Souka sounds absolutely stunned.

I do not reply. I just try to get away, but this causes her to just invade my privacy even more. She moves in even more, further minimizing how much I can actually move.

"Well, that has to change. That has to change now." With this, she rubs with even more intention.

A sharp gasp leaves my mouth without me controlling it.

This thing...

…...Why is Souka doing this thing?

What she's doing... it's making me feel strange...

We are both female! We should not be doing this! This, this is wrong!

If only I had the strength to push her away, I could stop this. I could easily do so if I allow the other side of me to take over... I could stop her–

"...Nghaaa?ǃ"

A strange sound out of my lips.

Souka has moved my underwear aside, and is rubbing my flesh directly now. A small, sensitive bump, that is feeling warmer and warmer with each careful prod and contact with fingerprint-ridged fingertips.

"Mgghhh, hnnnnngh...!" It is the only noises I can make. Words fail to form.

"Oh? Is that starting to feel good, Tohno?" She asks with that same grin, her fingers changing placement to rub it from a different direction.

...No... it's... strange...

My body shivers slightly, and it feels like air does not stay in my lungs. My body weight settles back a little bit more, leaving me only propped up on my elbows, watching as Souka invades my privacy in one of the worst ways someone can invade a girl's privacy.

...But...

I'm... starting to feel a little hot... and that heat feels good...

…...N-No, I shouldn't like this...! I, It is still Souka doing this to me, not a boy... e-even if she looks like one, that's not the same thing...

Souka grins. "Just close your eyes and relax. It'll be all worth it." Her eyes look into mine with a slight smile, one telling me to just focus on the feelings.

Breathing's hard... I can't catch my breath...

"...Nghh..." N-No... e, even my body is betraying my mind... th-that noise, it's filthy...

Her fingers rub carefully. They're... focusing on that sensitive part... the clitoris...?

It's... growing...?

I feel it changing... it's... filling with blood, I think.

...I'm... getting aroused? Why...? Souka's female... Only males should...?

"There we go, Tohno. Now you're getting into it." I hear her laugh a little.

…...Why am I getting into it? I shouldn't... should I...?

…...Is this something I should be liking...?

Because, it's... starting to feel nice…...

I feel her carefully pinch my anatomy, and slowly rub it between her thumb and index finger, squeezing slightly. As if replying automatically to some unspoken command, my hips push into her hand more, and I feel blood racing through the part that is lightly pinched between her fingertips.

"...That..."

…...That's... good…...

Souka's laugh sounds a little distant. "Yeah. There we go." She says it almost like she's cooing.

My eyes close. I can feel the urges to fight this fading, as the heat in my body increases...

My body is simply saying to just lay back and enjoy this... even if it is from another girl...

If... being touched... if it's this nice, then...

A sigh escapes my lips without my will. The air moves out of my lungs before I even notice it doing so.

"Feels good, doesn't it, Tohno?" Her fingers don't stop. Rolling, lightly pinching, her fingers rubbing sensitive flesh that I didn't even know existed save for an accidental graze after using the bathroom.

"...F-Feels... intense…..." My mouth says the words before I can check them.

It... does feel intense... but... in a pleasant way I've never experienced. This... this isn't sex, though, because Souka hasn't penetrated me... so what is it...?

Souka's fingers roll my swelling flesh between them, and she suddenly rubs on a spot that's highly sensitive on the underside.

"KHHNN––!" My hips jerk up hard into them before I can even register their movement. M, My body isn't even waiting for my mind to order it now.

"Oh? Sensitive there, huh Tohno? Most girls are." She says it with a slight laugh.

Her finger rubs up and down, the small ridges of her fingerprints providing a deliciously bumpy surface. Sensations blast throughout my body from the small piece of flesh that she holds in her fingers. Every time she does, it's like a lightning bolt traveling up my back, directly to my brain, paralyzing the ability of the mind to communicate with the body.

"...Hahhhhh... hahhhhh... ahhhhh..." I can't help but pant every time a new bolt is sent up my back from what she's doing.

"Mmmmmm... you sound hot like that, Tohno. Pant a little louder for me." She pinches my anatomy firmly in her fingers.

With a sharp GASP, my hips once more push themselves at her before I even realize they moved...

...And then... I feel wetness.

My eyes pop open, and I look down. Souka definitely has her hand up my dress.

"S-Souka... Did... did I just...?ǃ I-I didn't intend to...!"

…...She looks up at me a bit sadly.

"…...…Wow... you... really don't know anything about this at all, Tohno... no wonder…..."

I blush slightly in embarassment. I guess now it's something girls are expected to know, somehow...

"You didn't pee. You're wet. You want sex." She says it matter-of-factly, as another finger traces along the edges of the wet spot.

…...It conforms to my vagina.

"...B, but you are not male, Souka. I, the one time I walked in you changing confirmed that... unless you..."

Souka laughs like this is the funniest thing she heard in a long time.

"Nah, I'm no dickgirl, Tohno. No interest in sewing one of those things to me... well, permanently, anyway." She says it with a slight grin that implies knowledge of something... but it's knowledge I lack, so all I can do is blink.

"...Th... Then how can you... do that...?" Is all my confused mind can muster at the moment.

"Heh... thought you'd never ask..."

"...Huh? Ask you wh–"

As I attempt to ask the question, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do to her friend, Souka calmly pulls the crotch of my underwear off to one side, and pushes a finger in very slightly.

I gasp, and my eyes widen. Instinctively, I can feel the muscles clamp down and squeeze on the intruder.

"Like this, Tohno. See? A finger works fine. Well, it's not as good as the other stuff, but it can do some tricks you wouldn't believe..."

In. Out.

It moves.

In. Out.

A squeeze.

In. Out.

My head falls back to the ground, and my eyes close as if it were a natural thing to do.

In. Out. In. Out.

It feels... good... it shouldn't... but it does... it's wrong…... but it feels good…...

...Why does it feel good? Souka's a girl... it shouldn't feel good from another girl... only from a boy...

Th, that's what Otou-sama said sex was... the girl allows the boy to put his penis in her vagina. But Souka isn't a boy and is using her finger, so why does it feel good...?

…...Is this how it's supposed to be...?

"Don't worry, Tohno. I'm going nice and slow. If you don't even know how to masturbate, you're still a virgin... actually..." I feel her finger pull out of me, and her fingers pull my labia open. For some reason, I... almost want it to go back inside... and she inhales deeply through her nose, an odd noise coming from her throat. "...Mmm, yeah. You still got it. And it's thin, too, so it'll probably tear easily when you do. But I don't wanna take that on you, unless ya want me to..."

...W, what's she talking about? What do I have? I don't get it... I don't get any of this...

My thoughts quickly get silenced by a finger pushing back inside. Another sigh escapes my lips, along with a low, deep noise like Souka made.

A... moan. But moans come from pain, don't they...? I'm not in pain... no, my whole body feels like it's tingling and hot, especially my stomach and my crotch...

"Shh. Just relax, Tohno. It's so much better when you relax completely..." I feel her prop one of my legs across her shoulders, and the arm that had been holding it and minimizing its movement travels up under my shirt. Like she'd done such a thing many times before, her fingers slip their way under my bra, and I can feel her begin to rub and roll my left nipple, pinching it as she had pinched my clitoris.

When she does, a tremor surges through me yet again. I, it was a fairly hard pinch, but it didn't hurt... it felt good... so good...

Souka half-giggles, and half-coos. "Yeah. Mine are sensitive too, Tohno... the smaller they are, the more sensitive they are, you know that...?"

No... I don't know any of this... but I don't really care... Just... don't stop that... please...

My eyes manage to open themselves again, and they look up slightly at the sight of a blue-haired girl, smiling slightly, lightly blushing. She says nothing when our eyes meet, but her smile widens a little more, and I feel the hand that is grasping my breast press slightly.

"Your heart's racing, Tohno. This must be feeling really good, huh...? The first time is always the best time, isn't it?" Souka asks a very confusing question.

"…...Yeah…..." is all my confused mind can muster.

It's hard. Thinking is hard. My thoughts won't stay arranged no matter what I do, and instead of sticking in my mind as they're supposed to, they seem to simply form and get immediately discarded, as if thinking itself were completely pointless.

No... the only thoughts that seem to stick... seem to be ones that are based on what Souka is doing to me right now. Simple, short thoughts. "Lay back." "Push your hips." "Enjoy this."

Enjoy this. That's one that seems to be constant. Every time Souka squeezes my breast, or her fingertips rub or pinch my nipple, or her finger slowly pushes in and out, wiggling a little... that seems to be the one that comes up the most.

Even though Souka is a girl... it seems that my body doesn't care about that. It... it just wants what she is doing, and will not take no for an answer...

Souka removes my leg from around her shoulders, letting it rest on the ground, then leans in, and I see her eyes close a little as her head moves over to mine, and I feel her lips press fully against mine. A very light smell of perfume, of Gardenias. The scent swirls down my nostrils and increases the heat inside me a little more...

...All of this... it's making me feel unbearably hot. It's making me want to take off my clothing... even in front of Souka... it's not like we haven't changed after physical education before, but... this is different... this is not merely changing, this girl has fingers inside my private places...

As if knowing this, the hand squeezing my breast moves back out from under my shirt, and it begins to carefully unbutton the shirt. H... How she can do that one-handed, I don't know... but she is...

…...Her lips never leave mine, even as she does. The feeling of soft, slim lips against mine, of the warmth they contain, of the perfume she is wearing... it is all searing into my mind.

Two buttons undone. Three. Four. Five. Six... and my shirt is opened. Her lips finally remove themselves from mine, and she examines my chest and stomach for a few seconds.

"...Your skin's such a pretty color when you like this, you know that, Tohno?" Souka makes a comment that's absolutely ridiculous and makes no sense.

Just as I begin to form the words needed to ask what she means by that, she pushes up my bra effortlessly, and her lips seal around the nipple that she had been pinching.

And she sucks with her lips.

A cry that defies description comes out from my throat. As if it were the natural response to such a thing, my hands reach for her head and grip it tightly.

...But not to push her away... they're... pushing her in. As if they want it…...

This makes no sense. None of this makes sense. What she's doing... it's all wrong. It's all very wrong. Another girl should not be kissing me, or touching me... certainly not sucking my nipple, or pushing a finger in and out of my vagina...

…...So why... why do I want this to never stop...?

This is Souka. It should be wrong. It _**IS**_ wrong. And yet my body simply does not care what my mind thinks, and it wants her to keep on doing this until the end of time.

I can't even breathe straight anymore. Air exits my lungs just as fast as it enters them, with odd noises emitting from my throat seemingly at random. My body wants the finger deeper. My nipples stick out as if it were a very cold day, or I were swimming in a cold pool, and my whole body seems riddled with goosebumps.

…...If anyone else saw me like this right now, I would be so embarrassed I would just die on the spot. So why... why do I want Souka to continue doing what she's doing...?

"...You have no idea how hot you look and sound right now, Tohno..." Souka mutters something thickly as she moves from one nipple to the other, her finger beginning to wiggle a little more quickly and push in and out of my vagina a little harder, leaving me speechless and unable to do anything but grip her head even tighter.

Vaguely, I can sense that in reaction to her faster pushing, my body seems to be squeezing harder. It squeezes every time she moves out, trying not to let her go, trying to keep her inside as if that place were meant to hold something permanently in there...

Fleeting, brief images of events past flutter through my head, leaving as quickly as they enter. Souka smiling at me. Souka teasing me over things. Souka and I, playing volleyball in the summer. Souka's embarrassment when I tell her how good she looks in skirts and dresses. Accidentally walking in on Souka when she was changing.

...That one sticks in my mind. Paying attention to her body. Small breasts, smaller than even my own. A nearly boyish, unfeminine figure. The only sign that she was a girl at all being the triangle of dark blue pubic hair, and the small cleft of venus that bisects every girl's pubic mound to provide an opening for her vagina.

…...Why is that image, of all images that I have of her in my memory, the one that I can recall the most clearly right now...?

Souka and I are both girls. So what she's doing is wrong, even though I don't want her to stop... it's still wrong... right...?

Right…...?

...If it were wrong, I could stop it. I could have stopped this at any time just by inverting, which would give me more than enough strength to stop Kohaku's drugs from affecting me.

…...But I don't want to do that. And... I don't want this to stop...

…...…...My body wouldn't be telling me to like this if it were bad for me. No, it would say "This hurts" or something like that. And while things did hurt a little at first, as Souka continued, the pain began to subside... and now it simply feels good...

My eyes glance over at her. Sucking on my nipple, she is oblivious to my looking at her, but the way she is positioned on her hands and knees, I can see her back and backside. The very slightest of a feminine curve is there... and I can see the very top of a band of, unsurprisingly, dark blue underwear.

My eyes remain fixated on this feature, for a reason I can't possibly explain. It... it's a backside. Why would I want to look at that? That makes no sense. One sits on it, that's all, it's nothing more than cushioning for making seating comfortable... it doesn't serve any other purpose than that...

…...So why do I want to see her bare backside...?

Why does my mind want me to pull down her pants, and ask her to turn her backside towards me...?

…...Why does it want me to ask her to pull down her underwear as well, and display her genitalia for me…...?

N-No, I can't do that... that's wrong... friends don't ask friends to display their nude forms to them unless it is for a nude piece of art, or something like that. Souka is no artist, that would be Seo... and even then, a nude painting usually would _**NEVER**_ display such private places so directly and immediately... well, unless that is what the artist is painting, but...

Souka's lips move off of my nipple, and she begins to kiss her way down my chest. Slowly. Carefully. Making sure that there is scarcely a place left untouched by her lips, feeling all of the muscles underneath, sucking slightly with her lips before she pulls them off.

Down my ribs.

Down my abdominal muscles.

At my bellybutton.

…...At the hem of my dress.

"...Hey, Tohno. Do you trust me...?" A simple, honest, direct question, with none of the usual cryptic qualities.

"...T-Trust...?" My mind finally manages to get my mouth and throat to form a word for the first time in a long time.

"Yeah. Trust me and I'll give you something you'll never forget the rest of your life. Promise."

...Trust...

I manage to look at her. A face, deeply flushed, and not unlike my own. She looks like she is feeling a little hot and uncomfortable myself... but I know she has no problem with what she's doing... so...

…...She must really want to have sex with me... that's why she was using her fingers, wasn't it...?

A dilemma runs through my mind. Part of me says that doing this is absolutely wrong, improper, and I should tell her I don't trust her, to end this immediately, and to never speak of it again.

…...Part of me feels so hot and warm, and says that I should trust her, that Souka won't harm me, and that whatever happens, I will enjoy it immensely...

…...Souka's been my friend for that long... so…... should I…...?

* * *

...Wh... Why...? How... how did I let this happen...?  
I... I should stop this... shouldn't I...? She's another girl... and... she's...  
...Am I seriously... considering this...? Even though she's... doing this...?

* * *

Next Week (1/2/11) – Chapter 31: "Blind Side ~Under Blue Sky~ Part II"


	31. Blind Side: Under Blue Sky Part II

Chapter 31: "Blind Side ~Under Blue Sky~ Part II"

* * *

_**(Warning: This chapter contains sexual content. If you are offended by such content, or do not like to see yuri pairings, you may wish to skip this chapter.)**_

_**

* * *

**_…...Well...

I've... already gone this far, haven't I?

I, I've already let her kiss me... and feel me... and... stick her fingers inside of me...

She's already felt my most intimate places... places that she shouldn't have touched, but she did, and they're making me feel so hot...

…...Hot, and... it felt good... I don't know why, but it did...

"Well? It's up to you, Tohno..." The blue-haired girl looks back at me, her face lightly blushing and her own breathing a little quickened, lips parted slightly to allow the increased airflow out.

I try my best to focus on Souka's eyes. My mind isn't thinking clearly right now... but I think the look in them says if I really want her to stop, she will, but she's hoping I'll trust her...

Trust... trust her? To do this to me...?

Even though she's a girl...?

...Well... as weird as it sounds... if she's really liked me that way this whole time, and wants to love me... it'd be rude to refuse…...

…...…So I nod, on that thought, not even fully sure why.

Souka smiles when I nod. She looks like the sort of girl who just got exactly what she wanted for her birthday. "Then just leave it to me, Tohno. Close your eyes, lay back, and relax..."

I swallow the abundance of saliva in my mouth. For some reason, my mouth was almost overflowing. I then lay back and close my eyes, just as instructed. Leaving it all in her hands…...

…...Why am I allowing her to do this all? Is it because I'm feeling obliged?

No... no, that's not it... am, am I curious...? No, I don't think that's it either...

But still... it's a girl. A rather boyish girl, but a girl. I, I've seen Souka's anatomy once or twice. She's definitely a girl, so there's no question, nor reason to try to trick myself into thinking it's really a boy doing these things to me...

…These things that Otou-sama said were supposed to wait for marriage. Well, the penetration, at least. The rest of it, those are things I never felt before, but...

…...Those things are what made me feel the hottest.

Warm. I'm so warm. It feels like I've absorbed heat from somebody, but I know I haven't...

I feel Souka's hands rubbing all over my body. Chest, stomach, thighs... they rub everywhere. Stroking. Massaging.

…...It feels good. It makes me want her to move those hands and those fingers back to where they were just a few moments ago...

As if reading my thoughts, I feel her move back under my dress. Part of me still can't believe I'm letting her do th–

"‼⁉"

My hips push once more as a strange sensation caresses my anatomy.

It... was warm. And... moist. And... different from a finger by far...

My eyes open once more, and I manage to lift my head up slightly. I see it is no longer just a hand under my dress... it is Souka's whole upper body.

That sensation again. A sharp gasp enters my lungs.

I... Is she... licking... there?ǃ N-No, that's dirty, I go from there…...!

A third. It's like fireworks exploding all over my body...

I can't keep my head up anymore. It settles back to the ground, and the air that had just begun to settle in my lungs resumes its inability to stay there.

Fourth. Without my willing it, my hips push into this warm, bumpy surface, and a strangled noise emits from my throat.

Th... There's no doubt that she's licking...

Licking the place... where I eliminate from...

I, it's fine for sex between a man and a woman. The man puts himself in, so the fact that he would also go from there is of little concern, but no man would ever lick where a girl goes from... nor would a girl ever lick a man's penis, so...

…...…Why is Souka licking there?

Could... this be something girls do to other girls, to make up for the lack of a penis...?

I don't know anything about this. I don't even know why I'm thinking these sorts of things. These thoughts, like countless others, appear in my mind and seemingly vanish just as quickly.

I feel Souka's tongue move away from a second, and a laugh that can only be described as impish comes from her throat. "Hmhmhm... your clit's twitching hard, Tohno. You like being licked there, huh...?"

Looking at her as she speaks, she even looks like a imp. She's certainly grinning like one...

"...S-Souka," I manage to begin. "...Th, that place is dirty. You shouldn't be–"

"Eh. It won't kill me. Some people drink pee, you know?" She shrugs her shoulders.

"...Some people drink it?ǃ" Is what flies out of my mouth without realizing it.

Souka laughs. "Easy, Tohno, I'm not gonna have you do that! Besides... you're too wound up in how good just the basic stuff feels to even begin exploring fetishes yet."

…Fetishes?

"Don't worry about that for now, though," she tells me with a wave of her hand. "Make yourself more comfortable... and don't worry about the mess... I'll take care of that." She licks her lips a little.

…...My body's legs move apart on some unheard, yet understood command. I feel Souka's hands rubbing all over my thighs, especially the inner sections, and playing slightly with the long stockings I wear as she leans back in. At the same time, her tongue... resumes licking up the fluids...

Th... That's disgusting... but it's making my body... hot...

It should be disgusting... shouldn't it? It would smell of sweat, and body odor, and perhaps a slight bit of urine, but... Souka seems not to care...

Does... does it please her, for some reason, to be smelling and tasting those odors? It's so disgusting, but... it's making me feel warmer and warmer with every lick she does to me...

A moan escapes my throat, as if I were in pain. But I'm not in pain...

"Mmmmm... that sounds like you like it, Tohno." A kiss, planted on my pubic mound, Souka seeming to not even care about the amount of hair that's there. Then, the licking resumes. Careful licks, that spread and press parts of my anatomy in different directions, resulting in stimulation I can feel deep inside my body, in places that could never be directly touched.

Another moan emits from deep in my throat. Not pain…...

…...Pleasure…...

Like a hot bath, or a good meal. This is a pleasure.

Except instead of the pleasure being in an item... this pleasure comes from within.

That's why it's so intense...

...That's why it's so hot...

…...That's why it's so good.

I feel Souka stop her actions for a moment, and her hands reach for the front of my dress. As if she had known it was there all along, she quickly finds the clasp and the zipper, and loosens them.

"Lift your butt up for a sec, Tohno." Her simple command.

My hips oblige even as I'm processing her words. It's... it's almost like my body has a mind of its own right now, and could not care less what my mind would command it to do.

I cannot help but look down, my breathing quick and sharp, as I see her pull off my dress, and my underwear all at once.

My black pubic hair, coated lightly in fluids.

…...My clitoris, erect, sticking out slightly, twitching with the pulse of my racing heart...

"There we go. I didn't want to keep you waiting too long. Unless you're into that sort of thing, heh..." She says something I don't quite understand as she unceremoniously tosses my lower clothing to the ground... and then all I can do is watch as I see her lips part, and her tongue lick my swollen nub.

I gasp sharply and feel my eyes widen. Without realizing it, my hands reach for her head and hold on tightly.

Incredulously, I look at her, as she licks at my most private place with her tongue. Each lick, sending a tongue of fire throughout my body. Each lick, making my hands grip her head a little more tightly. Every once in awhile she looks up at me, and simply smiles as she licks, making each one feel even more hot still.

Before long, I feel a warm trickle of fluid flowing. But I know it isn't Souka's saliva...

…...Instinctively, I know it's fluid from my vagina. Fluids that say I'm ready for sex.

Fluids that are coming out because of the tongue of Tsukihime Souka, licking on a small, sensitive bump of flesh.

The body doesn't know that Souka is female. My body doesn't even care about Souka's gender right now, at all. All it knows is that someone is licking a place that is designed for reproduction, and so it's... responding as it should. It is preparing me for sex.

But... the only things Souka can penetrate me with are her fingers. Logically, then, the fluids are nothing but waste...

…...Or something for her to lick up and clean.

…...…Does she enjoy the taste of them? Does it please her, for some reason...?

I feel the warm fluids slowly drooling out of me. With her rougher licks, I can feel my vagina convulse in reaction, and that causes the fluid amount coming out to increase.

Slowly, I can feel it coat more and more places. The perineum, the fold of skin that separates the vagina from the anus.

...Eventually, it coats the anus itself, causing me to shiver at the sensation of liquid warmth there.

Before long, I can feel it having mostly collected in a small puddle on the ground, running down the split that forms the buttocks, coating them a bit itself. It's around this time that Souka stops looking, and with a devilish grin... her tongue begins to lap at those fluids.

But... not from the source... she's cleaning up what's drooled down...

"Khhhhnnnn...! N-No, Souka, those places are definitely...!"

My throat is cut off by another lick that turned what would have been my last word into a strange, indescribable high-pitched cry.

The vagina and clitoris is bad enough... but now, Souka is licking the perineum... and my gluteal cleft...

…...and the other hole that's even dirtier than the first one.

D... Doesn't she know she can get sick?ǃ Th, that's where bodily waste…...!

But Souka doesn't stop. Instead... that just seems to encourage her. I hear her moan from deep in her throat, and now with my dress gone, I can see one of her arms moving steadily as the other rubs on my legs, my stomach, my pubic mound, sending shivers up my spine.

My eyes trace the arm. It... leads into Souka's clothing...

…...She's... touching herself even as she tastes me in that way...?

W...Why? Why would she do that now, of all times, licking up waste fluids my body is producing...?

…...…Why am I looking at that place so intently...?

...This... excites me... but why...? I feel the heat in my body... it's so intense now it feels like I'm burning, but seeing that... made it hotter still...

I... I don't understand...

What she's doing... how I'm feeling... this is all so different and altered from my usual state of mind that I don't understand a single reason why she's doing these things... or why I'm responding how I am...

What little of my strength is left begins to melt away, the heat being produced from within draining the reserves of energy from my muscles. I settle more fully on the ground, my head, once more laying fully back. My eyes, staring up, as air exits my lungs just as quickly as it enters them.

A blue sky overhead.

Clouds, slowly moving.

The only witnesses able to see just what Tsukihime Souka is doing to Tohno Akiha right now.

Whether they are witnesses to damn me, or mere observers, I don't know...

...But... I don't care, either...

I don't care who else sees it right now... Hisui, Len, Kohaku, Yumizuka-san, Nii-san... this feels too good for me to want to stop them from seeing me like this...

...No, I'd... want them to join in if they wished to…...

My whole body... it feels so hot... I haven't felt this hot in a long time...

I forgot how good it felt...

I feel some drool flow out of the corner of my mouth as I gasp hotly for air that refuses to stay in my lungs. My body feels too good to even care right now, and my arms would just ignore my mind's will if I tried to wipe it anyway...

My legs, spread wide open. Being massaged and lightly squeezed by the spare hand of Tsukihime Souka. Stroking the inner thighs, my stomach, and my buttocks, giving light squeezes and massages, causing my hips to push into that intense stimulation even more...

…...And as good as this feels, it's nothing compared to the sensation that just shot through me like a bullet.

A sensation so sharp, I couldn't help but audibly cry out and grind my hips hard into Souka's face.

The sensation... was of something warm, and soft, and moist closing around my clitoris.

And then... a sucking.

My eyes go wide from it, and my whole body shudders violently. Another strange noise comes from my throat... one that I can't possibly describe except as the sound of some kind of animalistic encouragement.

Gasping, panting, moaning, and various sounds that can't be described come from my throat, as the warmth continues to suck on my clitoris, like a baby attempting to breastfeed. But her body seems to know what they are. It rewards mine with reinforcement by various licks, kisses, and sucks... which causes more of the noises come out.

A vicious cycle.

I feel her lips rub, and squeeze, and suck... and occasionally, I feel her tongue rub on the tip of my clitoris, or tracing along the folds of my labia, or take whatever aborted breathing I have away by quickly slipping her tongue inside. Each and every one of these things sends blasts of lightning, of pure electric heat, through my body.

…...It's not fair.

It's not fair for something this wrong to feel this good. It's temptation. It's everything that something like this shouldn't be.

It's not messy or dirty – Souka's tongue is taking care of that. Most of the mess... she's licking up. Not caring about the taste, or the stickiness, or the fact that it's coming from my genitals...

Not caring at all. Accepting it completely. And in the process, touching me, stroking me, massaging me. Making me feel warmer, and warmer, encouraging me to simply let her take care of everything, and just to enjoy the intense heat that it's generating...

The heat that makes it feel so, so good...

It shouldn't feel this good. If I knew it felt this good, I might've done this years ago...

I thought only a male could make it feel good... th, that's what Otou-sama said, about sex needing a male.

If... If she were a boy... and Souka was doing this to me...

I can feel my vagina throbbing, and for some reason, a sense of emptiness, especially after Souka withdraws her tongue. Is that normal...?

But... Souka is making my body feel hotter than it ever has...

Everywhere her hands move, every place her lips touch, every time she licks somewhere... I feel my body craving more, and more, and more of it. It doesn't stop. It just wants more.

More. More. More. Like a madman, only able to repeat one word, or one desire. That is all my body wants, is more of this. And it doesn't want it to stop. Ever...

It wants it so bad that if she goes too long ignoring it, a piteous-sounding moan comes out of my throat, and my hips attempt to non-verbally communicate the need for her to touch and lick there, by rubbing against her in some desperate attempt to stimulate those spots, to push more into her face the parts that it wants to be touched. Smirking heavily at these reactions, she obliges, and heat floods into me when she does.

…...Heat. It's so hot. I feel it radiating out of me. My body, which should be able to hold all this excessive heat, no longer can. It feels like it's pouring out, from everywhere. From every pore in my skin, from every opening in my body...

But... especially from my head... and my chest... and…... from down there…...

This shirt is uncomfortable. I want to take it off. My hands reach for it, but they can't maneuver the buttons. I settle instead for trying to fan at least my face with my hands. It's mostly futile.

My stockings... they're making my legs uncomfortably warm. I want to take them off, too...

My bra... I've never wanted to not wear a bra in my life, ever since puberty began and I realized I needed to begin to wear them... but right now, I want even that off.

…...I want to be fully naked, because that is the only way this furnace that has been turned on by Souka's touch will cool to some kind of comfortable temperature.

I feel like... I feel like I'm burning. Burning, and melting, and boiling, all at once, somehow...

All from the hands, and fingers, and lips, and tongue of Tsukihime Souka. The way they move, the places they rub, and pinch, and taste... it's all a sign that she's done this before. That I'm not the first person she's been this way with.

She has to have done this before with someone. But who...? Who would she share that experience with? Who was her first? She had to have had a first person to do this with, right...?

Could... could she have done this with our other friends...?

Without warning, a vision of Hanei enters my mind. Much the same way I am now. Naked. Sweating. Gasping for air, her large breasts heaving up and down as her lungs fight to keep air inside. Her genitals, exposed for all to see as they're being licked at by Souka. Crying out various noises, and mumbling words like "Sou-chan" over and over and over…...

…..N-No, Hanei is too pure and sweet for that. Th, that's defiling her... get out of my mind!

…...…The only other logical choice would be Seo Akira. Small, girlish Seo Akira, she of the identical-sized chest and yet a girl's figure, not a woman's. But she would be different... she would be more active in this, I would think, pushing her hips into Souka's face and fingers and–

...G-God, why am I thinking these?ǃ That's wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!

My friends... well, Hanei and Seo... okay, maybe only Hanei... but I know Hanei is definitely not into girls! Seo says she isn't either, but that doujinshi...

…...She may say those things, but... what if she really does want them and is too embarrassed to admit it...?

Another sharp lick shatters those thoughts out of my head entirely, almost as if it's calling my attention back down to what's going on. With a gasp of surprise, I look down at Souka.

Her hoodie's open. She wears no bra underneath... exposing breasts that are smaller than even my own. The nipples, slightly puffy looking, stick out like eraser tips on pencils.

...Her pants are down around her thighs. I can see a dampened spot in her underwear, as if she'd soiled herself.

…...Her pubic mound, covered in blue pubic hair. And two fingers of her hand rubbing the pink flesh that looks swollen, smearing the fluids all over her own groin, sticking to her fingers thickly...

She doesn't seem to even notice that I'm looking. Her own eyes are closed, her face is fully flushed, and she's rubbing herself, her flesh making light, moist, sticking noises and the odors of her act slowly drifting over to my nose, like some kind of invitation.

…...…Why?

Why does seeing her in this way make me feel even hotter…...?

It, It's not like I haven't seen Souka's body before on accident. I didn't look at it, but for some reason, I can't pull my eyes away from it...

All I can do is watch as what she's doing has made even her body change.

No... not just her body... her mind as well.

For some reason, all of what she's doing has made her more... animal. The movements aren't as careful. The rubbing, not as kind.

It's more of a dominance thing, right now...

My nose won't stop inhaling the fragrance that's being emitted... a mix of Gardenia, and sweat, and what must be the odors from... inside her body...

…...Why do I want to see that...? What she looks like inside...?

Th, that's disgusting... there's no reason to want something like that, ever... but it's what I want... for a reason I can't explain...

My eyes close, and the image enters my mind as if it was meant to. A slightly smirking Souka, relaxed in a chair, fingers spreading her labia wide, almost inviting me to come in and do absolutely whatever I wished. To smell it. To lick it...

…..Why... why do I want this...?

Seeing her like this, though... seeing how she looks... how she smells... in this state...

…...For some reason, this creates a massive change in my body. I can feel it. An uncomfortable feeling.

A feeling that... that I need to release.

But... with her mouth right there... that...

"...S-Souka... please... stop... I... I need to..." With great difficulty, I can control my mouth, and manage to get words out.

She stops for a moment, her cheeks flushed, her breath as quick as mine and her voice slightly raspier than usual. "Need to what, Tohno? Cum? Go ahead. I gotcha." And she resumes immediately.

"NNNGH! N-No, Souka! I, I need... to urinate... so... please...!" If I do so on her... that will be so embarrassing I'll die...

"Nah. You need to cum. Go ahead." And just as quickly, she resumes once more.

"S-Souka!" I try to tell her, but instead of finishing, my mind's thoughts are severed completely, by yet another new sensation.

It... it feels like Souka has... curled her tongue, and...

...This feeling...

...This feeling...

...This feeling...

...This feeling...

...This feeling...

...This feeling... that... I'm dying...

I feel a massive, intense surge of heat suddenly blast throughout my entire body.

A strange, high cry is the only noise my voice can make. My last...

My hands involuntarily push Souka into my body... into my anatomy... as hard as they possibly can. A death grip...

My hips slam into her face. They will not remove themselves. They seek to fuse with it...

And then... just like that...

…...Tohno Akiha dies, as her body goes into a spasm of death. Just like a corpse, it stiffens and then twitches and jerks randomly as the fluids of life pour out...

I lose sense of everything. Of touch. Of time. Of reality.

It feels like my soul is ripping free from my body, and it eventually manages to wrench itself free.

"**GOOD GIRL!****‼** Didn't that feel **GREAT**, Tohno?" ...Her voice, so distant...

Along with the feeling of wetness and life flowing out of my body, and the faint sensations of something licking it up...

…...It's the last thing I'll ever feel and see... all goes bright.

...Goodbye... and... sorry, Nii-san…...…

* * *

...

* * *

Next Week (1/9/11) – Chapter 32: "An Existence, Evergreen"


	32. An Existence, Evergreen

Chapter 32: "An Existence, Evergreen"  
Saturday, November 2, 2002

* * *

…...…...

…...Consciousness…...?

I try to open my eyes. They open, and I am looking up at the tester of my bed.

I sit up and look at myself. At my arms. At my hands.

…...I am definitely alive.

It... it felt like my soul had ripped free from my body. So how can I be...?

I sit up. I am definitely in my room, as if I had laid down in here perfectly normally.

...But, I know I did not fall asleep in here. No...

...My memory returns to me. Talking with Souka. Drinking the tea with Souka.

…...Doing "that" with Souka...

I cannot help but blush furiously.

I cannot believe that she did that. More importantly, I cannot believe that after awhile, I no longer cared that she was because I... enjoyed it...

…...That should not have been something I enjoyed. Souka and I are both female, so why did I...?

…...Why did I let her? Why did I never want to stop Souka, once that began to feel so... pleasant?

My mind wanted to say no, but my body kept screaming yes. This maddening feeling, this desire of mine to want her to keep doing that to me... it simply overruled my mind and my reason.

"Souka?" I look around once more.

Tsukihime Souka is not in my room, but I hear footsteps approaching my door, which opens a few moments later. Kohaku steps inside.

"Ah. You are awake, Akiha-sama. You seem to have rested quite soundly." She says this with a bow and a slight smile.

"...Kohaku, where is Souka?" The question comes out of my mouth almost immediately.

"Ah, Souka-san left yesterday, Akiha-sama," Kohaku says. "She asked me to apologize for her, since she could not stay to greet you when you woke up."

"...Left... yesterday...?" I blink, confused. I... I could not have possibly slept the whole day away...

"Yes. It is Saturday, Akiha-sama," Kohaku confirms with a nod. "It seems your body caught up for the lack of sleep it has received lately."

…...No it is not...

"It... It is Friday, Kohaku... is it not...?" Well, that is a silly question, Kohaku always comes on Fridays...

"Akiha-sama slept through a good deal of Friday. I must say, though, she looked like she was having the deepest, most restful sleep she has had in years." Kohaku smiles slightly.

…...Wait a minute... I remember seeing her...

"…...Kohaku... what did you do yesterday?ǃ" I feel my fists clench my blankets as anger overtakes me. "You clearly did something to my drink, or you would not have stuck around!"

"I did nothing, Akiha-sama. I just set the stage for a little romance." She giggles slightly.

"This was not romance! This was rape, Kohaku! Souka... raped me!" ...Somehow...

"Oh? Were you thinking that as it progressed, Akiha-sama?" The cheshire cat simply smiles.

"...Ah..." …...…well... no... after awhile, I was not able to think of much but how intense it felt, and how hot my body was...

"There's no need to be shy about it, Akiha-sama." Kohaku giggles slightly as she sets down some tea. "I'll confess to spiking your tea... but whatever Souka-san did, she did that of her own free will. I just had a bit of a... hunch, shall we say?" She says this calmly, as if such a thing is a regular, everyday occurrence.

I glare at her, silently. I am... not too sure what to think of this, honestly. Well, if she drugged me, then it is no surprise as to why I had no strength, but...

…...If she did that, does that mean Kohaku wants me to find someone to love?

Why would she want that? She cleans and cooks, and looks for my well-being, yes, but things such as personal relationships are, generally speaking, outside of Kohaku's domain.

…...So why would she care about me having someone?

If she wanted me to have someone, would she not prefer that I have a male, instead of a female?

"...Koha–"

…...She already snuck away as I was collecting my thoughts.

I sigh and lay back in my bed, thinking over what happened.

…...It still seems so absurd to think that... that Souka could do that. To me. To me, of all people...

Why would she want to do that with me? Why would she not prefer someone else? What is so special about me that she would wish to do those sorts of things to me...?

We really have nothing in common at all. Our personalities may as well be polar opposites. I would prefer to lead; Souka would prefer to blend in with the crowd. While I am confrontational, Souka is the type to whom the statement "Live and let live" would apply quite well.

...And yet.

"…...Was it not someone famous who once said 'opposites attract?'" Tohno Akiha speaks in soliloquy.

I... I remember saying that yesterday. Right before Souka had made her move.

Of course. That could be a reason Souka likes me. Because we are so different from the other. Maybe in me, she sees more assertiveness and authority, and in her, I see more relaxation and mellowness...?

But, there is one place where Souka and I are very alike, and that is in terms of body, really. I figure if she were into females, that she would have picked somebody more shapely.

…...Someone like Hanei.

Attractive, always smiling, well-proportioned, ever-approachable Hanei, the sort of girl who will chip in with her whole heart to help you. Not the plain, expressionless, flat-chested, standoffish Tohno Akiha, whom is so perpetually busy with a myriad of different things that it is almost pointless to ask her to help out.

And yet...

"…...Why me...?"

I do not understand. I do not understand a thing, really. Trying to analyze her actions... it just does not make sense to me.

I see no reason that Tsukihime Souka would have to have ever done that. And yet...

…...She did. To me. With me. Literally holding parts of me in her hand, her lips on my skin, and her fingers... inside...

...Thinking about it causes a heat to rise to my cheeks.

If what Kohaku says is true, then Souka did that of her own free will, and Kohaku simply made it easier for her to do. It is fully possible Souka does not even know my tea was drugged, and as she claimed, she simply "made things easier." I am not sure if I believe her or not... but what has happened, has happened.

The good feeling in my crotch is verification of that.

…...I sigh in displeasure. This would be so much easier, if she were still here. I would have the answers I seek.

But... if it is Saturday... and I see no reason for Kohaku to lie about such a thing... then I will not see Souka until Monday. Saturdays she is often at her family's temple and preoccupied with tasks there, and Sunday is usually when she goes to her concerts and she is almost always gone for nearly the entire day.

I throw the covers off of my body, and look. I have been re-dressed. Likely by Kohaku in my sleep. It is as if I had simply laid down to nap for an hour or two, and thus never bothered to change out of my usual clothing.

…...But, if that was the case, I must have been in a very, very deep sleep, for me to not even notice I was being re-dressed. A sleep so deep I did not even stir.

...Did... Kohaku look down there while I was asleep?

…...Why am I thinking about that?ǃ Stop it, Akiha! That is not you! This... this was just a random occurrence. A freak random occurrence. Just because you did such a thing once does not mean you like it. You were drugged, and it was rape! Well... possibly rape! …...Maybe…...

…...But then why did I think about Kohaku taking advantage of my profound unconsciousness? Examining calmly, with a slight smile...?

...More importantly, why did my body heat up slightly at the thought?

I, It is not as if Kohaku has not seen there before... there have been times where we have bathed together, and there have been times where I was so ill that I could not leave bed, not even to use the bathroom, and so she would calmly clean and change me, even as my cheeks burned with heat.

...It is because of the fact that now I am associating it with these carnal acts, is it not...?

…...…Could I actually... like that? Even though it is wrong? Even though it is filthy, and disgusting, and absolutely humiliating to allow someone else to see between my legs... is it something that I should like and encourage in the hopes of having an experience like yesterday's once more...?

"…...Why should I like that?" I once more ask nobody in particular.

…...A relationship is supposed to be between a male and a female. That is why there are the opposite sexes, because humanity has developed not as asexual, or hermaphroditic. Rather, it takes two genders – male and female – to create a life. Through millions of years of evolution, this simple fact has remained.

...And yet.

The relationship I just had with Tsukihime Souka was not such a relationship. It was a female with another female. From a biological and evolutionary standpoint, such a relationship is completely pointless. A female cannot ever impregnate another female, just as a male can never give birth.

…...Yet my body was hearing none of that yesterday.

All it knew was it was being touched, and sucked, and rubbed, and... inserted into, and it craved more. More. More. It did not care Souka was a girl, it just wanted her to keep doing all of these things and to never stop until... that thing happened. "Coming," as Souka seemed to call it.

Is... that what a climax must feel like?

According to Otou-sama, the man must climax to impregnate the female, but if the female does such a thing, it serves no purpose, and there is no logistical reason for a female to be able to have such a thing.

…...But it was one of the most intense things I have ever felt in my life. More than killing "him." More than nearly killing Nii-san. My heart was racing rapidly in my chest both of those times, but when Souka was doing those sorts of things... I have never felt more alive in my life than I did then.

Surely, I am not the only woman in history who has ever found herself at this sort of phase. A phase of confusion. A crisis of self-identity.

Torn between wondering not just whether it was right or wrong to do that, but... torn between if I actually want and desire that now.

I will admit... it... felt weird at first, but... after a few minutes, I no longer cared that Souka was even doing it. My body felt so strange, and altered, and I thirsted for it more and more with every touch, every rub, every taste of my skin that she did.

My body did not know it was a girl, so it desired penetration. A desire spurred on by Souka's fingers. It wanted more than that. Something longer, and thicker, and...

…...It is embarrassing to admit that Souka brought me to such a state. At the same time... I suppose it would be pointless to hide it, as well.

To feel that hot. To not be able to think clearly, your mind only being able to focus on the searing, intense sensation that a person sucking, or rubbing, or licking just small pieces of one's skin can provide.

It was blinding. It was paralyzing. By the time my mind was able to begin comprehending the situation I was in, another sharp blast would shoot through my body, and before long, it was as if breathing was the only reliable thing my brain could control... and even then, they had extreme difficulty in keeping air in my lungs. It would enter in sharp, hot gasps, and exit through moans and sighs and the occasional grunt.

All of that from someone rubbing and licking a clitoris.

…...I have never experienced anything like those moments in my life before.

A virgin. Because I was raised with the idea that a relationship is between man and woman, and that, as head of the Tohno, I should strive to make myself as pure, and marry as high-class a person as possible...

That is what Otou-sama would have wanted. But Tohno Akiha is no longer a child. No. She can make her own decisions, judge her own rules, and police herself. That is why the only male I will ever have is Nii-san, but...

…...…Is it okay if it is not a male? Could I be just as happy... maybe even happier... with someone like Tsukihime Souka at my side…...?

I am... lost within myself. I... I still want Nii-san, if I could have him, but... could I have a female, too?

Could I wind up having a female if I cannot find a male to fill Nii-san's role in my life as someone to love me?

Just like any other person, I have needs. The need to love and be loved is an almost fundamental one to a human being. As humans are, by nature, social creatures, it is important to them that they not only love, but also feel loved. To not feel loved is to ensure a slow, lonely death. How a true demon like Kishima Kouma can live a simple life as he does, a hermit away from society, purely boggles my mind... but, well, if it works for him, it is certainly one less person I have to worry about cleaning up the mess of.

Nii-san, however, cannot meet my needs. He seems to love Kohaku, and I would not dare to get in the way of such a relationship, given that it can be... deleterious to my health, shall we say. Therefore...

...Well, if I try to do that, then who? The only real females in my life are Souka, Seo, Hanei, Hisui, Kohaku, and Yumizuka-san.

...It cannot be Kohaku. That would be... awkward. Besides that, she has been abused enough, and I am quite sure her mind has a very twisted idea of sexuality. It is why she seemed to be perfectly fine with drugging my tea so that Souka would have a much higher chance of success, even if Souka, herself, did not know my tea was drugged. Perhaps it was for the best, though...

Hisui would also be out. I do not really foresee her even having a social life even after she regains more of her emotional self. Without that, it will be very difficult to find a partner, as she will have to find ways to help establish herself; however, Kohaku can almost certainly help her comes to terms with that.

Yumizuka-san... is, well, thankful to me for all that I have done for her, I am sure. At the same time, I am not protecting her just to look at her in that way... and for that matter, I do not know what her actual feelings on a girl-with-girl relationship would be. It would be difficult, I am quite sure, for her to see me in that way... though I do admit that from what little of Yumizuka-san's body I have seen, I wish I had a figure like hers.

...Then, that leaves Souka, Seo, and Hanei.

Seo... is out of the question. Too hyper. Too young. Cute and charming, but she would drive me up the wall with her antics, and her common _faux pas_ of choosing the wrong words. There is also the simple fact that the girl is also uncomfortably close to Nii-san... and, well, the last thing I want to have to be doing is buying birth control for my kouhai, as it will anger me even more if people begin to assume that I am the one who needs it.

...Hanei... I am unsure. I am glad she dreams of things like sexual encounters, but... Hanei is probably about as sexually experienced as I am. …...Well, before yesterday, anyway. She is simply too pure and too sweet to be anything but a virgin, and it would quite surprise me if I found out she had sex... and naturally, I would want to hope whomever she mentioned, I could dig up some information on. Hanei is simply too kind for me to stand by and watch as people tinker with her, taking advantage of her kind, sweet, gentle nature, to try to be carnal with her, to use her as a vessel for their own pleasure. Unacceptable. I will not allow it.

…...Souka... I really do not know what she wants. I do not know why she did it. I do not know how long she planned it. I do not know why she chose me to do it to, of all people. I do not know why it ultimately all boiled down for me. These are the questions I want the answers to the most right now, and they will be denied to me for another few days.

I sigh, frustrated. Once again, Tohno Akiha has to wait for her answers... and she is very impatient when she seeks them.

I dislike waiting. I am impatient when I want to know something, and I will seek the way to find the answers.

...But I know the answers right now lie with Tsukihime Souka, who would, naturally, be very difficult to find on the weekends. There is no way to get a hold of her, save an absolute emergency telephone number... and obviously, calling someone up to ask them "Why did you have sex with me?" is a rather silly thing to do.

Knowing her, she probably has some simple, quick, and obvious answer that I have completely overlooked. It is rare, but it is possible. I am usually quite thorough in my work, but that is not to say that a mistake or two cannot slip in. Tohno Akiha is, after all, human, and the simple, fundamental fact is that humans occasionally mess up on things such as calculating. Overlooking something like this, while unlikely, is certainly possible.

I get out of bed, and walk out to the patio. The chars are just as they were. Everything is in place. Completely cleaned, set up as always.

One would never know what happened here yesterday, if they looked. All is as it should be. The chairs are in position, the table is back to where it was... everything is intact as I generally leave it.

…...There is no hint that yesterday, on that very patch of floor, Tohno Akiha was introduced to the world of girl-with-girl love by Tsukihime Souka.

My mind flashes back. Souka, in between my legs. Touching. Kissing. Feeling. Tasting, as my hands clutched her head, and animal noises of satisfaction expelled themselves from my throat...

...And I... I could hardly stand it. My whole body felt like it was roasting. I could not breathe. I could not think. I could feel fluids pouring out of me, both from between my legs, and from my mouth, and I was beyond caring about how... inelegant and unladylike it must have looked. As it continued, I no longer even cared about being seen in such an embarrassing, humiliating, and shameful way – and if they were male, I know my body would have presented itself to them. To want the animal desire of being filled in the vagina, to want them to mark me, to make me theirs...

But before I knew it... It felt like it was all over so suddenly... like mere seconds had passed before my body could not take the sharp, piercing heat of the lightning bolt that seemed to fire directly into my brain from my groin, with every kiss and lick that Souka took.

And, when the time came for me to "come" as she called it…... I thought I was dying. It felt like death, I would guess. I would not know... Nii-san would, but... I would not dare to ask him of such a thing right now. If I did, he would likely ask why, and I do not want him thinking less of me just because I shared one moment of sexual contact with another girl. I want him to think that I am his, and I will gladly be his wife, his lover, and his eternal companion, in this life and the next.

...It was sharp and intense near the end. It blinded my senses. My body responded on its own, without me willing it. Hips surged. Cries of desire emitted. Hands pulled on hair. Toes curled inside my shoes...

…...Is that why it is such a powerful thing that people would break apart families? Simply for the sake of carnal, physical pleasure? The desire to want to feel that with something new is something that is new, and different, and thus the male feels a natural desire to want to have sex with her, too...?

...I do not think I will ever understand that. I... I would love those sorts of sensations, but not to the point I would lose someone over them. That is why I will not consider Hisui or Kohaku if I did wind up liking a female. It would complicate things, it would remind Kohaku of some very bad memories, and Hisui... does not even take to opposite-sex relationships very well, much less girl-with-girl. And, of course... it would be awkward.

...I am thankful, at least, that there are no neighbors or places around the mansion that could have witnessed what took place here yesterday.

...Well, there was one.

The only witnesses... were the clouds.

I look up. They still float in the sky. Large, white balls of cotton over my head, looking down at me as I look back up at them. As if I could reach out, and grab them, and use them to dab the sweat that has formed on my brow as I try to make this decision.

A blue sky. Blue, a color associated with sadness, but also with hope and optimism.

...It would be truly surprising if colors could not adequately express emotions and ideas.

...Perhaps, it is a signal. A message.

Perhaps the heavens themselves are saying to not be afraid of the future, but to face it. To embrace it, with arms wide open. To not be afraid of the things that it may be, and to simply take a chance on it. To hope for, and wish for, the very best. For if humans were unwilling to take risks, then our world would be a much more dull and colorless place.

Then... I think I shall. I still have questions, yes. Lots of them. Lots that shall not be answered for a day or two, at least. I still do not know if I am making the right choice or not. However, I have decided that I can definitely agree on at least one aspect of this all.

"…...I will keep an open mind on it, at least."

As if signifying its approval, the wind blows through my hair, in an embrace.

* * *

...I am not sure why she did it. I just know that... she did.  
And... I know that even though it was Souka... I liked how that felt...  
...Maybe there are choices other than Nii-san...

* * *

Next Week (1/16/11) – Chapter 33: "A Reflection of Clarity"


	33. A Reflection of Clarity

Chapter 33: "A Reflection of Clarity"

* * *

"Akiha-sama, lunch is served," a voice calls out as it comes from my room.

I turn towards my patio door. Kohaku smiles as she brings a tray of food towards the table out here.

"Thank you, Kohaku. Is Nii-san well?" I ask her.

"Shiki-san's recovering nicely, Akiha-sama," she informs me. "Yesterday he was up and walking around, and requested to see you."

...I sigh sadly. I was unconscious. A profound unconsciousness brought about by the events that happened. I... did not intend to fall asleep as I did, but when that happened, it must have been some sort of of strange, primal instinct that told me that I would be protected in my vulnerable state.

"...Did you bring him into my room, Kohaku?" I ask. If... If Nii-san saw me in that state, I would be so embarrassed that I think I would die...

"Yes. And he stayed for awhile because he said you looked the happiest he's seen you in awhile." she bluntly replies.

Gah, Kohaku! How could youǃ? Y, You know that Souka was–

...Wait...

…...Happy? From... that?

That makes little sense. Why would I be happy from such a carnal thing? Especially in my sleep...?

Happiness is something one feels consciously, not unconsciously. It requires that the person who is to feel happiness actually appreciate whatever it is that will be bringing them happiness.

...So how can I feel happiness from something even though I was not awake?

I do not understand. Then again... I do not fully understand much of what had happened yesterday. I only know how intense it felt during the experience... and how it seemed that my body so completely overruled my mind during that period.

...This is perhaps one of those things that one understands with experience, which I admittedly lack. Perhaps, then, the best thing to do is to simply wait it out... and ask Souka.

…...On Monday. Too long...

"...I see," I finally tell Kohaku. "He is resting, I assume?"

"Yes. He knew you would be displeased with him if he were moving too much, so he said he would mostly rest and recover from his injuries. Shall I wake him for you, Akiha-sama?"

...Well, Nii-san's recovery is certainly important. He cannot simply activate his other side to heal, for his other side is just as human as the side he usually displays. Nii-san's abilities are untold centuries of skill, passed down through genetics. They are not the product of human and demon blood mixing in unpredictable ways, such as my abilities are, or "his."

Therefore, the best Nii-san can heal is approximately as fast as a normal human can, towards the higher end of natural human recovery.

"…...No, that won't be necessary, Kohaku. Nii-san should rest. For now, please return to your duties."

"Very well, Akiha-sama." With a slight bow, she walks away from the Patio.

…...A thought suddenly crosses my head.

"…...Kohaku."

"...Eh? Yes, Akiha-sama?" She turns back to me.

"...Is Nii-san important to you?"

She blinks, a little bit surprised by my question. I do not blame her. I am a bit surprised by it myself, honestly. I am not sure what caused me to ask it. It came over me, like an impulse, and came out before I fully realized it.

"Of course he is, Akiha-sama," comes the reply with a smile and a slight nod of her head.

"…...Important enough that you would give your life for him if you could?" comes the second part of my question.

Kohaku's smile fades. It is a strange look on her face.

Surely what must be going through her head right now is her conflicted feelings that Nii-san was once a pawn in her game, and now she and him are lovers, and the inconsistencies that must bring about. That which she was going to use as a pawn in her own game, is now the one she loves more than anyone... supposedly.

But does she really?

To truly love someone, I think, you have to be willing to give your life for them. You have to be able to sacrifice yourself, so that they may live, if you think they will do a better job of surviving and making something of their lives than you could.

...That is why the boy dashed in front of Tohno Akiha, nine years ago. Because he thought the girl would be happier than he would be, if she were killed.

…...That is why Tohno Akiha would do anything for him. Anything at all. Even die for him. After all... she would have died years ago if it were not for him.

Would it not simply be a debt repaid?

"…...Yes, he is, Akiha-sama." Her answer is firm and clear, though, and the look on her face is one of complete honesty and seriousness.

A sort of seriousness that confirms that the woman before me is dedicated to him.

A sort of seriousness that indicates that her feelings for him are quite genuine, and not the loose feelings of a puppet, held up by strings.

"…...Very well. That is all I wanted to know, Kohaku." I inform her.

"...Then, if you will excuse me, Akiha-sama." She once more bows and departs, this time unhindered by my voice calling her back.

I lean back in my chair on the patio and sigh.

…...So she does love him.

Kohaku is a very good liar, but I can tell when she is lying, or when she is pretending to like something and in reality dislikes it.

The look on her face betrayed no sign that she had anything but genuine words or reactions just now.

"...The power of love." A soliloquy once more.

Love, perhaps the only emotion powerful enough that one is willing to die for those they cherish. Few other things can make even the most peaceful soul willing to not only fight, but kill. To protect their family, their few things that they actually have.

…...Is that why I do what I do? To try to maintain this family, as strange and unorthodox of a family as it is?

It is true that none of us in it are actually related by blood.

Indeed, if anything, this situation is highly unusual. The simple fact of the matter is that three people of those who hunt demons, live under the same roof as a half-demon.

But to me, and to them, our lineages don't seem to matter. We simply cherish each other for what we are. There is no talk of ancient grudges, of historical fights, of whether we could beat the other. The simple truth is that if I were actually serious, I could kill them all.

Kohaku would have no counters against my plundering. Neither would Hisui. Nii-san would be the most dangerous person, since not only can he see my caging hair, he can cut and kill it.

…...But killing Nii-san is the last thing I would want, or would ever think of doing.

I knew, ever since that day where I held his bleeding body, nine years ago as I cried, that I would die for him. First, I would save him, and then once he was better, I would die for him. I promised myself that.

And that is exactly what I did. Since I could not die in his stead, I killed half of myself, so that he could live.

It sounds strange, even to me. I wanted to reward the boy who would die for me with life. It makes no sense. It may have been the knee-jerk reaction of an eight year-old girl. But it was the reaction she had, feeling the sticky warmth covering her hands. Hands that wanted to close the wound on his chest, that futilely tried to stop the bleeding by pressing on the profusely bleeding opening.

They could not. So, Tohno Akiha died a little so that the boy who would become Tohno Shiki could live.

It remained true even through our years of separation. Because I knew that if I died, then all of my life energy would go to Nii-san. Tohno Akiha would be a memory, but Tohno Shiki would live on, and Tohno Akiha would live on inside of him, keeping him alive. Even in death, I would protect his life with mine, as strange as that sounds...

...I feel the tears welling into my eyes. I try my best to blink them away.

Love. Love is the only thing that could make one to do that willingly, with no remorse, no regrets.

Kohaku would die for Nii-san. She truly loves him then, just as I would, because I would sacrifice myself in an instant, even now. I would much rather take the fatal blow than see him die, because if he died before my eyes, then I...

…...I would become the very thing I hate. A monster. One whose mind would be set on one goal, and one goal alone – to destroy that which destroyed her, and made her into a monster. To kill those who killed Nii-san, and to eliminate any of their line.

…...I would not want to be a psychologist attempting to do a mental profile of myself. The truth of myself that I already know... that is frightening enough.

Who is Tohno Akiha? That is simple, now. So lucidly crystalline. It is so obvious, I wonder how I did not figure it out sooner.

Reason as my minor ego, and my opposite desire to be a murderer.

A coagulated, gloomy, melancholy thinking in the intelligence as my major ego.

An antinomian theorem of behaviorism, in all my thinkings.

That... is Tohno Akiha.

Two halves making one whole. One side struggling with another for dominance, but neither ever fully succeeding... because a little of the other piece is in the major halves, just like a tomoe.*

...Come to think of it, Nii-san's knife also has a tomoe.

Then... that is a fitting symbol for not just me, but for the Tohno in general. For like myself, Nii-san has his darker half. And, like myself, Nii-san can control his darker side. The difference was, that I could not until a year ago.

…...A year ago. When it all changed. When all our lives changed for the better.

When demon fought demon, and a third demon directed their macabre, two-man play. And the hero was not even a person, but a thing. A mere strip of cloth that saved the lives of all three. A truer application of a _deus ex machina_ ending, I have never seen.

What had happened after that, when sanity returned to us all... I will never forget that.

As we walked home, I rested Nii-san's injured body on mine, supporting him the whole way home by wrapping his arm around my neck and allowing him to lean on me for support, even though I was myself injured. Having come back to my senses, I did not care about my cuts on my legs and hands, or the blood, both his and mine, that soiled my blouse and dress and undergarments, or the pains, or the tears in my clothing, or the fact that I was going to hurt the next day and several days thereafter, or anything else that was injured on my body. I did not even feel them, to my recollection.

All I cared about was getting Nii-san home, safely.

Kohaku silently followed, like a child who knew she was in trouble, caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She did not say a word the whole way home, and when we all returned, she simply and wordlessly retired to bed.

Normally, I would have berated her. After all, what good is it to chastise a servant when they break a cup, but not when they attempt to kill you?

...But, berating her was the furthest thing from my mind.

All I cared about was getting Nii-san back to his bed. I laid him down in his bed, and endured the pain that throbbed everywhere in my body, until I could tell that he was asleep. When he finally was, I walked to my room and collapsed on my bed, face first, not caring that I was still in my normal clothes and boots, or that the blood would stain into my sheets and pillowcases.

Kohaku... for her, however she was feeling... somehow, I felt that was punishment enough. That was my last thought before my brain shut off. I think I was unconscious before my body fully settled.

Nii-san and I spent the whole next day sleeping. Not caring about what had happened, not thinking about how we would talk to each other, no dreams, for better or for worse... our minds and bodies needed absolute rest; they did not have any energy to spare to create a dream. I remember awakening, well into the next day, in the exact same position, my body having not moved an inch in the fifteen hours I slept.

And sure enough, the next time we saw each other, later in the day, it was just as always. He was late for dinner, and I made my displeasure known, and he looked uncomfortable enough for me to know he understood that.

And life went on.

It is rather stunning how quickly life returned to almost... normalcy. Once we healed, it would be almost absurd to think we had ever nearly fought to the death.

That is not to say, of course, that some things did not change because of this event, of course. The biggest difference was not in Nii-san or myself, but in Kohaku.

The next day, Kohaku did something she had rarely done to that point – she asked me a question. I was understandably surprised, but I answered the question, something about if I believed in redemption. I replied in the affirmative.

Over the next few days, she began to get more and more inquisitive. She asked things. She thought. Her emotion was no longer just a chiseled smile.

...She cried out in pain when she cut her finger preparing dinner a week later. It was then, as I sucked and licked it clean until it stopped bleeding, and she replied "You don't have to do that, Akiha-sama," instead of simply passively allowing me to suck on her finger, that I knew Kohaku was fully okay.

As Kohaku began to change for the better, so did Hisui. No longer as silent, or as submissive. While her changes have been more gradual compared to Kohaku's, there is no doubt that seeing Kohaku change has allowed Hisui to begin to change, herself. She asserted herself sometimes. She reacted with enthusiasm on the things I remember her enjoying. Once, in a slip of the tongue, she accidentally called Nii-san "Shiki-chan" just like she used to when we were all children, causing her to turn as red as a cherry, and giving both Kohaku and Nii-san a good laugh. Admittedly, I had to stifle my own laughter, lest I lose a servant from her dropping dead due to embarrassment.

Nii-san also changed, slightly. He realized that I was still very important to him. Perhaps not a lover, but the very next rung below that. Even with Nanaya Shiki fully in control of his mind... his hands could not will the knife down, because I was simply too important to this person, and there was enough of a human to overrule the killer. Had it been anyone else – even Hisui or Kohaku – I think it would have been very likely for Nii-san to bring down that knife, and end their lives.

But because it was me... he could not. He valued the girl too much to end her life. He valued her more than he valued the urge to kill. As a murderer, Tohno Shiki is a failure, pure and simple.

…...And me. Even in my state of mind, where I lusted to kill him as the ultimate challenge and punishment for him getting out of bed... I could not truly kill him either. Enough of the human side of Tohno Akiha remained to make the demon miss ever so slightly. That is why it attempted to take its – my – our, lives.

And that grand climax never came to be because at the last possible moment, the director of that twisted play called it off. It is why Tohno Shiki is still who he is, and not a murderer, stalking the night. It is probably why Hisui and Kohaku are still alive, as well.

It is why Tohno Akiha exists today.

...That is why she is trying her best to become a better person.

…...That is why she is... okay with Kohaku, and even Yumizuka-san, sharing love with Nii-san.

Because there are people in my life who love me like that and I have been too blind to realize it.

If Yumizuka-san is the one who was hopelessly wishing for Nii-san to love her... then, how long has Souka thought of me in that way?

We have been friends for a few years. Not the four or so that Yumizuka-san and Nii-san have known each other for, but definitely for around two, or two and a half years, I would say.

...Yes. That sounds about right. Seo did not come to our academy until the next year. She was still in the elementary school compound, at the time we met, around 1998.

Back then, I thought that Tsukihime Souka was, besides having an unusual last name, a definite slacker and an outcast. She seemed to have a bit of an attitude, and we shared a class. I sat in the third row, fourth seat, and likewise, she sat in the fourth row, fourth seat.

Even at that time, her conversation was just so... vulgar. Not in the perverted sense, but in the sense that she spoke her mind, and her mind was sometimes not the "right" response, as it were. Souka's blunt honesty has always been a part of her character, and I seriously doubt it is something that will be changing anytime soon.

It might as well have been a dragon fighting a tiger. I was polite, but she was just so... different that really there was nothing worth noting her for, much less liking her for. She proved she did not slack fairly quickly, but she was still the sort of person who looked like they would be more comfortable among the boys in the class, gossiping about which girl they would like to try to send love notes to, or undress with their eyes.

Thus, much to my surprise one day, she actually came up to me as I was eating my lunch, and she had the guts to ask if she could sit with me and have lunch at my table, with someone whom she did not have a particularly good or bad relationship with, for better or for worse.

I admired her courage. For that reason alone, I allowed her to sit at my table.

And so, what started purely as a one-day event, eventually progressed to the point that every day we ate lunch. I learned a little about her, and she learned some things about me.

More importantly, I slowly learned that her unusual manner of dress and unladylike manner were really her form of passive rebellion.

Born to a family who owned a shrine, she was expected to tend to it, and tend to their strict code of moral conduct – a code so strict that it still bothers her to recall it, even now, when we are close friends, and one that is supposedly even worse than my upbringing. I seriously doubt this, given that Souka has no idea of what exactly the Tohno are, but... there was more to it than that.

A part of me... found itself wishing I could be more like her. So self-confident, so assured of herself, so positive of her identity that she could wear such casual clothing and speak in such an "undignified" way perfectly, whereas I would not be able to.

Because until then... I never really knew who Tohno Akiha was.

Then, the next year... we found that we were both going to be sharing a dorm, and were both intrigued enough by the other that although we could have put in requests to change the arrangement, neither of us wished to. Not long thereafter, Misawa Hanei, the school idol, was slated in as our third roommate. The year after that, Seo Akira had finally joined and our little group was complete.

…...I cannot help but smile even though I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. It is bittersweet.

These girls accepted me as I was. They were probably the first people I found myself loving, even before I knew what love really was. A simple, pure, honest love that anyone has for their friends.

Why? That is simple.

As I said before, Nii-san would be the last person I would want to invert next to... but Souka, Seo, and Hanei are second. Because I would be afraid of killing them. Souka and Hanei have no special abilities that I know of. Seo has limited precognition, as I have learned since she began to be a part of our little group, but other than that, she is just as human as they are.

It was not a sexual love, but I still loved them. Sometimes I hated them, too, but that is also a part of love, is it not? To love something, you also have to hate it sometimes, right?

…...But in the end, Souka remained Souka through and through. Just as she had the guts to come to my table all those years ago... yesterday she had the guts to be sexual with me.

I really should have seen it coming. It is exactly the sort of thing she would do. Only Souka would ever pull such a thing.

…...For that matter, only Souka would really be able to get away with it.

I would have probably freaked out if Hanei suddenly jumped on me like that. If anything, Hanei is TOO naïve about her sexual capacity. And Seo... is still too young. Plus she probably knows I would thrash her good, for trying to turn our relationship into some ero-manga.

Still... that is what let Tohno Akiha grow, I think. She went from being alone in the world... to having friends... to having a lover, possibly. That is why I could not really see myself for who I was until now, in the end. I had ideas, but...

...Now, I know that love has things to do with it. To love someone, is to want to die for them if it comes down to it.

…...And, perhaps that is how Tsukihime Souka feels about Tohno Akiha.

But I will have to wait until Monday to find that out. Souka's schedule keeps her perpetually busy almost every Saturday, and it would be extremely rude to interrupt the one day she reserves to herself to let off all of her stress.

Still... Monday... It seems so far away...

With a sigh of harmony with both of Tohno Akiha's egos, I wipe my cheeks and eyes, and begin to eat my lunch. It would be a shame to let Kohaku's love for me go to waste by not eating these delicious sandwiches.

* * *

* Tomoe - A traditional form of Japanese symbol somewhat like a Taijitu (AKA a Yin-Yang symbol) but with possibly multiple whorls.

* * *

This is strange. I feel myself thinking thoughts I never cared to think of before.  
Loving someone... I'm not supposed to love someone. Otou-sama made that clear.  
But... I am not Otou-sama... I am Tohno Akiha. I... will decide that for myself.

* * *

Next Week (1/23/11) – Chapter 34: "Another New Me"


	34. Another New Me

Chapter 34: "Another New Me"

* * *

That afternoon, I knock on Nii-san's door. I desire to check on him, since I have not seen him – if Kohaku is correct – since Thursday, even though he has seen me.

"Yeah...?" His voice comes out. It sounds notably stronger than when I had last heard it.

"It is me, Nii-san," I reply.

"Akiha...? Uh, come in." He sounds a little surprised to see me.

I enter his room, and when I do, I look him over. He is sitting up in bed, reading a book. He has healed considerably since I last saw him. Not fully, but he looks to be in considerably less pain, and his smaller cuts have generally closed up. He is on less medication, with only a single, slow drip to ease his pain.

"Haven't seen you in a few days." He laughs a bit.

I blush slightly in embarrassment at his comment. "I... did not intend to sleep that long. I apologize, Nii-san."

"Nah, don't worry about it, Akiha." He smiles slightly as he readjusts his glasses. "What'd you do to make you so pooped, though? Usually you're pretty good on energy unless you've had a long day."

...So Kohaku was coy with exactly what happened. Clever. Well, I suppose I should have suspected that as soon as he did not immediately confront me with what had happened.

"Ah... well, it is just mental exhaustion," I lie. "And physical as well. I have not been getting the amount of sleep I am supposed to get."

"...The nightmares, huh." His face drops a little.

…...That is precisely the sort of look I was hoping would not show.

I... cannot tell him the real reason. Absolutely not. More than to anyone else, my self-image to Nii-san must be maintained, at all costs. So I will have to swallow this frown of his... even if it hurts me to do so.

"Well, Kohaku looked both a little relieved and a little worried when I had her bring me to you to check on you," he informs me. "She seemed a little... off."

"…...Oh? Please explain, Nii-san." I cross my arms across my chest as I await his answer.

"Well... she was a little hard to read, but she seemed both happy and nervous. I dunno why, really... maybe because she knows you hate sleeping for long periods of time or something," he says with a slight shrug of his shoulders.

...Well, that is true. I usually do not sleep for such extensive periods; certainly not most of the day. I am used to six hours a night, but I will sleep for eight on the rare occasion I have the luxury. But, between my nightmares, and what had happened yesterday... much of Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were merely a blur for me.

Seemingly, in a fingersnap, half of my week simply went by. And when I came to from that fingersnap... a new Tohno Akiha awaited. With new thoughts. New questions.

...Such as, did Kohaku love Nii-san and would die for him.

…...Does the opposite also apply?

"...Nii-san. You love Kohaku, yes?" I ask him.

"...? What's with that question all of a sudden, Akiha?" His eyes, gray under his glasses, square on me in an attempt to read my expression. I will not allow it.

I close my eyes and turn my face from him slightly to prevent him from being able to read my expression. "...I wish to know. Do you love her?" I ask him simply.

"…...Yeah, I do," comes his reply. He still does not know exactly why I am asking him this.

"...Enough to die for her?" I ask.

"Heh, well, me and death don't get along. You could say I have an aversion to it..." He tries to avoid the question.

"That does not answer my question, Nii-san!" I cross my arms.

"Okay, okay... yeah, I would." He looks a little nervous as he says it.

...Maybe it is because he knows I love him. All of him.

...Unconditionally. Even though I will not admit it.

"...Very well. That is all I wanted to know." I feel anger welling up from inside me. I love him, and he knows it, and yet he will love her anyway...

Then, it is settled. It seems they are content to be with one another, and I have lost. I stand up and begin to leave the room.

"H-Hey... Akiha..." he tries to stop me on his voice alone, since he cannot leave the bed.

"No, I am fine, Nii-san!" I leave the room, angered.

* * *

Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent.

A knock on my door. I ignore it. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent.

More knocking. Ignored. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Aki–

The knocking progresses to banging.

"WHAT?ǃ?" I whirl around towards the door.

"...Akiha-sama? Is everything okay?" Kohaku.

"Everything is fine, Kohaku. Go back to your duties." Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent.

She leaves. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohno Akiha. Assent. Tohn–

…...Where is the next request?

I look around. All that is left... is what is finished.

I... finished it all?

…...It seems I have. A foot-high stack of papers is in the finished pile, and as I look at them, I only now feel the cramp in my hand. I put my pen down with a hiss of pain, and press the thumb of my opposite hand in on the palm, slowly bending and flexing my fingers until the cramp works itself out.

...I guess being angry at Nii-san made me work out my anger by getting actual work done.

Then again, it also does not help that I actually sign the papers.

Traditionally, of course, Japanese families tend to use seals to sign documents. However, my family was certainly anything but the usual. Being a half-human, half-demon almost always means that you do things a little more... unorthodox. As our life is, so is the way we do things.

In Otou-sama's case, he raised me with western ideas and ways of thought. He valued independence and economics, as opposed to the more Japanese mindset of family and tradition. Part of this is the fact that, naturally, males of the main Tohno line never live past forty, and there are not even that many who live to thirty.

This also meant that he favored western ways of doing business. Instead of stamps and seals, he always signed his name, meticulously, with flourishes that made his signature difficult to reproduce or forge.

Thus, it is what I have learned to do as well. Security through obscurity, as it were. It is much harder to flawlessly forge a signature than it is to forge a stamp, after all, and given the Tohno's notable assets and things we control, this is but one way we have of helping ensure some levels of security right from the very start.

My mind now turns to other thoughts, with no more papers to sign.

I yelled at Nii-san. I did not quite mean to, but it is just that hearing that he loved her... it hurt...

...Why... did I really react that way to his words? Honestly?

I know that they fell for one another. They began to do so the night he and I nearly fought to the death. I have acknowledged and accepted their love for one another some time ago, so why...

...Why does it still hurt this badly for me to acknowledge it?

Why did it hurt more for him to say it, but not Kohaku?

Why am I getting jealous over such a thing?ǃ

Akiha, you idiot. You're still letting this silly thing get to you!

All this because you... you are too afraid to find someone else and so you keep futilely wishing for him to change his mind‼!

"…...…..."

…...…That... that's exactly it.

It has nothing to do with Nii-san, or Kohaku. It is because... Tohno Akiha is a coward.

She cannot be true to herself. She keeps wishing and hoping only for her desired outcome, and anything that would go contrary to that desired outcome is deleterious. So she refuses to consider it, or to accept even the utmost of realities, as they jeopardize her ideal world.

So... I keep wishing. And hoping. And desiring him, and only him... even though I cannot have him. Even though I will never have him... I try, and I try, and I try...

The very definition of insanity... trying something endlessly and expecting a different outcome.

Even though I know this, I try anyway. Like some sort of... machine. Like something that can do nothing but what it is programmed, hardwired, to do.

...It sounds like a certain other blue-haired woman that I know.

Even when faced with the inevitable futility of such a choice, I will not allow it to happen. I will reject that reality, and substitute my own.

...But I cannot do that forever.

The simple fact is that I cannot control anyone's hopes and dreams but my own. I cannot control Souka's, or Hanei's, or Seo's, or Hisui's, or Kohaku's, or Nii-san's. All I can do is act how I act, and say what I wish to say, and that is the best I can do. Further steps must be taken by themselves.

However... there is one thing that, in theory, I could always control.

…...My dreams.

...If I can control what I dream... then... I can have Nii-san as much as I want, whenever I want, and nobody will stop me.

_"Anyone can learn to control their dreams, though, Akiha. It just takes practice. Practice, and a little determination."_

That is what Len told me, when she saved me from my nightmares. From the pain and agony of being a bloodthirsty monster... or... even worse, a monster that is still able to resemble a human, while she secretly rules by force and tortures and bathes in blood and–

"...‼!"

I feel my gag reflexes kick in. My neck swells, and I clench my jaw shut as hard as I can. I clutch my stomach with one hand and resist the urge to vomit. I swallow hard, and painfully, looking at the Tohno Akiha in the mirror. The Tohno Akiha whose hair is a very vibrant shade of red.

Not just the tips... all of it.

Every strand.

My blood is excited once more, and I feel the urge growing to go and show Nii-san how fatal his words are.

I pant laboriously and focus on calming myself. Between being angered and my own memories, I have whipped my emotions into a frenzy.

…...Breathe.

...The swaying grass.

…...Breathe.

...The sun-kissed golden glow.

…...Breathe.

...A partly cloudy sky.

…...Breathe.

...A promised dawn.

…...Breathe.

...A tomorrow that will surely come.

I open my eyes, and see that my hair has returned to normal. My breathing is still slightly quickened, but it is nearly back to normal as well.

I sit back down in my chair with a sigh, and I take my shoes and stockings off, examining my feet and my legs once I do. I... usually do not walk around without them in my usual dress, but right now, it just seems like the right thing to do.

I tend to hide my feet. I do not particularly like them. I do not feel they are elegant or ladylike. Rather, I find them a bit short and stubby. The arch is not high enough. The toenails are too squared.

Without really thinking about it, I massage them, closing my eyes slightly at the comfort that fills my body as I flex and bend them, squeezing them, even cracking the toes, listening to the melodious popping noises that are produced. It... It is unladylike, but right now? I honestly do not care about being a lady.

Instead... I desire an existence like Souka's. One where I am so sure of myself, so self-confident, that I could not care less of what other people think of me, or my attitude, or any aspect of me whatsoever.

I envy her for that. I envy the fact that she can be so free with herself, while I cannot. Like it or not, there are some things that will never change with me, and this is one of those things.

…...But that does not mean I cannot at least think about or imagine it. After all, a healthy imagination is an important thing in just about anyone. Fantasies are what truly drive the world, because today's invention is tomorrow's household necessity.

I close my eyes fully, and picture myself. I try to imagine what sort of clothing I would wear.

…...For some reason... I see myself in a short-sleeved hoodie. Not long-sleeved, like Souka's, and DEFINITELY not blue like hers. I think I like red. A nice, deep red. Just like my dress, and my long button-up dress for outside. I do not like it when my hair becomes red, but I like red clothing, and the color in general. It just feels... natural to me.

…...A T-shirt would be an interesting, if unusual, garment for me to wear. I have worn them before, but I have never felt very comfortable in them. I think they just point out my chest... or rather, the lack thereof. But for some reason, I see a long-sleeved T-Shirt as my garment of choice, underneath the hoodie. The sleeves are slightly longer than on the hoodie – while on the hoodie they reach down to about the middle of my upper arm, on my t-shirt they are down to about the elbows. It certainly has long sleeves for a T-Shirt, but that is what comes into my mind. Either way, the shirt will have to contrast somewhat with the hoodie, so I think here a nice orange would suit.

...Lower clothing…... s-shorts...? I have... never really worn those. Why would I ever pick those? But yet, they are the first thing that come to mind... and they are fairly short, for a reason I cannot possibly explain... Approximately the length of Yumizuka-san's school outfit's skirt. Why I would pick such shorts, I do not know... well, shorts are different from a skirt, though. One's underwear is not exposed in shorts... unless they are so loose around your legs that one can see up your leg if you sit, anyway. Although they would decrease my flexibility... but in reality, only if I am attempting to do splits or kick the height of my head or something of that nature, which are things I generally do not do. I can do them, but there is little practical use for the former and only rarely for the latter.

...Do I keep my hairband? Hmm... generally, I think so. I do like my hairband, and it does have a functional use. Still... sometimes it would be a nice change of pace to take it out, and enjoy the wind being unbroken by it, even if I do have to pull my hair out of my face more often as a result. But even if this is a different sort of me, it is still definitely me, and I would think that this version of me would keep her hairband. Long hair is not a nice thing to have, if it constantly gets into your face, and this is but one way to make sure it would say out of my eyes.

...It is incredible, really. It looks, in some ways, nothing like me, or to my standards. And yet... I can see myself being fully comfortable in this sort of clothing. Because being in clothing like that... would be liberation. And liberation is exactly what Tsukihime Souka is feeling when she is out of her school or shrine maiden uniforms.

"...Heheh..."

I cannot help but laugh at a silly thought that suddenly enters my mind. Shrine maidens are supposed to be a symbol of chastity, of purity...

...And yet there Souka was, in regular clothing... touching herself even as she brought those sensations to my body. She... looked like she was enjoying herself. I was not able to look for too long... my own body would barely even respond to what I wanted it to do, so that is of no surprise. But from what I saw... she was quite as aroused as I was.

I did not think that she would have whipped herself up into a frenzy of lust so easily, just by virtue of the fact that it was me that she was doing it to. But Tsukihime Souka is the sort of person who defies just about all expectations that one could reasonably put onto her. Indeed, even though what she did is not so surprising to me now, the fact that she would have the fortitude to try it on me is still something worthy of mention.

...There is also the fact that I let her continue to do it, as well, even though I could have stopped her at just about any time. But I did not.

No... I... wanted to feel that, after awhile.

...It was a strange feeling. Strange, and unusual, and a little frightening at first. But, after a short while... it was simply... warm, and pleasant, and addicting. The sort of thing that tells one "You are loved by me, and this is just one way of me telling you that."

It is not the usual love a friend shares with another friend, to be sure. This is the sort of love that is... well, more personal, I suppose. This is not something I see Souka doing with just anyone. I do not see her treating Seo or Hanei in this way... and if she has, they are all doing very good jobs at keeping it hidden from me. I would not suspect any of them to be in this sort of relationship.

…...But what if they were?

What if Souka has been doing these things without me knowing about it? It would certainly explain Seo's rather... torrid mind and imagination. Well, that and the simple fact that she is, of course, "at that age" as the saying goes, where hormones skyrocket in both males and females, urging them that now that they have reached sexual maturity, they should already be seeking to mate, to perpetually propagate the species, to ensure its continued survival.

…...But obviously, two girls cannot make a child, and neither can two males.

From a purely biological standpoint, same-sex relationships are useless for continuation of the species. Therefore, such relationships are purely for the emotional and mental gratification of the participants.

Therefore, the only reason Tsukihime Souka did that, was because she loved Tohno Akiha. Pure and simple.

She simply wanted to show how close she felt to her. Close enough that she felt that she could do such a thing to her. Close enough that she was sure that once it began, Tohno Akiha would not stop her.

…...And she was right.

I did not stop it. And more importantly... I wanted it after a short while.

I wanted to feel all of the things she was doing. I wanted to push myself into them. I wanted to lose myself to this maddening fit of pleasure that she was bringing to my body, through lips and fingers and words...

...It was... intoxicating.

It made me feel so many different things at once that it was almost impossible to describe it all. An intense heat, and a desire to give myself completely to the sensations, to the feelings.

It made me lose all sense of privacy, or modesty. I would have been more than willing to expose myself to anyone, almost, as long as they would have continued to stimulate that maddening desire in me.

…...But I especially wanted Nii-san.

In the back of my mind, even though part of me would have been horrified to know he was seeing me that way... the rest of me wanted him.

Wanted to feel him embracing me.

Wanted to feel his touch making my skin burn.

Wanted to feel him entering me, claiming me, making me his…...

...I blush. I am beginning to feel a heat build in my lower stomach. I am... arousing myself by thinking about it, and remembering it...

But, it is pointless to remember that and to feel aroused when one is not around to give bodily pleasures for it.

With a slightly disappointed sigh, I shake my head of the thoughts, and after putting my stockings and shoes back on, I head towards my door, opening it, then closing it behind me, and I begin to walk down the hall back towards Nii-san's room.

It is not right to be mad at Nii-san. He is not the actual cause for my anger. The truth is, that I cannot face facts with myself. That my own stubbornness is really the root cause.

Tohno Akiha has to swallow her pride. And swallowing her pride is never something that she has been good at. She has never been taught to swallow her pride. She has never been taught to do anything but enforce her way, her rules, no matter what.

...But real life does not work that way.

Living with other people means that one must compromise. They will never get exactly what they want out of a relationship, especially one that is romantic and sexual. Money cannot buy love. It can buy the appearance of it, but this is a mere shade.

Furthermore... Otou-sama is here no more. He has ceased to be. Therefore, while he raised me with values, and things I should do...

…...Are they not but guidelines now?

Who is going to chastise me if I choose to do things differently from how he would? Absolutely nobody. Hisui and Kohaku are both loyal to me, and Nii-san... well, he was indifferent to Otou-sama for some time, until he found out the truth of him, and of the Tohno, and that made his opinion towards him sour.

Nowadays, I suppose he would be more indifferent on him, recognizing him both as someone who was a monster and a victim. For Otou-sama was two very different people.

The kind Tohno Makihisa, who could be very protective and watching over the three of us.

The monster Tohno Makihisa, who slaughtered an entire family, put me through a grueling upbringing, and had to rape Kohaku on an almost daily basis just to survive, by a thread, to teach me the most important things that I needed to know, for he knew his time was extremely limited and had to cram what should have been a gradual lifetime's worth of lessons into a handful of years.

He is gone now, and will never return. Therefore, while his lessons will last me the rest of my life... his lifestyle does not have to be mine.

...Yes. That is the right course of action, I believe.

I certainly owe Nii-san an apology, at the very least... and if I am to truly be a new, and better person, it is but the first step in a long journey.

* * *

Yes. That is precisely it. Otou-sama lived how he did, but I am not Otou-sama.  
While I can, and have, learned from his lessons... following them to the letter...  
...That is not necessary. I am my own woman, not a female clone of Otou-sama.

* * *

Next Week (1/30/11) – Chapter 35: "Two Will Be As One"


	35. Two Will Be As One

Chapter 35: "Two Will Be As One"

* * *

Hours after my initial fit, I find myself in front of Nii-san's door once more. I sigh and put my hands on my hips.

So immature.

"...Right. Do it properly this time." I chastise myself, while I shake my head.

After hesitating a moment, I knock again. I would not be surprised if I did not get an ans–

"Who is it? Hisui?" his voice calls out.

"…...Ah... n-no, it is me, Nii-san..." comes the suddenly meek reply.

"...Akiha?" He seems surprised to hear the sound of my voice so soon. "Come in."

I take another breath to calm my nerves, and enter the room more humbly, with my hands clasped in front of myself. My right hand is clasping my left wrist, as if to brace itself for some strange, unknown reason.

"…...Please forgive my emotional outburst earlier, Nii-san. I did not mean to do such a thing." I bow slightly, respectfully. "I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it has mentally stressed me a fair deal. That does not mean it is right to act so rashly, however, so once again, I apologize."

"Akiha... it's okay." He smiles slightly. "If you're jealous over something like that, it means you're actually looking out for me. It's because you want the best for me, right?"

"...Ah..." ...W-well, that would be true, of course...

"So don't worry about stuff like that. It's normal, you know. I'd be more concerned if you took it in stride and said nothing about it at all, heh..." Nii-san's slight chuckle fills the air like a song.

…...Damn it. How does he always... deconstruct me so...?

How does he always know just what to do to defuse my anger...?

It is literally impossible for me to stay mad at him for any length of time. The longest I have gone is a day, maybe two. After that, it seems that no matter what I do... he finds the very thing that will force my anger out of me. And he wields this weapon with a surprising accuracy and potency, the likes of which I have never seen in anyone else.

I cannot help but look away this time. I feel like I wish to cry, and I know if I look into his eyes, then I...

I hear him get out of bed.

"N-Nii-san?ǃ Please stay in your bed, you are still injured!" I race over to him and – very carefully – I try to lightly push him back onto the bed.

But against Nii-san... Tohno Akiha's strength fades, like that of a weak girl. He walks up as if what was pushing on him was a ball of cotton. "I'll live, Akiha." He sighs. "...I guess you still like me as more than a brother, huh?"

"Ah..." ...He... read me like a book.

…...Of course I like him as more than a brother.

In order to live, humans require, at a minimum, a few fundamental things. Food to eat, liquid to drink, air to breathe, and a place to sleep.

…...Tohno Akiha needs a fifth thing. The boy whom she calls "Nii-san." A Nii-san who is not one by birth, and not even by adoption... but by completely and totally stealing the heart of a eight year-old girl.

…...Without him, to this day, the girl cannot truly be alive. She will survive, but with only four of her five requirements met, it is, at best, half of an existence.

"Akiha..." He reaches out, and hugs me slowly. Carefully. Warm arms, wrapping around my body. Soft arms, and yet strong. The only thing separating direct, skin-to-skin contact, being the thin layer of fabric in the blouse that I am wearing...

"...?" I cannot help but look up at him as he hugs me, despite being on the verge of tears, feeling heat rising in my cheeks.

"...I know you love me more than words can say. That's why this is eating you up, isn't it?" A slight smile, one of knowing...

…...One of understanding.

I feel my lip quiver. I fight the urge to cry even harder, but if he keeps that up, with that face, and being so gentle and kind, I...

...My head is pushed gently into his shoulder. I feel his hand rub the back of my head. Fingers running through my hair, lightly rubbing the back of my head with one hand, and the other, lightly rubbing my upper back, patting it softly...

"Go ahead."

…...To encourage the child to cry.

I close my eyes and feel the tears roll down my cheeks, and eventually drip off, heading for his shoulder, like he will not heal if a part of me is not inside of him. My head is rubbed, and my upper back gently patted, encouraging me to let it out.

And the mentally fatigued girl weakly embraces him, and allows herself a moment of weakness.

He begins to rock slowly, swaying back and forth a little, allowing – no, encouraging – the girl to trust him completely, to just let him hold her, to allow him to support both of their body weights.

Telling her that he will be there for both of them, without saying so much as a word.

Human language has no sort of word for this feeling, this sensation. It can describe aspects of it, to be sure, but it cannot fully name the summation of all of those feelings.

...No, this is something instinctual. Something that is understood by the animal mind, even if the rational, intelligent, evolved human brain cannot fully understand it. It is something hardwired into each and everyone of us.

…...And I am no exception.

I clutch onto Nii-san like a weak girl for ten, perhaps twenty minutes. The whole time, he runs one of his hands lightly through my hair, and rubs my head and back. He does not say a word, but words do not need to be said. The bond between us is so strong, that I know what he would say, and he knows what I would do in response to his actions.

Eventually, I feel the pain leave my body. As if sensing this, his embrace opens up a little, and he allows me to pull away a little. I sniffle and hiccup slightly as I look at him. No doubt the whites of my eyes are reddened slightly from what I have been doing.

"Feeling better?" He looks at me, smiling a little.

"…...A little." I nod slightly. It comes out in a strange voice, so I clear my throat slightly, and then swallow in an attempt to clear it further.

He sighs, and scratches his head with one of his hands. "Jeez, Akiha. You fall to pieces around me, don't you?"

"...Yes." I look down.

…...Of course I do. How could I not...?

How does one not fall to pieces to one who saves their life...?

More importantly... how does one ever feel like they can repay that person for giving them the opportunity to see the sun come up tomorrow…...?

I cannot speak for others, but I know that I would do just about anything in my power to help Nii-san, in any way I can. Anything at all. If it came down to it, I would give my life for him. As long as he could be the last thing I would see before I die, I would happily do so. There would be no regrets, except for knowing it would be the last time I see him, but... if he is the last person I can spend time with before I am sent to an eternal hell of torture and suffering for being a demon, then I sup–

"Well, stop beating yourself up about it. You're only human, after all."

"...Eh...?" I exclaim in surprise as a bolt of lightning surges down my spine.

...Human?

…...He called me... human...?

But... I am not human. Not fully. Oka-sama was human, but Otou-sama–

"Yeah. You're human, Akiha." As if reading my thoughts, he continues. "No real demon could feel how you do about me. Isn't it obvious?"

"...But Nii-san... I, I'm not ful–"

A finger is pressed gently against my lips, silencing me.

...Though it is not him who feels like he is burning. It is me. On my lips where the finger is pressing... in my cheeks... in my chest...

…...Simultaneously, several fires ignite inside of Tohno Akiha.

"Akiha. You're human. A bloodthirsty, savage demon wouldn't care what her brother thinks of her, or even get upset because she loves him and thinks she can do better." He sighs, slightly sadly, as if regretting the situation. "...Who knows? Maybe if I had never met you and just saw you randomly on the street one day, it might've been you, though. I'll give you credit for that... you don't let go of your hopes and dreams, and I like that about you. So... don't change, alright?"

...I... am not sure how to reply to this. It feels almost like he is dressing me down in a way, but... he is right. I know he is, but I do not want to admit it.

There is a possibility, however slim, that had we never met how we did, we may have encountered each other on the street. If that had happened, our relationship may have been able to blossom normally.

…...But.

That would never happen, as much of a desired dream as that would be.

The reason for this is simple: The Tohno are a family of demons. The Nanaya are a family who kills demons. If we were to have met "naturally," then we probably would have been trying to kill each other, not date each other.

The illusion of being able to date him normally is that of a normal girl who feels so strongly about the one who captured her heart.

The reality of the disaster that would have occurred if that were to actually happen is that of the logical, rational mind that the girl possesses.

…...A dark vision runs through my head. Of a year ago, but in a forest. In the Nanaya Forest. Both of us, injured and bleeding profusely, fighting to the death, knowing only one would walk away... rictus grins plastered on both of our faces, as we swing at each other like savage beasts.

I banish the thoughts from my head as best as I can without making it obvious.

"...I will do my best to get over those... feelings for you, Nii-san. It is difficult, but I will do my best." I sigh. "But I cannot stop loving you. If you wish me to stop loving you, then you will have to kill me, Nii-san."

"...Man, you're taking it way too seriously. Don't worry about it that much, Akiha," he says with a slight laugh. "Besides, I think it's cute."

...My heart skips a beat. C... Cute?

"Yeah. Cute. It makes you multidimensional, Akiha." He smiles slightly as he states this matter-of-factly.

Gah! I spoke my thoughts once more! Why does my mouth fail to keep itself shut during the most important times...?ǃ

"Wh... What do you mean multidimensional, Nii-san?" I ask him as I feel the heat begin to flow into my cheeks once more.

"Well... there's the motherly side of you that's always fussing over how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, and making sure I'm okay. Then there's the younger sister who wants to be closer to her brother, because she loves him. Then there's the maturing woman, who knows she loves someone and wants to be with them..." He sighs a bit. "...In some ways I guess I feel a little guilty for denying you that, Akiha."

...G...Guilty? Nii-san…...?

"You do not need to feel guilty about it, Nii-san," I begin to try to assuage his guilt. "I... I am your sister, so it is natural to not have that sort of desire with me. W... We cannot ever be a couple, and I know that..." My voice falters before it fades completely to quietness. My lips continue to move, but no sound comes out of them.

Even though this is a complete lie to me, to myself, I say this. Even though it renounces everything that I truly feel... it needs to be said.

It is true that normally, family members do not go to the extent of love that I have... A sexual love. A desire to be more than a sister... a desire to be his partner. His life partner. To join as one not just mentally and emotionally, but physically... for us to become two halves of a greater whole, for us to be yin and yang, for us to be as one, for me to become him, and for him to become me...

…...That is what I desire.

It took until Souka did what she did for me to realize that it went that deep, but it does... I cannot deny that anymore. I have endured it for years, but now, I desperately yearn and ache for him. I want him. I want him, but I cannot have him...

"Akiha..." his dulcet voice shakes me out of my thoughts.

"...Yes, Nii-san...? What is it...?"

"...Do you remember why I appeared rather nervous after I had come back from fighting enemies one night with Arcueid?"

My eyes roll up slightly as I recall that night. "...Yes. The next morning you were flushed in the face when I greeted you, and when I felt your forehead, you felt like you had a fever. You then ran from me when I tried to stop you. But what does this have to do with anything...?"

"...Arcueid had sent Len before we took her in for good, and that night, I had a dream, Akiha... and... it was of you..." His own voice pales.

_**THUMP.**_

After a very strong shudder that makes my whole body quake, my heart stops for several moments, and when it restarts, it beats much faster than it did before, trying to compensate for a few moments of death that Tohno Akiha survived without even knowing it.

Len's purpose is to manipulate dreams, so if she did that... then, it must have been a sexual dream...

...And... he dreamed... of me…...…...?

…...Of me…...?

...I had dreamed of him before, holding me, and telling me things I longed to hear... never sexual dreams, though... Th, there were a few where he began to kiss me, and massage me, but it always stopped with him doing, at most, undressing me. I woke up because my brain did not know how to proceed, but...

…...When two people dream the same dream, it ceases to be an illusion. It becomes reality…...

...Then... if I dreamed of Nii-san... and Nii-san dreamed of me…...…

...Then... maybe…... there is a part of him that looks at Tohno Akiha as a person he can love that way...

"...Akiha..." I look at him. He is blushing slightly in embarrassment.

"...Nii-san..." I am sure I am just as red.

The air has become rather hot... No, hot is an understatement. This room is an absolute furnace. I feel the demon side of me growing stronger from the incredible heat that has appeared in the air of this room, out of seemingly nowhere.

We both look at each other... unsure of how to proceed... unsure if this is what we really want. His gray eyes, looking deeply into mine, deeply into the soul of the demon who loves a human. My own blue eyes, looking deeply into his, into the soul of one who kills demons... but loves one instead.

It is one thing to say you love a person, and would happily worship their bodies in every way, but... funnily enough, if it becomes reality, it is very easy to have a sudden case of cold feet. We both are. After such a confession, for all of knowing exactly what it means... neither of us proceed. We just look at the other.

I can hear my heartbeat in my head, as if my heart has swapped places with my brain. _**BANG. BANG. BANG.**_ It sounds like it is trying to escape.

The sound of air flying past my ears is obvious, immediate. It takes a few moments for me to realize it is actually my own breathing, sped up and heightened from the stress.

The air around me seemingly crackles with a dark energy. It is only when I shiver slightly in my spot that I catch the sight of scarlet red replacing jet black, starting at the tips and rapidly soaking upward, like a paper towel feasting itself on spilled water.

"...Does... that mean... you want to..." I blush furiously at hearing those words leave my mouth, in a shaky, nervous voice. The voice of a girl who is on her first date...

"…...I don't know yet, Akiha…..." He says with a slight sigh, his own voice uncertain and hesitant. "It was a dream, but... I'm not sure if it was just a dream Len manipulated... or if it was an actual dream I desired..."

...That could be it too. It is possible that she simply read his mind, found me first, and simply made herself into my image. Even without it being sexual, Tohno Akiha is a very important person to Tohno Shiki, so it is only natural that I would occupy a good deal of his thoughts.

However... If that is the case... then she had better have enjoyed that strawberry shortcake. It will be the last one for quite awhile. I feel my boldness return with this thought, and I nod.

"...I see. Then, I will not force it on you, Nii-san. But... if... you do see me that way–"

"–Then the answer is yes. I already know what you will say, Akiha." He sighs a bit.

...He is right.

I do not know why I still truly think of him that way. I owe him my life, certainly; giving him my body is but a small token of gratitude. I know he would never harm it, or take advantage of such intimate generosity. I know he would treat it well, and would not take completely for himself, and deny me any sort of pleasure from it. There are certainly worse things Nii-san could do to me than... carnal things.

...And if he did try to take advantage of it, I would stop him immediately. But that is not how I shall think of Nii-san. No...

…...The Nii-san I know, is the Nii-san I fell in love with. First as a stranger. As the Nanaya child. Then as a friend, as the boy who I laughed and played with briefly, but seemingly eternally. There were no thoughts of him as an enemy, nothing that said we could not play. There was a strange tightness in my chest, initially – later I learned that this was due to a sixth sense, of sorts, warning me that he was an enemy – but the more I played with the boy, the more that sense faded.

Then... I lost one brother, and gained another. I lost... Tohno SHIKI, and gained Tohno Shiki. And so the eternal wait of Tohno Akiha for the heart of the one she loved began in earnest.

Just wanting to innocently love him, for a number of years, until she began to physically mature. When she had her first period, Otou-sama taught the confused girl about how sex worked, why she bled from there and would do so once a month, and the importance of eventually having an heir.

…...That is when the innocent love for the boy began to become more... carnal. But even then, it had a surprising gentleness to it, a naivete. The boy would kiss her, hug her, and hold her, and then gently lay her down on her bed, and begin to reach under her dress... and then it would end.

It tended to make Tohno Akiha unhappy for the next day.

And yet... in his insanity, ironically, it is Tohno SHIKI who would have no problem having sex with Tohno Akiha. My nightmares of him, of me being helpless, and him killing me and raping my corpse as I lay there, bleeding and dying, my life fading as he uselessly shoots seed into my womb, to make a life that will never reach birth...

I shiver.

"Akiha...? Something wrong? You look like you're not feeling well... Did... ah, did what I say make you feel sick to your stomach...?"

"N-No, Nii-san, it would never do that... I am fine. It is just... a lot to have to think about." I sigh, calming myself down. "Well... ah, if you do not need anything, please excuse me. I need time to think on this... and you too, I am assuming. Besides, you still need to heal, and I do not want to disturb your rest. It is important for you to have it."

"...Yeah... guess you're right," he says with a sigh, but a slight smile, as if my maternalistic nature to him makes him happy. "Could you just bring me some water, please? I'm very thirsty."

I smile. "I shall be happy to. Please wait there. I will return with it shortly." With this, I bow slightly, and exit the room.

For Nii-san, doing this is not a chore... it is what Tohno Akiha does best. Loving Nii-san. Loving him completely, because in her eyes, there is almost nothing he could ask of her that she would not willfully help him with.

I walk out to the kitchen, take a glass, and put it under the water purifier. I activate the filter, and after letting it run for a few seconds, cold, purified water fills the glass before long. I shut the faucet off and examine the glass momentarily before I take it to Nii-san, and hold it out to him. He takes the glass from my hands and drinks it all down in one go, finishing with a sharp exhale of satisfaction... and a belch.

He must have certainly been quite thirsty... perhaps... he waited for this so that he could ask me to get him some water...? Even though Hisui or Kohaku would have gotten it if he had but asked... does me getting him water perhaps mean more to him, somehow...?

"Excuse me, Akiha," he says after a few breaths, commenting on his belch. "And thanks. It was cold and good." He lays back in bed, satisfied for now.

"...It is no problem. Please get some rest, Nii-san. You are healing well, so in a day or so I might allow you to get out of bed more," I inform him. His vitals are still somewhat low, but much improved, and the bandages do not appear to have soaked up blood.

"Yeah." He smiles a bit, closes his eyes, and takes his glasses off. I take the glass from him him as he sets his glasses down on the nearby endtable, and turn to leave the room.

"…...Hey, Akiha." He speaks to my back.

"...?" I turn and face him. "Yes, Nii-san? What is it?"

"…...…Thanks for putting up with me," he says to me. "I know it's a lot, and I know I worry you... so it does mean a lot."

"...Do not worry about it, Nii-san," I quickly tell him, honestly and truthfully. "I am simply happy to have you back here, with me. Where you belong."

"Yeah. I think so, too." With this, he settles in, and begins to attempt to doze off into sleep.

I cannot help but smile and feel my heart swell with happiness as I return to the sink with the glass.

* * *

Nii-san still needs Tohno Akiha. Tohno Akiha still needs Nii-san.  
This is why we are inseparable, really... we are both much happier together.  
And... he even... dreamed of me in that way... does... that mean...?

* * *

Next Week (2/6/11) – Chapter 36: "Dreamer's Dream"


	36. Dreamer's Dream

Chapter 36: "Dreamer's Dream"

* * *

Human.

He, too, said Tohno Akiha was human.

Even if she refuses to believe it herself, half of the time... even if she considers herself more of a demon than a human...

…...It is what he called her. Human.

Now it is not just me saying it. He said it. That no longer makes it a dream. That makes it reality.

A reality hoped for. A reality desperately wanted by that side of her. To cling to. To be reminded that she is not entirely bad. That she is not without salvation, without redemption.

To be reminded that there are those who care for her. Who worry about her. Who are concerned with her well-being.

To be reminded that, no matter what the consequences, or what you do, if you try hard enough, you'll achieve them.

Just like...

"…..."

Just like... what I dream for.

Those rare but pleasant dreams. Of holding Nii-san. Of kissing Nii-san. Of not letting him go, and more importantly... of never wanting to.

Of wanting him to be a part of my life, now and forever, until the day I die.

Nii-san is my precious thing. My most cherished possession is not something I can hold, or have, at any one time; it is a person independent of myself. And... even though he is in the arms of another, my heart will always belong to him. This basic fact will never change.

Because, when he is there, and when he is around, Tohno Akiha becomes a different person from the usual exterior that she exhibits. The more I think about it, the more I realize... that might be why I truly love him.

Not just for saving my life... but because he was Tohno Akiha's method of escape from the pressures of her life. Her outlet of frustration and fears. He took yelling that was hastily thrown upon him, created by the worryings of a young woman, attempting to find an excuse to yell at him, because the fears that lurked darkly in her heart, she did not have the courage to voice.

But... Nii-san didn't want her to change... even though around him it was merely a matter of time before her usual demeanor failed, and she became more like a meek girl. He would wait for this reaction. He would anticipate it. And when it occurred, he would welcome it, and make sure the girl never felt ashamed of her emotional barrier coming crumbling down.

I cannot help it.

I can keep my usual self among everyone else but attempting to do it to Nii-san... he cuts through it like how his knife cuts through the lines he sees. Cleanly. Easily. Totally. Without any hope of evading it. The sturdy, brick barrier that Tohno Akiha erects when talking to most, may as well be thin rice paper.

...It is as if Tohno Akiha becomes a completely different person around him. More humble. More submissive. Even if she is initially sharp at him, this fades before long, and the girl's true feelings, worries, and doubts rise to the surface, without any cloak to hide them, mask to misidentify them. While Tohno Akiha would never sacrifice her independence to just about anyone... he is the one person that she would willingly surrender herself to, and allow him to do with her as he pleased.

And... that seems to be what she truly wants. To be that totally different person. To be relieved from all her pressures, all her obligations, even if just for one day…...

…...Yes. That is what I will do.

Tomorrow, I will try to be someone other than Tohno Akiha. No... tomorrow... I _**will**_ be someone else. I will not care about her worries, I will disregard her feelings, I will ignore everything she needs, wants, desires... they will be the needs of someone who, for a day or so, will be effectively dead.

What, exactly, will rise up... I do not know. It is likely it will not be someone she likes…... But who cares about the wishes of a dead girl?

The only thing she and I will have in common is that she will leave the mansion, and this stranger will return to an unfamiliar home. Will she find it to her liking or not? That is hard to say... but it will scarcely matter.

...Well then. Tomorrow is settled. The only thing left today, is to gain answers on that lingering question in my mind... answers if that is what Nii-san wanted, or if it was just convenience that dictated "my" presence in his dream.

And for that, I need to seek out a certain familiar.

* * *

I return to my room... and somehow, there she is, waiting for me in my chair.

Finding Len is slightly unorthodox, but it makes sense when one thinks about it deeply. Essentially, she knows when she is being sought, and then will often go towards where the person who seeks her out thinks they will find her.

In this case, I had a feeling she would be waiting in my room, so that is where I went. I was correct.

"Len." I state her name.

She looks up at me from the chair, kicking her legs slightly. She is slightly too short to fully reach the floor from the chair's seat height. Red eyes look at me, as if they were expecting me. She nods slightly, to acknowledge that she has heard me.

"Is it true that when Nii-san returned home one night before we adopted you, he had a... sexual dream of me that you provided...?" The word still is foreign to my tongue. It does not roll off easily, but I find it becoming easier.

As for Len... she simply nods quietly, as always, a childlike innocence in her nod that is belied by the extremely adult nature of the dream. I feel my cheeks warm up as the blood rushes to my face.

"Was... it one he wanted, or was I just the first female in his life you could find...?" I ask inquisitively. "I... wish to know if you influenced his dreams or not..." If Len gave Nii-san this dream, then his love may be unattainable anyway...

...But much to my surprise, Len pulls herself out of the chair and approaches. I note that she walks with determination, and her hands are lightly balled into fists.

"...Ah... is... that something you cannot tell me for some reason...?" I ask, trying to defuse the situation. Child's body or not, Len is still not someone to trifle with...

Reaching up on tiptoe, she touches me lightly on the forehead. Immediately, it is as if I had just taken one of Kohaku's drugs. Within seconds, my vision blurs, then swirls. Afterimages of the room are produced as I stagger slightly.

I feel... strangely exhausted. I struggle to maintain my balance for a few moments, until I collapse onto the side of my bed. I attempt to get up, but only manage a slightly feeble raising of the limbs and my head before my strength is completely gone, and my body relaxes.

Within moments, I am unconscious.

* * *

…...?

…...Where am I…...?

I look around. I am...

...In Nii-san's room.

I look out the window. It is dark outside. It is hard to make out much detail on the sleeping face of Nii-san, but it is fairly easy to pick out the more prominent facial structures, such as eyes, nose, or mouth. He appears to be sleeping somewhat peacefu–

...? Someone's approaching. He looks towards the door, too.

It opens. And…... I enter, along with Kohaku.

"?ǃ" I gasp slightly in surprise.

H... How can I enter the room with Kohaku? Especially since she is at her other employers right now? I am right here! I look down at my hands, or I try to, but I do not see anything...!

_"No... this is but a memory now, Akiha. A memory that Shiki and I share."_

...Len's voice. Ah... of course... this makes sense, then. I am... in the dream that Nii-san had.

…...Then, the Tohno Akiha who is talking to him is the one he dreamed of, and the one who seems to be invisible and spectral to all but Len, remains hidden and unknown from sight.

...I watch them talk. Watching myself and Kohaku talk to Nii-san is a strange experience. It is not rather unlike one who practices a speech in front of a mirror, over and over, until they get it right.

"In other words, Nii-san, you see us more as family than you do as women?" My doppelganger speaks calmly, coolly... in a way I never truly could in front of Nii-san. "…...I see. It might be good for you if that was really true."

The words are mostly brief, fleeting. As if not fully remembered or realized.

And... and I watch... as he weakens, under my doppelganger's gaze...

…...…Wh, What?ǃ Why am I ordering Kohaku to do that?ǃ H-Hey, stop this, Kohaku! I try to grab her arms, but my hand uselessly passes through, without grabbing hers, as she begins to tie him to the bedposts.

...And I watch, as she begins to remove his clothing... feeling heat begin to flare up in my stomach…...

...Sh... She is... well... being sexual with him, and... I'm watching?ǃ Th, This isn't something I would want, ever! I force myself to turn away from this sight. I don't want this. I don't want this at all!

…...Well.. this _**IS**_ a dream of Nii-san's, so I suppose I wouldn't act myself, but... this is still not me! Not in a hundred years would Nii-san imagine me to be this sort of sick, perverted woman who would just so willingly force this sort of thing upon him!

...But... before long, my head refuses to remain turned. Whether a dream or not... the desire inside of me grows and grows. It... it wants to see him... and his private parts...

Looking back, I see that Kohaku has him inside of her mouth. Bobbing slowly, sucking carefully, making him twitch and writhe in his restraints, as pleasure clearly surges throughout his body...

...I blush as I watch her... well... handle him. Along with my doppelganger, who is watching far more intently than I am.

"…...!"

As Kohaku... does those things...

...My doppelganger sits in the chair and... begins to rub herself between the legs. A contented noise comes from her throat, followed by a small sigh, and her hand moves up and down...

S... She's masturbating... I think...?

I... I don't get it... No, this cannot be something he dreamed of on his own. This is clearly something Len inserted into his mind!

"...Len... You can stop..." I announce as firmly as I possibly can.

As if on command... everything freezes in place. All motions cease; all noises stop. I take a few moments to calm my breath, and moisten my parched-dry throat with saliva before I walk around in the room, and examine everything.

Nii-san... with a face I have never seen before. Tied to the bed, his arms and legs unable to free himself. I feel the heat in my cheeks swell in embarrassment, as I notice his eyes are looking somewhat vaguely in the direction of my doppelganger.

...Kohaku. Licking and tasting his most private places. She... looks as if she were enjoying it. The faintest hint of a smile is on her face. She lightly grips his penis with one hand, her other stroking his left thigh.

…...My... doppelganger... her dress off and her thighs are spread wide apart on the chair, touching herself, with a face that is absolutely not mine. Her underwear, soiled with arousal, is immediate and obvious...

I blush even more deeply as I remember I am looking at myself. No. No, no, no, no. One does not purposely look at themselves being so... lewd!

I quickly pull my eyes away. That is just wrong... what I am doing is wrong, why I am having Kohaku do it is wrong, and that is not a look that belongs on my face...

…...Yet, at the same time... I would be lying if I said if some part of me did not want to be touched, or taken right now... In the back of my mind, thoughts of asking Len to make Kohaku disappear, and leave the rest of the dream alone, so I can impale myself on Nii-san and satisfy these bestial urges within me course throughout my head, fogging my brain, trying to destroy my logic, my reason...

"Th... This is really what he dreamed of?" I look around the room for Len. I feel her presence, but I do not see her anywh–

My eyes turn to the window as they glimpse movement. As if it were a perfectly commonplace thing to defy the very laws of physics, the familiar steps through the window without even opening it, and she simply nods in reply to my question.

"...But... I am not even doing anything to him. Kohaku is–"

She walks up to me, and, with a slight smile, touches me lightly on the forehead once more.

In an instant... it feels like hundreds of thoughts slam into my brain from this, added into my mind and my memory by someone whose very existence is meant to be able to do such things. Blinding torrents of information, tightly spiraled into my brain, and seared into it, like cattle would be branded.

…...Potentially several hours' worth of information is imparted on me, in an instant.

And with it... come the answers I seek.

"...He... did this... because..." I speak slightly, with my voice trembling, as the realization of just why Kohaku is here makes itself clear with these thoughts that enter my mind as if I had just solved some cosmic riddle.

Hisui takes care of Nii-san's laundry and room, but as she was afraid of dealing with most males at the time, usually it is Kohaku who interacted with him more directly. Then, it would make sense for him to have her here...

...Because he could not think of me in that way.

Even if he did want me... he could not dream of Tohno Akiha doing these things to him, of Tohno Akiha satisfying his primal, carnal instincts. He could not see his beloved little sister as being anything but a little sister to him... and could not see her as a woman who has wants, needs, and desires with him.

So he had... a secondary option. Someone who would be more "socially permissible." To be a proxy, of sorts...

That person, was Kohaku. A more socially acceptable alternative. One who was not related to him by blood or name. One whom nobody in society would object to a relationship forming between them... well, except for myself or possibly Hisui. But this was before that formed...

It would not matter how sexual Kohaku became with Nii-san. It would be seen as two adults making a mutual choice, and since they are not related, society would deem the relationship to be acceptable by its standards.

"...And you did not influence or force this on him at all, Len?" I ask of her.

The blue-haired girl simply shakes her head, the only other noise in this otherwise quiet room being the slight shuffle of her hair on her clothing as her head turns a few times.

Then... he did truly want this, and Len had no influence on his dreams at all. This was Nii-san's true desire...

A desire to have the one his heart yearned for, but could not.

...A desire to love the girl who loved him to be more than just his sister.

…...A desire for his sister to be his partner. But his mind could not see Tohno Akiha as someone who could be both his sister and his sexual partner...

He wanted Tohno Akiha, but since he could not see me as someone whom he could do that with, he needed a way for me to be present while his desires were fulfilled. Thus, Kohaku became a surrogate, because after all, all he has to do is close his eyes and believe it is me, for it to become me... just as Kohaku herself had stated as she began stimulating his body...

…...And then, he would orgasm. Into "me"... into a willing, accepting female.

"...And... I presume that is what happened?" I ask with an unusually shaky voice, my body trembling slightly.

Len smirks softly... and I feel her hand travel under my dress and caress my groin as she motions her head back towards Nii-san and Kohaku on the bed. I quickly pull away, but not before I become aware of the distinctive feeling of soaked fabric being rubbed...

I... Is she suggesting I enjoyed watching Nii-san and Kohaku have sex?ǃ A... Absurd! Absolutely absurd! I would never want to watch Nii-san having sex! Ever!

"F-Forget about that now, it isn't important!" I grab her arm and pull it out from under my dress, and then step away. "Telling me what I want to know will be enough, thank you!"

She pouts very slightly, before her voice enters my head. _"I bet if you didn't know it was a dream, though, you'd be a lot more willing..."_ She giggles a little, and as she does, the pout changes into a very daring smirk.

Somehow, I do not like the tone of that giggle, or the smirk on her face.

"...J-Just answer me, Len. Did he do that, or not?" I cross my arms and glare at her, to get an immediate answer, trying my best to appear firm.

But the smirk just turns into a slight, grinning smile, as if she was expecting me to do this, and it widens even more as she licks her fingers that have my moisture on them before she answers, rewarding my incredulous stare by speaking audibly this time. "Shiki did not care who it was touching him after awhile. All he could do was look at you, and see what you were doing, and hear your voice. Soon, he gave in totally and completely. And once he did, and thought it was you doing that to him, he came as hard as he could into Kohaku's mouth... I had a feast of energy from it." She licks her lips slightly at the memory, as well as to clean my remaining fluids from them.

...Then, we truly are in the same, awkward position.

Of loving one another... even in that way... but both of us being too afraid to express it.

Of desiring the other, and wanting to be lost in the other.

Of the taboos, of all of the bonds of family we would be breaking. A secret wish, desired by two people...

…...Both afraid to admit it to the other, so they both settled on a defense mechanism.

Me, never telling him that I wanted it.

Him, never telling me that he would like it.

It is no longer a question of "Would he like to?" then. It is now a simple question of why he finds reasons to abstain from it... the best one I can think of, would probably be due to the obvious "illegal" nature that such love would produce. The act of incest.

…...But it was never an issue of "would it be legal." It is legal, because we are unrelated in anything but name only...

...And even if we weren't... even if he was my brother by blood... I would not care. I would still love him. I would still desire to be his partner, now and forever.

Because... I love him more than words could ever say.

Nii-san was never formally adopted into our family by Otou-sama, so I suppose technically we are only brother and sister if we both believe it to be, but...

…...I still call him Nii-san. I still consider him my brother. I could call him "Shiki-Niisan" but that just... does not feel the same to me.

A bond that was formed with essentially a stranger, by a cruel twist of fate. And, being male and female... I suppose we both could not help but react purely by animal instinct. That instinct that draws the opposite sexes together, to continue the cycle, to beget the next generation of the species.

...I... I am conflicted... but... if that did happen, and we did do that... would I still be a sister to him? And if not... what would I become to him...?

Would he expect me to become some kind of servile housewife, or obedient girlfriend? I cannot do that... and more importantly, I will not do that. I love Nii-san, but I have my own ways of thinking that cannot change so drastically... not even for him.

Would he want to run away from this place with me, so we can live in peace and happiness forever? Well... as pleasant as that would be to me, there is no way I can just magically stop attending to the duties of the Tohno.

But... more importantly...

"...I... I do not want him to stop being Nii-san."

No... I want him to remain just the way that he is. I want him to remain exactly this way... for better or for worse. Even though he does certain things that really anger me... I do not want that to change, ever.

Len walks over, and smiles. _"Well... how would you feel if this were real afterward?"_ Her somewhat rare voice in my head, once more.

"Ah..." I think. I remember how Nii-san reacted quite well, because of how shocking it was to me.

I smiled as I wished Nii-san a good morning after he woke up fairly early for him, and then when he looked flushed I felt his forehead... and he broke and ran.

…...…To be fair, I probably would too, if it were me and I had dreamed of Nii-san doing something to me... or watching as something was done to me. I, I was so... filthy, and depraved... in that vision...

...And rubbing myself, like Souka was.

The sight of this caused him to view me not as a sister, but as a woman... and so he gave in to the pleasure that had been building in his body...

…...And if Len is right... then... he was imagining it was my lips... and my mouth... that he was releasing into when he could not take it anymore...

...How... unfair... that Nii-san can have a dream like that, of me... and yet... I have had only nightmares...

_"You did have nightmares. But you are in control now, Akiha. Just remember... you are the creator of your dreams now. If you wish them, they will come true..."_

...She is right. I have not felt "him" in my soul since my nightmare on Thursday night, into Friday morning.

…...Then, I suppose if I want to dream of Nii-san... all I have to do is will it.

"A... Alright. Then, allow me to awaken, and I shall try to dream of Nii-san tonight."

Yes. Tonight, before Tohno Akiha goes away.

But Len... shakes her head. She points outside, to the window, where the sun is already beginning to rise.

"...M-Morning?ǃ But we've only been here for... what, fifteen minutes?ǃ" I exclaim.

My question is ignored. Len simply turns and walks back through the window.

"W-Wait! Len!" I try to chase her.

_"Sorry, Akiha."_ Her voice enters my head one last time.

And, just like my last dream, the world shatters into fragments...

* * *

...Such a perverted dream, that Nii-san had...  
...But... then again... he... had one of me... of me, doing those things...  
…...Why do I find that so... arousing...? I shouldn't, but...

* * *

Next Week (2/13/11) – Chapter 37: "Vicissitude of Consciousness"


	37. Vicissitudes of Consciousness

Chapter 37: "Vicissitudes of Consciousness"  
Sunday, November 3, 2002

* * *

...I awaken in my bed.

"Damn cat...!" I say as I flail around in my bed before awakening. Looking around, I see that she's already gone. There is no trace of her anywhere, and there is no evidence to show where she went.

...Smart. It must be that animal instinct of hers, knowing that she was in immediate danger, and making sure that she'd be nowhere near me by the time I woke up. It's a good thing she isn't here, or I'd definitely make her suffer.

After all... I remember fully what she did. I remember that dream entirely, all of the things she told me and all of the suggestive behavior that she did to me. To think that she would have the nerve to dare to do that to me, Tohno Akiha, of all people, is simply prepos–

...Wait.

…...I'm not supposed to be me today.

...But I'm already not me. The first thing out of my mouth today was an expletive.

That's not how Tohno Akiha greets her mornings. That's someone else. Usually Kohaku when she wakes up and stubs her toe.

...But then again... if she wanted to die for a day, this is absolutely convenient, isn't it?

"…...It can't be helped. Oh well," I say with a shrug of my shoulders.

Not like it matters, anyway. The person to whom it'd matter isn't here. Who cares what they think? I sure don't. What are they going to do, complain? Yeah, right. Who cares what a dead girl thinks?

Throwing the blankets off of me, I get out of bed, and head for the bathroom. Inside, I strip out of my nightgown, enter the shower and close the curtains, and crank up the hot water. Letting it heat up, I step over to the toilet, sit on it, and wait while I pee, spreading my thighs apart slightly and watching as a pale yellow stream flows out. Once it slows down, then eventually stops, I stand up and the toilet automatically flushes. I don't bother to wipe... after all, I'm about to get in the shower anyway, and it's not like a little pee on my fingers while I wash my body is going to kill me. It's nothing a little soap won't fix and sterilize anyway.

At the shower, I feel the water's temperature with my hand. Finding it pleasing, I step inside and fully plunge myself into it.

"Hahhhhhhh..." That feels _**SO**_ good. So hot that it's wonderful.

I always start with the hot water first. The hotter, the better, to the point where it even scalds my skin lightly. It ain't hot enough until it starts turning pink and I look like I'm smoking.

I turn on the cold water very slightly, just enough to temper the hottest heat, and stick my head fully underneath. I feel the water soaking into my hair, then my scalp, and eventually it begins to roll down my chest and my back.

It's a good way to wake up. I may be sleepy when I start, but I'm rarely so tired afterward. Hot water and cold water are both great for waking you up, but obviously I like hot water better.

Feeling my fleeting sleepiness lift, I begin to hum to myself as I soap and wash my body, paying careful attention to my underarms, chest, and legs. Places where potentially the most odor could come from.

There is a knock on my bathroom door. Turning towards it as it opens, I hear a familiar voice. "I'm bringing your clothes, Akiha-sama," Kohaku says as she enters. Her silhouette moves through the steam on the shower doors.

"Ah. Thank you, Kohaku." I smile to myself. "Just leave them on the sink, thanks. Don't worry about anything else but breakfast for now." Little does she know what I have planned for today.

"...Just breakfast? Are you feeling okay, Akiha-sama?" She asks, somewhat surprised.

Clever. Of course I would expect Kohaku to notice the change in my behavior straight off.

"Of course, Kohaku... I'm fine. Today is merely a wonderful day." I cannot help but feel myself smile, even as I rinse my hair of shampoo.

"...A wonderful day, Akiha-sama? You... You're not that happy about Culture Day usually. You enjoy it, but not that much, right?" Her confusion grows.

"What, I can't like Culture Day, Kohaku?" I ask.

"No, you can, Akiha-sama! It's just that you've never shown this level of interest in it before, so it's a little surprising is all...heh..."

"You, of all people, should know that it's possible for a person's attitudes or words to change, Kohaku, as you've done it before," I remind her. "Besides... Culture Day is a day for celebration, for everyone. It'd be rude for me to not celebrate one of the great holidays of my country, wouldn't it?"

"…...I see," Kohaku ultimately says. I can hear the confusion in her words as she carefully lays my clothing on the sink, and departs.

...Heh. She has no clue just what today will bring. Today, I plan on quite a few things, the second I get out of the house.

"...And what they don't know won't hurt them, heheh." I smirk to myself.

I already like this person. I like them a lot. I've never heard Kohaku so flustered and out of place before. It's such a rare event around me that I was beginning to think it was a small miracle to see her that way normally... but now I know it's possible to do that with just the right words and defying her expectations.

...I'll keep breaking them, then. Yeah. That sounds like fun. I feel my lips pull into a grin.

After rinsing my hair, I step out of the shower, feeling refreshed and renewed.

I feel... like a new person, honestly. That's good. I'm already beginning the day as someone else... then, let's keep it going. I want to enjoy this as long as I can.

I step into my clothing, and carefully comb and dry my long hair. It's difficult, but I have done this for years, so it's not as difficult as it would be to someone such as, say, Souka. That's one thing to envy her over, for sure. Hmph. Maybe I should cut my hair sometime...

I walk out after I've dried my hair, in my usual blouse and red dress. But... not for long. Today I'm going to get a new outfit.

An outfit Tohno Akiha wouldn't ever dare to wear.

But that's okay. Tohno Akiha won't be wearing it... someone else will be. So who cares what she thinks?

"Ah, good morning, Akiha-sama. Breakfast is ready." Kohaku smiles, and bows slightly. Greeting me as I step into the dining room. Looking at my usual place, there is a covered plate, covering what looks like hot food.

"Good timing, Kohaku. I'll be gone for a good deal of the day," I tell Kohaku with a slight wave of my hand as I walk over towards her.

"...Eh? Akiha-sama, I did not know you would be gone..." Kohaku's look of confusion returns.

"It's something unplanned," says the girl masquerading as Tohno Akiha, just waiting until she can shed her skin. "But don't worry about that for now. Besides, it'll give you time alone with Nii-san. You want that, don't you...?" She says this with a look that Tohno Akiha could not possibly give - a look that says "Go have sex with him."

As a result, Kohaku is immediately flustered and confused by this.

"A-Ah, Ahahaha... Y-Yes, Akiha-sama. I do." She swallows hard, as if a nervous stray animal backed into a corner. "A, Alright... then I will spend time with Shiki-san while you are gone."

"…...Good. Well then..." the doppelganger says with a coy smile, "...Have fun while I'm gone. But please clean up, and don't neglect your duties." With that, she strolls into the dining room, as Kohaku turns a very, very sharp red that matches the color of the stranger's dress.

* * *

The breakfast is delicious, of course. French Toast. A fine meal to start a fine day. Simple, quick to make, yet surprisingly tasty. A rich, fancy breakfast is one thing, but a simpler one has its own charm, and when full of flavor as this one was, is obviously made with love.

"Goodbye, you three. Kohaku, make sure you and Nii-san do not just stay inside all day. Go out and enjoy the festivals, too." I tell her with a slight knowing smile. Maybe they'll end up in a Ferris Wheel, kissing...

"Y-Yes, Akiha-sama. We will." She blushes slightly. She still looks like I'm going to tell her that I'm joking at any second. But no, the egg's on you, Kohaku.

"Hisui, I trust that you will ensure that Kohaku and Nii-san can keep to their duties until they leave?" I turn and ask her twin this question.

"...Of course, Akiha-sama." Hisui closes her eyes softly. "I will allow them time for themselves... but they will also be doing the usual amount of work they do."

"And what about when they leave? Will you accompany them?" I ask.

"Ah, well, actually... it would be best if Shiki-sama and Nee-san had some time to themselves..." she tells me in a somewhat shy voice.

No need to be shy, Hisui... but perhaps you know that if things got hot between those two, you would not want to be caught in the middle of it. Which is perfectly normal, I suppose.

"...Mmm. Very well then, as you wish. It's selfless and noble, though... And Len, if a problem comes up, you will come find me, of course." I turn to the smallest person who is standing in the foyer. The small girl simply nods in affirmation.

"Good. Well then, I'll be back later, but don't wait up on me. I have my keys, after all, so if you all leave, I'll let myself in, so don't worry," I announce.

With an enthusiastic wave, I bid a stunned Kohaku, a confused-yet-determined Hisui, and a slightly smirking Len farewell. I leave the mansion, for the first time in as long as I can remember, with no worries on my heart.

It's such a liberating feeling, to be able to just go where I want and do as I please without having to worry about any of my usual baggage or problems. I can't even remember the last time I got to relax. In my life, some problem or another seems to always come up, and I'm the one who has to go out there and scrub it all until it becomes clean... not necessarily something that's quick or easy.

I walk downtown, humming a song familiar to myself. The one that I really like. I inhale deeply as I take breaths for the song. The air is unusually warm for today. Culture Day. It's a bit rare for it to be this warm at this time of year, but I certainly won't complain. As usual, it's pretty sunny, so it is certainly a fine, late autumn day.

Before long, I find myself downtown. People walk all over around me, and most shops seem packed. I've been here many times, but always with a purpose.

Today, that purpose is me. And only me. Not anybody else but me. Well... okay, maybe the others are still important too. That's why I'm going to buy them small things. Shirts. Nothing huge.

A purse, hung over my shoulder, with plenty of money in it; perhaps 40,000 yen. I don't think I'll need any more than that, but if worse comes to worse, I have my bank cards on me. I don't want to go crazy on spending, to be sure, but if I can be prepared, it makes no sense to be some dumb fool who blows all their–

"...Hey..."

A shirt catches my eye. It's a rather nice-looking T-Shirt. It says something in English.

I wrack my brain, trying to remember all those English lessons. I don't practice it too regularly, so some of it is slipping from my mind. That's bad. I need to practice it more often, or I'm going to forget all of it, and that's a disaster down the road if I don't do something to stop it.

...Hmm…... "Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off."

I immediately burst out laughing. This shirt is _**PERFECT**_ for Hisui! I have to get it. I'm still laughing as I walk into the store.

The people inside are pretty surprised someone like me would come in, especially since I'm laughing like a mad woman, but I'm not thinking about that right now and don't really care what they think anyway. I walk up to the counter. "That shirt... haha, that shirt in the window. How much... heheh... how much is it?"

"U-Uh..." The young man who's perhaps my age looks at me a little nervously. "About... 2,500 yen...?"

"Good. I want one... eheh..." I do my best to control myself as I hand him the money in crisp bills. He nods, and immediately gets me the shirt, and bags it.

"Thanks," I announce with a slight wave as I turn and depart, having finally calmed down. Everyone's staring by now, but it can't be helped, can it?

I keep on walking outside of the store, down the sidewalk, looking at some of the other shirts on display. Lots of people, male and female alike, look at me as I walk down the street, smiling.

...I wonder what their thoughts are? Perhaps some of the men want me. Perhaps some of the girls are jealous of me. It's okay for them to feel that way... after all, hearts must be broken sometimes.

As I walk along, I stop at another shirt store, with shirts lined up on display, prominently, for the window.

"Hmm...?" A second one catches my eye. I read it.

"She who must be obeyed."

...A wide grin breaks out on my face. This store is the one for me.

* * *

An hour later, I emerge, no longer wearing my blouse or red dress.

Instead, I'm wearing my new clothing.

Which is, in fact, virtually identical to the clothing I saw myself wearing earlier. Even the shorts – which are jean shorts. They feel strange around my legs, but all in all, it's not an unpleasant feeling as I thought it'd be. Actually, if anything, the wind blowing on my now exposed legs feels good even though it gives me goosebumps and makes me blush a little more, making me more self-conscious. To have so much skin exposed... how... sexual.

And lightweight. My usual dress is somewhat heavy. It's certainly hard to blow up even in the harshest of winds. With these shorts, there is nothing to blow up... so how light it feels makes me almost worry if wind will catch in the leg holes and reveal my underwear.

...But that's a silly thing to think about. They're jean shorts. They fit well on my body, so such a thing will never happen.

With my old clothing in a bag, I walk along, humming. It feels... so great to be freed from my usual dress. Aside from my nightgown, it seems all I wear are either my Asagami uniform, or my usual dress. Once in awhile, then... something like this may not be too bad. Even if it feels weird to me now, that'll be less and less as I get more comfortable in outfits like these.

...Is this literally what people mean when they talk about escaping themselves? Because if that's the case, it's good enough that Tohno Akiha might die a little more often from now on. Certainly I've never done this before, but this sort of thing is just what may be needed, from time to time, to get away from it all.

The humming turns into whistling before long. It stops, along with my body, when I spy another shirt, this one just perfect for Kohaku. "I'm the chef, that's why!" it says. Before long, it too is purchased and joins my ever-growing bag collection.

...Hmm. Who else can I buy shirts for while I'm at it?

I have ones for myself, Hisui, and Kohaku. I need to get one for Shiki, of course. Hmm... I could certainly get ones for Souka, Hanei, and Seo. Oh, and Yumizuka-san! I can't forget her, that'd be just rude...

...Yeah, I think I like that. One for all of my family, and one for my closest friends. That's probably what most people do, anyway.

I look around in the shops. One by one, I find them all ones with things that fit wonderfully.

For Shiki, "I ❤ my Little sister." Something simple and to the point... and while he will probably never wear such a shirt, he will treasure it anyway. That's fine.

For Souka, Something with a band on it. I'm pretty sure she will like it. I think this is her favorite band, anyway. It's expensive, so it must be authentic and not a knock-off. Either way, Souka isn't the one to complain much about these things. Indeed, doing this may make her blush... which I admit would be rather cute to see.

For Hanei, "Don't need a permit for these guns." Referring, of course, to her chest. Then again, I don't think Hanei would even know what a permit is for the most part. If she doesn't get the joke, I'd better tell her quickly, or else she may go into a permit line and ask "Where do I get the permit for these?" while grabbing her own bust.

For Seo, Something with a variety of manga characters on it. Some look cute. Some look brave. I don't recognize any of them, but I'm sure that she could point out each and every one, along with why she likes them and her favorite issue or episode of their relevant series.

For Yumizuka-san, owing to her lack of clothing, she gets a whole new outfit. It's nothing too special – just a nice, black top, and a pair of jean shorts, somewhat like mine. The poor girl has clothes that just seem to constantly give perverts the hope of peeping up her skirt... well, she'll have at least one pair of lower clothing that will disappoint them, now.

Perfect, perfect, perfect! They're going to love them, I'm sure. I can't wait for their reactions! Those reactions are almost worth how much it took to purchase them... not that it was a whole lot of money anyway, but that's not the point!

I walk out, grinning widely to myself. Souka, Hanei, and Seo will have to wait until tomorrow, but I can give Shiki, Hisui, and Kohaku their shirts when I go home.

I giggle hard to myself when I imagine their expressions upon receiving them all.

Walking along, I hear my stomach make a loud groan. Ah... so it's hungry too. Well, of course. It's been a few hours since I ate Kohaku's breakfast. While a fine meal to start the day, it's certainly not something that you can expect to keep you full for the whole day.

I decide to stop for something light to eat for now before I go to the park, because I feel a little hungry and I've burned off most of the energy that Kohaku's breakfast had given me. Well, according to my stomach, anyway. I don't feel too hungry, but it decides these things, not me, so I'd better listen.

I spy a food vendor not too far away. I walk over with my bags, setting them down once he acknowledges me.

"Good afternoon, miss," he tells me with a slight bow of his head. "What can I get you?"

"Hmm," I say as I look over the choices. "Ah, the hot dog please. With ketchup, mustard, and extra relish. And a Volt Cola to drink." So daring...

...And so fattening! But who cares right now? Nobody's going to tell me what I can and can't eat.

"Alright then," the vendor tells me. "That'll be 450 yen."

Calmly, I give the man a 500 yen bill, which he takes without question and hands me back my change, in the form of a 50 yen coin. I then watch as he puts a fresh pair of latex gloves on, opens up a bun, and puts my hot dog inside with a pair of tongs, before adding generous amounts of ketchup, mustard, and relish, as asked. He puts it in a container, then reaches over to a nearby cooler, and pulls out a tall, glass bottle – 590 milliliters – and hands it over to me. Its characteristic yellow lightning bolt and mascot endear it to many students who are cramming a few more hours of study before an ever-important test.

"Thank you," I tell him. "Have a good day."

"Pleasant day to you, miss," he replies with a smile and a wave.

I walk over to a nearby bench with my food. It's hot, freshly cooked. The smell of ketchup, mustard, and relish wafts into my nose, filling it with the intoxicating scent. My mouth waters, wanting me to bite into this meal.

"I-ta-da-ki-ma-su~~~!" I bite into it. In the interest of culture, after all. Western culture.

...Chew. Chew some more.

Swallow.

...It's Juicy. Thick. Good. A little bit of relish runs down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it up with one of the napkins I got.

I chew. I swallow. It's wonderful. Sinfully delicious, even, but at this point, I'm a sinner and I don't care. This isn't what I usually eat either, but that's what makes it even more interesting to me... something bold, something new.

The wind blows, giving me a bit of a massage as I enjoy my lunch on the sunny and slightly cool day. Crowds of people shuffle past me, not even noticing my existence. Tohno Akiha would no doubt get almost immediate stares.

But I'm no longer Tohno Akiha. Today, I'm someone else. I wish I knew her name, because I'd love to find out more about her. She intrigues me with her brash confidence.

Setting down my hot dog for the moment, I reach over for the bottle, and feel it. It's cold in my hand, and some of the coldness has began to condense on the bottle, making my palm slightly moist as well.

Oh well, no matter. I bite the bottle cap lightly, and I rip the bottle away. With a slight hiss, the cap comes free. I spit it into a nearby garbage can, and then begin to drink my carbonated refreshment.

…...?

Strange. I just felt a feeling like I'm being watched by someone...

I look around. All that greets my vision is a busy crowd, walking everywhere, chatting with each other. Nobody that I recognize is in that crowd, at least not as far as I can see.

"Huh... probably my imagination. Oh well. Maybe they're jealous of this delicious hot dog." I laugh.

I resume my drink, and feel the pressure of the gas building in my lungs, even as I swallow. Before long, I pull the bottle from my mouth, wait a few moments, and then burp. I wipe my mouth with one of my napkins, before setting the bottle down again and resuming my meal.

...But soon enough, I feel it again. This time I turn immediately.

And there... is a girl. She looks, in a word, stunned at the sight before her. Her mouth is agape, and it's trying to form words, but her voice is failing to find itself, and so her lips move uselessly.

She swallows, and it's only then that her throat manages to make the noises needed to speak.

"...T…...Tohno-senpai…...?"

"…...Seo...?"

* * *

...What's Seo doing here? Huh. I'm amazed she recognized me.  
Well, no matter. It oughta be fun to hang with her a bit...  
...If she can handle it, that is. Heheh...

* * *

Next Week (2/20/11) – Chapter 38: "Every Artist Has a Price!"


	38. Every Artist Has A Price!

Chapter 38: "Every Artist Has A Price!"

* * *

"I... Is that really you, Tohno-senpai?" Seo Akira blinks and walks over to me, studying me as if I'm some animal in a zoo.

"...Uh... you don't have to stare at me like that, Seo," I tell her as I pick up my drink and take a swig from it. After a few moments of gas building, I'm forced to pull it away from my lips and belch once more.

"W-Wah! It _**IS**_ you, Tohno-senpai!" She looks stunned and flustered. "Y... You're... actually out of the house...?"

"...Yeah. And? You act like I don't leave the house, Seo. I leave the house every day we have class, you know." I take a bite out of my hot dog.

"B-But... you're not in your dress... you're eating a hot dog loaded with stuff on it... uh... you're dressed in clothing you wouldn't normally be caught dead wearing!" She looks at me in complete disbelief.

"...Your point? People change." I shrug matter-of-factly and swallow my chewed hot dog.

"Kyaaa! You talked with your mouth full!" Her jaw does not re-close after this statement, allowing one to look inside of Seo Akira's mouth and note the white, perfectly aligned teeth inside.

I blink. What's so unusual about this, really? "You're starting to weird me out, Seo," I tell her. "Spit it out, I'm kind of hungry here."

"Ah... ahahahaha..." She scratches her head nervously, color draining from her face slightly.

I sigh. She's got that same look Kohaku had earlier, honestly. Almost exactly so. What's so surprising about this, really...?

"What, I can't relax from time to time? Jeez, Seo. I'm a hard worker, but not a workaholic. I don't live just to sign papers." Another bite.

…...And a THUD causes me to stop chewing. Seo Akira has fainted.

I swallow what's in my mouth and sigh a bit, putting my hot dog back in its container for now, and I lift her onto the bench by me, sitting her body up and pulling her skirt down so that her underwear isn't exposed, much to the disappointment of the perverts in the crowd who would like to see the underwear of a 15 year-old schoolgirl. She'll recover in a few minutes, I'm sure.

Fainting over something like this... it's stupid. What... just because I'm a little different, it's going to freak her out that much? God, it's not like I'm suddenly running away to join the circus or something. There's no reason for her to pass out over it.

I watch over her as I resume my lunch, ensuring she doesn't fall off of the bench by keeping her legs flat and her back against the back of the bench by using my own legs, as if Seo were some kind of leg rest or footstool. Sure enough, she begins to regain her consciousness as I'm finishing up my meal. With a slight moan and a shake of her head, I can see her head turn towards me, out of the corner of my eye, as I'm sucking my fingers clean.

"...T-Tohno-senpai..." She blinks and watches as I suck on them.

"Mmm?" I look up at her with one of my fingers in my mouth before I realize she's awake. I pull it out and wipe it on a napkin. "Ah, you're awake Seo." Her pupils begin to constrict slightly as her eyes regain their focus on my hand, and the color seems to be faintly returning. "Welcome back to the land of the living. Population plus one now that you're among it."

"Y-Yeah... uh... I fainted, didn't I?" One of her hands goes to her forehead and she shakes her head, in an attempt to get blood flowing to her brain once more.

"Sure did. I pulled you onto the bench. You've been out only a moment or two, so don't worry. Try not to be so shocked next time." A good, long swig of my cola follows. Acidic. Sweet. I burp after a few moments of drinking it, to which Seo turns about as red as her gym bloomers.

"...What? Is something on my face?" I wipe my chin and cheeks with my hand. Nothing. There's nothing on them then, so what gives...?

"N-No... it's just so..." she sighs. "...Nevermind. Uh... hey, Tohno-senpai... wanna go shopping with me?" She quickly changes the subject... probably so that she doesn't risk fainting anymore. "I was gonna pick up art supplies, but if you're here, it'd be nice to go with a friend." She looks at me almost as if expecting the answer no.

"Sure," I reply coolly. "In fact, after that, how about we call up Hanei and Souka afterward, and see if they want to go to the amusement park? It's Culture Day after all, and it's a very warm one this year. We should all relax and enjoy the day. I'll even pay for the tickets."

Seo Akira's eyes widen before they roll back into her head and her body collapses onto the bench. If it weren't for my legs, she probably would have fallen right off.

"…...You fainted again, Seo. And did it indecently, too... Jeez, you're worse than Shiki at this rate." I sigh as I sit up, and pull her back into an upright, rather than a slumped position. After that, I buy some water from the vendor I got my food from while ignoring the terribly amused look he has on his face, and when I return to Seo, I uncap it, take a swig, and then begin to pour it on her face. It revives her immediately, and she sits up, coughing, shaking her head and wiping the water from her face with her hands.

"...Uwaaahhhh... I fainted again... Tohno-senpai's being way too weird..." she mutters to herself, half-lucidly.

"Awake now? Come on, let's get to that store. If you wait too long, your supplies won't be there." I stretch my arms hard and let out a satisfied groan as I do so, before grabbing my cola and giving Seo what's left of the water. "Here. You could probably use it, if for no other reason than for me to throw more on your face if you pass out a third time."

Seo literally looks at me like I'd just said I were a Martian. But soon she sighs, shrugs her shoulders, and gets up off the bench, regaining her footing after a few moments. Together, we walk to the Midori-chou Mall.

* * *

"Is that everything you want, Seo?" I ask her as I count out the bills on the counter.

"Y... Yeah," she says, awestruck. "...Y, You don't have to buy me all of this though, Tohno-senpai... I was going to reserve and put some money down on some of it..."

"Nonsense. I've got the money, so why not?" I turn back towards the counter. "Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen thousand and five... hundred." I push the stack of bills forward.

The young woman attending the counter smiles. "Thank you very much for your business!" she announces as she puts the money in the cash register, hands me my receipt, and then begins to bag up Seo's purchase... or rather, the purchase that I made for Seo. The way the cashier bags it, it's certainly the biggest sale she's made today. Maybe even longer than that.

...Well, I suppose I'm simply in a happiness-granting mood at the moment.

Happiness is something we all get in unfortunately too small of a dose. That which makes life on this world more tolerable is a very fleeting thing. When you don't have it, you want it, and when you have it, you want it to never end.

...Unfortunately, all good things have to come to an end, eventually. Just like life, itself, must one day end for us all, even though we don't want it to.

Before long, the woman bags up everything and holds the bags out towards me. "Pleasant day to you!" she announces with a smile. Unlike the supplies, the smile is free.

"Thanks, you too," I say with a smile of my own as I take the bags from her, then I walk over and hold them out to Seo. "Here you go, Seo. That's everything, yes?"

She stares at the bags, and then me, as if expecting me to say that she will owe me something if she accepts.

"...Well? Come on, Seo, I can't hold these forever. Hurry up, before my arms begin to cramp up."

"...R-Right! Sorry, Tohno-senpai!" she says, as if giving into fate, and with a nod, she takes both the bags. She waits for what she must think is some inevitable condition for her to have the bags...

...But it never comes. I have no intention of making her owe me anything. This is, after all, a gift. Her happiness is most of the payment for me.

"So, do you want to come with me to the amusement park or not? I never got an answer, because you decided to pass out." I rest my hands on my hips. I wish she'd make her mind up.

She blinks for a few seconds, seemingly surprised that I'm reminding her of this and offering her the choice once more. "Uh, sure! I'd planned on just going to do some festival stuff by myself, but the park sure beats that any day!"

"Alright then. One question down, one to go. Do you have Hanei and Souka's number in your cell phone, Seo?" I ask.

"Uhh, I think so... hang on." She sets down the bags and she begins to check through it. "...Yeah, it's in here, Tohno-senpai."

"Would you rather call them, or do you want me to?"

"I can do it," she says. She pushes a few buttons and then holds the phone up to her ear. For my part, I smile and sit down at a nearby bench, while I listen to one side of the conversation.

"...Hello, Hanei-san? It's Akira-chan! ...Ah, everything is good, thank you. Uh, hey, are you doing anything? ...Well, I ran into Tohno-senpai, and she wants to know if you and Souka-san want to come to the amusement park with us…..."

She lowers her voice slightly... not that I won't hear it still.

"...Yes, I'm sure it's Tohno-senpai! And she's in this really weird but good mood…... Oh yeah... Yeah, Culture Day. Surely you can manage to sneak out though, right...? ... Uhh, right now? We're at the Midori-chou mall's art shop. I got some art supplies - well, actually, Tohno-senpai bought them, but... Yes, she did! I'm not going to lie to you about that, Hanei-san... uhhh, right... it's..." She pulls her phone away for a moment. "...12:30, just about... within a half an hour? Great! See you then, Hanei-san!"

She hangs up, pushes a few more buttons, and puts her phone to her ear once more. She waits a few moments before speaking, as no doubt Souka had to slip away to answer her phone. "Hi, Souka-san, this is Akira... uhh, me and Hanei-san and Tohno-senpai are going to the amusement park. Do you want to come...? …...Oh... oh, I didn't know you had to tend to your family's shrine today... Well, that's a bummer... uhhhhhhhhh, I can get you something, Souka-san! ...Yeah, I'll try to win a nice big prize, like a guitar or something! ...Hey, what's so funny?ǃ" Seo listens for a few more moments before angrily closing the clasp on her phone.

Seems Souka had a teeny little bit of fun at her expense just now, to which I only have one thing to say... good girl.

Seo puts her phone back in her purse, carefully. "Sorry, Tohno-senpai. Souka-san can't come, but Hanei-san said she'll be here within half an hour or so."

"I didn't think Souka could come anyway, Seo," I say. "It's too bad. I would've liked to spend some time with her today, too." ...Especially considering that if she came, I would be able to ask my questions a little early... "But it's still nice to invite her, after all." I smile.

"Yeah. Hanei said she'd be glad to get out for a little while. She seems relieved... everyone's giving her crap to do." She laughs a bit, and so do I.

"Well, getting Hanei out of doing things for everyone is good for her from time to time," I say. "How long has it been since you went to the amusement park, Seo?"

"Mmm... about three months I'd say?" She taps her finger slightly on her lips as she thinks. "Last time I went... yeah, probably the middle of August..."

"Well, this'll probably be the last time we get to go this year, so let's make it count," I tell her. "You want something to eat or drink while we wait for Hanei?"

"Ah, no thank you. I don't want to impose..." She laughs nervously.

"Suit yourself." I walk to the vending machine and put some money in, getting a bottle of water for myself. Seo hmms, and decides that putting her new sketchpad and tools to use to be a good way of killing time. She pulls them out, finds a good vantage point, and she begins to lightly pencil in lines and forms, that before long will take the shape of something that I could see.

I watch her as she draws. Fascinating speed, really. Within about five minutes, she has a quick sketch of the scene from her position. About ten minutes after that, she has enough structural details down that I can recognize things and places. It's clear that she's been practicing hard. I watch her tilt the sketchpad slightly, and her tongue hangs slightly out of her mouth, in between firmly-pressed lips, as she focuses hard on her drawing, occasionally looking up before returning her gaze to her sketchpad.

Ten more after that, a voice causes us both to turn our heads. "Akira-chan! Akiha-chan!" The voice of Misawa Hanei rings out, alerting us to her presence. Hanei races over as best as she can with that chest of hers, before stopping and getting a look at me. The heaving of her chest up and down from running would surely be something most boys would fight to witness, even though Hanei is fully clothed.

"Wow... she wasn't kidding about you being different, Akiha-chan. You're even dressed differently!" Hanei exclaims as only Hanei can. "What are you going to do next? Dye your hair? Get velcro shoes?"

"...No, Hanei, I don't think I'm going to go that far," says the girl who is masquerading as someone she knows. "Anyway, a change of pace is nice once in awhile," I say with a smile as I throw my hair over my shoulder a bit. "When was the last time you went to the amusement park, Hanepin?"

"Uhhhh... late spring? Early summer? Somewhere around there, I think..." She scratches her head.

"Well, this will probably be your last chance to go, unless you are a fan of going when it is cold and snowing out," I tell her. "Too bad Souka probably isn't coming, but she can call Seo or me if she can duck out of her duties early. Anyway... shall we?" I smile.

...Hanei looks at me almost like I've lost it.

"...What? I'm not entitled to fun every so often?" I look at her. "Or is this because I want you two to come with me?"

"…...No, of course you are, Akiha-chan!" Hanei says with much surprise. "It's just... uhhhhhhh... usually you don't care about that stuff..."

"...Silly Hanei. I like to have fun as much as anyone else." I laugh.

This draws even more blank stares somehow. Silently, both Hanei and Seo blink in disbelief.

Is it really that hard for someone to simply want to have fun? To get out of their usual, boring, daily routine every once in awhile? This is why people take vacations... they cannot avoid their work forever, but they can take a week or two off to pursue leisure time... until the next year, anyway, when they can do it once more.

I don't think they'd understand, but oh well.

For some reason, they seem to think that I'm the sort of person who never likes to have any kind of fun, that I enjoy being stuffed up in a house all day. Well, I don't. I'm sick of it. Sick and tired. There's some days where I want to just run outside and scream. Since I can't do that, this'll have to do.

Besides... it's not like I'm not having fun. I'm actually somewhat amused at how both Seo and Hanei are reacting to me. Clearly, they weren't expecting me to be this way... that just makes this current state of mind all the more endearing to me, at the moment.

"Anyway! Come on. The park won't stay open forever, you know, and the days are getting shorter." With this, I walk off towards the park entrance.

With a collective nod, Seo and Hanei agree, and Hanei runs after me. Seo catches up to us both after stowing her sketchpad.

* * *

Soon enough, we're in line for tickets, surprisingly. It seems we're not the only one taking advantage of perhaps one of the last pleasant days before colder winds force us all indoors for four or five months. There's a line of people out here, a pretty long one considering how late in the year it is. Usually, it's never this bad except from late spring to early fall, but it seems like the nice weather has made people come out in droves.

"So uh... what made you decide you wanted to take a trip like this, Akiha-chan?" Hanei asks me while we wait in line.

"Simple: No reason," I coolly tell her. "I did it because when I stepped out this morning, it was a wonderful, gorgeous, late autumn day. Such days tend to make me feel the happiest, so it was really a no-brainer to take a day like today and ensure something good is gotten out of it. After all, I'd never turn down a request from my friends, and I don't think they should turn down either, if they can help it."

"...Uhhhhh, 'kay!" Hanei replies in her traditional "I don't understand a word of what you just said" way.

Fortunately for me, Seo is more perceptive than this.

"...So you wanted to just hang out with us? Is that what you're trying to say, Tohno-senpai?"

"In a nutshell... yes, Seo," I tell her. "Every once in awhile, it's good to just get out of the house. I simply wanted to get out of it today a little more than I normally would have wanted to, I guess," I tell her with a smile.

"You should do it more often, Akiha-chan," Hanei tells me with a beaming, radiant smile. "It's no fun if you're cooped up inside that big house all day! This way, you can play with me more often, too!"

Seo Akira sprays water through her nostrils upon hearing that.

"...You may wish to be a little more careful of your choice of words, Hanei. Seo is particularly vulnerable to blasting drinks out of her nose when she's around you, and you know this."

"...Oh, right! Uhhhh... sorry, Akira-chan. And Akiha-chan!" She nods afterward, as if agreeing with herself.

Eventually, we walk up to the teller. "Three tickets, please. And, ah, student discount." I pull out my ID card from Asagami. After a moment of fumbling in their purses, so do Seo and Hanei.

"...Ah, Asagami? Wow. Don't see lots of you here... let's see, that's 30% off, so for three people... 3675 yen."

_No problem_, I think to myself, as I calmly pull out a 5000 yen bill and hand it to her. She takes it, gives me the change, and hands us our entrance tickets. I'm all but set to enter the park, when a poster on the ticket booth catches my eye.

"...Huh. 'Ride all day' day, is it?" I ask pointlessly. "How much is it?"

"Yes," the vendor says. "That's 1500 yen per person, but just show them the bracelet and you can ride all day."

"Everything?" I ask.

"Yeah, anything that would otherwise require ride tickets," the cashier informs us. "There's some rides that take actual money to get on still. But those bracelets will be good for anything that uses tickets."

Another 5000 yen bill is out and in front of her by the time she finishes speaking, making the already-shocked looks on Seo and Hanei's faces grow even more shocked.

...They act like I never buy them anything, or never do things with them. Of course I do; I don't see why this is so hard for them to understand. I want my friends to have fun.

More importantly…... I want to have fun with my friends, too.

One of the simplest things someone can have is the ability to just go out and have a good time. That's what friends are for, to ensure that you do have a good time, and to strengthen the bonds between the groups that go.

"Tohno-senpai, you don't really have to pay for _**EVERYTHING**_ today, you know..." Seo sounds slightly embarrassed, like she's being greedy. Turning to her, I see that both she and Hanei are blushing very slightly. Hanei simply nods silently in agreement, rather than actually say something.

"Don't worry about it, Seo. I'm more than happy to indulge my friends every once in awhile," I say with a slight smile. "Just don't expect me to do it every time, of course."

"R-Right!" She laughs nervously. Well, I can't blame her.

In my altered state, I am a bit more spend-thrifty, I suppose, but not without restraint. I have gotten gifts for my friends, and I am going to have fun with them today. I am going to walk around with them, and ride on rides with them, and just generally have a good time with them.

Why? Because friends are important. Very important. Sometimes they cost money, but lots of things in life cost money, and you only have so many people who you can call a friend in this world... especially close friends, like myself, Hanei, Seo, and Souka are.

If that does not justify spending a little bit of money, then what does?

Still, I did spend most of the cash I had, between buying the shirts, Yumizuka-san's new outfit, Seo's supplies, and now this trip to the amusement park; however, I still have a few thousand yen left. That should certainly be more than enough, though, even if we do stop to eat. Anyone who's been to a park like this knows how expensive the food can get... a simple snack might be 300, 400, even 500 yen. The quality also varies wildly, but generally, it's worth it, because sometimes you can only get certain kinds of food, made a certain way, here.

The cashier hands over three bracelets. They're all colored a very pleasant shade of orange.

"Here you go then! Enjoy your day!" She announces to us as she smiles.

"Thank you. Pleasant day to you," I say as I take the wristbands. I hand over two to Seo and Hanei, and then apply mine to my own wrist, and so do they. "Well! Let's go have some fun, huh?" I smile.

With that, the three of us walk into the park.

* * *

It is rare that I get to enjoy times like this with my friends.  
Sure, it may not be with the girl they know, but...  
It's still worth it, regardless of whether I'm Tohno Akiha or someone else.

* * *

Next Week (2/27/11) – Chapter 39: "The More Things Change..."


	39. The More Things Change

Chapter 39: "The More Things Change..."

* * *

"Wow, there's lots of people here, Akiha-chan!" Hanei shouts.

"Tons of them!" Seo Akira chimes in.

Indeed, the place is absolutely packed. Well, it's stupidly obvious... with such a line outside, it'd be silly to think that the inside wouldn't be just as packed.

Together, we all are taking in the sights. The closest section of it to us is the "American Side." Designed to look like an American city, I guess. I've never been to America, though I know a few people who have.

English, along with Japanese in smaller script to help translate and guide phonetically where appropriate, is everywhere. I have no problem reading it, but Seo furrows her brows a bit, and Hanei looks fairly confused.

"...Gif...to shoopu?" Seo is doing her very best to pronounce "Gift Shop" as an English speaker would. I should probably note that while Seo is passable at _**WRITTEN**_ English, her _**PRONOUNCIATION**_ isn't quite up to snuff.

"Gift shop," I say in English with as minimal an accent as possible, before continuing on in Japanese. "Compared to Japanese, English often drops that last vowel sound. Their words can end in a pure consonant, while Japanese usually cannot unless the word ends with an 'n.'"

"Oh! Right! Uhh... Gift shop!" she offers, albeit in a heavily flavored Japanese accent. It's not perfect, but under the circumstances, it's about the best I could expect from her. I nod in approval, making her smile a bit.

"That's better," I tell her. "Just keep practicing. If you don't practice, you won't learn it... but we're not here to dwell on lessons, we're here to have fun. So don't dwell on it too much right now." I laugh.

So does Seo. "You're right, Tohno-senpai. Come on! I'll race you to the roller coaster!"

"Heh, you're on!" I brace myself and begin running. Seo takes off like a rocket, but I'm able to keep pace due to having slightly longer strides.

"…...Hey, wait up!" The voice of Misawa Hanei yells out behind us. She begins running after us as well, as best as she can.

* * *

By the time the sun is going down, I am pretty thoroughly exhausted. As we all are, really. But we're all laughing happily even through our exhaustion. I have no doubt all three of us will sleep very deeply and soundly tonight, after having such a fun-filled day.

We all have lined up at the Ferris Wheel. The lighting on it glows in a multitude of different colors and patterns. And at 115 meters tall, it's nice and big. It was the world's biggest one until just a few years ago.

Soon enough, we are all in our little car, and we begin going skyward. Hanei looks out the window a little nervously, her hands clenching the metal bar inside the car pretty hard.

"Don't worry, Hanei." I laugh. "This thing is very safe. Cars do not just snap off of a Ferris Wheel, you know... usually, anyway."

"Yeah, and if we all do go smashing into the ground, at least we'll all die together!" Seo Akira offers in her thoughts, before laughing her head off.

"...Wahhhh..." This just makes Hanei grow even more pale, and begin to shake.

"...Seo, if you'd like to test that theory, I can have it arranged, you know..." I lean in closer to her as I speak.

"...Ah... ahahaha. N, No, Tohno-senpai, that won't be necessary..." She shrinks back a little into her seat, and swallows nervously.

"Good," I say with a smile that's not completely non-malicious. "Hanei, ignore what Seo said. She is just trying to scare you. Ferris Wheels are probably amongst the most checked amusement park rides, so there is very little to worry about."

"Y-Yeah... but... I've never been in one..." She sounds a bit scared.

"Oh? So you are probably scared of heights then, huh?" I ask her.

Hanei simply nods slightly, staring at the floor in between my sneakers.

"Well, there's no need to be scared of heights here. You're in a car, after all. A very sturdy, secure car, held up by two rings," I say with a smile. "The whole Ferris Wheel would have to catastrophically fail... and the chances of that are very, very slim, Hanei."

Misawa Hanei loudly swallows, and shakes in her seat.

"...Jeez, all of these precautions these people take in order to make this ride perfectly safe, and you're still that afraid we're going to fall and die?" I laugh slightly.

Hanei nods nervously.

"Well then... hold onto me if you'd like to. Perhaps it will make you feel better." I extend my arms for her to hug me close to her, if she desires.

She looks at me, blinking for a moment, as if it was unusual to hug me. Before long, she scrambles over towards my seat and clings to me rather hard. I can feel her shaking slightly...

...And a little bit of her breasts since she is pushing into me. But I pretend not to notice this, just patting her back and rubbing it.

"Don't worry. I got you," I tell her. "Everything is going to be just fi–"

A loud **POP** interferes with both of our thoughts.

"KYAAA!" Hanei cries out and clutches me firmly, wrapping her arms around me in a bearhug. "I-I don't want to die!" My head is shoved very firmly into her chest, stifling my breathing against her large bust, the faint smell of cherry blossom-scented perfume flowing into my nostrils with what little room to breathe that I have.

"Hanei... settle... down!" I manage to pull myself away from her chest, with some force. "We're not falling, so we're not going to die!"

"...Huh? Then what was–"

"Whoa, they're starting the fireworks, Tohno-senpai!" The voice of Seo Akira gets both of our attention, and as we look at her she scrambles to turn around in her seat, in the direction of the pop.

Another one bursts, this one within my vision. A very golden yellowish-orange that fades down to deep amber before disappearing into black.

I feel Hanei's grip loosen on me, and she slowly looks out the car... and within moments, moves to get a better look. Her fear, all but forgotten, in the magic of a technicolor explosion.

Hanei has always been fascinated by fireworks. The way she looks up at them, mouth slightly opened and eyes watering slightly, watching silently and attentively... it almost feels like she wants to fly with them. To be with them.

Thanks to luck and fate, today, she is.

I dare not disturb this moment, this memory we will all share for some time, as they explode, one by one.

**POP.** A brilliant emerald green star that becomes darker as it falls, before fading out as all light is destined to do in some way.

_**SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE...**_ a shell makes a screeching noise and seems to shoot up from the ground. From our position, it seems like we can reach out and touch it as it explodes with a **BANG** and creates a circular burst, of blue and amber. If you squint carefully, it almost looks like the Earth, as seen from space.

_**PTHUNK.**_ It sounds like a mortar being lobbed into the air, almost, as the next shell launches... which is VERY interesting to me as it looks rather like a Japanese flag as it bursts.

I hug both of my friends around their shoulders, and together we watch as, for our whole trip, seemingly as if it was a private show for us and only us, the shells burst by the dozens, if not the hundreds, during our sixteen minute trip on the wheel.

Needless to say, Hanei is all smiles as she steps off. It is as if she never was scared at all.

"You seem to have lost your fear of it once the show started, Hanepin," I comment with a slight smile.

"It was amazing, Akiha-chan!" The happy expression on Hanei's face clearly shows her approval. "We should do it again sometime!"

"We will, we will. Next year, probably. For now, though... I'm pretty hungry. How about you two?"

"Uhh, sure!" says Hanei. "But... where's Akira-chan?"

"...What do you mean, 'where's Akira-chan?'" I ask, as I look to Hanei. There's one. "Seo's probably right behin–"

I turn around. Distantly, in the crowd, is "two." And she's already running towards the food vendors.

I sigh. She probably would have stuck around if she knew I were buying food, too.

* * *

"Hey... Tohno-senpai." Seo looks up from her slice of pizza as she bites it. She claims it was in the interest of "Italian culture," but I think Seo just saw me eating that hot dog earlier and decided having something unhealthy but tasty would be only fair, so I don't really argue with it, especially since she's the one who bought it.

I swallow the bite of my own slice that I've chewed in my mouth. "Hm? What is it Seo?"

She motions her head over a little in the direction of where Hanei walked off a minute ago. When I turn to look, I see that a boy is talking to her, and she's laughing happily with him.

"…...Hmm." I look him over. He's fairly decent looking. Certainly engaging her in conversation...

...and also continually glancing down at Hanei's breasts.

I sigh. Another one of _**those**_ types... the type Hanei is too naive to know when they're trying to take advantage of her. It's a good thing we're nearby...

"...Seo, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I ask her without looking in her direction.

"...That he's not a good fit for her and that you're gonna step in?" Seo asks, clearly in agreement of disapproving of Hanei's potential new suitor.

"Bingo. Watch my stuff, will you?" I set my slice down, and begin to crack my knuckles as I get up from the table.

"Gotcha!" She turns a bit so she can see in that direction a little better, as I begin to walk towards the pair. I think Seo's beginning to get a little bit of sick amusement out of me sticking up for Hanei when she's around... but this new person currently inhabiting Tohno Akiha's body doesn't mind sticking up for her friends either.

I hear their conversation as I begin to get closer.

"...Just here with some friends," Hanei says.

"Friends? I hope they're as cute as you are, because I don't see you having anything but the prettiest friends." He smiles, making Hanei blush deeply in embarrassment. I decide to make my presence known.

"Then you tell me," I say loudly. Both Hanei and the boy turn to me.

Hanei smiles. "Oh, hi Akiha-chan!" The boy looks me down quickly. His disinterest, while subtle, is there. Clearly one of those sorts who are going after Hanei because of her body... and one of the few times where Tohno Akiha's nearly flat chest is actually an advantage.

"Who's this, Hanei?" I smile politely, while looking him down. I think he's getting the message subconsciously, and he seems slightly intimidated.

"Oh, uh... this is... uhhhhhh... Keisuke-kun. He thinks I'm pretty, Akiha-chan!" Hanei announces as she beams, innocently and naively.

"Really? What else does he think about you, Hanei?" I ask as I shift my gaze temporarily towards her, allowing the weasel his chance to back out of this before the scene becomes ugly.

"Heh... ah, I'd love to stay, but I've got things to do, sorry..." he quickly manages to spit out.

"Like what, Keisuke-kun? It's a shame that you can't stay with us, we'd love for you to," I offer a boldfaced lie, but in a way that he gets the message loud and clear that he will not actually be joining us.

"Well, uh, to be honest, I was searching for my sister..." He laughs and scratches his head nervously.

...Right, and I'm sure Hanei looked the spitting image of her... and if by some miracle of god she does, you're probably mentally ill in addition to being sleaze. What sort of pervert would sleep with his sister?

"I see. How unfortunate that you must leave, Keisuke-kun, but I wish you the best of luck in finding your sister. Well then, come on Hanei. We don't want to keep Keisuke-kun from his sister, do we?" I lightly take Hanei's hand.

"Ah... no, I guess not." She turns and waves to him with her other hand. "Bye, Keisuke-kun! Good luck on finding her, okay?"

I can hear the faint mutter of disappointment from the boy. Something along the lines of "cockblocker." Well, yes, I suppose I'm quite good at that. His will not be going anywhere near Hanei anytime soon, I'll make sure of that.

Hanei walks with me back towards our table. "Hanei, did he give you a slip of paper or anything?" I ask her as we walk back.

"Uhhh, yeah! One sec, Akiha-chan." She fishes in her purse for it. I already know what it will be, but I just want to make sure. "...Here you go, Akiha-chan!" she hands the paper over to me – as expected, without even looking at what it contains. Such is the naivete of Misawa Hanei.

"Thanks, Hanei," I tell her as I open it up and look inside. Sure enough. "076-297-2612. Call me - Keisuke." I sigh as I crumple it up in my hand.

"...What's the matter, Akiha-chan?" Hanei blinks. "What did Keisuke-kun write in that?"

"He was asking you for help with his homework, Hanei... but as he does not go to our school, he must learn to do his homework on his own. Come on, let's go back to the table." I mime putting in my pocket. In reality, I have my origami instantly vaporize the paper.

_Nice try, Keisuke-kun, _I think to myself as I feel the paper vaporize in my hand and the ash begin flow through my fingers.

Seo's smirking almost catlike at both myself and Hanei when we get back. "Well, how'd it go, Hanei-san?"

"Good, Akira-chan!" Hanei smiles and bites down into her surely slightly cold slice of pizza, giving a slight "Mm-hmm!" and smile of approval. As she's not looking, I mime grabbing my breasts and roll my eyes.

So does Seo. Well, the eye rolling anyway. At least she's smart enough to recognize sleaze when she sees it. Girl's smarter than a lot of people give her credit for.

"Hey, Tohno-senpai," Seo says after we both recover and manage to resume straight faces.

"Hm?" I ask as I watch Hanei eat her food, picking up my own and biting into it once more.

"I was thinking... want to go to the haunted house before we leave?" She asks. "Besides, it's pretty rare that we get Hanei-san to go with us..." Seo Akira's smirk is... a little impish.

...I like that in a woman.

"...If you want to, sure." I say with an equally mischievous smile. "It'd be fun to go through one, right Hanei?"

"Uhhhhh... yeah..." Hanei is a bit easily spooked, and not too fond of these sorts of things.

"Don't worry, Hanei. Nothing bad will really happen," I tell her. "It's just something for fun. If you're scared, you can just hang on to me."

"…...Okay." She's still a little nervous, but Hanei is playing along, at least. Or perhaps her experience on the Ferris Wheel has toughened her resolve some.

"Well, finish up, and then we'll go see it, hit the gift shop, and then I guess we'll go our separate ways for today." I announce. "It was fun company with the two of you. Let's do it more often in the future, okay?"

"Okay, Tohno-senpai!" Seo smiles happily and begins to wolf down her food. For such a small, skinny girl, she could probably out-eat a man twice her size. For her part, Hanei nods, and finishes up her food. I collect all of the garbage, and throw it out into the nearest can, and together we walk over to the attraction.

* * *

"Heh... 'Be warned, you may not come out alive!'" I say as I read the sign. "Of course we won't, we're walking to our deaths. Three dead girls, ticking down the final moments. On the bright side, no need to worry about midterms, right Hanei?" I ask the girl who is already clutching onto my arm.

She gulps sharply, her skin a bit pale. Seo giggles a little upon seeing this. Teasing Hanei is fun from time to time. I don't see why nobody else seems to want to do it. Although at the same time, how much one can tease Hanei has a limit, so it's best to be careful not to overdo it.

We walk inside after showing our armbands to the attendant, who simply waves us through. Nobody else is in here right now. This results in the place feeling perhaps a little more abandoned and spooky than it normally would otherwise.

"...Well, I guess we walk through, huh?" I shrug. All the other doors aside from the "main path" are shut, sealed off, or otherwise made inaccessible in some way. "Come on. This way." I take Hanei's hand, and she nervously walks with me, with Seo on my other side.

A skeleton bursts through the door as we walk past presumably a motion sensor of some kind. Hanei shrieks and clings to me for dear life, pulling me into her body once more. Seo is startled, too, and jumps, but doesn't clutch to me, unlike Hanei.

Me... meh. I've seen worse.

"Jeez, settle down, you two. It's just a puppet, you know. See?" I laugh, as I flick the skeleton's head. It seems to be made of very cleverly painted paper-mâché.

"...Jeez. You're completely unshakable, Tohno-senpai," Seo says.

"I... It still scared me, Akiha-chan..." I feel Hanei squeeze my hand slightly as she pulls herself away from me. Well, I'd admittedly feel bad if I got her **TOO** worked up... so I squeeze back so she isn't as scared.

We keep on walking. I'll admit, the haunted house is actually pretty good. It'd scare quite a lot of people. Hanei has been clinging to me for the last several minutes. Seo looks a little bit afraid, and her eyes are darting all around. She does jump a bit in my direction every time something pops out, or some evil, ominous laugh is played over a hidden speaker.

I'm a little wide-eyed too, but I'm pretty much just playing along. After all... compared to the sorts of things Tohno Akiha has seen, a haunted house is child's play.

All of us hear a loud **BANG** and an animatronic of a creature with a bag over its misshapen head appears in a doorway, the chainsaws on its arms swinging a bit. It lets out a very dull, throaty roar, before its path to us is "sealed off" by a door between it and us slamming shut.

"EEEEK!" Hanei practically jumps out of her skin, compared to Seo and – admittedly – my jump. She stumbles and falls backward into a pillar. "Owwwww..." She rubs her butt a little on the ground.

I sigh. Maybe bringing Hanei along to an attraction she doesn't like isn't a good idea after all. It's fun to be scared, but not so fun when you're so scared that you're actually beginning to hurt yourself on accident.

I walk over and offer my hand to help her up, which she takes very slowly and carefully, still rubbing her butt with her other hand, and I hug her. "You okay, Hanei?"

"Yeah... fine..." She sniffles slightly. She looks like she's just about had enough of this, which makes me feel even worse. Perhaps she's at her breaking point, so it would be wise for us to finish our tour of this house and leave, so that Hanei remembers a day filled with fun, as opposed to a day that she was completely scared out of her wits.

"...Come on, Hanei," I say gently. "We'll be out of here very soon, and when we are, I'll buy you a nice, big bag of cotton candy. Alright?"

"...'kay, Akiha-chan," she says, clearly still shaken.

"Okay," I tell her, and I squeeze her hand. Together we begin walking back towards Seo.

A loud creaking noise from above interrupts our movement.

I look up... and I see a big part of the pillar is coming down... straight for us.

My eyes widen in surprise. "Seo, move! Now!" I immediately grab Hanei, throw her down to the ground, and cover her body with mine. I can take a blow like this, Hanei can't...

"WAHH! A-Akiha-chan?ǃ" Hanei cries out, before she looks up past me, and notices what is falling, her eyes widening.

Unfortunately, Seo does not heed my warning. She turns to me instead. "...Huh? Why, Tohno-senp–"

It is at this point that she looks up.

_**WHAM.**_

A gasp of horror from Hanei Misawa.

"SEO!" I scramble off of Hanei and run over towards her, and quickly look her over. Fortunately, she tried to dive out of the way... unfortunately, she failed to completely do so. The way the pillar has fallen, it has pinned her legs firmly to the ground.

I race over to the front of her. Her eyes are welling up in tears from pain, and her pupils are dilated a bit from the mental, if not physical, shock of what's happened. "Seo, are you okay?ǃ" I call to her.

"...I... I can't move my legs, Tohno-senpai!" She's trying her best to get away. She struggles a bit, but her body definitely isn't budging.

I look over the pillar that has pinned her. Feeling it, it's definitely not made of paper-mâché, but something much, much firmer. I try to push it off of her, but it's definitely made of something durable, thick, and heavy... at least twice my weight... maybe more.

...There is no way I can easily get this off of her.

"...Shit!" I turn to Hanei, who's very pale and nervous-looking. "Hanei! Go get help! Now!"

"Wh... What...?" Her whole body's shaking, in shock. A very faint, lingering odor of urine permeates the air.

"HELP! GO GET IT!" I shout at her.

Hanei nervously nods, and scrambles to her feet, then runs off. I hear her yelling echo throughout the attraction. "Help! Help! Somebody, help!" Eventually, they fade to silence.

I turn back to Seo, who is still struggling to get out. Her legs are pinned, and the way she fell, her foot and ankle are a bit awkwardly placed. There is a chance it is sprained, dislocated... or worse, broken entirely.

"Seo, can you still feel this?" I feel her legs carefully, checking for muscle tone, temperature, and solidity. Hopefully it hasn't crushed them...

"Y-Yeah, Tohno-senpai..." she manages to tell me.

…...Phew. She still has sensation. That's good. Muscle tone is firm, so nothing broken... so far... but who knows once she stands...

...I sigh. I'm going to have to become myself again, aren't I... and not just myself... but _**that**_ part of myself. The longer this thing is on her legs, the greater the chance for irreparable harm to her.

...I have no choice. I was hoping it didn't come down to this, but between my secrets, and the safety of my friends...

...My friends win every time.

"...Seo, look away. This is going to hurt." I say sternly, as if it were an order.

She blinks... but thankfully complies.

And with that... I unleash myself fully.

* * *

Dammit... of all the times I've never wanted to reveal my true self...  
...But I'm not going to let Seo be harmed forever by this!  
Even if... even if that means she'll learn my secret...

* * *

Next Week (3/6/11) – Chapter 40: "I Won't Become The Thing I Hate!"


	40. I Won't Become The Thing I Hate!

Chapter 40: "I Won't Become The Thing I Hate!"

* * *

I feel the heat blast through my body as I let go. Letting go of myself is a rather difficult sensation to describe, but I suppose a rough analogy would be the feeling most people would get after having avoided being struck by a vehicle by a distance of six inches, while simultaneously having your head pound like a red-hot railroad spike was being beaten into it with a 5-kilogram hammer, your eyeballs burning as if they were getting sandpapered and then salted, and your tongue and lips sizzling and crackling like they were dipped in battery acid.

I feel my hair lengthen. I feel my blood boiling, my nerves firing, my muscles tighten. My teeth bare themselves automatically as my hands curl into claws, and then fists, all on their own. My heart begins to surge inside of my chest, like some out-of-control clock. My chest begins surging, heaving, thrashing as if it were some feral beast. The breath that comes from my mouth is of heat, and the noises from my throat sound like the very chattering of death. I feel heat, adrenaline, and power surge through every fiber of my being.

This feeling that you are barely alive, and yet, that you have never been more alive, all at the same time. An adrenaline high, unlike any other.

It is paradoxical. A human should not feel most alive right before they die... and yet they do. Because they know that their life may come to an end, in an instant. One moment, they are thinking, and reacting, and then a brief, sharp pain... and a black void envelops the senses, with all connections to the brain being lost upon their fatality.

That is how I feel whenever I am in the state that is called "Crimson Red Vermilion." A state brought on by the "Inversion Impulse." A state that I have killed my human side, in exchange for the cursed powers of my bloodline. Powers that turn me into a highly efficient killer, if only I would stop having morality and a conscience...

When Tohno Akiha is in this state, she is no longer human. Instead, she becomes a demon, in a human's skin. The demon brain, naturally, wants to control the demon body... but the human mind is the form a Tohno learns to make their primary one, as opposed to the Kishima, who live by the way of the demon, only adopting a human mentality upon its necessity.

The human side of her must struggle to maintain its grip on her psyche. If it fails... Tohno Akiha could walk out of this ride, and every single person in her sight would begin inexplicably dropping dead. According to what Nii-san has told me about my abilities, it would look like the amusement park is home to some gigantic spider, whose gossamer crimson threads bind and hold all of her prey, sucking all of the warmth and fluids out of their body, until withered, desiccated husks of men, women, and children lay lifelessly on the ground.

That said... with "his" influence gone, it is a surprisingly quiet malevolence. No whispers... no suggestions... just a desire for gratuitous, wanton violence. Not madness. Not the desire to dominate. Nothing of those sorts. Just... simple thoughts. Exterminate. Destroy. Kill.

...But I have resisted their voices before. They were stronger then. They are far more feeble now. For only one person is in control of the mind of Tohno Akiha, even if two sides of her are in a fight to the death.

That person is neither the "human" side of Tohno Akiha, nor the "Demon" side of Tohno Akiha. No, the only person who ever fully controls Tohno Akiha's destiny...

…...Is Tohno Akiha herself.

I grip the pillar firmly with my hands, and begin to push against it with all my power. Even in this form, this pillar feels heavy and thick. But with effort, and strain, it begins to slowly budge. I feel my teeth grind against each other, and I can feel my arms and legs already beginning to plead with me to simply stop lifting the pillar.

"...T-Tohno-senpai?ǃ" The stunned voice of Seo Akira... from the sound of which, there is absolutely no doubt that she has to be looking at me.

But I am not paying attention to her. Right now I just want to get this off of her legs, get the blood flowing, and get all this weight off her legs and her ankles before it snaps under the contortion... and to do it before my mind decides to press the pillar down even harder, ensuring that, at best, Seo Akira would be having what could quite possibly be the first broken bones of her life.

"Crawl out from there, Seo! I can't hold this thing forever!" I shout back at her. For such a relatively small thing, the weight of this object surprises me. There is no doubt it is, at minimum, three times my body weight. It has to be heavy; this sort of thing is meant to bear the weight of some of the structure. It is not something I would usually be able to lift; even someone the weight of myself or Seo would be difficult to do normally. In this state, I can do it, but that does not make it easier. I am taxing my body well beyond normal limits. The slight grinding I feel in my bones, and the very present shaking of my arms and legs, is proof of that.

I hear Seo begin to crawl out from it as I have it lifted, my fingers hooked like claws, my arms trembling slightly with strain. I wait until I see she is well clear of where it fell, and then I let go. It slams back into the floor with a resounding _**WHAM**_, and I feel pain from straining my body blast through my arm muscles. I collapse to the floor, panting, shaking.

"T-Tohno-senpai..." Seo's voice. A voice of shock, of horror. "Did... did you go... Super Saiy–"

...Shit.

She _**DID**_ see it then. Damn it... Damn it! I didn't want her to! I told her not to look, for that very reason! And she had to!

"Just stay there and don't move! Don't worry about me, I'm fine!" I yell back, my voice hoarse and shaky. The natural, immediate urge has already come up.

The urge of "Kill anyone who finds out about your secret."

Kohaku and Hisui were the only ones who were supposed to know. Nii-san found out my secrets on his own. To be fair, living with these people... those sorts of secrets tend to be the kind one cannot hide forever.

...But outside of that group, is the people of this world. Those beyond my gate. And even though they are my friends, Hanei, Seo, and Souka all count among these here.

…...But I do not want to kill them. I easily could, but just because one can do something, does not mean that one should do something.

...No. I will not give in to this urge. Even though Seo knows my secret... my secret loses to my friends, eventually, no matter what.

So... I practice my breathing technique once more.

Breathe. Deeply. Slowly. Inhale positive, good energy with every deep breath. Exhale negative, bad energy with the accompanying deep sigh.

Inhale... Exhale. Positive in, negative out. Equivalent exchange.

Get rid of the killing feelings, the desire to take this pillar and slam it on Seo over and over until she is paste, laughing at the noise of the crunching until it just becomes a squishing, watching the limbs twitch as the muscles get confused by the random, errant electrical activity still left in them...

Looking up at her, I can see that Seo lays still as a corpse after a moment or two of fidgeting. The feeling of one's limbs falling asleep is never a pleasant one, especially not the legs... especially the _**WHOLE**_ leg.

...She is definitely looking at me. Her eyes, widened with surprise. A glance reveals my hair is still reddened.

…...Damn. There is definitely no hiding this from her anymore. Not from her, at least...

I close my eyes, and focus solely on my breathing, driving away the thoughts of how to handle my secret with Seo for now. I think about nothing else but slowing my body down, banishing those thoughts.

After a few moments, the lust to kill begins to ebb. The demon blood in me slowly recedes. The human side of Tohno Akiha once more takes over as the dominant of her two personalities. Like a slowly dying flame, the enhanced strength from that side flickers in a few final, desperate, agonal breaths, before it disappears completely.

With a sigh, I open my eyes. My thinking is clear once more. I get up from my hands and knees, and I walk over to Seo, kneeling down by her. She looks at me, eyes dancing with questions.

"...Your hair's black again... what happened...?" Her green eyes blink as they look into my blue ones, as the first question of what are sure to be many come out of her mouth.

"...It would be difficult to explain, Seo," I reply. "It is not something you were meant to see, but I was also not going to live with the guilt of you being possibly wheelchair-bound for the rest of your life if I did nothing," I admit. There is no point in hiding any more secrets now – the one she knows is the worst of them all.

"...Tohno-senpai?" She looks at me, blinking. She looks very confused, disoriented.

"...Do not tell Hanei of what you saw. Do not tell _**ANYONE**_ of what you saw. Or if you do, you will regret it for the rest of your life, and I am _**NOT**_ joking, Seo." I give her my coldest stare possible, to ensure she gets the point.

"...A...Alright..." She swallows slightly.

I sigh. "Good. Can you move your legs yet?" I look her over.

She sits up slightly, and moves them slowly. "They still feel a bit funny..." She reaches down and massages her left calf a little bit.

"They probably will. Blood is flowing back in and out of them, after all, and you might be sore for a day or two." I feel her right calf slightly. Yes, the muscle tone is fine, so there is no damaged nerves. She winces slightly when I touch the regions closer to where the pillar had rolled over them, feeling pain... another good sign.

"Hmm. You are going to be sore for a few days. You will be fine after that, but for at least the next few days, you should focus on taking things easy, and not stressing your legs any more than you have to. Perhaps take tomorrow off from class."

"...I'll see how I feel in the morning, Tohno-senpai... right now, I might..." She stretches her legs out, wincing as the blood flows back through them, and with it, the pain from moving them. "...So... what happened, Tohno-senpai?"

I sigh. I cannot explain it away... and I know there is no point to lie. So I suppose the next best thing will be to wait until later, when we can have some privacy.

"...If you are given the okay to leave, I will tell you at my home. But not before then. I do not want Hanei to find o–"

"AKIRA-CHAN!"

Almost as if on cue, Hanei runs in, with two rather fit, strong looking men. "Akira-chan! Are you okay?ǃ" She runs over to her, hugging her close. Seo wrinkles her nose, obviously being too kind to tell Hanei she smells a little like... well, urine.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine, Hanei-san. Tohno-senpai managed to lift that thing up just enough for me to squeeze my legs out, barely..." She once more flexes her legs.

…...That excuse will be good enough, I suppose.

Hanei lets go of Seo and runs over to me, hugging me quite firmly. "Wow, Akiha-chan! You're so strong and brave!" As if it were a move in some bizarre hentai fighting game, Misawa Hanei once more pushes my head into her chest.

Between being pushed into Hanei's cleavage and feeling her wrapping her arms and squeezing them into the small of my back hard, I feel like I am being smothered. What makes it worse... this is the second time this has happened today... within the last two hours.

"...Hanei... loosen... your grip..." I try to push her away slightly so I can get some air.

"O-Oh! Sorry Akiha-chan!" She lets go of me, allowing me to breathe.

...For a girl, Hanei has surprising strength when panic takes over. It felt a little like a vise. Then again, just about everyone has heard of stories of mothers being able to lift whole cars off of their children in sheer desperation. Granted, I was not so desperate to lift this pillar off of Seo, but...

...Does Hanei's strength really have to be the ability to push my head into her chest? It looks so... perverted...

"Man, you're lucky you were able to lift this thing..." One of the two men is grunting slightly, even as he and his friend lift the pillar prop, and begin getting it out of the way. "I dunno how you got that off of her... but she's definitely lucky. If it hit her head, it probably would have killed her." The fact it is taking two strong-looking men to lift it and even then it is a bit hefty shows the weight I was pushing up.

…...No wonder my arms and legs feel like they are on fire. I shake my arms and move around on my legs a bit, so that the burning sensation ebbs.

"Seo, can you stand?" I ask her as I walk over and hold my hand out to help her up. She looks at my hand, then nervously takes it and begins to slowly get up, and, noticing she is not crying out in pain or obviously injured, I slowly withdraw my hand from hers after a moment.

"…...It's stiff and pretty sore, but I think I can walk." She tries to after a moment or two. "Agh...! Okay... ankle's sore, but I can walk on it, I think..." A slight limp, but nothing that will not heal, from the looks of it. Probably a severe sprain.

"...I will help you walk if you need to. I think it is pretty safe to say you want to get out of here, then?" I straighten out my shorts.

"Does Toriyama-sensei draw ridiculously huge boots?"

"…...…..."

"...The answer's yes. Let's get out of here." She says in exasperation as she limps off.

Hanei follows behind her, and I follow behind them.

...Who is this Toriyama-sensei? I have never seen him or her on the campus...

* * *

There are a few medical personnel there to check Seo when we come out, but they see she is walking and after a fairly quick examination, they have determined she is more or less okay, though she will probably have a nasty bruise on her calves for a few days. In exchange for the examination, she signs a waiver exempting the park from liability.

We are also rather disinterested in the gift shop by this point, as well, for rather obvious reasons. The desire to get gifts to remember this day is suddenly not so ideal.

As we walk out of the park gates, I help Seo out by letting her lean against me, allowing her to walk – or more accurately, hop – with her good leg, and keep her body weight off of her more injured one.

"Hanei, I am going to return with Seo to my mansion so that I can give her some medicines and let her rest a bit. You are more than welcome to join us, of course, if you wish to," I tell her.

"...Ah... I'd, uhhhhhh... I'd love to, Akiha-chan, but I think I've had enough for one day." She nods in affirmation.

...Hm. Well, I cannot blame her. And in some ways, it is actually a good thing. One, it will let me have some privacy with Seo, for her questions. Two, today pretty much ensured she will not remember that creep who tried to pick her up and hit on her. Three... sooner or later, she is bound to notice that she peed in her pants. Hopefully sooner, rather than later...

"Alright. Do you wish to get a ride home, or something?" I offer.

"No... I'm fine, Akiha-chan," Hanei tells me with a simple shake of her head. "Besides... I kinda stink, so... I probably should shower first thing, huh?"

...Hanei impresses me. Seems she is aware of her accident after all.

"Very well then. The shirt I gave you is in your bag, right?" I gesture to it with one of my free hands.

"Yeah. Thanks, Akiha-chan. But, uhhhhh... what does it mean by guns? That's what you said it was talking about. I don't own any guns... aren't they illegal in Japan, anyway...?" Hanei looks upward and blinks, lost in thought, with the most pure, innocent look on her face.

Seo cannot help but laugh slightly. Even I cannot fully hide my smirk.

"…...Do not worry so much, Hanepin. It is just showing off some of your best assets, is all," I say with a slight smile.

"...Oh. Okay, Akiha-chan!" comes her quick reply to that.

...It is rather clear she does not get it. Either that, or today's events have numbed her brain up.

"Well then... I take it you are heading back to campus?" I ask.

"Yeah... I got stuff to study for, and Sou-chan will probably want something to eat when she gets back. Cooking, cooking! Scrubbing, scrubbing!" She mimes both activities as she says their names.

"I see. Then, please give her my regards, as well as her shirt," I tell her. "Also, tell her I would like to speak with her tomorrow, if you would be so kind."

"'kay, Akiha-chan!" With this, Hanei blows us both a kiss - one of her ways of telling somebody goodbye - and she turns and walks off, humming happily. Indeed, you would probably never know she was a girl who soiled herself... well, until you got close enough to smell it, that is. Cherry Blossom perfume backed with urine is likely a stain few will ever forget.

I turn my attention back to Seo. "Well then... we can take our time going home. Nobody is going to be interested in two flat-chested girls walking without Misawa Hanei, the 'Brunette Bomber.'" I smile a bit.

My attempt at getting Seo to laugh a little pays off, as she chuckles slightly. "Yeah. Funny, you think all the pervs would be hitting on us."

"It is better for them that they do not, really," I say. "They probably would not find me someone whom they could easily manipulate or control."

"...Yeah... hey, Tohno-senpai..." Seo begins. "...About what happened back there–"

"Wait until we return to my mansion, Seo, or I will not tell you a thing." I quickly cut her off.

"...Alright, fine," she says with a sigh. "I don't see why you're being so secretive about it... I mean... well... you seem to have super powers or something... but nobody's around, so..."

"I have my reasons, Seo. I would much prefer to get to the privacy of my own home. As after all... you are the only one who saw that, even though we both know it is true. Will anyone believe you, or will they just think it is the random, hyperactive imagination of a teenage girl?"

She sighs deeply in defeat. "...You got me there, Tohno-senpai. Fine... but when we get there, you're gonna tell me EVERYTHING! Or I'm gonna draw you in one of my super sentai comics!" She says this with a very triumphant grin.

…...Dear God.

There are times in every person's life when they will either take a gamble... or not. Needless to say... this is not the time to take a gamble, lest I end up as the "Red Rooster" or some other bizarre character, with a skintight outfit and... eugh.

"...You have a deal, Seo," I tell her after shaking that horrifying image out of my head.

"Great! Then let's go back, Tohno-senpai." With that, she hangs her arm around my shoulders. With the other, she carries her bag, and after I put my arm around her back to help support her, we begin to head home, even though I could very easily just have called Ishizaki at any time.

* * *

As I knock on the door with my foot, my arms are absolutely tired and sore. As bad as they are, I am sure that Seo's legs are even worse than my arms feel.

The door opens. Hisui, who answers the door, blinks, looking me up and down as if I am some sort of wolf in sheep's clothing.

"...A... Akiha-sama...?" She appears bewildered at my state of dress. That is natural. It is, after all, unusual wear for me.

"Yes, Hisui. Pleasant evening to you. Please take these bags in." I set mine down. Pain shoots through my arms once more, but the relief begins. I rotate and shake them a bit, to get the blood flowing through them once more.

Seo sets hers down a few feet behind me, and winces. "Ow ow ow..." she hisses slightly through her teeth. She hobbles a bit, as she is trying to keep her weight off of her more injured leg.

"Settle down, Seo, we are home now. Come, let us go inside and get some ice for your leg," I tell her, as I wrap her arm around her shoulders once more.

"Yeah. That'd be great, Tohno-senpai." She nods, readily accepting my assistance.

"...What happened to Seo-san, Akiha-sama, if you don't mind my asking?" Hisui asks a simple question.

"She had a bit of a mishap on our trip. It was not her fault, but we must treat it regardless. She already had an examination, so Kohaku does not need to have to worry herself with having to give her a checkup."

She blinks at me, but soon nods. "Very well, Akiha-sama. Please, yourself and Seo-san should come inside."

I walk past my bags, before remembering the shirts I had gotten earlier. "Ah. One moment, Hisui..." I tell her as I bend down and carefully rummage through the bag, pulling out the shirt that I had gotten for her. "Here you go. This is a gift from me to you. I think you will like it."

She pulls it out and looks at it. "Uhh... Akiha-sama, I hate to admit this... but my grasp of English..." She blushes slightly in embarrassment.

...What, for not knowing a foreign language? She is a domestic servant... I would not expect her to have much of a reason to learn a foreign language, save for her own volition on the subject.

"It says 'Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.'" I smile slightly.

"Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off...? I don't get it, Akiha-sama. Usually, that means dinner is overdone, doesn't it...?" She blinks in confusion. Behind me, I can hear Seo stifling her giggle.

"Perhaps someday you will understand, Hisui. For now, do not worry." I smile and walk in past her. Seo hurries behind me, trying her best to hold in her laughter.

* * *

...So my secret is no longer hidden from Seo Akira.  
I am about to change her perceptions of "Tohno-senpai" forever.  
...And soon, I will find out just how important my friendship with her is...

* * *

Next Week (3/13/11) – Chapter 41: "A Moment In Time, Frozen Forever"


	41. A Moment In Time, Frozen Forever

Chapter 41: "A Moment In Time, Frozen Forever"

* * *

We walk into the kitchen. Kohaku is there, preparing dinner already, humming to herself quite happily... no doubt due to the time she got to spend with Nii-san. She turns towards us when she can hear me walking into the kitchen. "Ah, welcome home, Akiha-" She then sees my clothing. "-sama..." She actually stops stirring the pot of food for a moment.

"Good evening, Kohaku. I hope you do not mind cooking a little more for our guest?" Seo pokes her head out from behind me and waves at Kohaku.

"...N-Not at all, Akiha-sama. But, your clothing..." Her eyes trace up and down my body. Of course, I am still in the outfit that I purchased earlier. It is perhaps a little dustier than I would prefer it to be, but that is nothing a short wash will not take care of.

"What? Do you like it?" I throw my hair back a little with a smile, and then do a slow circle so that Kohaku can see the entirety of the outfit. "It is not my usual form of dress, but I think now and again it will be nice during the warmer months."

"...Well, if you say so, Akiha-sama. It's just not something I expected you to like wearing very much. You're not a casual person usually, so it's a bit shocking, but if you like it that much, then I'd say it suits you well." She smiles back.

Whether she is just tacitly saying she does not like them or is genuinely expressing her approval, I am unsure... but, does it really matter? They are my clothes, not hers. And if she covets them... well, admittedly, she would not be able to fit in them, anyway.

"Thank you, Kohaku. Ah... I also got you something, since I went shopping." I begin to dig in the bag that contains the remainder of the clothes. "...Ah, there it is..."

"M-Me? But Akiha-sama, I don't really need anything..." Kohaku seems genuinely stunned that I would think of her at a time like this.

"Yes, well, I got it anyway. It was just too perfect to not get you." I pull the shirt out, and hand it to her.

Kohaku raises her eyebrows in surprise, and reads in good, but heavily accented English. "I'm the chef, that's why!" She laughs, getting the joke. "Thank you, Akiha-sama. It's very fitting." Unlike Hisui, such humor is not lost on Kohaku.

"Think nothing of it, Kohaku. It is not much. Ah, yes, please give this one to Nii-san before you leave, as well." I take out his shirt and carefully, perfectly, fold it before handing it to her.

Kohaku blinks in confusion, not understanding my mood... but she acquiesces to my request. "Very well, Akiha-sama. I will give it to him when I leave." She smiles.

"Yes, thank you. For now, please concentrate on your cooking. I have distracted you from it long enough." I walk to the freezer, grab two ice packs, and take the bag with the two remaining shirts inside. "Come, Seo. We shall go to my room." I walk past my kouhai, and notice out of the corner of my eye that her expression is notably shocked.

"Y... Your room, Tohno-senpai?" She asks me in disbelief.

"Yes. Unless you have a problem with it for some reason?" I stop and look at her.

"N-No! I, uh... I've just never been in there before... eheheheh..." She laughs nervously.

Well, I can see where she is coming from. Usually one only allows those closest to them into their private bedrooms. It has a certain... connotation, of intimacy.

Certainly, it would be quite the topic of gossip around the school if they heard of this... well, not that such gossip has not already happened once or twice. But Seo Akira being my "favored" kouhai is a bit different from Seo Akira being invited into my bedroom.

Is Seo that close to me...?

…...I suppose she is.

* * *

"Haaaaaah."

Seo Akira sighs in relief as she finally gets to sit down and apply the ice packs to her legs. I am not feeling in too much pain, so I gave her mine.

"God, they're killing me. It feels like somebody kicked me really hard in the back of my leg..." She complains, carefully putting light pressure on the backs of her legs, near where the pillar had fallen on them.

"Yes, apologies. Usually we would have used the limo, but a walk would do better for the blood circulation. On the upside, you got some good exercise, and probably built a little bit of muscle with all the walking we did today." I smile and cross my legs.

"Heh, losing a little bit of weight wouldn't be too bad, I guess." She lifts her cup of tea up and sips it.

"Well, exercise is an important thing. It keeps you in shape. Besides that... it helps catch the eye of admirers. Surely you know that, right?" I ask her with a smile.

The blush on Seo Akira's face indicates that she understands what I am suggesting all too well.

"Good. It would be a shame if I would have had to explain that to you," My smile grows much wider as I sip on my own tea.

Seo clears her throat after she puts her cup of tea back down. "So, uh, Tohno-senpai... now that we're here..."

...Seo Akira cuts right to the chase, as the expression goes.

"...You want to know about what happened, huh." My voice takes on a subconsciously colder tone, I notice after a few seconds.

"Yeah. You promised." Her own voice and expression turns notably serious. Like that of a woman who will face her assailant, rather than submit to his will.

"...Just remember, so did you." I look straight into her eyes, testing her resolve.

"Yeah, yeah, I won't tell anyone, I promise..." She nods affirmatively, and even looks me straight in the eye.

"Good. Because if that got out, it could have fatal consequences. I am not joking in the slightest." I glare at her even harder. Almost... daring her to meet my gaze.

But she does more than meet my gaze. She even... seems to welcome it a little, nodding slightly. "...So what is it?"

...Well then. Here goes nothing. Say it all before Tohno Akiha fully returns...

"...Have you ever heard of a case where someone can seemingly have two sides to them at once?" I cross my arms and sit back in my chair a little.

"Uh, yeah. Like, uhh, what was that one western novel... uh, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?" Her face scrunches a little in thought.

"...Yes, I suppose that would work. You could say I am one of those cases. There is a naturally dark side of me, that gives me power... but it comes at the cost of some of my humanity, as it were."

"...So... you're a monster?" She asks simply.

Immediately, I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and my hands clench themselves slightly.

No, I am not a monster... I am a human. And the human side of Tohno Akiha knows that Seo Akira did not mean to offend. She is merely asking, as anyone would.

So I sigh deeply, to clear the thought, as opposed to acting upon the urge to reach out and choke her.

"…...Yes and no. I could become one if I were weak-willed... but I do not plan on it. I have it well under control," I say with the best sincerity I can put forward. "You will not have to worry about me becoming so... crazed that I would harm any of you. Ever. Please... trust me on this."

Silence, as Seo Akira takes this all in, looking me over carefully while adjusting the ice pack on her ankle.

…...How I wish I could see her thoughts right now.

Am I a monster to her? I do not want to be. Even as mean as I can be to her sometimes... I still consider Seo Akira a friend, and I want her to consider me that as well.

"Oh..." She blinks for a few moments, as this sinks in. "…...What about Tohno-san? Is he... uh, like you, and can change, too...?"

I shake my head, and sip my tea to moisten my throat before beginning. "No, Nii-san is not quite the same as me. He has a dark side to him, too, but it is one he is also well in control of. You do not have to worry about either of us becoming Mr. Hyde, as it were. I promise."

"So... his hair goes red like yours, too, too?"

"No, no... Nii-san's powers are in his eyes, not in his hair," I explain. "But as I do not wish to explain things without him knowing, you will have to ask him for that, sometime."

"...His eyes turn red?" She asks with surprise.

I have to laugh slightly at the idea of Nii-san's eyes changing to red. "No. Blue, actually. But once again, that is something he and you will have to discuss."

"Oh. Well... okay, I guess." I can tell from the sound of things that she does not have the answers that she seeks, but that is how I want it.

After all... if I told her everything... I probably would become a monster to her.

Fundamentally, Tohno Akiha is half-human, and half-demon. There is no way to get around this simple fact. Even though I am revealing some of this to Seo Akira, I am being very careful not to reveal it all. If I revealed it all... then that may cause irreparable harm to our relationship.

Yet... she is taking the small amount of information I have given her in surprisingly good stride. Whether she is unable to understand it, predicted it, foresaw it, or something... I do not know. It is impossible to tell, and Seo Akira's face shows thought more than anything else.

...Perhaps if she proves I can trust her with what I have given her, then someday I will give her more. But not yet. After all, it would be difficult to explain to her how I have demon blood in my veins, and how I could, quite literally, become not unlike Mr. Hyde.

But Seo Akira and Tohno Akiha have both been through enough for one day. Walking around has drained us physically, and the freak accident in the haunted house has drained us mentally. Right now... I just wish to have her here as a friend, as someone whom I can hold a conversation with and enjoy the simple pleasure of passing the time with someone whom is special to me.

Seo pulls the ice bags off her legs and flexes and stretches them a bit. "A little stiff... I think they'll be okay, though. I wish that my ankle..." She stops in midsentence, and looks at me strangely.

"…...Seo? Is something wrong?" I blink and look around. Nothing seems out of order...

"W-Wait there, senpai!" She dashes back into the house. I watch her as she runs inside, stunned slightly by the fact that she is able to run with hardly a limp. The ice pack and medicine that Kohaku gave to her are definitely working, with the speed she ran off at.

"...Strange girl..." is all that my mouth can say.

A few moments later, she returns with some of her art supplies. "Just stay exactly like that, please!" She sits in her chair and begins sketching quite rapidly.

…...Ah, I get it now.

I have turned into a study for her. Well, she worked hard in bringing those bags back, and I suppose I can trust her enough, so I simply smile and sit as I am, occasionally sipping on my tea.

She looks up repeatedly as she sketches, before looking back down. Her left hand, holding the pencil, moves surprisingly quick and with grace. Strokes are regular, and with purpose. She licks her lips unconsciously as she draws.

I have seen her finished art before, of course, but that was in that doujinshi...

...Where we were kissing.

It was bad enough that we nearly split our friendship over that silly little doujinshi of hers. But that is in the past now. We are still friends, and I want to keep it that way if I can.

At the same time... I cannot help but think about it, really. A lot has happened in the past few days... so much so that I had nearly forgotten about this. This whole thing, really, that turned my life upside down.

What foolish thinking that was. I remember full well asking myself how two women could have such a relationship, and have it be fulfilling for both...

...Tsukihime Souka showed me just how that could be done.

No... she did more than show me. She... she made me want what she was doing. More and more and more of it, until I could not stand it anymore, and my mind was gone, replaced by that of an animal who simply wanted to rut.

Because of that... I have a considerably different perspective on something like that, thanks to Souka…...

…...Would that be truly so bad, I wonder?

I am not sure. I assume an older Seo Akira would be more emotionally stable and realistic, and not still living like a child who is resisting growing up. No, she would definitely be much more adult in her thinking and her manner.

She is showing that she is capable of being an adult, when she wants to be. She looked at me very seriously when I tried to see if she would be scared off by my threatening her. A year ago, it would have no doubt made her back down.

Instead, she not only met my look... she almost... encouraged it. On those grounds, I told her.

Plus, it is not like Seo Akira does not have traits that are admirable. She does have qualities I like. Hardworking. Meticulous. Studious.

…...Pretty.

She is very pretty. Her attractiveness has made her quite popular among many of the students, even the older ones. There is little doubt that at Asagami Private Girls Academy, Hanei is still at the top when it comes to idol-like looks, but Seo would probably turn in second or third despite her relative youth. While Hanei has the womanly feminine charms, Seo might be the cute little sister everyone wishes they could have.

...Admittedly, even I would not mind having someone like that. I have always wondered what sort of person I would have been to a younger sibling... would I guide them? Would I help them cope with our familial curse? Or, as is sometimes the case, would the youngest actually be the strongest, there for even her big sister when her doubts would flare up again...?

...I would not mind someone like that in my life, I will admit.

I talk with Hisui, Kohaku, Nii-san, and occasionally Len about my problems, but... they are not the same. Hisui was always uncomfortable when I brought it up. Kohaku would just encourage me on anyway, for she was a doll until a year ago. Nii-san and Len are both very recent entrants into my life.

No... for years, Tohno Akiha had to suffer silently and alone, even after she stood up to the man who was increasingly a shell of what she loved in her father. Even after she protected Kohaku from his abuse at the cost of his life...

...She slowly became consumed by her own inner demons herself.

She could not find that peace, that solace, that simple joy of having someone to talk to, to tell her things would be fine and to be strong, if not for herself, than for others. Kohaku would tell her these things, but it lacked sincerity. A doll, after all, only has emotions if the puppeteer does their work in putting them in, and rather than put them into her, the puppeteer raped them out of her.

Yet the girl who is drawing my picture now... has personal feelings for her senpai. Despite the meanness. Despite the occasional "tortures." Even despite the spats we had...

...Seo Akira still values the company of her senpai, Tohno Akiha.

...It is strange, really. Seo is approximately my sizes. We could share bras. I think her hips and waist are slightly larger than mine, but I would not know the exact sizes. She is two years younger than me, but surely that is not the factor that makes her fairly popular, and it makes me very feared.

So what does...?

Is it because my reputation precedes me?

Is it because Seo Akira is simply so cute that people will naturally like her?

Is it because girls tend to like cute things, and to many people, Seo Akira would be the epitome of "cute little sister?"

No... I think it is none of these. What it is, is simple.

Seo Akira has a far more enjoyable personality than Tohno Akiha.

Seo is polite, accommodating, energetic, friendly. Tohno Akiha is also polite, and to an extent accommodating, but energetic only towards family matters, and that energy is forced. And friendliness is not exactly one of my qualities. I do not want to complicate other lives with my own troubles, problems, and worries. Few people could understand the pain I go through.

Fewer still could actually help me.

...Even fewer would be able to love me.

"…...We live alone, and we die alone."

"Eh?" Seo looks up. "What did you say, Tohno-senpai...?"

"...It is the first thing I remember Otou-sama telling me. 'We live alone, and we die alone, Akiha.'"

"…...Oh..." Seo looks unsure of what to say about that, and after a few moments, returns to sketching.

I do not blame her for not really having anything more to say. It is a hard thing to reply to in such a way that the conversation remains positive, instead of acerbic. Such a fatalistic statement is the last thing most fathers would tell their daughters.

...Unfortunately, Tohno Makihisa was anything but "most fathers."

The life of a Tohno is a very difficult burden to handle. I am thankful that some others in my life do not have to handle such difficult burdens, like Nii-san, or Kohaku, or even Len. Hisui will likely find someone someday, and I know she would make a terrific housewife... well, assuming she can find a husband who knows how to cook and enjoys it. Perhaps even Yumizuka-san might be able to find someone, if we can gain either a cure for her or if she can find a vampire just as noble as she is. I am not so closed-minded; I know there are some very noble vampires out there, such as Arcueid-san.

But I...

…...I will die alone.

I will simply have to accept it. There may be those in my life who can please me and bring me some measure of happiness, but a life partner is not in the cards of Tohno Akiha. It would take a person of incredible courage, and understanding, and selflessness to love someone like me truthfully. Even though Souka could love Tohno Akiha, the person... I do not know if she could love Tohno Akiha, the soul. The soul that is a mixture of human and inhuman blood.

...A bastard of both, and unable to be fully accepted by either.

I sigh a bit as I feel my usual melancholic thinking fill my brain again. Even though I am smiling for Seo, this is a false smile. It is just for posing. It is not the true feelings of Tohno Akiha.

Love... I guess that is what I wish for now. I can no longer be alone, and now I am starting to get to the point where I do not want to be alone by myself in terms of romance. Since I cannot have Nii-san... my mind is simply following basic human instinct, seeking out that which makes them happy.

...But only Nii-san can make me as happy as I wish to be, right...?

If not him... could Souka? If I told her these deepest, darkest secrets... would she reject me? Would our relationship end because she was scared of me...?

Would she say "I don't care about any of that, Tohno, you're my friend and no matter what you are, I always want to be that?"

...Would she say "I've known you were what you were all along, and I don't care what you are, because none of that matters to me, and just seeing you smile is all I want...?"

…...I wish I knew. These questions have been burning in my head ever since I woke up from what she did on Friday. I want answers to them...

...Hopefully, I will get them tomorrow. I am sure to see her in school, at some point of the day.

Perhaps someday, I will be lucky and blessed enough to find someone who understands, who is not scared of the darker aspects of Tohno Akiha, loves her completely, and trusts her fully.

Maybe not.

I do not know, and thinking about it is making my heart hurt.

"All done!" Startling me from my thoughts with a squeal of glee, Seo Akira bounds out of her chair and shows me the sketch she has produced.

"...Wow," is all I can say as I survey the carefully-drawn scene before me.

I am actually rather genuinely impressed. It seems the doujinshi she bought a week ago had already slightly altered her style. She was paying particular attention to my face, hands, and legs, and there is some detailed shading. It is still only a sketch, and not a finished drawing... but on the whole, it is surprisingly pleasant.

"Yeah! It's not done yet, but I like where it's going. I'll probably scan this and put this up on my page." She beams with pride as she looks over it.

I blink. "Your... page, Seo?"

"Yeah, I have a page dedicated to my drawings on my website. I go under the artist name 'Mirai-hime.'"

...Ah yes. A... webpage, I think that call it. On the internet.

"Tastebud Princess is quite an appropriate name with how you eat sometimes, Seo. You had three servings the last time you were here."* I say with a slight smile.

"Hey, I'm using the characters for 'Future Princess!' As for the dinner... I can't help that! It was good!" She pouts.

Ah yes, the fat is not in her stomach, or her rear end – but in her head...

"So say you," I reply as I sip my tea.

"Akiha-sama, Akira-san, dinner is ready!" The voice of Kohaku, calling out with impeccable timing, informs us that dinner is ready.

"YAY! FOOD!" Seo practically shoves the drawing into my lap and runs out of the room.

I look at the sketch. Already she has forgotten about my remark, the silly fathead.

...It is made with great care.

She was really trying to bring me out, I think. The more that I look at this, the more that I realize that even though this is but a sketch, and only somewhat finished, a lot of effort went into it. It is far more work than most people realize to create a work of art, whether it is a musical recording, a drawing, or a written work.

…...Hmm. I think that after she scans it, I shall ask her if I may keep it.

* * *

* In Japanese, both the characters for "Tastebuds" and "Future" are pronounced the exact same way, as "Mirai." In other words, they are homophones.

* * *

...That is really all I want.  
Just... someone to make me feel worthwhile. Like a person.  
But why should something like that be so... important...?

* * *

Next Week (3/20/11) – Chapter 42: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy"


	42. An Excess of Divine Material Energy

Chapter 42: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy"

* * *

After Seo Akira has stuffed her face, she wishes me farewell along with Kohaku. Since Kohaku is also going, the other might as well obtain a ride while they can, especially since Seo's ankle and legs are injured.

"Goodbye, Tohno-senpai! Thank you for the shirt and food! Kohaku-san's cooking was great as always." Seo Akira excitedly waves to me, leaning slightly on Kohaku, her injured ankle taped up with great care thanks to her.

Kohaku smiles, now out of her kimono and back in more regular clothing. "It's nothing, Akira-san. Cooking is something I like and am good at, so I'm truly glad you enjoy it. I'll be sure to make an extra helping when you visit next time, so please call ahead the next time before you stop in if it's a weekend, okay?" Kohaku offers a gentle smile.

"Farewell, you two. Seo, I shall see you tomorrow. As for Kohaku... once again, I wish you to have a good week and will look forward to your visit on Friday." I smile warmly. Though a small part of me wishes Kohaku would stay, more of me wishes for Kohaku's happiness... and I know how much leaving this place has helped her. The fact that she still comes on the weekends shows that she does care for me, and obviously for Hisui... so I rid myself of the disappointing thoughts, and I think of the happy ones.

"Goodbye for now, Akiha-sama. Please take good care of Hisui-chan, Shiki-san, and Len-san for me." She smiles, and walks with Seo towards the limo. After a few moments of putting their things in the trunk, Kohaku helps Seo Akira get in, then it starts up and it begins to pull away.

As I did last week, I watch it drive off, and after it disappears thoughts begin racing in my head as I walk back to my room.

Thoughts of how... strange the last two or three days have been, all things considered.

"...Hisui, I will be in my room if you need to ask something of me," I tell Hisui, who has been in the foyer to see both Seo and her sister off.

"...Of course, Akiha-sama." Hisui bows gracefully as always. "Please rest well."

I nod in affirmation, and I head towards my room. The East Wing of the house, on the second floor. The one room in the house where, generally, Tohno Akiha can almost always be herself.

I walk into the room, and close the door, before opening up the patio door. There is a light but pleasant breeze that is streaming in from outside, and I stand there for a few moments, allowing it to wash over me, to flow through my hair and onto my skin. I take a deep inhale of the steadily-crisping air that is coming with the fall of the sun, and after exhaling it slowly, I turn back into my room.

I walk over to my desk, and as I sit at it, I am able to, for the first time in a long time, more fully contemplate my life over the past week or so.

All of the changes... both good and bad.

A week ago, Tohno Akiha was... well... struggling with herself. Fighting with her demons. Scared. Fearful of what could happen if she lost all control of herself.

Now...?

It feels like more and more pieces of the puzzle that is Tohno Akiha's existence are being found, and put into place.

It feels like... growth. Evolution. Like I'm becoming a better, smarter, more confident Tohno Akiha.

Is it because I feel like my life has a purpose now, after what happened?

Is it because Len has seemingly removed "him" and his influence on my consciousness?

…...Is it because of what happened a few days ago with Souka?

I feel the heat rise up in my cheeks, and my heartbeat begins to quicken thinking about that encounter again.

...An encounter under the clouds, that is unnatural by a biological standpoint, that would doom an organism genetically. After all... it is impossible for two women to have a child together. They lack the male genetics – the gametes of the sperm.

…...But yet, humans are more than creatures of mere genetics.

The human capacity for sentience means that they are capable of doing incredibly irrational things, because they realize what sorts of things they want in their lives – homeostasis, I believe the word is. And a human will do almost anything to see to it that they achieve this homeostasis.

To achieve the happiness they desire.

A condition inherent to humans, and only humans.

Animals of all walks will want to survive, but only humans seem to want to do more than just survive. They want to be able to survive in the way they choose, with the people they choose. They want to be with the people they most desire, because from that, they derive happiness, and from happiness, they find meaning and a feeling of belonging, in terms of life.

And... apparently, seeking out Tohno Akiha is what gave Tsukihime Souka that drive to... well, to do what she did.

I... still cannot believe that, actually. That she, of all people, could ever see me in "that way." I would think if one put a poll to a group of young men, Tohno Akiha and Tsukihime Souka would be considerably down the list of "Whom would you most like to sleep with?" If anything, Hanepin would be first. I am sure of it.

For that matter, I am surprised that she would have the courage to not only take me by surprise, but... to do that to me...

...Or that she was so patient.

How long has she been desiring to do that to me, to give my body such carnal stimulation...?

I do not know if Souka knew that I was... well, untouched like that. If she did, she did a good job of making me... feel things. The right places, the right words...

It was my first time. Before this, I had absolutely no clue about how two women could love each other, how it was possible for them to have sex. And of course I was resistive at first.

But after awhile, my body would simply not do what I wanted it to do... and then even my mind became incapable of protesting. All it could think of was "spread your legs so she can access it more. Rub yourself against it. Thrust your hips harder into it. Savor the delicious feelings that it brings."

Before long, it did not care that it was the fingers and tongue of Tsukihime Souka doing that to my body... indeed, it may not have cared whoever it was doing that. It simply wanted it, wanted all of it, and wanted her to do it until it was satisfied.

...Progressively, the conscious thoughts of Tohno Akiha left her, and all that was left was an instinctual craving to mate... to achieve a climax to the uncomfortable pressure, and too much heat for even me to handle, and nerves firing everywhere with every touch of my skin, of my body...

...And especially... well... down there.

...My only regret... is that it ended too soon, honestly. I really had no chance to make it pleasing for her... she was only getting started, when I was getting finished...

I... I wanted to feel more of it. It felt so good it was maddeningly addicting. And to know that Souka did not care about the mess...

...It felt like it was a little too soon, if you ask me. Losing consciousness was bad enough, but to do it so quickly...

...I feel a little embarrassed that it all happened that fast. Just as I was beginning to truly enjoy it, my body quit on me. Everything faded away, and... that was that. I wake up, and Souka is long gone. Not just from the room, but from the house.

That leaves me with all of the questions, worries, and doubts that have been plaguing my mind, and my thoughts, this whole weekend

...Did... Did my lack of endurance offend her? Did she assume I had done that before and so would last longer...? No, she couldn't have. I think she somehow knew I never had it before, but why did she leave...?

Perhaps she had things to do afterward, and knowing that today would be culture day, she simply took advantage of the extra time granted to her in order to go and do things that she would otherwise have had to put into the rest of her week.

…Perhaps she did stay for awhile, but I simply did not wake up in time. Between that encounter, and the general lack of sleep I had the previous several days, it is little wonder that there is a distinct possibility that I simply slept far too long, and my time simply ran out.

…...Possibly she left simply to avoid the wrath of Tohno Akiha, knowing full well that when she got up, she would be insisting and demanding a conversation with her... at a minimum.

...Does she really think I would be that angry at her? I was surprised, sure, but... angry? I do not think I would go that far, even if something like that happened...

There has to be some sort of deeper meaning behind her departure, then. Perhaps...

…...Perhaps she felt I would hate her forever, and so simply left afterward...?

Why would I hate her over that, though...? I mean, I see why I _**SHOULD**_ hate her over that... but that does not mean that I must hate her over that... it is my choice, after all, and I do not see this as a choice worth hating someone over. There are far worse things Tsukihime Souka could have done to me than to give my body sexual gratification...

I sight heavily. I feel myself getting frustrated. Now here I am, doubting that one of my friends even likes me.

But... that is a silly thought, is it not? Souka still likes me. She would not have been my friend for the last several years if she could not tolerate me. Souka likes me a lot more than I thought she had, or she would not have been able to work up the nerve to try such a thing.

After all, even a male knows he cannot just expect to bed a woman on the first opportunity. If he succeeds, he is either God's proverbial gift to women, or else the woman is of dubious moral character. And I seriously doubt it would be the first of those two.

…...Perhaps Souka truly IS a male in a female body. It is something I would expect out of a male, yes. To take advantage of an opportune moment, to make use of the "right time" as it were, knowing my guard would be down due to her visit...

Still... thinking about that night... about Friday... of all days, the day I wanted to most forget... it turned out to be one of the most memorable days in my life. A day I doubt I will forget. From the whispers of the girls around the campus, you always remember your first, even to your dying day.

...I know not when my dying day will be, but so far, it is holding up.

I can feel my cheeks flush... and my heart race... and I can feel myself... twitching down there, as I had to Souka's touch. My brain is trying to urge a hand to move down there, to cup, to touch, to experience the same exhilaration that Souka had inflicted upon it...

But I should not think about that. Souka is not here, so there is nobody else to do that with, even if I desired it. Me touching it would be... fairly pointless, if someone else is not there to do the rest, right...?

I regretfully shake these newfound thoughts and desires out of my head, and return to a book I have chosen to read. It is about a young woman who is starting her life over.

* * *

It is perhaps 10:30 or so when I decided to put the book down for the night, having read a chapter or two. Good. If I fall asleep by 11 PM, I can get six hours of sleep if I wake up at my normal time, six and a half if I indulge myself a little, or seven if I take only an extremely quick shower. I suppose it will depend on how I feel when the alarm rings at 5 AM, assuming I do not wake before and no longer feel tired.

I do know, for a fact, that short of death or a disease that cripples me, I will not miss going to class tomorrow for the world. Even if a regional branch head of the Tohno died, I would be delaying my trip until I could talk with her. I have been wanting to talk to Souka ever since I awoke... I can only hope she is there early tomorrow, as well.

I walk over to my bathroom, and I begin to strip out of my new clothing I had purchased. While it was nice and comfortable, it is not something to sleep in.

Once I strip completely to near-complete nudity, I cannot help but look down. My nipples seem to be somewhat stiffened, and my skin seems to be slightly flushed.

I blush at my body's own reactions.

More importantly, I blush at the fact that my body is reacting so... readily. I, It is just me... there is no reason whatsoever for it to react the way that it is. I am not an object of sexual desire, so my body should not arouse from seeing what I have seen hundreds, if not thousands, of times in the mirror by now...

…...But the body never does listen to reason, does it?

The mind of the body is a different place from the mind of the soul... and not even I can escape the fact that from a biological point of view, all my body wants right now is... sexual things and desires.

For some reason, Souka seemed to really like it. How it reacted. The cries that came out of my throat. The involuntary movements. The smell of that place... of my private areas... seemed to drive her into a frenzy of lust. I was too out of it to notice it myself, but in my bathroom, I can notice the faint odor.

…...An odd thought crosses my head. It makes me blush. Why would I ever do something like that...? Smell another girl there...?

I lower my underwear and sit on my toilet, and sigh. As I do, I cannot help but look down, and notice that my anatomy is... still a little reddened from Friday, and remembering Friday actually makes it quiver slightly.

I feel even more heat rise to my face and, specifically, my cheeks. Hopefully, the need to urinate will take away some of this feeling. I take a deep breath, relax, and wait for it to begin.

A few moments later, relief begins to course through my body, and I feel the liquid flowing out from me... but sadly, that does not reduce this sensation between my legs.

…...…...

…...I press my thighs together to try to reduce it. This is uncomfortable. Just... go away, please...

The sound of liquid waste filling the toilet is audible in here, but it is not relieving the craving. If anything... it is... making it worse...

...Then, I've thought about Souka too much, and now my body is expecting the sort of relief that she provided to it. It is not looking for the removal of bodily wastes... it is looking for a sexual relief. A release of the tension it has built up. Looking down at my anatomy made me remember what we did last Friday... and remembering it has altered my body's state into this...

I... cannot believe this. She is not here, so stop... there is no point in feeling this way...

…...And yet... it does not stop, even as my liquid waste does.

I sigh in frustration, spread my thighs a little to give my hand easier access, and carefully gather toilet paper to wipe the fluids. I fold it over upon itself twice, and then begin to wipe.

"Kha–?ǃ"

An involuntary cry comes out of my throat, and I shiver furiously like I was dying of cold as I wipe. For some reason, my body is _**INCREDIBLY**_ sensate there at this moment...

I look down upon myself carefully. The... labia, I think... have become slightly swollen and reddened. The clitoris is sticking out a little, and I can tell it is twitching slightly with the beat of my heart. But they are not the only things I notice that has become strangely altered.

It is…... a fluid?

But, it is not urine. Urine would not have this sort of sticky, stringy consistency. It is certainly not blood. And it cannot be saliva.

…...Then... it must be arousal fluids... mine...?

...From... wiping myself? I thought women only supposed to produce this when they want to have sex...?

…...Is my body seriously suggesting that it wants me to have sex while I am in a bathroom? Where... people go to eliminate all of the things their bodies have no uses for...?

...No. That is just too weird. I very carefully dab up the fluids with some more toilet paper, until I detect no more, and get changed into my clean underwear and nightgown. I walk back into my bedroom, and curl up into my bed, closing my eyes, doing my best to ignore the pangs of discomfort my body is forced to go through.

It wants something. It wants anything. But... I have nothing it can be offered, so I will just have to suffer through with these feelings, until they go away... or until I fall asleep.

It is warm. It hugs me, as it always has. There is no doubt that with this level of comfort, I shall fall into a deep sleep before I know it.

And tonight, I will dream of Nii-san. Just as Len said that I could. I close my eyes, and think of him... and only him…...…

...Nii-san... I will see you tonight. I promise...

…...…...There is a knock at my bedroom door. At this time of night...? Probably Hisui, or Yumizuka-san.

My eyes open up, and I sit up slightly. "Yes? Who is it...?"

"Akiha... can I come in for a minute?"

…...Nii-san...?

"...O... of course," I say. "Please, come in."

The door opens, and Nii-san enters. His wounds have healed rather nicely, and he seems to be no longer limping. For this, I am relieved. He came home in rather bad shape, but now that he has a full life, he heals about twice as fast as he used to, and since his body was so used to healing with half of a life, it has accelerated his healing to be at the peak of human limits. Perhaps even slightly faster.

"What is it, Nii-san? I am attempting to go to sleep, so please do not take too much time." I look at him, carefully, resting my hands in my lap.

He walks over, and sits on the foot of my bed. He appears to have some kind of heavy burden troubling him. "Akiha..." he sighs a bit. "...Akiha, how can you do it?"

"Eh? Do... what, Nii-san?" I blink, confused.

"How can you put up with me and all of the things I do? I lie to you, I ignore you, sometimes I don't even really think about you, so why...?" Like an out-of-control faucet, Nii-san sprays his worries, doubts, and fears all over, unable to hold them back any longer.

...But why, he asks? That is a very simple answer.

It is because I love you and want to be with you. Forever.

That is what I want to say. But... Nii-san does not see me in that way outside of dreams, so...

I sigh, and offer a half-truth, to try to assuage my own apology to myself. "It is... because that is what a sister does for a brother, Nii-san. She supports him even if she does not like the decisions he makes. A family must be on the same page if they are going to be there for each other, so even though you have fallen in love with Kohaku, I shall always love you, too."

...I would like to finish it with "...in all the ways a woman can love you, Nii-san," but I know he will not hear it... or worse, will misinterpret it. So I force that part of the sentence to stay in my brain. What I have told him is close enough to the truth without it being the actual truth.

He smiles at my words just the same, however. Nii-san's smile is... radiant. It fits him so well.

"Akiha... you've given me a lot, you know... I haven't given you much, though." He sheepishly confesses with a sigh. It is almost as if I can hear him say "I guess it cannot be helped."

I look at him, and cross my arms slightly. Well, at least he is honest with himself. More importantly, he is acknowledging the one-sided nature of this relationship that we seem to share. I give, I give, and I give, and I receive, on occasion, a smile or a compliment. But past that...

"Well, that is true to an extent, Nii-san," I announce to him, with a sigh of displeasure, closing my eyes and looking away from him. "You have happily left me on my own and broken my rules without my permission, so why do y–"

My speech is interrupted by a kiss on the lips.

My eyes widen as I realize that.

My heart stops beating. I can hear the blood inside of my body swirl completely, like a lake undergoing a seiche.

Nii-san and I have kissed before... I remember when we were kids, he once kissed me on the forehead in the garden, so why...

…...…Why does my heart stop like this from a simple kiss?

Because it is him, isn't it...?

That is the only thought my brain can process.

His lips, pressed against mine. Warm. Soft. Full. Just like they were nine years ago.

His hands embrace me. Carefully. Slowly. Lovingly. Protectively.

I feel the heat in my body rise. Just from this... just from this, it feels like...

...Like I did with Souka...

Nii-san breaks away from me. I had hoped it would last forever. Tohno Akiha could have died in Nii-san's arms then and there, and it would have been a happy, peaceful death, with no regrets or complaints.

He looks at me, with bright, gray eyes due to his glasses. I look back at him, with eyes that are blue and filled perhaps slightly with tears. My breathing has quickened, and to compensate for stopping for a moment, my heart resumes its beat, beating faster to catch up for those few moments that Tohno Akiha had died.

"Akiha..." The simple, quiet declaration of a name.

"...Nii-san..." The similarly simple, quiet declaration of someone for whom a name is not respectful enough.

His lips once more seal over mine, and he kisses me more deeply, more fully... and I find my body's resistance all but gone.

As we settle back on the bed, lips still pressed, bodies still embraced, heat surely rising within both of us, only one conclusion can be reached in my mind.

Nii-san... and I... are... about to have sex…...

* * *

I... Is this real...?  
Am... am I really going to...?  
Are me and him... going to do... that...?

* * *

Next Week (3/27/11) – Chapter 43: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy, Part II"


	43. An Excess of Divine Material Energy II

Chapter 43: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy, Part II"

* * *

_**(Warning: This chapter contains sexual content. If you are offended by such content, or do not like to see straight pairings, you may wish to skip this chapter.)**_

* * *

...We are... aren't we...? We're going to have sex...

Here... Now... In my bed...

I have desired this for so long... so...

...Why do I feel afraid...?

…...Because I only thought I wanted this but really don't...? N-No, that's not it...

...It's because Kohaku might kill us for it... yes... that's it. If, if I slept with him, she would surely find some sort of way to get revenge...

His lips pull away from mine after a moment. Soft, warm, and full, a part of me tells me to pull his head down with my hand, and press them into mine once more... but I force it down with sheer, complete willpower, and manage to get my voice to speak, if somewhat shakily. "...N-Nii-san... but... you love Kohaku... so why are you–"

He quiets me by putting a finger to my lips. Shhhhhh. It's the sound he makes, before pulling his finger away.

"I have her blessing," he simply says with a smile.

I feel my eyes widen in sheer shock. She…... actually gave him permission to be... adulterous?ǃ

That's... Kohaku is a lot of things, but not even she would willingly give him permission to sleep around in that manner! That is unacceptable!

"Nii-san, if that is her plan, then I refuse to– mmmmmmf?ǃ"

His lips kiss mine again. Firmer. Harder. His arms wrapping carefully around the back of my neck and upper shoulders as he does so. Almost as if it were magic, I could feel the energy, and the thoughts, that I would need to argue leaving my body.

Part of me demands to push him off of me and ask him what the hell does he think he is doing, but part of me... part of me wants this...

…...What do I do...? I'm so confused right now…... I want to stop him, but I also don't want him to stop...

...And... knowing it is his lips pressing against mine... is making my panties stick to my body. I, I'm getting... aroused, again...

I feel my cheeks fill fresh with blood at my embarrassment, realizing that I'm getting aroused just by a kiss like this...

To get that aroused from a simple, mere kiss... is my mind truly that depraved...?

"...Ah?ǃ"

The sound of my own voice catches me by surprise. Nii-san has slipped his hand under my nightgown, and he is massaging my left breast...

His hand... it cups and rubs the flesh like it was meant to be used for that purpose, and that purpose alone.

"N-Nii-san..." I manage to choke out, attempting a feeble protest... but before I can continue, he gives my breast another squeeze, sending a spark through my body that makes me shiver. I feel my heart thumping harder inside of the breast, from his squeezing, and just from these two things alone, I can tell my breathing is quicker than normal...

"Shh. Just lay back and enjoy this, Akiha. It's all for you, tonight." The smile that comes from behind those glasses... it's so kind, that it's cruel...

"B...But... Kohaku's... are..." I begin another protest.

"I don't care. It's not the size, it's how they suit the girl... and smaller breasts suit you just fine, Akiha." The smile widens even more, even as the rest of the world screeches to a halt.

…...…...

…...He…... likes them…... that way…...?

...Why...? Surely... women with bigger breasts gain the better males, as Hanei is all-too-easily able to prove without even really trying, so why are mine–

"...Haahǃ?"

...He... he managed to pull my bra up as I was lost in thought... and now he's... pinching... my nipple...

Messages of delight slam into my brain like a precision strike from a martial artist, with such force that it knocks even more of my thoughts from my head. The more he rolls it between his fingers, the quieter the voices inside my head that are chanting "stop him" get... and the louder the voices of "enjoy your body's pleasure" become.

"Nnn... Nii-san... this... isn't right…..." I gasp sharply as his fingers roll the flesh between them. I feel my head thrash on the pillow, despite itself, just from this...

"Oh? But your body's saying it wants this badly, Akiha... see? The other one's hard and sticking up through your nightgown." He tugs on the other nipple between his fingertips lightly.

"I... Idiot... it'd... react that way to anyone..." I squirm a little, my eyes shut tight, and my legs moving apart slowly but surely.

"But you'd resist harder if it were anyone else. But yet for me, you're not even resisting at all, Akiha..." he offers in that cruel-yet-kind voice. "So that means you really do want this... and so do I."

…...…He's... right. I'm not...

If... if it were any other male trying to do this to me, I would be fighting them the whole way... and unless they were more of a monster than I am, I would win.

But... if it's Nii-san, it's... it's like my whole body is just a toy for him... a doll he can move and pose any way he likes... a mere toy that is for his amusement.

Everywhere, and everything, is accessible to him... for he is the puppeteer.

With his other hand, I can feel Nii-san pulling on my nightgown. Taking it off... and as if entranced, my body moves to allow it, my arms lifting so he can get it off easier, before pulling away the covers and looking me over, like a bird with its prey.

I blush slightly in embarrassment, because he's actually looking at me in "that" way... instinctively, my hands and arms reach for my chest to cover my breasts, and for my underwear, to hide the growing damp spot that is surely soaking through them. Even though it's him doing these things, my body still attempts to preserve its modesty...

"Akiha... don't you get it? You're beautiful the way you are. You don't need to be bigger, or curvier. And you definitely don't need to hide what's so naturally beautiful on you." He says these things in that same calm, happy voice. "I like you this way, so don't change a thing."

"...Nii-san..." It's all I can say... my mind is unable to find room for complaints. It is melting right now just knowing he is looking at my nearly-nude body... and all of that liquid heat that my body has produced... I can feel it slowly flowing out...

I can see him smirk slightly. "Besides... it looks like your body's liking this even more than I thought."

"E-Eh? What do you mean by–"

...?ǃǃ

A jolt of pleasure surges through my body upon Nii-san touching my panties. The one thing left that is protecting Tohno Akiha from being totally immoral.

"What do I mean by what, Akiha? Hmm?" His fingers rub on the very crotch of them.

They're rubbing... nearly directly on my clitoris... and I can feel the wetness that has soaked into them...

It is all I can do to gasp and shudder, and try not to scream from the sensation. If Hisui were to hear...

"Wow. Akiha... you're soaked. I guess you really have wanted this for all that time." He says this in a voice that's almost... mockingly amused.

"G-Geh... don't say that..." I blush hard in embarrassment as his fingers trace themselves up and down over the folds down there, pushing even more wetness into my panties and making me begin to get needy with desire. In. I want them in...

Nii-san's fingers continue to rub for a minute or so before stopping. "Mmm... I think you're a little more ready now, Akiha." I hear him inhale deeply. He's...

...Smelling me...?ǃ

"N-Nii-san!" I shout out loudly, absolutely humiliated and shocked.

But he laughs. "Akiha, what, you think you don't smell nice there? You're beautiful. It suits you."

...H, How can he say that's nice! That's body odor! A specific body odor! An odor that one does not... no, should not smell!

"Th-That's not the point...! Th-that's something that's not meant to be inhaled like– ahhhhhhhhhhh..."

I cannot finish my sentence. As I was trying to explain myself, Nii-san simply had pushed my panties over and began running his tongue up and down along the pink, delicate folds of my inner labia.

Souka had been first, but this was Nii-san's tongue... my body reacted much more strongly, and any thoughts I had of stopping this quickly faded, and before long were long gone. I simply no longer cared.

"Mmmm... that's better, Akiha. Just relax, and I'll take care of everything, okay?" With unspoken agreement, he spreads my legs apart with his hands, and resumes licking up and down, his hands rubbing and caressing my inner thighs as he does so.

I can feel my body shiver and writhe, and I feel my breath hitch in my lungs each time his tongue moves...

His tongue... so much different from Souka's... so much... rougher, and better... the way he does it... it's bold and sharp, like a man... and all I can do lie there, shivering, panting, and grunting like I am helpless...

...But... I am helpless, really...

It's like... it's like all I can do is lay there, with my eyes half-closed, and watch with fascination as his tongue moves, occasionally apparent, in and around the folds. The folds that are able to speak far more than the other pair of lips that I possess...

Words cannot describe this feeling. Souka's was good...but with Nii-san, it's so much bolder...

I gasp sharply. I can feel that heat quickly beginning to build as his tongue rubs there, faster and harder. No! Not so soon! Not with Nii-san!

But his thick tongue... his experience at this... it is all too much for my nearly-untouched body to bear... and the assault on my body refuses to cease...

My eyes open and my body automatically gasps as I feel what's best described as a twinge in the pit of my stomach, followed by what feels like liquid fire heading from my belly button straight down towards my vagina...

"...NII-SAN!"

It's all I can cry out as my hands frantically scramble for something, anything, to hold on to, eventually settling for a hard grab at my bed covers, as I choke out my words while bliss overtakes me... and despite my best efforts, my body shudders hard, the toes curling hard and the hands gripping my blankets with a death grip, as convulsions of my vagina throb and fluids pour out, shocked by what he has done to it. All by simply licking, just like Souka did... not even for as long as she did...

And just like then, I feel my eyes getting heavy... no... must fight it... he'll be disappointed if I... but... so very hard... close... open... close…...

...The touch of his fingers on my forehead brings me out of this state. Within a few moments, my eyes open more fully, and I look at him, drained, tired, exhausted, and panting, to which he smiles.

"Mmm. Not yet, Akiha." He says it just as warmly as all of his other words tonight. "It won't be as good if you pass out so soon. So, tell you what... while you recover..."

With this unfinished statement, he pulls off his pajama bottoms completely. Half in a daze, my eyes gaze in his direction, almost as if it were automatic and perfectly natural to look between his legs.

I am, of course, looking at "it." His penis...

It's a little swollen with his own arousal, but not fully. The male must be aroused to gain an erection, and only then can he and a girl have sex...

…...Even I know that...

"Akiha... if you want this inside you... you'll have to work with it..." With this simple statement, he settles back fully, allowing me complete access to his body. Unlike me... or perhaps because of Kohaku's relationship with him... there is no hint of shame, embarrassment, or hesitancy in Nii-san so... openly displaying his genitals. All that is there, is a warm, encouraging smile.

If I want it inside of me, he said...

If...?

It's no longer a question of if, it's a question of when...

As if entranced, I sit up, blushing. "I…... I've... never done this before, Nii-san..." I'm embarrassed. It's true... I've never done it before... "...So please... if I do something wrong... speak up..."

…...And yet, somehow, I know exactly what he wants... and what I have to do for it.

He simply smiles. "It'll be okay, Akiha. Just follow your instincts..."

I nod, and hesitantly, carefully, reach out for his penis, closing my hand around it carefully. It's warm, and slightly firm to squeeze. I feel it throb in my hand as I squeeze it, so I begin to squeeze it a little harder. I can feel Nii-san's body shudder and hear a slight groan from deep in his throat.

My hands... must feel that good to him. He's also definitely not stopping me, which is encouraging... so I put more effort and focus into it, since I seem to be doing things right.

I... cannot resist the impulsive urge to kiss the tip as I squeeze it. The tip, in contrast to the rest of it, is still notably soft. A gasp comes from his lips, and he whispers my name in the sweetest voice in the world.

"Akiha..."

My face is fully red. I can feel the fluids of my arousal seeping out of me. It... it wants me to put him inside of me. Like he was born for that purpose, and I was born to receive him. To take my virginity, like he was meant to do all along...

He continues to grow firmer and harder with every rub and kiss, as his voice becomes needier, sweeter. I notice a little bit of clear fluid has gathered at the opening.

I steel myself. If he was able to lick my obscene fluids... then... it'd be rude to not do the same for him, so... so shall I...

I lower my head slightly, and after a moment's hesitation... I run my tongue across the opening.

Nii-san gasps sharply once more in reply, and his hands reach for my head... much as my own did to Souka, on instinct, I realize fleetingly after a momentary thought.

The taste... is interesting. It is hard to describe. It is not exactly delicious, but... it is not bad, either. It is sticky, but with a hint of sweetness to it. It makes me lust for more...

Before I can even rationalize what I am doing, or even really think about it, I impulsively shove him into my mouth.

"A-Akiha!" His hips push slightly towards my face when I do. He was only fairly firm before, but his firmness begins to increase rapidly inside of my mouth, filling more and more of the space provided to it.

I had heard whispers of this from some random talk on campus. Some third-years were, of course, being horrible senpai to their kouhai. "It's easy," the blonde one was saying. "Just put it in your mouth, and move your mouth up and down." The first-year who was hearing this explanation was shocked and she blushed hard.

I believe the colloquial term for it is a "blowjob."

So... that was what I decided to do. I pushed my mouth up and down, making Nii-san's penis move in and out of my mouth. As I did so, I looked up at him, wondering what he would be looking at, what he was seeing.

Nii-san seemed to be far gone. His eyes were not looking at me. They were slightly glassy, and half-closed as he gasped for air. He did not appear to be in pain. They were looking off, somewhat vacantly, towards a wall in the room.

Normally, I should be mad. But... knowing I am making his body feel warm and good... somehow, even though he is not looking at me, I am proud that I have managed to get such a look on his face. It's... such a perverted and filthy look, but... I know I am doing this right, definitely. With my confidence increasing, my speed follows.

…...…Is this how I looked when Souka was licking me between my legs? That look that the mind is gone, and all that is left is the body that was craving pleasure...? I do not know. All I know is he is not telling me to stop... so I do not.

I inhale deeply, smelling the oddly pleasant odor that seems to be trapped in the hair, and especially strong on the small pouch of skin below... an odor that makes an involuntary moan come from deep in my throat. Casually, I move my hand down between my own legs, and I can feel the moisture dripping from me as I do this to Nii-san. As if it were perfectly natural, my hand begins to rub between my legs, pleasuring myself as my mouth pleasures Nii-san's body simply and honestly.

Nii-san, the only male I ever wanted to do this with...

My other hand rubs his inner thighs, as he had rubbed mine, encouraging along the sensations that must surely be blasting through his body. But sadly... eventually... the hardening stops. It seems Nii-san is as "swollen" as he shall get.

I pull my mouth away for a moment, to stare at what I have created... a thing that could be generously described as some sort of mutant mushroom, moistened with spit, and twitching and throbbing impatiently. It wants to be somewhere warm and moist.

...And it would be rude to refuse its simple wish. So I put the "mushroom" back into my mouth once more, and redouble my efforts.

I don't dare stop. I finally have this. I won't stop until I get what I want.

And what I want... is Nii-san's love... all of it... especially that part of it...

I throw myself fully into pleasing him. Kohaku might have done it first... she may have beaten me into bedding him... but I will do it better! I will not make him regret coming to me tonight! I will make it an experience he will never forget...

With a grunt, I get the warning that shows I have been doing a good job. "A-Akiha...!" I feel him try to gently pull my head away from him, as he approaches his point of no return.

How sweet of Nii-san... he does not wish to force me to swallow that.

But I push at his hands with my spare hand, so that I can keep my head firmly on him, my tongue pressed to the underside as I move my head. That's where it's sensitive, I heard.

...That's what will make him come. That's what will make him ejaculate into my mouth.

I don't know why I want that, specifically, but... I know want that. I want every drop that I can get. Because I love him so much... that even if it tastes bad, I will do this anytime he wants it.

For Nii-san... nothing less than all of Tohno Akiha's love will suffice. And likewise... nothing less than all of his love will make Tohno Akiha happy.

And sure enough, moments later, I get my reward. A sharp, repeated gasp comes from Nii-san's throat and lungs, then with a shudder, I can feel him throb against my tongue... followed a moment later by some thick, hot, and sticky fluid entering my mouth.

My eyes widen. Instinctively, I swallow the fluid that is surging into my mouth. With each throb, more of it pours in, as if I had taken quite a greedy drink.

...Bitter. Unpleasant. It smells like the bleach that Kohaku uses on our white clothing.

But, still... it's Nii-san's... he also swallowed mine... so... this is only fair... and despite myself, I find noises coming out of my throat in between swallows. Gentle cooing noises, as if encouraging him to allow himself to fully empty himself into my mouth.

I swallow as much of the fluids as I can, until I can no longer exhale, and only then do I open my mouth and gasp for air. A few remnant globs drool out of my mouth, and down my chin and chest. My lungs surge and heave, desiring oxygen.

I remove my mouth from him, looking at his malehood. A line of saliva and semen stretch from his body to my lips. It is coated in both of our fluids, and it twitches with his racing heart. It is beginning to shrink in size slightly.

"Was... that good, Nii-san?" I ask, a little embarrassed. His eyes are closed tight, and he is panting for air. It... surely isn't his first... it can't be... right...? No, don't be silly, Akiha, surely Kohaku's done this before, right...?

"…...…...Akiha... it... felt like you wanted to suck my soul out of my body..." He finally manages to get these words out, as he struggles to recover his breath once more.

I... think that is a good complement... right?

His eyes reopen, and though they are glassy somewhat, he looks at me... and blushing slightly, he begins to re-harden. When I see this, I feel blood rise to my cheeks once more, and I can feel the heat inside of my body climb a little higher.

"...Nii-san...?" I blink. Did... I not do good enough? I heard males aren't supposed to remain that way... Usually once they orgasm, that is all, isn't it...? I did not want him to be so spent from what I did that he would not be able to have sex... if that happened, then I would certainly have stopped before orgasm so that he could continue...

He laughs slightly. "Akiha... you look... adorable like that..."

…...Adorable?

Coated in…... his fluids? How...? It... it's a mess, isn't it? Although, I don't want to clean it off of me right now... I want it to stay…... for some reason... I can't explain why, but...

"It's... making me want to go again... if you want to, Akiha..." he asks, looking at me.

I blush as I watch his penis once more. How I look must indeed please him... for it is starting to grow once more, and the more it grows, the more it twitches and throbs, just as it had before I began to do that to him.

"Then... if you are ready, Nii-san, then please... I don't want to wait anymore..." I say. I'm embarrassed... so embarrassed that I almost can't stand it anymore... but... after we exchanged fluids like that... it'd be kind of silly if we were not able to fully indulge in sex, wouldn't it...?

He nods, and motions for me to climb over on top of him. I do so. I blush as I can feel him... contacting me between my legs... getting firmer by the second as my slickened flesh rubs his own. In. Please go in. Please go in so deeply that I can feel him in my stomach, and never leave...

"Are... are you ready, Akiha?" He asks me once more, as if giving me one last chance to back out of this.

"…...Y-Yeah," I answer in an uncharacteristically frightened whisper. I know enough about sex to know losing my virginity will hurt... possibly a good deal. I close my eyes, clench my teeth slightly, and await the pain...

...But pain is not what arrives. What does, is a gasp. A female gasp. A gasp of shock.

Followed by a voice calling "…...…...…...…T-TOHNO-KUN?ǃ?ǃ?ǃ"

…...It is the voice of Yumizuka Satsuki...

* * *

...What do I do?  
...What do I say?  
...How do I explain...?

* * *

Next Week (4/3/11) – Chapter 44: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy, Part III"


	44. April Fools Gag Chapter 2011

**Author's Note**

This chapter was just something I wrote up because I happen to like celebrating April Fool's Day. Furthermore, I wanted to see how well it would be handled - and how many people would notice - that I had released a chapter "out of date" so to speak.

Obviously, this is _**NOT**_ the real chapter 44. So if you're looking to just continue the smut, smack the "Next Chapter" button. Otherwise, if you're here for a laugh and to see how horribly I could break my own plot... you're in the right place.

Oh yes: Response to it was quite good. Thanks to the reviewers who "reviewed" it. I hope you all had a good laugh. :)

* * *

Chapter 44: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy, Part III"

* * *

_**(Warning: This chapter contains sexual content. If you are offended by such content, or do not like to see straight pairings, you may wish to skip this chapter.)**_

* * *

It is far too late to hide what we were doing. Nii-san was naked. I was nearly naked, with my bra off my breasts and my panties pushed aside, and my organs drooling my arousal onto Nii-san's body.

"What are you doing, Tohno-kun? You were supposed to wait for Kohaku-chan and Mech-Hisui-chan!" Yumizuka pouts.

...And what did she just say...? Mech... Hisui-chan...?

Something's not right about that...

"_**THAT'S**_ what I forgot!" Nii-san slaps himself stupidly in the forehead. "Yeah, sorry, Yumizuka. Come on, Akiha, get off me."

"E-Eh?ǃ Nii-san, wait–"

Disregarding my plea, I am quickly shoved off by Nii-san. The fluids that had joined us arc together like a dolphin doing a backflip in midair before they break.

"Y... You can't stop now, Nii-san...! After all of those things you told me...!" I feel my throat tightening.

"Oh, it's nothing. Besides, it's all part of Yumizuka's Ultimate Plan of Misaki Domination." He shrugs his shoulders apologetically.

"U... Ultimate Plan of...?ǃ Nii-san... what are you babbling on about?ǃ?" I shout.

"Really, it's nothing fancy," Yumizuka-san answers with a smile. "Just to get some nice, incriminating blackmail material. Then this way I can fuck Tohno-kun all I want, and you have to watch me do it because I have the photographic proof." She holds up a small camera. "You didn't even need to smile for the camera... you already were smiling, fufu."

"Th... That's inexcusable! Give me your camera now, Yumizuka-san!" I begin to storm over there, after getting up off of the bed.

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Akiha-san." Yumizuka-san answers with a somewhat cold smile as she slips the camera down the front of her top.

"...Maybe I should make you, then?" I can already feel my blood starting to boil. My hands clench into fists as I approach.

"Eh, it's up to you," Yumizuka-san says with a shrug of her shoulders. "Although I know one person won't be happy with it."

"Well who cares about them?ǃ " That's enough... if Yumizuka-san won't give the camera willingly, then I'll just have to take it by for–

_**"OCEAN SPRAY!"**_

Immediately, the room fills with a huge swell of seawater. A wave pours into the room. It is all I can do to hold my breath before the wave hits. It slams into me, dragging me under. The sheer force of it makes me black out.

* * *

When I come to, I am on a beach. Crabs walk sideways, looking at me, debating if I am a very large meal or not. I kick sand at them until they scurry away... sideways.

...There's something fishy about this, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

It takes some effort to get off of the ground, as if I had been stuck to it like an octopus tentacle. But eventually, I pull myself up off of the ground, and look around.

It's definitely a beach. But at _**THIS**_ time of year? The beaches should be fairly cold, if not the water itself. Yet the water was definitely warm as it lapped at my body, like the sticky remains of a jellyfish that had been left out in the sun for too long.

In the distance, is a white-haired man, sitting under an umbrella, calmly sipping on a pink colored drink. He notices me standing, and shouts "Over here, dudette!" in a very loud voice.

...What the hell is this...?ǃ

I try to keep my calm while walking over... ignoring the fact that I'm nearly naked, in just my bra and – thankfully – my underwear.

"Yo," the man says with a grin as I walk up.

"You... what is the meaning of this?ǃ Where is Nii-san and Yumizuka-sanǃ?" I shout angrily.

"Whoa whoa whoa... calm down, dudette. Don't be a buzzkill." He laughs heartily. "Sit down. Have a drink. Maybe you wanna hang ten?"

...Hang... Ten...?ǃ

D... Did this man just propose what I think he was...?ǃ

"...What kind of a girl do you think I am, you pervertǃ?"

"An awesome one." He points at me while giving a thumbs-up gesture. "Who's awesome? You're awesome. And that makes me awesome!"

"...If you think I am some sort of participant in Enjo Kosai, forget about it! Find somebody else for that!"

He laughs. "No way, dudette! Why would I want something like that? I already got someone for that. HEY, MIYA, COME ON OUT AND SAY HELLO!"

...Well... fine, then. I suppose that maybe I was mis–

"Zelly! You called for me...? Huh, oh, hi Akiha!" An all-too-familiar voice.

"...W... W, W, W, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?ǃ?ǃ?ǃ What are you doing with Nii-san's younger cousin?ǃ?ǃ?ǃ "

"Oh, you know each other?" The man looks surprised. "...Heh, that's awesome! You should've told me you know her, Miya!"

...Arima Miyako. Nii-san's younger step-sister. Well, she's as related to him as I am, but...

"...Miyako is ELEVEN, you pervert!"

"Hm? Oh well. You know what they say... if there's grass on the field, play ball!" This horrible man laughs at his own tasteless joke.

"...Miyako. If you do not wish to be by this... this... foul man anymore, just say the word and I'll–"

"You're not gonna take me away from Zelly!" She shouts and gets into a fighting stance. "C'mon! Bajiquan doesn't need a second blow!"

...Really.

This is just too much. Way too much.

"...Fine, forget it. Stay with him. Just don't beg me to rescue you!" In a huff, I walk off.

"Eh, oh well! Seeya, dudette! C'mon, Miya! Let's ride the waves!" The pedophile in the Hawaiian shirt says.

"Radical!" The little girl who does not know better chimes in.

...Really... those two... I don't want to be near them. If she insists on letting him be a damn lolicon, then fine, Nii-san can deal with it!

I have better things to bother with...

...Like figuring out where the heck I am, in the first place...

"Over here, Akiha-sama!"

...A familiar voice.

"...Kohakuǃ? Wait, I will be over there in a second!"

Immediately, my body shifts its energy into running. The voice was somewhat distant. It is perhaps a hundred yard sprint, maybe one hundred fifty. But I make the run.

"...Kohaku, where are–"

...you...?

...Why do you have the tail of a fish?

...Why are you sitting on a rock?

"Pleasant day to you, A-Ki-Ha-Sa-Ma~~~" She sings.

"...Kohaku, why are you dressed as a mermaid?"

"Eh? This is how I've always been, Akiha-sama. You remember that, right...?"

Remember...? No, I do not...

"You pulled me out of the water as a sea cucumber and kissed me. And that let me turn back into my native mermaid form!"

Native... mermaid form. Kohaku.

...Riiiiiiight.

"Kohaku, I have no time for games."

"Oh? Not even the one you'd get by reading the first handful of letters at the start of the chapter?"

"Idiot, don't change subjects like that! Such things hardly matter! Look... just... take me back to Nii-san, alright?ǃ "

"Fufufu, of course, Akiha-sama." With this, she hops off the rock and dives under the waves.

"W... Wait! Kohaku! Where are you–"

SPLASH.

I'm suddenly grabbed and pulled underwater... and kissed firmly. Hard.

...By Kohaku. Of all people...

It lasts for a good ten seconds before it breaks. "There! Now you can breathe underwater, Akiha-sama." Then without warning, she slaps me hard in the face with her tail.

"OW! KOHAKU, YOU WILL STOP THAT THIS..."

...Instant...

...I can breathe underwater. I can speak underwater. I know kung fu. One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong.

"Well? Did you like the Miracle Oxygen Formula Amber? Fufufu..." The mermaid in front of me grins in the manner of her bottom half's arch-enemy. "Come on, Akiha-sama. I'll swim slowly, since I know you're not so good at it." Of course, this is followed by the thief... fish shooting off like a sea cucumber if you stroke it.

With a sigh, I watch as she swims towards a dome in the distance. I suppose I should follow her...

* * *

"Welcome to Atlanta," The blue-haired, slightly-drunk looking woman with red eyes greets me. "Name's Sumire. I'll be your hostess with the mostess," she announces, smiling with slightly ruddy cheeks.

"Fufu, you'll like Sumire-san, Akiha-sama. She can hold her liquor better than you." The girl who swam "slowly" here is lounging in a gigantic fish tank.

"...Is that so? I'm tempted to say let's try it." I offer an ineffectual shrug.

"Yeah? A lightweight like you holding your liquor? Come on then, we'll try it. Oh, don't mind what's going on, by the way."With this, the blue-haired woman hiccups slightly, her chest bouncing as she does, and she walks off.

She leads me through a room. Inside, a dog is chasing cats.

"NYA-NYA-NYA! Scurry, run, flee, flee!" The golden-haired one says.

"This is hell, you shitty cat!" says one with, inexplicably, a cigarette dangling from its lips.

"Wahhh! Where's Rider when I need her?ǃ " A third, blue-haired one screams.

"C'mon, Primate Murder! They deserve whatever they get. Quit messing around and catch them already!" The black-haired girl watching this scene, bored, glares at the dog chasing the three strangely humanoid cats.

Before I can ask any further on this, I'm whisked away by the blue-haired woman.

"Ah, here it is. She effortlessly picks up a cask and sets it down as if it weighed nothing, despite the fact that it hit the floor fairly hard from the sheer weight of the liquid inside.

"...Bitch's Brew?" I say with trepidation.

"Yep! From Santa-san himself up on the surface. Guaranteed delivery instantly or it's on him!"

...Instant delivery? That is quite the promise...

"...He made good on it, then?" I ask.

"Sure did!" The woman answers with quite a smile. "So! Gonna try some, or are you gonna chicken out?"

...Heh. Tohno Akiha doesn't chicken out for anyone.

"You provide the glass, and I'll drink it," I tell her with cool confidence.

"Really?" She smirks, and as if by magic, produces two small glasses in her hand.

Of course, I am fairly familiar with such drinking glasses. These... are shot glasses. Usually reserved for hard liquor.

"Worried?" She smiles once more.

"...Of course not," I tell her with confidence, albeit false confidence. I take one glass from her hand. The woman named Sumire bends down slightly, pushes a tap once, and a perfect amount fills the glass. I, likewise, do the same.

"Bottoms up. Just hopefully not that bottom, heh." With this, the woman casually tosses back her drink as if it were nothing. After a moment of adjustment, she belches, and looks at me. "...Well? Your turn."

...Heh. If she can do this so easily, it still should not be a problem with me, even if she is an experienced drunk.

As casually as she had, I toss back the drink, swallowing quickly so that my mouth is not burned too much.

...And everything is fine.

...For ten seconds.

Then, I begin seeing flowers in the shape of Hisui growing out of the floor.

I stare at them in disbelief.

Soon, more begin to spring up. Ones with Kohaku. Nii-san. Yumizuka-san. Seo. Souka. Hanei... and the one of Hanei have very large... petals, I note.

"Hah! You said it wouldn't affect you. You're already looking at the floor drunkenly like a fool."

Her words... they're this wonderful rainbow of color, and taste rather like steak. They quench my thirst like few things can.

Amazed, I watch as they drift towards the wall, and follow an impetus to chase them. I even succeed at defying gravity... at least, until gravity decides it's changed its mind and moved so I fall once again. Doing so knocks me unconscious.

* * *

When I come to, I am walking along a street. It is what appears to be a commerce street. Small stores line the roadway.

I do not know how long I have been walking.

"...Where am I...?" I mutter to myself, holding my head, which is pounding over and over like a fish trying to swim up a waterfall.

As my vision clears, and I can stand to open my eyes in the sun more, I begin to look at the many stores that are lining this street.

"...Unlimited Bread Works? That is an unusual name for a bakery..."

Looking inside through the opened door, I see a tall, tan-skinned man apparently reciting a poem as he rolls a ball of dough.

"I am the yeast of my dough.  
Flour is my body, and water is my blood.  
I have baked over a thousand loaves.  
Unknown to staleness, nor known to mold.  
Have withstood pain to create many pastries.  
Yet these lips shall never taste anything.  
So as I slave...  
Unlimited Bread Works!"

...The ball of dough instantly transforms into a loaf of French Bread.

...Note to self. Tell Kohaku to never, EVER get bread from this place. Who knows what else is in it...

I keep walking. The headache seems to be going away a little.

A few blocks down the road, a man wearing what appears to be a necklace. He is in what looks to be a crudely made wooden stand.

On the stand is written "Puppies 4 Sale."

...One look at this man tells me he is somehow not the type to be selling puppies.

"Breeder. Araya Souren."

"...Excuse me?" I ask.

"That is my calling in life. To breed the finest animals, and sell them."

...Perhaps he is a failed monk, then, who just wears the trappings of one as some sort of way to gain some leverage.

"...I am not interested in purchasing a dog, sir," I tell him flatly.

"Oh? But this one needs a home." He pulls up a dog carefully by its neck. It yaps once or twice.

"No thank you, I said."

"How unfortunate," he says with a notable sadness. "Very well then. On your way."

"...No need to tell me to go. I'm more than willing to..." I sigh and keep walking.

Less than a block away, is another tall man. But his sign says "Any animal for sale."

...Any, huh.

"...How can you prove you have any animal for sale? I could name, say, a shark, and there is no way you can get me one.

"On the contrary, miss," the silver-haired man announces. "You name it, and I can–"

"...Wait a minute, you sound just like the guy who's selling puppies a block back! You're not him, are you?"

"...We were separated at birth, one could say. We wound up both being breeders. But while I can create anything..." He opens his coat, and a crow flies out, landing on his shoulder. "...He is only good at breeding dogs. Exceptionally good dogs, but he is only capable of that one creature, much to his disappointment."

"...You are both weird men. I am not interested in buying pets. Look... can you point me to the nearest cafe, please?"

"Oh, that's unfortunate. But I will help a woman in need of it." Even as he says this, his eyes pierce into my being, making it feel an unusual chill. "Walk three blocks north. It's on the corner. You won't miss it."

"Very well, then. Pleasant day to you, sir."

"Farewell, maiden." He opens his coat, and a deer comes out of it, and bows.

...I decide to walk more quickly to my destination than normal.

* * *

"Welcome!" A cheerful voice tells me.

I look up at the orange-haired girl. Her hair is somewhat like Kohaku's, only a bit different. The girl definitely shares her cheery expressions, though.

"...What is this place?" I ask her.

"Ahnenerbe!" The girl answers with glee. "As for me, I'm Hibino Hibiki. I'll be your waitress today!" She curtseys, politely.

...Waitress... oh, well, that does make sense. This does appear to be a cafe after all.

"...Right. Get me some tea, then, if you do not mind."

"Fresh outta tea," the girl answers with a cute pout that would only be rivaled by Seo. "But we got plenty of coffee on tap!"

"...Normally I would refuse, but if anything will make this headache go away, coffee will probably do it. Very well then."

"Gotcha!" the girl answers. "I'll be back with it in a jiff. Or maybe Chikagi will bring it out. Depends on who gets to it first, hehe. "

With this, the girl named Hibino Hibiki departs.

Looking around the cafe, I see a few other people are here, though not very many. I certainly don't recognize any of them.

...Except for one.

"...Inui-san?"

Inui Arihiko. Nii-san's self-admitted "bad friend." Someone whom I could tell was interested in me... although naturally, I turned him down.

Currently, he and a male with long, black hair are hitting on a blonde girl with a strange pattern on her forehead... and... is that a horn...?

"Well, I never considered bestiality or double penetration before..." Inui announces.

...Oh god. Please tell me I did not hear that.

"Heh, well, just remember, man... it's not gay if balls don't touch!" The black-haired male in a disheveled uniform reminds him.

...I stand up, about ready to defend this girl, when all of a sudden, they both stumble, colliding front to front.

"WAHHHH! THEY TOUCHED!" The displeased lecher, Inui Arihiko.

"HEY! I'm into women, ya know!" The man with long black hair.

"Heh... good one, Fujino," a black-haired girl near my table says quietly.

"...It was nothing," the purple-haired girl she's sitting with announces with eyes closed.

...Strange. That black-haired girl... if you removed my hairband... she would look... rather scarily like me...

...Could that be the girl whom Seo kissed in her doujinshi? I suppose there are people in this world who look more like me than I thought...

"Here ya go! Fresh hot coffee for you!" The cheery voice of Hibiki returns to my ears once more.

"...Thank you, miss," I reply with a slight smile.

"Hehe, think nothing of it! " The girl says with quite a bit of glee.

She must like this job. She is in very high spirits. Which is surprising, as usually I would expect that people who work jobs such as this tend not to like them, due to long hours and having to potentially put up with angry customers... but well, I suppose some would feel comfortable, even in a situation like that.

"Be careful that you don't spill it on your crotch, now! It's quite hot, and we can't afford a lawsuit, so you were warned!" The girl hums to herself as she walks away.

I take a very cautious sip of the coffee.

...Definitely hot. Very, very hot. If she had not warned me, I would probably have scalded my mouth. My lip certainly absorbed a good amount of the heat, that is for sure...

With a sigh, I begin to think about things.

I have to get home to Misaki. This coffee is definitely a nice break from the usual, but I also have to get back home... and find out just what happened to Nii-san and Yumizuka-san... assuming I do not feel like killing the latter for blackmailing me, of course.

It takes me about twenty minutes, as I do not particularly like coffee, but I do finish it.

Another girl comes out after I finish. This one is not Hibiki. This may be the Chikagi person she referred to though.

"Was everything good?" She asks simply, yet politely.

"Yeah. Ah... do you know the way to Misaki from here? I am not sure if I am near it, as I do not recall a place like this there."

"Oh, sure! Just head out that door over there." She thumbs behind her back. "You'll get a map after that, and from there I'm pretty sure you could follow it."

"Great, thanks. How much do I owe you?"

"375 Yen," she announced calmly.

I place down a 500 yen coin, and I inform her to keep the change. This would surprise most Japanese – tipping, as a whole, is a custom mostly unheard of in Japanese society – but this girl must be familiar with the concept, as she simply pockets the coin and replies with a very respectful "Thank you very much, miss."

So... through this door is a map that will lead me to Misaki, huh?

I open the door and walk outs–

* * *

...Eh...?

Where am I now...?

The last think I remember is that I was going to open a door to check a map that would get me to Misaki City...

...Wait...

I... know this room... sort of...

...Is this not the sorts of rooms we have at Asagami...?

...Come to think of it... is is. I would recognize that sort of bed probably just about anywhere until the day that I die, now...

...But what is this thing at my feet...?

"...No... not you! Anyone but you!"

The voice of a girl brings me to my senses, and I turn around. And there...

...Is a frightened-looking Shijou Tsukasa.

"W-Why are you here?ǃ I summoned a Caster, not a Monster!" The terrified voice of her.

Wait... summoned a Caster...?

"...What is the meaning of that?" I calmly ask her... and at almost the same time, the fear on Tsukasa's face is replaced by a look of triumph.

"...Yeah, you're my Servant... so I've got three. Right! I order you to never hurt me!"

A small pattern on the back of Tsukasa's left forearm glows. It looks rather like a dagger.

Unfortunately for her... nothing much seems to happen.

"Good, good! Now you'll feel horrible if you even think about it!" She says with surprising bravado and confidence.

...Foolish girl, I can think about hurting you as much as I–

YOW, that _**DID**_ hurt! What is the meaning of this?ǃ

"Good! It works! Now, we're going to get along real fine, Akiha... or that little command spell is gonna hurt you bad every time you think of hurting me. Plus,you are now totally under my control, so trying to struggle against it is useless~~~ "

...I don't like this situation. I don't like it at all.

But somehow... I get the feeling that this is not exactly my choice to make. I will have to obey whatever Tsukasa says... or else I risk her doing something drastic and forcing me to do things I do not want or do not like to do...

"Now then! You're gonna start by cleaning up all of my mess. And then when that's done, you're gonna begin to cook and clean until tonight. Tonight, maybe I'll even let you sleep in my bed... maybe even do more than that, if you're really lucky..." A grin that can only be described as zealous triumph breaks out widely over the face of Shijyou Tsukasa.

"...What sort of woman do you think I am that would take orders from you?ǃ " I tell her.

"A Caster," she says. "A caster in the Misaki Holy Grail War."

"P... Playing around like this isn't my idea of amusement, Shijyou-san!"

"Really? That's a shame. But it's what's happening, so deal with it, Tohno-san."

"I... Impossible! This is impossible! I, I am having some crazy dream. I will wake up, and everything will be fine..." I shut my eyes, desperately wishing this strange event would end.

"Life ain't agreeing, is it, Tohno-san?" The coolheaded voice of Tsukasa. "Just give up, and make it easier on both of us, alright?"

"FORGET IT! I will not be bowing to your every whim, no matter what you say!"

"Oh? But you have no choice. These seals are power. Let me prove it. I order you to punch yourself in the face, immediately."

...On her command, my fist balls up and flies directly into my face. It is a solid, direct hit.

Laughing, she watches as I stagger and recoil from the blow. "See, Tohno-san? I own you now. And I am going to be enjoying every second of this."

"S... Stop this..." I ask of her.

"Sure!" She tells me with a grin. "But only if you can tell what day it is... maybe you'll remember if you think carefully over what was just said, hmm...?"

...What would that have anything to do with it, I wonder...?


	45. An Excess of Divine Material Energy III

Chapter 44: "An Excess of Divine Material Energy, Part III"

* * *

_**(Warning: This chapter contains sexual content. If you are offended by such content, or do not like to see straight pairings, you may wish to skip this chapter.)**_

* * *

It is far too late to hide what we were doing. Nii-san was naked. I was nearly naked, with my bra off my breasts and my panties pushed aside, and my organs drooling my arousal onto Nii-san's body.

I cannot help but look at her shocked face, frozen there as if an animal were caught in the path of an oncoming vehicle. My mind races for me to say something. Anything! If she goes and wakes Hisui... or worse, tells Kohaku...

...Then there's no telling what will happen. The conclusion, though is obvious: It will be something very, very bad for us all. Nothing is stopping Yumizuka from running out of the room and telling Kohaku what she has seen... and I know for a fact that when Kohaku has revenge on her mind...

"Ah. There you are, Yumizuka." Nii-san says perfectly calmly, as if this was a commonplace, everyday occurrence.

Eh...?

Th... That's not how you speak to someone in a situation like this...!

"Y-You started without me, Tohno-kun! How could youǃ?" Yumizuka-san says this, pouting.

...Start... without her...?

Th-This isn't something you start with three people…...!

"Well, come on over, Yumizuka. I haven't done it yet." He motions with his hand.

Come... over here...?ǃ

Yumizuka-san starts stripping her clothing. What is going on…...ǃ?

"N...Nii-san... you... invited another woman...ǃ?" I ask indignantly.

"Do you not like other women, Akiha?" He says with a slight smile... as if he knew...

...He... knew...?

How could he know…...?

The only way he could know something like that is…...

...That Thieving Cat...

...Was this some sort of planned event?

…...Was this something they had thought of all along...?ǃ

"Ah..." I feel all of the anger that had been beginning to boil quickly drain from me.

...Well... no, I cannot say I do not like other women... I mean... Souka... did what she did with me...

...And... Seo... has been in my mind lately... and, maybe even Hanei... if I knew she liked girls, I wouldn't mind her either, I suppose...

Ever since Souka did what she did with me, I've... wondered...

…...Do I like other women...?

Am I in denial...?

Is this something that I actually, secretly want, and just have not accepted the possibility that I could like – no, want – something other than what I had been expecting...?

...What if it is? Would it mean that my body knows me better than I know myself...? Th, that's why it got aroused by what Souka did, wasn't it?

…...That's why it didn't resist her, wasn't it...?

…...…That was why it let her do as she pleased, wasn't it...?

It didn't resist her. It didn't stop her. Eventually... it allowed her to do whatever she wanted to do. It just laid there, and spread its legs, and let Souka kiss, and lick, and touch, and taste...

...It may mean that... I do like women... on some level...?

Hearing a ruffle of clothing being removed, I look up at Yumizuka just in time to see her kick off her underwear.

Her body is...

…...Rather pretty...

Her breasts, about as large as Kohaku's. Her waist, again, nearly the same. Just a hint more to her hips than Kohaku.

...And I cannot help but look and notice the small patch of brown hair that covers her womanhood.

...W, Why am I looking her over like that! No, that's wrong! I... this is supposed to be with Nii-san, not her, so I should just tell her to leave us, immediately... yes... she had her chance before, so if she didn't take it then, she shouldn't get one now!

Yumizuka-san walks over, smiling. "Wow. Under those clothes, you really are pretty, Akiha-san."

...Pretty? Me? No, I'm... well, positively like a girl, not a woman... I have no such attractiveness!

I do not see why she would think of me in that way... or why Souka would think of me in that way... I, I have nothing special physically... I do not have the curves of Hanei, or the cuteness of Seo...

...In short, I simply don't compare to Yumizuka-san. She is far prettier, far more attractive... far better for everything...

…...So why is Nii-san having sex with me as opposed to her...?

I cannot help but blush in embarrassment. Even the most cursory of glances at our nude forms would let anyone see that Yumizuka Satsuki is slightly bigger than me in all measurements, but especially the breasts, so why–

"...Mmmphgh?ǃ?"

Without a hint of warning, Yumizuka-san kisses me deeply, her tongue pushing its way into my surprised mouth. Probing. Testing. Feeling around, licking the teeth, probing the ripples on the roof of the mouth...

As my mind tries to find a way to respond and breathe with Yumizuka-san's tongue in my mouth, I feel my body being pushed down quickly.

___**"MMMMMMMMPHHHHGGHHHAAAAAA!"**_

It's the only noise I can make with Yumizuka-san's tongue inside of my mouth, nearly biting it as my eyes clench hard, forcing out small tears.

The pain is short and sharp, but intense. A couple of seconds later, enough of my wits return to realize that Yumizuka-san had forcefully pushed me down so that Nii-san's penis entered my vagina, in one swift, immediate move. There is no hope for a careful entry. I can feel myself twitching, convulsing, and the throbbing pain that is pulsing inside of me, with my quickened heartbeat.

…...Then... Nii-san... took my virginity, and... Yumizuka-san was kissing me as he did it...

…...How embarrassing... to have lost my virginity at the same time I was being kissed by another girl...

Her lips remove themselves from mine, and I see her look down, to where Nii-san and I are now one. My own eyes follow after a second, looking down at the grotesque bulge that outlines itself slightly, showing his position inside of me, and noticing the rivulets of blood that were traveling down the small amount of shaft that remains visible.

"There we go! Push extra-hard, Tohno-kun. She needs to feel good so the pain goes away!" I feel her pulling off my bra as she speaks, unclasping it very expertly, and finding it easy to remove while my body is unable to put up any sort of effectual resistance.

"H-Huh...?" It's the only response that my confused body and mind can muster, through a mix of arousal and pain.

Then, without so much as a word, Nii-san begins to move.

Up.

Down.

...Up.

...Down.

…...Up.

…...Down.

"…...…...…..."

Within moments, the pain simply seems to melt away. All that's left is.. this...

My mind draws a blank as I try to think of something to say so I can tell Nii-san how it's starting to feel... but...

…...Words…...

…...Words cannot describe how this feels…...

This feeling…...

…...All I can do is close my eyes and hold on as Nii-san pushes himself in and out of me...

In... Out... In... Out...

Each push, each violation of my purity... these things somehow encourage an intensely hot fire within.

My body has never felt this hot in my life. With Souka, it was close, but this... this heat is higher still. Each movement... each push... makes the fire inside my veins surge higher and higher. Hotter. Further. The oxygen in my blood, giving it the fuel to grow.

I feel a tongue licking at my body, licking at the place at which Nii-san and I are now joined as one. My eyes open slightly to see Yumizuka Satsuki licking away like she savored this... savoring the blood that came from my torn membrane inside my body, savoring the taste of Nii-san's and my fluids mixing, as our bodies make such obscene noises... and she even looks up at me, smiling very slightly when she sees me looking down in disbelief.

...But I am beyond caring. This feeling of Nii-san, of Nii-san inside, finally...

Like a rod to stoke the fires of my body, he pushes in and out with purpose. Like it was made to do this...

Good.

It's so good...

Yumizuka-san suddies my expression for a moment before she giggles slightly. "See? Look at her face, Tohno-kun. She's not feeling that pain anymore. All she can feel is how wonderful you are..."

With a laugh that sounds like it would normally come from Kohaku, she leans back down and licks at my clitoris roughly, making me shiver furiously with a sharp gasp and making my vagina grip Nii-san tightly, which makes him gasp in kind.

It is only after two or three licks that I become aware that my clitoris has swollen itself in response to all of this.

...My own body, betraying my mind once more. Showing that it unequivocally likes this.

Even with having had its purity forever destroyed.

Even with that of the same sex straying with her tongue to places she should never touch.

Even with the indirect kisses that her tongue may have experienced with me thanks to him...

I can't help but look at Yumizuka-san. She is calmly laying on her side, intersecting us, calmly licking at the swollen, thin flesh of my clitoris. As my eyes travel away from her head down her body, I can see the changes that being with us has done to her.

Breasts with small, somewhat puffy nipples. They are sticking out sharply. They look like they ache to be squeezed... pinched... rolled... sucked.

A curved, girlish body... but with a slight hint of physical fitness to it. Especially in the stomach area and her thighs...

…...Thighs…...

Like Souka was, Yumizuka-san is... rubbing herself between her legs, rubbing her own anatomy even as she licks mine. Her own clitoris sticks out, lightly being rubbed in small, circular motions by her middle finger on her right hand. Her labia, moist with her fluids, swollen and plump on her petite frame, are ready to receive a male. Her vagina, clearly communicating its desire, occasionally convulses, and when it does, fresh fluids leak out, drooling slowly down her labia and, eventually, down her thigh.

…...Why would her body react in that way? Would most people not be angry to witness two people having sex...? It is, after all, something one does not do with friends... that is why there is the difference between a friendship and a romance, so...

Is... watching me have sex with Nii-san... pleasing to her in that way...? Does she enjoy watching something like this, even though I am a rival for his affections...? That would make no sense, though...

...More importantly...

...Why is my own body responding to looking at her in that way...?

I don't want to have sex with her... do I...?

But if not, why am I looking particularly at those sexual characteristics of a woman...? Of the breasts, and the thighs, and the pubic hair, and the genitalia...? Why is my mind encouraging me to do something to them... to a girl I vowed to take in and protect, and not violate...?

Why am I allowing her to stay in here with us? Why am I allowing her to watch us engage in sex?

I don't understand. Yumizuka-san should not be in here for this. I know she loves Nii-san... and I know I want to help her, but... th, this goes beyond help... this is some kind of... deviant sexuality...

...Am I a deviant, then...? A woman who thinks she holds the moral high ground... only for her body to betray her ideals and give in so easily the stimulation being put onto it...?

Whatever I am... I don't care. I don't care. That's the only answer that would answer all of these questions, immediately. I don't care.

All I care about right now, is the feeling that is surging in my body, with every meeting of my and Nii-san's hips. Every slight squishing noise that my vagina makes. Every occasional throb that his penis has…...

…...That is all I care for, right now.

I cling to him with my arms, panting heavily, feeling waves of pleasure roll throughout my body as waves of heat and sweat pour off of it. Every time he moves out, I find myself wanting it more... and every time he moves back in, I clench hard, trying to keep him in... trying to prevent him from getting away...

There... I feel good right there... there... there...

"A-Akiha..." His voice comes out as if it were a subconscious response to me asking him to call my name.

"Nii... san..." The half-whispered, half-choked out reply is the best my body can offer him.

I can smell our combined fluids. Mine, and Nii-san's, and Yumizuka-san's... all merging together. All heightening our senses. All reinforcing the social bond between us, through odor and fluid and complex chemical reactions that occur in our brains. Encouraging further bonding between the group. A feeling of safety, shelter, and acceptance among the members.

This odor... the scent of sex... it hangs in the air so thickly that I do not know if it will ever leave my room. For some reason... this smell makes me even more lustful. It should be offensive, but right now, it's perfect... somehow...

Every inhale I take of it makes me feel even hotter. Every forceful exhale I give, I feel blowing across my chest, and my nipples, which stick out but not quite as Yumizuka-san's did. No. They're smaller, but...

...My body... enjoys all of the feelings and sensations it's experiencing.

Regardless of how right or how wrong they are to experience, it just knows that it wants it. It doesn't care how it gets it. It doesn't care that it's from a boy, or from a girl. It just wants someone... anyone... to do it. And once it begins... it won't stop wanting it until it's had more than enough.

"Aww. All gone." The slightly pouting voice of Yumizuka Satsuki. "But, there's still other delicious places I can lick, right Akiha-san?" With this, she smiles, and moves on the bed, disappearing from my sight.

Other... place...? There is no other place…...

Even I am not sheltered enough that I am ignorant of the female anatomy fully. The major components, for all intents and purposes, are a clitorial hood, a urethra, the labia majora and minora, and, of course, the clitoris.

Therefore, there can be no other place she could potentially lick...

"Wh... What are... you... talking... abaaaaaaaaaaghh...ǃ?"

My eyes snap open as wide as they can get at the sensation I just felt. It is so intense it temporarily even overrides the warm feeling inside of my vagina.

That sensation... is of Yumizuka Satsuki licking a hole all women and all men have down there.

The anus.

"Y-Yumizuka!" I choke it out in a cry, unable to think of any other words to finish the thought.

"Fufufu, did I find a very sensitive spot on you, Akiha-san?" I can tell by the way she said it that she must be grinning, showing her fangs and all.

"N-No! That isn't... it's... it's dirty there!" I feel myself instinctively moving up towards Nii-san's chest so as to deny her access to that hole.

"Ohohoho, so it is. Don't worry about any of that, though... after all... what could I catch?" She replies to this by grabbing my buttocks and, while squeezing them, spreading them apart somewhat with her hands as she takes another, sharper lick of my most private of private places.

Air enters my lungs sharply from the sensation, and pushes itself out just as forcefully, refusing to stay trapped in my lungs for any length of time. I feel my body tightening up as she licks it, and the hole itself clamps down, as if I were stopping myself from eliminating.

Her tongue teases the edges. Slowly. Carefully. Trying to press inside now and again, even as she tastes whatever surely-bad taste she would get from the last time I voided my bowels.

She shouldn't. It's dirty. She could get sick...

...And yet... the furnace in me stokes up even higher as she does so... it's making me so hot, I can feel my clitoris shudder and twitch with my heartbeat, speeding up even faster due to her licking there...

…...Why? Why do these disgusting things... why are they giving me such intense pleasure?

Why do I crave them? Why does my body react this way to the simple act of having sex?

It's for procreation... isn't it...? So why does it feel…... so good…...?

Otou-sama never said anything about this... if anything, he mentioned losing my virginity would hurt, but all of this... he never mentioned any of this...

He never mentioned how girls could be sexual together.

He never mentioned that there was more to do than simple penetration.

...He never mentioned that there was a way to stimulate yourself, even without a partner.

He never told me... any of this at all...

All of this new information, these new sensations, desires, wants... needs... they are being communicated to my brain by the stimulation of the parts in question.

For the body of Tohno Akiha is reacting to not only the touch and tongue of a female... but it reacted to the touch and tongue of a man as well... and now, it is reacting to the "traditional" act of bonding between a man and a woman.

The thick fluid that is coating his penis is more than enough proof of that.

Nii-san grunts hard as I involuntarily squeeze his length inside of me. "A-Akiha... if you keep doing that..."

...Then he will ejaculate inside of me.

His face grimaces, even though his own face looks like it is feeling intense pleasure of its own. He is trying to prevent himself from releasing inside of me.

...But that's the whole point... isn't it...? Release inside...

I don't care. I... I want him to... I want to feel his love inside of my body...

So... I can't comply with his request... Sorry, Nii-san…...

I hold onto him tightly, wrapping my arms around his neck and back, and begin pushing my body against his. Our chests meet, cushioned by the small amount of fat and muscle in both of them. His own skin feels hot, sticky to the touch. His heart races just as mine does, and I feel it thumping against my right breast.

And in the meanwhile, my body completely disregards the very thing he asked me to do...

Pushing down when he pushes up...

Pulling up when he pulls down...

Our hips, our skin, our genitals making contact over and over and over again... flesh smacking, other flesh squishing...

…...None of it, showing any signs of stopping...

I don't really know why... it's what my mind is telling me to do, and I feel even hotter when I do it...

My body... it's so hot... I'm sweating all over...

The scent of my sweat, and Nii-san's, and Yumizuka-san's... mixing with the scent of my fluids, and Nii-san's, and Yumizuka-san's...

...I don't know how much more of this I can stand... I feel like I'm going to die again...

I hear Yumizuka-san giggle. "Aww, don't her small boobs look so cute bouncing up and down slightly as she fucks you, Tohno-kun?" I feel one of her hands grab my right breast and squeeze, as her thumb rubs across the nipple and her tongue licks my neck.

A moan of desire escapes my throat. I... I want you to keep doing that, Yumizuka-san... please... that feels so nice...

I cannot feel anything anymore but Nii-san's body sticking to me, and him inside of me, and the twin beats of our racing hearts, and Yumizuka rubbing at my backside and squeezing my breast...

I look down at him, feeling drool and some of his love flowing from my lips, from his earlier orgasm into my mouth. I don't care.

He looks back up at me, up at my body moving up and down on him, panting and gasping with effort and strain, with glassy, nearly closed eyes. Our eyes meet.

As if our bodies were waiting for that, his eyes widen slightly. At nearly the same time, I feel the heat inside of me about to boil over...

"Akiha... nnngh... I... I can't..." ...I know he can't. I can't either...

"Inside, Nii-san... cum... inside, Nii-san...!"

Such words... out of my mouth... before I even realize it... I can't... so unladylike...

...But... they make me hotter still... this heat... it's unbearably hot, even for my taste...

Using the very last remnants of my failing strength, I push my body up and down as fast as I can on him. I don't know why... something just tells me to...

Please... please hurry, Nii-san... I want this... no, I need this... I'm so close...

"Oooooh, you two are gonna cum together, huh? How adorable! Like true lovers!" Yumizuka-san's approval as her tongue tastes my backside once more. The soft, gentle sucking noises I hear mean she's pushing her fingers into herself... If... if only I could see that... I'd...

...H... How did I know that's what it was...?

I can feel the heat in my stomach building to a blazing inferno, and I can feel it beginning to move towards my legs... hurry, Nii-san... please hurry... or I'll be too quick... I don't think I can do this a third time tonight...

His breathing picks up to a fevered pitch. His eyes shut tightly behind his glasses, and I feel his hands press hard against my thighs. He has hit his breaking point. Somehow, I know this...

I feel my hands and fingernails digging into his body, into his skin so hard I'm sure they draw blood. "NII-SAN, NII-SAN!" It's all my mind will let me say, all it can think about right now...

I allow my body to drop one last time, and squeeze as hard with my body as my exhausted strength will allow...

And with a powerful throb, I can feel his warmth, his life, his love... I can feel all of it shoot into me... into my womb... again, and again, and again... like it was made for that purpose and that purpose alone...

His heat... it makes the inferno inside of me uncontrollable any longer...

With a final, guttural cry that I'm sure will wake Hisui but I no longer care if it does, my body releases its own fluids over Nii-san. As his love shoots hard inside me, my own love coats and wraps him, sealing our contract of love forever.

Him, flowing into me... me, flowing into him...

Yin, and Yang, mixing in that eternal embrace... a part of one in the other, bringing completeness...

Our bodies shake tremendously with the strain. I don't think either of us are breathing... I think we're both dying...

"Wooooooow, intense! Her pussy's overflowing with your cum, Tohno-kun! It's flowing out!" She... sounds far away...

My exhausted body falls forward... still connected... I can't move... too tired... don't care...

Body not responding... mind... slowing... flying…...

Yumizuka... sorry for making a mess to clean...

Everything...

Light…...

It's... so bright…...…

* * *

…

* * *

Arc 3: "Yin-Yang Dualism" **END.**  
Arc 4: "Purity of a Pollinated Mind" **START.**

* * *

Next Week (4/10/11) – Chapter 45: "Cerulean Life, Azure Dreams"


	46. Cerulean Life, Azure Dreams

Chapter 45: "Cerulean Life, Azure Dreams"  
Monday, November 4, 2002

* * *

…...…...?

My eyes slowly open. They take some moments to focus, as I once more look up at the tester from my bed, aware that my body seems very spread out and taking up a great deal of room.

I feel so exhausted... so completely and totally drained, that my body is more than willing to accept going back to sleep if I would but close my eyes once more. It is trying to encourage me to do so, with heavy eyes and muscles that feel entirely void of energy.

I... am on my bed, in my room. Nothing is unusual about that... that is how I start every morning.

...Until I remember what happened last night.

"…...Nii-san?ǃ"

With sudden violence, I sit up and look around. There is no sign of Nii-san or of Yumizuka-san.

In fact, there is no sign of anyone.

My bed appears that it has been disturbed, though... the sheets and blankets are certainly more out of order than they would be by mere sleeping... it clearly looks like there was not one, but several people, on my bed.

I pull my covers off of me. Somehow, I have been re-dressed in my bra, underwear, and nightgown.

...Or... had I never undressed at all?

…...My underwear sticks to my body and the scent of my own arousal leaks through. Lifting the hem of my nightgown... the underwear is very obviously soiled, causing me to blush furiously in embarrassment. Furthermore... the smell is definitely not the foul odor of urine... and I can tell by both sight and smell that it lacks the iron tang of red blood.

Then, the only thing it could be... are fluids of arousal...

...What happened? Did…... Did I have a sexual dream and... release in my sleep...? Th, Those are possible, but... that could not have been a dream... could it...?

...Well, that is a silly question. I remember what happened. Far too clearly for it to be anything but the truth...

And yet... dreams can be very realistic as well...

Was... that real? Did... did that really happen? Or was it only a dream...?

...I cannot tell. It looked real. It felt real... It felt so very real, and so very good, and I did not want any of it to stop for a moment, but...

I am not sure if that was just a very perverted dream, or if I actually did...

...I could ask…... no. No, no, no, no. Confirming it could be bad enough, but... if it were a dream... I do not think Nii-san, Yumizuka-san, or especially myself would ever live it down. I would be embarrassed from admitting it was a sexual dream, and Nii-san would be embarrassed because I had a sexual dream of him, and Yumizuka-san probably does not even think of me in those terms. No, I am a friend for rescuing her, and her nominal master, but to think she would have a sexual interest in me is so absurd as to be almost unbelievable...

...I could check for my hymen!

…...Ah, but... that can be torn in other ways... and some women are simply born without one...

And, of course, never having had a reason to go up in there before except for basic cleaning, I, well... I don't know if I was born with one, and... I avoid tampons... I have always used menstrual pads. So there is really little reason for me to have checked...

Perhaps... perhaps this is a question best left unanswered.

As much as it will gnaw at me, knowing the truth could be worse. If... if that was real, I would never be able to look Nii-san or Yumizuka-san in the eye again. And, if it were a dream... I would be so embarrassed that I would just want to curl up into a small ball and die...

...Yes. That is the only answer that could possibly get me out of a situation like this with my dignity, as well as Nii-san's and Yumizuka-san's, intact.

With a sigh of resignation to leaving that question unanswered, I lay back in bed. The sun shines through the window, greeting me on this blessed morning, as if to say that whatever happened last night, whether real or not, today is just another day, as Nii-san would say. I stretch my limbs and–

…...The sun is upǃ?

My head whips towards the alarm clock.

_**…...NINE EIGHTEENǃ?**_ WHY DID THIS CLOCK NOT GO OFFǃ? I'M LATE!ǃ!ǃ!ǃ

Surely it was a new world record for throwing thick covers off of oneself and running to the bathroom as fast as possible.

* * *

As my driver does highly illegal speeds and reckless maneuvers down back roads, I begin to wonder... why did Hisui not awaken me?ǃ I will have to raise a very sharp complaint about this when I get home! She knows very well to wake me up if I am not out of my room by six-thirty! Unless she was so violently ill that she could not get out of bed, or has died in her sleep, such a dereliction of duty is absolutely inexcusable!

Great... now the _**EARLIEST**_ I might see Souka is lunchtime. Maybe. If her schedule falls into place. Usually it does not, so our goodbyes are limited to perhaps fifteen minutes at the end of the day. I had hoped to speak to her before classes even started for the day, and now my frustration and nervousness is at an all-time high. I have to practice breathing calmly when a quick look in the small mirror of a compact reveals the tips of my hair beginning to turn red.

...Well, if that is the case today, then my driver can wait. We need a good talk. Fifteen minutes is not enough time to talk to Souka. Not today...

Eventually, my limousine pulls up outside of the entrance to the school. I fling the door open with my hand after pulling on the door handle, and race outside. I nearly immediately stumble, but manage to roll slightly before my face plants into the ground, and I hardly even break forward progress. It means my uniform, or at least my knees, are surely dirty... but oh well. Dirt is dirt. Attendance is attendance!

On. On. On. I know I am late. The later I am, the worse it is...

Up the steps. Faster. Harder. I hear my heart thumping in my head, feel it beating in my chest. Hear the noise of air rushing past my opened lips, feel it refusing to stay in my chest. Hear the noise of my feet hitting the ground rapidly, feel the ache of my leg muscles, begging me to stop running.

But I cannot. And I will not. I have a mission to get to the classroom as fast as possible, so as to minimize the amount of lost face that I will incur.

Upon reaching the door to my classroom, I knock twice, announce "Excuse me for being late," and enter.

Needless to say, everyone in the class looks at the tardy student with surprise and shock, even as she stands firm.

"...Good morning, Tohno-san. Be seated," the professor announces with an icy chill in her tone.

* * *

I am given a stern talking-to by my professor for arriving so late. The whole of the book is thrown at me, as the expression goes.

I accept and take the full blame for this. I could have avoided the reprimand by simply not attending, but I already missed part of Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. A fourth day would be inexcusable.

A few of the girls look at me, seemingly amused that the campus valedictorian, she who always tops the rankings without fail... not only missed three whole days of class, but was even late on her return. I do my best to ignore them, while silently remembering who to put down on my list for later... interrogation.

Yes, I was late, and I will have to accept that. But there was a very good reason for wanting to show up to class today.

...I really want to talk to Souka. Badly. Very, very badly.

I have so many unanswered questions... so many concerns, thoughts, feelings... that I am not going to be able to be at complete peace until I can talk with her...

As it is Monday, she is sure to be here, or at the very least, in our dorm. Tsukihime Souka's presence, despite her laid-back attitude, is quite consistent, although on occasion she does take off from a class, claiming that it is healthy for the mind to not be so rigid with structured dates or times so constantly.

With the weekend gone, our week begins anew. Today is a Monday; certainly not the first Monday I have experienced, and hopefully it is not the last yet.

…...Because this will be more than a mere new week for me. It will be... a new me, period.

It is strange. Last week on Monday, I was very fidgety in class, as I am today. I was anticipating confronting Seo Akira about her doujinshi... only to later find that she was not in at all...

Now, I am fidgety for entirely different reasons. I desperately want to talk to Souka. About Friday. About these new thoughts in my head. About the strange thoughts and feelings I have had. About... everything.

If her goal was to get me curious about these things, well... the victory is hers. I am now. I just have to hope she is here... but unlike Seo, Souka almost never misses a class without good reason, or illness, unless she simply does not feel like showing up on occasion.

At least I know the answer to one of those questions without having to resort to asking her...

How can two women love each other...?

It's so stupidly simple.

When one separates love from reproduction, it is very obvious two women can love each other... physically, emotionally, and even sexually. The only thing – the _**ONLY**_ thing – they cannot do is produce a child between them. Otherwise, love between two women... or two men... can be just as strong as one between opposite genders, and can fulfill the needs of both partners in the relationship.

Because, aside from differences in the genitals, the breasts, some internal organs and to an extent bones, all humans have the same fundamental things. Eyes. Ears. Nose. Lips. Mouth.

And... all of those things, in some way... can be used to bring one bodily pleasure.

Eyes, visually, showing things that one knows the other desires to see.

Ears, by sound and encouragement, indicating that they are comfortable with what is happening.

Nose, by pleasant odors... and making even those "bad" ones somehow instinctively pleasant.

Lips, by kissing, as well as the odor of the face, for we smell partially with our sense of taste.

Mouth…... by saying those things that the other person wants to hear...

A penis is not needed for a woman to be sexually satisfied... there's still places a woman can touch, and lick, and taste... and... a finger or two could substitute for...

I feel the blood seemingly flood my head so fast my vision becomes slightly red. I actually audibly gasp slightly, and I quickly try to shake these thoughts out of my head. Not here... if, if I got aroused here, I would absolutely die of embarrassment…...

"Tohno-san, are you okay?" The voice of my teacher for this period, Minowa-sensei, brings me back to a sense of reality.

"H-huh?" I snap out of it when I realize Minowa-sensei has called upon me. I look up at her.

"...You have a nosebleed... do you not notice?" She sounds worried.

"...I do?" I wipe my philtrum carefully with the back of my right index finger. Sure enough, a slightly sticky red liquid clings to my finger, leaving a noticeable red streak as it is spread and smeared by the action.

"...It seems you are not well, Tohno-san. Perhaps you are overdoing it with trying to make it here." She frowns slightly, not out of anger, but out of concern. "I'm sorry, but please make your way to the nurse."

"...Yes," I say with a resigned sigh. "Please forgive me, everyone." I blush slightly in embarrassment as I wipe my nose, clean my desk, gather my things, and head to the nurse's office.

I can feel the eyes staring at me as I leave. So far, today seems to be a victory for the enemies of Tohno Akiha.

* * *

After a small battery of tests, the nurse finally clicks her tongue softly and shakes her head.

"I'm not sure what happened to you, Tohno-san," she announces, "But whatever it was, it seems to be transient. There's definitely nothing seriously wrong with you."

"That's a relief..." I announce with a sigh, my tension lifting from my shoulders.

"However, just as a precautionary measure, I would like you to lay down until lunchtime. If no further problems occur, I will release you then," she tells me.

"...Very well, Sensei," I reply, not having much choice in the matter.

I have only been to the nurse's office once or twice. Surprisingly, despite being afflicted with aches and pains for the last several years, I have hardly been in here. It is a strange room, smelling of chemicals, and yet the room has an a fairly warm feeling from it. It may be unusual to someone who is used to being cared for medically in her own home, perhaps, but it seems that most students, nor most people, would find the setting of this room very strange at all.

I am led to a bed in a darker corner of the office. I take off my shoes, and lay down on it. The nurse smiles, and after wishing me to relax, she shuts the curtain. The area becomes mostly dark, with only a thin amount of light piercing the very bottom of the curtains, for they do not fully touch the floor.

...Well, I suppose that the quiet will allow me to at least regain my thoughts.

The nurse informed me that I am fine. Well, I know I am fine... That was not the issue. The... the nosebleed was because I got to thinking about... those things again.

The events of what Souka did to my body on Friday.

Of all the days in the world she could have chosen to do that... she did it on a day that I was absolutely not looking forward to experiencing.

A day that I never wanted to come... and now, a day I can never forget.

Two years in a row...

Then... there was whatever happened last night. Whether it was real or a dream, I do not know, but... it was incredible.

If it was real... then, it was absolutely an experience that none of us will ever forget.

If it was a dream... then, the human mind's capacity for imagination, for creating an ideal world, an ideal setting for itself... it is beyond reproach. How could I criticize something like that now... when it turns out that, when it came down to it...

...That I enjoyed it immensely... and wanted more of it despite myself...? That I wanted it to never, ever stop, and was drunk on the sensations my body was producing, even as I was doing the most disgusting things, like pushing my hips up and down and hearing the squishing noises of my vagina in response, or of feeling Yumizuka-san licking... a very dirty place indeed...?

I certainly have some insight on why people do that now, I suppose.

Because of the simple fact that... it feels... good.

I wish I had a better way to describe the sensations, the thoughts... but I do not. There is no single word, or even group of words, that will completely sum up the desires, the wants... the needs that I had.

Words _**STILL**_ fail me to adequately describe how that felt, and I do not have those intense sensations of pleasure, of fullness, of love and desire and passion pushing my other thoughts away, unlike then. Therefore, in the peace and quiet of this room, all my mind can do is focus, and focus, and focus...

If... if it feels like that, every time... then... I may become a slave to the desire of it. Feelings and sensations like that... make one drunk, and seek even more... Even now, I can feel my body heating up just thinking about it... of such... carnal pleasure.

It is strange.

All last week I was wondering just why, and how, two women could love each other like that, and why people were slaves to such a simple, messy, disgusting biological act. I knew why it was necessary, of course – humans reproduce sexually, and thus to continue the species, two humans must have sexual intercourse, but I did not see why some people would seek it out so... enthusiastically. After all, when one looks at it from a purely external point of view, it is just a man inserting a penis into a woman's vagina, and movement of hips until the man ejaculates inside of her vagina.

...And that was the problem.

Sex is not something one is to view externally. There are elements of it that one can watch, that one can see, that one can even enjoy, even without participating in the act itself. Yumizuka-san was proof of that, as was the dream that Nii-san had, where I watched Kohaku and masturbated with incredible passion to the sight.

But... the real truth of it, the reason why people seek it out, over and over and over again...

…...Is because of the feelings and sensations that are tearing through their body, paralyzing their thought and reason, and rendering them helpless to do anything but continue to enjoy the carnal pleasures... for an ejaculation into the woman is what is necessary for sex to be successful from a biological point of view.

Or, to put it more succinctly... if it did not feel good, we would probably fail to reproduce.

Friday provided me that answer to the first half. Because in Souka's hands, I felt helpless, but... I did not want to be helped. I did not even care that my genitalia were exposed to her, or that she was licking and touching and smelling it. After awhile, I simply stopped caring about how she was a female, or that she was doing those things to my most private places, or even that someone might see or hear us, and catch us in the act... I just wanted more of it. More, and more, and more... until I could not stand it anymore, and... that is when I had... that.

What biology classes told me was called an "orgasm."

Then, last night, dream or not, gave me the other half. Because as intense as Souka felt... Nii-san was just so much better... I found myself doing things that I couldn't even believe, or even know why I was doing them, like pushing myself up and down... something told me to do it, and the instant I did I felt even more pleasure from the act, of feeling him moving in and out, like my vagina was made for him and him alone...

Instincts, surely... instincts that wanted me to keep going, to never stop... the more I did that, the faster I did that, the better and better it felt... the more I did it, the less I wanted his penis to exit my vagina...

...And... there was also Yumizuka-san... saying those words... feeling my body...

I... I never thought she'd be that type, but... somehow, that made the pleasure even more intense... knowing she was watching... knowing she was touching... and knowing that it was not just me, but... herself as well... knowing that her own body was pleased, knowing that I could smell a scent that was neither mine, nor Nii-san's, mingling with ours...

And then... me saying that word...

"Cum."

Filthy, guttural slang. And not only did I tell him cum, but... cum inside...

Without even a thought towards the consequences of what could happen, without any sort of thinking on protecting myself... I just wanted to feel that. I wanted to feel something, but I did not know what...

...But as soon as I felt liquid warmth shooting into my body, from the throbbing intruder inside of my vagina... I somehow knew that was it... and so my body quit on me, and I had an orgasm so violent that I felt my soul being wrenched away from the anchors of my body once more...

Telling him to do that inside of me like I did... that is never something I would normally do... so...

...Did... my body want to bear Nii-san's child...?

The female body is a very efficient machine for making children. Despite the man trying his best to delay his release, everything it does to the male serves to bring him to a hard and fast orgasm, so that as much semen as possible fills her womb, increasing the chances of impregnation, and–

…...D-Did my stomach just twitch? Am I…...?ǃ?

N-No... don't be silly, Akiha, you're letting your imagination run wild. You can't be pregnant yet. It's impossible. Completely, totally impossible. Your period isn't for another two weeks or so. You should be safe. Besides, a baby would not form overnight! Y-Yes... you're fine... perfectly, completely fine. The nurse said so herself, and such knowledge is her job, so of course you're fine...

Ah... I, I'm getting myself worked up. My hair is a little red. Not good... can't reveal that here... that's twice today... damn it...

Close your eyes. Breathe. Inhale deeply, through the nostrils, breathing from the diaphragm in your stomach, and not your chest. Exhale slowly, but forcefully, through the mouth, allowing your lungs to empty at a steady pace.

In... Out... In... Out...

…...Stop thinking about Nii-san and the sex, Akiha! Argh! You pervert...

...It's hopeless. My mind is preoccupied with that now for some reason. Th, This isn't good.

I sigh, clench my fists firmly and shut my eyes tight, and make the thoughts exit my head, with great difficulty, by sheer force of will. I focus on my breathing, no more and no less.

It takes some five or ten minutes, but eventually I calm down, and my breathing through my nose is a fairly good indicator that I will not be risking a second nosebleed.

...Just in time for the bell to ring for lunch.

The nurse opens the curtain a few moments later, and looks over me with a smile. "How are you feeling, Tohno-san?"

"...I am feeling fine, thank you. The rest helped me greatly, I think," I reply.

"Good, good. Looks like everything is okay,too... Please take care of yourself a little more. I understand you wanted to return to class after missing much of last week, but please do not push yourself so hard. Your body is more important than some classwork, remember that." She says with a smile. "You can always make up an assignment, but you only have one life to live, you know?"

...Heh, well, if you knew that for eight years I only lived half a life, you probably would freak out, wouldn't you...?

I stand up. "Thank you for letting me recover in here. Pleasant day to you," I say to the nurse with a smile.

I collect my things, and head for our dorm, to collect my lunch.

* * *

These thoughts... why am I thinking about them so much?  
Surely, this sort of constant dwelling upon them is not healthy...  
Hopefully, I will find Souka in the cafeteria...

* * *

Next Week (4/17/11) – Chapter 46: "Inner Shade"


	47. Inner Shade

Chapter 46: "Inner Shade"

* * *

I walk to the dorm, and unlock it with my keys. I enter quietly.

"Mornin', Tohno."

...And find a smiling Tsukihime Souka waiting at the table like she'd planned this all along.

"Yo," she says, with a bit of a grin on her face, eating some salad that is in front of her.

My heart, along with my footsteps, stop dead.

She laughs a bit. "C'mon, Tohno. Shut and lock the door. How are we gonna talk if you're standin' there like a statue?"

Her words bring me back to my senses. "R-Right," I say as I set my bag down and shut and lock the door. I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks already.

"Had a feeling you'd be showing up here. I knew you would when you didn't show up this morning." She grins. "So I figured I'd sit and have my lunch in here. Good to know you're as predictable as ever, Tohno."

"Y-Yeah..." It is all my mind can manage as I pull my lunch out of the fridge. My "backup" in case I do not have time to have a lunch prepared, for days such as today. I sit down.

Souka looks at me and grins. "You feelin' okay? You're as red as your dress back home, Tohno."

"I-I'm not!" I stammer out.

Souka simply laughs. "Don't worry. It's okay. I'd be too, if I were you on Friday..."

I feel the heat rise even more to my cheeks at her words.

...Friday.

The day where everything changed forever.

Where a good friend had become... more than that.

When my way of thinking was forced to be change... through manipulation that felt so good, it's almost selfish to enjoy it.

When, in a way, the old me died... because the old me would never question herself, or her motives. And the new me was born... the one who seemingly is constantly doing those very things.

"Y... I cannot believe you did that, Souka... but... at the same time... I should have seen something like that coming. Only you would have the guts to do that..."

"Ain't it the truth." She laughs slightly and sticks her fork in some salad, putting it in her mouth. "I've been thinking about doing that for awhile, ya know. Just had to find the right place and time... and that seemed like it. So I went for broke."

...And it worked. The resistance I had quickly melted when she got to the right places... said the right things... did the right actions.

In its place... feelings of wanton lust and desire, despite myself. Despite not wanting it at first, before long, all my body could do was crave more and more of it... until it all but openly communicated its desires, with strange, animal sounds from my throat... and fluids from a place that most people should not see.

"...And I hated it at first, and wanted to get away from you, but I–"

"–But after awhile, you weren't caring, were you?" Souka finishes my sentence.

...No. I did not care.

…...No, more than that... I _**could**_ not care. By that time, even if Nii-san, or Hisui, or even Inui Arihiko had walked in and witnessed that scene... I would have been more frustrated with the stimulation stopping, rather than my own modesty or embarrassment at my genitalia being so open for display.

Furthermore... I know deep down that in that state... if they would have wanted to do something... I would not have resisted in the slightest. If... If anything, I would have probably pulled my labia apart, and watched as they crawled between my legs, to insert fingers or a penis…...

I feel my cheeks flushing deeply with blood at these thoughts... E, Even now, they are causing my body to heat up, and that increasingly-familiar heat is simmering in my stomach.

"...No, I... I wanted... it..." I blush hard at my words.

Souka grins slightly. No, more than slightly... she grins like death itself. "It's okay to admit that you liked it, you know. You certainly looked like you were. I took a look at your face as I licked you and it was so hot that I felt my clit throb and just couldn't take it anymore."

S... She did what...?ǃ

The blood, which had been flowing from my cheeks, quickly returns to them. "I... That look... pleased you...?"

"Pleased me?" Souka looks at me as if I'd grossly understated something. "It was fucking hot, Tohno. You have no idea how hot you look when you're aroused, you know that?"

"I-Idiot, if I knew I wouldn't be asking you, would I?ǃ " I feel my hands slap down at the edge of the table as I stand up out of my seat.

Souka laughs. "Eh, you got a point. I keep forgettin' you're new to this stuff. But... was it as good for me as it was for you, hmmmmm?" She gives me a look that pierces straight through my soul.

"Ah... w-well..." I try to find the words. The words that I have yet to find that describe how it felt.

...Good.

That is the one that kept going through my head when it was happening. Over and over. Good. Good. Good. That licking is good. That touching is good. That kissing is good. That sucking is good. Those fingers inside me are good. My whole body feels good...

...And hot.

Heat surged through me with everything she did. All those touches, all those kisses, everything caused me to shiver, shake, and eventually sweat.

"Just be honest, Tohno. Don't think about the right words... just say how it felt." She smiles and lifts another forkful of salad to her mouth.

"Well... okay then..." I sigh, and open my can of Iced Tea and take a swig before I begin, as besides settling my throat, it also gives me a few more seconds to compose myself. "Well, at first, as I said, it was bizarre, but before long, my body began to feel hot... and good... each thing you did made it feel more hot and good... and after awhile, my brain couldn't even think clearly... or at all when you... curled your tongue..."

...That thing.

That one, specific act, killed even my thoughts.

I could think of nothing but the feeling of bumpy, moist tongue, completely encircling and lightly sucking on the highly sensitive lump of flesh that was trapped within.

...If one looks at it from a sort of a different perspective... my clitoris was the penis, and Souka's curled tongue was the vagina.

…...It's little wonder that I lost all thought and could not help but orgasm almost immediately.

Souka grins, practically beaming with pride. "Yeah. Best way to finish a girl off. My secret weapon. Curl your tongue around her clit and pretend her clit's a cock, and your tongue's the pussy, and fuck it. It worked, didn't it? You came so hard it got all over my top."

I blush furiously at her words. If any more blood enters my head, I think it will pop off of my shoulders and leave a terrific mess.

Such... unladylike words. They are not words I should be surprised that I am hearing from the mouth of Tsukihime Souka, to be completely honest...

...And yet, I am.

They are words she, nor I, should ever be saying. I... I did not say those words...

...But I did say "Cum." To Nii-san. And not just that, but to do it inside of me. Even... even though I do not want to be pregnant yet, my mind was gone, and all I knew is that I wanted to feel him ejaculate into me, to make me his, to know he was trying to impregnate me...

…...And when he did, a violent finish ripped viciously through my body. My vagina, squeezing... no, almost milking him. Coaxing his release further. Encouraging as much of his semen out of his body and into my womb as it possibly could... to maximize my chances of pregnancy.

But... I should be okay... I bled two weeks ago, so I am fine for now.

"I... I'm sorry... Ah, I didn't intend to do that, so if I soiled your clothing, please forgive me... I, I'll pay for the dry-cleaning debts...!"

"_**FORGIVE**_ you?ǃ Tohno, it was so fucking hot watching you come that I came right after you did." Souka looks... shocked...? "Why would I want to clean that? Heh... at least not until the smell leaves it..."

...I blush hard at the thought of Souka having an orgasm as I was having mine.

My mind easily recalls the images. Souka, with her top undone, unzipped. Nipples, sticking out.

A hand between her legs, rubbing passionately.

Sweet, quiet gasps and grunts coming from her throat.

Then... my release hitting her on accident... a faster, frenzied rubbing, until she stops, and her thighs clamp on her hand, her breath held in her lungs, a look of agony and yet desire on her face, as fluids begin to drip off her fingers, down to her underwear...

I... wish I could have seen it for real...

...But why do I wish to see that...?

More importantly... why... did she like the fact that I released on her...?

"Was... was it good, Souka?" It is the only question my mind can almost stupidly ask.

"Considerin' you're my friend and I had a feeling it was your first time? You were fine. More than fine, in fact, because it made me glad to know I was making you feel good." She smiles. "The look on your face... it was worth it just to see that, Tohno."

"I-I see," I say. "You were gone before I woke up, so..."

"Oh, yeah," she says. "I knew you'd pass out, if that really was your first... plus you came damn hard even if it wasn't. Well... you passed out... I cleaned you up, made you presentable, and I got that maid. Uh, Kohaku, I think her name was. She said to leave it to her. Nice woman."

"Yes, she is," I say somewhat flatly. Souka has no idea that Kohaku drugged me, it seems.

...But.

If she hadn't, then in a weird way it might have shattered the relationship Souka and I have. I would have gotten away and probably ordered her to leave my home, and instead of eating lunch together, we probably would not want to talk to each other, so...

...Maybe it's Kohaku's subtle way of saying to keep an open mind, too. Even if her methods are unusual and contradictory to most people, her thinking is in the right place, more or less. Maybe... it's her way of apologizing for taking Nii-san. Her logic works this way, sometimes...

"So... did you like it, Tohno?" She looks at me as she takes a sip of her drink. Orange Juice, from the looks of it.

"W-Well..." I feel the color surge forth to my cheeks.

"Yesssssss?" She eyes me like a bird of prey.

…...To say I did not like it would be a very vicious lie, but...

...Is it wrong to have liked that? No... didn't I ask myself this question before and answer it myself?

Just... stop it, Akiha. Be honest... is that not what Otou-sama told you...?

"...I... cannot say I did not like it..." I say it as meekly and humbly as is possible when one admits she enjoyed such an activity, regardless of how wrong it was morally. It is like watching a bloodsport... satisfying the animal portions of the human mind, even if the brain does not want to acknowledge that part.

To which, Souka grins. "Had a feelin' you would or I wouldn't have pulled it. It definitely looked like you were, or I probably wouldn't have even dared. You need to find a way to relieve stress more, Tohno. That's as good a way as any."

"...But it requires someone. I, ah, cannot exactly ask Hisui to do that, and Kohaku... well... she had some bad experiences and I will leave it at that. So..."

"...So you want me to give you head every so often, is that it?"

"_**S-SOUKA‼!**_ Don't state it like that, that's so... vulgar!"

She laughs. "Jeez. I even get you off and you're still embarrassed by it, Tohno. Screw thinkin' about if it's right or wrong or if it's good or bad or not. Your body'll let ya know if you like it or not. Just accept it for what it is, ya know?"

...I suppose she does have a point if one thinks it through logically.

After all, everyone likes and dislikes certain things. Nii-san generally dislikes western snacks and food most of the time, but I am more tolerant of western style dishes. Then of course there are things such as clothing. I prefer dresses, Souka likes pants, and only dons a skirt because she must for our uniforms. Although, I think she looks better in a skirt than she gives herself credit for.

Then... if one likes something... regardless of what it is... should they simply be allowed to enjoy it?

No... such language is dangerous. If it is murder... should they be allowed to kill? Of course not. If it is sexuality, fine... but what if it is with a child? Or someone invalid? Or someone senile...? All are disgusting, generally speaking.

...But that is not what she is trying to say, I think.

No, she is merely telling me that if I enjoy the activity... and it is legal... and no harm comes out of it... then, what is the problem?

And... in that...

"...I suppose you have a point," I finish my thought. "But still... it would be a lot more acceptable if you were a male..."

"Heh... you're telling me that just because I'm a girl, that it's less okay than if it were a boy licking ya?" Souka gives her usual, cocky grin.

"N-No, that is not what I am saying at all...!" I manage to stammer out.

"Tongue is tongue, Tohno. So are fingers. If you were blindfolded and someone did that to you, would you know if it were a male or a female?" Souka smiles, her expression turning almost... catlike.

...Well, of course if I could not see them, I would not know if they were male or female based upon that... well, maybe, as males tend to have somewhat more body hair and generally more squared fingers than a female would, but... for the most part...

"...Well... probably not, until I felt facial hair or heard their voice or something..." I am forced to admit.

"Exactly. And besides, what you do in your home is your business, not anybody else's. So what's it matter if a girl eats you out now and again? Considering how much stress it relieves, it's worth it." She eats another forkful of salad, as if this conversation were perfectly normal and natural for two friends to have.

The problem is, it is not! Most girls would not dare to discuss such... awful, carnal things as this! It... well, it is not something so casually discussed! The way Souka makes it sound, it makes it sound like everyone is some sort of lecherous pervert, crazed with lust, and thinking of nothing but fulfilling their own awful, carnal needs!

But yet... the way Souka spoke of such sexual matters so smoothly... she speaks from experience, from the sound of it.

"...How did you figure that out, Souka? That, erm... that you liked... you know..." I blush, being unable to complete the sentence.

"Honestly?" She sits back and stretches for a moment, as she searches her memory. "One day when I was about eight I was sweeping up the shrine. I got bored so I pretended to be a witch riding a broom. I noticed after awhile it felt funny when I moved the broom against my body between my legs. It felt weird, but in a good way, so I kept doing it... until dad found me, anyway. He wasn't very happy. Needless to say, mom took me aside and gave me 'the talk.'" She laugh a bit in embarrassment.

...The talk. Of course. Even Otou-sama and I had "the talk." About sex. About what a man and a woman do to create a child.

All I really learned from Otou-sama regarding "the talk" is the importance of an heir. Nothing about how a woman could do it to another woman, or how intense it could feel, or how much I would crave for that stimulation once I'd experienced it... not a whisper, of any of it.

Souka... well, Souka was raised similar to me, but even more harshly. It is why, despite being a woman of the same social class as myself, she shuns expectations of "nobility" and such. Souka dressed casual, acts casual, talks casual, and could eat even the cheapest of instant food without throwing up, somehow. She is the sort of person a common person could approach, and talk to, without fear.

...I envy that on her, really.

I... want to be more accessible to more people. While I like my reputation just fine, at the same time, I would also like for kouhai to be able to approach me if there is a very serious problem that needs my help. To this day.. I cannot be that person, and it is somewhat annoying.

"So long story short... mom said I shouldn't be doing that out where people could see me, but in my room, it was perfectly okay. So I discovered what my body liked and went from there. The older I got, the more I found myself attracted to girls... especially pretty ones like you and Hanei and Seo." She smiles.

I blink. Me? Pretty...? Attractive, sure, but... pretty...?

Why... would I be pretty...?

There is nothing attractive about me or Seo. I mean, we have no real womanly curves, or much in the way of breasts to speak of.

I-I do not get it. Is that not attractiveness?

"I could see Hanei, but... why me and Seo?" I have to ask.

"Seo? Well, she's a cute little thing. Peppy. Cheerful. I kinda like that about her. As for you? You're gorgeous, Tohno. You've got an attractiveness to you, even though you're not some big-boobed knockout like Hanei. It's not about what you got, but how you use it, you know?"

...Not really. I do not see why someone would prefer smaller sizes. Evolution favored larger breasts and rears as indicators of a fertile female, so... why would she want someone smaller? I have no breasts, and my arms are a bit long, and my stomach is not as thin as it probably should be...

Yet... I am still attractive...?

I do not understand. I do not understand Souka at all here. While I certainly do not think of myself as hideous or ugly... I am also not exactly the type who would have men chasing after her and trying to woo her.

It would take a... well, a very open-minded man to try for something like that, and even if I were able to find such a person, they would not be able to approach me due to my heritage... if I inverted... and returned to my mind to find myself staring at their shredded corpse... I think I would lose all of my sanity then and there, immediately, forever.

"I figured if you would have done this to anyone, it would be Hanei, and not to me, Souka. After all, is Hanei not attractive...?" I ask honestly.

"Eh, I dunno," she says with a bit of a scratch of her head. "Hanei's a knockout, but I don't know if she'd go for something like this. She might not understand it, or worse, misinterpret it. I wouldn't wanna put that on her. 'sides, you know how the girl seems to think we're gonna rape each other... heh, couldn't you see it? 'Sou-chan raped me, Akiha-chan! It was good!' You woulda had my head on a platter within an hour," she says with a laugh.

...Well, true. If Hanei _**HAD**_ come up to me and said that, in her usual cheery voice, I probably would have choked on whatever I were eating, or spit out whatever I were drinking, and no doubt have confronted Souka like a woman possessed. Obviously, there are very few male staff at Asagami, but that does not mean female-on-female rape would be impossible, either.

"I see," I say. It is a rational explanation. "Then... you identify fully as lesbian? No matter what sort of men you know in your life, one could never love you that way?"

"...Hm." She says as she bites her lip slightly, her eyes rolling upward slightly as she mulls my words. "...Honestly? I wouldn't say never. Most guys aren't jerks or anything, but I'd have to find one that understands me, ya know? If he wants some submissive housewife crap, he's out of the running. On the other hand, if he were cool with me being me, and wasn't expecting some passive thing who'll just feed him, then fuck him? I'd give it a shot, at least. After all, ya never know who ya love until you try it, right?"

…...Tsukihime Souka demonstrates that even under the casual, relaxed exterior, there is a surprisingly sharp, intelligent mind.

"...And liking both is okay?" I ask.

"...Huh? Yeah, sure, of course it is. Of course, don't be sleeping around on someone if you get them, but it's not like liking both guys and girls is wrong. Well, some will say it is, but screw 'em." She dismisses this criticism with a wave of her hand. "Just be happy with someone, Tohno. Boy or girl, it don't really matter, if ya ask me. You're only on this planet for a short time... so ya might as well find someone who makes ya happy, and spend time with them, because one day, your time is up and so is theirs, and ya don't want to be dyin' and regrettin' your choices, right?"

...Souka has a very good point. "...I see..." Then... how I feel is okay, I guess...

"...It's because you're thinking you're bi now, huh?"

"...Eh? Bi...?" I blink.

"Yeah. Bisexual. Means you like both guys and girls. I guess I did _**REALLY**_ good if I got you thinking like that!" She laughs, slightly pridefully.

"I... I'm still not sure if that's... for me, so to say," I confess.

"Well, tell you what, Tohno... if you decide that's for you, and I'm not busy..." ...She licks her lips.

"H-huh?" I blink as I look at her.

"Isn't it obvious, Tohno?" She looks at me... almost like she wants to pounce.

...I get the message.

It means that... if I really want to, Tsukihime Souka will continue this altered friendship, the one that has corrupted itself into its current state.

...One where she will strip me and happily pleasure my body until I achieve orgasm, again and again, until I cannot take it anymore...

"...I-I'll consider it," I say a little nervously.

She grins a bit as she usually does, and she points lightly at my lunch with her fork. "Good to hear, good to hear. After all, I wouldn't wanna force that on ya... but for now, get eatin', Tohno. Unless you wanna be one hungry girl for the rest of the day...?"

I look down at my food. I realize I have not touched it since I sat down except for the sip of Iced Tea. My stomach growls, as if to confirm this fact.

"...Of course not. R-right," I say, and I mumble "Itadakimasu" to myself as I begin to eat.

* * *

...Bisexuality.  
It is certainly something I had not considered before...  
Liking both men and women...? Is... that possible...?

* * *

Next Week (4/24/11) – Chapter 47: "The Name for Thinking by the Window is..."


	48. The Name for Thinking by the Window is…

Chapter 47: "The Name for Thinking by the Window is..."

* * *

The rest of the day... it is such a blur. I scarcely remember any of it.

In fact... I do not even really remember coming home, or what happened when I did. I am sure Hisui greeted me, and maybe Yumizuka-san, but I cannot remember.

Instead, I just find myself sitting by the open window in my room.

Thinking.

Thinking by the window.

And I cannot put the name on how I feel right now. There... There is conflict, and emotions, and questions, and desires, and hopes, and wishes, and dreams...

It is almost too much for one person's mind to handle. Even if that mind is used to juggling several things at once such as my own. Questions upon questions. Answers that depend on answers that depend on yet more questions.

I understand Souka now. I understand why she did it. She must have seen how much Seo's doujinshi was affecting me mentally, and figured someone had to step up, so to speak, and that it may as well be her.

...Her ideas on how to change it are certainly very unorthodox... and very, very effective.

What sort of friend would dare to be so... physically intimate? That she would go from being a roommate and a friend, to someone sexual?

...Tsukihime Souka, that is who.

Souka was never the type to follow "normal" rules or conventions. It had part to do with her identity of an individual making a choice for themselves, and refusing to be bound or shackled by society's expectations. If Tsukihime Souka is going to do something, it is because she wants to do it... and for no other reason whatsoever.

That is why she did to me what she did to me. Because she wanted to do that to me. There was no ulterior motive, no real reason to corrupt her friend... she simply felt she was lonely, and sexually frustrated, and took it upon herself to give me a good time, as one could say.

She wanted me to feel that, to experience that. And not just feel and experience it... but feel and experience it from someone I knew. Someone I trusted.

…...Someone I would not really resist.

That is a key factor, of course. Were this some stranger, I would have resisted immediately. Were I not comfortable in her presence, I would have not allowed things to get to that level. Instead, thanks to my comfort around her, and perhaps a little bit of Kohaku... making things happen, I either allowed it, or was simply too out of my mind to think about disallowing it.

"Still... it felt nice..." The admission comes freely out of my mouth.

I... I have to admit that it did. I must admit that the more I think about it... the more I realize that I liked how that felt. Even if Souka was a female.

Because, in the end, that is just a part of why she did it.

Tsukihime Souka simply cares for me. For her friend, living a very different life. But despite our differences, we have similarities...

...A desire for love. To experience it, to feel it... to give it.

I want to give it. To Nii-san. And... maybe I did. I do not know. I am a bit afraid to confirm that...

...And yet I can feel the heat building in my stomach from thinking about it. Hear that thought in the back of my mind that is whispering "Go ahead and do it."

As if encouraging me that this was a perfectly natural, rational, even logical decision.

I sigh and shake the thoughts out of my head. I cannot focus on them now. I have to think about myself.

Can... no, does... no... is Tohno Akiha bisexual?

...Such a simple question. It could be answered by a yes or a no. But... I do not know the answer to it. Sitting by this window is not bringing me the answer, even though it is quite after dark, I notice. Well, of course. It is November. The sun is setting before 5 PM now.

My enemies will be stronger, as a result. They have more time to be active. And increased activity, of course, means that I need to take some precautions, such as serums for infectious bites.

...I can die at any time fighting them. And, I do not want to die without having experienced love.

I think I am feeling this towards Tsukihime Souka, but... I really need more time to feel it out, to see if it is, indeed, true love, or just a desire for attachment, from knowing her and accepting her presence and impact on my life for all of these years.

There is more to love than procreation. I realize that now. It is not merely about making heirs, even if that is all Otou-sama told me.

Rather... it is about giving someone moments of happiness, even if they are both more brief than either of you would like. The ability to come home from your stresses, your worries, your troubles...

...To someone who will welcome you with open arms, and make your heart feel just a little bit better with a smile, or a reassurance.

...This is what Tohno Akiha lacks. For years, her love was put onto Nii-san. A Nii-san that could not be there for her, but just keeping him in her thoughts was good enough. Keeping him alive, and braving the pain of it... to me, that was love, and in that, I found solace.

Then... is my contemplating this choice acceptable? I sigh as I sit back slightly, feeling a chilly breeze blow through my hair. I consider, briefly, getting on my heavier winter coat, but ultimately, I change my mind, and enjoy the chilly breeze for what it is.

Well, let us look at it realistically, first of all. publicly, the head of the Tohno having a female lover would be scandalous. Possibly the only thing more scandalous would be "incestuous" love for her brother.

...And yet.

…...Whose business is it that they check up whom I decide to love? Tohno Akiha or not... I still have feelings. I do not express them very often as I partially do not like to, and partially because Otou-sama steered me away from that.

...But, the only people to whom it should matter whom I love is myself, and whomever I fall in love with. Whether it is Nii-san, or Souka, or whoever... it would be our private lives, and our private business.

Therefore, whom I love is my matter, and the matter of the person I love, and nobody else should have the right to tell me who I can, and cannot, have.

...Yes. Balancing this all may be difficult, but a Tohno does not accept failure, and my private life is nobody's public business. If I have to put on an external appearance, that is fine, but my heart is mine and mine alone except for those whom I share it with.

Then, it's settled.

"...I am bisexual, it seems."

It comes out of my throat surprisingly easy once I allow it to.

If I can accept that it is my choice whom I love or not, there is no reason to not accept a female as my lover, despite what others say.

Because... love is love. And we should all be entitled to seek it from whomever we choose, whether they are the same gender as we are or not.

Really... why does our society place such an emphasis on it being "right" or "wrong" to love another if they are of the same sex? It is much more of an issue in the western world than here, but there is still a stigma of mistrust, of it being "forbidden."

...Just as my love for Nii-san would be.

You cannot help whom you fall in love with. Even if it is the person whom you thought would be least likely to be your partner in that way... the mind works in some very strange and odd ways sometimes. For most, there would be any number of potential partners.

For most, it is simply a matter of finding someone who has the same interests and desires as you do, and making them work, together, mutually benefiting both participants.

For me... the choices are significantly narrower.

Of course I would be Nii-san's wife if he asked, but... if he does not, I want someone in my life. Someone who I can look forward to seeing, to feeling. Someone whom will just accept me for what I am. Someone who could see all that I am, and everything that I could never be.

And, right now, there are only three other people I could see filling that void.

...Seo Akira, Misawa Hanei, and... Tsukihime Souka.

Souka would be the most obvious choice. She very obviously has an interest in me, but... is that interest only of a friend, or is it one of a lover? I think that Souka cares for me deeply as a friend, but... as a lover, I honestly am unsure. Though... having her by my side would be... nice.

...Then, what about Hanepin? She is gorgeous, but... that is the problem. While she is gorgeous, and I am certain she would be 100% faithful, her mentality, or rather, the occasional lack thereof... that is a problem. The last thing I need to be doing is explaining to Hanei why my hair turns red whenever I work myself up...

...So that leaves Seo. But is Seo emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship? She is only fifteen - well, almost sixteen, in two more months. She generally still acts whimsical and is childlike at times. But yet... by doing those very things, I envy her sometimes.

My childhood was, for all intents and purposes, dead at the age of eight, when Nii-san had his accident and then father had him move. I... I had no real time to be a girl anymore. I had to become a woman, immediately... and not just a woman, but a successor.

The child, Tohno Akiha, died, and the heir, Tohno Akiha, was born.

And for another eight, nine years, she was able to live that way because she had to. Because it was necessary to ensure her survival, and the survival of the Tohno. Because she needed to live for someone, even if that someone did not and would not ever know.

...And that all changed due to Friday.

Because after Friday, she realized just how much she valued her life being different from how it was. How important it would be to look at things from alternate views, alternate perspectives.

I must admit... getting out of my head for yesterday, even though it was not as long as I would have liked... it was oddly... thrilling. The clothes. The food. It had its own admirable aspects. So it was not as refined as what I usually wear or eat... but it was still comfortable, and I did enjoy the hot dog.

Simply walking around, and having Seo and Hanei with me... it was enjoyable, in a simple, pure way. I paid a good deal of money that day, but in the end... their smiles were repayment enough, and for some reason I cannot fully explain, I felt content with that being my payment, as opposed to hard currency.

...I could have done without being forced to reveal myself to Seo, though.

While what had happened inside the haunted house was simply a freak accident, it is still not something I would have willingly done. The fact that Seo's life was on the line forced me into action, and panic forced me to divulge that side of myself. It was either that, or risk my friend becoming paraplegic... and I would not be able to live with myself if I knew that my pride or fright at the revelation would result in permanent harm to her.

So... I said, possibly for the first time in my life, that my friends were more important than keeping my secret. And thus, Seo Akira can walk today.

I do not have regrets over doing that though. While I did the best I could to skirt around her questions, I know Seo is not a stupid girl. She knows very well how serious I treat things, so I suppose that in some way, my quasi-explanation of what the Tohno really are is serving as a test, a test of how well she can keep a very deep secret of mine indeed.

Because if she cannot, I will literally kill her, unless she kills me. If she outs me as a demon, I will become one, just as she requested. I meet force equally, so how hard my reaction is, depends on how firm the accusation is.

But the truth of the matter is... Tohno Akiha is not a full-blooded human. Even if blackness completely consumed her heart, she can never be as monstrous as one who rose from the very cracks of hell,for she is only part demon. She will not have the extended lifespan of a full demon. At best, she will have a normal human lifespan.

At worst... seven or eight more years, although in theory I could have a myocardial infarction and drop dead right now. It will not happen, of course; I keep my body in good shape, but still... Oka-sama died very young, but she was a full human, as opposed to me. A pure human body will always be more frail than mine, and I can take blows that would kill a human. Likewise, it takes more violence in order to seriously damage me.

I stand up and open the doors as I walk out to the balcony, looking up. The blue of the day has been replaced by the black of night, with tiny little spots of light blinking like tiny little eyes. Each of them, looking down at me as I look back up at them. Dancing in the black sky, like little fireflies around a tree.

"...I guess it cannot be helped," I say with a sigh, but a slight smile.

Yes. That is what I am now. This is me. This is who I want Tohno Akiha to be from now on.

Someone who can accept either a male... or a female... as a lover. Because, Tohno Akiha wants to love, and be loved. Regardless of what gender it is. Not even the fear of her secret becoming known is as much of a detriment as it once was... because, well, if worse came to worse, I could kill them... or have them killed. After all, the Tohno are a family with powerful connections, so it would not be too hard for me to find some assassins to hire if necessary...

…...No, what am I thinking? I doubt my friends would reveal that side of me. Even if they did... who would believe them? Only a handful of people in the world would find something strange with my blood, compared to most humans. To a regular hospital, my blood, while uncommon, is certainly not impossible to find, if only because they don't know what genes to check for that shows one is actually not fully human at all.

Tohno Akiha has learned that she cannot truly live a solitary existence any longer. Well, it was not fully solitary, with Hisui and Kohaku and Nii-san here, but it was about as solitary as an existence can get while maintaining communication with the outside worl–

I am startled by someone touching me. I whirl around. It is Hisui.

"...Akiha-sama? Is everything okay?" She looks at me worriedly. I sigh, as I try to calm myself down.

"...It is not your fault, Hisui. I have just been thinking of things. Do you... have a moment to share your opinion with me regarding something...?" I ask her directly.

"...Eh...?" She blinks, looking slightly stunned, no doubt by the sudden question being laid out. "...O, Of course, Akiha-sama. What do you want to ask me?"

I swallow my pride. If... If I truly do love both men and women, then, I must be able to say it to Hisui. "Well... last Friday, ah, something happened, and since then I have been thinking..."

She looks at me. "Of course. You're referring to the sex you and Souka-san had, yes?" She says this with a perfectly straight face, as if she had known this all along.

"H-HISUIǃ?" Who told her?ǃ? They're going to regret this immedia–

"...I was the one who cleaned you up, Akiha-sama," Hisui says with a deep, noticeable blush. "It was impossible not to notice..."

...Hisui cleaning me? That means that she... s-saw my private parts, and...

"...Y-You did?ǃ But Souka said she got Kohaku and–"

"–and Nee-san got me," she says calmly, although the blush in her cheeks begins to noticeably deepen.

Surely not nearly as deep as mine must be. I can feel the heat streaming from them.

Hisui. Hisui is someone whom both Kohaku and I wanted to protect from such... corruption. Kohaku had a far better reason than I to do it, I admit, and as noble as my intentions are, I do not think I would be able to endure nightly rape, as she had, just to protect her sister's purity and innocence.

…...More than that... I do not even know if I would be able to make such a decision, in order to protect a friend.

It is a sad thing to say, but Tohno Akiha would rather die than watch her friends come to harm... even if that means she is only dying so she does not have to see them tortured and then killed. Friends are one of the few things she can safely have in this world, and pretend that she is just like everyone else in this regard, no matter how different she actually is.

And yet, was there not someone who once said that strange people attract more strange people?

Both of my roommates and my kouhai would appear perfectly normal externally, as do I. Internally, I know that the strangeness in my roommates extends to their personalities, and not to any abilities bestowed upon them by way of birth.

So... while Kohaku protected her first and foremost, once I figured out what was happening, I tried to protect Hisui. I tried to protect Kohaku, too, but by then she was like a doll. To her, going into Otou-sama's bedroom to have her kimono torn off and her body penetrated was necessary just to sleep, otherwise it simply did not feel right.

"Permission to speak freely, Akiha-sama?" Hisui's sudden words bring me out of my deeper thoughts.

She looks at me quite seriously. A look that clearly says "I have an opinion on this issue, and I would like you to hear it."

"Of course," I say without really thinking about it. I want to hear Hisui's opinions on this, very much. I know Kohaku is okay with it, especially if she drugged me so I had it in the first place, but...

"Y... You'd be okay with it, even if I did, though...?" Her voice, up until a moment ago firm, suddenly falters somewhat, but not much, as she remains as determined as ever to want to state her mind on this issue.

"...It would be silly of me to ask for your opinion and then just summarily ignore it, would it not? No, Hisui, I want to hear what you think on the issue. I know it may be a little awkward, but... please. It is important to me..."

Hisui closes her eyes, clasping her hands lightly in front of her. "Very well then. I will give my opinion on this, but what Akiha-sama does with this information is completely up to her." Hisui takes a deep breath, then a slow exhale, before she continues once more. "What Akiha-sama does with her personal life, is Akiha-sama's business. If she thinks she will find happiness with a female, then that is what she should do." She smiles slightly.

E... Eh...?

H-How can you say that so... normally, Hisui? This is not just a small, regular decision! I, If you do not like it, I have to replace you, and I do not think that would do very good for Kohaku's mentality... or my mortality.

"Y... You sure you are okay with this? If you agree it is okay, then there is no stepping back, you know...!"

Hisui blinks and tilts her head ever so slightly. "Yeah, I know. But what would changing whom you're attracted to actually change anything, Akiha-sama? It doesn't change your personality simply because you are romantically interested in a female. Well... it might, if you find yourself happier and more at ease in your life, but..." Hisui clearly trails off, her own speaking momentarily consumed by the sink that is next to her.

...Hisui speaks the truth. It could change Tohno Akiha... perhaps drastically. In some ways, it certainly already has, if she was willing to be sexual with another girl, dress in clothes she would normally never wear, and show a side of herself that she would not normally show unless it was under the most dire of conditions.

But... it is not the first time in her life that she found herself changing, altering. Just as waiting for Nii-san, and loving Nii-san, changed her. First by keeping her alive, and then by showing her how lonely she had been without someone to fill that void...

The need to love, and be loved... it is a basic human emotion. Even as mechanical as I seem to be sometimes, the simple fact of the matter is...

...Tohno Akiha is human.

…...And humans need love.

"...If it made you uncomfortable," I begin, "I would not force you to stay here if you did not want to, Hisui. You know that."

"I've already made my mind up on that, Akiha-sama. Akiha-sama's personal life is none of my business unless she wants it to be." She closes her eyes as she speaks her second sentence. "Unless, of course, Akiha-sama wishes to make it my business, in which case, it is my duty to help Akiha-sama in whatever way is requested of me, if I can."

"...I see," I say. "Thank you, Hisui."

She opens her eyes, and smiles. "That said... regardless of where your interests lie, Akiha-sama, I wish you luck in finding whomever is right for you. I'm sure they're out there, somewhere."

And with that, she bows, and excuses herself. I watch her as she walks off, her gait and movement completely normal. It betrays no anger, or no facetious lie so that I heard what I wanted to hear.

No, those were obviously the true feelings of Hisui.

I look back up at the stars after the image of Hisui is but a memory. Like thousands of little sparkles, they hang in the cool night air.

Somewhere, right now, maybe... Tohno Akiha's future love is looking up at those very same stars, filling their eyes with their simple beauty and grace, sharing an overlooking view with one whom will have their heart belong to me, and likewise, my heart will be theirs.

"...I do not know where you are, but someday we will meet, I am sure..."

With this promise, I walk back indoors, closing the door to the balcony behind me. For now that I know who I am... it is time for me to settle on what I want.

* * *

It is only fitting that I feel I am attracted to both sexes.  
After all... my life, my struggle, is a carefully-maintained balance.  
Would this not be exactly what sexuality is, as well...?

* * *

Next Week (5/1/11) – Chapter 48: "An Image of Infinite Clarity and Beyond"


	49. An Image of Infinite Clarity and Beyond

Chapter 48: "An Image of Infinite Clarity and Beyond"

* * *

That night, I lay awake in my bed, thinking about today, and myself.

How I seemed to come to the conclusion that I can, indeed, find love from even someone unexpected. Someone who does not need to be Nii-san.

...As it turns out, they do not even need to be male.

I got the answers I wanted from Souka. I am more than a friend to her. I am someone she can... be sexual with, it seems. Someone to whom that "dirty" act is not a thing of ugliness, or a thing that is improper...

…...It is simply the ultimate extension of the love she has towards her roommate, Tohno Akiha.

I still do not fully understand her reasons, but I do understand her logic. That is fairly simple to grasp.

To her, Tohno Akiha is a very dear friend. Someone whose feelings, thoughts, opinions, well-being... these all matter to her. How she is doing matters. How happy, or sad, or frustrated, or scared she is feeling matters.

She cared enough about me to love me... not just emotionally, not just platonically, but quite literally physically, with the ultimate intimacy... the kinds one usually is only supposed to give to those they really, truly love. And for Tsukihime Souka, it mattered not that we were both female, because apparently, to her love is love, regardless of the gender of the receiver.

Tsukihime Souka wanted me, even if only for that once, to feel loved. For those brief... what, ten minutes perhaps? Even that ten minutes...

Ten minutes that will last a lifetime.

...Ten minutes that will always be among Tohno Akiha's memories.

…...Ten minutes that seemed to last forever, and yet were over all too quickly.

"…...It is silly."

It really is. To go from feeling threatened, to pressured, to curiosity, to interest, to pure carnal desire, all because a certain part of our bodies are being touched in all the right ways...

…...The human body truly is an interesting, and complex, machine. Push the right buttons, touch the right places, and you can turn even the most sane, logical, rational thinker into someone unable to ignore the call of thousands upon thousands of generations of mating instinct.

Souka ultimately managed to get me to that basic state of mind... with a little help from Kohaku. But... now I am beginning to wonder if she even would have needed that.

Why? Simple. Tohno Akiha... is so repressed that even a simple kiss would have paralyzed her to the rest of the things that Tsukihime Souka would have done. She would have been so surprised that she would not have resisted at all.

Before then, I would not have allowed anyone except Hisui, Kohaku, and Nii-san to see even my undergarments... and even then, only if really necessary, or in Nii-san's case, if we were to... well, consummate.

Now, though... I find myself thinking about my new identity, my altered sense of self. The last time I felt a change this jarring in my system was when Otou-sama told me I was not human.

...And yet.

Here I am, with human thoughts and worries ever since I woke up on Saturday, and very human reactions to the words Souka was saying.

I was pretty, she said. Even though my sizes were really only slightly larger than Souka's, and nowhere near Hanei's.

It was because of "how I use it," she said. That it is not all about physical attributes... but how one carries themselves.

...Well, a larger bust would look out of place on my frame, I suppose. Hanei's body is more built for that, but my body is generally slim, and perhaps slightly athletic. It is not made for voluptuous curves, but for a slim, graceful sort of beauty...

...So, I guess she was really saying that I should stop worrying that my chest is not as large as I would like, or that my rear is small and somewhat flat. That I am fine just how I am, and should not change a thing.

…...The more I think about that, the more I begin to like the idea.

After all, every person differs in many ways. Hair color. Eye color. Height. Weight. Ethnicity. Bodily proportions. Women differ in sizes, and men differ in... genital sizes...

So... I should really stop worrying about mine.

That is the whole point that Souka was trying to make. I cannot change my sizes, but...

...Those who matter do not mind... and those who mind, do not matter.

Yes. That is all. It is that simple.

Forget what others think of your choices and relationships, as long as they are not a part of your life. If they are, then, and only then, does their opinion matter. It is nobody's business but my own whom I love and whom I do not, even if other people attempt to make a great deal out of such a thing.

So I should just be concerned with finding someone that makes Tohno Akiha happy. There is no "What if the press scandalizes me?" or "What if the public does not like it?" Our businesses are businesses; does it really matter if the person running them likes women or men, so long as they do a good job?

No, it does not.

My personal life and the things I do to keep our family's positions are two totally separate parts of the life of Tohno Akiha. The only things they have in common are that they both demand time, energy, and investment from her.

But for far too long, it was only focused on one of those two. The business side. Because I was saving myself for the love of one, and only one, person, and I would foolishly accept love from no other.

That Tohno Akiha would attain Nii-san's love, or die a virgin.

But... that all changed on Friday. When Souka surprised me, and gave me an experience that I can now never forget. Showing me that love can sometimes come from directions and people least expected.

_"Akiha-sama. Do you know what they say about love? One cannot help whom you fall in love with, and that it is pointless to fight it."_

Kohaku's words, from awhile ago, come floating back into my memory.

...It is ironic.

The woman who was raped for nearly half her life... the former living doll, knows more about love and loving than I, who had the best education money could obtain, knew. Practical experience, being inherently worth far more than the best in books.

And she secretly went about slowly acclimating me to the ideas. A hug here, a smile there. A kiss laced with drugs. Gentle words of passive encouragement. Even her seemingly arrogant and haughty laughter at my surprise of the subject...

…...It served to fuel me to find out more.

...Perhaps more than anyone else, Kohaku wants Tohno Akiha not just to find love... she wants her to feel love. To experience it in all of its dimensions. Not just emotionally, or platonically, but physically as well.

To this end, she made my body unable to resist Souka's advances.

And she proved she wanted me to know this, by waiting until I noticed her before she left us so that we could have our privacy in our intimacy. To know that she had some part in this...

"...Why?"

I do not understand her logic fully. I think I am in the right general direction with it, but I do not fully understand Kohaku's mind.

I mean... if what happened last night _**WAS**_ real, then Kohaku basically gave Nii-san permission to be adulterous. To have sex with me. So I think it is a dream, but... I do not fully know, and I am afraid of finding out.

If I get it wrong, it could be very embarrassing and awkward for us all. For myself, and for Nii-san, and for Yumizuka-san. And... well, I doubt we will be able to look at each other without feeling embarrassed for quite some time.

But if I am right... then... I really did have sex with Nii-san. And I did not want it to end, ever. But like all good things... it must end sooner or later.

The body is not built to maintain any physical state except for homeostasis over such an extended time, and arousal is no exception. If held too long, the body begins to ache from all the trapped, stagnant blood. In order for homeostasis to be achieved, this stagnant, stale blood must be recirculated through the body.

...Only orgasm will return the blood flow away from the genitals and back into general circulation.

And that feeling... is one that is impossible to describe. Supposedly, everyone experiences that sensation a little differently. The only generally agreeable thing about it, from all people, is that it is generally a good sensation, and if hard enough... can induce a deep desire to want to sleep.

...The one Souka brought upon me was hard... but it felt nothing like the one that I had from Nii-san and Yumizuka-san. The feeling that it was as if my entire soul was being ripped from my bones, ultimately held to my body by only gristle and sinew.

...That will remain a treasured memory forever, too.

...Even if it was a dream... it was the most realistic dream I've ever felt. Even if that really was just a dream... it is something to treasure. Something to remember. Something to never let go of.

Why? That is simple. For a few moments... Tohno Akiha had everything she wanted, and for those few moments, she could live happily ever after. Even if it is not reality... for a few moments, her mind gave her the ultimate reward. No... the ultimate reassurance, that she has experienced it, and that the important thing was to love, and be loved, in kind.

I sigh, and look up at my bed's tester. It hangs, like a curtain or a sheet, closing me off from the rest of my room. Giving me full and complete privacy, as well as holding in the warmth a little. The wind from the slightly opened doorway to my patio creates delicate ripples in the fabric, and it is like looking at the surface of the ocean, surrounding me on all four sides.

...This time last night, Tohno Akiha either had sex with Nii-san, or she was dreaming of having sex with him. Reality was happening... or a dream so real that I can accept it and embrace it as if it were.

One thing, however, is the ultimate feeling that I get... regardless of whether it is a dream, or whether it was actual reality.

"…...It was good."

That much is undeniable.

I do not know for sure, and truth be told... knowing would ruin it. The fact that I do not know... somehow, that makes it even more precious, even more treasured. I am unsure why. But... I feel I do not want to find out, even though a small part of me insists that I should do so.

Somehow... finding out would ruin the magic of it. Knowing that Nii-san and Yumizuka-san did that willingly will form a stronger relationship, but... then I will not be able to help but look at them sexually. On the other hand, if they did not do It, it will seem as if I am a perverted woman, and... well, I do not wish to suddenly become promiscuous just because of that one episode.

"...Some things in life are best left unanswered." I agree with myself by nodding.

Yes. Like this. Regardless of if it was real, or just her imagination, the simple but pure pleasures Tohno Akiha felt from it was enough to be satisfying. Not every question in life needs a concrete answer... sometimes, one should just live for the moment.

No... satisfying is not quite the word that would describe the events of last night. Exhilarating... that is more appropriate.

Satisfying would be something being "merely" enjoyable. This went beyond such a insignificant level of pleasure. This was something that... well, words could not fully express how that feeling was...

This was... a full blown bodily pleasure that was so intense that the primal portions of my mind took over, reacting solely on instinct. The biological, instinctual urge to reproduce. To get the male deep inside of me, and to release as much seed into my womb as he possibly could. To mark me. To make me his breeding female.

...That is why my body felt even hotter when I began pushing myself up and down. To encourage me to keep doing it, to speed up his orgasm, as well as my own, for the female orgasm can cause a man to have his own, and the cervical contractions would suck the sperm into my uterus with ease, like a person taking a drink from a drinking fountain

…...That is why our orgasms timed themselves so perfectly. As he released into my vagina, my own body released its fluids and built-up tension, as the muscles made my uterus contract and my cervix open and close to draw the semen inside of my womb, to allow it to better enter my womb in an attempt to impregnate me...

...It is strange how a girl could... want that.

Women are usually very particular about how others perceive them. We do not want to appear dirty, or tired, or in any way unattractive. There are some women who will go to great lengths to avoid the need to belch, or break wind, because it is supposedly "unladylike."

...Yet this is somehow supposed to include all things sexual? As if it is bad for a woman to want to desire someone to give you simple bodily pleasure, but not a man?

…...Ridiculous. A woman should be fully in control of her own body, just like a man should be in full control of his. If... if I want to sleep with someone, that should be my choice, and nobody else's!

So if I want to sleep with Yumizuka-san, and Nii-san, and do sexual things to them, and have them do sexual things to me... that is our choice...

I turn over onto my side, and sigh wistfully. I feel the light heat in my stomach again. A heat that I am slowly beginning to recognize the purpose of.

...The heat that means I am aroused a little.

Now that I have... experienced that... I know that I want someone to help me relieve it... and wishing someone were here to do that with me. E-Especially Souka.

Because, while I could order Hisui... that would almost be rape... plus, Kohaku would be very unhappy with me, and I have learned my lesson on making Kohaku unhappy.

As for Kohaku herself... Kohaku is not here on the weekends, so the earliest I could even think about asking her would be much later this week

Yumizuka-san would be awkward, especially if that turned out to be a dream and thus she has no interests in girls at all... and Nii-san would _**DEFINITELY**_ be awkward, because, well... he would be cheating on Kohaku, which goes right back to the point of not making Kohaku angry, lest I wind up with a needle the size of my forearm squirting medication into my brain.

…...There is Len... and as a bonus, the girl is very unlikely to refuse an offer of sex, due to her nature... but, that would be selfish of me. She is Nii-san's familiar, not mine. And, it is fully possible she is already asleep with him, meaning that I would have to check tomorrow...

...Though, it would not hurt to check, I suppose.

I pull away the covers, and walk quietly out of my room, to Nii-san's door. I open it quietly, looking in.

...He is asleep, his glasses off and on the end-table, his hair a bit of a mess from some light movement.

Len is curled up by his feet, into a small ball, in her human form. The expression on her face is one of contentment.

And next to him... much to my surprise... is Yumizuka-san, with the most peaceful and serene expression I have ever seen. One of simple yet pure bliss, peace, and happiness.

I smile softly to myself. It is a wonderful image. I close my eyes so I may recall it later, etching it into my memories. I want new ones. I want new ones to replace the old ones...

I walk over carefully, and bend down, and give Nii-san a slight, quiet kiss on his lips. His lips press up slightly even in unconsciousness, and he mmms softly from deep in his throat before settling back into his slumber. His arms squeezes the pillow that is supporting his head carefully. Protectively.

...Perhaps he is dreaming of protecting me. I can only hope... but even if he is not, I will love him anyway. Because that... is what Tohno Akiha will always feel towards Nii-san... the person who saved her life nine years ago.

"Thank you, Nii-san. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for loving me until the end." I bite my lip, trying to stifle the urge to sharply inhale.

He does not awaken. His shoulders slowly rise, then fall, as he sleeps, as he quietly breathes in his deep slumber. I smile, and turn my attention to the second person in the bed...

…...Yumizuka-san.

Her cheek is resting gently on his chest. Her upper body, like Nii-san's, is rising and falling slightly with her breathing, even though she no longer has a true need to breathe – then again, one cannot easily un-remember that for much of her life, she needed to breathe much like Nii-san or I did. Her arms are wrapped around him, and do not seem to want to let him go at any cost.

She should be watching the mansion, but this is a picture I do not wish to disturb. For the first time in a long time, perhaps, Yumizuka Satsuki is truly happy. The gentle, peaceful expression on her face shows that.

If nothing else... she deserves these slices of happiness as much as anyone else.

I likewise lean over, and very carefully kiss her on her lips. She smiles and her lips press back slightly as she's kissed, and I hear her softly whisper "Tohno-kun..." as her arms tighten slightly around him before she falls back into deeper sleep.

She is obviously dreaming of the one who has her heart. A rival, in one way... but looking at her now, and seeing this simple, pure happiness... I forget all of that. I forget that she is a rival for his affections. I forget that she is a vampire. I forget it completely... because the look on her face is the look that only a person who, deep down, is still human,can ever have. This simple look of bliss.

"…...And thank you too, Yumizuka-san. Thank you for showing that even in darkness there is nobility. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for being there more than most servants ever would be." I rub her back slightly, which causes her to moan very slightly from deep in her throat as she hugs Nii-san closer; her cherished, most precious object.

...It would be wrong to be angry at her, even for this. I will not complain about it. After so much pain... a simple night to hug Nii-san is hardly even enough. Between the four of us in this room... we will likely be all quickly alerted to an intruder, at any rate... so ultimately, maybe I do not need her to do night sentry duty so much. Maybe I should simply allow her to have peaceful nights like this, with Nii-san.

...Last, but not least, is the young girl sleeping at Nii-san's feet, curled into a small ball and yet looking content. The girl with light blue hair. Perhaps influencing a dream of Nii-san's, or Yumizuka-san's... maybe even giving them happy moments of bliss. For in a dream, they are safe to do as they please, while there is no risk or danger. Well... not that Nii-san would be able to impregnate a... Dead Apostle, I think Arcueid-san called them...? At least... not as far as I know, anyway...

...She, too, gets a soft kiss. Like Yumizuka-san, as if it were a natural, common reply for any woman, her lips press back in instinct.

"...And you, Len. Even though I do not say it very much... thank you for helping me when I needed it, and thank you for becoming a part of our family." I feel a smile form across my face without even trying.

I can say all of these things honestly, with all of my heart.

Because, Tohno Akiha's family loves her, in their own ways. And... she loves them back in her own way.

I sigh happily. It is strange. To feel this happy, just because of that... because of saying a few honest words, to people who are so good to me that really, I do not know how I could ever repay them.

...Really, it is like an enormous weight has been lifted from my being. It is like I have somehow become more human, just by that simple act Souka did.

And, it is true. Because the concept of love to a demon, is a foreign one.

Only a human can experience real, true love, of the sort I did.

...And Tohno Akiha... is half-human.

That simple action made Tohno Akiha slightly less demon, and slightly more human. And within that extra humanity, she is finding peace and happiness.

Perhaps I do not know exactly who, but now I know that I will certainly find love. It may happen in ten years, or it may happen tomorrow. But it will happen.

Tohno Akiha will break the family tradition of living and dying alone, even if it is with a nontraditional partner. The cycle that has continued for generations stops here. She will find someone whom she loves, and whom loves her, and is not scared by what she may turn into. Because... I can beat this, if I wanted to. As long as I keep my demon self in check... and have a happy, stress-free home... I will live a normal lifespan, as opposed to the fifty or so that most Tohno women get.

"...Thank you, all three of you, for this gift. I will not forget it for the rest of my life." I whisper quietly to all of them.

I quietly exit the room, leaving the three to their slumbers. I have impinged on it enough. Walking back to my room, I cannot help but silently smile to myself the whole way back, even in the darkness. I am sure that it illuminates the hallway as if it were a flashlight.

I re-enter my bedroom, and lay back down on my bed. Somehow, it is as if my mind wanted me to check on Nii-san and let those thoughts air out before it decided to allow me to sleep, for I do not lay down on it for very long before I can feel tiredness and a desire to sleep beginning to overtake me.

I slide under my covers, and grab a few pillows and, after stacking them, I lay my head on them. My consciousness is beginning to recede... I can feel that.

"...I love you. All of you." The quietly whispered feelings of the heart of Tohno Akiha.

And with these words, my eyes flutter shut and my brain allows me to slip into unconsciousness.

* * *

...Goodnight, Nii-san.  
Goodnight, Yumizuka-san.  
Goodnight, Len.

* * *

Next Week (5/8/11) – Chapter 49: "Uncharted Territory"


	50. Uncharted Territory

Chapter 49: "Uncharted Territory"  
Tuesday, November 5, 2002

* * *

The next morning is pleasant, if uneventful, before I leave. Once more I encounter Yumizuka-san getting ready to retire for the day, sipping on a blood pack, and seeming quite happy.

I cannot help but smile at her happiness after she passes me.

I know why, now. It is the expression of a girl who has gotten virtually all she wants in life. In this case, to not be treated to a monster, and to have access to Nii-san, is enough to make Yumizuka-san happy. And as long as she is happy, that is all that matters to me.

Hisui's choice of breakfast today was to make a stack of pancakes. It is a western food, but I am in the mood for them, so it works out well. I eat very carefully, allowing myself a small amount of syrup and admittedly being perhaps slightly too indulgent on butter.

After the warm breakfast and thanking Hisui for the meal, to which she seems rather stunned but slightly pleased, I am off with my driver towards Asagami Private Girls Academy.

It is strange how nice of a day it can be, in the morning when one's heart is content. Then again, it is not so strange... when one is happy and content, they have something to look forward to when they return home, do they not?

I suppose that for me, that thing is knowing that I have made at least one person in that household happy. Knowing that Yumizuka-san feels so at ease that she would even sleep in Nii-san's bed... she is a very bold young woman.

...Either that, or a better judge of my character than I am. The old Tohno Akiha would probably have killed her then and there for such indiscretion.

Instead... I felt happiness, for a reason I still cannot fully explain. But... I just knew that anger was not the answer.

I am not sure why I feel this way. In some ways... I am not sure if this is just some phase, brought on by a sentimental desire to want to feel close to someone. All I know is that it is how I want to feel right now... and so I shall.

I enter our dorm, unlocking it with my keys.

"Souka? Hanei? Are you here?" There is no response.

Further examination of our dorm room reveals that there is no sight of Souka... but there is a still-sleeping Misawa Hanei, in her bed, snoozing heavily on her back, drooling slightly, sprawled out... spread wide on her bed.

…...I blush furiously as a certain perverted thought enters my mind.

...Why would I think of something like that? Th, that is not something I should be thinking! Hanei is a friend! She is not someone who I should treat as an object like this!

…...So why am I thinking about...?ǃ

That is not something I would do. Ever. And yet...

Hanei is an extremely heavy sleeper. Surely, she will not notice...

"...Damn this curiosity," I hiss to myself as I approach quietly.

Yes. Quietly. If I do not do this quietly, she will wake up. If she wakes up... a long, uncomfortable talk of just why I was doing what I am about to do will begin... and I am not quite sure if Misawa Hanei will exactly be able to understand it all.

...So, I walk over, I kiss her lips... and feel up her chest a little.

A light blush fills her cheeks slightly as I do, but it probably is not nearly as deep as the blush that fills my own.

Her lips feel very warm, full, and soft. They are good to kiss, one would say... and I think, in the back of my mind, that whatever man ends up winning her heart and can kiss these lips every day would be a very lucky man indeed. The attractiveness, beauty, and the smile of Misawa Hanei would be a good way to make any morning, no matter how bad one would normally feel about having to get out bed and do one's daily duties in life.

As for her chest... it feels warm, and soft, and a bit firm yet squishy. It is an oddly pleasant feeling... and I feel my cheeks redden even more as I can feel Hanei's nipples beginning to harden under my palms, but she shows no signs of awakening. Feeling more confident, I begin to pinch them slightly.

A light moan escapes from her throat. It sounds... pleasing to the ear. Assuring me that I am doing something that she wants... that feels good to her. Unconsciously, her body moves, attempting to give me better access to her chest... and her thighs spread apart slightly, as if in preparation for... something.

…...Of course, it need not be said what that something would be.

Logically, it is simple. Even if Misawa Hanei is ignorant about matters of things such as the finer points of sex, that does not change the fact that as a woman, she, like all women – or for that matter, like all men – have millions of generations of basic, primal instincts hardwired into them. Responses to certain stimuli.

...Certainly, someone teasing and rubbing sensitive, erogenous zones on the body would produce this effect, no matter who did it. If you rub a woman's body, her body will prepare for penetration, much as if you rub a man, he will become erect. It is why some rape victims feel shame and humiliation for their bodily responses – even though they are being raped, the vagina will moisten, the clitoris will stiffen, and even though their minds do not want the sex, their bodies know nothing but the stimulation... and so they react accordingly.

It would take quite an explanation if Hanei woke up and asked why I was–

"...Mmmh... harder... do that harder..." An oddly creepy smile crosses the face and lips of Misawa Hanei.

_**"G-GEH!"**_ I fall backwards immediately onto my own rear. Which, since I am in my school uniform, results in a light smacking noise as my otherwise bare flesh meets the floor.

I stare at her, feeling my heart race in my chest. Thankfully... _**VERY**_ thankfully... it seems she is still asleep. Before long, the light sounds of faint snoring resume.

I calm myself down. Close. _**TOO**_ close. Uncomfortably too close. Th, this is why I should not give in to such impulsive behavior! If Hanei had woken up, to feel me kissing her, to see me squeezing her chest, how would she have reacted?ǃ

"_Fufufu, maybe she would have pulled you in? ❤"_ Shut up, Kohaku! Get out of my head!

As I pick myself up from the floor and dust myself off, I check her over carefully, finding her to have settled back into deeper sleep. I sigh in relief at my dumb luck. I do not want to even imagine what would happen if her eyes had opened...

I quickly walk to the bathroom to clear my head completely, as I examine myself in the mirror, straightening my skirt and realigning my clothing. I am trembling slightly, and the red in my cheeks is nearly as deep as the red of my hair when I am in my... altered state.

...Why _**DID**_ I do that, anyway? It was such a bizarre, sudden, impulsive thing to do. That is not like me, at all... Friends do not just grope friends like that... and they certainly do not do it for sexual reasons…... Even if... even if I do like both males and females in that way, that certainly does not give me the right to grope Hanei. So why did I...?

...Because she is my friend?

...Because I desire her?

…...Who _**DO**_ I desire, for that matter? Is Hanei the one I desire? The one whom I think will make my days happier...?

A friend who was more than a friend to me on the day I was supposed to hate for the rest of my life, turning it into a day of new sensations, thoughts, and ideas about how I should live my life, all in a span of ten minutes. All through small, tiny bumps of flesh.

A dream so blissful that it felt like reality, or a reality so desired that it felt like a dream. Something so prized that it felt like elements of both, and yet, also neither at the same time.

A need for a new identity, enacted, leaving some of the old Tohno Akiha behind and a newer one in her place, like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis.

Unquestionably, the male I would want would still be Nii-san. Always, and forever. I do not see any other male having such a valued place in my life, or able to understand me like he could.

"But..."

But if it is a female... that is a much harder choice. It is surprising, really. I am so unsure of myself that even though I have names in my head... I could see myself being with all of them.

Even... even Hisui and Kohaku.

Kohaku has lots going for her. Her loyalty. Her ways of solving problems, while highly unorthodox, are undeniably effective. Kohaku is that type who enjoys throwing people for a loop. If last Sunday actually was real, and not a feverish dream... then she told Nii-san to have sex with me. If I were to wind up in a relationship with her... then it certainly would not be the last time that happens. Drawbacks... what Otou-sama did to her. What I did to her. She already has a partner whom I would desire just as much, if not more, than her. Such a situation would do nothing but cause strife, and the last thing I desire in my life is even _**MORE**_ strife.

Hisui is out for similar reasons. Although she does not have the horrors Otou-sama or myself inflicted upon her body, I cannot help but feel that there will always be a Master-Servant bond between us, and that Hisui would find it difficult and awkward to look upon me in any other way. Being a friend to her would be difficult enough, but a lover? It might be simply impossible. Though I sincerely wish for Hisui to find love, I doubt it would be with me... even though if it happened I would do all I can. But the personalities are simply far too ingrained... even though she can speak as freely as she wants, Tohno Akiha will always be "Akiha-sama" in some way...

...What about Yumizuka-san, then...? The girl's happiness is what is making me feel happiest, right now. Knowing that she feels... well, alive again, really, with how she is being treated and how she has the simple wish that she wanted. If last Sunday was real, then... she can clearly see me in that way... if it was a dream, though, that means I can see her in that way as well. I... possibly could see myself forming a relationship with her... and I did tell her most of my secrets and family history... and she would certainly be able to kill me if I irreversibly inverted, which is a plus... an always-important factor to consider, yes. No matter how human she feels, there is still a side of Tohno Akiha that wants to murder, to commit sudden violence, and a partner is going to need to understand that risk...

…...And then there is, for some odd reason, Len crossing my mind. A quiet, obedient girl. A familiar. A being of surprising power, in an unassuming form. A creature who, admittedly, could thrive on sex. But she is quiet, and very obedient, submissive, almost. She does take some free will, but ultimately, Nii-san is her master, not me. And I do know that cats are very jealous creatures, especially when the ones that they favor have their attention pulled away from them. Furthermore... well, she does still have, and always will have, the body of a child... and even though I could beat the rap, the legal implications of images or footage of such acts being shown would be a considerable legal headache.

...I sigh a bit, partially out of frustration, and partially because my body has decided to remind me that since I am in a bathroom, it has its needs.

Well, at least I can take care of both at once, I suppose.

I walk over to the toilet, pull down my underwear, lift up the hem of my skirt, and sit, allowing my body to relieve itself as I think.

...Souka naturally is like a yang to my yin. Outgoing, but not overly so. Self-assured. Confident. A bit cocky at times. Bold. She takes initiative. Well, she would have to. Who else would have done that to me? Not even Kohaku would have dared. Downsides... _**TOO**_ ambitious at times. Easily mistaken for a male, although that could be a blessing and a curse for my public relations – and my private ones, if I have her act masculine publicly at my request. Often has a "Act first, think later" sort of attitude. She would have to, to do what she did to me, as she was certainly risking other body parts of mine in her face, like my fists or feet.

Seo certainly has youth and energy, and a sizable talent that she could parlay into a career if she wanted to, and if not, she could certainly learn things from her father about making alcoholic drinks and end up taking over her family business... actually, that is fairly likely, since as far as I know, Seo has no other siblings. She is a very kind girl, and a bit shy most of the time unless she is very confident when she is talking about something, most often manga. Negatives... she tends not to use the right words at the right times. She is still a young girl, and acts like a child sometimes. I am unsure of her ability to commit to a serious relationship at this stage in her life. If she were a few years older, maybe...

Hanei, naturally, has her beauty and her charm going for her... and I suppose that if I got the courage to kiss and feel her up just now, that I do have some latent feelings for her. She is eloquent and elegant. Her physical beauty cannot be denied, either... the problem is, that with Hanei, there would be a lot of explaining, and ensuring she understood you and your intents clearly. She is not stupid, merely slow to catch on to something unless it is completely obvious. Once you explain things to her, she understands them as well as anyone else, and a smile from Misawa Hanei is one that most people would feel cheered up by. But... how could she ever begin to understand her dear Akiha-chan is not all that she thinks she is...?

...I sigh. I still have no idea who. It seems like they all have a reason to rule them out.

This is frustrating me. I am done with my bodily needs, so I carefully wipe my anatomy, flush the toilet, and stand up, heading towards the sink.

…...Only to find the floor rushing to meet my face. It is all I can do to try to turn my face so that the side of my head takes the impact. There is a rather sharp impact to my temple, and I see stars and white as I hit. I lose consciousness immediately after.

* * *

"...Mmmmmmmmmmh..."

My eyes open slowly. I am... in the Nurse's office.

"...What happened…...?" I ask, my voice sounding dazed and a bit muffled.

"...Oh, you're awake, huh?" The voice of the school nurse. She comes over to check on me, and I try to sit up... but immediately feel dizzy and a slight urge to vomit as pain goes through my head. I think better of my decision and lie back down for the moment.

"Easy there, Tohno-san. You took a pretty nasty bump on the head from what Misawa-san said." The nurse looks over me carefully.

"...I do not remember..." I lie to her. Telling her what I was thinking would be bad in a school like this. "I was in the bathroom, and..."

"And you fainted on the toilet, apparently. What were you doing to make you faint like that, though? You're not the type who would strike me as being prone to fainting..." She walks over and feels my head gently. I can feel the bandage wrapped around it now, and the ice pack that is resting against it, helping to keep the swelling down.

"Just... using the bathroom," I say as I wince slightly.

"Is that so? You sure you weren't doing... something else?" She asks with a slight, almost knowing smile.

"A... Are you suggesting I collapsed from...?ǃ " I ask incredulously.

"Well... it's perfectly normal for a girl... and you're not the first 'toilet case' that I've seen, after all. You think about a cute guy, and the next thing you know, you pass out... you can be honest with me. Don't worry." She smiles reassuringly.

...Well, she is half-right. I was thinking about someone... but it is kind of hard to tell her that it began by feeling up your roommate... and I definitely did not masturbate to thoughts of any of them. Th, that is just sick. I would never do that... and even if I did, I would never dare to do that at school, of all places...!

"N-No, really. I felt fine until that happened... Sorry." I nod my head slightly, since lifting my body up to bow right now would be a bad idea.

"Heh... well, okay then," she says, with a slight look that she does not fully believe my denials. "You took a pretty nasty bump on the head, so if you feel well enough, you can go home for today. Misawa-san got your homework for you." She motions over to a small table. In the chair is my bag, and next to it is a small stack of papers for homework.

"...Thank you," I say. "Please be sure to tell her thank you for me as well. I apologize for all of the extra work."

"No problem," she says with a smile. "We called your home, so your driver is waiting outside whenever you are ready."

"...Thank you again," I say with a slight blush. It... feels slightly embarrassing to have so many people doing things for me. I am not used to having anyone but Hisui or Kohaku doing things at my request.

But then again... I am not exactly in a condition to be doing these things on my own. Even sitting up made me feel dizzy and slightly ill. It is probably best that I just swallow my pride and allow them to help out as they see fit to do.

...How stupid of me. To forget, of all things, to pull up my underwear after I was done using the bathroom. Such a simple action, it should be more or less automatic by now. I am not a child. But I had gotten so wrapped up in thinking my thoughts that it had completely slipped my mind. Truth be told... I am not even sure of just what sort of needs my body had at that time, just that it did. I know I felt voiding, but I cannot even remember what kind of voiding it was.

...And, obviously, I am here... so... someone must have came into that bathroom and saw me, in that condition, and...

…...I blush furiously as my mind pictures Misawa Hanei walking into the bathroom and seeing me laying on the floor, unconscious, with my skirt moved from the fall so my rear and genitalia are easily visible with a look.

...Would she call for help first? Or... would she look? This is the thought my mind refuses to let go.

The realistic side of Tohno Akiha knows Hanei would call for help, after making me a little more respectful, of course. She would certainly never drag me outside with my underwear around my thighs.

...The newly-emerging side of Tohno Akiha that knows she can love women as well as men, though, almost _**WANTS**_ her to have taken a look... or a feel... or a smell, or a taste, or–

I feel the blood beginning to drain down my throat. As I am laying back, I am avoiding a nosebleed, but there is no doubt the thought of Misawa Hanei seeing my most private places has excited my blood for reasons I do not understand. The tips of my hair are turning red.

The thought of Misawa Hanei, doing more than looking. Of curiosity getting a hold of the girl, as it had me. Of having never seen that place on Akiha-chan before, because I always made sure I showered and changed in private, too ashamed of my own body to allow anyone to even think about seeing its nude form. Of commenting how even though they are different than hers are... that they are no less cute, because my body is made to be small, and small can be appealing if done right, as Souka had said...

…...And yet, the idea of Hanei seeing those places... is exciting me, just a little. I can feel a dull heat in my stomach – my body's attempt to signal to me that it has carnal needs that it wants to be attended to.

Worse... the thought of Hanei doing more than seeing... of kissing, of licking, of... fingering, as Souka had... I can actually feel parts of my body arousing in response. Almost as if to say I should go, and seek Hanei out, and ask her to do that...

…...No. No, no, no, no, a thousand times no! Misawa Hanei is not someone whose purity I will corrupt with my body's attempts to be greedy and selfish! If humanity's biological urge were to sleep and have sex with every person we have ever liked, we would not be able to realistically function as a species. There is a reason why sexual partners are chosen with discretion...

...Furthermore, school is not the place for doing that. If... If I were at home, maybe... perhaps... but not here... not now...

I lay back and focus on my breathing for a little while, and slowly sit up. The slow pace of sitting upright does not irritate my equilibrium as much as sitting up at a normal pace would have. I still feel a little dizzy, but sitting up slower allowed the blood pressure in my body to adjust more adequately, and as a result, I do not feel the urge to throw up. The nosebleed may also have had a factor in this... a little bloodletting increases adrenaline production, after all, and adrenaline can heighten the body's responses.

I carefully get to my feet, and walk over slightly unsteadily to my bag. I can feel the residual effects from fainting. It is fairly likely I have a slight concussion. It is nothing I have not experienced before, fighting my enemies. Thankfully, I am not in a battle of life and death while having to deal with this, and as far as concussions go, this is certainly not the worst one I have ever had. I will be able to deal with this, fairly easily.

I collect my bag, and put the paperwork inside. With another saying of thanks and a very slight bow, to which the nurse nods and smiles understandably, I walk outside towards my driver.

* * *

These things... Why am I thinking of these things?  
More importantly... why was I actually touching Hanei earlier...?  
That... that goes beyond the bounds of friendship... right? Right...?

* * *

Next Week (5/15/11) – Chapter 50: "Two Unexpected Gifts"


	51. Two Unexpected Gifts

Chapter 50: "Two Unexpected Gifts"

* * *

"Akiha-sama?ǃ " The worried voice of Hisui rings out as I enter the mansion. No doubt she can see the bandages and ice pack that are wrapped around its circumference.

"I am fine, Hisui, do not worry," I reassure her. "I merely fainted and must have hit my head on the way down. I have a slight concussion as well, I think..."

"C... Concussion?ǃ " Hisui seems a little horrified.

"Well, of course... if a person strikes their head like that, a concussion is, usually, the unfortunate result," I remind her. "Besides... it is not the first one I have had, and certainly will not be the last one..."

...That is true. To protect this city – **MY** city – I have had to come home with injuries before... ranging from merely annoying, to life-threatening. It was not an easy thing to have to subject Hisui through, even it if were by proxy...

…...But the simple fact of the matter is that Kohaku is not here as much as she formerly was. She does come earlier on emergencies, but for most injuries, Hisui provides palliative care until Kohaku arrives on the weekend, and stabilizes my condition more thoroughly. If I am conscious, I can help her through some of it... although things that Hisui gets more squeamish about, I will just do myself if I can. Things such as re-socketing bones, as the crunch of such an act would no doubt make Hisui faint.

"...Please go rest in your room, Akiha-sama," Hisui announces with a worried, but firm, tone and expression. "I will take your bag and prepare something for you, so please rest."

...Normally Hisui would not be so forthright. But I am not exactly in a condition to really argue with her at this point in time. As much as I do not like to admit it, I am still feeling fairly dizzy and a bit disoriented.

"...Thank you, Hisui," I say, as I give her my bag, and hold on to the railing as I head upstairs to my room carefully. Step by step, with feet that are somewhat unsure and legs that feel as if they cannot hold their usual amount of weight.

…...Is 45 kilograms really that much to ask of them? I am not fat at all, so it should be no problem...

Truly, the human body is an incredible machine. It is able to maintain a balance that those in advanced medical fields call "homeostasis." And yet, it is also surprisingly fragile – the right kind of injury can throw all of those mechanisms off until it is able to recover.

...Even if the body is in a life or death situation.

Adrenaline and Endorphins will be its response, attempting to kill the pain and disorientation until it reaches a time when it can safely recover. And it may... or it may not. Once a human is knocked unconscious, they are able to be killed without resistance. Or if they are too dazed to intelligently defend, it is nearly as easy.

I could solve this by inverting... but inversion is not something I like to do, for many reasons. It brings me closer to the darkness, to the madness that is inherent in my soul. To being the me that I do not want to be. Such absolute power corrupts absolutely, and so I will use it only as I must... and no more.

If I do it too much, I run the risk of being less human and more demon. And although Tohno Akiha is damned to this dual existence by fate... I cannot let it rule my life. I will conquer it! I will not fail as Otou-sama or "he" had. Otou-sama said my blood was of the weaker kind... still absolutely powerful to a normal human, but not on the level that should turn me into the Crimson Red Vermilion...

…...Not unless I want it to. And I do not.

Therefore... it is probably best if I just rest for the rest of the day. The work I have can wait until later.

I enter my room, taking careful, slower steps when I cannot support my weight against anything but my muscles' trained responses to gravity. Walking over to my bed, I crawl carefully into it, rest the uninjured side of my head on my pillow, and close my eyes, drifting off into dreamless sleep.

* * *

I awaken a few hours later, feeling my head carefully as I sit up slowly. It seems the dizziness has rescinded itself somewhat. I do, however, hiss slightly as I feel the pain and a small bump on my forehead.

"...Great," I murmur to myself. My injured state will no doubt be visible to anyone who takes even a cursory look at my head.

The door opens, and a slightly worried-looking Yumizuka-san comes in. It seems my utterance has been heard by her.

"...Yumizuka-san?" I am surprised she is awake. A look outside the window reveals it is still light out, so why is she...?

"Akiha-san, is everything okay?" She walks over, looking at me, and carefully inspecting my head. "Mmm... she wasn't kidding about the bump. Jeez, Akiha-san. You're lucky you didn't fracture your skull..." A small frown crosses the face of this girl.

She is probably correct on that. I might be stronger than normal humans, but I can die of blood loss just as easily as any of them. I do still need it to live, after all.

...But that pout is not something that should be on a face such as hers. Yumizuka-san is simply not the type who one would want to see frowning. In fact... I try my best to remove the frown from her face as quickly as possible.

"It was only a short distance, so nothing to worry about, Yumizuka-san," I tell her, in order to try and dismiss this whole affair. "Besides, it was my own fault. I was not paying attention to what I was doing, so it is my own fault that I had an accident."

"...Well, obviously you're not going to tell me you purposely slammed your head on the ground, are you Akiha-san? That'd be kind of silly." Yumizuka-san doesn't seem surprised by this, somehow.

"No," I say with a sigh and brush my hair over my shoulder a bit as I look away. "I was using the bathroom, and began thinking about things, and I forgot to pull my underwear back up... so when I stood up and tried to walk, they kept my legs in place, and I stumbled and fell."

...It is embarrassing to mention. But at this point... what point would there be in hiding such things from Yumizuka-san? There is no reason to. The girl is not going to tell anyone. And... she is family now, I feel, and a family cannot keep secrets from those inside of it. To do so is pointless.

It does not, however, help that Yumizuka-san giggles a bit when I say it.

"It is **NOT** funny, Yumizuka-san! This is no laughing matter!" I cross my arms and glare at her, a little angrily.

"N-No, it's not, sorry," she says, trying to stifle her giggles. "I just can't help it." She exhales sharply, having regained her composure. "Well then... what were you thinking about to make you forget about something like that? Usually you're so composed, Akiha-san, so thinking about something so heavily that it'd make you forget something like that must be something pretty serious."

I sigh and look away. "I do not know if you would understand, Yumizuka-san."

"Understand what? I don't know if you won't tell me." Her face turns into an expression of questioning.

...She has a point. How can she understand if I do not tell her? That would be like telling someone "You will never know something" because you are unwilling to teach them what they want to know.

Furthermore... Yumizuka-san was one of the people who I was thinking about at the time... it, it does mean I have a slight interest in her, I suppose... but I do not know how she would react, honestly, to such a revelation. She... does not seem to be the type who would be promiscuous. No. She is the sort of girl who kept her romantic and sexual fantasies to herself.

I know the main focus of them was Nii-san. That goes without saying. But... what of others...?

"...Could you ever see yourself loving someone else other than Nii-san?" I ask her.

"...Somebody else?" She blinks a bit.

"Yes. Somebody else. Especially if they are... well, of your gender."

"...Other girls?" She blinks again, and swallows a bit nervously in reflex.

…...Damn it. I knew this would not work. I should not have bothered.

"...I did not think so," I say with a sigh. "Forget it, Yumizuka-san. It is something I wi–"

"N-No, it's not that, Akiha-san!" She quickly announces. "It's just... well, I never really tried, so I don't know. I guess if I did, I'd find out though."

"_...What, and touching and feeling me does not count?"_

…...That is what I _**WANT**_ to say, anyway... but saying that... might make me learn that it was just an arousing dream and make life very awkward for myself and Yumizuka-san and Nii-san, so I bite my tongue to prevent it from coming out until I regain full control of my mind – and my tongue.

"Well then? Do you ever see yourself as being able to?" I look at Yumizuka-san.

"...Well, considering that I spent a year completely alone and by myself... I'd probably just care more about someone wanting to make me feel happy more than their gender..." Yumizuka-san speaks thoughtfully. "I'd have to know about them really well, though, and be sure that's what I want to do, but I guess if I felt that strongly about someone, boy or girl, I'd care more about being happy than whatever sex they were."

…...Unusual wisdom indeed, Yumizuka-san. Becoming a Dead Apostle seems to be like being given an injection of philosophy.

"...That is my problem. I am not sure if that is what I want." I lay back in my bed with a sigh. "I still love Nii-san, but over the last few days, I have been thinking of what other alternatives I should pursue in case I cannot have him, for some reason or another..."

"...So you're thinking about being a lesbian, Akiha-san? Is that it?" Yumizuka-san boldly asks.

"No!" I quickly reply. "I like both, I am bisexual!" It comes out quickly, without me realizing it. I quickly blush when I do. "Ah, I-I mean... I, I am considering such things, I do not like both at this time!"

Yumizuka-san giggles. "No, it's okay. That's the truth if it came out so freely. But obviously, you're used to loving Tohno-kun, not another girl... so if you're thinking about girls you could love, I could see why you're having difficulty."

I sigh. She does understand me, then... perhaps even better than I had thought she would. On one hand, it is a relief... on the other, this might change her perception of me.

"You just want someone you feel strongly about, isn't that right, Akiha-san?"

Unfortunately, silence meets her.

In a way, I feel almost like admitting such a thing would be some kind of gross violation of Yumizuka-san's innocence. It is strange. This girl is a Dead Apostle, one who is no longer human or even technically alive – it is more of an "unlife." She knows a lot about me, and presumably about Nii-san now, as well. There are few remaining secrets that the vampire, Yumizuka Satsuki, does not know.

...So why am I so fearful of just admitting that it is the honest truth? That I am considering this?

…...No, I do not think it is that I am uncomfortable in admitting this... alternative lifestyle, I think the main problem is... I have seen her potentially in this role as well...

"...Uh…... it's... not me, is it, Akiha-san?" Her eyes appear to have been reading my face, and my expression.

"...You?" I say in a slightly dry voice. My expression must have betrayed my thoughts...

We both blush.

Truth be told... I had forgotten about Yumizuka-san, somehow, for awhile. But yet... she was there in my dream... if it was a dream.

And I cannot say in good conscience that I have no feelings for Yumizuka Satsuki. She is a Dead Apostle indirectly because of me. I blamed myself for this, so I decided to take her in, in some attempt to restore as normal a life as possible to her.

...And then when I began having my nightmares, my stress, wanting to get away from it all, who was there...? Yumizuka-san. Who accompanied me on my walks? Yumizuka-san. Who did I wind up speaking so easily about the dark, evil side of Tohno Akiha with?

…...Yumizuka-san.

An emotional gumshoe, I had called her. It may indeed be a fitting epithet. The humanity has yet to be driven from this girl. A girl who, if she knew you, sounds like she would help you if she could at all.

And now... she can help quite a bit. Indeed... I would say that if Yumizuka Satsuki gets her requisite amount of blood, and contact with people... she may never lose that sense of humanity, of empathy for others.

Of course... some day, we will all die. Kohaku. Hisui. Nii-san. Myself. The only ones who will not die of age is Yumizuka-san and Len, so I suppose that once our times come, they will be forced to finally set out... well, unless I happen to have an heir or adopt one... but this is so far in the future that it is not something to really concern myself with right now. I am only seventeen, and physically fit. It is too soon to be thinking about death, for the most part. If death comes this soon, it will be in combat... and unlikely to be of some natural cause.

After all... am I not an unnatural being?

"...I don't know," I say. "There are... several people I am thinking about... including you, Yumizuka-san, but I am not sure if you are the one for me."

"You... really mean that, Akiha-san...?" An expression of surprise crosses Yumizuka-san's face.

Our blushes both deepen.

…...That is not a very easy thing to digest, mentally or psychologically. As people, we all know some people have feelings for us, even though we may not realize it ourselves. And oftentimes, if feelings for another are deeply rooted enough... one can love without even realizing that they have done so, and by the time they do, they love the other person so much that it is hopeless...

"…...I would not mind if it were, Akiha-san."

...And this sudden announcement jars me completely out of my thought.

"...Yumizuka-san...?" I blink, and look up at her.

It is just in time to be a helpless observer as she wraps her arms around me with frightening speed, and presses her lips to mine.

A sudden, impulsive, but pure and honest kiss.

My eyes widen a bit in surprise... especially when I find myself pressing back against them with my own without even willing myself doing so.

Yumizuka-san's lips... they are very soft, and taste faintly of blood.

Before I realize what I am doing, I find myself licking them. She looks down at me as I do so, and when our eyes meet, we both realize what we are doing and quickly separate.

"…...S-Sorry..." She quickly bows and hastily exits my bedroom.

"…...Yeah..." is all I can reply, long after Yumizuka-san has gone.

* * *

Am... Am I really that attracted to her? Do I want this that badly?

...Does she want me that badly?

"...She... likes me too?" I ask the evening air.

Souka found things to like about me... has Yumizuka-san done the same?

…...That is a silly question. Of course she has reason to like me.

I took her away from a life of hell and killing, of having to drink blood from drunken, homeless people, and gave her a chance at something resembling the life she knew. The life she craved.

...The life I saved.

These alone would be a great reason for me to like anyone, had they did for me what I have done for her.

The answer is simple. I have fallen for Yumizuka-san and consider her in that "group" because of the simple fact that I sought to bring some sense of normalcy to her life once more. In kind, she has come to depend on me, trust in me, and I have earned her loyalty.

Therefore... a relationship is fully possible between us, for strong feelings are attached to the other.

For me, a desire to give her something of a normal life. Acceptance. Company. Make her feel human.

For her, access to the one she cherishes. Safety. Shelter. Companionship. Necessary blood.

…...It is stupidly obvious, when one thinks about it. The shock of that does not wear off, however, even long after Yumizuka-san is gone. The fact that not only did she predict she would be among that number... but also that she gave a logical, reasonable, and even rational explanation as to why I might feel the way I do.

The simple fact is that Yumizuka Satsuki developed her feelings for me because I had saved her from a damnation of a life, as a lonely vampire to wander the streets and eventually bitterly curse humanity.

Then, I only need to look at the parallels in my life.

For someone, saved mine. Nine years ago. With cicadas chirping on a hazy summer day.

...And what would I do for this person?

Anything. Anything at all.

I would give my all for them. I would fight for them. I would kill for them. I would die for them.

…...I would give my body to them.

Then, it is no wonder why Yumizuka-san kissed me.

Then... she would lay with either "Tohno-kun"... or "Akiha-san", if either of us wanted it...

…...Because to her, we are the things she desired. Admired.

Nii-san, the boy whose simple ways had stolen her heart. The mere act of rescuing a stranger caused feelings, strong feelings, to swell up in her breast.

And the girl Yumizuka Satsuki fell in love with the boy named Tohno Shiki.

Five years later, that name was dead to everyone she had known and loved. Even Nii-san thought she was no more.

…...Even the person who was named that was beginning to forget it, herself.

A chance meeting, brought about by the fact that I had smelled of Nii-san due to his presence near me. A smell that she would be very familiar with. Attempting to appear threatening, only to clutch her stomach and vomit up the blood she had drank from the poisons in it, thus resulting in detente and a sharing of histories, leading to a position of willing servitude in exchange for something like that life back.

...And the girl Yumizuka Satsuki fell in love with the girl named Tohno Akiha.

…...I blush at the memory that comes racing back. Of her feeling me, and licking me, and saying those things by my ear as Nii-san and I...

...A throb under my skirt. In my underwear. My body is getting aroused... but once again, I have nobody to take care of that.

"...Damn it... you are really annoying, you know that...?"

Its only reply is a weak throb. A plea for someone to do something to it.

I sigh, and get up to go to the bathroom. Perhaps if I can trick my body into voiding, it will go away...

I walk inside. As I am the only one here, I run no risk of anyone coming in, so I simply remove my underwear entirely, lifting the skirt of my sailor uniform as I sit down on the toilet. I will _**NOT**_ make that mistake twice in one day. I do not desire matching lumps on both sides of my head, and I do not particularly think that Hisui would like to have to see that sort of sight, either.

I sit, and wait, hoping for something. Anything.

"…...…...…...…...Come on!"

…...But nothing comes out. The throbbing, and the desire for stimulation, remains.

I give up after a minute or two. Discontentedly, as a purely reflexive habit, I fold some toiletpaper and wipe my anatomy.

But I did it in such frustration, that not only did I wipe the parts that are supposed to be wiped, but I wiped something... more.

My eyes widen at the sensation initially, but before long I cannot help but close my eyes at the feeling of pleasure that begins to course through my body. That maddening, addictive sensation, just like when Souka did it.

Only this time, it is so much more focused and so much more intense... just from touching there, I'm getting that feeling again...

...I blush in embarrassment, and the folded toiletpaper falls from my fingers. As if it were purely automatic and normal behavior, the fingers that had been holding the paper wad now seek out and find that part that was not supposed to be wiped.

…...The part that, as a response to the rub of the paper, has swollen and engorged with blood.

The part that quivers and throbs only harder as the fingers find their mark, and begin to carefully touch. Working as if they had a mind of their own. Feeling around. Circling. Trying to find just what it likes.

"...Hm... aah..." Small, appreciatory gasps emit from my throat and my lungs.

…...And all I can do is look down, half-embarrassed, and increasingly aroused, as I watch my fingers as they conspire with my body. To make up for the lack of stimulation...

Slowly, they get into a motion. Small, circular movements. Parting sensitive flesh, indulging in the maddening desire to be touched there.

Slowly, my body responds to what is happening to it. Thoughts of stopping progressively flee my brain. My weight settles back more fully against the seat. Legs part to accommodate easier rubbing. The top of my uniform gains what look like two eraser-tips sticking up through it, as the nipples of my breasts harden just as that small bump between my legs has done.

My body finally wins out over my mind, and eventually I simply close my eyes and listen to my panting, as if it were some kind of primal rhythm, for the three or four minutes that my body takes in order to please itself.

My toes curl and I hear a weak cry emit from my throat as, sure enough, fluids end up leaving my body... but not the fluids I was expecting. My right hand clutches my knee, to keep myself from toppling over.

My left... is feeling the muscles between my legs quiver and convulse as the necessary relief ravishes the whole of it.

I pant deeply on the seat of the toilet. The sensation has gone from pleasure to pain, and I lift my body higher up so that it stops.

It flushes as I leave it, but that is not what my mind is focused on. This condition... the condition of a post-orgasmic state... it has drained my strength and my mind. All I want now is my bed...

I manage to keep conscious long enough to walk with shaking legs over to it. Not even caring that I am going to bed without my underwear, I crawl into it. Within moments, sleep overtakes me once more.

* * *

…

* * *

Next Week (5/22/11) – Chapter 51: "Sweet Dreams are Made of This"


	52. Sweet Dreams are Made of This

Chapter 51: "Sweet Dreams are Made of This"

* * *

"Hey, Akiha. Do you think I look good in this?"

Yumizuka Satsuki spins around in a full-length red dress, similar to the ones I tend to wear, save for it being a little bit shorter. It goes down to just over her knees.

"Very pretty," I reply with a smile. "You look as gorgeous as the day you proposed to me."

She giggles cutely. "Thanks," she says, giving me a full kiss, along with a playful nip, on my lips.

Satsuki and I decided a year ago we would marry. The more we knew about the other, the closer we got, and before long, we decided that we were inseparable, much to Nii-san's chagrin. Although, in due time, he came to understand the reasons behind it.

It all really got started on that day that I hit my head in my dorm room at school. Where she looked me over worriedly and ended it with a kiss. A kiss I responded to. A kiss we both secretly desired, savored, and enjoyed.

In the end, it had turned out that my dream, of me having sex with Nii-san and Satsuki, was just that - a dream. She was quite embarrassed and surprised when I mentioned it, as was I... but she assured me I did not need Nii-san.

That night, she proved it - making me clutch her head in my hands and choke out her name as she delivered ravish upon ravish to my body, and even then, I found myself awakening still aroused and desiring more.

Desiring her.

"...You're thinking naughty things again," she says with a smirk.

"...I am not..." I try to lie my way out of it.

"C'mon. I know when you're lying by now. It's been five years, you know," she says with a laugh which shows her fangs. Satsuki has not aged a bit, but I have a little.

"...I, Is it that obvious...?" I state, blushing.

"Nah. Nobody else would know. But me..." She walks up, and quickly takes one of my hands under her dress, making me rub her bare rear. Satsuki does not wear underwear with that dress. "Me... I know very well when Akiha-sama wants some relief... and she could go for it now..." She moves my hand.

I blush a little as she guides my finger towards her crotch, feeling the gentle warmth and moisture, as her own body is turned on by the thought of her lover touching her there.

Shamelessly. Greedily.

Having long ago shed any of its inhibitions, any thought of "position."

Not caring that she is still technically my servant, though I do not treat her as one anymore. She has not been for some time.

All that it cares about is that it is from someone she loves. Someone she desires.

"What do you say, then? In the mood for a little bit of fun? You've had a long week, after all... and it's always the best when you've gone without for a few days..." She grins.

I blush, slightly timidly. I know that it is ultimately useless to fight this... especially since I can feel my own body gearing up for the activity. It wants it too. An almost weekly stress-relief ritual... like an automatic clock, it knows when to activate.

Satsuki gets no answer, but to her, no answer is needed. She can tell what my body wants, just as much as I can tell what hers wants...

"Then let's go, love... you know just where to make those fingers rub and where to put them..." Her grin widens like she had caught her prize, exposing small vampiric fangs, and I am practically dragged off.

It is going to be a long and exhausting night... but it will be worth every moment.

* * *

"It's a lovely day today, isn't it, Akiha-sama?"

"Yes, Kohaku. A fine early spring day."

Kohaku smiles warmly at my reply. It may be strange to say this, but... well, we are a bit more than master and servant now.

No, our relationship has transcended that boundary. We have become... well, romantic partners, to put it politely.

It all began when I realized that what Kohaku was doing was acting in my own best interests. That, simply put, she refused to just stand there and watch me endure the sort of life she had... one where she felt, for the most part, alone, isolated, and without any sort of thing to actually look forward to at all... merely hopes, dreams.

When I confronted her about this, she simply asked "What if it were true, Akiha-sama?" I began to reply something about how it was not Kohaku's business to worry about that, only to be silenced by a finger pressing to my lips... and then before long, her lips were pressing on my neck, on my throat, slowly working my body into a heated, excited state.

I really do not know why I did not stop her, but I know I was not terribly surprised when she began to pull clothing off of me. I do know that thoughts of stopping her were the furthest things from my mind when she began to... well, give me a "massage" that was, in so many words, very personal and intimate.

And so began an unofficial marriage... to one who is legally my servant, but privately, far more than that.

I shake my head at these nostalgic memories.

"Hm? Something wrong, Akiha-sama?" Kohaku asks.

"...No, nothing," I reply. "It is just that sometimes, I remember how this all started, and sometimes it seems like some crazy dream that I will never wake up from."

"When dreams become reality, they're often indistinguishable, aren't they?" Kohaku replies with a small, catlike smile. "That's because you have everything you finally want, and so there is no point in believing it is a dream anymore."

"…...I suppose you have a point," I concede.

"...And yet, when you get that look in your eyes, it's often a dreamy one." The smile widens.

…...Well, I cannot argue that, either.

It is certainly not something I planned, to eventually have Kohaku as my partner. Then again... it makes perfect sense when one looks at it from outside the box.

Kohaku knows every single secret of mine. There is no reason to hide them from her; there has not been for almost fifteen years now. She knows it all... and she accepts it all.

...And yet, she continues dutifully. Sweeping, gardening, and helping Hisui, who has settled into a happy life with Nii-san in Fuyuki.

It was strange to see her so willingly give up Nii-san for her sister's happiness. But all things considered...

…...Is that not what Kohaku has done all her life? Pull the strings from behind the scenes, doing things as she feels are necessary to stir up the correct feelings, and then once the revelation comes in, moving more towards true goals?

"Fufufu... you look like you're thinking about us again, Akiha-sama." Kohaku's words break my thoughts.

"...No, it is not that, I–"

"You can't hide it from me. I can tell what you want. And right now..." She bends down. "...You're wanting 'that,' aren't you?"

...That... by that, she means...

I feel my cheeks flush.

"But don't worry, Akiha-sama. I, your faithful servant, am more than happy to serve my mistress' needs... fufufu..."

Slowly, her fingers walk their way up my shin, then my thigh, inching closer and closer...

* * *

I feel a slight tickling on my stomach. My eyes flutter open.

The half-clothed form on Hanei Misawa is kissing me on my stomach. She looks up when she feels movement.

"Good morning, Akiha-chan! Did you sleep well?" Another kiss.

"...I slept quite well, Hanepin," I say as I smile.

It was a long road, and a bit difficult at first, but in the end, I decided Hanei was the one for me. She was, understandably, quite surprised when I confessed my feelings about her... and I was even more surprised when she accepted, even though she had never had a serious relationship in her life up to that point.

So, needless to say, when she finally felt comfortable with me taking our relationship to that next level, I made sure it was a night she would not forget. Thanks to a few prior helpful lessons from Souka, I had Hanei pulling on my hair and bucking her hips into my face, screaming my name as I brought her a pleasure she had never experienced even as she passed out from it.

Needless to say, by morning, she proposed to marry me almost on the spot. And so we did, because Hanei is who I wanted.

I pull her up towards me and embrace her, hugging her close and kissing her cheeks and neck. She sighs happily, dreamily almost, like this were a dream she never wanted to wake up from. Her large breasts push slightly against my stomach as she lays her head on one of my breasts, nuzzling her cheek into it and giving a moan of content from deep in her throat. Her arms tense slightly, squeezing my frame between them and into her slightly.

I stroke and run my hands through her long, brown hair. She presses into me slightly more.

"It is nice to wake up next to you, Hanei," I tell her.

"Yeah, it's nice to wake up next to you too, Akiha-chan." She smiles and kisses my neck, and then my throat, making me shiver slightly and my heart thump.

...The only problem with Hanei, really, is that ever since I... well, introduced her to the joys of her body... the girl has made no secret that her body has needs. Quite a bit of them, in fact. It seems like years of ignorance have bottled up plenty of hormones, and now that they have an outlet, they are built up.

...There have been many exhausting weekends, filled with virtually nothing but, as Souka would put it, "The Four S's – Shower, Shit, Sex, Sleep." I would be lying if I said I did not like these at some levels, but there are times when I remember Hanei's simpler, almost childish innocence, and it creates conflict, because this is the person I am being sexual with...

…...Especially when it is Hanei who is the one that is being sexual. Such as now.

I still cannot quite fully see her that way, even though to her it just seems like something normal. I bring her pleasure, and she brings me pleasure... so what is the problem?

Misawa Hanei cannot quite see things in the way I do. She does not see the old Hanei anymore. She just knows that "Akiha-chan" brings her happiness, and so that is what she wants the most.

I suppose I cannot blame her. Happiness is, I feel, a fundamental right. Some countries in the world are built guaranteeing people the freedom to pursue happiness.

...And happiness is something I wanted, too. I just did not think it would be like this...

The kiss soon turns into a sucking. I feel my eyes close, and a throaty moan comes out from my body.

"You like that a lot, Akiha-chan." She giggles and sucks harder with her lips, teasing my body and setting it afire, making it gasp with growing pleasure.

It is all I can do to pant helplessly, my head turning from side to side, as the love of my life worships my body. Giving me a few precious moments from all my worries and troubles...

"Just lay back, Akiha-chan. Hanepin will take care of it all."

...I blush as with a final kiss on my neck, she begins to kiss down to my chest, pulling down on my bra...

* * *

"Seo, I am home!" I shut the door behind me as I set down my purse.

After a few moments, she steps out from the kitchen, in an apron. "Welcome home, Senpai. How was your day?" She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek with a smile.

"Long and dull, as usual," I sigh as I take off my heels. "Thankfully, I am done there until next Monday."

"That's great, Senpai," Seo says with a smile. "Dinner will be ready in a sec, so just sit tight, okay?" She walks back to the kitchen. I cannot help but glance at her small but cute rear as it naturally gives a very soft wiggle as she walks off.

Strangely enough, despite all of the things I had thought would not make things work, I wound up confessing my love to Seo. It is hard to say who was more shocked, myself or her. And admittedly, she did seem nervous at first, but I promised her I would do my best to make it work, and she agreed after her father gave his blessing, much to my surprise.

It was a little awkward at first, but before long, we grew comfortable in each other's presence, and after only a little while, we were as one.

Despite being a happy couple, we still insist on calling each other "Seo" in my case and "Senpai" in hers. Some would not understand that, but it is not their life or their concern, it is ours. And as long as Seo is happy with it, then so am I.

Stranger relationships can be had, to be sure.

I plant my feet down on the ground, and feel more of my foot come into contact with it. After being on essentially the front half of my feet all day, it feels good to rest some of my weight on the heels of my feet.

After a few minutes just to stretch my feet and loosen them up, I walk to the dining room table. It has been here for years, but only two seats are ever used on a regular basis - mine, and hers. I put my blazer on the back of my chair and sit.

Seo comes back with dinner, and I immediately blush at what it is.

It is... a normal high school lunch. None but us would understand the significance here, either.

"...It looks delicious, Seo."

She smiles. "I'm glad, Senpai. Please, eat your fill."

"Is that not my line?" I say with a slight smile.

"Maaaaaaaybe. But I decided to take some liberties today." She smiles happily.

She sits down next to me, and rests her head on my shoulder. I run my hand through her soft purple hair that smells faintly of lilac.

I take one of the sandwich halves. "Well then... Itadakimasu." I smile.

"Itadakimasu, Senpai," she replies, her hand lightly supporting the other half of the sandwich.

Together, we take bites from the opposite ends of the sandwich until our lips meet and press.

* * *

"Akiha-sama? Shall I prepare the bath?"

"...Yes, thank you, Hisui. It has been a long day, so I suppose a bath would be a wise idea right now."

"Yes. Then I shall make it at once, Akiha-sama." With a smile and a bow, Hisui excuses herself, heading off towards the bathroom.

It has been a strange little twist of fate, to be honest. After Kohaku and Nii-san moved out together, it was to my surprise that Hisui decided she would stay behind to help me. She stated that if she left, I would be left alone and relatively helpless... and I admit, it would not have been incorrect.

She seems to have taken to the task rather well. Kohaku gave her a solid six months of daily cooking lessons before she left. I was, needless to say, very surprised when I learned that, one day, the delicious meal I had eaten had not been prepared by Kohaku, but by Hisui.

My praise that night made her both beam and blush with pride.

After this, we actually settled in surprisingly comfortably. The house was big with just two people, but both Nii-san and Kohaku visit, and it tends to be every other weekend. They know that, if need be, this is home for them as much as it is for us.

To make things easier on Hisui, her duties alternate every day. One day is dedicated to external cleaning tasks, and then the next to the things inside the house that require attention. It is, perhaps, not the most elegant system in the world, but it certainly works.

Of course, there are some things cleaned daily out of a manner of necessity. The kitchen, and its accompaniment of plates, bowls, pots, and pans. The toiletries must, of course, be maintained. And then...

…...There are the baths.

After all, good feminine hygiene requires a daily bath. There is simply no exceptions to this rule. A woman can never feel comfortable in her own skin if she has not bathed that day.

I gather my clean clothing for the night, and head towards the bathroom. As I approach the bathroom, the sound of water splashing into itself and the faint smell of cactus-scented bath oils fill the air.

I walk into the bathroom, closing the door with my foot, and begin to undress. My dress comes off, followed by my top, then my hairband, my bra, and finally, my underwear. Pushing them to the corner for now, I turn towards the tub.

"Ah. I see you are ready, Akiha-sama."

…...Only to find Hisui, herself, is in the tub and waiting. Just as nude.

I blush horribly. If... if Hisui is in the bath as well, then... that means a certain thing is on her mind.

A certain thing that starts in the tub... and carries on to the bedroom.

"...Well? Come on, Akiha-sama. The water is hot..." A slight smile spreads on her lips.

I sigh, resigned to my fate. As I approach the tub, I feel my body getting hotter already, and I can see that Hisui's jade eyes are fixated on my chest...

* * *

"Souka? Were you not going to the concert today?" I blink and look at my wife.

"Eh... I can always get a concert on DVD. Can't buy time with you, though." She smiles as she walks over to me.

"I suppose not," I say with a smile in kind. "Well then, I am here for you, you know that."

"Of course, Tohno," she says as she picks me up and holds me in her arms. I give a slight eep and blush as I am held by her. "You've always been there. You're always gonna be. Nothing ain't gonna change there."

Naturally, Souka wound up being the one I loved. How could I not? She was my first... and she spoiled me rotten. Nobody else could match up to her, really. Nobody could make me feel quite the same way she did, both inside and out. I learned that everyone's first sexual partner often becomes a person's sexual baseline, the one that they will compare any and all potential lovers to subconsciously.

They had no chance, versus Souka.

How could they, ultimately? The only person who was willing to fully accept me for who I was, in the end, was Souka. It is only natural that she be the one who finally won my heart, through dogged determination and stubbornly refusing to quit.

Although... tonight will not be a night that I can so easily just allow myself to be held in her arms – or have parts of me held apart by them, as her whims are sometimes directed to do. Because tonight...

…...I have "business" to take care of. And by "business," I mean "someone is threatening my city."

Obviously, this is something I am more than ready to handle and deal with. But...

"...You're gonna go out tonight and deal with things, huh." Her face takes a serious expression. A slight frown even.

...I can hear the slight worry in her voice.

It is only natural that Souka would be worried about whether or not I would come back. After all... none of my secrets are unknown to her. She knows full well of the nature of the Tohno... and of me.

She also knows that I will not go down without a fight.

"Yes. But I have come back, and always will, Souka. I cannot die while you still live... I will not permit myself to simply roll over and die.."

"Yeah... I know, Tohno. But you know what happens, just in case..." She smiles.

Her smile makes me blush. Because... whenever I go out to help Arcueid-san or Ciel-san or Nii-san, Souka makes it a point to make love to me, and for me to make love to her, before I go. Every time. Just in case it is "the last time"... which it, admittedly, probably never will be.

I still do not fully understand her logic, but then again, I never have. I suppose as a normal, if fit, human woman, and knowing fully about myself now, she knows she cannot help me in my duties as overseer of Misaki... but she knows she can love.

And it is loving that Tsukihime Souka does best to Tohno Akiha.

"C'mon then," she says with a happy smile and a rub of my rear that makes color fill my cheeks and my body begin to warm up already. "And don't worry about a thing, Tohno. You know you can give me my turn after you recover from your little nap." She carries me off into our bedroom.

Because with Souka... it never fails. I pass out every time, to this day...

* * *

...My eyes open.

There is nobody in my room, and I am on my bed. I look around, half-expecting someone, but I find nobody present.

…...I pinch myself.

"Ow..."

...Okay, I am awake this time. And me. Not an older me. My shapes are exactly what I am expecting them to be. Not bigger.

Those... those were all dreams of Yumizuka-san, Kohaku, Hanei, Seo, Hisui, and Souka. Of possible futures.

…...They felt pleasant. In every dream, I looked happy, and so did they. And... I felt happy, too, like I have not felt in a long time.

I... I want to feel that way. To come home to someone, and have them smile, and try to make my mind feel at ease...

I feel a sense as if some unseen being, some celestial god or goddess, is telling me that now is the time to decide. I do not know why I feel this way, just that I do...

...I do not believe in things such as fate. To think that some unseen force, or unknown entity, can be controlling my life... I do not attempt to put such a spell on myself.

There is no fate but what we make for ourselves. And I refuse to bow down to it in any case. Only one person will decide what is best for me.

…...Me.

I throw the covers off of my bed, and I crawl out of it, walking over to the large doorway that opens up to my balcony.

I look out the window. It is night outside. The sky is completely dark. No moon hangs outside. Good. Perfect, even...

...For the new moon is a time for beginnings. For new plans. For new phases.

…...For my new life.

I get up, and begin to get out of my school uniform and into my long red dress. Walks on nights like tonight never seem to fail to give me the answers that I seek.

* * *

I do not know what I will find out there...  
But whatever it is...  
...I am sure it will be something that will bring me answers.

* * *

Next Week (5/29/11) – Chapter 52: "Conversation with a Partitioned Mind"


	53. Conversation with a Partitioned Mind

Chapter 52: "Conversation with a Partitioned Mind"

* * *

I quietly open the doors to my patio, and jump off of my balcony to the ground. It is a two-story jump, but I land very carefully, having jumped from similar heights countless times, and being used to jumping from higher ones still. My body kneels from the impact into the ground for only a moment, and I stand up and dust myself off.

I catch the sight of my breath hanging in the air momentarily as I do so. It is a fairly cold night. I will have a short amount of time left to do these walks until next spring. Already the weather reports in the paper said that by next week we can expect snow.

Normally I would have just left out the front door, but that would likely alert Yumizuka-san. As she is one of the people whom I have to decide between, I... I would really rather not have her here. I like Yumizuka-san, but she would make a difficult decision even more difficult.

...And this is something I need an absolutely clear mind to decide. If I do not have that, I may let guilt, or some other such emotion, cloud my judgment. Love is the one judgment where you cannot allow yourself to be blinded by such feelings, for to do so is to ensure that you do not make the proper choice.

I walk to the gates. By now, I know the positions of Kohaku's traps, and since the guard dogs know my scent, I am able to leave silently without so much as a whisper. I sidestep, hop, and move carefully, and when I reach the gates, I jump over them, hurdling them carefully so that my dress does not catch and tear on it.

After a moment to straighten it out once more, I begin walking aimlessly towards downtown, with nothing but the stars in the sky. There is no moon. Arcueid-san is no doubt laying low, with Ciel-san picking up the slack during this time.

Even then... it is a quiet, still night. The sorts of nights I actually enjoy the most.

I always have enjoyed quiet moments. Even though they are, to some, maddening, to me, it has always been a time to be introspective. To investigate myself. To think over important decisions.

...Like this one.

This is an important decision. I know I can only have one of them... and I likely only have one chance at that one. It must be perfect. I must ensure that it is carefully planned out, and thought through.

If I do not... then I may fail at this, and have nobody.

I walk down the road, mulling over my dreams. My thoughts. Whether influenced by what happened in the bathroom or not, I do not know, but I do know I want one of them.

"...But which one...?"

That is the problem.

It is easy to say that one wants someone. A human inherently knows the condition of their own heart. That is because the heart works on general principles. It knows the sort of feeling it wants to feel.

The problem is... that one cannot simply "find" happiness. Not only must it be sought out, they must try to find who or what, exactly, will bring out that feeling.

For while the heart seeks vague emotions, the mind seeks concrete realities.

Life is never an easy thing to deal with. None of us ask to be put on this planet. Not myself, not Nii-san, not Yumizuka-san, not Hisui or Kohaku, not Souka, Hanei, Seo, not even Otou-sama or "him."

And yet, I want to be able to have some small measure of happiness while I spend my years here. Because I, like anyone else, am fated to be here for only so long, and we do not know when that end will come. It may be in sixty or seventy years...

...or it may end tonight, if I am truly unfortunate.

I may be less likely to die young because I can control my blood, but it does not make me invincible from death. Far from it. Death will claim me one day; it has to claim us all, eventually. Even Arcueid-san, although her death is not like our concept of death, will enter an equivalent state, a state where she will simply sleep forever and never awaken, or her bloodlust will overpower her and turn her into what she hates.

...At least, this is what Nii-san told me when I asked about her.

The fear of one as powerful as her and me... are, ironically, the same thing. Becoming the thing we hate. Becoming the monster.

I am, in some way, saved from this fate.

But unlike Arcueid-san, I cannot simply force my body to sleep. The human body has both a need for activity and rest. After eight hours of rest, it is usually ready for at least twelve to sixteen hours of activity, but it can be stretched considerably further than that if necessary, perhaps around a hundred hours or so, in extreme cases.

Further deprivation will eventually lead to psychosis, then death.

That is, ultimately, my "savior." The fact that even if I am turned into a monster... eventually, I will be killed, or simply roll over and die, even if nobody exists who would kill me... although in reality, it would fall onto the next most powerful branch family of ours to terminate me, if for some reason Nii-san failed to.

Arcueid-san... would not. Her nightmare would continue, for only one being could, in theory, kill her.

A person with the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception.

Such people are rare in this world, I have learned. Even being adopted into a family of freaks... Nii-san was a freak among freaks. A human who could have parity with a demon because his lineage and his abilities allowed him to kill them with far more ease than would be normally possible.

…...It also saved one.

Me.

For I had inverted, after being maddened by "him" without even realizing it. I wound up fighting Nii-san. Were it not for his eyes, I would have crushed Nii-san utterly. My power is an absolute, complete offensive assault against any who cannot see my origami. They will never see it coming until they are a shriveled, desiccated, flash-frozen husk.

...But he could. And were it not for him, Tohno Akiha would be prowling the streets for entirely different reasons tonight.

But, even though I will die someday... it is because I have to. Not because I want to.

Because, while I am here, I want to explore that happiness.

I wish I could explore it forever, but I cannot... and as a half-demon by birth, I do not know if there will be a place for me in the afterlife, regardless of how "good" I am. Torture and suffering shall be my life, as well as my afterlife. There is no denying that side of me, that savage side who could kill without remorse or regret if it had control over me. Therefore, if a deity exists, no sane deity would exist that would allow me to experience happiness.

I will settle for simply limbo. Devoid of happiness, but also devoid of suffering. I could just close my eyes, and allow myself to float forever, and eventually I will forget I exist and that will be that.

A pure blackness.

...Like the other half of my soul.

The soul of a demon is a pure existence. Its existence may be evil, but it is undeniably pure.

…...It is that pure darkness that I still fear. That darkness that is still making me somewhat wonder if I am doing the right thing... or if I will put them in danger.

Kohaku and Hisui would know of my problem... and hopefully would think fast to solve it. Yumizuka-san is powerful in her own right, and she could probably match me blow for blow.

...Seo, Souka, and Hanei, however... would be powerless against my abilities. And that is what I ultimately fear.

The first ones to be harmed by a demon are those closest to themselves. It is for these reasons that Otou-sama did what he had done to Kohaku. It is for these reasons that Kouma Kishima lives a life of a hermit, willingly secluding himself... although his reasons are not quite as noble as not being willing to harm anyone, but I suppose that only attacking those who seek him out and challenge him will be the best one can hope from, from a true monster, and someone "worthy" of gaining the title of "Crimson Red Vermilion."

...Red. The complimentary color to a demon's soul. Their heart is the darkest black, and the things they all seem to love are red in color.

A color of action. A color of anger. The color of blood as it effortlessly melts through their fingers.

...Perhaps it is the demon side of me that makes me like the color red, rather than the human side that simply appreciates its purity.

Purity.

Purity…...

…...A silly concept, ultimately. Nothing in this world is pure. Even the "purest" things have impurity. It is not a matter of purity or impurity, but rather, a degree of impurity.

…...Are any of us pure, though, when we get down to it...?

When one is a child, the world is a bright, happy place. The sky is the limit. There is nothing you can do.

For Tohno Akiha, the daughter of a well-to-do family, nothing but the best sufficed. The best food. The best clothing. The best things. In return, she was expected to be elegant and educated.

Times to play were scarce. She had a brother she played with. Eventually, she gained new members of her family. Two twin girls, and a boy who shared the sound of her brother's name.

And then... her innocence ended.

The boy nearly died. She gave up half her life for him, suffering crippling bouts of pain, random inversions, and had to have the future headship of the household forced on her. The joyous days were gone.

...Then, years later, she finds out a disturbing truth. With it, the love of her father came to an end. When he died, she failed to shed a tear.

...And now here she is, walking down the road, aimlessly, as if she had no true purpose in life, simply living out the motions, wondering where she will end up in this all...

I shake these thoughts from my head. I went for a walk to clear it, not to wind it up, and that is exactly what I am doing...

I need to get a hold of myself. I need to stop thinking about the past. The past is the past, and nothing shall change that, but the future...

…...The future is something I can still control.

* * *

Before long, I find myself in the park. Nobody is here, but the place still smells faintly of death. A lot of fates were decided in this park, away from human eyes. People who may never even know their fate was decided here.

People who may never know I was the one who decided them, among others.

I sit down on the bench, sighing and looking up at the lamp posts. Somehow, I can tell Ciel-san was there, not too long ago.

...But I also get the feeling I am not alone. Of another presence being here.

I close my eyes, and try to focus on who else it could be.

Not Arcueid-san. She would be weakest. Still inhumanly strong, but risking things if she came across one as powerful as her.

Ciel-san would be too busy to loiter in the park for long. She and Arcueid-san may not have normal, if somewhat cool, tensions, but they can at least agree to disagree enough to know to pick up the slack of the other if one is unable to.

Hisui would not be foolish enough to follow me. She is not a fighter, anyway. She would have no sort of reason to come out here, either...

…...If anything, it would likely be Kohaku who would follow me. But if Kohaku were to follow me, she would have no reason to hide from me... and I would only bring her along when I was planning an assault on someone who was a strong and potent foe, that I could not be sure of handling myself.

A nightly walk like this... is not something I would need to bring Kohaku along for.

Besides, this presence feels like... a vampire.

...Yumizuka-san would be the natural choice. But... while she could have followed me, she would not be able to evade me forever. Furthermore... she knows that she, too, would not have to hide her presence from me... although it would tell me that I would need to work on my sneaking-out skills.

But I still know this scent. This, too, is someone I am familiar with...

"...Sion."

As if knowing I would find her, she comes out from behind a tree. Her eyes are purple now, but she looks slightly disheveled. It looks like she has managed to temporarily suppress that side of her, but that suppression occurred not too long ago.

She had stumbled upon Nii-san while searching for Arcueid-san and they had struck up a sort of working relationship similar to what he has with Arcueid-san and Ciel-san. Mutual assistance for the other.

...Either that, or Nii-san has a fetish for vampire females. Or some sort of gland that attracts them...

Sion, not Yumizuka-san, is the reason why I had the science and medically-oriented extensions of our family investigate the potential for a cure. It has not been long, but the current reports are encouraging. They say they may have something within about six to twelve months hence.

Yumizuka-san can hold out indefinitely as I am giving her blood. I had offered the same to Sion, but she refused, saying she would deal with it in her own way, and I respect her for that.

"You're walking out here pretty late, you know. There's a lot worse things than me you could bump into." Carefully, she leans against a tree. Her breathing and her manner are calm for now, the manner of that who is constantly calculating probabilities, estimations.

The usual manner of Sion Eltnam Atlasia, before her change.

"The same could be said to you, Sion," I rebut her. "Ciel-san was here not too long ago. If you had arrived perhaps twenty minutes earlier, she may have attacked. The Holy Church and Atlas do not get along very well, after all."

"I'm not really worried about the daikousha,"* she says as she crosses her arms. "I have bigger things to worry about, like getting rid of this disease. Do you have an update on that for me, Akiha?"

"I have had several branches working on it. There is some promising results, but re-aligning your body's genetic structure is not an easy thing to do, you know," I explain. "You have given them cellular samples from before your conversion, I take it?"

"Yes, I gave them a cup I had drank out of before I went on that mission." She closes her eyes. "It should still have had some dried saliva on it, and it would have been viable enough to extract the genetic structures from." They reopen and she pushes herself away from the tree, walking towards the bench on which I am sitting.

"That will do," I say. "Unfortunately, it may not help another vampire I have come to know who has been stricken."

"Satsuki?" She says without blinking an eye as she sits down on the bench with me.

"...How did you know that, Sion?" She surely could not have known that I have taken her in...

"Naturally, I would know all of the other vampires I have come across. Isn't it obvious? I kept an eye on her since I came to Misaki. She's a sweet girl. So you are going to help her too, Akiha?"

"...Well, it would be the least I could do. I have gotten to know her pretty well, it was mostly my fault that she is a vampire, and... I do not like seeing friends so helpless."

"...Friend, you say?" Sion smiles slightly. "You usually do not go to such lengths, so I have a feeling she is more than that to you, Akiha. You're not someone who is usually so easy to get to know."

I look away slightly, a bit embarrassed.

Well... I suppose she is a little more than just a regular friend. Yumizuka-san is someone pretty special to me. And I do not like seeing people who are helpless like that wronged in such a vicious, unforgivable way. I refuse to just sit there, and watch as their wrongs remain unrighted.

"...But it's not her you're thinking about, based on that expression. Deciding your life already?" Sion muses on it, rubbing her chin a little.

"...How did you know that, Sion?" I blink as I look at her.

...Only to notice a nearly invisible glimmer of reflected light from the Ethelite "whip" attached to my body.

…...And with that, she gained access to my mind. My memories. My secrets. _**Everything...**_

I pull away almost immediately, but for a mind as rigorously trained and capable of parallel thought as Sion's is, all it takes is that instant to read perhaps the last six to twelve months of my life.

...And certainly more than enough time to have watched all of the events of the last week and a half.

"...I never would have suspected you to be that way, but considering what happened to make you begin thinking that way, I suppose I cannot blame you for it." Sion's eyes narrow slightly as she processes all of my memories, the faintest hint of a smile crossing her lips.

"You could have at least asked first!" I cross my arms.

"You would've said yes anyway, eventually," she announces immediately.

"Th... That is true, but... that is not the point!" I say as I sigh.

"But you have a lot on your mind, I see. Trying to find someone to be happy with, huh? And what was formerly one choice is now six..."

"Well, of course. Do you not want that too, Sion?"

"...I have bigger things to worry about than being happy. Such as being cured." She says it matter-of-factly, as if it were the obvious answer to a question.

…...Well, she does have a point.

"Well then... you know my problem." I sit and sigh. "I... do want someone. And I do not know which one is the right one..."

"Besides Shiki, that is, of course."

I sigh. Well, of course Sion would find _**THAT**_ out. "...It is not what you think it is, Si–"

"Don't worry. I understand it. I probably would want that too if I had someone do that for me." She lets go of the strand and it snaps slightly back into her bracelet. "You're a very noble person, Akiha. Saving a life is what makes one heroic."

"...I am no hero, Sion," I dismiss her praise. "Heroes are people who are able to sacrifice themselves because it is the right thing to do. I... was blinded by love."

"Are you sure about that? Does a child really know what love is in the way you're saying it? It was love that saved him, but it was the love a girl would have for a brother, not a sexual one." She closes her eyes. "It is still heroic. For while you could have killed your real brother... you instead chose to save the injured one. Given a choice between light and dark, Tohno Akiha's mind and heart chose light."

I look down. I... do not know what to make of her assessment. I... suppose it can be true if one thinks about it, but saving someone is a natural reaction, is it not? The fact that I saved his life does not mean anything special...

"So it is only natural, that when a moment in your life was defined by love, that inevitably you would seek it again." Sion summarizes the main point. "The only problem is, you are not sure whom it should be."

"…...I guess that is what I want," I reply.

"It is what you want, you just don't know who you want it to be with." Sion readjusts her clothing.

"...It is more complicated than that," I say with a sigh. "I like being prepared, but I cannot possibly prepare for them all... and I cannot take on multiple partners... especially in that way. That would be not only scandalous, but ridiculous."

"It would," Sion says with a laugh. "But the surprising thing is, your heart has already made up the decision. You just have to realize it. When you do, your mind will realize all along that it has chosen someone."

"...It has?" I say, blinking with surprise. How... can it decide something without me knowing? Is that not... impossible?

"It's not impossible," she says, almost as if reading my mind still thanks to the Ethelite, forcing me to look at my body again. Fortunately, this time, there are no thin wires connecting us.

"...Then who is it?" I look at her. "Tell me, Sion... I do not know, and it is making me anxious..."

She smiles slightly. "Ah, but that's not as fun as you discovering it. If I told you, it wouldn't seem so nice. In fact, you might not react very well otherwise, so I refuse."

"...R... Refuse?ǃ You just want me to torture myself mentally, is that it?ǃ" I feel my anger beginning to rise.

"Of course not," Sion says, her slight smile not fading. "I won't tell you outright, but I'll give you a little bit of a hint... think very carefully about some of the things you've said all along..." She stands up, dusting off her skirt. "...And then it might come to you. But for now, I must take leave of this place, before the daikousha notices I am here and decides to make my night more difficult than it already is. Please say hello to Satsuki for me. I shall come over sometime soon to check on her, and you while I'm at it."

With that, and a simple wish of "Oyasumi nasai,"** Sion Eltnam Atlasia walks into the night. Before long, her footsteps fade into silence, and then slowly, the purple uniform merges into the black of the night, leaving me with no company other than the wind blowing, somewhat coldly, across my face.

...That skirt of hers barely covers her rear. Would she not be cold in it?

...Then again... a vampire cannot feel heat or cold. It would make sense.

…...Stop finding excuses to be looking at Sion's rear, Akiha. I force myself to pull my eyes away, shake my head of such polluted thoughts, and begin to replay our conversation in my head.

"Right... Think about what I have been saying all along, and it might come to me."

Saying... and doing. Only that will bring me my answer.

And once I have the answer... I can finally decide what I am going to do.

And who it is, ultimately, that I love...

* * *

* Daikousha: Literally "Agent." This is what Sion calls Ciel, as Ciel is an agent of the Holy Church.

** Oyasumi nasai: Literally "Good night."

* * *

...Think about what I have been saying.  
There must be some obvious pattern that Sion has seen that I have not.  
The question is... what sort of pattern would that be...?

* * *

Next Week (6/5/11) – Chapter 53: "An Epiphany of Passionate Ardency"


	54. An Epiphany of Passionate Ardency

Chapter 53: An Epiphany of Passionate Ardency

* * *

...Sion is long gone. Only the night air keeps me company now.

The night air... and thoughts.

_"Think very carefully about some of the things you've said all along, and then it might come to you."_

Her words linger freshly in my mind.

I have said a lot of things over the past week and a half. I have done things that normally I would have found it wasteful, or even ridiculous to spend time in.

Things such as eating a casual lunch, even sloppily. Or shopping for clothes that I usually never wear. Or simply buying the time to enjoy a day with my friends.

But... I can't help but feel the smile spread a little on my face as I think about it.

Those were all surprisingly worthwhile uses of money.

Money may not be able to buy happiness, this is true. But it is an undeniable fact that oftentimes it can be used to buy things that can.

The simple fact is that at that point, spending time with my friends and just... being a little more of a "casual" lifestyle is the sort of thing that I needed. To taste the other side of life.

To see just what being more like Souka could possibly be like.

And on the whole...? I would say it was not that bad. Well, aside from having to shift my forms, but... I suppose I will have to swallow that.

One thing is definitely for certain. I have changed a lot... especially in the last five days or so.

I went from being a somewhat cold and emotionless woman to a girl who has realized all along that she desires someone.

Someone... other than Nii-san, possibly.

Do I want him still? Yes, of course. I would immediately become Nii-san's wife and lover the second he asked. But I have known that for years. That is not the puzzle I have to solve right now. That was never a puzzle at all.

What I have to solve is... since it cannot be Nii-san, and since I do not see any other male able to replace him... what sort of female would I want?

If I identify as bisexual, then surely, I am comfortable with the idea of loving a woman, too. It... is really not so bad. Different, yes, but not exactly wrong, by my thinking. Even if it is abhorrent to some, the simple fact of the matter is that it is my life I am choosing this for, not someone else's. It is up to the person whom I ask to say yes or no to my proposal, and only then are they dragged into it. It is not like they have no choice on the matter, after all.

And is that not ultimately what most humans want? Happiness...?

Some of us seem to have different priorities. For some, the only things they care about are money, or power, or recognition and fame. I already have all of these, but I could honestly say I could live without them.

…...Well, it would be harder without money, perhaps. But it is not like I need the entirety of the vast Tohno fortune.

For there is one uniting force that will, ultimately, combine that of the poorest people in the world, along with the world's richest men...

…...Death.

We are all on this planet for such a brief moment. To us, it seems like a long period, but in the grand scheme of things, we are but mere pebbles in the gigantic waterfall of time, washed away in its stream effortlessly and quickly, and before long, nothing of us remains but what once was. Only the things we have done, created, and left...

…...That is what is left of us, long after the memories of us are gone. Here and there, in the blink of an eye. That is a human lifetime.

I... want people to remember me. And more importantly... to not just remember me as the landlord of Misaki in secret, or as the half-demon hybrid, as Ciel-san probably will.

No. I want them to remember, more than anything else, that Tohno Akiha had a human side as well. A side she wore on the outside, but also a part of her inside. Her anatomy is human. Her thinking is human. Every single organ that is inside of her body would be indistinguishable from those of a human. Indeed, the only thing of hers that is not fully human...

...Is her blood.

Blood, the thing that grants all of us the ability to live. A fluid mostly composed of plasma, erythrocytes, leucocytes, and platelets. A simple combination of four things that permits us to take in oxygen from the air that we need, use it as fuel for our bodies, and fight off disease.

...Truly, a marvelous machine in its own right.

And that machine is but support, a power source. It fuels an even greater organ, connected to it essentially by a series of tubes and wires.

An organ that is capable of surprising amounts of thought. Everything from calculating the sizes of planets, to creation of theories as to how life came about on this planet, and even to imagining fantastical universes that cannot possibly ever come about in reality.

An organ that allows one to recognize that they are one solitary person. An organ that allows a child to look at their hand, flex and bend the fingers, and marvel that they have voluntary and complete control over them.

An organ that is called the "brain."

The brain, where our concepts of self are stored. Where, through various processes, an identity of self is eventually formed in every single person, shaped by life's experiences, lessons, joys, and sorrows.

Where we, ultimately, find ourselves if we simply look hard enough. As I have.

Yet just because the question of the moment finally gets answered, the brain is not satisfied with that. It must have more data, more input. It must continue to process. A never-ending machine of calculation that only stops when the power source that keeps it running shuts down, after perhaps seventy-five or so years of continuous use.

...A remarkable running time for such a machine.

Even though I have found the answer to what I am, however, the brain simply moved on to the next question in its never-ending stack. When it got an answer to whom Tohno Akiha was, it simply and calmly asked "Whom does she want?"

And thus, here I am on this bench.

It still feels a little weird to not only know I am thinking these things now, but to accept it, even... I caught myself looking at even Sion's behind just now. Sion surely does not have that sort of interest in me.

…...Or does she?

Without even asking it to, my mind entertains the thought for a moment. After all... in my mind, Sion is what I want her to be. And she has a rather nice figure to go with it...

I sigh as I force that thought to go. No... Sion is not the sort of person I have feelings for, despite my mind trying to delude me into thinking that I do. I have more important things to think of now.

Namely, if I am going to take one of those six to be mine...

...Well then.

I cross my legs under my dress and look up at the night sky, with its twinkling stars. Thousands of tiny spots of light. Each a sun, a number of miles away that a human mind cannot comfortably compute, so we have invented larger and grander scales of measure to assess this distance, into something that is more comprehensible for us to understand.

...They are my company tonight. A night where I intend to seal a fate.

...But whose fate? All of them have been on my mind, in some way, shape, or form.

All of them have aspects I like and do not like. Admirable traits I wish I could have, and inherent flaws that I am glad I do not. Things that make each of them a little bit different, and in an odd sort of way, their own people.

"...Your words are not helping me, Sion," I say with a bitter dissatisfaction.

I sigh. So much for that.

Maybe it is easy for her partitioned mind to pull apart, but not for me. I am intelligent and educated, but I am not able to divide my mind and think parallel as Sion could so easily. I have enough of a problem with keeping things straight as they are, much less that.

But... really... is it that hard?

No. The simple fact is that all of us have some friends whom they feel... closer to than others. Even if we have many friends, there are levels of friends. There are friends whom you are happy to see, then friends whom you want to spend time with...

…...And then there are friends to whom you will share your deepest, most personal secrets, and trust in them not to whisper a word of it to another soul for the rest of their days. Pinky swear.

I have quite a few people whom I could consider friends, but those six... only those six... would be those whom I could consider really, truly close friends.

They have all been on my mind in some form. Hisui and Kohaku have been a part of my life longer than any other; I have grown up with them. Yumizuka-san has been in my thoughts since I met her, and naturally, Souka, Seo, and Hanei are my friends.

They are people whom I can be a little less worried about how I will look to the outside world with, and be slightly more myself. People to whom I do not have to show false emotions, or say the words they want to hear, or agree with whatever thoughts they are entertaining. They are that rare, special breed of person that I probably do not think about often enough... and more importantly, that I am actually sorely lacking in my life. The sort of people that, truth be told, I probably should get to know. The sort of people who provide alternate perspectives, opinions, and realities – always an important thing for anyone to have.

They are all important to me. But...

...Are any of them more important than the other?

Well... not really. They are all important, but for different reasons.

Hisui, I seek to protect. Kohaku is her main protector, but ever since I learned what Otou-sama was doing to Kohaku, three years ago, and why he was doing it... I sought to protect both her and Kohaku from him. For Hisui, she was spared most of the pain and suffering, but it was only a matter of time until she found out what was happening, and she did not take it very well at all. It was only after a year ago – after the fight Nii-san and I had – that she was able to really begin to grow emotionally as a person. Her growth is still incomplete; she has been sheltered from a lot of things, and it will take a few more years hence before she is really able to be introduced into the world proper. However, the fact that she has learned that it is acceptable to take risks, to ask questions, and to make her own judgments shows that her growth is accelerating. It is why I rarely treat Hisui as "just" a servant; rather, I suppose it would be best to say that in a lot of ways, she has become a younger sister of sorts... even if she is half a year older than me.

Kohaku, for her part, has a thirst to survive probably greater than anyone I know. Such rape and abuse would have crushed a lesser woman, or even a man; not her. She endured, and half-lost her mind from it... but she endured because if she gave in completely, she would not be able to look out for Hisui... the one person to whom it was worth suffering and giving her life for, much as I had for Nii-san. Despite the abuse stopping, she could not stop her plans, stop her thirst for vengeance, until in a purely random quirk of fate, Nii-san returned a ribbon she gave him when he left... and she remembered everything, shattering the cycle. Saving my life, saving Nii-san's life... saving us all, and then moving on, as one eventually must do with all griefs and pains, as hard as it is to swallow. She has been working her hardest to make amends for the sorts of troubles she has inflicted upon us all, and has shown a surprising degree of flexibility and tolerance... highly admirable traits in just about anyone.

I have cared for Yumizuka-san because, like Sion, I am trying to get that cure for her. To give her a normal life. She would not have to thank me, or repay me, or any of those things... her friendship is payment enough, I think. She cares deeply for both myself and Nii-san, to the point where even though it rightly disgusted her, she cleaned my vomit without complaints when I had my nightmare last week. That sort of sacrifice, just because I have given her a few simple, small things... that sort of service deserves to be rewarded, I think. Yumizuka-san has been unfortunate in luck, and while I cannot change the circumstances of that, I can do my best to try to reverse what has befallen her, with the means I have available to me. I have been a fairly firm believer in helping out those who are less fortunate than myself; if money is no real object and I will still be able to live my life the way I always have while giving some portion of it away, what good is it if it just sits there? It is best to put it to use; therefore, I will help fund that cure, as it provides a very interesting prospect – and if it works, it may even be lucrative, admittedly.

Hanei, well... she is very pretty, one of the prettiest girls I have ever met, and she brought me out of school earlier, and it is a good thing she found me. What if I had cracked my skull open then and there? To have bled to death in our dorm, on our bathroom... and, for that matter, to die with my underwear around my thighs... it would have been so embarrassing that if the blood loss did not kill me, the fact I would have been found that way sure would have. But more than that, Misawa Hanei is a pure, kind soul, the sort of girl who I feel would find it almost impossible to truly think bad of just about any person. She is the sort of friend that I wish almost everyone could have, the one person whom, no matter how depressed, saddened, or hurt you feel over something that life has forced you to deal with, would be there to comfort you, even if it is with just a smile and a simple "It will be okay." One should never underestimate the power of such simple things, and it is in her simplicity that Hanei is number one.

Souka... well, how could I _**NOT**_ think of Souka, really, after what she did...? It is hard to not think of someone you have been sexual with, especially if that person was your first time; the first sexual partner a human has becomes the paragon by which all others are ever measured. Every time I see her or think about her, I heat up a little inside, no matter how warm I am... a feeling that is both pleasant and maddening. My body is somewhat associating Souka with sex, I think... but that is a natural reaction to a lover. But more than that... Souka has always been a level-headed voice of reason; a perspective on a more _laissez-faire_ sort of attitude on life. The maxims she seems to operate by are "Treat others how you want to be treated" and "Everyone is a person." Indeed, in all of the years that I have known her, I have never seen Souka out to explicitly hate anybody; if anyone gains her ire, it is because they have earned it, and not from appearances alone.

Seo is important to me too, because she is someone who seems to look up to me, and cherish me. She did draw that doujinshi of me and her. She is more than happy to have her lunch with me, and share it with me. She was with me even when I was not me. Even when I had to come back... I did it to protect Seo. Someone who I have been with on committees, and projects, and various other things, and I shared my thoughts and past once she saw it, and she always seems to be interested in trying to get me to do things. She takes my abuses in the greatest strides; never complaining, and never really saying I have gone too far except when I cornered her. And yet despite all of that, the girl still loyally follows me, values my opinion, wants to hear what I think of some thing she has done, is greatly encouraged by my praise, and...

…...…...…...…...…...

I... I have shared a lot of myself with Seo. A lot more than I have with Souka or Hanei... indeed, only Yumizuka-san, Hisui, Kohaku, and Nii-san know more of my deepest secrets than her, probably...

I have... opened up more to Seo Akira than I thought I would. More than I willingly would to most people. Because... she is the direct opposite of me. Innocent. Cheerful. Creative...

And yet...

...When we argued, I allowed her to take charge of it. Not only that... I accepted my loss. And even then, I felt utterly and completely guilty for doing it... so guilty I could not get my mind off of it, and apologized to her immediately the next day.

But... more than that... she looked just as guilty as I felt.

…...It was just as important for her to apologize to me as it was for me to find her. And she even knew me enough to know I would go to our dorm first thing in the morning... using the very trick I had used on her the day before.

And then, we ate lunch. For real. No false pretenses. And we both thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, neither of us really wanting to go...

...Does she feel this way about me, too?

What if she, herself, is debating this? What am I to her?

I look at my hands. They're shaking...

...I grab at my hair. The tips are red...

…...I feel short of breath, and my heart racing in my chest...

"...I love her...?"

As if confirming it, my heart shudders.

...But... her?

Why her?

I find myself asking the very same questions I had asked a week ago... but... now I'm almost hoping she does...

...Almost? No, I am...

...I want her to. I... I want her to think of me as more than a Senpai, or a friend, or even a close friend...

I saved her. When I lifted that heavy pillar from her legs, I was not even thinking of myself, I was thinking of her...

The day I got away from myself, I bought her things because I wanted her to be happy. A shirt. Art supplies. A trip to the amusement park...

I have had her in my home more than just about any other guest...

Why her of all people, when she does so many things wrong?

Flaws are inherently human, but it seems like sometimes Seo cares very little about her flaws. Ignorantly, almost.

...But then...

"…...…...…Opposites attract."

That... that's exactly why.

The carefree heart of Seo Akira is that of a normal teenaged girl, compared to the cold heart of marble that is inside the chest of Tohno Akiha.

The last time I felt like this... was when what Souka was doing to me.

…...Nobody else would make me feel like this... just thinking about it, and what she thinks...

I, I'm... nervous...

I haven't felt like this in a long time...

...It's almost stupid of me to have not realized this earlier. All of the signs. All of the little hints. All of my feelings, all of my worries...

…...Of all my dreams, the only one where it seemed to not be focused on sex was Seo. As if... as if my mind wanted to protect her purity. Her chastity.

On one hand... one side of me desperately wants Seo to admit this, that she really has had feelings for me all along... and that I have simply been too blind to notice this until now. On the other...

…...She already said she does not have a genuine, romantic interest in another girl.

Well... neither am I, right? I like both. Lesbians only like the other, so I should be okay, right? I will have to ask her when we have lu–

"...Oh god!"

...It's Wednesday by now, isn't it?ǃ

I, I have to hurry back to the mansion, or I'll never get up in time to talk to her...!

With a kick of my legs, I jump off the bench and begin running as hard as I can as the stars twinkle their farewells.

* * *

By the time I reach the gates, I have lost track of the time. It is definitely still night, but who knows for how much longer...

I jump hard to try to clear the gate, only for the back end of my dresscoat to catch it. Instinct makes me lunge for the ground and barely manage to roll with it. Although thankfully it's not torn, my body crashes hard with a terrific _**THUD.**_

...And the searchlights come on and immediately point me out, having tripped off the seismic sensors.

…...Well, shit.

The only reasons the dogs are not attacking is because they smell me. They know the scent of their mistress too well, so while normally someone would be getting torn apart by now, the worst that I get is a bruise to my side, and my ego, perhaps.

However, the door flings open within moments, and in the doorway stands Yumizuka-san... or rather, she stays in the lobby and shouts so the dogs do not attack her. They do not like her very much, and I do hear them stir a bit as they catch wind of her scent.

"Akiha-sama?ǃ Where have you beenǃ? I was this close to waking up Tohno-kun and telling him you went missing! If you were going for a walk, you should've told me!" She stands there, hands on her hips, angrily lecturing me.

…...Even her anger has this undeniable cuteness to it.

I get up during her yells and dust myself off, wincing slightly as I brush the side I came down on with my body weight.

"I had my reasons not to say anything, Yumizuka-san..." I begin walking down the pathway, occasionally lightly jumping or avoiding a trap that will be waiting for me to trigger it.

"...You look nervous... is everything okay?" She gets worried.

"I am fine... please, just let me get some sleep. What time is it?" I walk into the lobby next to her.

"About... 2 AM... why...?" She moves aside without really thinking about it.

"...Good. I can get five hours. Tell Hisui to wake me up at 7 AM. Sorry to scare and worry you!" I race upstairs. To my room. To my bed.

Tomorrow will be an important day. A very important day. And I do not want to take it in any less but the best possible mental state...

* * *

...Because, tomorrow...  
...Tomorrow I will run into Seo again.  
And when I do…...

* * *

Next Week (6/12/11) – Chapter 54: "Fountain of Youth"


	55. Fountain of Youth

Chapter 54: "Fountain of Youth"  
Wednesday, November 6, 2002

* * *

"...–ma. Wa... up, Aki... time for school..."

A voice, distant and echoing, enters my perception. I groan, half-consciously, as I roll over. I don't care who it is. I just want them to go away...

...Until a purple-haired reminder flashes through my mind, causing me to bolt upright and out of my bed, suddenly very much awake. It also makes Hisui cry out slightly in surprise.

"I am up, Hisui. Thank you, I will see you later!" I hurriedly grab my seifuku and run to the bathroom.

"Akiha-sama, you're in a rush this morning..." is what I hear Hisui say as I shut the door. She seems, in so many words, surprised by my sudden burst of energy.

There is a good reason I am feeling so energetic, though.

I must take a very quick shower. I only have about half an hour to spare, as I really do not like to make my driver rush here or home if he does not have to. That could bring the risk of a fatality for us both. And I do not think any of my friends would like it very much if they heard I was killed in a car accident...

I feel my body tingling and shaking, like I am about to fight some hideous monster like I do every now and again when I prowl the city. It is usually a feeling I can swallow and force down, and by the time combat begins, those feelings are gone.

There is just one problem, this time.

This monster is not a physical entity, but a mental one.

This monster... is Tohno Akiha's self-doubt and nervousness.

And those are enemies I am completely unfamiliar with.

I have not had anything to be nervous for in about a year, when I knew Nii-san was going to return here. It has been so long that I almost forgot what being nervous feels like, really. This feeling that even though you have the answer, you do not know the outcome...

...It truly makes one feel like they are alive.

I know for a fact that since today is Wednesday, unless she is ill, I will see Seo. We will share lunch together. That is what we agreed to do last week.

...Has it really only been that long?

A week ago, we were arguing and fighting over a doujinshi. One that she initially claimed was not me and her, but then confessed that it was, because she was not sure of how I would react.

And she admitted that she had no true romantic feelings for me. It was... just an odd image.

And yet I am the one here who is realizing that out of all the people whom I feel I could love... it is somehow Seo Akira.

Why?

Because she is the things that I wish I could be sometimes.

Because she is, simply put, the direct opposite of me.

Tohno Akiha has had to live every day of her life, as long as she can remember, hearing words that are seared into her mind forever. "We live alone, and we die alone, Akiha." Meaning that whatever time I get on this world... it is already borrowed time.

The world has no place for monsters such as the Tohno, and that includes myself. Every day I live, it could potentially be my last. I may invert without warning from some extreme stress, and it may be impossible for me to change back.

Every day a struggle. Every day a worry. Every day a borrowed existence ekes out another day of survival.

That is the life of Tohno Akiha.

…...And then, on the other side...

The ability to go through life without worries or troubles. To simply enjoy life.

Seo Akira needs no reason to enjoy life, unlike Tohno Akiha.

I feel content when I have everything in order, when our businesses are doing well, and my city is relatively free of anyone intruding on it.

Seo Akira enjoys life simply because she is alive.

It is a feeling I could not fully understand until I tried to put myself in her shoes. Waking up as a different person, doing things I would never, ever allow myself to do...

…...The deeper lesson in that was to be open to experiences other than the ones you are used to.

Loving Nii-san is what I have done for the better part of a decade. I still love him. I will always love him, until there is not a cell remaining that can identify itself as "Tohno Akiha." Nothing can, and ever will, change that, unless my mind is completely destroyed. I am sure of it.

But, the last few weeks have taught me a few important lessons.

I should not close myself to other choices. Other things. What happened on Sunday, then, was overall good...

…...Even revealing myself, ultimately.

The secret of me is still safe from Souka, and Hanei. Yumizuka-san knows it as well, but...

...Seo was the only one whose dream was not a sexual one.

My mind, so craving for that carnal simulation... every other one that I dreamed of, they were either overtly sexual, or I was sexual to them. But Seo...

...Seo's was a simple, wonderful romance. A love without the need for it to be a purely physical kind. An emotional high that somehow is more intimate than being physically in love. The only physical interaction...

…...A kiss, right at the end.

And yet, somehow, that dream was more passionate and resonated with my heart more strongly than any of the other ones did. Not even Souka gave off that feeling, nor did Yumizuka-san. Not even Hanei felt like that... although my body seemed to be quite willing to partake of the sexual beauty that Misawa Hanei will exhibit naturally.

How is that possible? How can one feel an even more close bond with someone while barely even touching them?

The mind works in mysterious ways. Obviously, the physical part of a relationship is just as important as the emotional aspects, but...

...It is almost like my mind was saying "While you love these girls for their sexual features, you love Seo for something far deeper and more personal."

And... it is right.

I really do not view Seo as an object of sexual desire. For one, she is still only fifteen. I mean, she is still in her last year of junior high, but next year she will be officially a first-year in high school. Not that it matters much; the junior high classes are held in the high school building so that the students can get acclimated to it, as it is much larger than the Elementary school complex on the other side of the campus.

...And yet.

I would not mind being that way with her. I... I would not be quite fully sure of what I was doing, but if she would let me try that... then I would do it. It is just not the main _**REASON**_ to do it. I kind of get the feeling that with Souka and Hanei, it would be... and Yumizuka-san would be a mix of both.

But Seo... Seo would be something else. Seo would be someone who I do those things with, yes... but not for my own greedy bodily pleasures. No. It would be a bond, a way of reinforcing our love.

Love... and trust.

Trust in a relationship. The most important and necessary thing to foment love.

And there has been a lot of trust I have placed in her lately. The most important thing being, of course, my actual self. That side of myself that even I try to deny.

…...But Souka or Hanei didn't mention it at all. Therefore, Seo has not said it. Seo has kept my secret. She did not punish my trust in her... although I suppose that it could have been fear, as well. She would constantly call me a demon, but... well, she found out that her own name for me was actually more true than false.

And how did Seo Akira react to that...?

...She did not seem afraid of it at all.

She allowed me to help her back. We shared a meal together. We talked as if we were friends as opposed to a more formal kouhai/senpai relationship. It was an interesting conversation, which led to her drawing...

…...I still have that drawing.

I go out of the bathroom for a moment, and pull it out of the place I had carefully put it, in one of my upper drawers.

…...It's well done. It captures me at an unusual moment. One where I was simultaneously both Tohno Akiha, and not Tohno Akiha. The clothing was not hers, but the mind was. A slight smile is on her face, one of someone who is calm, and yet happy at that moment of time.

It does not seem to matter to her that she is not in elegant clothing, nor even in the most elegant pose. Things that would usually make Tohno Akiha scream about inadequacy and inelegance are nowhere to be found.

…...That moment, Tohno Akiha was simply living for the moment, and enjoying a conversation with Seo Akira. And that was all that mattered to her then.

It still seems a little odd that these are the clothes I picked to wear.

And yet...

…...It does not look all that strange, all things considered. It actually looks like that in time... I could even be comfortable in such wear.

Granted... this will not be daily wear for me, of course. No, never. However, from time to time, or even occasionally... it would not be too bad, all things considered.

Perhaps it is a sign that I want increasing freedoms in my life and in my choices. That I do not wish to be tied down. No... more than not wish it...

...This was an outright rejection of it. As if to say to the fates "I am going to live how I wish to live, and you will accept it. If you do not, that is too bad."

I put the drawing back in my drawer, hurry back into the bathroom, and after stripping naked, I run the water and begin to wash over myself.

As I wash myself, I cannot help but look down at myself, at my body.

…...And I realize that before long, I am comparing it to what I have seen of Seo's. So similar to mine, in a lot of ways... small breasts. Slight curves.

Probably less pubic hair due to the her age, but what is there is purple, I am sure...

I close my eyes, and try to imagine how it would go if she asked me to assess her bodily sizes.

"You... really think I'm pretty, Tohno-senpai?" I hear her ask as she very shyly covers herself with her hands, one across her chest and the other covering where her legs join her torso.

"Seo... beauty is more than having the largest breasts, or the best curves. Everyone is different, and different is okay... because what makes you different, also makes you beautiful." I smile, and I see the deep blush of embarrassment at my flattery.

"But... E-even then... you're bigger than me, Tohno-senpai..."

"By a centimeter. It is not who is bigger or who is smaller. Someone told me awhile ago that I am perfect just how I am... and so are you, Seo. You do not need to be bigger or curvier to me, because I like you just how you are, and would not change a thing." I smile in my fantasy. "So... do not be ashamed... after all... I am naked with you too, am I not?"

"...Well... y-yeah," she says, blushing. I see her eyes dancing up and down, over my naked form. I blush slightly too, because while Souka had taken me in from the view of something she desired... Seo is taking me in from a more innocent, pure view, partially... and yet, at the same time, it is the view of her lover...

I move slightly so she can get a better look. "It is okay. Study as much as you would like. You are the one who requested the nude study, after all... my body is yours now, and yours is mine... that is what lovers agree to share among other things, is it not...?"

With a deep blush, and a slight nod, she hesitantly lowers her hands... allowing me to take in her beauty much as she had done with mine.

Small breasts, on a perfectly petite frame.

Slight curves, complimenting the light muscle tone that is in her legs and arms.

The faintest indication of abdominal muscles on her stomach.

A thin, light purple triangle on the soft mound between her legs...

"Come over here, Seo," I command... to which, of course, she obeys.

When she does, I pull her into me slightly, and I kiss her deeply on her lips. Her bright green eyes widen immediately. It is probably her first ever kiss by a female of that nature. I find my hands rubbing her back as it continues, and eventually her eyes begin to close slightly as a light blush of arousal fills her face.

"Are you getting aroused, Seo?" I ask as I smile.

With a deep blush, she nods.

"Well then... do not be shy. Let me see your arousal."

Unquestioningly, her doppelganger sits down on my bed... allowing me to see everything...

Slim...

Small...

But... perfect in every way...

So... perfect... it's...

"…!ǃ!"

I stifle my cry as one of my hands pinch one of my nipples, and my other hand's fingers rub my clitoris in a blur, causing the heat in me to overflow as my hips jerk upward repeatedly without me ordering them to... and along with it, feminine fluids release onto my fingers.

After what seems to be an eternity, but in actuality is likely little more than thirty seconds, I catch my breath as I recover on the bottom of the tub, legs far too weak to stand, and as I do, I realize what I just did.

I... masturbated. To a fantasy of Seo Akira.

Before I realized what was happening... my imagination ran wild.

I didn't even know I was doing it until I began thinking lewd thoughts of Seo, but my body did it as if I knew how to do it all along...

...How can so much pleasure be felt from just rubbing one specific place on the human body...?

It is strange. It still should not feel that good. It still did not feel as good as when Souka did it... but it still felt good, and in the back of my mind, I cannot help but wonder if any of the people I have been considering have done it before.

Hisui... almost certainly not. The girl is aware of her nature, and she is improving, but she is still very skittish and nervous, especially when it comes to herself. Kohaku must still be around her for her self-esteem to improve in certain situations, and the opposite sex is certainly one of those situations. Hisui is more at ease around other girls, but obviously, most girls do not casually talk of such things... at least, not to strangers. Girls who have known each other for years, on the other hand, seem to share every sordid detail of their love lives, for better or for worse.

Souka... almost certainly. If anyone is likely to have done this, it's her. If anything, she is likely to do it frequently and often... although I fail to see how, given how busy she is with various things. But I have no doubts that she does it. The girl was simply far too experienced with knowing what to do, where to touch, to not have direct, practical knowledge of these acts. She could read all my responses accurately, and knew full well I was about to orgasm... so to assume that she would not do these sorts of things would be a very gross mistake on my part.

Kohaku... likely. Almost certainly not while Otou-sama was... doing what he did, but when one is so used to sexual contact and it is withdrawn... one would presumably gain a craving for it. There has been, admittedly, a few times when I would go to her room to ask her something, and... heard things that made me think twice of asking her. It certainly picked up after a year ago... there was one night where she got particularly loud, and I was seriously a few moments away from storming to her bedroom door and yelling at her to keep it down when she mercifully stopped. It did not help that hearing it made my own body react somewhat, either...

Yumizuka-san... probably, and probably while thinking about Nii-san, but she would never admit it. Our teachers keep pushing into our head that these acts are common and normal for boys and girls, so any issues with it would be issues of morality, or of getting caught doing it. Given that Yumizuka-san has been wandering the streets for a year... well, she certainly would have found the time to engage in it. Whether she actually did or not, on the other hand, is difficult to say.

Hanei, and Seo... I am unsure. I would suspect Seo is starting to figure that out, but Hanei is so... pure, that it is hard to think of her doing such an activity. Then again... when I grabbed her breasts earlier, she did mumble to "do that harder," so it must indicate that on some level, she more than knows about it – she even welcomes it. Seo, though... well, I would only imagine that her hormones must be going wild; she is right in the middle of puberty, after all, and I know all too well that at that age, my body was whispering to me that it would be a good idea to have sex with Nii-san...

But... if any of them asked me to do this to them... I... I think I would.

My own curiosity is getting the best of me. Even now, as I am recovering my breath, I am wondering what it is fully like... why Souka was able to get aroused from doing it to me.

Why she, as she put it, came right after I did. From seeing how I reacted to it, according to her...

…...Could it be that pleasuring your partner fills one with a sense of pride and satisfaction? Knowing that you have sated their carnal, instinctual desires fully...?

A week and a half ago, that would have been unthinkable. But in that time, I have come to realize something important...

...Tohno Akiha's life is a brutal one, and a short one.

With all of the things that I do – keeping the night streets safe, having to check up on everywhere, and practically running the town in terms of supernatural beings – I should cherish every friend and every moment of closeness that I can get. As unlikely as it is, every time I go out there, it could be the night I die, and if I must die, I would rather die knowing I have had friends and lovers to do these things with, rather than being a bitter, angry, lonely soul at my death.

Not even Arcueid-san or Ciel-san can do that, ever since Nii-san entered their lives. They have found the importance of having one they love a long time ago, and now I am simply catching up, because it is only now I realized how important it would be to find someone else to love me in the ways that Nii-san cannot fulfill.

So, I will not worry about who would approve or disapprove of my lifestyle, unless it is someone important to me. Simply put, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Even if it is not Seo Akira – if she rejects me, or something else along those lines – then I know that pointlessly chasing after Nii-san is going to do little but leave me feeling unfulfilled and like I have pointlessly wasted my life. No, what I should be doing, ultimately, is finding someone.

Otou-sama may be right. Perhaps we may live alone, and we may die alone. But there is one key, critical factor that Otou-sama did not mention.

…...Time.

He never said we had to live alone for our whole lives. More importantly, even if he had, I would feel that he is wrong. There... are people out there who can understand these things, if you give them the news carefully.

The only thing I worry about, assuming that Seo Akira does agree to such a relationship... is that I will again worry about inversion. But if she accepts, I will just have to make a conscious effort to resist inversion. I should be able to if I really want to... so it should never be a problem.

I promise myself that for Seo Akira, Tohno Akiha will be as human as she can possibly be, and may I be thrice-damned if I cannot fulfill that promise.

I open my eyes, and pull away the hand that was rubbing between my legs. A thin, sticky fluid coats the fingers, stretching as I withdraw my hand from between my legs.

...My fluids.

The fluids of my passionate fantasy just now.

Of... thinking of Seo Akira, the girl whom I hope would accept my affections, and return them in kind.

...I blush at its sticky viscosity for a moment before pushing them under the flowing water, and lifting my crotch slightly so that the evidence of my selfish moment and thoughts wash down the drain, rinsed by the pure, hot water that strikes the sensitive skin.

I am quite certain the real Seo Akira would not react this way, and if she would... not this easily. That is why it was a fantasy... because in a fantasy, one can control the participants however they want, even if it is completely out of character for whatever the fantasy is.

The human mind is truly blessed to have such a capability. Of course... it is a blessing, and a curse, if it is not controlled through proper social norms. While it is okay to have such an image of Seo...

...Imagining it, and actually doing it, are two different things. Arguably, I would be breaking laws, due to Seo's age, but...

...Love is blind. One loves whom they love; rarely will persuasion, coercion, or other things affect or shake that love unless it is very obviously, immediately wrong. A father may love his daughter, but there is a difference between loving her as a daughter and loving her sexually, after all.

There is, I feel, nothing wrong or immoral with how I feel. It is not like Seo is a child. She is a young woman, as am I. As we all are. None of us are adults, and myself, Hanei, and Souka will not be for three more years. Seo will be a legal adult in a little over four, as she will be 16 in January.

So... if I want someone... then... I guess she is the right one... if she wants to be...

Having caught my breath and returned to somewhat of a state of normalcy, I stand up after making sure my genitalia are cleansed, and resume washing. I have taken even more time now...

* * *

...This sort of thinking. It is wrong. It is perverted.  
And yet... it is also human nature to have these thoughts.  
Well, as long as it remains a fantasy, I suppose it is okay...

* * *

Next Week (6/19/11) – Chapter 55: "10,800 Seconds of Eternity"


	56. 10,800 Seconds of Eternity

Chapter 55: "10,800 Seconds of Eternity"

* * *

"Akiha-sama! Toast!" Hisui calls out as I race down the hallway to the lobby, still stuffing the top of my uniform into the hem of its skirt.

I race over to the dining room towards her, to find her holding it in a small paper bag. She stands her ground, even as the white-and-blue demon races towards her with an intent fire in her eyes.

Hisui was smart. She had a feeling that I would be taking a quick shower at best, so she prepared something quick for breakfast. Admittedly, toast is not very much of a breakfast, but it is quickly and easily prepared, and it will feed me until I can have a more substantial lunch...

...With Seo Akira.

"Thank you, Hisui!" I grab the small bag of toast from her, as well as my lunch. It was not wrapped very much - she and I both know I will eat it in the limousine on a day like this. "Forgive me for being rude!" I rush to the lobby.

"It is okay, Akiha-sama. And good luck!"

I quickly step into my shoes, and run out the door towards where Ishizaki is waiting in the limousine. The passenger door is open, and he is nowhere to be seen... meaning he is waiting in the front seat.

As I quickly get into the car, I see him looking my direction. As soon as he visually recognizes me, he hits the gas pedal. The limousine begins to zip off before I shut the door... or, for that matter, before my other foot even fully leaves the ground.

* * *

...The realization of what she just said only really comes to me after I sit in the limousine and it has pulled away from the mansion, as I am biting into my first piece of toast.

"…...Good luck?"

...She could not have possibly known... could she? No, there is no way.

Hisui is surely just assuming that due to my late waking, that I must be in a rush, and I suppose this would normally be true. Usually, I am awake without a need for Hisui to awaken me, but of course, she will check regardless, as is her job.

So, to find Tohno Akiha sleeping deeply, as she had this morning, is fairly unusual. Admittedly, it is not the first occurrence of something like this, but it is also not very common.

It does not take too long to make such a breakfast, either, I muse over as I look at my toast. Lightly browned, and buttered. The butter may be a tad bit unhealthy, but then again, everything that tastes good is bad for you, and everything that tastes bad will make you live until you are a hundred and twenty.

But no... Hisui should not have assumed anything. That... that is just my imagination going wild, and making me jump to conclusions, and obviously imagine things that are ridiculously baseless in reality.

...Maybe she sensed that I was in a rush due to it being a general, important event.

Yes. That must be it. Of course that is it. She could tell by my actions and quick shower that I have something important to do, so she wished me good luck as she would be apt to do, really. She has no knowledge of what I need this luck for.

...Perhaps it is good if she did not. I still do not if she would approve of me having Seo as a girlfriend, personally...

The only person who should really know my feelings for Seo are myself and Sion, because Sion entered my mind.

...Unless Sion...

…...No, that is silly. Sion would only tell something like _**THAT**_ if she absolutely had to. After all, unless she finds some other, external means of curing herself, I essentially hold her in the palm of my hand while our branches are working on developing the cure. Though it is likely that she may find it herself without my intervention, having the help of the Tohno is certainly a boon to one such as herself, for we can move where she cannot, connect with people she cannot, and obtain various materials that she cannot.

...Could Yumizuka-san have told her? It is possible, but... unlikely. Yumizuka-san would not want to start such a rift in our household. If anything, she wants to spend time with Nii-san...

Even though a part of me, for some reason, says "If Yumizuka-san came to me with those sorts of needs, I would be more than happy to soothe them..."

I shake my head. Really... when did I begin to turn into such a... perverted freak? I went from knowing only textbook definitions of sex, to dreaming of girls in my sleep, to masturbating in the shower, fantasizing over Seo...

…...And that is not even counting what happened with Souka, and what may have happened with Nii-san and Yumizuka-san.

Sex is a dangerous, powerful thing. It is simultaneously something of pleasure, and of pain; disgusting, and yet beautiful; the ruiner of lives and the creator of them. No more potent weapon is known to man.

...And yet, it is something that, ultimately, we all want and desire. We are genetically predisposed to it. Continuation of the human species is a necessity, and so, we are all compelled to seek out a mate, to breed, and programmed to step aside when our more useful, youthful, mating years are then behind us.

The process, of course, is aging, and the end result is death.

Upon birth, we each owe a death. There is no getting around this. Even those who would be "immortal" eventually will cease someday.

"…...Why am I thinking such things?"

No... this is not the time to be thinking these. I... I should be thinking about happier things.

...Such as lunch.

Today, I shall talk to Seo Akira again.

And hopefully... find a way to bring this up.

* * *

"Thank you, Ishizaki!" It is all I can do to shout as he pulls in, with me opening the door even before the limousine stops. I practically leap out of the door, and as soon as I gain my footing and my balance, I begin to run towards the school building, holding my bag against my body with one had as I glance nervously at the watch on my left wrist.

8:57 AM, it says.

Three minutes to run perhaps 250 yards, up four flights of stairs, and then another 100 or so yards to my classroom...

…...I can do it.

These shoes are not made for running, but that is just what they are doing. I have no choice. Walking would get me there at 9:05 AM or so and that would lead to a berating, and probably having to do something over the lunch period, and the _**LAST**_ place I want to be during lunch, today, of all days, is where Seo Akira is not.

"...Hah... hah... hah..."

I check the watch again as I reach the doorway of the building. 8:58 AM. I turn the corner to the stairwell in record time, taking them twice at a time, thankful that my dancing lessons have both kept my body limber and flexible, and that it has granted me an acute awareness of proprioception.

I pant laboriously, my lungs demanding that I stop and gulp air hungrily, and my legs scream for me to ease up a bit. Even though I am fit, even lightly athletic, I am seriously straining my body in order to make it on time. That body is unused to such a sudden effort, without mental preparation or digging into my darker half, at any rate.

But I cannot. Anything slower than the fastest I can go will make me late...

Up the flights of stairs. Start to run down the hallway. 8:59 AM.

My heart is knocking inside of my breast. It feels like it wants to burst from my chest.

The chimes begin sounding as I am six doors down from my classroom. My eyes widen and I redouble my efforts, gritting my teeth and even narrowing my eyes as I make the final strides in six steps, as I enter the classroom before the second set of chimes begin.

_**"I'M HERE, PLEASE DON'T MARK ME LATE!"**_ exclaims the panting, slightly sweaty form of Tohno Akiha.

Everyone in the classroom, Minowa-sensei included, look at me as I stand in the doorway, completely out of breath and exhausted. Several pairs of eyes blink.

"...Even though you still have five minutes, with the way you came in like that, considering how hard you had to have pushed yourself to do it, I'll give you a break, Tohno-san." She blinks.

...Oh. That's right. Students have five minutes to get to class when they hear the chimes, if it is the start of the day or lunchtime...

…...Tohno Akiha, you idiot.

Sheepishly, the best I can manage to do is bow slightly, move my bangs that have spilled into my face, and sit in my seat, attempting to keep a thimbleful of dignity.

* * *

I can feel my tongue rubbing my upper lip ever so slightly as I work out this math problem. Math is probably my worst subject of all, although that is not saying very much. I am well-versed in it, after all; I have to be in order to keep the family's pocketbooks in order.

However, the difficulty is even higher because my mind is not fully focused on this problem.

I am thinking about where I will be going, very shortly. To a place I want to be, in comparison to this stuffy, cramped classroom, which is honestly the last place that I want to be right now.

No, I want to sit outside, under the shade of a tree with falling leaves, and enjoy the cool breezes that will be among the last that will be enjoyable for some months ahead.

And I want to enjoy them with Seo Akira.

I glance up at the clock. 11:52 AM.

…...That's all...? Only 11:52?

...Time is not supposed to move that slowly...

Eight minutes. Eight minutes until I can grab my bag and run for that tree. The tree in the central compound where I will meet Seo.

...Because I have something important to tell her today. I do not know if she will accept it, but that is not my choice. That is hers, and hers alone, but I still want to make my feelings known.

...I am getting nervous. A quick glance at my hair shows the very tips are starting to get red. I breathe deeply and sharply once to try to clear my head of my thought for now, and focus on the problem.

After I think it over for a few minutes, I put it my pencil down with a sigh. It should be correct... I think...? My work looks correct, even though it takes up about half of the page.

I check the time again. My old enemy tells me that it is 11:56.

Hurry up! Those bells cannot ring soon enough... I look impatiently out the window, turning back to the clock after what feels like a year later.

11:57. "Three minutes left, everyone." The voice of Minowa-sensei. I walk to the front and hand it in.

I glare at the clock. It is my most hated enemy right now, and there is not a thing I can do to hurry it along. Each second somehow seems to take days to pass.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Hurry up! Can't you see I have someone waiting on you advancing!

...11:58. Argh...!

"Minowa-sensei, can I please be excused a few minutes early so I can use the bathroom?" I fidget in my seat as if I had to go very badly.

Minowa-sensei simply shrugs. "You handed in your work, Tohno-san. I have no reason to–"

I leap to my feet and run out the door.

"—keep you..."

* * *

"...Hah... hah... hah..."

I am panting hard as I race for the courtyard. I already know I will want to spend every second that I can with Seo normally... especially since I am going to confess my feelings.

Feelings that, until I really sat down and analyzed them, I did not even know that I had, to be honest.

The actual truth is... that there was a reason that I seemed to enjoy torturing her. Certainly, part of it was due to that... other side... but there was more to it than that.

It seemed to be almost... affectionate. The sort of teasing that one does to someone whom they have actual feelings for. And I did state she was, more often than not, my favorite person to pick on, if only because it was fairly easy to do.

And yet, despite that... the girl did look up to me. Admire me. While others, such as Shijyou Tsukasa, seem to view me with derision and hatred, Seo Akira seemed almost... pleased to be working with me on projects, or even in my presence.

Though, admittedly, that got much deeper after Nii-san had rescued her from that fraud. After that, it was "Shiki-san" this and "Shiki-san" that, and constantly asking me to send him messages – a request I was, admittedly, sure to grant if I had my fun torturing her for that day.

After all, I never would deliver the prattle of a schoolgirl without some kind of payment, would I?

And so, for a few months, I became essentially the middlewoman between her and Nii-san. It was an innocent correspondence, really, and I had to admit that the fact that he saved her life would definitely explain the admiration for him.

...Then, the accident happened.

And Seo Akira was one of the first ones to visit.

Normally, it is easy to tease the girl because of her ever-pleasant demeanor, her admittedly cute pouting, and her reactions to small indignities.

That day, I took one look at the girl who entered Nii-san's hospital room, and my heart immediately wrenched in my chest, as if something had grabbed my heart and squeezed. The look of sadness, of depression, on her face was so obvious that I felt bad for doing my usual routine, to the point that I actually stopped it for a short while – leading her to a not-quite-inaccurate diagnosis that I, too, was depressed.

Things slowly recovered, and so did our relationship. Seo Akira matured a fair bit over the summer break, and she had even grown slightly. But she was, to me, still a child in a lot of ways.

…...Then I called her out on her doujinshi, and received an absolutely scourging riposte. One that Otou-sama would have been proud of... had I delivered it.

The problem is, I had not. It had been a fifteen year old girl, who had cowed me into complete and utter submission to her incredible force of will.

Otou-sama would have certainly yelled at me for several days over showing a sign of weakness like that. The Tohno are supposed to be superior in almost every way, especially to someone who is but a human.

The thing is... I do not think like that. I cannot be a demon in a human's skin, unlike Otou-sama. He may have been a pure-bred Tohno, born of two full demons…...

…...But I am not. And thus, I could not help but be awed by the sudden transformation that Seo Akira underwent.

In retrospect, it was the day I stopped looking at – and treating – Seo Akira like a child, and began to respect her as someone who could stand on her own two feet.

…...It was the day that I began to fall in love with her, I would guess.

I feel almost stupid for not realizing it really. My mind... it wanted the others because they had other appealing qualities.

Hanei... her beauty. Hanei is a very physically attractive woman; anyone who saw her would not deny that, and although she is not quite as mentally bright as some, Misawa Hanei is far from an idiot, and certainly is not a fool. She would be, however, easily be duped into doing things, or forceful personalities, as the girl simply cannot bring it on herself to refuse someone's request... unless it is from her parents, whom she avoids as if they were the plague for reasons I have never gotten her to explain.

Souka... her ambition. A neo-bohemian, of sorts. A woman of high social standing whom, despite what her parents tried to instill in her, actively rejects that sort of lifestyle and believes fully in living by her own rules. While I could not bring myself to eat something disgusting, such as prepackaged ramen, Tsukihime Souka will – and I have seen her doing so on more than one occasion, always amused when I ask how she can eat it. The answer is simple: For her, she is simply happy as long as she has her choices and her freedom; she is just as happy eating an expensive meal as much as a mere hamburger.

Yumizuka-san... her actions. Despite her disease, a disease so horrible that it would drive most insane with grief, she refused to give in and believe she was a monster. She wanted to be human so badly that, by sheer force of will, she actually kept her humanity, and she wanted all of the simplest things – food, shelter, and safety – and I was able to provide her with all three. Thus, I have earned her loyalty very fast, especially since I have allowed her access to Nii-san – and when one has everything they want, you are sure to get maximum performance and loyalty from them.

But Seo... Seo was different.

Seo was the girl who grew from a child to a young woman before my eyes, allowing me the privilege of watching her blossom. The girl who, a year ago, cared for little other than drawing and sweets, has become a young woman who is proud of her talents, and is more studious and serious, thinking on adult terms, and able to decide for herself what she would and would not stand for.

So when she put her foot down, I knew the days of Seo Akira being a mere child were over, even if I could not consciously realize the fact due to my mind reeling from what she had said.

Even my dream about her... no raw sexual energy to it, unlike those. The closest it got were a few kisses and me glancing at her rear... hardly overtly sexual. No dragging me off to bedrooms. No having me grope her.

Just... a highly intimate kiss right at the end. The sort of kiss that one would give to a true lover, to someone whom was important...

…...And an equal.

I swallow hard to clear my dry throat, and interrupt my thoughts to look at my watch. 12:02. Damn it! Can't my legs move any fas—

_**"KUHHHHHHHH!"**_

_**"OOOOFFFFFF!"**_

I am sent sprawling when something runs hard into me. My shoulder takes the brunt of my impact as I land and skid a short distance, and I get up once I realize I'm flat on my back. My shoulder hurts a bit now, but that's nothing compared to how bad this person is about to hurt if they're not already injured...

"...HEY, WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" I storm over to the girl who ran into me, my fists clenched as I almost stomp over to her. I'm sure to lose a few more minutes berating this idiot who somehow couldn't even see or hear me running, but this is a lesson that—

…...…...Purple hair.

…...No. No, no, no, no, no.

My throat suddenly becomes very dry. I swallow hard, and flip her over. Don't be who I think this is. Be Shijyou. Be anybody but her.

...A blankly-staring, stunned kouhai I know quite well by now.

…...Fuck.

"Damn it... hey, come on, snap out of it Seo!" I give her a good hard shake and a light slap or two to her cheeks to snap her out of her daze. After the cheek slaps, her head shudders slightly and her eyes begin to focus in my direction.

I hold up three fingers with my left hand. "How many fingers am I holding up, Seo?ǃ"

"...Mmmmmmmmmm…... eight...?" She blinks. Her green irises are narrow rims surrounding the wide, black pupils.

I look at my hand. It definitely is not eight. It is three.

...Terrific. I've given my kouhai a concussion. Just fucking great!

I kick myself mentally. This was _**NOT**_ my idea of a proper greeting.

"…...So much for our lunch plans this week..." I mutter bitterly to myself as I sigh and look at what has happened from our collision. My bag has flung a bit far, near where I landed. Hers is, likewise, near us, where she landed. Some papers are scattered to and fro, and the distinct packaging of a bento box shows that she was all but ready to meet with me... although this is not the way either of us had planned.

I say things that would make Kohaku's skin crawl to myself, mentally, as I begin to carefully pick up Seo's papers before placing them inside of her bag, putting them inside the first folder that I can find. I pick up our bags with one arm, and hoist her over my shoulder with the other.

This would normally be a difficult weight for someone my size... I only weigh about four kilograms more than Seo, so I am essentially doubling my weight to carry her to the Nurse's office, and indeed, I have to carry two bags in one hand as well as use both arms to support her on my shoulder - one that is wrapping around her back, and the one that carries the bags a bit above her knees, on the backs of her thighs.

At this point however, I have angered myself enough that the adrenaline surging through me gives me an extra bit of strength to tap into. With this strength, and me holding onto her carefully, I am able to walk with Seo over my shoulder.

I blush as I realize just how close my hand is to my rear, but I force the thoughts from my head and just focus on bringing us to the nurse's office.

Every step along the way, I curse myself, using words that I would never permit out of my mouth in normal circumstances... or, for that matter, in abnormal ones.

I was in so much of a rush to talk to her... and apparently she was in such a rush to do the same, that we never even saw the other, colliding like two cars. Or more accurately, like a car and a tractor-trailer.

If only I would have watched where I were going, I would not be walking into the room labeled "Nurse's Office." How could I be that blind...?ǃ

"...Where we goin'...?" Seo Akira groggily asks.

"…...The nurse's office," I tell her. "Just stay there and do not move your head very much."

I get no response, but I feel her somewhat grab onto me a little tighter.

I cannot help but note with dark irony that just 24 hours ago I was leaving this very same office from almost the same thing...

...And that I have been in this office near lunchtime three times in the last three days.

Not a record to be proud of, to be sure...

* * *

...Idiot. Blind, stupid idiot!  
How the hell are you going to ask her about this now?ǃ  
You'll be lucky if she doesn't just punch you for this!

* * *

Next Week (6/26/11) – Chapter 56: "Cordis Confessione"


	57. Cordis Confessione

Chapter 56: "Cordis Confessione"

* * *

I do not feel very much like eating as I watch the nurse wrap Seo's head and put an ice pack into it. I am holding an ice pack to my shoulder, as well.

I have since figured out that I struck her with the shoulder I landed on, which is why it is hurting a fair deal. It suffered two sharp impacts in about two seconds. My body may be rather strong, but it had a 40-kilogram missile hurtle face-first into it, and then it took the entire weight of a 45-kilogram body impacting into the ground on it, with violent force.

A mixture of feelings are surging through me as I watch the bandages be wrapped. Her eyes have focused considerably better, so it was thankfully only a light concussion, but...

…...The simple fact is that I am the one who gave it to her.

And that is making me hate myself, and verbally give such a searing rebuke to myself that if anyone could hear my inner thoughts, they would probably consider it verbal abuse.

"How are you feeling, Seo-san?" The nurse asks her.

"...Dizzy..." She lifts her head up a bit so that the nurse can wrap them around the rear of her head.

"Well, it's a good thing you ran into who you did, honestly. You should thank Tohno-san for bringing you here." She says with a slight smile.

...Right, like that is supposed to make me feel better. Are you going to have any more choice wisdom to impart onto her at my expense, you hideous...!

"...Tohno-senpai's here?" she asks, making an effort to sit up, perhaps a little bit too quickly, and forcing me to abandon my self-criticism.

"Please, Seo-san!" The nurse admonishes her. "Do not move so quickly!" She supports her for a moment, moving her into more of a sitting position, since it is apparent that Seo will not stay still.

"...Yes," I state, upon which she turns her head to face me. "We... ran into each other, actually. So... this is partially my fault, Seo, for which I apologize."

"...Jeez... are your bones made of steel...?" Her still slightly unfocused eyes look to me, and I can tell that her brain is recovering.

...It makes me look away a bit, though.

If I had been paying attention... any attention at all, instead of being focused of running and checking my watch... I would have seen her. If I had seen her, I would not have run into her. If I had not run into her, this accident would not have happened. If this accident would not have happened, we would be eating our lunches under that tree in the courtyard right now, and not holding ice packs to our bodies in the nurse's office!

And to answer her question... no, but they are a bit stronger than a normal human's bones... as I have found out from the sorts of impacts that it takes to break them. Usually the level of pressure that would cause a human bone to crumble into dust. Of course, that assumes that I am inverted... if not, it is perhaps only fairly more strong than a regular human bone.

"...Guess we were both in a rush, huh?" She turns her head to look at me slightly, and smiles as best as she can.

"I suppose so... if we are to share lunch, it is not going to be very good if I am accidentally injuring you, is it?"

"Probably not." She laughs slightly, which makes me smile, even though I am displeased with myself.

Hearing her laugh... well, at least with that I know she will get better. The injuries are not too serious, then, and probably with a day or two of rest, she should sufficiently recover.

Seo will be fine, but I still feel bad. If I had been looking up I might have seen her. Instead, I was in such a blind rush to get to our meeting spot that I never saw her coming.

However, there is also the fact that she was in such a similar rush to meet me that she, too, was not watching where she was going.

Impatience and love. The two deadliest weapons we have, and humanity did not even need to create them. They are inherent in us all.

"...Well, it is certainly not under a tree, but do you feel well enough to eat, Seo? I have the bag your lunch is in... at least, I think that is what this is..."

"Yeah, that's my lunch, Tohno-senpai. Let me see if I can sit up more fully..." She sticks her legs out over the side of the bed and, using her arms, sits up very carefully. "...Yeah, I feel okay enough, I guess. Still a little dizzy."

"Well, if you feel dizzy again, lay down again." I hand over her bag.

"Yeah." She opens up her bag and fishes out a small bento box.

...Quite small, now that I think about it. I mean... surely, she does not want to get fat – what girl does? - But at the same time... she needs to have a good amount of calories, portion sizes, and nutrition in order to be able to grow.

It is no wonder the girl seems to indulge so much whenever we are all sharing snacks or a meal... it seems that whomever is packing these lunches, they are possibly not providing her with enough. Even a girl sometimes wants a meal that will fill her stomach until she feels ready to burst at the seams.

"...For someone who loves to eat, you sure have a small bento, Seo." I comment.

"Ah, heh... well, Dad worries about me getting fat. He says he wants me to remain pretty because he's sure I'll find someone soon." She shrugs. "Though I admit I don't know why he's kind of rushing things a little... Dad's a little old-fashioned like that, I guess. It's not like those sorts of things matter. I mean, I'm cute no matter what, right? And I got a pretty good metabolism, so..." She finishes her sentence with a shrug – a gesture that, as I learned from Souka, more or less means "Does it matter?" in this case.

...Not that Seo is particularly fat. Or fat at all for that matter. Indeed, the girl never really seems to put on weight, despite her seemingly endless appetite.

…...Then again, she is still in the prime of her growth spurt. All of that energy spent growing means that it takes considerably more calories in order to fuel that growth.

She opens her bento, and begins eating, albeit a little carefully. Seeing her eat makes my stomach stop feeling ill from worry that I injured her too greatly.

...Although I still feel like a fool for colliding with her like that.

It is not like me at all to do something like that so... blindly, so stupidly. I am very thorough; I never make a rushed decision. Everything I weigh on is calculated carefully, as Otou-sama taught me to be very thorough.

Or as Souka once put it, "Gee, you never do anything half-assed, do ya, Tohno?"

Well no, I do not. I make sure. I check twice. Thrice, even, on very important decisions. So the fact that I was in just such... a blind rush to get to Seo is really something out of the ordinary.

"...On the bright side, Tohno-senpai..." She catches my attention by speaking up. "...The fact we were both rushing means we both really wanted to see each other today, huh?" She offers a slight smile, even through what must be a surely nasty headache and an aching body.

...Perhaps she can sense that I am beating myself up over what has happened, and is trying to defuse my mood? It would not surprise me. The girl is like a cat in that regard... able to read my moods very well. Seo Akira has a knack for not being around when I am in a bad mood. It is why I had to entrap her like I did, in order to get the truthful information on that doujinshi...

…...Although, in that case, it was more like humble pie being shoved down my throat.

"It does... do... you have a reason you were in such a rush, though?" I ask of her.

"...A reason? Well, yeah, I mean, I wanted to see you." She offers. "It's Wednesday, and we made a promise, didn't we...?"

"...Besides that, I mean." I swallow slightly nervously, but I do my best to hide the nervous nature of the swallow. "One would usually not take lunch with their senpai with such enthusiasm, that one crashes into someone like a wrecking ball."

"...Well... yeah... after we talked on Sunday, I thought a few things over, and... I wanted to ask you something, Tohno-senpai."

"...What, did what I already tell you not suffice?" I blink.

"No, it did... it's just..." She sighs. "...It feels like you're not saying something, like you're holding something back from me..."

...I swallow hard once more. It is slightly painful as I had food in my mouth when my throat suddenly went dry.

"_She knows,"_ I hear a voice whisper in my head. _"She knows. She knows. She knows. She knows you are falling in love with her, and now she is going to call you out on it, just you watch..."_

To remedy this, I drink some water from my bottle, with a slightly shaky hand.

"Well... that depends on what you want to know, Seo," I say as I set the bottle down, avoiding the question a little. It also serves to narrow down her possibilities, by forcing her to be a little more specific.

"...I want to know what you think of me, Tohno-senpai." She says it so clearly that there cannot be any mistaking it.

Well. So much for managing to avoid the question. Or, for that matter, calming myself down. For once, I curse my educated guess.

"...Why do you ask, Seo?" I attempt to further delay the inevitable.

"...Well... over the last week or two... you've been a lot closer to me than we usually are, Tohno-senpai. I mean, a year ago when I made first-year, I heard you were this demon and it was best not to cross you... so I kept an eye out for you. And they were right..."

...Luckily for the campus, they mean demon in the figurative sense... although they have no idea how right they are.

A demon. Tohno Akiha is a demon. The blood of a demon runs in her veins. Her body's strength is augmented by it. Physically, mentally, and endurance-wise, she can be far stronger than any normal human female, or for that matter, a normal male... if she gives in to it. If not, the abilities are sharply reduced...

...And a demon cannot love.

…...So why do I love Seo Akira?

I still do not truly, really know why. I know I have these feelings for her, yes... and that nominally it is because she is so different from me... but it seems like that is only part of the answer. I know some of the factors... my loneliness, my desire to experience it, a multitude of things...

...But I do not have one single answer, to which I can say "This is why I feel this way," and put the issue of "why" behind me and simply get on to the business of loving her so.

I am a rational person. I think things through before I do them. And yet...

…...I'm... about to say those words, aren't I...?

Aren't I…...?

"…...…Seo."

"...Yeah, Tohno-senpai?"

"...What I am about to say to you... I do not know how you will react to it. So... if I say it, I want you to promise me you will not react to it until after I am gone."

"...Not react to it until you are gone...? Is... this a bad thing you have to say, Tohno-senpai...?" Her voice takes on a worried tone.

"...Honestly? I do not know, Seo. It... depends on what you think about it." I wrap up my lunch, putting the remainder of it back away, since I have lost my appetite, and once I say those words, I want to make a hasty exit.

"Well, I don't know what I'll think of it until you say it, right?" She looks at me.

"Of course not. But... whatever your reaction is to this, whether it is good, bad, or indifferent, I want you to promise me that you will not hold me at fault for it." I do my very best to hide the fear that is surging through my body, with a voice louder than "his" screaming at me to do anything, _**ANYTHING**_, but tell her the truth.

It seems that when one demon that was freed from Tohno Akiha's soul, it has been replaced by another.

A demon named "Doubt."

Doubt that I am doing the right thing. Doubt that it is going to go well. Doubt that I will be able to keep the same relationship with Seo Akira that I have enjoyed, more or less, up until now.

Doubt, because the words I am about to say are dangerous language. They are not light words. They are words that will either build bridges...

…...Or burn them.

"...Uh... okay... then... what is it...?" The nervousness on Seo Akira grows with every second. She looks like she wants to be any place but here. That makes two of us. Every cell in my body is screaming to call it off, to not be a fool, to just write it off as some silly moment of weakness...

"...I will have to leave right after I say it. Are you sure...?" I ask, doing my best to control the light shaking of my body that I can feel... which is doing nothing but making it shake harder.

"...Leave? Why?" Her eyes grow even more wide with concern.

"You will understand once I say it. Y, yes or no...?"

"...I don't like how this sounds, Tohno-senpai..." She looks a little worried, almost like she wants to cry.

Damn you... don't use that look...

"...Then I will be brief."

"...Okay..." I can see her mentally bracing for what she's about to hear. This does not make it any easier.

With a sharp sigh, I say the words that could potentially change our relationship forever – for better or for worse, is up to the whims of whatever deities are holding sway over us.

"...I think I love you, Seo."

And I immediately walk out of the room, not even stopping to check her expression.

* * *

Viewpoint: Seo Akira

* * *

All I can do is sit there, stunned, at what she said, long after she has walked out. My throat is way too dry to speak.

My lips mouth the words. "...Love... you...?"

...Love me? Love me...?

Her lips... unless I got conked on the head really hard, I'm sure that's what they said...

Did I hear her right...? Or is it the concussion making me hear things...? I can't be so sure...

I swallow hard to make my throat wet, so I can actually breathe and speak. "...Sensei?"

"Hm? Yes, Seo-san?" She looks towards me. "Is everything alright? Did you enjoy lunch with Tohno-san?"

"...Yeah, but... did you hear what Tohno-senpai just said? I'm not sure if I heard it correctly..."

"Not really, though it did seem she had to leave quickly. Did she have to be somewhere suddenly...?"

"...Well, no, but we were discussing something... and I'm not sure if it was my imagination or smacking my head that made me hear it..." I lightly push on the ice pack under my bandages and wince as pain shoots into my head.

"Well, what'd she say?" She blinks.

...If I'm correct, she said "I think I love you, Seo." But... that's so unlike Tohno-senpai, that I can't even really be sure of whether that's what she actually said.

...Well, I'd rather not put words in her mouth in case she didn't...

"Uh, I'll worry about it, I guess... nevermind, Sensei."

"...Alright then, Seo-san. If you're feeling better, you can return to class, though you took a pretty nasty bump, so if you want to go to your dorm room, you can do that too."

"...I probably will. I still feel a little dizzy." Well, I do... partially from the bump...

...But, I also really want to think this over.

If I'm not imagining it, and I heard her correctly, she said "I think I love you, Seo."

...Even though I'm a girl? This coming from Tohno-senpai who said she didn't like girls that way, of all people?

…...Why would Tohno-senpai say something like that to me...? Especially given everything that's happened...? That makes no sense...

None of this makes sense, really. I mean, ever since a week ago, she's been acting really, really weird... we had lunch occasionally, and okay, maybe our lunch last week was just to make up and bury the hatchet, but then there was stuff like her being in those clothes, and eating a hot dog...

...Was that a lie? Is she not sure herself if she likes them or not? And even if she does... why me? She loves to pick on me. You don't love people you pick on, right...?

Well... maybe you do if that's just the sort of person you are. But someone like Tohno-senpai...? Nah. That's not her at all. She's so... formal, and structured, and stern. Picking on me isn't really showing me love, it's probably more like just her kinda blowing off steam. I can understand that, I guess...

...But then again, that's changed a bit over the last year. She's picked on me less over the last six months or so, and over the last week or so I guess we got pretty friendly... and sometimes I think that her picking on me is a way to show she likes me... the logic's weird, but if you really think about it, it kinda makes sense, I guess...

...And I wouldn't even be here right now if she didn't save my life last weekend. If she hadn't shouted, I probably would've been clocked by that thing. I'd be a dead girl.

And, as dad told me once, "Dead girls can't smile."

But... for a change like that to happen so quickly... did something happen to her? People don't usually just change personalities like that. And she didn't hit her head, either, so it's not like she can blame it on a concussion, like I can...

...So if something happened... then what? Did she have an argument with Shiki-san or something...?

…...On second thought, no. Those two seem to always get along. Tohno-senpai is rarely cross if Shiki-san is there, too.

But what would cause her to do that...? Tohno-senpai doesn't give an inch in anything, and she'd never say something lightly...

Is it... is it because I apologized? Is it because of that weird thing she did with her hair? Is it because I pointed out that guy who was looking at Hanei-san?

I mean, sure, the stupid doujin thing was totally my fault, and I blew up at her over it... it was stupid and dumb, and we both felt bad about it. We made up. Lunch with her was admittedly nice, too. Then to find her Sunday dressed in that stuff, and spending time with her...

...It was fun. I could have done without nearly getting killed, of course, but other than that, it was fun.

Seeing Tohno-senpai like that... so different from herself... I don't know if she'd ever admit it, but I think she liked getting out of her routine, even if it was just for that one day. I think that it kinda fits her that every so often, she does something weird like that. Like, even her mind says "Enough is enough, and it's time for a change!"

So... maybe her saying "I think I love you" is part of one of these changes? That she's testing the waters, maybe..? I could see that, but... why me?

Then again, what kind of love is it, now that I think about it? Is it friend love? I mean, that sort of thing definitely exists. In a friendly way, I guess I do kinda love Tohno-senpai, and Hanei-san, and Souka-san, and all of my own classmates, friends, and my roommate. There's nothing wrong, or weird, or immoral about that.

...But is that the kind of love that Tohno-senpai would associate with that word? Tohno-senpai isn't the kind to make that sort of distinction, I think. No, to her... love would be... actual love. A desire to physically be with someone. A person who is there to share in all of the good and the bad of her life, someone who would know all of her secrets... including, apparently, those few that I found out.

The one thing about Tohno-senpai is that she seems to be the type who generally prefers to be left alone most of the time. Which is fine... I mean, some people like to be surrounded by friends and stuff, and some people are quiet and just like to curl up with a good book, or maybe go on the internet or something. There's nothing weird with any of that...

...But the problem is, if that means what I think it does, Tohno-senpai said that she thought she loved someone.

...Me.

And I can't understand that at all.

That's so typical of Tohno-senpai. I think I've figured her out, and then she throws me a curveball.

I don't get what would make her say something like that. It's not typical of her. It's not typical of Tohno-senpai at all. And I can't really figure this out with my head pounding like this...

Maybe if I go lay down for a little while, and have a nap, I'll feel better. Then I can think it over more carefully, too... at the very least, I should try to figure out if Tohno-senpai means a platonic, friendship love...

…...Or a romantic love. Which will be... kinda awkward... I mean, I haven't even had a relationship like that with a boy yet... and, well, the one boy I'd kind of like to do that with, I would probably get killed by Tohno-senpai for even thinking of trying, so it's best not to write my own obituary.

...I put the cover back on my half-eaten lunch, and bag it up.

"Thank you for watching over me, sensei." I carefully hop off of the bed. "Sorry to bother you." I begin to put all of my things inside of my bag, making sure that all of my books and papers are inside of it.

"It's just my job," she says with a bit of a laugh. "Please rest up, Seo-san. Tomorrow's another day. If you're still feeling dizzy or have severe headaches, though, please come visit me before you go to your classes."

"I will. Thank you, sensei," I tell her as I leave, and begin walking to the first-year dorms.

…...Tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel much better, and I should be fine as long as I don't clock my head like that again. A little rest... maybe a good bath... and I'll feel as good as new. I'm sure of it.

"…_...But tomorrow, I don't have lunch with Tohno-senpai,"_ I think to myself as I walk out of the nurse's office.

* * *

...I need to think this over carefully.  
Tohno-senpai... why would she say that?  
And more importantly... what should I say to her...?

* * *

Next Week (7/3/11) – Chapter 57: "Two Sides of the Sword"


	58. Two Sides of the Sword

Chapter 57: "Two Sides of the Sword"

* * *

Viewpoint: Seo Akira

* * *

I flop down on my bed in my dorm as I sigh restlessly up at the ceiling.

Hearing Tohno-senpai say those things... well, I think she said them, but even as my headache and dizziness is going away, those words aren't leaving my mind even as those are.

"_I think I love you, Seo."_

...It's still a shock. To think that of all the girls who I'd never dare to say something like that to me, that it was the one who topped the list that actually did it.

Even though she did, though... I still don't know _**WHY**_ she did.

I mean... yeah, okay, I had that vision. It was a nice vision, and nice to draw, but that doesn't mean anything, does it?

…...Does it?

...What would cause her to say something like that? I mean... I'm really a kid still...

Not just in age, but... kinda in how I act, too. She sometimes nags me to act my age. Which makes little sense, because don't most teenagers act like how I do? Besides, she's only a little bit older that me... not quite my mom.

...Still, I don't see Tohno-senpai saying that to just anyone. She doesn't get too close to anyone in the first place. I guess it wouldn't be wrong to say that me, Hanei-san, and Souka-san are the few people that Tohno-senpai can really call friends in the usual way.

Not only that, I'm not the kind of person Tohno-senpai would like at all. She's so formal that she can be almost snobby or stuffy at times. That's not the type of person who would really like a girl like me. I'm too... well, goofy, I guess?

I mean... bit by bit, I am growing up. I'm getting a little taller, a little curvier. It's not just a body thing, because my body's still changing. Mentally I'm changing, too. I guess I'm kinda beginning to grow up a little.

I guess she just finds it... difficult to let that all go at once like I can, I guess. Tohno-senpai and I have totally different personalities, because we were raised differently, so it's no wonder. We all do, really.

Tohno-senpai is the serious one, our taskmaster. She can keep us all in check, on task, and focused. She'll guarantee that whatever we're supposed to be doing will not only get done on time, but it'll also be done the best that we can make it. For her, anything less than the best humanly possible won't do.

Souka-san is a bit of a rebel, but she's a good team player as long as you don't ask her to be excessively formal or anything like that. Souka-san and formality are kind of like oil and water. But I kinda like her independent attitude. If there's one girl who's best-suited to life, I guess I'd say it'd be Souka-san.

Hanei-san is a very hard worker. She never fails to do a task she's asked. Even if the task is difficult, or not to her liking, she does it without question, and in such a zeal that she somehow inspires everyone else working on it to put forth their best efforts, too.

When I'm working on stuff with any of them, how it's done is different, but they'll all make sure it gets done. I think that's really what makes someone who they are – all in how they do things, really.

...So how would I handle something like this?

Going to Tohno-senpai would be a bad idea. She looked nervous to even say it, and I have a feeling if I went to her, it wouldn't do anything but make both of us feel awkward. That's probably why she didn't want to wait for my reaction... in case I told her no.

Souka-san would be ideal to talk to about this... things like relationships seem to be the sorts of things she'd known best, although it'd be a bad idea to ask her what I'd do, since it involves Tohno-senpai. Those two... have a really weird relationship. Souka-san likes to tease Tohno-senpai sometimes, and it seems like she's the only person who can get away with it, too.

Hanei-san... well, she'd also be a bad person to talk to about this. Hanei-san is a wonderfully kind person, but relationships aren't really something she's good with. She knows she's... well, sexy, but Hanei-san doesn't seem to have had a serious relationship in her life yet. It would be like if a sixteen year old girl were to ask her ten year old brother relationship advice – well-intentioned, but ultimately it'll mean nothing.

Turning slightly on my bed to the side, I pick up my small, stuffed border collie I've had since I was about seven or so, and squeeze it in my arms.

"...What should I do, Shizune?"

Of course, I don't get a reply. If I did, I'd probably be going insane, or freaking out.

...Reading Tohno-senpai can be so difficult sometimes. This is one of those times. And... this time, it's something pretty serious.

I mean, I knew Tohno-senpai loved me as a friend, even though she never said it. I could tell. Tohno-senpai would be there a lot of the time, and even stuck up for me once or twice when I got into fights with someone. Even among the first-years, "Demon-senpai" would end any arguments immediately.

...More often than not, unless I was totally in the wrong, though, she seemed to stick up for me. After awhile, it became pretty clear that she seemed to be favoring me, even.

So I became "Demon-senpai's pet."

Some girls were jealous of the fact that she favored me. I mean, even I didn't know why she was doing something like that, because at times, Tohno-senpai can scare even me, and I didn't know whether she would be treating me like a kind senpai, or if she would snatch me up and make me beg for mercy.

But... she favored me regardless. I couldn't argue with that. Eventually, she even began to ask what I thought about stuff... even small, silly things.

I guess that's why it shouldn't surprise me that she saved my life... and revealed her super form or whatever that was to me...

…...Even though it turned out that she was a literal demon. Well, not exactly a LITERAL demon – I mean, she wasn't holding a pitchfork, didn't sprout horns, and certainly didn't have a spade-tipped tail coming out from her butt, but...

I joked about it, yeah. We all did. But the look that was in Tohno-senpai's face when she lifted that thing off my legs... it was both her, and not her, at the same time. It was like... two people in one body, which kinda makes sense since she compared it to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I guess.

I didn't like the look I got when she told me to keep it secret, so I guess it is pretty serious. And, well... something tells me that if I ever blabbed about it, that very bad things would happen.

...And ever since what happened with Shiki-san, I've learned to really trust my gut instinct.

Precognition. An ability I didn't ask for, but one I seem to have. Well... from what Shiki-san's said, it's more like I'm predicting based on the past, but I don't see how I can be doing that. I mean, all I know is the visions that pop into my head are usually pretty accurate...

"...Heh... Ehehe..."

It is kinda funny that I got saved by both her and Shiki-san. Almost like I'm their personal damsel in distress... not that I really want to be. Shiki-san is nice, but Tohno-senpai is scary and difficult to deal with sometimes.

But... she also talked to me a little bit, kinda, about how her and Shiki-san are different, too. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for her... so I wonder... what would Shiki-san be? She mentioned it had something to do with his eyes, but I can't think of any sort of monsters... wait, Medusa maybe...? Shiki-san's eyes changed color when he took off his glasses, I remember, but he didn't make that fake turn into stone or anything... so...?

But, now that I think about it... the way Tohno-senpai put it... it was like... they could become Mr. Hyde without becoming nasty like Mr. Hyde, I think. So... maybe Shiki-san can paralyze his target without turning them into stone, or something...? I don't know. It's confusing.

So... does that make me feel differently about them? Well... not really. I mean, we're all a little different, aren't we? So they're just a little more different than the rest of us. It's not like they walk around at night, murdering people left and right... at least, I've never seen anything like that... so as far as I know, they're still good people.

...Or usually are, in Tohno-senpai's case.

I get up off the bed, and walk to the table, and I see that my roommate has left a note. "Help yourself to what's in the fridge if you're hungry, Aki-chan. I'll be back around 5 PM. — XOXO, Rio."

I smile a little. Rio and I are good friends. She'd probably help me out if I could talk to her about that, and since our third roommate is gone on a bit of a personal vacation (although, if anything, she probably overworked herself yet again) it's basically just me and her in this dorm until the next semester in January. Not that I mind... sometimes, I kinda like it quiet, too.

I probably will ask her about it later today, then. Not that Rio's into girls like that or anything... but she's already trying to analyze people's minds, so that when she goes on to the high school wing and then to college, she can go for psychology and stuff. She wants to be a shrink... though I'd wonder why she'd want to take a crazy profession like that in an insane world like this.

Knowing her, she'd probably just ask me about my feelings, and the feelings of who I was talking to, if I saw them. Well, my feelings are easy enough to tell her, and I could tell that since Tohno-senpai sounded a little worried, or even scared, of what she may have heard if she had stuck around and I had refused her... that should be enough for her to think it over, probably.

Yeah! If she can't help me, there's probably nobody who can. Alright! It's settled then. I'll eat a nice sandwich, I'll have a few hours to nap, and when I get up, I'll bring it up to her.

Then, after that, I can decide what to do or where to go from there. Because, if Tohno-senpai really does love me... like, in a romantic girlfriend way...

...I have no experience with that stuff, so I'd probably be pretty bad at it. It's not like I'm used to romantic stuff... I mean, Shiki-san was the first man I hugged, and that was after I nearly got killed by fake. Even with guys, my experience doesn't go much past that.

Not to mention my age... I'm still 15 for another few months, at least. That's too young for some people to think I'm ready for a relationship like that... although there may be a few people who chalk it up as a Class S or something.

But, I guess love is blind, too. You can't help it sometimes, right?

And it's not like we have anything but the faintest sense of things such as age instinctively. I mean, as far as that's concerned, once we begin showing signs of maturity, we're good to go... and, well, I know all too well that I'm definitely past the point where it could be second-guessed. I still look a little young, yeah... but it's not like I haven't gone through days where my chest felt so sensitive I wanted to wear nothing on it, or when my stomach didn't cramp so bad I just wanted to lay in bed, or nights when I'd wake up to the feeling of my underwear sticking to me and the smell of blood thick in the air from a period that began while I was sleeping.

Yeah. If Tohno-senpai loves me like that, she probably can't help it, and doesn't really care about things like that. I'm just that cute! I got charm and spunk and stuff! A lot of guys would want a cute girlfriend like me!

...But, Tohno-senpai is a girl. If she does, then I don't know how I can love her back like that, or even if I should... I mean, if I told her no, it would hurt less than pretending to be okay with it, I know that...

If she were a boy, this would be a lot easier. I mean, then we could go for walks and do stuff together. Like, if it were Shiki-san...

...I feel myself blushing at that thought. I wouldn't mind Shiki-san being my boyfriend, even if he is a few years older.

But... Tohno-senpai is another girl, so we can't exactly hold hands in public without getting a lot of stares. Well, I mean, we _**COULD.**_ Friends do that sort of stuff, but it'd look weird if we did more than that. Like kissing or something... at least, anything more than one on a cheek. If we touched lips, people would definitely stare, and begin to ask questions...

...Why am I thinking all this stuff? I could just be totally misinterpreting what Tohno-senpai said. She may just love me as a friend, and not like that... I guess I should probably just see what Rio thinks about it. If anyone can pick apart the mind of Tohno-senpai, it'd be her.

Ah well. Okay. First a bit of a soak. Then a good meal. _**THEN**_ a little catnap. Yeah. That's perfect.

I walk into the bathroom, and begin to change out of my clothes.

* * *

Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha

* * *

I rush out of the room almost as fast as my legs will take at a walking pace. I am scarcely a dozen steps when my mind begins to berate me.

_"Idiot, why did you do that?ǃ Do you want to mess up your relationship with Seo againǃ ? You already messed it up once, you might not get a second chance! Do you realize what the ramifications of telling her something like are?ǃ "_

…...Shut up. You don't know a damn thing of what you want...!

I sigh in exasperation as I walk off to my dorm. I need to think. I need to be alone. I need space, and time, and quiet to think...

I walk there and unlock it with my key. And luckily... nobody is inside.

...Except for Misawa Hanei.

…...Space, time, and quiet just went out the window like a gunshot.

"Oh, good afternoon, Akiha-chan!" Cheerful as always. "How was your day?"

But I do not want cheer. Not right now...

"I just want some quiet if you do not mind, Hanei..." I walk over to my bed and lay down upon it. Well, perhaps "flop" would be a more apt wording.

Hanei blinks and looks me over slightly, a look of concern already beginning to cross over her face. "Did something happen, Akiha-chan...?"

"Nothing you need to know," I tell her curtly.

"...Wow... is today your—"

"No, it is _**NOT**_, Hanei, and don't ask me about such things!"

Hanei looks like she wants to cry. She nods slightly, and quickly leaves me be.

...A pang of guilt washes over me once she disappears.

…...Great. I'm fucking up everywhere today, aren't I...?

I sigh, and after scourging myself mentally, I get off my bed, and walk back out to where Hanei is. She turns towards me as I approach her once more.

"…...Sorry," I say with a sigh. "I have a lot on my mind. I am not mad at you, Hanei, and I did not mean to snap at you like I did, I just do not know what I should do about..."

...I cannot finish it. If I did, then what Hanei thinks of me might be different forever.

But... if I do not... I run the risk of Seo saying it to her, too. And while I do not know how Hanei would react to such information... I can already imagine how Souka will be grinning from ear to ear over it, as if some crazy gambit she had worked up had managed to pay off.

Argh... what do I do? This is so confusing, so frustrating. All of this because I confessed some of my feelings. All of this because I felt panicked, and guilty, and I carelessly let down my guard and allowed those words to slip out! This is why I usually do not! It makes life far more complicated than I want it or need it to be...!

"...About what, Akiha-chan?" Hanei asks.

"…...It is something personal, so perhaps it is best left unsaid," I tell her.

"Akiha-chan…... usually nothing gets you like this..." Even Hanei can see the turmoil. "...What's on your mind?" She adopts a somewhat rare tone – a serious tone, almost a motherly one.

"…...I will be fine," I say. "I just need some time and space to sort everything out. So please, Hanei..."

She looks at me resolutely, seems to study my expression for a few moments, and then nods in consent. "Okay, Akiha-chan. But if you want to talk about it, I'll be in the bathroom combing my hair, okay?" She smiles slightly.

"...Yeah. Thanks, Hanei." I nod in appreciation to her, and she walks off, giving me my privacy.

I lay back down on my bed, and sigh once more, staring up at the ceiling of our dorm as if it were somehow confronting eternity.

…...I am not sure if I did the right thing, honestly. I mean... what I told Seo was not a small, trifling matter. A person's heart is one of the most private things that can have. It is strange that we know all of our emotions formulate in the brain, and yet, because it is love, we associate the heart, and hearts in general, with it, even though all the heart realistically is, is but a pump for blood circulation.

Worse, it is something that can be so easily misconstrued. Even worse... I am not even sure if Seo is sexually active, much less lesbian or bisexual. If she is not, then... this whole thing is rather futle, and all of my feelings are essentially for naught.

But... something... something told me that it was the right thing to do. Something told me that I should just lay it on the line, and take whatever chances that I would be taking.

I believe it is called "gut instinct."

...I hope it was right.

It is too late to take it back now; that is what I know at the present. I said what I said; it is now a moment in the past. I do not know what the result will be; that is in the future.

But... I hope Seo will not hold it against me and damn me for it. Even... even if she just gracefully declines and says she wants to remain friends, that will be okay. It... will hurt, but I will endure. I would rather have her admit that she is not that type, but still wishes to be friends, than to have her just completely reject me for unfairly throwing this kind of choice upon her.

Because... full rejection would crush me helplessly, I think. I still want to be friends with her, even if she does not return my feelings in that way. I am not sure why I feel so strongly a wish to remain her friend... even though the girl is several years younger than me, I feel a little better when she is around.

Seo, Souka, and Hanei... truth be told...

…...They are really the only friends I have.

Hisui is still a servant, being unable to see me as anything but "Akiha-sama." Kohaku straddles the fences of advisor, mother, servant, and friend. Yumizuka-san is all of those as well, minus the mother role.

And of course... Nii-san is my brother.

But Seo, Souka, and Hanei... they are just pure friends. The only ones I have. The people whom, for better or worse, have become more than momentary acquaintances or temporarily of note. They are people whom I have occasionally thought about, or done things with.

...And, of course, there is no escaping what Souka did to me.

So losing any of them... it would be a crushing blow.

I hope I made the right choice. I really do. This... this is just so incredibly difficult to predict.

I hate uncertain futures. I might not know my ultimate fate, but at least I have an inkling of where my life will lead over the next several years. Any sort of unpredictable variables that can throw it into disarray are usually avoided by me, because unpredictability is something to be shunned.

One lives ideally when one knows where not only the next day, or next week, are known, but when the next month, the next year, the next five or even ten years are known. And all of my life, ever since "his" inversion, I have been taught what I would be expected to do. Run the family. Investigate problems between branches. Resolve all disputes. Make all of the final calls, all of the final decisions.

And in each problem that arose, I would be able to take a look at all of the issues that everyone was having, all of the background evidence, arguments, and counter-arguments, and then retire to ruminate on them.

...Except for this one.

On this... I am taking a chance. And I lept headfirst into it, like some insane martyr, willing to throw it all away for a cause that may be completely in vain. A stupid cause, ultimately, because it does absolutely nothing to propagate my genes... although considering the blood that runs through my veins, that may actually be a good thing.

...And yet.

Martyrs throw their lives away because they believe it is a cause worth dying for. I am not dying literally, of course, only in a emotional sense, but... I did that, so I must think that telling her what I did is something worth this fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

...I only wish I knew the answer. An event like this... it is eating me inside. I am used to being the one who makes the final calls, and yet this is a call that is completely and totally out of my control. It is, ultimately, Seo Akira who will make this call... assuming that fate does not intervene.

Ahead lays a long road, with no end in sight... with Seo Akira at the end. And I do not know if there are any roadblocks, or detours, or anything that will force me off my path to her. I am driving blind, with my ears plugged, my eyes closed, and the my foot firmly clamped down upon the gas pedal.

A horn honks outside. A glance outside reveals that the nurse must have called my driver again. I am terribly inconveniencing him. Maybe he should get a bit of a bonus, I never call on him this early...

"...See you tomorrow, Hanei," I say with a notable tang of gloom in my voice as I exit our dorm room.

* * *

...What am I supposed to do about all of this?  
More than that... what will she say about it...?  
I should prepare... for both the best, and the worst...

* * *

Next Week (7/10/11) – Chapter 58 "Yin and Yang ~Black Side~"


	59. Yin and Yang: Black Side

Chapter 58: "Yin and Yang ~Black Side~"

* * *

Viewpoint: Seo Akira

* * *

I sit on the balcony outside my dorm, looking at the thickening clouds of the evening sky.

Rio and I talked about what Tohno-senpai said for a few good hours. She doesn't know Tohno-senpai personally – only the legends of her, which can sometimes be way more false than true, so I had to make sure I explained a lot of things to her.

And as usual, she sat there quietly, and took it all in, asking the occasional question when she needed some clarification, and after I wound it all down and asked her what she thought about her behavior, she sat back for a few moments in her chair, closed her eyes, and when they opened, she came out with this.

"She's struggling to come to grips with herself, Aki-chan, and in finding out these things about herself, she's very scared of how you'd react. That's why she made you promise and that's why she left immediately, so that if it was bad she wouldn't see it right away."

...Rio somehow always makes it sound so obvious that you'd have to be a fool to miss it. It's probably her worst flaw.

But then again... Rio is pretty much right about her guesses most of the time. Accurate enough for me to trust her as correct.

I guess in retrospect, then, I can kind of see why she was so quick to leave. Maybe that side of her has been secret to everyone... maybe even herself...?

It would make sense that Tohno-senpai might hide from herself a little... she said she kind of didn't like that "other side" of her. But... if a person doesn't truly know themselves, then how do they know what they want...?

...How would Tohno-senpai know that she would want me?

For that matter... why me, of all people? I'm... really nothing special. Not like she is, anyway. I don't really have super powers or anything like that... I just see visions sometimes, and they don't always come true. Considering how heavy that pillar was that Tohno-senpai lifted, if I tried to fight her I'd probably lose... well, even if she didn't do that stuff I'd lose anyway, since I've never really been in a fight before.

...And truth be told... I'm not fully sure what I think about liking Tohno-senpai like that. I've never done those sorts of things with anyone before, not even boys, so... I'm not exactly going to be very good at relationships. I've had a few crushes before, but certainly not on another girl. Hanei-san, Souka-san, and Tohno-senpai are all my senpai and friends... not someone I tried to have Class S relationships with.

...But Tohno-senpai wants to be more. "I think I love you, Seo." That isn't something friends usually say to friends, right? Not unless one's a very, very close friend... but I don't think I'm at that kind of a relationship with Tohno-senpai.

If I were, it'd be news to me.

But she said it to me. That means... she considers me more than a friend, or a kouhai, or anything like that. It means I'm a little more important...

...Should I return those feelings, even if they're not truly what I think? Should I test the water? I really don't know what to do, I've never been in this sort of situation before...

I sigh. This is frustrating. I mean, I know what Rio said, yeah, but what am I supposed to do about what she said? Talking to Tohno-senpai about this now would do nothing but cause way more problems. I know how Tohno-senpai thinks. Confronting her is dangerous. The whole air around her seems to get hot when she is angry.

...But if I just sit here and do nothing, I'm not going to get any kinds of answers that I want. Which is... frustrating. Because even though I trust Rio's judgment on this...

…...I still don't understand why Tohno-senpai would tell me she loved me like that.

I look up and to the left. The lights are on in Tohno-senpai's dorm. Although I know she isn't going to be there at this time of day, maybe Souka-san or Hanei-san are...

...Maybe they can help me fill in the blanks. I hop off the stone border and walk back inside.

"Rio! I'll be back soon!" I shout to my roommate as I take my key for my dorm and begin walking towards the high school branch.

* * *

I knock on the door a couple of times. After a few moments, it opens, and Souka-san looks back at me. "Akira? What's up?" She blinks a bit, slightly surprised that I'm here.

"...Souka-san, there is something I need to talk to yo about... Can I come in and talk with you in private, please?" I bow in respect to my senpai.

"Uh, yeah, sure. Hanei's running around doing stuff anyway." She scratches her head for a moment before brushing some of her hair out of her face. "Come in." She steps away from the door, and I enter. As usual, this familiar room is kept quite neat and tidy. Tohno-senpai keeps it pretty tidy... or else tells Hanei-san to clean it up, anyway.

"Uh... Tohno-senpai isn't here, is she?" I close the door behind me, looking around for any sign of her. If she's here, then...

"Nah, she left a few hours ago," Souka-san says with a shrug of her shoulders. "Why, wanted to talk to her, Akira? You got her home number, don't you?"

"N-No... but... it is about her." I blush a little at this admission.

"Oh?" Souka-san looks at me with a strange look. Like... she's not entirely surprised.

...Uh-oh. That look on Souka-san's face is scary.

"...She said something to me earlier today, and I don't know what to think about it, Souka-san," I tell her. "It... it was so unlike Tohno-senpai, that I don't know what to think... so I talked to my roommate about it, and that just made my mind think of even more confusing thoughts..."

"Well, start with the basics, Akira. What'd Tohno say to you?" Souka-san puts her hands on her hips.

"...Promise you won't tell her about this?"

"Huh? What? I never talked with ya." She gives a slight smirk. It takes me a few moments, but I get it.

I take a deep breath. Feeling the reaper waiting behind me and breathing on my neck, I sign my death warrant. "Well... she said 'I think I love you, Seo.'"

Souka-san nods, as if this confirmed her suspicion. "Yup. Had a hunch."

"...You knew about this?" I blink, surprised.

"Well, in a way, you can blame me..." She smirks.

I swallow.

* * *

…...…Needless to say, I'm so red by the time Souka-san finishes her explanation that if I turned any more red my skin would begin leaking blood.

I... kinda figured Souka-san would be that type. She's just too much of a tomboy to date a guy, and hardly ever is into anything even remotely girly.

But... to do _**THAT**_ to Tohno-senpai...? How did she even come back alive...?

"...That's the long and short of it, Akira. So I guess I'm to blame for her newfound thoughts and feelings. I'll certainly accept the responsibility." Souka-san simply shrugs.

...All I can do is nod. I really don't know what to say.

According to a lot of people, a relationship is supposed to be between a guy and a girl. That's what society tells us is "normal" so it's what most of us do. More than that... it's what genetics and biology dictate are normal. Two boys can't make a baby, but neither can two girls.

But... we ultimately don't care about what our genetics say, and simply love who we want to, don't we...? We're contradicting ourselves and the greater good of the species by loving someone of the same gender.

…...Not that Souka-san was ever the type to go along with such conventions.

Souka-san told that story as if it were a perfectly normal, calm, and ordinary day. As if her whole life had been this way all along.

...But it wasn't. I know that for a fact.

I kinda always wondered why Souka-san was never, ever caught with boys or stuff. I figured she just knew how to keep her tracks clean, is all.

...She certainly did, if I didn't even pick up on her liking girls like that.

Then again... I've never thought of myself in that way, ever. I mean... it's not like I don't have those sorts of feelings from time to time, but they were always about boys.

...And Shiki-san once or twice.

But that's as far as it got. I wouldn't dare to try that, because Tohno-senpai would have ripped me from limb to limb. And if she could lift that heavy thing off my legs... I _***KNOW***_ she could easily tear my body apart.

And dead girls can't smile.

"...So... you did, uh, that, and that's what's making her say things like that...?" I ask her.

"I don't know if that's the _**EXACT**_ cause, but it's definitely a factor at least, Akira." She sips her drink. "Tohno don't say stuff for no reason, you know. So I'm pretty sure she ain't lyin' to ya, but at the same time, only that girl knows why she said it."

Souka-san is so... calm about this. Way calmer than she should be. She's almost shrugging this off like it was just some small event in her life, about as important as going to the bathroom or something.

...Hearing what she did to Tohno-senpai, I'll definitely say she's a _**LOT**_ braver than I am. And probably luckier. Way, way more lucky. I probably would've been strangled to death for even thinking of doing something like what Souka-san actually managed to do.

"Did... uh, did she like it?"

...And then a thought crosses my mind that really shouldn't have, because by the time I realize what I've said, it's already been out of my mouth.

Souka-san arches her eyebrows in surprise, as if she hadn't expected me to ask that. "At first? Nah. She was saying things like 'We can't do that, we're girls, and society says so!' She wasn't thinking that for very long, though. In fact... let me start from the beginning..." An oddly sheepish smile of pride crosses Souka-san's face.

I swallow.

* * *

"...I... I see," I say, fumbling for words.

Souka-san described that in probably way more detail than she had to. And when she did, the way she was saying it was like she was recalling a fond memory of hers, like it was the sort of memories of a couple who have been married for a long time would remember about their youth. I barely managed to convince her I didn't need to know how pretty Tohno-senpai's genitals were.

...I'd never do that, that's for sure. I value my life too much.

And yet... if Tohno-senpai loves me... then... realistically... that would be part of it, wouldn't it? I mean... when people fall in love... that's the sort of things lovers do...

"So... what should I do, Souka-san?" I ask, trying to get rid of the images Souka-san's words have put into my head. They're filthy. They're not the kind of images that Tohno-senpai would want me to have of her, that is for sure...

"Well... the best thing to do would be to be honest, Akira." Souka-san offers a shrug of simple explanation. "Do you think you'd love her like that?"

"I... I don't know," I confess. "I've never been with a girl before... not like how you were, anyway..."

She smirks slightly. "Well, she wasn't exactly complaining after a few moments... it can't hurt to try it, can it? That's one of the tricks to taming Tohno. She will act with a lot of hot air and bravado, but if you know how to counter all of that... she can be quite passive. It's just a matter of knowing what to do."

"...Well... I guess it couldn't hurt, but... I don't know... I mean..." I sigh and swallow to try to get rid of the uncomfortable tightness in my chest. "Tohno-senpai can be really, really scary, and we already had a fight over one of my doujinshi, so I don't want to misinterpret her words and get her angry at me..."

Souka-san looks at me, smiling a bit, but quite serious. "Listen carefully, Akira. I can kinda tell where Tohno is goin' with this... and my guess is that if you let her, she'll take very good care of you."

...That causes heat to rise to my cheeks. I think I know what Souka-san is getting at when she says Tohno-senpai would take "very good care of me."

...The problem is, that something is a very dirty thing. And not something I thought Tohno-senpai would ever be the type to do those things with. Her being with a girl would be like Shiki-san and Arihiko-san...

…...Uwahhhh, that's an even worse mental image! Out! Get out of my mind...! I shake my head to quickly scatter it.

"...Why would she care about me, though? She alternates between picking on me and being nice to me. It's so confusing..." I sigh sharply.

"Yeah... but that's how love is too, kinda. Loving someone is kind of like feeling like you want to spend the rest of your time with one person... while thinking of all the ways you want to kill them." She laughs somewhat at her own distasteful joke. "...Nevermind that, Akira. Think about it... have you ever felt that way for someone? The wanting to be with them part, that is."

...Well... yeah. Shiki-san, I guess... especially after he saved my life. I never felt as alive, nor as safe, as I did walking with Shiki-san that night. It was such a strange combination, even if my cheeks burned the whole time and I had to eat Soba that, in retrospect, wasn't all too bad.

"...Once or twice, maybe," I say. "Awhile ago when Tohno-san saved me, I definitely felt it. I kinda felt something similar last weekend when Tohno-senpai saved me, too."

"And you wanted to do things to him when you felt like that, didn't you?"

...Things. By that, Souka-san means... things... men and women do together... in private...

…...Things…... like…...

"…...Yes," I say as I blush, feeling all of the blood and heat in my body rise up to my cheeks.

Souka-san giggles at it. "That's probably how Tohno is feeling for you. She kinda views you as a little more than a friend or a kouhai, I think. She's viewing you as someone who she can trust, someone who she can love. But don't lead her on if you're not serious about returning or accepting those feelings, Akira." Souka-san's voice turns serious. "If you don't think you can do it, it's probably best to just say you can't, and still be friends with her. Rejecting her completely would probably be pretty bad."

"...I see," I say.

My confusion, in some ways, has both decreased and increased.

Decreased, because now I know why she said what she said. Souka-san's words make sense. And she is right... Tohno-senpai is looking out for me, even as she picks on me and stuff.

Increased... because I'm still wondering why she said that to me, of all people. There's a lot of girls Tohno-senpai could have started that kind of relationship with... like Souka-san…...

...Wait.

If Souka-san's actions are the reason that Tohno-senpai is beginning to have these sorts of thoughts... then wouldn't she be a better pick for Tohno-senpai's special person, and not me?

I mean, I don't know any of this stuff, aside from the usual teases and such. An actual relationship isn't something I've had, so wouldn't Tohno-senpai be better served being in one with someone who seems to clearly know what she is doing when it comes to them...?

"...Don't you want her to say she loves you though, Souka-san? Especially with what you did to her? I mean... that's what lovers do, right? So why would she pick someone who's not used to that sort of stuff as opposed to someone who's clearly okay with it...?" I blink.

Souka-san laughs. "Eh... Tohno and I could be friends, but lovers? That'd be kind of tough. She's too proper, and I don't really like being all proper and crap like that. I guess you could say we're friends with benefits..." She smirks.

...Friends with benefits.

It's not like I haven't heard that term before. It's like friends... but with... well... sexual stuff, too. I have nobody like that in my life... obviously. I'm still a little too young for it, I think...

"...But Tohno needs someone who she can love, and be loved by," Souka-san continues. "I don't think I could do it. Hanei is a sweet girl but she needs someone who has _**LOTS**_ of time to invest, and Tohno's too busy for that. Obviously she's not going to step over the bounds with her maids... so as far as girls go, that leaves you... or Shijyou Tsukasa, and I doubt that girl is gonna let Tohno anywhere near her." Souka-san laughs.

...So it's a process of elimination, is it? Tohno-senpai is picking me because there's nobody else...

"...Great... so I'm the 'because there's nobody else' pick, huh..."

"Nah, nothing like that." Souka-san quickly shakes her head. "You said so yourself... she's looking out for you and helps you when you need it the most. She does seem to take an odd liking to you, and she does occasionally mention you or compliment you well out of earshot. And, well, last Sunday..."

...She saved my life. I don't need to be reminded.

When Souka-san puts it all into perspective, all of the little things begin to add up. Perhaps what she did is what made Tohno-senpai realize her same-sex relationships are important as well. Tohno-senpai was never excessively cruel or cold... scary sometimes, sure, but she would praise our groups on work well done.

And yet, she would watch over us all, but yet I would be the metric of the group's success. The one she'd push hardest to be the best, and be representative of the group as a whole. It's why I got my reputation as her pet, of sorts.

"...You're right," I say as I slide out of my seat. "Alright... I think I got what I need to help me think this over. Thank you, Souka-san." I bow in gratitude.

She just waves her hand. "No need to bow to me, Akira, you're a friend. But I'm serious... only accept that if you think you can – and more importantly, if you want to – be with Tohno like that." It's a rare, stentorian tone from Souka-senpai... a tone that commands me to listen. "She doesn't show it, but when she doubts herself like this, it's very easy to make her fall to pieces. So if you can't be a lover to her... keep being a friend, and she'll be okay."

"...Alright." I nod. "Thank you for the advice. Good night, Souka-san."

"'Night to you too, Akira. Try to sleep, okay? Don't let all of this get to you. It's a lot to ask, I know, but just keep calm about it and I'm sure you'll be fine."

"...I'll do my best," I say as I exit the room. The door shuts behind me.

…...I swallow.

* * *

...The tossing and turning doesn't stop. As much as I'm trying to get this out of my head, I... can't.

My eyes open, and even though my mind will not stop thinking about all of the stuff that has happened, they beg for me to close them once again and try to return to sleeping, even though it's futile.

…...I know I'll see her tomorrow, somewhere. And I've been thinking about this all night. About how I'll respond, and how she'll react when she sees me, and all of those nervous, strange feelings that fly through our heads before we recognize them. Feelings that are a combination of both events of the moment, and instinctual responses to things we don't even notice.

We're all weird like that. They say you make impressions of people within the first ten seconds or so of seeing or hearing them.

I remember my first impressions of Tohno-senpai very well. I was in my last year before moving on to high school. At that time, Tohno-senpai was a first-year, and even at that point, she had an incredible reputation and a mystery around her. The top of charts academically, and one of the most dominant personalities on the campus. She was in the running for school idol that year, and although she did not actively campaign – or for that matter, even accept the nomination – she finished second only to Hanei-san.

...I thought she was a scary person and somehow if I wound up associating myself with her, it'd be bad news for me; a series of unfortunate events. And, well, I guess that's half-true... but even though I simply minded my own business, she sought me out on her own.

I guess that may be why I nearly got killed a year later, because that was the prediction I saw coming true, one of danger.

…...And yet, it was knowing her that ultimately saved my life, because while trying to reach her, Shiki-san was the person who had actually picked up the phone. Shiki-san was the one who prevented me from ending up like the deaths of the people I had seen in my visions, of being another in the body count of a murderer.

It's kinda silly to say it, but somehow, that seems to be the sorts of things that make someone feel more alive, being near death. It's why we enjoy occasionally being scared, or really fast amusement park rides like roller coasters. The feeling of risk, of danger, and yet – assuming all goes well – there is no actual danger or risk to life or limb.

...It's kind of how I feel around Tohno-senpai.

She's a scary and dangerous person, yeah. She's not the sort of person I would want to run into in a back alley, that's for sure. And... especially with her other form... I know for a fact that if she really wanted me to, she could make me vanish from this world, and not even mom or dad would ever know what had really happened to their daughter, Seo Akira.

...But yet, that's not the sense I get around Tohno-senpai.

For all of her scariness, and hair-raising orders... Tohno-senpai is really a good person deep down. She just may not know how to express it so well, because her upbringing demanded her to be elegant and an Ojou-sama constantly. An elite in every sense of the word – lineage, money, power, influence.

…...That's what made last weekend so unusual. To see Tohno-senpai eating a hotdog and wearing clothes that Souka-san would have approved of... it's a sight I'll never really forget.

My thoughts are brought back to reality by a loud noise. Looking over in its direction, I see that Rio is curled up in her bed, snoring away happily, sprawled and spread out over virtually the whole of her bed without the slightest care in the world.

At least _**SOMEONE**_ is getting sleep. Too bad it isn't me...

I sigh, and get out of bed and, after unlocking the doors to it, I walk onto our balcony, looking up at the night sky. The heavens have opened up, and I hear the rain falling onto the ground, and it heads steadily downward. Little silver streaks that rush towards their fate.

That cold, November rain that just soaks into your clothing and your bones.

...I watch it fall.

And fall.

And fall...

* * *

...Tohno-senpai is certainly an interesting personality.  
It's going to be a long night before tomorrow comes.  
So... I'd better think of what I will say while I can...

* * *

Next Week (7/17/11) – Chapter 59: "Yin and Yang ~White Side~"


	60. Yin and Yang: White Side

Chapter 59: "Yin and Yang ~White Side~"

* * *

Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha

* * *

...This day was not supposed to end this way. None of it. Stupid emotions clouding my mind... they, they caused all of this! They clouded my mind, and my better judgment, and as a result of that, they completely messed all of my plans up!

I... I wanted to have lunch with her. To prepare her a little. And instead, I smacked into her about as hard as I could hit someone. I am _**LUCKY**_ she only had a light concussion. What if... what if I had done something worse? What if I had accidentally fractured or broken a bone on her, or…...?

...I hate myself. I know it is silly to hate myself over this, because this was just a freak accident, and everyone has an accident or makes a mistake from time to time, but... how could someone ever love me with what I did, accident or not? You do not hit someone whom you truly love, ever!

Though... really... I did not technically hit her. I just ran into her. A freak accident is a freak accident, yes... but accidents can be prevented. Had I been more careful, I would have noticed her running just as hard as I was, and in that case, I probably would not have injured her, like I did.

And as a result, I could not ask her. Instead, all I could do is, like a broken woman, blurt out my words, and throw caution entirely to the wind, and simply hope for the result that I want.

...I sigh. I have to prepare myself for _**BOTH**_ answers... and I do not know when they will come. It may be tomorrow, next week... who knows?

…...Only Seo Akira.

In some ways, this is even worse than anticipating talking with Souka on Monday, because now the answer can come at any time, whether I am prepared to hear it or not...

Or, for that matter, the form of it may take upon are a kaleidoscope of ways. She may journey to my house and tell me personally. She may call me on the telephone. She may approach me in school. She may leave a note with Souka or Hanei. She may—

...A knock on my door. I can tell by the knock it is Yumizuka-san.

"…...Come in," I say, even though right now I am not in a very talkative mood.

She enters in her service kimono, with a small tray of snacks and tea. She looks into my expression for a moment. "...Still thinking about it, huh?"

…...Yumizuka-san, as usual, is correct. Just like that, she is able to assess my mental condition. It is pointless to deny it, but I do not feel like affirming it either, so I say nothing.

She sets the tray down in my lap after placing a pillow over it. "You know... you shouldn't beat yourself up over that, Akiha-san. It's not like you _**MEANT**_ to run into Seo-chan, is it?"

"O-Of course not!" I immediately proclaim my innocence. "But then I had to tell her that while her mind wasn't completely focused, and she might have misheard me, or misinterpreted me, or thought I was pulling a mean pra—"

A finger greets my lips, silencing them. "...Enough, Akiha-san. You're beating yourself up pointlessly." Yumizuka-san's expression is a serious one.

I look at her. Even though her expression is serious, there is a slight hint of a smile, and her finger is only very lightly pressed up against my lips.

I feel all the desire to argue her demands leave my body, through a dispirited sigh.

…...She is right, I suppose. I am probably overreacting, but still... I had such plans for today. I wanted to have a good lunch, a pleasant conversation, and then bring it up a little more gently and slowly. This way, it would have been natural, careful, and we both would have been mentally prepared for it; she would be in a joyful mood and I would be at my mental best.

And what we got, of course... was far worse.

Instead, in our mutual rush to meet each other under the tree, we turned our bodies into speeding projectiles, with her taking far more of the force of the hit than I did. And so rather than have a pleasant lunch with Seo, I had a fairly awkward conversation with a concussed Seo, leading to me not being able to stand it any longer, just blurting it out, and leaving before she could say a word, like some immature child, instead of the young lady I am supposed to be.

Maybe my action was selfish... I do not know. I know what I think about it, but I do not know if that is what others think about it. I do know that the decision is now up to Seo Akira, and the gods now...

I shake my head in frustration and tenseness.

"...You're worried she'll say no?" Yumizuka-san says something surprising.

"Eh?" I look up at her.

"Seo-chan. You're worried about how she'd react, right?"

"...How'd you know that, Yumizuka-san?" I blink.

She taps her ears. "You were mumbling it to yourself. Heightened senses, Akiha-san..."

"...Right, right..." I say with a sigh. I sometimes keep forgetting that Yumizuka-san has the attributes of a vampire... for better or for worse. "Yes. I said something to her, and so... I'm worried about the implications."

"Well, what you said was pretty serious, Akiha-san. Telling someone you love them is pretty big." She crosses her arms a bit. "That's not the sort of language you throw around lightly. If you did, then telling someone you love them would have no real meaning, now would it?"

...She _**DID**_ hear it, then. I look down, feeling the blood rise to my cheeks and my face, along with an urge to want to just disappear from this room.

"It's okay, Akiha-san. In fact... I think it's nice you have feelings for her that way."

I look up, confused, to see a smiling Yumizuka-san after making a statement like that.

...Why would she think that something like that is nice? I mean, I suppose it is nice that I have feelings for Yumizuka-san, but...

…...How is that nice?

Having feelings for friends is important. Caring for them and helping them when you can is what makes a friendship grow stronger. When two people help each other out, it can form very strong bonds... and if they are of compatible sexuality, perhaps even love. But...

…...I do not know if Seo Akira's sexuality lies within this. I know mine does, and I know how I feel about her... but I do not know if she will feel similarly to me.

The heart of a girl is a puzzle unto itself; an enigma even unto itself. Not even its very owners know what they want sometimes... and this is one of those times, for me. Where I know what I want... but am not sure if I will get it, for it is not something I can just snap my fingers and expect to get.

"Nice? How?" I ask.

"Well, think about it, Akiha-sama. How important is she to you?" She states a simple question.

…...How important...?

Seo is my friend. A good friend. A... friend who I probably should treat a little better...

...No. She is not a mere friend. How I feel about her... this goes beyond a traditional senpai and kouhai relationship, or even a friendship.

I said it myself... I love her... I think.

...I think...?

No... this is not something I think...

I... I do...

...I do love her.

"…...Very important," I finally say.

Yumizuka-san smiles. "Well then... don't worry about it so much, Akiha-san. You did what you could. You spoke from your heart." She smiles. "So now all that's left is for you to just clear your mind. Don't worry, though... I have a good feeling about this."

"...Why do you say that?" I look at her.

"Well, the way Seo-chan is around you... she seems quite happy and content, Akiha-san," Yumizuka-san says. "It seems to me like she's simply happy to be around you, talk with you, and share a part of her life with you. So don't sweat the small stuff, and just look at the big picture, right?"

...She is, now that I think about it. And, admittedly... so was I. Last Sunday... that was some of the happiest moments I had ever had, spending time with her, and Hanei... although I could have done without the pillar falling across her legs.

But still... even then... all I cared about was freeing her. Even at the cost of my secrets... because given the choice of revealing my secrets, or the death of my kouhai... I chose the former. I would not be able to forgive myself if I had let her die.

But the price that I am now forced to pay... is a horrible price.

Horrible secrets. The secrets of a demon. Of one who, at any time, can turn into just that, and kill everyone, and everything, that she has loved and ever loved.

Dangerous secrets. Secrets of my past, of my present, and of my potential future. A life of living alone, and dying alone, as all beasts do.

Dark secrets. The sordid history of the Tohno, in a limited form. The fact that it runs in my blood, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it, except for sheer willpower.

…...Can I trust her with my secrets? I gave her a sort of explanation... but... if... if this does become mutual love... then such an explanation will not suffice. I will have to tell her more of myself.

...No, not just more... all of it. Who I really am. _**WHAT**_ I really am...

...Everything. She... would deserve nothing less than the truth, and hiding that truth from her can be dangerous, and deadly.

…...So I would have to say it all. But... I would.

That is why I am so nervous...

...Because I have never told that to anyone who I did not consider family. Kohaku and Hisui know it. Nii-san knows it. Yumizuka-san knows it.

The difference is... they know it because, well, they have to know it. If they do not know it, then it would be inconvenient at best... and outright dangerous at worst. And none of them are exactly normal, either... even Hisui and Kohaku have their abilities, although they are far less exercised than mine, or even Nii-san's...

They learned it because they had to. They had no choice.

But outside of them, nobody else knows who the real Tohno Akiha is.

Nobody else knows the cursed blood in her veins that is coursing through her body. Nobody else knows that there are some nights where the demon side is more dominant than the human side. Nobody else knows that to love someone like me... they would have to be a certain kind of person that most people could never in their lives even hope to begin to be.

She... she would be the first outside of family to know it. And in the process... I would make her family.

Because... we would be a couple.

Lovers. Two souls, two bodies, two minds... one team.

Working towards our goals, our hopes, our desires, our dreams, whatever they may be...

...That is what we would be.

Whether we will be a team that will work out... I do not know. It is possible that, even after getting together and being a couple for some time, that we may not work out. There have been relationships, after all, that started out with two people deeply in love, only to learn that the more they lived together, the less compatible that they turned out to be with themselves. I do not think this is a case that will happen with myself and Seo, but of course, I cannot rule out the possibility of it.

And if it does not work out... whom, then?

Souka would be the most likely possibility, in this regard. She is certainly someone who would have no problem doing... well... the more carnal aspects of a relationship, and she is a rather laid-back person, mentally. The question is, is she capable of withstanding the fact that I am a monster...?

And not just a monster... but one in sheep's clothing?

I cannot be remiss to pretend that I am anything but that. A demon in human skin is still a demon. Even if she has the thought processes, intelligence, and attitudes of a human, a demon is what she was and a demon is always what she will be.

...Even if a demon can fall in love, as this one has.

"I will leave you to your thoughts. Goodnight, Akiha-san." With a smile and a soft bow, Yumizuka-san leaves.

"...Goodnight, Yumizuka-san," I say to the door as it closes with a soft click.

* * *

As I lay awake in my bed that night, I reflect upon all of the things that have transpired so far.

In the last few weeks, my life has changed quite dramatically. My self-identity, my thoughts, my feelings... they all have changed.

And the reason this all changed, I think... is due to Yumizuka-san.

She came into my life so suddenly. Now... I feel I almost cannot do without her. In some ways, it almost makes me not want to have a cure, but that would be inconsiderate to her.

No... more than that... it would be a grave sin.

She did not choose to become of this world, after all. She is a victim of a tragic fate. Curiosity killed the cat, as well as Yumizuka Satsuki.

It is strange. Usually, even to someone like Yumizuka-san, I would not so willingly divulge myself as I did when we met. The only reason I did is because she knew Nii-san, and I panicked and thought she might have known his secrets. That is the only reason I even began to get serious.

But then... we began talking. And talking to Yumizuka-san... I do not know, she just seems to have a knack for being able to get information out of people, like an emotional gumshoe.

I do not open up easily... but somehow, she knew how to do it. The right words, the right things, the right places, the right times. She knew it all, and so it felt perfectly natural to open up to her.

Now? Well, there are probably not very many secrets I have left to share with Yumizuka-san. She could share some with me, but... she does not need to, and I am okay with that. It does not need to be tit-for-tat.

The idea behind our friendship is not blackmail. It is more of a symbiotic relationship. Where two completely different organisms, which may normally oppose each other, find that both will gain from a relationship where they will both benefit from things that only the other can provide.

From her, I can relieve some of the pressure off of Hisui and Kohaku, allowing Yumizuka-san to take over the night watch duties, and for being someone else I can talk to about my private feelings besides Kohaku.

From me, I give her safety, food, shelter, a sense of a fairly normal life... and access to the one she loves most. Surely Kohaku must know about how she wants to sleep with Nii-san every night, but if she does, she does not seem to mind.

...Then again, Kohaku being who she is, maybe there is a little bit more going on between them... it... would not fully surprise me, to be honest. I do not pry, but I know that Nii-san is her beloved as well, and... well, even for a female, it is impossible to fully restrain the carnal, animal mind, as it is programmed into all of our DNA to go and find someone to mate with, to create the next generation. For that is all that genetics deem us useful for – for all of our intellect, we are ultimately expendable once we beget offspring.

But... seeing her happy like that... the small measures of happiness I can give her just by letting her see and be with her cherished "Tohno-kun"... it makes me feel... simply better. It is difficult to put into exact words. I just know it feels... good.

But... a vampire cannot generally have children. At least, not Dead Apostles like her. It is possible that Arcueid-san can conceive, if she allows it... after all, True Ancestors had to reproduce somehow.

…...Now that I think about it, that would be a rather interesting case... what would the child of such a mating be? A full True Ancestor? A Dead Apostle? Half-and-half?

Either way... I treat my friends very well. Even Kohaku, who is no longer forced to be associated with me... I feel guilty if I do not do enough to make it easier on her when she comes here. That is why I let her have free access to Nii-san as well, for she is his beloved. And I have accepted that, as well.

...That is why I allowed them private time on Sunday. And did not even get nosy as to investigate whether or not they actually had sex. It is, ultimately, irrelevant to me... because if they did, I would be disappointed if I knew, and if I did not, I would just be suspicious of them anyway. So, to avoid any problems, I simply do not pry into whether they did or not. It is, ultimately, none of my business.

…...Then again... we might have had sex Sunday, too. I do not know... and I do not want to know. It is more precious if I do not know the truth, so I am content to leave it as it is, for the same reasons. If we did not, I would simply be disappointed, and if we did... it would be rather embarrassing, and difficult to look at them.

For all intents and purposes... those four people are my family. They are important to Tohno Akiha, for some reason or another. They are what gives her some semblance of a home life, what distracts her from remembering that ultimately, she is still alone... still without someone who can simply love her for what she is.

Nii-san does love me, wholly and honestly. We may not be related by blood, but we are forever linked, and we cannot escape that. At the same time... I have save his life, and I am always in a position of importance... but he loves me both as Tohno Akiha, his sister, and Tohno Akiha, a woman... possibly. I only know the former is true, and the latter I am a bit afraid of finding out.

Hisui has always been loyal, and sheltered, even from the influences of this thrice-damned house. Kohaku protected her, at the cost of much of her sanity, and definitely of years of use and abuse of her body, something no woman should have to go through, much less a child. But Kohaku did... because she wanted her sister to keep smiling, stay happy, and not have to worry about being used to stave off a demon's impulses.

...Kohaku, herself, then wanted to take revenge, even after the death of the one who harmed her. My simple association by blood was good enough for her to plot my own demise and death, even though I am the one who stopped Otou-sama from doing what he was doing to her. We were all puppets, and she was the puppeteer; and in the end, she nearly succeeded in destroying all remnants of the Tohno in Japan, by having the heir and his sister fight each other. It had nearly worked... and it would have, were it not for a strip of white fabric.

And Yumizuka-san... she is hard to classify. She needs my help, yet is her own person. Her personality is fully human, with none of the burdens of age or madness that a vampire will eventually experience. For all intents and purposes, she's simply a girl who needs a shot glass of blood a day, and can punch through solid concrete... and I just happen to be the sister of the man whom she loves.

Truly, a stranger family cannot exist. Well, unless one is Frankenstein, or perhaps has a disembodied hand for a family member, or something... but that would be such a strange family, I would not even want to know whom they are.

A rolling rumble of thunder occurs outside my window. I look outside of it, and see that rain is coming down forceful, and hard. I slide the tray off of my lap, open the windows in my bedroom, and walk out to the patio.

The rain is coming down in steady sheets; a good, soaking rain. Thankfully, my patio is covered, and the wind is not blowing in a direction that would defeat the covering.

I just sit, ignoring the chill in the air, and watch it as it comes down, making a resonant patting noise as it strikes the ground. It might be the last time it rains before it gets cold enough for it to begin snowing.

A cold, early November night. The kind that takes your breath away, and yet makes you feel even more alive at the same time.

...Even through my depression, my nervousness and tenseness are serving to remind me that I am alive. That my heart beats, and my mind works, and even though I am unsure of what is going to happen in my life, that it will go on... at least for now.

"...I wonder... are you watching this and thinking about what I said too, Seo?"

…...Are you thinking about if you can love me or not?

I do not mind, even if she is not though. Even if her answer is, ultimately, to feel that she cannot love me in this sort of way... as long as Seo remains a good friend of mine, I shall be content with her company, in whatever form it is in.

Because... I just somehow feel that even if Seo Akira does not want to be with me that way... that I will always be a special factor in her life. Nobody else could ever fill that role that "Tohno-senpai" plays for her. Not completely. And there is no denying that she owes her life to both myself and Nii-san... though that is not exactly a debt that I wished to have.

So... even if she says no... I think we will still be friends. And as long as we are... then I will be fine.

I hold out my hand over the edge of the patio. Droplets of water strike my palm, slowly moistening it with one of the planet's greatest gifts. The gift that makes all of our lives possible.

A clear, slightly blue-tinted liquid. Two hydrogen atoms, bonded to one oxygen atom. The building block of life as we know it.

...Every thought that Seo Akira, Tohno Akiha, and everyone else who has ever lived has ever had would not be possible without this liquid.

The blood of blood.

And for my part... I inhale the aroma of petrichor as I just watch it land in my hand, while the never-ending stream continues to fall.

And fall.

And fall...

* * *

...I will not let my weakness destroy our relationship.  
No. I will come out of this stronger than ever, regardless of what is said.  
Because, for her... I want the best.

* * *

Arc 4: "Purity of a Pollinated Mind" _**END.**_  
Arc 5: "Arise from the Ashes" _**START.**_

* * *

Next Week (7/24/11) – Chapter 60: "Time's Anxiety"


	61. Time's Anxiety

Chapter 60: "Time's Anxiety"

* * *

Thursday, November 7, 2002

* * *

Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha

* * *

I sit in my limousine as it drives down the roads towards Asagami Private Girls Academy. I blink heavily, and do my best to stare as close to the sun as possible without incurring actual eye damage.

...I could not sleep at all last night.

Those thoughts would simply not leave my head. Thoughts of Seo Akira, and of how she would react to my words, and to whether she will accept or reject them... and me entirely. Worries of how I would take such a blow to my pride; about how I had gambled with the dice, and the roll had made me a loser.

But just because of that, it does not mean I can ignore my duties. I still have things to do... classes to attend... tests to take... homework to obtain... life to live.

…...I can sleep when I get home. It is not like I am so weak that I cannot stand going without sleep for a short while. There have been many times where I was sleep-deprived, for some reason or another, and so this time is not much different than the other times where it has happened.

So I do my very best to keep awake as my driver makes the trip from my mansion to the academy grounds.

I roll down the window a little, and stick my head out of it. It is unladylike, to be sure, but the sharp winds blow against my face, and they do a good job of ensuring that I am kept awake.

A potpourri of colors meets my eye from the leaves changing colors. Crimson reds, and platinum yellows, and moist browns, and rusty oranges, and everything in between.

It is, admittedly, a sight to behold. The changing of a season is a remarkable thing. Life that begins anew in the spring, only to fade out and die away in the fall. Like the cycle of man, it starts young, stubborn, and strong, ages into a reliable pattern of daily normalcy, and then ages gracefully and casts itself away, allowing the newer, younger generation to take hold and have its chance to live its life.

…...Perhaps this is the death of my old way of life, and the start of a new one?

After he stops, I walk out. The day, thankfully, is rather crisp, and it does seem to heighten my alertness somewhat. After thanking him, as always, for the ride, I step out and begin to walk towards the room that Hanei, Souka, and myself share. I shake my head a bit to fight off the parts of my mind that are trying to tell me to sleep, and I hike my way up the steps that lead to the room, unlocking it with my key and entering once I get there.

Hanei turns slightly to me, combing her hair. "Good morning, Akiha-chan!" She seems to be fairly oblivious to the fact that I am tired. Souka, is stuffing the top of her uniform into her skirt. "..Damn, you look beat, Tohno. Did you sleep at all?"

...Unfortunately for me, Souka is clearly more perceptive. Either that, or Hanei simply does not wish to bring up the issue, but I would bet on this being more directly attributable to Souka, for Souka was never one to do as people expected. She seems to enjoy throwing people off from time to time.

"...No. I have had thoughts on my mind, and I did not want to take sleeping pills or I would not have woken up," I say as I sit in a chair. Upright, because if I leaned even slightly I could feel the tiredness in my head. "Please get me something with caffeine, Hanei. I will need it to get through the day."

Hanei nods, and with a simple "Mhm!" she walks off to get me some presumably strongly-caffeinated tea. Souka finishes pushing her shirt through the waist of her skirt and begins to close the clasp. "Thoughts, huh? What kind of thoughts, Tohno?"

"...Personal things, Souka," I say as I curtly dismiss her attempt to find out. "I would rather not discuss them, if you do not mind."

"Personal stuff, eh? Like what? One tongue ain't enough for ya, Tohno?" She smirks.

"D-Do not say such things, Souka!" I manage to stammer out.

Souka laughs at my reaction, but then her face takes on a serious look as she hmmms slightly, but eventually she nods in agreement. "…...I can tell it's best not to pry." A rare sentence from the mouth of Tsukihime Souka, as she turns around and begins to comb her hair.

"...Thank you," I say in reply, sighing.

I do my best to keep upright in the chair. If I lay my head on the table, I will probably pass out, so I leave my hands and my elbows firmly in my lap, using them to ensure my body remains perfectly upright.

"...Akiha-chan, you should probably lay down if you're that tired, you know." Hanei frowns at me in a rare show of concern as she hands me my drink.

"I will manage, Hanei. Thank you." I open and take a swig of my drink, and attempt to shake the drowsiness out of my head as best as I can. It is not working very well, however. This leads to me drinking my drink more heavily in an attempt to keep myself awake.

…...All of this because of some childish worry over what a girl will say to words.

They are just that – words. The power of a word is not in any sort of intrinsic value, but in what we invest in the language. For language is what made man the zenith of all food chains... and their destructor, as well.

Before too long, I realize that my drink is no more. It was good while it lasted, and it does indeed provide me with a slight burst of energy, but rather than accept it and use it as fuel, my body has taken the opposite approach, as if to say it knows that I am using caffeine to keep myself awake and, as a result, will now punish me more heavily for foolishly doing so.

I sigh. Well... classes do not truly begin until nine, so I can get maybe an hour and that will make me feel better...

"...One of you two, please wake me up at 8:45, or whenever the second one of you is leaving..."

"Huh? Yeah, sure, Tohno. Take a catnap. We'll wake ya." Souka's reply.

"Have a nice nap, Akiha-chan! Let me know if you dream something interesting, okay? I wanna hear about it!" Hanei chimes in.

"Yeah, yeah, I doubt I will even dream, trust me..." I mutter to myself as I walk over to my bed, sluggishly, and half-collapse into it, curling into it and almost immediately falling asleep.

* * *

"...p... wa... up, Aki...an..."

"...Mmmmm..." Consciousness returns to my body, and I stretch all of my limbs before opening my eyes. A small nap actually did me wonders. I feel pretty re-energized now. "...Time for classes already, Hanepin?" I sit up, and begin to look around for my bag. "Erm... Hanei, did you move my bag while I was sleeping, by any chance?" I ask her.

In response to my question, Hanei merely points to the clock.

Time... 3:37 PM.

_**…...THOSE TWO…...!**_

"...Why did neither of you awaken me, Haneiǃ?" I grab her by the collar of her uniform. "Is it that hard to wake someone who is sleepingǃ?"

"Wahhhh! W-We tried, Akiha-chan, please let go of me!" Hanei protests, clasping my wrists as I shake her.

"I refuse to believe I was asleep so deeply that I could not be awoken! It is sleep, not a coma!" I shake her harder.

"D-Didn't you notice your pillow is damp, Akiha-chan?" Hanei's hands try to pull me away lightly, to no avail.

"Why would it matter if it were dampǃ? I may have sweated a little as I slept... soǃ?" I feel my shakes become harder.

"We threw water at you!" She protests, her hands flailing.

Yeah right. I humor her by letting go of her collar with one hand and feeling my pil—

...It is soaked.

I feel the collar of my uniform. Decidedly damp. It extends down to perhaps my chest.

I feel my skirt. Noticeably moistened, and the exposed skin of my legs definitely feels a little more damp than I would expect them to be.

I turn my glare back to her. "…...How much water?"

"Uhhhh... S-several cups..." She swallows nervously.

"...Really...?" Despite my efforts, I can feel my fury leaving my body, with the utmost egress.

"...Dead serious, Akiha-chan." She looks at me with a look of conviction. A look that Hanei could not possibly fake.

...That must have been an incredibly deep sleep, then, if I did not awaken from it even when water was thrown more or less directly at my face. Or, for that matter, at my body. It would have had to have been a very catatonic sort of sleep... the sort of sleep that a person usually only has when they are truly and totally exhausted, and their body eschews everything just for the sake of doing its own internal bookkeeping and mending.

I let go of her collar. She rubs her neck and readjusts it a bit.

I did not even know I could sleep that deeply over something so small. The last time I slept this deep was when Nii-san and I fought a year ago, for fifteen hours straight. But that was when I was completely physically spent. The extent of physical problems, in this case, was just some very minor injuries from colliding with Seo Akira... it was not flat-out exhaustion, like it had been with Nii-san...

"...Sorry, Hanei," I say with a sigh.

I cannot expect them to use unreasonable force, after all. Worse, if I were attacked in my sleep I would probably reply with very lethal force before I had fully awakened and realized who I was fighting. And a person who does not wake up even when water is thrown at them, is probably someone who even I would leave sleeping unless it was life-threatening or dangerous to let them be.

Needless to say... a day of classes is not exactly life-threatening. Or dangerous. It will kill my grades if I keep it up, though...

I rub my eyes and then stretch to eradicate the tiredness from my body. "Tell me... have you seen Seo around today?"

"Nope," Hanei replies as she readjusts her clothing. "Which is kinda odd, she almost never misses a day, like you, Akiha-chan."

…...Maybe she was doing what I did last night, then. I could not sleep. I just watched the rain fall until the sky began to brighten... which made me curse myself as by then it was too late to go back to bed, so I watched it until I had to leave.

It is strange. It felt so... melancholic, and yet peaceful and serene. A feeling that was both good and bad, somehow, all at once. I had feelings of both wanting it to go away, and yet... of it being the perfect state of mind to be in at that particular time.

...I am still not fully sure of why I said what I said, or why I feel how I do about her. One loves her friends, but... this transcends a friendship love. This is... something else. A romantic love. A sexual love. A love that one feels for someone they truly desire.

Why her? Opposites attract, yes, but... there is still flaws she has. And yet... loving someone means you accept their flaws.

And I guess I have came to accept Seo's flaws if I feel that way for her, but I still do not understand quite how it got to this point...

"Something wrong, Akiha-chan?" Hanei looks at me.

"...No, just a lot is on my mind since yesterday, Hanei," I tell her with a slight wave of my hand. "Do not concern yourself too much with it. I shall be fine."

"Ummmmmm... 'kay!" A typical Hanei response for when she is not sure of how to respond. "I'm gonna be studying, alright?" She walks off towards her bed, pulls out a textbook, and promptly leaps onto it, kicking her legs begind her as she rests on her front and elbows, reading the chapter.

...Ignore her rear. I sigh and force myself to look away.

I debate things in my head. Do I talk to Seo, or do I not...? Truth be told, I feel... incredibly nervous. A rare emotion for me. Usually I am far more calm, organized, and collected than this.

But then again... I am also taking a huge risk. A gamble. And I am never good with bets. That is why I make sure to minimize chance as much as I possibly can in just about anything in life, whether it is fighting an enemy or thinking over a request. These sorts of decisions usually take only seconds, but... that is because the decision is always mine. Solely mine.

Something like this, is a decision that is not mine.

I have made up my half of the decision. My part in the decision was to gather up the courage to tell Seo Akira that I loved her. From my end of the question, it is all but over; I have thrown down my hand.

The other half... the half that is if she can view myself in that way... that is what is up to her. I have no control over that. And even though I have thrown down my hand, she may have a hand that is yet better.

And that is what worries me. I am worried what her reaction will be. She... has every right to denounce me, really, if she thinks I am some kind of pervert. I mean... I do not think of her in _**JUST**_ a sexual manner... I think of Seo Akira in a lot of ways. Friend, classmate, kouhai...

...But I did think of her sexually in the shower. I imagined what she would look like, and my hands, as if moving on their own, found their way to my crotch and pleasured my body. I... masturbated to it. I cannot deny that.

Seo Akira has made the transition to "love interest." And to a body which seems to be craving all things love, it latched onto it like it was the most important thing in the world, for some reason.

No... I cannot let myself get all wound up in this, really. I am making myself worry far too much on this issue. I did what I did... all that is left is to see how she responds.

...But how do I know how she will respond if I am avoiding her...?

Worse... avoiding her can be misinterpreted as well. She may take my avoidance to mean that I truthfully do not want to talk to her... which, in reality, is more or less the direct opposite of what I actually want...

...Maybe I should go talk to her?

The more I think about this, the more I begin to realize that, realistically, this is the only actual option. Avoiding talking to her is not going to solve things... and they may actually make it worse, which I do not want to do. If anything, I need to make my intentions clear... that I truly have fallen for her, that I wish to be with her, and that if she is willing to accept all of me, then I will be willing to accept all of her.

Yes. That is, overall, the best course of action. I am not going to solve anything by simply laying here and wishing it will resolve. The only way a course of action is ever pursued is if the navigator steers his ship down the line he has plotted.

"Hanei, if my driver honks outside, please inform him I will possibly be a few minutes late. I am going to check on Seo."

She blinks for a few moments. Is she... putting two and two together...?

"…...…'kay, Akiha-chan!" Hanei smiles happily. I breathe a sigh of relief as I take my bag from where I had left it in the morning. Hanei is still a little ignorant over the matters of love... at least, in the sense of two girls falling in love with one another. If I told her I was going to go see a boy, on the other hand, I think Hanei would have passed out with her face in her textbook.

"…...Oh yeah! I got your schoolwork, Akiha-chan." She climbs off her bed, and grabs my bag from the foot of her bed. "I put it in your bag for you. I hope you don't mind...?" Hanei looks a little worried. She knows I value my privacy dearly. At the same time, though... she had a good reason to do so. And she saved me the trouble of having to do it myself, since I was so mentally... fried, I would say, that I could not wake up even with water thrown at my face.

Such a deep sleep is dangerous. If it had been someone with more evil intentions, and not a schoolgirl simply trying to awaken a friend... Tohno Akiha might be dead right now. And I never would have known it.

"No, I do not mind. Thank you very much for saving me the trouble of having to collect it, Hanepin." I smile at her and bow slightly in appreciation and gratitude. This makes Hanei blush slightly, not used to having me thank her or bow to her. But it is not so bad, really. "But please do me a favor. If Souka comes back, tell her I said sorry for not awakening. I have had a lot on my mind, as I said... last night I will confess I did not sleep that well. It is completely my fault."

"Ahh, that's no good, Akiha-chan. You really should get more sleep, you know. Every time you sleep over here it seems like you never get enough sleep." She pouts slightly as she looks at me, hands on her hips. Although, for some strange reason, I can see Kohaku shaking her finger at me instead.

"It is rare enough that it is usually not a concern. I suppose I will see you tomorrow, if I do not see you again today, Hanei." I smile once more and wave to her slightly, and then head for the door.

"'Bye, Akiha-chan!" is what I hear in reply as I close it.

* * *

The junior-high dorms. I do not come here very often. In fact, the last time I was here with anything that could be describing regularity was when I was Seo's age myself, two years ago.

Not much has changed. The atmosphere is a little more energetic, excited. These are girls who still have time to have a little bit of fun and relaxation, and are not burdened by the weight of the world on their shoulders. They are still young enough that they do not have high amounts of responsibilities, and are not yet being pressured to find suitors.

...Even I had a suitor, at one point. His name was Kugamine Tonami, and absolutely disgusting specimen of humanity. Fat, scheming, and all-around distasteful. I only accepted because, essentially, my hand was forced, as long as Otou-sama was alive.

Needless to say, the night he died, so did that marriage, as well as his residence in my home. Kugamine Tonami was the first person evicted, before all others.

Thankfully, the girls here are still a bit too young to be seriously expected to find a suitor. Some of them are "merely" from upper-middle-class homes, such as Seo Akira, and so to them, there is no such thing as an arranged marriage.

It is, perhaps, the greatest luxury that she is able to enjoy – the ability to love whomever she wishes.

I find myself waxing nostalgia at as I walk the path I usually walked through here, with a good view of that garden. I slow down a little bit, eventually stopping as I look out to it.

It is the garden that I like to sit in and have my lunch with Seo.

I planted a tree in there, when I was 13. To this day, I keep track of it. It barely reached the middle of my thigh in my first year here, but it has since grown tall and strong. It is now up to my chest, and I expect that by the time I graduate next year, it may be up to my neck. Unfortunately, by the time I leave here, it will be a year or two hence from when it would be tall enough to be over my head.

I smile slightly to myself, and I keep on walking.

Eventually, I reach her dorm... Room 226. I knock on the door, and wait patiently. A voice from inside replies "Just a sec!" It is not Seo's – that much I know. Probably one of her roommates then, but what were their names again...?

The door opens. A girl with brown hair looks back at me. It is fairly close-cropped. Her bangs are in front of her face a bit, and in the back, it fans into two extensions that almost look like a set of large cat ears.

"Hibino... Rio, was it?" I ask.

"...Yes. And you are... Tohno-senpai?" Rio blinks, brown eyes looking back at me.

Her name has come up once or twice in conversation. An intelligent girl. Something about her wanting to become a psychiatrist, or some other such. Though, despite what Seo has said about her intelligence, the girl also looks like she could be a fairly competent fighter if need be.

"Yes. Please forgive my intrusion, but is Seo here?" I ask of her.

"Aki-chan? She's sleeping. She was drop-dead exhausted by the time I got up, and after I got out of the shower I found her asleep on her bed and I couldn't wake her at all. I tried, and nearly got a boot in the teeth." The girl scratches her head, shrugging her shoulders slightly as she does. "I decided to let her just sleep. If you want to try to wake her up, knock yourself out... or get knocked out if she kicks you hard enough, maybe." She laughs a bit.

"...No, no, that will not be necessary, Hibino-san. I just wanted to deliver a message to her. If you do not mind, I will simply entrust you with delivering it."

"Okay. Shoot."

"Just please tell her I would like to speak with her tomorrow. I would like to discuss some things of importance with her. Do you think you can do that, Hibino-san?"

She eyes me... a little strangely. A little too strangely.

"...Is something on my face?" I blink and check myself very quickly using a nearby window.

"No, nothing at all," Rio says with a smile. "Just not used to that. I'll be sure to tell her, Tohno-senpai. Anything else you need me to tell her?"

"No, that is all. Thank you very much, Hibino-san. Please see to it that she gets that message when she awakens."

"No problem. Pleasant day to you, Tohno-senpai." She bows slightly.

"Pleasant day to you as well, Hibino-san." I smile, and walk away. The door shuts behind me.

* * *

...Tomorrow, then, will be the day.  
The day where, if she is willing, she will tell me her answer.  
The day when my life may, perhaps, change forever...

* * *

Next Week (7/31/11) – Chapter 61: "Foregone Absolution"


	62. Foregone Absolution

_**A note from the author:**_

* * *

Making a guy work on his birthday... that's horrible, you know. I'm not even working my own real-world job on my birthday since, well, they wouldn't pay me time and a half to have people yell at me for eight hours. Shame, I'd have made $120 today if they did. :p

And no, I'm not lying... today really is my birthday. Well, July 31st, that is. This isn't some desperate attention grab. Enough people are reading this story (and slowly spreading word on it, as my occasional Google searches show) that I don't need to make such attention grabs.

If you're a long-time reader of this story, or if you're one of the people who've just stumbled upon it and stuck with it, I'd certainly appreciate a review as a birthday present. Note that I did not demand – I merely said I'd appreciate. I'm not one of those authors who will ask to "read and review" every single chapter (If anything, I find that vain and self-serving, as I believe people will review if they think it's worth their time and shouldn't be expected to do anything!) but I think a person is entitled to be a little more selfish than normal on their birthday. Thus, this request, especially since it's been awhile since I've had a pretty good review.

Alternatively, the page for this fanfic on TVTropes could use some updating as well. Just search for it on there; you'll find it. It interests me to see what tropes people think with my story... and a few that had predicted story events made me smile. I promise that, aside from my initial edit, I have not touched that page (or if I have, it's for very minor corrections; never deletions, nor additions after my initial ones) so I'm curious to see what kind of tropes you think I'm running – some intentional, some just a very lucky accident.

A third option is a little free publicity. It always interests me to see this story pop up on other forums, in other places, and read other opinions. Occasionally I find myself wishing I could reply, as I don't mind striking up correspondence with people who are reading my work, but admittedly, I haven't even been able to post in my regular forums all that much... though I have struck up regular correspondence with a few people, and they're rather interesting folk.

Anyway... merely consider one of those. My real-life job is kicking my butt, and I've not done any real writing in the last few months due to a lot of events in my life in the past three months or so, but I've continued to meet a weekly update schedule, every Sunday, for this story for the past sixty-one weeks and I plan to continue doing so until the story concludes in fifteen more. I don't care if the review is good or bad (if anything, bad reviews are more interesting than good ones because they demonstrate flaws, perceived or otherwise) but it's a birthday present that doesn't cost you money; merely time.

We now return to your regularly scheduled chapter.

* * *

Chapter 61: "Foregone Absolution"

* * *

Viewpoint: Seo Akira

* * *

"…...Mmmf."

I rub my eyes as I wake up. I was so caught up in what Tohno-senpai said, that I couldn't sleep at all...

"Finally awake, eh?" A familiar voice calls out.

I sit up and look in the direction of the voice. Rio is sitting in a chair, her legs propped up on another one, as she casually looks at me. A open book on psychology is on her chest, held by her hands. Waking up must've interrupted her studying time.

"...What time is it?" I shake the lingering tiredness from my head.

"About 4:30. What the heck did you do last night, Aki-chan? It's not like you to sleep all day." She scowls. "I keep telling you to treat your body better, you know. Drinking alcohol is going to stunt your growth if you keep it up."

"...Oh, quit with the nagging, Rio! You're sounding like an old granny."

"I can't help it," she says with a bit of a laugh. "It's the job of the wise to make others like them."

"Yeah, well, sometimes your wisdom sucks." I stick out my tongue to let her know I'm joking.

"Well, what can I say?" She offers with a shrug and a slight smile. "The wise aren't always one hundred percent correct. And they'll admit that, too."

I laugh a little. Rio somehow is always able to do this, to have me ticked at her for her flaws and then have me laugh from traits I like. I guess it's why we go well together. "Actually…... I've been thinking about what Tohno-senpai said. I couldn't shake it out of my head, so I couldn't fall asleep."

"Mmm," she says, immediately turning serious. "Bothering you that badly, huh?"

"Well... yeah... I mean, wouldn't it bother you if a girl told you she was in love with you? Especially a girl who was your senpai and older than you were?" I blink.

"Bothered? Nah, not really. But I'd definitely have to think it over, definitely. That isn't the sort of decision to just make at a fingersnap... for either party," she muses. "First thing's first... what is she to you, really?"

"Really...? Well... Tohno-senpai is senpai," I begin. "A close friend. Someone who picks on me, and she can be mean like that sometimes... but at the same time, if I'm in real trouble, I can count on her, I think. I mean, I might not be here right now if it weren't for her..."

...No, I probably wouldn't be. I would have been absolutely crushed flat by that heavy pillar that had nearly fallen on me. And she definitely trusts me with her secret, which I haven't told anyone. I don't want to die yet. I want to live a full, long life... at least another 60, 70 years.

I know we can't live forever... but I also know I'm way too young to die.

"What else is she to you?" Rio asks, setting her textbook aside for now.

"Well... I fear and respect her, I guess. I mean... there's not many people who I can both admire and be scared of, you know?" I say with a shrug. "So... I guess the best thing to say is that she's someone I want to be friends with as well as someone I don't want to be on the bad side of."

"Probably a pretty smart idea, yeah. Oh yeah..." She snaps her fingers. "I almost forgot. She showed up while you were passed out." Rio stretches in her chair.

"...S-She did?ǃ Why didn't you wake meǃ?" Damn! I wanted to talk to her...

"Last time I tried waking you up about eight hours ago, I nearly got kicked in the mouth." Rio shrugs. "You should take up martial arts like I do. If I wouldn't have, I'd probably be missing a few teeth because I was unable to dodge it." She laughs.

"…...Sorry," I say with a blush. "I didn't mean to... you know you'd kick my butt in a fight..."

"Yeah, I know. You get real touchy when you're sleeping. I know you by now." She laughs a bit. It helps me feel a little less embarrassed, at least.

"...What did Tohno-senpai say when she came over?" I get off of my bed and stretch hard. I can hear and feel some of my joints popping.

"She wanted to talk to you tomorrow," she says matter-of-factly. "Seemed unsure of how I'd take the message... or you, for that matter."

...I feel my throat tighten and dry up a little.

Talking tomorrow... well, that can mean only one thing...

She wants to talk about... well...

"...Do you... think she wants to ask how I feel about what she said...?" Suddenly, I feel a little hot, too...

"Probably. I guess she's gotten over saying that to you now, so now she wants to know how you feel about it. Have you decided what you're gonna tell her?" Rio smirks a bit, almost as if she knows what I'm going to answer.

"...Well... I've never been in a relationship like that, you know that..." I look down.

"There's a first for everything, you know. And I think she's quite serious that she'd love you." Rio smiles a bit.

"But... well... she's... a girl..." I blush, pushing my fingers together a bit.

"And? It's not like that's generally a bad thing. You won't get pregnant, for example." Rio laughs. "Besides... you wouldn't be this torn up about it if you weren't seriously considering it, would you?"

Truth be told... I'm not sure how to react to that. I mean... Tohno-senpai isn't the kind of person who would just say that, even as a joke. That's not her. But still... she IS a girl. So am I. Neither of us can escape those facts. And the last thing I really want is someone spreading all sorts of nasty, ugly rumors... It's not like I don't like boys, I do, I just...

"Well... no, I guess..." I say with a sigh. "I mean... if it didn't bug me at all, then I'd definitely have gotten over it a long time ago..."

Rio lifts her textbook from her chest, and after she gets up from her chair, she walks over to me. "Look, Aki-chan. Sometimes you don't know whether or not you'll like something until you try it, you know. What's the harm in trying something? If you don't like it, you can just say you don't like it, after all. I think she'd understand."

"...W-Well... I don't want to disappoint Tohno-senpai... I mean... what if she expects me to be... you know..." I can't finish the thought. Tohno-senpai definitely would be expecting that... right...?

"...Not a virgin?" Rio smirks slightly, which makes blood fill my cheeks. "I think she's pretty much figured out you are. You can just sort of... tell when someone is. And you're not really the type to be promiscuous or anything..."

"O-Of course not!" I shout, shocked. "I've never done that with anyone! And—"

Rio laughs. "What are you telling me for? I know that already, silly. Don't worry about all of that. She's not doing it just to get into your panties." She smiles. "She's not the sort of girl who would just want a relationship for the sexual aspect of it. No, a woman like Tohno-senpai is someone for whom relationships have lots of meaning. I don't think she'd allow herself to be in one that was just for carnal pleasure."

...Well... that's not Tohno-senpai's style, anyway. And from what Souka-san said about her... she was a virgin too. I was spared the details, but she said it was just... cute to watch how she reacted, somehow. I don't really get it. How could that be cute...? I mean... they make faces... so...?

"So? Gonna do it?" Rio looks at me and smiles. "You're gonna be without a boyfriend for awhile otherwise, you know... at least, one you could see regularly. Actually... now that I think about it... didn't you like a boy whose last name was Tohno, too...?"

...Shiki-san...

"...That's her brother," I say with a slightly embarrassed blush as I look down.

Rio bursts into laughter. "Oh, wow. Runs in the family then, does it? Like they exude some kind of natural charm..."

"Idiot, stop making jokes at his expense!" I stamp my feet slightly as I yell. "He's not even here to defend against them!"

"Calm down, Aki-chan." Rio laughs. "I'm just teasing, you know. You don't have to get so super-defensive. Then again... you wouldn't defend him so hard if there wasn't something there, would you?"

"That's not it at all!" I complain. "It's not nice to say things behind people's backs like that no matter who they are! It doesn't matter that it's Shiki-san or not!"

"...Shiki-san, eh? So you know him on a first-name basis..." She smirks a little.

"Rio!"

She just laughs... but finally stops with her teasing. "Anyway... how would he react to his sister dating his friend, huh?" Rio smirks.

"Th-That's for them to deal with!" I stammer. "Look... this is tough enough to decide without you being mean, Rio! Please stop!"

"Aww." She pouts. "It's only because you're so wound up, you know." She reaches over, and hugs me. "Just relax a bit... it's not like you're making some heaven-or-hell decision, you know. At worst, it's just an experiment, at best... well, you'll be in love and find out all the fun of that." She smiles.

...Rio brings up a good point. It's not like this is something that has to last forever. And more than that, it's not something that you can't back out of if you decide it's not for you. I mean, if Tohno-senpai knew you didn't like it, it's not like she'd force you to stay in it, right...?"

"Well, no..." I confess. "I mean, I think she wants me to pick what I'm happiest with... so I shouldn't really focus on it being such a super big deal."

"Right," Rio says with a nod. "It's an important decision, yeah... life-changing, maybe... but it's not one you're stuck with. If you like it, great, if not... just back out. No long-term harm done, right?"

"I guess," I say, sitting back down on my bed. "I'm just... well, kinda nervous. I mean... Tohno-senpai is someone who's hard to read. This thing came out of nowhere, so..."

"Wouldn't surprise me that you're so nervous," Rio says. "I was my first time, too, you know."

"...You've done that?" I blush deeply. Rio's... actually done this sort of thing before...? All of a sudden it's like I'm the only one out of the friends I know who hasn't...

"Yeah... but truth be told, the guy was a bit of a jerk." She shakes her head. "It was a hard lesson, I'll admit, but it's a lesson I definitely learned from. That's how I can tell Tohno-senpai is looking out for you. A girl isn't going to be like a guy there, for one... even girls who like girls tend to desire mutual relationships as opposed to pure sex." She states this like she was some kind of mother figure. "Number two, from what you've said about their family, they're pretty interesting people. They're well-known, of course, and Tohno-senpai is doing a good job representing her family by being constantly top place in the school's grades. Number three, you're always excited about going over there, aren't you? So then how is this any different from any other sort of time that you'd want to go over there...?"

"Well yeah, but that's because Tohno-senpai and Shiki-san are my friends," I admit, a little embarrassed. "It's a little different if I'm going to have a relationship with them, Rio..."

"All that's going to change is that you two are going to have a romantic interest in each other. You'll want to be with Tohno-senpai as much as you can, and she'd want to be with you." She nods. "It's not like you two have to be attached at the hip every single day all week, you know... though I'd bet that for awhile, you two would be wishing that you were." She laughs.

"...Rio! It's not like I'd ever be so... petty that it's all I'd want out of Tohno-senpai!"

"Sure, sure... you want more, of course. But the simple fact is that time constraints are going to limit your time... so basically, when you two get time together, you're going to spend it together as much as you can... and it's not unrealistic to think that eventually it'd be something dirty." She laughs.

...I feel the heat filling my cheeks.

It's not like I'm doing this just to get under Tohno-senpai's skirt! I mean, it I did agree to it, it's not something that I'd just accept for that petty reason. I like Tohno-senpai for a lot more reasons than her body... especially since she already feels uncomfortable about her body. I've seen her comparing my bust size to hers more than once... she looked almost worried that one day, I'd somehow top her in the chest department... not that I really care very much about any of that sort of stuff.

No... I'm doing this because I have a curious feeling about this relationship... a sort of feeling that I haven't had before. One that says "It's not your usual sort of choice, but it can't hurt to look, can it...?"

And... I guess it's right.

I'm beating myself up over this pretty badly, and if I know Tohno-senpai like I think I do, she probably went to bed without resolving to do anything, because the way that she was raised, things are only finished and will go through with her word and her word alone.

Rio chuckles slightly. "You're worrying yourself far, far too much, Aki-chan. This isn't the sort of thing that you need to really stress yourself over so much. Look... I'll get right to the point, alright?"

"Please," I say. I'm beginning to get sick of this conversation... but more importantly, I'm beginning to get sick of feeling so wound up over this. It's not like me to ever get this wound up... but, as she pointed out... it's probably because I value this so highly, that it's why I'm worrying over it like I am.

"Like I said earlier, just give it a shot. You don't know if you like something until you try it... either way, you'll find out if you can do it or not. And I don't think she'd hold it against you, so to speak, if you figured out you couldn't." She nods, confident in her predictions as always. "Do you think you can do that, Aki-chan?"

"…...…...…I guess," I finally say after thinking it over for a few moments.

She does have a point, really. The reason I'm so nervous about this is because... well, it's because I haven't done any of this before, not with a boy and certainly not with a girl. I've kissed a few boys on the cheek, but that's about it... so I'm afraid I'd disappoint her, or do something wrong, or who knows what to make Tohno-senpai angry... and Tohno-senpai's anger might as well be the wrath of the god of gods.

But Rio's also right... I'm nervous because I don't know what to expect, really. Having never been in a relationship like that before... well... on one hand, I'm glad someone likes me like that, but I'm also journeying into uncharted territory. I'm not too fond of that. It's like my visions... I'll see something, but I'll have no idea if they'll come true or not. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. It's fine when it's just something small like me having a mint and chocolate chip ice cream cone...

…...But when I begin seeing corpses and bodies piled up... it's terrifying.

So is this, in a way... all because I had a vision of what looked like an older me and an older Tohno-senpai kissing. It may not even be her... it may be someone else who looks like her, as I bluffed and said it was originally. But the simple fact of the matter is... I just _**KNOW**_ that it's her. There's no avoiding that... the girl I was kissing was Tohno-senpai.

And worse... I also know what happens when people don't heed my words, or change themselves, whenever I have a vision...

…...What happens is that it comes true, without fail.

Is... that going to come true, then? If so... I won't know for awhile. Assuming it _**WAS**_ both myself and her, then I'd definitely be fully grown up, and obviously so had she. Even then... that looked like we were a definite couple... we had no problem showing such affection publicly, like we had taken a "come what may" sort of attitude towards whoever would see us. Like it was something we'd done for years. Like it was the most perfectly natural thing in the world.

And I know I wouldn't have to worry about some of the stuff I worry about now... Both Shiki-san and Tohno-senpai are special people. Not just in the usual, figurative sense... but in the actual sense. They are both strong, in their own ways. She may think of both Shiki-san and herself as monsters, but the simple truth is... I disagree with her.

I don't know the details of Shiki-san's abilities, but from what Tohno-senpai said, they're pretty incredible. Something with his eyes, and the fact that he can kill anything... or almost anything. A murderer who isn't a killer. Is such a thing even possible...? If so, Shiki-san is the one who's a good example of it.

...And then, of course, there is Tohno-senpai's own abilities. A superhuman form, of sorts... where she was able to lift a heavy pillar off of my legs. She looked like she was in a bit of shock in transforming... something like that must be somewhat hard on her body. But she did it to save me... and then when we got to her house, she told me a bit about herself and her abilities.

She trusts me. She trusts me enough that she would open up that part of herself to me. Because... she loves me. She loves me as more than a friend, or more than even a good friend.

She loves me... as one would fall in love with a stranger. To want them. To hold them. To make them a part of their life...

…...Tohno-senpai wants to spend her life with me.

And here I am, like some silly little girl, doubting myself... doubting that I'm good enough, or experienced enough, or in some cases, even worthy of Tohno-senpai's affection. That'd all be good if this was me just having some sort of silly, Class S crush on Tohno-senpai...

...But the problem is that it's not. Because Tohno-senpai is the one who said those words herself. And while it's entirely possible for a person to dismiss their own thinking... it's impossible to change someone else's opinion of you, unless you do a lot of hard work... or destroy the relationship.

…...And needless to say, I'm not about to destroy my relationship with Tohno-senpai just because I'm acting like a scared little girl who doesn't know what to do.

Rio is right. So is Souka-san. Tohno-senpai wouldn't care that I'm not "experienced." My experience there is probably the furthest thought from her mind. All she wants is someone to give her some measure of happiness, peace, and stability. Stuff that, from what little I know from Tohno-senpai, Shiki-san, and Souka-san, she's never really had... so I can't blame her for it, I guess.

...I guess it can be tough on someone like her. Dad is pretty well off, and although he raised me well I think, he was never on that sort of "proper lady" level that Tohno-senpai, Souka-san, or Rio went through. Rio and Souka-san rebelled nearly completely... but Tohno-senpai, she seemed to succumb and resign to that fate.

…...Even though she submitted to it, though, it seems to have not changed everything for Tohno-senpai. It's not very often, but little flashes of a more free spirit do come out. She's considerably less formal with her friends unless out in public... and she also wore that one outfit last Sunday. She didn't have to... but she wanted to.

Truly... Tohno-senpai seems to sometimes be two different people in the same body.

When I first met her, she and Souka-san would bicker endlessly about silly little points of etiquette. Tohno-senpai would always argue about why Souka-san should be proper, and Souka-san would play devil's advocate, showing why she should not be. Sometimes, Tohno-senpai would win, and sometimes Souka-san would win. And whichever one lost would swear up and down that they would win the next argument over etiquette, even if it meant cheating.

It was highly competitive.

The strange thing is, the more I was around for these arguments... the more I saw they not only had them, but actually looked forward to them. It was rather like watching a tiger and a dragon fight, and then afterwards they would go out for beer together. It took me only a few weeks to see why these two were able to get along so well... and that was because Tohno-senpai and Souka-san were both kind of links to their other sides.

For Tohno-senpai, Souka-san represented everything she wanted to be, but could not be - a free spirit, and a free thinker. Able to use common, simple language instead of excessive formality. Casual dress that was completely unlike what a "proper" lady should wear. Even things like biting her nails, or occasionally spitting. Souka-san was the "forbidden" side of Tohno-senpai that never developed.

For Souka-san, Tohno-senpai was, obviously, a reminder of what she was supposed to be, and trying to avoid. She must have been able to see or sense how... browbeaten... Tohno-senpai must have been, and having managed to escape from that... I guess she took it upon herself to slowly get her to change her thinking, change her actions...

...Change her life.

And slowly, I guess she did. Tohno-senpai is less scary now than when I first met her. Back then, she was cold and unapproachable, and she slowly over time began to worry less about what was "proper" and simply began thinking of what was "right" in her mind. This was especially true after her father died. I never even saw Tohno-senpai cry over it. If she was saddened by his passing, she sure wasn't for long.

She is still a bit proper... but that fits her. Tohno-senpai wouldn't be the same without that air of coolheadedness, I think. But she's warmed up to the idea of others being important to her, slowly but surely. I was... kind of floored when she asked to have lunch with me. That's why it hurt so much when I realized she did it to trap me. But I felt guilty about snapping, so I went to apologize, and it turned into a sort of mutual apology.

And then we had lunch together, and I asked her about god. And we both regretted having to stop it, so we planned for next week, and then... well, I got hurt.

But I'm not going to let that stop me. No. I'm going to keep pursuing this... even if it bites me in the butt later, that's probably the best thing to do right now.

"…...…Alright then," I finally say as I nod with conviction. "I'll think about it some more..."

Rio smiles and hugs me. "Good luck, Aki-chan."

* * *

...I'm still not sure if I'm making the right choice...  
...But Rio is right. I need to just be brave and willing to try things.  
Who knows... maybe I'll even surprise myself...?

* * *

Next Week (8/7/11) – Chapter 62: "Spiritual Stew"


	63. Spiritual Stew

Chapter 62: "Spiritual Stew"

* * *

Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha

* * *

"Welcome home, Akiha-san." Yumizuka-san greets me as I arrive home from my classes. "I hope that your class day went well?"

"…...Yes, it did, although... I am surprised to see you here, Yumizuka-san... but with no sign of Hisui." I look around for her. "Where is she?"

"Laying down, I'm afraid," Yumizuka-san explains with a small frown. "She said she was feeling sick, so I told her I'd take care of things so she could recover." She continues to sweep the floor.

"Ah," I say, understanding. After all, I cannot blame Hisui for that. Even I get sick sometimes, and Hisui is not the type to routinely shun her duties. If she is feeling unwell, then it is certainly genuine. "Very well, then since she is unable to, I shall make dinner for us instead. Yumizuka-san, do you desire anything?"

"I don't want to impose, Akiha-san. Whatever you make will be fine." She smiles slightly as she sweeps up some dust into a dustpan.

It seems this has fallen into routine for her already, as she hardly seems to be straining herself, and she handles the broom naturally. Presumably, she had to do some housework before...

…...Back when she still had a family and the life of a normal girl.

"Alright then," I reply. "I will go inform Hisui first so that she does not have to worry about it. Please continue to perform your duties. Dinner should be ready within an hour or so."

"Of course, Akiha-san. Please, take your time and do what you need to do." Yumizuka-san nods affirmatively in my direction, before she resumes her sweeping. With this, I walk towards Hisui's bedroom door, and knock on it softly.

"...Yes?" She sounds a little hoarse.

"It is me, Hisui. May I come in?" I reply.

"...I don't want you getting sick, Akiha-sama, but I can't stop you..." I hear her say somewhat weakly.

"I will be fine," I say as I open the door. The demon's blood that runs in my veins virtually ensures that me becoming ill is something that almost never happens... and when it does happen, it rarely lasts for more than a day or two, in the case of most infections.

Looking upon the scene inside, I can see that Hisui has herself piled under blankets. Fresh air is flowing in from the window, presumably her attempt to make herself feel better, but as she still seems obviously sick, it is essentially little more than a placebo.

Looking over Hisui, I can see that she is definitely ill... and Hisui is not the type of person who could fake being sick. She shivers, even though she is under several blankets, and her face both is red with fever and yet moist with sweat.

"Mmm... flu?" I ask her.

"I... think so, Akiha-sama..." She replies, a little feebly. I feel her forehead. Quite warm and damp with sweat, and yet she shivers under her blankets. Feeling cold while your body actually burns with fever... a quite unpleasant feeling.

"...It is rare for you to get sick since you usually wash things quite thoroughly." I comment. "Try to think, Hisui. What were the things you did over the last several hours?"

"Well... after you left, I began cleaning. After a few hours, I decided to stop cooking while I ate, and as I ate, I began to prepare for dinner for when you got home. I decided to try cooking up a beef stew. It wasn't too bad, but I don't think it agreed with me..." As if on cue, her stomach growls... well, perhaps growls is the incorrect word. "Gurgles" would be more correct.

...And if she is sick this suddenly and this deeply... then it probably is not flu at all.

"...Either that, or you undercooked the beef stew and got food poisoning," I say with a bit of a sigh. "How long did you cook it?"

"About... 20 minutes at 57 Centigrade..." She answers after a moment of thought.

...I sigh. She brought this upon herself, definitely. She undercooked the beef... by far.

"...Hisui." I cross my arms. "If you are going to cook meat for a stew, it needs to be at least 63, if not 68 Centigrade. You probably did not kill all of the germs inside. It is very likely that you have food poisoning... not the flu."

"…...Oh," she says, mentally kicking herself. She would do it physically as well, I am sure, but she obviously does not have the strength to do so.

"Do not let that discourage you though. Learn from it, instead." I try to encourage her a little, to soften the disappointment at her continued mistakes while cooking. "The first time I made eggs, I overcooked them. They turned into something like rubber, and did not taste much better. I ate them anyway, so that I would remember my lesson to never overcook them again."

Hisui gags slightly as she hears me say I ate them. "...Sorry, Akiha-sama." For what it is worth, I decide to leave out other examples of me overcooking or undercooking food... lest Hisui wind up vomiting all over the place, and leave Yumizuka-san to perform the clean-up of that particularly unenjoyable chore twice within two weeks.

"Do not worry. As I said... just learn from this little mistake. It is always better to overcook meat a little bit than to undercook it." I explain. "Overcooked meat is just a little dry and rubbery. Undercooked meat... well, you are where you are, and feeling how you feel."

"Yes, Akiha-sama." She nods slightly.

"But I am not here to continually point out your mistakes. You know what you did wrong, so it is pointless to keep telling you exactly what it was that you did. For now, you could probably use some water and some rest. I will be cooking if you wish to eat, although I doubt it..."

She quickly shakes her head. "Just... water... please, Akiha-sama." She looks slightly embarrassed that she is asking me for such a thing. After all... she is the maid and I am the mistress. I am not supposed to be serving her, and if Otou-sama were here he'd probably have her get her own water.

But Tohno Akiha... does not think in that way. No. This is simply a case of human compassion, and while Otou-sama may have been comfortable as a demon in a human skin, Tohno Akiha is more of a human with savage tendencies. Hisui may have gotten ill because of an oversight on her part, but that does not mean that I should just tell her to suffer because of it.

I walk towards the kitchen, as I think over why Hisui would try something that is perhaps a bit out of her reach at this point. Her cooking has certainly gotten better over the last year, yes... though I do not know why she would really entrust herself to something quite of this level yet. Stew is not horribly complex... but at the same time, one has to make it carefully. It cannot just be thrown together sloppily, by any stretch of the imagination.

Hisui did not intend to make herself sick... indeed, if she was cooking stew, she was probably hoping to surprise me with it when I came home. A good attempt overall, but unfortunately, one she lacked the experience to successfully do. A simple taste-test, then, is what she had for lunch... but it was enough to throw her stomach into revolution, both literally and figuratively.

...I cannot help but smile slightly at the fact that she would attempt to surprise me like that.

Humans, after all, are not perfect, and if we were perfect, as one famous scientist has said, we would not exist. Part of being human is accepting these flaws.

But part of being human is also helping those who cannot help themselves. A proper person, after all, will chip in for those whom they value. A friend, a family, even an acquaintance. Humans put a remarkable strength on the relationships they have with their fellow humans, compared to most species, whom tend to compete with one another for resources, land, and the rights to mate with members of the pack.

Humans, fortunately, are not so shortsighted.

That is why Yumizuka-san has taken over Hisui's chores. Even though she is no longer human, she still thinks like one, acts like one, and – at least, I think – believes she still is one, in many ways. It takes time to wear the humanity out of a Dead Apostle... and as Yumizuka-san has only been one for a year or so, that is simply not enough time to have driven it out of her yet.

...That is why I am more than happy to get Hisui a simple glass of water. Because it is a very simple request... and because it would be quite hypocritical of me to go ahead and cook for myself and Yumizuka-san, without getting Hisui a simple glass of water... something that scarcely takes any effort, nor any more preparation than simply time itself.

One should not put pride, nor "proper" thinking, before the simple human needs. Maid and servant or not, Hisui is still a human. She has her own thoughts, wishes, desires, hopes, dreams... it is wrong to simply demand she shut them down, especially when she did so herself for so long. I have worked hard, along with Kohaku to an extent, to bring that side of her back out, and slowly but surely it is manifesting.

That is why Hisui was cooking. She was hoping to impress me and earn my praise. It would have pleased her greatly, then, if it had worked out, and I came home, she surprised me with her cooking, and I told her I enjoyed her stew.

…...Unfortunately, due to a mistake in the preparation, she was not able to do that.

She probably figures it is better that she got sick for this, as opposed to myself, but I would have preferred she did not get sick either, of course. I would have been more than surprised just for her to tell me that she wished to cook dinner for both of us, and would have even helped her.

I turn the water off, and walk back to Hisui's bed with the glass. I carefully hand it to her as she sits up and takes several swallows of the water before carefully laying it on a small endtable and laying back down.

"By the way, Hisui..."

"...?" She turns to me. "Yes, Akiha-sama?"

"I will look forward to enjoying your stew the next time you prepare it," I say with a smile.

Her jade eyes blink as I quietly close her door on my way out.

* * *

"So that's what all that sneakyness was about, huh..." Yumizuka-san furrows her brow slightly. "I didn't think that Hisui-san would be that type of person."

"I have to admit, I admire the fact she worked up the courage to do it," I reply after I swallow my mouthful of food. "I only wish it had turned out better for her."

"Well, practice makes perfect. Nobody can cook something perfectly on the first try, right?" Yumizuka-san smiles slightly, and she swallows a mouthful of broth carefully.

Yumizuka-san and myself are having a simple dinner of butajiru* together. It is the least I can do for her, considering she is shortened on sleep due to Hisui's illness and she was forced to take on their usual split workload. A vampire may not tire easily, if ever, but that does not mean it is not frustrating for Yumizuka-san to have to handle that burden, even if she took upon it completely willingly.

"Well, I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I found her in the kitchen, I asked what was up, and she shooed me away. I figured it was a surprise for one of us... too bad it didn't work out for her."

"Part of learning how to cook is learning from your mistakes. Nobody is born a perfect cook. The first time I attempted to scramble eggs it was more like disgusting rubber. I learned from my mistake by eating them. I have yet to improperly cook eggs since." I calmly lift out a piece of pork with my chopsticks and put it in my mouth.

"Wow... you're pretty brave then, Akiha-san. I would've never been able to do that... I probably would have just given up cooking." She laughs slightly.

...A strange thought strikes me, though, from this conversation. Even though it is... well, impolite to discuss such things, morbid curiosity strikes.

…...And I suppose as long as high amounts of detail are not gone into, that it will be a big deal.

"…...The bathroom, Yumizuka-san?" I ask.

"Eh? Uh, yeah. The bathroom." She nods.

"...I did not know a vampire still needed to make use of such a place," I say with some surprise.

Yumizuka-san blushes slightly. "Well, to be honest... I didn't know either," she replies. "I think it may have something to do with the fact that since I've come here, I've begun to eat regular food again, maybe... I don't know. It didn't happen until I ate 'normal' food again, I know that... while it was just blood, none of that stuff worked down there, really..."

"...This is interesting... although, I will admit, it is at a bad time to be discussing such things..." I murmur. "I mean... it is not like I ask the other vampires I know if they still do those things... or in the case of one of them, if she ever has had a need to do that at all."

"You know other vampires, Akiha-san?" Yumizuka-san seems surprised. Or, perhaps, she is just wishing to move the topic away from such indiscreet matters... or perhaps simply away from her genitalia.

Either way, it works, I suppose.

"Yes. Two others. One of them, you know – Sion Eltnam Atlasia."

"Oh, Sion!" Yumizuka-san's face brightens up almost immediately. "Yes, it's been awhile since I've seen her! How is she doing?"

"She is doing fine," I tell her. "She is still actively searching for a cure for her vampirism. In a way, actually, she is working with our more... how do I put this...? Our more medically adept family branches, the one involved in things such as genetic engineering. By using samples of her genes before her change, and comparing them to samples after, they can see what has mutated, and work on things that will either reverse those mutations, or else deactivate them."

"...And when that happens? Then what?" She blinks.

"Well... presumably, we use it to reverse her vampirism," I tell her. "If it works for her, maybe we can see if it works for you. If it works for you... then maybe we can use it to reverse our own inversion curse."

"...What about the other vampire?"

"Arcueid-san? She was born one, so I doubt it could ever work on her. Besides, she does not need blood... it is all in her head, in a way," I explain. "At the same time, Arcueid-san is a class above and beyond. I do not think myself or you would last very long against her... so it is much better to be on her good side than not."

"...I see," Yumizuka-san sadly says, clearly fearing the power of Arcueid-san, and carefully lifting the bowl to her lips once more.

She rightly should... for as vampires are compared to a normal man, Arcueid-san is to a vampire – simply above and beyond, effectively unable to be harmed. For while man will always seek to be the strongest, they are never destined to be, and even those who achieve some means of otherworldly strength, whether through arcane rituals, deals with otherworldly powers, or just plain being cursed... all come to regret it, for they learn that even in these elevated tiers of power, there are still predators whom can make them their prey, and they must avoid.

I try to change the subject off of this discouraging topic. "...How about you, Yumizuka-san? Did you cook?"

"Hm?" She lowers the bowl slightly from her lips and swallows. "Oh, yeah. I cooked fairly often with mom. I'm pretty decent at it... well, I was, before I was bitten." She rubs her neck slightly on the left-hand side. The wounds have healed, but she will probably always remember the site of injury. "I'm probably a bit out of practice, now."

"You should join Hisui and myself on Sundays, then. Kohaku is working hard to get all of us to improve our cooking. You would probably remember it in no time flat." I smile, and drink some of the broth of my soup from the bowl.

"Probably," Yumizuka-san says with a smile. "It's strange. I remember after the stuff that happened a few years ago, I'd always think of Tohno-kun when I was cooking. I wanted to make a meal so good that he'd fall in love with me," she says with a laugh.

...Well, it is no grand secret that the heart of a man can certainly be won through his stomach. It is also no real surprise that Yumizuka-san, at the age of 13 or 14, would have had that sort of naïve, yet pure and honest thought.

"Really? And what would that meal have been?" Yumizuka-san never fails to pique my interest whenever the talk turns to Nii-san.

"I never worked out the main course, but I figured the dessert would be plum pudding," she says with a shrug. "Tohno-kun always seemed to be kind of like a plum to me... not something hugely popular, but quite good, and far from unenjoyable."

...I cannot help but laugh upon hearing that, as rude as such an action is.

"...What? What's so funny about that, Akiha-san?" Yumizuka-san frowns slightly. "It's the truth, you know!"

I calm myself as quickly as possible. "...Forgive me, Yumizuka-san... it is not a fault of your own. It is just that, generally speaking, Nii-san does not like plums very much."

"...Oh," she says, looking saddened.

"But he does like their aroma, however," I continue. "So while it would be a good idea to give him something plum-scented, it is generally best if you avoid giving him something plum-flavored."

"...I see. Thank you for letting me know that, Akiha-san." She looks back up and smiles slightly.

"Yes... Nii-san's tastes are fairly simple. Probably more in line with what you would like, since he was raised in a similar background to yours," I remind her. "He does not go for food such as what I usually have."

"Says the Ojou-sama who is eating butajiru," Yumizuka-san notes with a slight smirk.

"...It is easier to cook butajiru than most things. Expediency sometimes overrules quality. That said, I think it is a fine bowl of butajiru."

Of course... I am perhaps biased.

"It is good, Akiha-sama. I haven't had butajiru too often though. I didn't even really remember what it tasted like until I had some just now. From what you've served, though, it's pretty good... it definitely holds its own." She smiles, and fishes out a small piece of pork with her chopsticks.

"Well... his palate has rubbed off on me, so to speak. Indeed, some of the 'simpler' foods are surprisingly good," I mention. "And Kohaku likes to do western-style dishes now and again, which are a totally different experience themselves. It is good to have such a varied palate, for by the time you come back to a favorite food, you are not sick of eating it by then."

"Mhm," Yumizuka-san notes with a nod. "Last Sunday she did... French Toast, I think she called it?" Her eyes roll up and to the left slightly as she thinks. "That was interesting..."

"Ah, yes, it was. It is impressive that one can gain a rather tasty breakfast simply by dipping bread into egg, and frying up the mixture. The syrup is a bit too sweet for me, though, so I tend to only use a little. If it is too sweet, then it becomes entirely inedible to me."

"It was still something pretty interesting to try," Yumizuka-san says with a laugh. "Trying new stuff isn't too bad sometimes... though I generally only wanted to eat the stuff I liked. Was a fussy little girl growing up..."

"But that changed?" I begin to finish drinking the broth.

"Yeah. Mom found ways to get me to try new stuff before long," she says with a hint of a wistful smile. "Rewards for trying out new things were small, but important... before long, when I grew up more they waned off, but by then she'd done what she felt she needed. By then the idea of trying something new was the reward itself." Her smile widens.

"I see. I never had that growing up. Oka-sama died not long after I was born. All I really have of hers are some keepsakes, some things she gave me, a few pictures..."

…...And my name.

Oka-sama named me. She had planned to do a lot with me, from what I read in her journals. I had found those, not long after I had found Otou-sama's, with what was divulged in Otou-sama's journals making me far more scrutinizing in not only searching for such a thing, but also in making sure that I read what was inside.

Perhaps it was nosy of me to do so, but... after reading what was in his, and knowing what he did with Kohaku... I wanted to make sure that at least one of my parents was what I would consider a sane, human being.

Fortunately... that was the case. Oka-sama's handwriting, despite having not been raised in a family such as ours but rather a common one, was quite crisp and sharp, as were, from what I have been able to read in her own words, her manner and her thoughts. It seemed like she truly loved Otou-sama, and he truly loved her. They lived a happy life as a couple for some years, and then they had "him."

Not long after "he" was born, I would be. But... having so much demonic blood mix with pure human blood...

…...It is what set up the disaster that was to come.

Without giving Oka-sama time to recover from having her first child, she was pregnant with me. The strain of having to feed blood far more potent and powerful than your own not once, but twice, in two years...

…...In the end, this was what killed Oka-sama. Her body could not take the strain. But even then... she died happy. I know this.

"...Akiha-san? Are you okay?" Yumizuka-san's voice calls out, noticing that I trailed off in speech.

"...Yes, I am fine, Yumizuka-san. Sorry if my little mental digression distressed you." I stand up and get out of my chair, pushing it into the table. "Please put the bowls in the sink; do not worry about washing them for now. I will get around to it in a little while."

I excuse myself from the table. Whether Yumizuka-san agrees to leave the dishes or not, is honestly of little concern to me right now.

* * *

* Butajiru - Literally "Pork/Pig Soup." Also called Tonjiru in Eastern Japan.

* * *

...There is so little that I ultimately know about Oka-sama.  
A person who was instrumental in giving me life...  
…And yet was only there for the thinnest slice thereof.

* * *

Next Week (8/17/11) – Chapter 63: "Yellowed Pages"


	64. Yellowed Pages

Chapter 63: "Yellowed Pages"

* * *

Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha

* * *

I walk to the room Otou-sama had lived in for essentially all of his life. The door opens with a noisy, low creak when I turn the handle – a sign that this room has not been opened in quite some time.

The room is, for all intents and purposes, as he left it. A time capsule, of a time that is both so recent that it remains pellucid in my mind, and yet so distant that it truly feels like that it was another world entirely.

A simple bed. A plain dresser. A work desk, no doubt stained with blood, sweat, and tears.

Cursed blood, desperate sweat, false tears.

When he was born in the mid 1960s, he was brought here. This was his bedroom. From crib, to bed, to bigger bed, as he grew, this constant remained in his life, even after Sofu-sama* had inverted, and sensing that he had just become family head, Otou-sama killed him and promptly stepped in to take the reins of controlling the destiny of the Tohno.

Otou-sama was always a practical man. He was raised in a different era from me, or Nii-san. His authority is the one that mattered – his, and no other.

For five years, he lived completely alone, in this house. Members of our branch families would come to see him, but aside from the grounds crews, the maids, and the cook, none lived here. The relationship was strictly professional to them; he was master, and they were servants. And they were paid well enough, so they were fine with this.

...Then, one day, something caught his eye. And Otou-sama experienced something he had never felt from his father, nor anyone he had ever associated with.

To this day, I am not sure how, exactly, those two could fall in love. From what little I know, they do not seem like the sort of people who would ever realistically have a chance. He, broody, distant, and solitary; she, confident, personable, and outgoing.

They should never have been the type to be together. But... together they were. And a family was born, with two children, all because two people fell in love.

But the love was short-lived. Having now experienced the bitter loss of someone who he put so much time, effort, and energy into being with... Otou-sama could not take it. He shuttered his heart; he silenced his humanity, and he endured his pain, day in and day out, because pride would not allow him to take his own life.

He waited for the inversion impulse to do that.

And then when the time came, it was inside of this room, the only sanctuary he ever had, that he ended his life. We were able to cover it up publicly... but Jinan-sensei told us quite clearly, that Otou-sama had ingested cyanide to take his own life when he felt that he could no longer keep from inverting. He had to; hanging, gunshot, or any other means of definite, immediate death would have left evidence. Evidence that would have been difficult to keep out of the news.

Unlike branch members of the family, the nominal head of the Tohno family and businesses could not choose such a violent, definitive end. Not without staging a very elaborate suicide that looks like an accident. Even then... that burdens other people, and one of the few slivers of humanity that remained with Otou-sama throughout was that he was very self-sufficient. He did not burden any more people than he felt was necessary.

But... he also did not want me to have to do what he did. He could not bear the thought of me having to kill him. Even though he trained me for it... even though he told me someday it would happen...

...In the end, his last thoughts were to spare me the guilt that he had to live with for the fifteen years since then.

I did not bat an eyelash, even as Hisui ran into my room, mewling and babbling, saying Otou-sama was dead. Neither did Kohaku, who just sat in his room silently, looking at the body that was laying on the floor.

His final note, written in a shaking, inhuman scrawl. Just three words, written by his favorite pen.

_"Good luck, Akiha."_

We just set about the task and the work of informing the branch members that he had died and I was now the official head of the family, as "Shiki" was still too ill to take care of duties... although they had no idea that whom they thought I referred to and who I actually referred to, were two different people.

Business as usual, even with his death. It chills my blood to remember how quickly I had settled into that role as if it was my purpose in life. Because, the truth is, that is how Otou-sama wanted it. He wanted me to be that way, to just focus on running things and settling disputes.

Because, truth be told... I do not think he wanted me to ever find love.

But, not for selfish reasons. No. One would think that it was to prevent the pain that he experienced, and while I suppose that may be part of the reason, I think the more correct reason is because it would continue our curse. If I had fallen in love, I would naturally stand a chance of becoming pregnant, and becoming pregnant would mean I would have a child, and that child would have the same amount of blood I would have... because our demonic blood is passed on matrilineally.

That is why female Tohno are so rare until modern times. If one was born, they were not even seen as kin – but as risk. They were often killed outright, thousands of years ago, when one was born. Simply bashed against the ground, or a cliff, or a tree, until they stopped screaming...

...It is thanks to their deaths that my blood is even manageable since it was thinned by impregnating human females, decreasing the thickness of the demon blood generation to generation, but I already have the sins of my ancestors engraved upon my soul as a result.

I sigh, and walk over towards the wall to open his safe, where he kept his own journal of observations. I then feel around for the small button that will open up the hidden compartment inside, pressing it when it is found. This opens up a small chamber in the floor of the safe.

It is here, that he hid pictures and the journal of Oka-sama. I am not sure how many nights he may have spent here, looking at these pictures and reading this diary... but I would not be surprised if it was every night while he had his sanity... even if that meant that he would be looking at the woman he loved after he had just finished raping a female child.

For love changes a person; once they fall in love, they never can be truly alone again.

I take the pictures and the diary, and sit in the chair of his desk. I have read the diary before, front to back, more times than I care to count. And yet, from time to time, I read it again, and every time it gains a deeper meaning... because usually when I read it, I am going through profound changes in my life... changes that I can associate with the writings.

Instinctively, I flip to a certain page. I know full well where it is by mere muscle memory alone. I begin reading it aloud, quietly.

"January 6, 1985 - Dr. Jinan confirmed it... I'm definitely pregnant. Shiki's going to have a sibling to play with after all! They'll be about a year apart, by the time I have the child... but that should make them pretty close siblings. Looks like late September or early October will be their birthday... well, maybe if they're close enough, I can combine their parties, at least..."

Flip.

"March 17, 1985 - I've begun thinking about what I should name the newborn. Since Makihisa got to name the firstborn, we agreed that I would get to name the secondborn. I've narrowed the names down to three each for both genders... If female, Kana (Musical Air), Akiha (Autumn Leaf), or Shino (Plains Wind). If male, Kazahiko (Boyish manner), Akio (Autumn Male) or Akihito (Autumn One)... although that last one might draw comparisons to Prince Akihito. I guess we'll find out in another couple months if it's a boy or a girl..."

Flip.

"April 29, 1985 - It's a girl! Shiki will have a sister then. Makihisa was a bit nervous about it being a girl, but I told him not to worry. We'll raise her fine, I'm sure. So, I guess I can throw out those boy names... now... Kana, Akiha, or Shino? Which one do you think you'll like? I can feel you moving in there... what will you be like? Who will you grow up to be? I can't wait to find out..."

…...…...I cannot help but sigh in an odd sense of nostalgia that is surely not mine, for some reason. Flip.

"June 23, 1985 - Shiki seems to have taken an interest in my belly as it's beginning to grow. He looks down every time he sees it move when she moves or kicks. I'm still deciding on just what to name her. I think I'm fairly confident on what I'll name her, but I'm still weighing things. For his part, Makihisa has been wonderfully supportive of this all..."

Flip.

"July 31, 1985 - It's decided then, and so is her name. The world will welcome Tohno Akiha sometime this September. Dr. Jinan said it will likely be around the middle of the month. As for me... I'll just be glad to have a daughter. Makihisa is serious about raising an heir for his family, so at least a sister will give him someone to play with and make his life easier, and not full of just working all the time..."

…...My hand tremors and shakes slightly. Flip...

"September 25, 1985 - The birth was a successful one. Tohno Akiha was born on September 22nd a very healthy girl, at 3.2 kilograms. She looks quite a bit like me. I already feel very close to her. I can't really explain it... there is just something about having a daughter that seems to make a woman care even more for her children. Maybe it's because while Shiki will inherit everything from Makihisa, Akiha will have to distinguish herself in some other way. I'll have to see if I can help her with that..."

...I wish Oka-sama were right. Flip...

"December 2, 1985 - Went to see Dr. Jinan today to ask him about these dizziness and fainting spells I've been having lately. After an examination, he told me bad news... I have 'cold agglutinin disease.' Basically, if my body temperature gets too cold, my body clumps up my red blood cells, and my white blood cells will bind to them and destroy them. I must avoid cold environments as much as possible; from now on I am to stay indoors at all times during the winter months unless it is an absolute emergency..."

...Oka-sama passed this on to me, to a degree. Mine only seems to affect me if I am under considerable stress, however. Flip...

"February 14, 1986 - The treatment didn't work as well as we planned. The steroids did not work for long, and the splenectomy has seemingly done nothing. Worse... it seems to be getting more aggressive. I have to wear generally warm clothing now, or risk anemia, even though Makihisa allowed the temperature of the heat in the mansion to be raised by a few degrees. We are still trying things, but if something does not happen, Dr. Jinan said I will be lucky to see either of Shiki or Akiha's birthdays..."

…...…...Flip…...

"April 7, 1986 - Another failed treatment. We attempted an entire transfusion of my blood. For a little while, it seemed to work... but somehow, it's returned. I'm not sure if this is a battle I can ever win... so just in case, I have begun preparing. Just in case..."

…...…...…...…Flip…...…

"August 3, 1986 - Too tired to write lately. Sleeping lots. I can feel my body beginning to fade. I'm doing my best to survive, but sometimes I wonder if I will go to bed and never wake up again. I'm determined to at least see Shiki and Akiha have a birthday together. If nothing else, God, then at least grant me that..."

…...I feel my heart twist inside my breast. I already know how this will end, even as I flip the page to Oka-sama's final entry. Written in a very shaky hand, unlike Oka-sama's usual clean, neat calligraphy.

"September 7, 1986 - This takes all of my effort to write. I am doing my best to hang on for at least a few more weeks, but since I am not sure if I can, I will say this now... Shiki and Akiha, you are both my world, and I am sorry I will probably not be there to help raise you in it. Do not blame your father for any of this, or for anything that will happen, probably long after I am gone... he did his best, and so did I. Please get along, for in the end, all you two will have is each other... if you have that, you will be okay. And if not... God help you both."

Six lines down, it is written, in Otou-sama's handwriting, "Tohno Midori. December 31, 1962 - September 20, 1986. Aged 23 years, 9 months, 263 days. _De mortuis nil nisi bonum dicendum est._"**

Midori, in Oka-sama's case, is written with the same character that is pronounced "ha" in my name.

With a sigh, I close the journal. Two days later, I had my first birthday. A week later, "he" had his second.

I put the journal onto Otou-sama's desk carefully, and then I look out the window, up at the moon. The crescent has grown a little larger over the last two days.

"...I hope I did something to make you proud, Oka-sama. I know life has not exactly turned out for any of us like you'd hoped and dreamed..."

I do not know how she would react to how life turned out for me, really... and for that matter, for "him" and for Nii-san. But I cannot help but think that really, with Oka-sama gone... Otou-sama had already lost most of his will to live. After that, he was simply set on raising an heir. Then that plan got foiled when "he" inverted and nearly struck me down.

So, already beginning to slip into the initial stages of inversion, Otou-sama realized he would not live long enough if he did nothing. He was forced to begin truly raising me to be the head of the household at that time... and this is around when he was forced to begin raping Kohaku, on her request, so that he would not harm Hisui, and so that he could maintain his sanity.

And she suffered it. For all of those years, she suffered it in silence... because she knew someone would suffer, and she did not want it to be me or Hisui. Kohaku lost her humanity in exchange for allowing us to keep ours...

...And it nearly backfired. She lost _**TOO**_ much of it. She may have had all the right intentions and an incredible amount of mental maturity despite being only about eight... but mental maturity means very little when your physically child-proportioned body is being raped every single day by a fully-grown man. A man who could scarcely remember what he did while he did it... and worse, a man who had to live with the guilt of being forced to do it just to keep his own fingerhold deathgrip on his sanity and his humanity.

We have all paid a heavy price for this. All of us. Oka-sama died because her blood could not mix with the demon blood, and doing it twice to provide two heirs in two years killed her, slowly. Otou-sama killed himself on the brink of inversion. "He" had to be killed by me after his inversion, when I found out that he was threatening Nii-san's life and safety. Hisui paid with her emotional depth. Kohaku paid with her emotional depth _**AND**_ her humanity. I paid with half of my life energy, fits of pain and incredible chills, the pressure of my upbringing, the duties of being head of the Tohno, and the expectations of trying to keep up a school life...

…...To save one life, of the person whom the girl named Tohno Akiha simply loved.

"...Really... it is hard to say who had it worse." Soliloquy.

Take your places, choose your sins. Everyone loses, no one wins. That is almost the _de facto_ motto of the Tohno.

Even now, my only true "purpose" is to manage all the disputes among our branches, to accept or deny requests for various things, and, behind the scenes, to ensure this city stays relatively safe and that our companies are all running up to par. Anything else I do is basically just for the illusion of a somewhat normal life. I do not require further schooling; I do it because I enjoy getting away from this all, and I especially enjoy my time with Seo, Souka, and Hanepin. I do not need to play the violin, but it relaxes my mind and helps me forget about things.

...I do not need a partner, and yet, I want one because I know it will help my own sanity tremendously, just knowing that I have someone who I could be completely myself around, and not have to worry about putting up this fake wall with. Only four people ever see that side of me: Kohaku, Hisui, Nii-san, and Yumizuka-san.

But... while intimate on an emotional level, they cannot be physically.

...Tomorrow, I might know if it will be five or not. And whether I will have that physical intimacy or not.

Whether it happens or not, I will not begrudge Seo on her decision. It is, after all, a lot to ask of someone... especially since we are both female. I have a feeling if it were Nii-san asking her, she almost surely would have said yes, but I am something different.

I am, to her, Tohno-senpai. Someone with authority over her. I am also a friend, and I have been for about two and a half years now. I am someone who she has worked with on projects. I am someone whom she can talk to if she is in serious trouble, and I will help her if I am at all able to. I am the person who saved her life last Sunday... because if it were not for me, she surely would have been killed when that pillar fell on her.

And then, just to throw her for even more confusion... I told her I loved her. Not as one would love a friend, or even a close friend... no. I told her I loved her in a way that was a romantic way. A way that, usually, only males and females have together.

I am still not fully sure of why, to be honest. I just know that... that was what my heart was telling me to do. It simply felt right to state it, and truth be told, it even surprised me. But yet... the more that I think back about it, the more I realize I am strangely comfortable with the idea.

The only question is, really... is she able to take that same leap of faith that I have? If not, I cannot blame her for it. Truth be told, if it were some other female asking the same of me, I probably would have flat-out rejected them.

That is why Souka did not ask... she simply sprang to action. Had she propositioned me for that, she knows I would have said no and likely ordered her out of my house at once. It is something that some may feel would even amount to rape... but it is not rape when one grows to want it. And more than that, she offered me the chance to stop it, and I chose to nod... so it cannot be rape. Surprise touching, yes... but not rape. And I could have easily fought her off if I had wanted to.

Would I be able to love Seo like that? Yes. Yes I would. It may be awkward or strange at first, as admittedly I have no real experience with relationships either... but, I am convinced that in time, I could be perfectly happy and content with her, and I can see herself being likewise, as long as she will give me a chance...

I look away from the window, and check the clock on the wall. 5:47 PM. I had better begin doing my paperwork. Tomorrow will be a day of truth... and just in case, I want to have all of my work out of the way if I can.

I carefully take the journal, as if it were some kind of family heirloom – perhaps it is? – and I place it neatly and carefully in its small compartment. I then take another look at the pictures... the pictures of a woman who strongly resembles Tohno Akiha in a lot of ways, and yet, is someone else entirely; someone who gave her life, someone who sounded like she wanted a daughter to raise.

...I wonder how different I would be if she would have survived, every time I come in here.

I obviously would not be how I am today. Maybe I would be more like that other side of myself that emerged last Sunday. I am unsure, but I know it would be different; whether that is better or worse, I cannot say.

I do not know when I will look at these pictures again. It may be in a few weeks, or a few months from now. But, even though they are of a person who has been gone from this planet for so long, who is now no more than bones under the ground... these pictures bring me some level of comfort.

…...Even after she is gone, a mother never stops mothering. Even if that child spent about 95% of their existence without their touches, their kisses, their words...

...I can still remember them and hear them. Not the touches or voices themselves; those are long gone. But rather, what I remember feeling is the peace, the tranquility, and the stability she instilled in me.

It is entirely possible that she may be how I managed to survive, and be strong... because even as her disease progressed to terminal illness, she surely made time to see me every day, until she no longer had the strength to do so.

This is because while we are creatures who think with our conscious minds, our unconscious also shapes us. A lot of what we believe are our natural attitudes are really things that have been carefully shaped and stored so deeply within what we call the unconscious, that we simply no longer think about them anymore.

I may not exactly remember the touch, or the voice, of Oka-sama... but I somehow know them. Even though I cannot positively recall her speaking, I hear a voice in my head when I read those journals, and I am sure that it is her voice, one hundred percent.

…...That is why I will not throw away all that she taught me. No. She taught me to stand up for myself, to make choices on my own, and deal with them.

That is what I will do. Otou-sama may have lived alone... but I never have, so emulating him and heeding those words will do me no good.

"...Thank you, Oka-sama," I whisper to myself as I carefully put the photographs back on top of the journal, before closing the compartment, then the safe, and then, after looking back one last time at the souls that still dwell within, the door to the room itself.

* * *

* Sofu-sama: A very polite way of saying "Grandfather."

** Latin. "Of the dead, speak no evil."

* * *

...It is strange.  
The people who are not in my life are the strongest influences in it.  
Oka-sama, Nii-san, Seo... do I fear being alone that much...?

* * *

Next Week (8/21/11) – Chapter 64: "Parental Advisory"


	65. Parental Advisory

Chapter 64: "Parental Advisory"

* * *

Viewpoint: Seo Akira

* * *

Rio's words still stick in my head, even long after she's left to go get stuff we need for later tonight.

"_Good luck, Aki-chan."_

That's a silly thing to wish someone who is just trying to decide a question, isn't it? I mean, why would I need luck to decide my answer to a statement...? I'm the one in control, so wishing someone luck makes no sense. It's not like I have to do something, or put in work... I'm the only one who judges if I succeed or fail.

And yet, she wished me luck.

It's one of the things about Rio I really don't understand and probably never will. She almost loves to toy with people's minds sometimes... and yet is coolly able to keep her own motivations secret while she does so. I don't get it.

"...So it's not really helping," I say with a bit of a sigh.

Well... that's a lie. It did help a little. The problem is... it's not a definite answer. The other problem is... well... Rio is a friend. It will impact her a little, but there are some people it will impact more...

...Like mom and dad.

I mean, I can't just show up at home one day with Tohno-senpai and blurt out "Hi mom, hi dad, by the way, this is my girlfriend, Tohno-senpai!" One of the other three people there will kill me for sure if I do that, and I'm still a little too young to die, I'd say...

…...But the main one I'm worried about is dad. Dad is usually the one I go to when I need advice, or help, or anything like that. Ever since I was little, he's been the one to mostly take responsibility for me. That's not to say mom just sits on her butt all day... she helped, and she definitely has left her mark on me, too. It's just... dad's my role model, I guess. Work hard, be good to people, and eventually good things come your way. That's what he taught me the most.

I sigh and get off my bed, and walk over to the phone. Dad will answer... I know that. It's been awhile since I've called home... well, actually, no it hasn't, because I just called them a few months ago... but I guess time has sped up to them compared to me. And, well... parents will always be parents. Mom won't stop momming me, and dad won't stop dadding me. I guess to them it wouldn't matter if I was fifteen or fifty-five – they'll look out for me as long as I'm on this world at the same time they are.

That's a parent's job, ultimately. They brought me into this world, so I'm basically a reflection of their values and stuff. I'm the end result of what they thought was important. Even the things I like and don't like, they could have influenced at any time, encouraging me or pulling me away from it.

So that's why talking to dad about something like this is important... while I can. Because someday, dad won't be there anymore, and I'll have to try to guess what he'd say in that situation.

After a few rings, the other line is picked up. "Hello?" A male voice answers.

"Dad? It's me." I reply.

"Ah, Akira! How are things going?" I can hear the smile in his voice.

"Pretty good," I say with a smile likewise in mine. "Life's been a little hectic over the last few weeks, but I'm managing fine."

"Good to hear, good to hear!" I can tell dad's smiling genuinely.

For someone who owns a brewery that is well-known both in Japan and around the world, dad is surprisingly down-to-earth. Quite a few people are almost afraid to meet him until they actually do so, and when they walk away from the meeting, their fears of some sort of hard corporate type are all but gone.

I would guess that it is because unlike, say, Tohno-senpai or Souka-san, dad was never "raised" rich. He made his fame and his fortune through hard work and skill. As a result, he's genuinely passionate about his brewery and how well it performs. The profit he makes ends up being secondary to the quality and fame of his creations.

I guess that's kinda why I was raised normally, as opposed to them, or even Hanei-san. Dad grew up normally, so to him, success in life is simply hard work and a passion for what you like doing. That's why he never discouraged my hobbies, like drawing. He said if I like it enough and put my heart and soul into every sketch and drawing, that before long I'd be famous.

His encouragement really inspired me to do my best.

"So what's up?" He asks. "It's unlike you to call home so quickly in succession."

"Yeah, I know..." I sigh a bit and steel myself. Dad's pretty easygoing... but what I'm about to ask him for advice on is certainly difficult. I mean... how else do you explain to your dad that another girl told you she thought she was in love with you...?

…...Especially when it's a girl who you least expected to be the sort of person that would ever say such a thing to you...?

"Dad... listen. Something happened yesterday that I think you should know about..." I feel my courage already beginning to falter.

"...Hm?" His voice takes on the slightest hint of concern. "What is it, Akira? When you get like that, I know it's something big."

"...Yesterday a girl told me she loved me. In a romantic way." I swallow hard after feeling my throat tighten a bit.

"...And then what?"

"Nothing. She left right after she said it. I think she was afraid of how I'd react. But she's been a very good friend of mine ever since I met her... and I'm not sure how I should react to it, really..."

A long silence. I swear that time slows down. I feel like I'm sitting in a star chamber.

"Hmm... well, what do you think about it, Akira? Does it bother you that she said that?"

...Does it bother me? That's a silly question. Of course it bothers me. If it didn't bother me, I wouldn't be calling you...

"...I don't know what to think, dad..." I sigh as I sit on my bed. "Part of me is conscious of the fact we're both girls, but... this girl isn't the sort of person to who she would tell that to just anyone..."

"Well, what is she like?"

"...Do you remember whenever I talked to you about Tohno-senpai?"

"…...…...Her?" He actually somehow doesn't sound too surprised.

"Yeah... and we've been friends for awhile, but there's a difference between being friends, and... this... this isn't usually how she would act, so..."

I hear dad "Hmmmm" slightly in deep thought. "Hold on a second, Akira."

"...Okay," I say, as I wait on the line. I can hear what he's doing... and based on the noises, I can tell where he is. He's in the brewery section of the home, of course. There's some chatter from the workers in the background. Eventually I hear a door shut and click, and then silence. Dad must've walked into his office.

"Okay," he says when he sits down in the chair inside, which makes a slight squeak that I can hear. "So the head of the Tohno family told you that she loved you... and you're not sure how to react to that."

"Yeah. I mean... we're both girls, and I don't want rumors to spread or anything. Rumors in this school spread like wildfire. And if Tohno-senpai catches wind of rumors of that, well..."

"Well... I don't want to get nosy or anything, but do you think you would be able to love her like that?"

"...Eh?" I ask myself, somewhat thrown off by the question... which forces me to think about it.

Dad's personality is a bit off-beat like that... most fathers would be extremely protective of their daughters. Dad's a bit different, really... he's more of a free soul. That's not to say he doesn't protect me, or watch out for me... but it means he's not watching every single move I do, and is basically letting me learn from my mistakes.

I'd be a very poor candidate for someone like Tohno-senpai. She'd be demanding on the people she would love, I'm sure. A stressful life like hers... well, she would need someone who could give her that little bit of happiness each day. And I really don't know if I'm the type who can do that for her...

I mean... I've never really had much in terms of relationships. I'm too weird for most boys, I'd think... and, well, I've never had an interest in girls. I mean... I know some girls are into girls, and I know roughly what that sort of thing would be like... but I've never seen myself in that, except for that silly dream.

"...I've never been in a relationship like that before, dad, with a boy or a girl."

"Hmm... well, you're old enough to have them now, you know. You're going to be 16 in just over two months, after all. I was certainly dating by the time I was your age."

"...With mom?" I'm curious to know.

"No, no." He laughs. "Your mother and I wouldn't meet for about five years or so. I can't really put myself into your shoes fully, Akira, but I can pass along what I know."

"Please, dad. I'm so confused right now... I don't know what to tell her, or anything... and I don't want to hurt her feelings, you know...?"

"I know, Lilac. It's okay. This is all new to you, but there's a first time for everything." He sighs a bit, and hearing him call me by my pet name helps me feel a little more at ease. "Well... I would say the key thing is to be with someone who you're sure you can be happy with, especially if it's your first relationship. Don't be afraid of making mistakes... I doubt she's had very many relationships either, due to her social class. With me so far?"

"...Yeah," I say.

"Good. Well, mistakes are really a part of any relationship. Nobody's perfect, so don't try to be. Relationships are built on compromise and trust, and it's important to have both, because neither of you are going to get all of what you want, probably... and without trust, the relationship is just doomed to fail. So... do you think you could trust her?"

...Can I trust her?

That's a silly question. She can trust me with her secrets, so it'd be only fair to expect her to keep her word with mine.

"Yes," I reply without even hesitating. I know I could count on Tohno-senpai.

"And do you think you and her would be able to compromise?"

...Well, that's part of living with someone, isn't it? Neither Rio or I get our way completely. We both have to agree on stuff... like who has to clean up the room, or who has to get supplies, and stuff like that.

"...Yeah, probably. Lately she's opened up more about herself... I won't repeat it, though, as some of it is pretty private, and I told her I wouldn't tell anyone."

"Ah, see? There you go. She trusted you with that information, and you had the self control to withstand saying it. Good job!"

I blush a little upon hearing my father's praise. There's just one problem with this all...

"Uh... dad... you're kind of missing a point though."

"Oh? What?" He asks.

"...I'm talking about a relationship with a girl, dad."

"And?" I can hear the slight confusion in his voice.

"...With a GIRL, dad. G-I-R-L, girl."

"…...So?" He sounds... genuinely disinterested. Doesn't he realize...?ǃ

Society places stigmas on those of the same gender who are involved with another. They have some rights, but they also lose others, and discrimination is always a factor.

The way dad's making it sound, it's like he hardly cares that I'm basically telling him that another girl wants me to be her girlfriend.

"...I'm also a girl, dad! I, It's lesbianism!" I finally manage to just say it outright.

"Well, if you're sure that's what makes you happy, then go for it."

…...…Whatǃ?

"...Dad... don't you care...?ǃ"

Aren't fathers suppose to... you know... try to find an ideal husband for their daughters, or something? Here it's like dad is just shrugging his shoulders...!

"Of course I care! That's why I said it should be with someone who you're sure you'd be happy with. That's what I want for you most of all... for you to be happy, Akira. It doesn't really matter to me if it's with a boy or a girl... as long as you're happy, I'm happy, because that's what I want for you."

"…...…...Dad…...…..." Words fail me...

"So if you think you'll be happy with her, then go ahead. Denying someone happiness is probably the third cruelest thing you can do to them, short of killing their children and killing them in front of their children. And all of that stuff is just labels, anyway... there was once an American who said 'Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.' I think it's pretty solid advice, so... whoever you're with, as long as you're happy with them, you have my full support, okay?"

"…...Yeah," I manage to croak out, my voice so tight and dry it feels like I left it out in a desert for weeks.

I can't believe it.

Here I thought he'd... freak out, or something, and he's just shrugging this off like it was so perfectly normal and commonplace, like everyone has this sort of phase at some time in their lives...

...Well, it's true quite a few girls have a Class S experience growing up. I mean... girls are raised to be the more emotional sex, so it's only natural that we'd think of stuff like longing for someone, and wanting to feel loved and desired. Men are the ones raised to be taking charge, and worrying about all sorts of stuff that they have to accept responsibility for.

…...But dad isn't that kind of personality. I was stupid to think that he'd suddenly abandon how he's always acted just because of this.

"...Something wrong?" Concern again.

I manage to swallow and moisten my throat before I speak "...Well, it's just... I didn't think you'd take that sort of thing very well, that's all..."

Dad gives a laugh that seems to come from the bottom of his body and soul. "Akira, why wouldn't I? I want all the best for you! To me it doesn't matter who gives you that... as long as it's who you think is best, they could have eight eyes, four arms, and walk like a crab."

I can't help but laugh at that. Dad... you're so wonderful at getting me out of moods like that. Hearing me laugh makes him laugh a little more, too.

"So you're okay with it?" I manage to say after I stop laughing.

"Absolutely! Just be happy with them. That's all I ask." He explains. "If you're happy, I'm happy, and I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, because it's your life, and I can't make your choices for you forever. Obviously, I'd have to go more into a talk of protection if it were a boy, but I don't have to worry about that."

"...I've already had sex ed, dad, thanks," I say as I laugh slightly, embarrassed.

"I know, I know. I just want you to be safe and happy, and not having kids of your own while you're still a bit of a kid yourself, Lilac. Admittedly, with a girl, I don't have to worry about that. Anyway... yes, I'm fine with it. If she makes you happy, then go for it. And if it works out, bring her over sometime. I'd be more than happy to give the Tohno some of my best brews."

"...I'll be sure to if it does," I say, feeling a little color fill up my cheeks at the thought of Tohno-senpai visiting dad's brewery. "Alright... that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I know you're pretty busy over there, so I don't want to keep you from work too long. Thanks dad."

"No problem, Lilac. Have a good night." He makes a kiss into the phone. I do as well, and then we both hang up.

I set the phone back where it was, and I sigh as I look at it.

The truth is... I had no idea how dad would react. Dad is pretty free in expressing his mind and his opinions, but something like this... well, I certainly thought it'd be more significant than he did.

I mean... I'm not going to go out on a limb and call myself gay. I really don't feel gay, and I've never really thought "Boys are yucky." Well, aside from when I was growing up... but that's normal kid stuff. No, I can't be lesbian, because I'd still like to see and talk with Shiki-san... and I wouldn't mind dating him, either.

Dad knew of that, because I made sure I told him about it. Not all the details... but the gist of it. He was glad I was okay, and he seemed to think that Shiki-san and I would make a nice couple when I got a bit older... given that at the time, well, I was 14 still.

That's what made me worry. Because, of course, he knew of the Tohno family, and he knew their head was but a then-sixteen year old girl, who was already able to juggle all of that family's affairs with apparent ease. We went to the same school, so we were familiar with each other, and he's heard Tohno-senpai in the background once or twice before when I've called.

…...So for some silly reason, I feared that when I told him that she said she loved me and I didn't know how to react, that he'd threaten to disown me or something like that.

Instead, he just basically said "Knock yourself out as long as she makes you happy." I don't think very many other fathers would be able to tell their daughters that. Especially since... well, I'm at that age where relationships get more intimate. Dad's not stupid about that, I'm sure... but it shows he trusts me enough to let me judge what is right for me.

That helps my decision a little bit, then... I'm still undecided, I think, but I know that at least dad won't hate or disown me over it if it happened. Dad's so important to me, and he's inspired me so much, I don't think I could take rejection from him at this point in my life.

But then again... dad really wouldn't be dad without that aspect to him. I feel blessed every day that I have him as my father, and not someone like Tohno-senpai's father was, from what I've heard about him. I think I would've been hopelessly crushed... or ran away.

I can't really take a strict, rigid lifestyle like Tohno-senpai grew up with. I'm kind of like Souka-san... I mean, there is a difference between being nice and polite, and being just... excessively formal. Some people want to be treated like the very grass they walk on turns to gold or something... or as Souka-san more vulgarly puts it, "like their shit don't stink."

Dad, on the other hand, actively encouraged me to be bold enough to take some risks. He knew when I'd be going too far usually, and I ever was over my head, all I had to do was talk to him and he would help me out without fail... like a father should.

I remember him explaining it to me once. He told me that it's not about "preventing" me from doing dumb things, because that's impossible. Instead, he made sure I learned lessons from the dumb things... and it worked like a charm. I can't say there have been very many times in my life where I haven't thought about what dad would say or do... and those few times that I can't come to an answer... well, that's when I call him.

So...

...If I do this, then I know at least dad won't be mad at me. Rio is also strangely approving of it, for some reason. I know she's looking out for me - if Tohno-senpai is someone who I could count on in times of crisis, Rio is who I can count on when it's not quite crisis-level yet. I'd expect those sorts of things from her by now, since she wants to be a shrink.

I guess what dad was basically saying is "So what?" if people found out that Tohno-senpai and I were having a romantic relationship. And... he's right, I think. For one, nobody would dare to whisper it while Tohno-senpai were around; her reputation precedes her. Anyone who'd be dumb enough to talk about it would probably not be willing to do it very much longer if Tohno-senpai got a hold of them.

…...Even then, common sense says that having an all-girl school dictates that things like this have happened before. Surely I'm not the first girl who's ever been here to question being in this position, and surely Tohno-senpai isn't the first girl to confess such a feeling before.

But even after both Tohno-senpai and myself graduate... if we did do this... if we did become a couple, we would still matter, to each other. The school would no longer have any bearing, any meaning on it besides being our mutual high school.

What would be ahead of us then... would be our lives.

We can't stay kids forever. I know that. Nobody wants to grow up, but we all have to... it's the price we pay for getting to experience life; doing things we don't want to do in order to survive. But those things that we do want to do... people we want to talk to, things we want to buy, goals we want to meet... well, the end result is that we treasure those things that we do want even more. If every day were your birthday, that wouldn't be much fun.

But as we grow up, we mature enough to allow ourselves to have these complex sorts of relationships... one where friends can become more than friends, and roles often play a factor in that. I... I know that senpai and kouhai are a fairly popular pairing in manga, but... this isn't a manga. This is life. This is reality; this is the true world that exists. Manga isn't reality. TV isn't reality. Plays aren't reality. Movies aren't reality. Videogames aren't reality. Imagination isn't reality...

…...But yet, imagination is necessary for a healthy person. Because those who imagine are the music makers, the dreamers of dreams, the architects of fantasia. They are the ones who take nothing and make something out of it... something which interests us all and lets us forget, for a few hours, whatever aspects of our life we do not like, and enjoy something that we wish we could all be a part of.

And I... am one of those people who create, and through that, I allow others to forget their life's issues, whatever they are.

So... dad is right. I should just worry about being happy, and to hell with what everyone else thinks. Thinking like that... that's why I feel so blessed to have him as my father. Having an outside-the-box perspective helps put things like this into crystal clarity.

"...Thanks, dad. I love you."

* * *

So... I guess the best thing to do now is to just decide if that's right for me.  
It's still a little scary to think that Tohno-senpai, of all people, wants this...  
But well... The first step is the hardest one to take, isn't it...?

* * *

Next Week (9/2/11) – Chapter 65: "Memories in the Dark"


	66. Memories in the Dark

Chapter 65: "Memories in the Dark"

* * *

Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha

* * *

"...Thy letters come, thy work be done, at home, as it is in school..." I mutter to myself as I finish signing the approval for my last letter. With a sigh, I set my pen down one final time and I work out the cramping in my hand.

I am aware that this is a bastardization of the Christian Lord's Prayer. Then again, religion and I do not mix. Not by choice, but let us face it... what sort of god would allow someone with demon blood into their eternal kingdom of peace? I was cursed from the moment of conception. No just god would allow life of our sort to ever live... so perhaps Ciel-san has it right when she says, without a hint of jest, that she will _happily_ kill me the second I show signs of Inversion Impulse.

Of course, I also have no plans to allow her that. I can kill myself just fine, thank you.

Looking at the stack of papers, I realize just how much work I do, as I squeeze my thumb into my palm, while flexing my fingers. It is not that I do not want to do the work – well, I do not, but that is not exactly my choice – but at the same time, there are times I simply wish I could abandon this all for just a week or two, and get away, and not have to worry about responsibilities, or branch families, or Nii-san, or even Misaki. None of it.

I want the ability to do nothing.

To be able to just sit, and watch a sun set at a beach, or under a porch and watch the rain fall, or to watch the snow float down regally to the ground, and observe, with no pretenses as to what my mind should be thinking, no thoughts but those that enter and leave as I watch.

Perhaps that is why I am doing what I am doing now. I know I will likely not find happiness in an afterlife, assuming one exists... so I am attempting to find it here, now, in the mortal realm, where my actions will damn me, and not something that I must accept by accident of birth.

After all, I neither chose to be born, nor chose to be born as a half-demon. I, like any other mammalian life form, am simply the result of a sperm fertilizing an egg.

They produced the physical body of Tohno Akiha.

And from birth, I was told what was right, and what was wrong. What was proper, and improper. What was completely wrong, completely acceptable, and what was a necessary evil. How to carry myself. How to present myself. How to be both a polite young woman as well as a savage, ruthless demon.

Otou-sama is what produced the mental mind of Tohno Akiha.

...I would have become a very different person if Oka-sama had survived. Whether for better or worse, I cannot say... but I am hoping that at least she gets peace up in heaven, even if I do not. She did not have to take upon our family's woes, but she did... for him. Otou-sama is no fool, and I am sure he probably even tried to dissuade her, but... you cannot fight love, or fate. If your heart is intent on a certain person, then that is that...

With a sigh, I stretch hard in my chair, feeling my body extend ever so slightly and exhaling sharply in relief as the stiffness and tension in my muscles goes away. I get up out of my chair, and exit my room, taking a bit of a walk through the mansion.

It is about 10:30 PM now. The mansion's lights are mostly out, and I walk through the dimmed halls. Hisui is no doubt still sleeping and recovering, and Yumizuka-san is generally beginning her patrols sometime around now.

I walk to the sitting room, and sit in my usual chair. Truth be told, I do not mind the darkness. I am not feeling particularly melancholic or anything of that sort, but I do not have lights on past 10 PM, mostly due to, admittedly, force of habit. Otou-sama was very strict about when the lights went out and when I awoke. He was a little more lax on it before the incident, but admittedly, at the age of 8, a girl – or any child, for that matter – is quite ready to curl up in their bed and visit the dreamworld after a day of running, jumping, and playing.

...Nine years already. That was the last time I really got to play, to be a child.

If, somehow, I do decide to have children... whether naturally or adopted... I am pretty sure that I will not repeat what Otou-sama did for me. My human blood is stronger than my demon blood. As long as I maintain careful composure, that other side – my "Red" side, as I sometimes call it – shall never gain a hold of me. I could raise my children to have perfectly normal childhoods, teenage years, and into adulthood... and, if I am extremely lucky... they may never even know about the blood that goes through my body. At one-fourth demon blood, they would be very unlikely to invert, as it is already somewhat difficult to force me to invert.

But... in all likelihood, they would find out somehow, in some way. Never underestimate a child's craftiness. They may not know as much as an adult, but their thirst for knowledge and answers is far greater, and that can make them exceptionally skilled at finding out secrets.

Furthermore, incidents can certainly come up which would make hiding it pointless, such as an attack on our home that I have to invert to fight back... or one of them somehow inverting. There is, simply put, practical limits to how well a secret can be held, and what I am doing is essentially reversing generations of Tohno family doctrine... all for the sake of not cursing my offspring to think, as I do, that they are humans second... and monsters first.

So, if it came down to it, I would not hide it from them excessively. I would do everything in my power to see that they not know about it, if at all possible, but if the time came to be confrontational about it... then I would be honest. Because I do not want a child I would raise to have to go through what I went through. I would not change my upbringing, except perhaps to have Oka-sama survive, but... I would also not wish, nor desire it upon anyone else.

"...Akiha-san?"

I am snapped out of my thoughts. It is Yumizuka-san, performing her rounds.

"A good night to you, Yumizuka-san." I smile slightly in the dark.

"...Why don't you turn the lights on if you're going to be out here, Akiha-san?" She blinks. The only light source is the slight illumination from the moon outside the windows, and the dim, luminescent brightness of Yumizuka-san's red irises.

"I am fine just like this, Yumizuka-san," I say. "I have superior dark vision compared to normal humans, so darkness is not a problem for me... but of course, it could not match the clarity of yo– ah, I mean Arcueid-san's." I try my best to neatly sidestep about reminding Yumizuka-san that she, too, can no longer be considered human.

"Ah, of course not," she says with a slight laugh. "But don't worry about offending me, Akiha-san. I don't mind it as much as I used to, really." She smiles, assuaging my fears.

"...Sorry. I do not wish to make this more painful for you than it already is, Yumizuka-san."

"It's fine, really. I'd still prefer to be back to normal, but well... isn't any sort of major life change something you have to cope with and adapt to?" Yumizuka-san displays a moment of wisdom. "Anyway... what are you doing out here, sitting in the dark like that?"

"I am just relaxing as I have done papers for the last five hours. I am sitting here while thinking some things over, and... preparing for tomorrow."

"...Oh? What do you have planned tomorrow, Akiha-san?" Yumizuka-san asks. "Something for Kohaku-san?"

"No... I am thinking of inviting Seo over for the weekend," I reply.

"Ah, Seo-chan. You've decided you're going to take a chance, huh?" She smiles.

"...Yes. I am still nervous, admittedly, but... I will accept her decision, as I think the worst that will happen is she will say no, and we can still be friends, and I will find someone else eventually if that is the case."

"...And if she says yes?" Her smile widens slightly as she sits in a nearby chair.

"...Then I will think of something when the time comes," I say, thankful the darkness is hiding the creeping blush across my cheeks.

Yumizuka-san giggles cutely. "You know, Akiha-san... if you're going to get a girl like her into a relationship like that, you have to have something _**PLANNED.**_ It can't just be 'We'll do stuff.' A relationship like that... it's built on both physical and emotional things."

"...I suppose you have a point, but... I do not want to rush things... I mean, I... no, we would be taking a very big leap... even though I have known her all of this time, I cannot be so... animalistic, for lack of a better word..." I try my best to express my thoughts, though it is difficult.

"Oh come on now, Akiha-san." Yumizuka-san crosses her arms in her chair. "Do you _**REALLY**_ think Seo-chan is that ignorant of what couples do?"

"I do not know, Yumizuka-san... I know I was not thinking of those things at her age..." I admit.

"Ah, but you also were raised differently..." She hmms. "Well... I can speak a little bit about it, I guess."

I quickly interject. "You do not need to share such intimate details about yourself, Yumizuka-san."

She shrugs. "I don't mind. Compared to what you already know about me, this is nothing... anyway... I first began having those sorts of thoughts when I was about 14... of course, they were of Tohno-kun." She sighs slowly. The sort of sigh of someone who has grown old, and is remembering carefree days of youth. "I just fell for him really hard... I don't know why myself. I still don't. We were both in the same classes for three years until my... well, my change... but as I got older, it went from interest... to a crush... to desire. So... I'm pretty sure Seo-chan has had those sorts of thoughts, to some level, about boys at least..."

...Boys, perhaps. The girl's interest in Nii-san was quite obvious and clear the first time I spoke with her after her little... incident, shall we say. That would be all fine and good if I actually were a boy, but my chest is not _**THAT**_ flat. Furthermore, there is definitely nothing dangling between my legs.

"The only problem there, Yumizuka-san, is that neither Seo nor myself are male. I seriously doubt she has had those sorts of thoughts about females before. I did not myself, either, until I was shower–"

I stop myself before I finish speaking my mind. I was going to say "...Until I was showering and she entered my mind," but if I did that, Yumizuka-san would clearly know that my mind thinks such torrid, rancid thoughts.

"Oh? Do tell, Akiha-san. You desired Seo, did you?" Yumizuka-san raises an eyebrow, smirking with an impish interest.

...Not that it seems to have done me any favors.

"Y-Y-Yo! N-Nes! P-Perhaps!" Damn it, why could I not keep track of my thoughtsǃ? That did not need to get out! Not even to Yumizuka-san!

"Fufufu, it's okay, Akiha-san," Yumizuka-san says, laughing as vampires or aproned devils would do. "After all... I have those sorts of thoughts about Tohno-kun, too."

"Th-That's different! Nii-san is a boy at least! That's acceptable!" I hiss, without shouting, lest I rouse Hisui from her well-deserved sleep. "Seo is a girl! That is far less acceptable to society!"

"But was your body saying that it wasn't acceptable when you thought of Seo-chan in that way? Hmmmm?"

"Ah..." I am stopped dead in my tracks.

…...Well... admittedly, no, it was not... it was... thinking carnal lust. And about her body, and what it must look like, and it was getting pleasure from imagining it... just like thinking about it now is making it stir slightly. I blush deeply when I realize this.

It... It is filthy. It is improper. It is not things that a proper, dignified person should think! We are not animals, guided solely by instinct! We are humans! We are better than that. We are not supposed to just... pointlessly lust after someone, right?

…...Right?

"It's okay, Akiha-san. Your body will know what it likes... and it has already proven that," Yumizuka-san announces as if it was the most natural conclusion in the world. "So there's no shame in admitting it. You got aroused thinking of Seo, and I got aroused thinking of Tohno-kun. There's no shame in it."

"...We're both female..." I try to bring up point once more, halfheartedly knowing it will get dashed.

"But it doesn't matter as long as she makes you happy, does it?"

...Well, no... being in love transcends things like that, I think.

We all think we have an ideal partner... someone who will be absolutely perfect and who will make the world go around. A not insignificant portion of a human's life is simply spent finding that "perfect" someone... and then when they are not found, the human tries to settle for someone as close to that ideal as they can.

And therein lies the problem... as well as my difference.

When one foists such unrealistic expectations on another person, the relationship is probably doomed from the start. That person can never meet every single expectation that is set out for them by that person. Discussion and compromise are the keys to that, but man is a greedy species; they do not like to give an inch.

As for me... well, the first words I ever remember are Otou-sama telling me "We live alone, and we die alone." At first, I did not understand the meaning, as a child. I had Otou-sama, and Hisui, and Kohaku, and "him," as well as the other servants here. I was not alone... far from it. I was surrounded by people.

But as an adult, I understood exactly what Otou-sama's words meant. That reality became crystal clear after Nii-san's... incident. And it sat inside me, and it festered, boiled, putrefied – until I could not stand it anymore.

From then on, I became determined to find someone. And the most natural target was the boy whose life I did not want to see end... not then, and to this day, not now. And ideally... not ever, while I am alive, unless it is of ripe old age.

"...I suppose not," I say, trying my best to hide my nervousness.

"Don't worry about it so much, Akiha-san. Forget about things like what's 'expected' of you... your life is your own. You might be a little young... but so am I, and I'd say we've both been through enough that we're able to make our own decisions about our lives for the most part, right?"

"…...You have a point," I confess. "I would not stand for anyone telling me how to live, now. The one person who could do that is dead. And considering what I live through... I do not think an adult has a right to tell me how to live, when they do not know what I protect them from."

"Pretty much," Yumizuka-san says. "It's not like I care if you decide to have that relationship with Seo-chan... wait, that's worded a little badly, uhh... let me rephrase that." She clears her throat a bit and stretches, the delicate sound of bones popping as Yumizuka-san stretches her admittedly attractive frame. "Okay... I do care what sort of relationship you have with Seo-chan... but what I mean is that just because you like a girl like that, I'm not going to think anything less of you. I mean... here I am lusting after your brother... I honestly don't know how you can stand to look at me, much less be so kind to me..." She laughs slightly nervously.

"...Well, it would be acceptable for you, for one," I reply. "I mean, you are not related to Nii-san, like I am, so it is okay for you to have thoughts like that about him."

"Well yeah... but I mean... he and Kohaku-san are a couple, aren't they?" She asks.

"...They are... but..."

...Kohaku is wildly unpredictable. She always has ulterior motives when it comes to things like these. Honestly... it would not surprise me if Kohaku already knows that Yumizuka-san still desires Nii-san sexually, while Yumizuka-san herself is ignorant to the fact that Kohaku knows.

…...Furthermore, it also would not surprise me if Kohaku somehow "arranged" things so that Yumizuka-san could do that with him. Granted... they may be under some drug-induced haze... but to be quite blunt, Kohaku seems to be the type of woman who would not only have a more open sexual relationship in that manner... she is probably the type who would get aroused by watching such a thing... if not joining in herself, outright.

…...…Then again... my body is also reminding me that it would be the same way. I know Yumizuka-san's body is attractive... if last Sunday was any indication... I could not help but admire it. I would not mind a body shape like Yumizuka-san's... and I think I would get aroused watching them have sex like that, despite everything in my brain telling me I should absolutely not.

…...…...I press my legs together slightly to try to silence my latent arousal before it grows to the point where it would become noticeable.

"...But? You kind of trailed off there, Akiha-san."

"They are, but... well, let us just say Kohaku does surprising things sometimes, and leave it at that..." It is a half-truth, but it will have to do. The last thing I want to do is encourage Yumizuka-san to make a move when I could be quite well about how Kohaku feels about such things.

"...Kohaku lets other women...?" Yumizuka-san blinks, seemingly stunned, unable to finish her sentence.

"I do not know. I do not pry into her private life. If you wish to do it, that is something you will have to do on your own, Yumizuka-san." I say it as firmly as I possibly can. If she does it, I cannot stop her... but I want to make it clear that if she does it, I will not take responsibility for it, period.

"...R-Right..." Yumizuka-san says uncomfortably. "...I, uh, think we both got a little too deep into that conversation... heh..." She tries her best to clear the somewhat tense and unusual mood in the room.

"Yes, I agree. But it was still an interesting talk regardless." I stand up. Yumizuka-san looks up at me as I do so. "Thank you for the conversation, Yumizuka-san. Please stay safe tonight. I will be in my room if an emergency arises or you require something."

"...Y-Yes. Of course. Goodnight, Akiha-san." She gets out of her own chair.

"Goodnight, Yumizuka-san." I begin walking back towards my room, mulling over the conversation.

...Well, of course I knew Yumizuka-san still had a crush on Nii-san. She showed so much when he came home, injured, and she wished him to heal so she could talk to him. Needless to say... I am sure their talk together was very interesting, personal, and intimate. Even though Nii-san and Yumizuka-san are not a couple, they do have an air of intimacy among them, one of shared privacy.

That is often how love forms. The first way is to actually save the object of your affection... and the second way is of simply constantly being there, watching out for them, and helping them whenever necessary. It is from situations like that, that deep, affectionate bonds form... and when two people find they are compatible with the other, a deeper emotional bond can form.

The nature of that bond can vary. It could be a simple, but lasting, friendship... one that goes on for years, or maybe even decades. It could become "the person who I can go to when in trouble." Or it could become a highly private relationship.

…...Now that I think of it, that is rather how I feel of Seo, too... the way both Nii-san and Yumizuka-san seem to treat each other. Not total strangers, but good friends... someone with whom one could discuss the problems of life as a whole.

I share a good deal of private time and private things with her, more as of late as she has grown older. It took a whole new turn a week and a half ago, and if it was growing at a linear scale before, the last week and a half have been exponential. Granted... a lot of that was due to the whole incident on Sunday... which I would still prefer had not happened... but at the same time, I suppose it was a nicer introduction to my abilities as opposed to having to beat up some thugs or something.

But there are several things that have not been accounted for in this sense. Seo's increasing emotional maturity, as well as more secure emotional stability. My mere actions easily frighten some of the underclassmen, but then again, they do not understand it at all.

…...I wonder how those rumors started.

My first few days as a first-year weren't too bad, but by the time I'd graduated to my second year, the school campus was absolutely loaded with all sorts of rumors about me... from just about anyone. Quite literally, I could not find someone who had _**NOT**_ heard a rumor about me.

It certainly put the fear into the hearts of the first-years. The second-years, at the time, were less fearful because they could pull rank and boss me around that way... at least, until I gave the second-year who tried it the soundest tongue lashing that probably could have been heard from 150 feet away.

Needless to say... she did not try to boss me around again. Nor did any other second-year. The third-years, wise from seeing the misfortunes of their underclassmen, made no attempt to even try.

And so, Tohno Akiha became the only girl who was not a third-year, who had essentially free reign of the school. Despite that, she still excelled and, without really trying, became the school's idol... the object of infatuation and admiration everywhere. To any student who has attended Asagami within the last few years, or who will be attending the next few, the name "Tohno-senpai" will be instantly recognizable... and I have a feeling it will continue to be that way for the next several years, as well.

By the time I arrive back in my room, it is about 10 minutes to 11 PM, according to the clock. The night is growing longer, and the time to sleep is getting shorter.

I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. A day which, honestly, can mark the beginning of something wondrous... or something disastrous. I am unsure of which, but I know one thing... I will meet it head-on, and I will give it nothing less than my best. An uncertain future does not deserve anything less than a fully prepared foe, lest it be insulted.

It is time to change into my nightgown, and prepare for bed...

* * *

…It is ironic that something should start at the end of a week.  
But I will not simply sit idly and continue to beat myself up like this. No.  
I will meet this challenge... and one way or another, I will beat it.

* * *

Next Week (9/7/11) – Chapter 66: "Salted and Buttered"


End file.
